Archive for the ‘Sarcasm’ Category
I have a few least favorite things but two in particular. First, I hate having my teeth drilled. The sound and smell of teeth drilling makes me cringe because it’s been done all to often over the years. Second, I hate doctors, nurses and hospitals. I do realize they’re a necessary evil but I hate them none the less.
My late mother was never a well person. Through all of her illnesses and surgeries there paraded scores of doctors who spent more time spending her money than fixing her problems. Each specialist prescribed different medicines and drugs with little or no thought to the many others doing the same damn thing. They almost killed her a couple of times with their constant insistence that the next drug was the one that would fix everything. She trusted them with her life but I will not.
I’m ranting about doctors because I spent yesterday afternoon being manhandled by the new and improved healthcare system. Obamacare cost me my doctor of fifteen years when he threw up his hands last year, sold his practice, and left the country. I really wish I could have gone with him.
I arrived yesterday to go through an annoying series of blood tests which are required every time I turn around. I arrived early being the obedience dumb ass that I am and then sat for forty minutes while I waited for a computer person to enter my name into a freaking computer. Big surprise, they had no record of my blood test request or my upcoming doctors appointment. My obedient behavior became a thing of the past as I intimidated everyone involved to pull their heads out of their collective asses and get their act together. After another half hour I was advised that my doctors appointment I thought was scheduled for next week had been changed. Oops, no one sent me an email or letter telling me that. After much bitching and complaining on my part they agreed to fast-track my blood work to have it ready for my newly scheduled appointment tomorrow at 10am.
I had a surly and annoying young lady stick me and remove a number of tubes of my beautiful red blood. She was in quite the mood about something but decided to be an asshole toward me. Little did she know that I was once married for a very long time and that my-ex wife made her look like an freaking amateur when it came to pissing me off.
It’s now tomorrow and I’ve just returned from my annual doctors appointment All my numbers were perfect but he insisted on giving me the old one fingered prostate exam while a female assistant looked on. She was hot enough to be one of my hundreds of sexual fantasies but not after today. That ship has sailed. He then announced that he had an early Christmas gift for me this year. He’ll be scheduling me for my fifth colonoscopy in the last 9 years. My ass seemed to be very popular today for some reason.
Just to reiterate, I hate effing doctors, Medicare, Obamacare and Obama as well.
My better-half has announced a day-off today so we’ve planned an outside workday at home. Believe it or not Fall is just a few weeks away and we’ll be starting the process of closing down the garden soon. If we do a little each week then it won’t be such a challenge.
I really was in denial about Summer being over until yesterday. We were driving around enjoying the nice day when horror of horrors I noticed a few trees whose leaves have begun to turn red. I was a little surprised but a few days before I’d also noticed a large flock of birds gathering in a wooded area near our home. Both signs of an impending season change.
I guess it’s time to plan the work for today. Job #1: Cut the grass. That’ll have to wait until afternoon when the grass has dried somewhat. All the rain we’ve been receiving of late makes cutting in the morning impossible.
This morning will entail us working in the least favorite job we have. If you’ve ever seen the movie Apocalypse Now, you’ll remember that famous quote of Robert Duvall’s, "I love the smell of napalm in the morning." Here in Maine during this time of the year we have a quote of our own, "We love the smell of compost in the morning." If you’ve never had the opportunity to work in compost you don’t know what you’ve been missing. There’s nothing that says Fall like standing knee deep in a large pile of decomposing vegetable matter that oddly smells like an outhouse. If on a hot, sticky and humid day you took a rotten egg, wrapped it in a smelly old sock, then wrapped it in a really nasty pair of old filthy underwear, and rubbed it under your nose, you’d understand. That will be our morning today.
‘Piles 1, 2 and 3”
Pile 1 will be used for the garden in 2015. Pile 2 will be used in two weeks. Pile 3 will be used 2016.
A compost pile is crucial to keeping your garden happy and healthy. It replaces many of the nutrients needed to grow vegetables and they must be replaced every year. Unfortunately there are certain things a compost piles needs. It needs vegetable matter, water, heat, and stirring. Stirring is just taking the pile and turning it over with a pitchfork to allow more air to get into the mix and to help grow the bacteria that accelerates the decomposition process. That being said the reality is that it smells bad, really bad. After working in it today I’ll be smelling that smell for a day or so. It’s gross and more than a little disgusting. A typical day in the life of most farmers and part-time gardeners like us.
‘A big moist and steamy pile.’
I need to get to work soon but I wanted to tell you about my fun yesterday. Each year we do a large amount of canning but we always like to try new recipes we’ve found or created. Yesterday I made for the first time a batch of hot Radish Relish. It takes a few pounds of radishes, vinegar, habaneros, sugar, salt, and a few other spices. The result as you can see is a beautiful and savory red relish that will be great on burgers, hotdogs and can add a little zing to your tacos as well. Sometimes these experimental things fail miserably but not this one. I look forward to making it many more times in the future.
‘Start’
‘Finish’
It’s been one of those typical summer days. A little boring, a little strange, and a whole lotta weird. The weird occurred this morning when I received a “Friend Request” on Facebook from a person I haven’t seen or spoken to in almost twenty years. I immediately recognized his name, remembered his face, and then remembered more.
This guy I’m discussing worked for me when I was managing criminal investigations for a national corporation that will remain nameless. Part of my duties involved training the newbies in criminal interrogation and the handling of potential suspects. He was tagging along with me on a case involving the theft of thousands of dollars by some of our more nefarious associates. I’d completed a number of preliminary interviews with persons of interest and had narrowed the suspect list to three possible’s. My politically correct boss advised me by telephone to give the "new guy" a shot at the final interviews. I wasn’t too happy with that decision but there was nothing much I could do but sit in the room with him and watch. The main suspect was a female department manager who was known to be confrontational and extremely belligerent. As she entered the interrogation room she snarled at me and just stood there staring at him. You should also know she was a somewhat large woman.
It’s always important for an interrogator to quickly build a rapport with the interviewee before getting into the more difficult questions. This guy was trying to be so cool and suave that he began schmoozing the woman by asking her how many months pregnant she was. Unfortunately while she did look pregnant, she wasn’t. She jumped to her feet, screamed a dozen obscenities at him and then slammed the door as she stormed out of the interview room. It was all I could do to remain professional and not laugh out loud. He was utterly mortified and totally speechless. He violated the cardinal rule for doing a successful interrogation. Never, never, never, ask a question unless you already know the answer.
Fortunately I reinterviewed her the next day and managed to use his screw-up to get a full confession out of her. She stated after a few minutes of questioning that she’d tell me anything I wanted to know as long as I kept that no good SOB away from her. While she was at it she ratted out three of her alleged friends as well. It was a thing of beauty and something I’ll never forget.
Needless to say, I denied his friend request immediately.
I then made my daily trip to look in on my two new best friends. It was my last day of dog sitting before the better-half and her daughter return from their Maryland vacation. These first photos are of Jasper. He’s the elder statesman of the two who isn’t quite as peppy as he once was. He seemed pretty damn happy to get out of the house for a while and who wouldn’t be. He was locked in the house with two cats and a second spastic dog named Rihanna.
‘Jasper Showing His Good Side’
‘Jasper Being an Idiot’
This is Rihanna his nutso step-sister who’s half pit-bull and half lunatic. She has more energy than three dogs and will play fetch with you until you drop. She loves to jump up and greet people when she meets them and I have a scar on my forehead to prove it. Crazy freaking dog.
“A Rare Shot of Her Actually Standing Still’
I returned home and ended my day with two hours on the riding mower trying to cut this wet grass before the next thunder storm arrives. I really will be glad to have my better-half home on Saturday. At least she’s housebroken.
Well the better-half is finally on her way to Delaware. Her getting ready for a five day trip was much like the American soldiers preparing for D-Day. She packed everything except possibly a bazooka and c-rations. She spent five whole days packing for a five day trip which meant a minor crisis every hour or so for me to deal with. “Where’s this thing? Where’s that thing? Where did you put my recharger? My phone isn’t working properly, fix it! Why isn’t this GPS thingee working? It doesn’t work the way it’s supposed to.” Man, I’ll need at least five days of rest to recover from her packing.
This posting will be all over the place today. A little of this and a little of that. For instance, I’m always telling everyone how much I love living in Maine and thankfully I found something that will explain it clearly for you. We have an abundance of natural wonders here but it’s the people that keep me interested. We were riding around a few days ago and came upon what could be called the Mt. Rushmore of Maine. Check it out.
This is a perfect example of free thinking Americans voicing their opinion without fear of reprisals from the liberal left. I appreciate their sentiment as well as the perfect way in which it was displayed. Subtle but effective. Here are a couple of close-ups so you can read the signs a little easier.
‘More Obama Fans’
‘One of These Thrones is for Biden too!’
Now let’s talk freedom of expression and mailboxes. I created a photo book a few years ago with dozens of photo’s of unusual Maine mailboxes. The Fed’s have a whole list of requirements for people who install a mailbox. It must be so many inches high, so many inches from the road, and God forbid if it’s not an approved US Government design. They may threaten you with a vicious bureaucratic note if you don’t obey their rules which just scares the hell out of no one.
I also love those little threatening notes they occasionally drop in my box or attach to my door that informs me that they’ll stop delivering my mail unless I clear the snow and ice from my around my mailbox. It’s Maine for God’s sake. There are times when I can’t even find it to clear the snow away. It’s either buried under three feet of frozen concrete or the town’s snowplow has removed it from my property and dropped into the yard of a neighbor a few hundred yards away. The fact that it will be in five or six pieces doesn’t seem to concern them either. The citizens of Maine apparently didn’t get that important government memorandum on mailbox requirements and if they did, they ignored it. I continue to find many mailboxes which violate all of the rules of the USPS which just makes me smile. It’s just a simple and direct way for Mainer’s to throw the big middle finger to the Fed’s.
Freedom is everywhere in Maine as reflected by this sign at a local biker bar. It just isn’t necessary to make up an impressive and phony name for your band. Just call things exactly what they are. Who wouldn’t drive a few miles to hear this group perform and throw back a few drinks as well.
LET FREEDOM RING
My week of freedom is almost over and in a another two days things will be back to what we call normal with the arrival of my better-half from LA. My week of loafing is ending and thankfully so has the rain and wind of Arthur. It wasn’t until the third day of rain I even knew about Arthur because I was ignoring the television as much as possible. My only connection to the outside world was my phone and I was desperately trying to ignore that as well. I spent a lot of time on the Internet trying to resolve issues with the Adobe Corporation and a purchase I made. Here’s my sad story which should be a warning to you all about their company and it’s approach to customer service.
Last week I made the mistake of attempting to buy software on-line and to download it direct to my computer. I’ve been using Adobe’s Photoshop Elements for years to catalogue and store my photographs. I decided that maybe it was time to convert from Photoshop Elements 7 to the new version Photoshop Elements 12. That was my first mistake.
I checked a few retailers on-line and found the price to be hovering around $100.00. I told my better-half that I wasn’t comfortable with downloading the program directly and I drove to Best Buy to see if they had it in stock. I found Adobe’s Premiere Elements 12 and made the purchase for $75.00. I headed home very proud of the money I’d saved. I got home, installed the software and surprise, surprise, it was the wrong product. Adobe in it’s typical retailer wisdom named two products in a similar fashion and I was I unobservant enough to fall for it.
Premiere Elements 12 is a program for cataloging and editing videos and not still photographs. I felt stupid and a bit embarrassed by my mistake and decided to let it go and take the loss. But Adobe suckered me a second time with a pop-up add during the install to download the product I was actually looking for a price of an additional $99.00. Being frustrated and pissed off I gave them my credit card number and began the download. I’d now spent $180.00 dollars.
That was the beginning of three days of BS in trying to deal with a company that has turned over the majority of it’s customer service duties to a live on-line chat only. It’s almost impossible to talk to a human being except in chat mode. I was at my wits end because the download wasn’t working as advertised and their method of copy protection was pure insanity. After hours of frustration and waiting on the telephone for forty-five minutes I finally connected with some company representative who’s grasp of the English language was almost non-existent but was to expected when you live in the suburbs of New Delhi, India. I became a bit rude and belligerent and demanded an effing refund since my credit card had been immediately charged $105.00 for that second product.
It took two days for their investigation to verify I didn’t have a working copy of their damn Photoshop software and my refund was finally posted 48 hours later. By then I was feeling highly agitated, used, and abused. The biggest problem in this whole scenario is that their product is the best on the market and I still wanted it. I tried not to think about it anymore because it was sending my blood pressure through the roof.
Another week passed and I was still looking around for a solution to my problem when I found a site that would permit me to upgrade my existing copy of the Adobe Elements 7 at a cost of only $69.99 as a direct download from Adobe. At no time during this fiasco was that option every mentioned to me by Adobe which pissed me off all over again. I refused to be baited a second time with another download and let it go once again.
Two days later I happened upon a deal I couldn’t refuse. eBay came to my rescue when I found a vendor in the Midwest selling a package deal of photo editing software. They offered Adobe Photoshop Elements 12, a Roxio editing program, and a Font package, for $49.00. I made that purchase and it’s now on it’s way to me as we speak.
I have only two things to say to end this rant. Adobe Photoshop software is the best around but the Adobe company and it’s employees suck. That is my humble opinion and I’m positive they could care less. Their approach to business is to make as much money as possible as fast as possible and the hell with the customer. My second comment is a warning for anyone buying on-line. Many companies use the Internet as a device where they can disconnect from their customers. Shop around for the product your wanting to purchase but don’t buy directly from the manufacturer. It’s similar to going to a car dealer to get your car repaired. The only certainty is that you will be overcharged and treated as a second class citizen.
In all my years of Internet crawling and making purchases this was my absolute worst experience. I’m stuck using Adobe software but I won’t buy any new products from them in the future. Just an awful few days that could have been handled easily by a company that actually cared about their customers.
Thanks for nothing Adobe.
A few days I ago my better-half and I were sitting in a local restaurant chatting up one of her co-workers. During that conversation her friend casually asked me if I’d made any New Year’s Resolutions. I can’t remember exactly why she asked but I answered with a yes. Obviously she’s never read this blog because I post them every January for all to see.
We returned home and during the ride I decided to check the archives and do a mid-year review of my resolutions for 2014 just to see how I’ve been doing. Let’s start with this one:
1. Read five books a month.
So far I’m on track with this resolution even though I lost my Kindle reader on my trip to Texas. Now that I’m able to once again read my Kindle books from three additional devices I should have no trouble successfully completing this one.
2. Teach the grandson one curse word per month once he begins talking.
I think I jumped the gun on this one because he has yet to start speaking clearly enough to begin cursing. I may have to wait for 2015 to get this one accomplished. This one is a big FAIL so far.
3. Keep the number of F-bombs below 100 a week.
So far I’m succeeding on this one but just barely. For the year it will be too close to call since it’s difficult not to use my favorite word at every opportunity. The question isn’t using it too much, it’s having too many reasons to use it at all. If people aggravated me less this one would be a snap.
4. Drink less brandy than last year but more than next year.
I’m doing well on this one thanks to my weight loss program. I’ve pretty much given up drinking the hard stuff and have returned to sipping the occasional glass of wine. Boring but healthier.
5. Spend less than $300.00 at Dunkin Donut for the entire year ($25.00 per month).
Since we purchased the K-Kup coffee maker I’ve cut my Dunkin Donut spending by two thirds. I can make excellent coffee at home now and not be forced to spend two dollars a cup elsewhere. Hooray for me.
6. Stop dancing naked near the picture window in the living room. It scares the neighbors if their complaints mean anything at all.
I seem to be failing miserably on this one. I just can’t seem to keep my clothes on and may have flashed my new and smaller ass to the neighbors and a few lucky passersby. I’m trying to behave but I suspect this will be a FAIL once again. One of my better-half’s resolutions is to buy and install window coverings this year but I haven’t seen them yet. I wonder how much the neighbors will complain if they never get to see my ass again.
7. Fight to my last breath to keep chickens and goats from becoming part of my life.
I’m crossing my fingers on this one for now. The better-half has been putting serious pressure on me to get chickens and goats. The negotiations have progressed to where she’s agreeing to no goats if we can just get a few chickens. My negotiating position has remained the same from the beginning – NO FREAKING GOATS OR CHICKENS. For this year I will accomplish this resolution but I’m losing the battle little by little.
If I counted correctly, I’m keeping up with five of my seven resolutions but I suspect I may lose some ground during the remainder of 2014. The road to hell really is paved with good intentions.
How are you doing with yours?
Do you even care?
Probably not!
I love passing along information that will possibly help some of you travelers out there in making your vacation or long weekend trips worth doing. I’ve just spent the Memorial Day weekend in Dallas and it was one of the best holidays ever. There always seems to be a few bothersome issues when traveling which tend to gripe my ass and that’s the topic for today’s discussion.
I really only have one travelers tip for you based on my recent travels. Never fly the freaking friendly skies of United because believe me they’re not that damn friendly. United Airlines sucks and I intend to spell out the entire nightmare they put me and a few hundred of my fellow travelers through on Tuesday afternoon, Tuesday night, Wednesday’s wee hours of the morning and into Wednesday afternoon.
My trip began perfectly with a flight to O’Hare in Chicago last Friday, on time and no problems to complain about. I was filled with holiday cheer and was having good thoughts about the entire world and everyone in it. That lasted approximately two and a half hours until the United Airlines curse began. I was due to land at Dallas/Fort-Worth at 11:15 pm and my ride was waiting patiently for me. Honest, he really had nothing better to do than to waste his time waiting for United to get their act together. Finally after some typical airline BS I arrived in Dallas late. Being the forgiving soul that I am I cursed quietly under my breath and just let it go. I really do hate to be forced into any situation being controlled by any airlines but since it’s one of those times when they have you by the cojones , you’re screwed.
My holiday weekend was terrific with barbecues, tacos, and smoked steak headlining the menus. Unfortunately the fun had to end and as we drove to the airport for my return home I began to have premonitions of the coming disaster. As we flew out of Dallas a storm front arrived and eventually extended all the way to Dulles in Washington making for a really bumpy ride. We landed just ahead of the front and I had only thirty minutes to make my connection for the second leg of my journey to Maine because we arrived a little late.
United in their indisputable logic required me to run like O.J. Simpson across the terminal, jump into a shuttle bus to reach another terminal where I arrived out of breath and barely made the flight. All of us cattle herded ourselves into a small version of the Boeing 707 that held approximately a hundred idiots like me. Starting out the steward had difficulty making his safety announcements because his microphone appeared to have a loose wire of some sort. It was screeching from the feedback so loud no-one could understand him. Then the pilot announced a fan equipment failure and a half hour delay. That delay caused us to miss our take off window before the storms hit and we then had to sit through a wall of thunderstorms trapping us on the tarmac. Two hot and sweaty hours later the pilot tells us the flight has been cancelled because of other maintenance issues.
We were directed back to the terminal into the supposedly capable hands of the oxymoronic "Customer Service" crew. They herded us into a line of almost two hundred other people and offered only three Customer Service agents to handle all of our problems. As we waited endlessly in that line they announced we should call 1-800-UNITED1 for additional ticketing help.
To make a long story short the morons had me on hold for one hour before I got to talk to a human being who then told me there were no flights to Portland until Thursday with very few seats available on them. He then passed me along to another so called expert who put me on hold again. My phone ran out of power at that point and I was forced to stand around for another hour in that line to get help from their three overwrought agents. I felt bad for them but unfortunately this nightmare was about me. Also during that time my luggage, a small carryon that I had been forced to bag check in Dallas, had been sent into the black hole that is the United baggage claim system and disappeared.
Their first recommendation when I reached an agent was that I upgrade to a first-class ticket for an additional $226.00 and they could get me on a flight to Boston within the hour. Then I could rent a car and drive the rest of the way to Maine at my expense of course. I won’t repeat exactly what I said because it was extremely rude and crude. Lets just say that agent immediately understood I wasn’t interested.
I’d like to take a moment here to thank the lovely and friendly blonde lady from Yarmouth, Maine whose name I never got. She was sweet and calm and kept me from erupting into a full blown maniacal rant while we stood in that line. As I promised her, I have nothing but nice things to say about her. I told her about this blog and she was worried I might say something derogatory.
I strong armed that United agents into finding me a flight on another carrier, US Airways, but I had to shuttle across Washington DC to Reagan National Airport ($30.00 for a fifteen minute ride) and arrived there at midnight. I should also tell you that United refused any compensation to any of the travelers even though most were forced to get motel rooms that averaged $150.00 a night (I wasn’t one of them to be sure). They claimed the cancellations were totally due to the weather and never mentioned any of the maintenance issues we’d been told about by our pilot. Maintenance issues require them to compensate travelers so I wasn’t all that surprised when they didn’t hesitate to screw us all. A bunch of lying, uncaring, arrogant assholes to categorize them as nicely as possible.
I have to tell you that I had a lovely night sleeping on the floor of the terminal at Reagan National airport with eighty of my now closest friends who also refused to be coerced into paying out of pocket for motel rooms. I finally flew home to Portland today with US Airways and arrived at three o’clock this afternoon. Along with all of the other BS, I lost my Kindle Reader as I was scurrying around trying to get home. I hadn’t had a decent meal for thirty hours and I had the pungent aroma of a disgusting farm animal or so I was told by my better-half when she picked me up.
Thanks for nothing United Airlines. May you and your entire operation rot in hell. You’ll never see me again.
I can’t even begin to remember just how many times over the years I’ve taken attorneys, the ACLU, and the court systems to task. I feel I’m as qualified as anyone to bitch and complain about the system because of my long career of working with hundreds of attorneys, judges,and a host of criminal and civil defendants. Everyday that goes by we hear strange stories about how screwed up things have become with the courts and unfortunately the weirder the story the more likely it is to be true.
I received the following information from a friend who is a retired law enforcement individual with more years of experience than anyone I know. I pass it along for your amusement and with a great deal of sympathy for us all.
THE STELLA AWARDS
It’s time again for the annual ‘Stella Awards’! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald’s in New Mexico , where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That’s right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head.
Here are the Stella’s for year — 2013:
* SEVENTH PLACE *
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict , considering the running toddler was her own son
* SIXTH PLACE *
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn’t notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor’s hubcaps .
* FIFTH PLACE *
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn’t re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count ’em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner’s insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish.
* FOURTH PLACE *
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella’s when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor’s beagle – even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun .
* THIRD PLACE *
Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument .
*SECOND PLACE *
Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000 plus dental expenses.
And last but certainly not least:
* FIRST PLACE *
This year’s runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma , who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver’s seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner’s manual that she couldn’t actually leave the driver’s seat while the cruise control was set.
The Oklahoma jury awarded her $1,750,000 and a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their operator’s manuals as a result of this suit.
I could continue telling these kind of stories for hours but the point has already been made. Sue anyone for anything at anytime regardless of the circumstances. Welcome to the “Land of the Free” and the home of the “Incredibly Stupid”.
In my last posting I was whining a little about not having much beach time here in good old tropical Maine. Being the bonehead I am and living with my boneheaded better-half we decided not to wait any longer to hit the beach. The snow had just melted and we were ready.
After a visit to one of our favorite watering-holes and after toasting a few glasses of cheer we made a bee line for the nearest beach. You need to understand that the temperature was in the forties with a twenty mile an hour wind making it feel like twenty degrees. Alcohol can do a lot of things but it doesn’t help a person stay warm and toasty on a windy beach in Maine in April. I was freezing my ass off almost immediately after leaving the car but the better-half was off to the races running around the beach like a German Shepard chasing a stick. We both were snapping pictures the entire time but that ended rather quickly.
It was then I spotted a herd of totally insane people running free and unfettered among us normal and sane folk. The waves were roaring in and these fools in their wonderfully uncool wet suits were trying to surf in water that was only just above freezing.. Surfing in Maine in April is like running naked through a nudist colony in February. It’s just nuts. I watched them for a while but was forced to return to my car so I could once again feel my fingers.
“Out of His Ever Loving Mind”
The better-half finally returned of her own volition all excited and happy about the entire evening. She coerced me into driving another few miles up the coast to our favorite beach. It hadn’t gotten any warmer and I argued loudly about getting out of the car at all. As usual she strong-armed me out of the car and down to the water. There we were once again watching another insane human being wind surfing like he was in Key West and it was August. Here are a couple of shots I took of that young idiot. I’ve been known to don a wet suit to frolic in semi-warm water occasionally but no matter what people tell you . . . . it’s still freaking cold with that suit on.
“Just Nuts”
We made our way home, turned up the heat, and discussed what mental illness could be responsible for such bizarre behavior, both ours and the surfers. We never figured it out but we really didn’t care anyway. We snuggled into our bed under our wonderfully warm and overused electric blanket that’s become the best thing about these Maine winters.
Well, after five months the snow is finally gone. Unfortunately the post-winter cleanup can now begin. All of the snow and ice storms certainly did their share of damage to the property this year. One tree down, serious plant damage everywhere, and additional damage from the town’s snowplow.
It seems we’re required to replace our mailbox almost every year and it’s starting to really piss me off. A nearby friend made the mistake of complaining to the town about the recklessness of their drivers and seeming lack of concern for all the damage they’ve been causing. It took forever to find the right person to complain to and five minutes for that person to say quite simply, “move it a little further back from the road”. It’s nice to know we have a freaking genius working for the road department.
I don’t understand why me and my hundreds of neighbors didn’t think of that dumb ass solution. I may be forced to build a giant brick column with my mailbox sitting on top. We’ll see how much the town likes replacing a blade or two on their gigantic and expensive snowplows after trying to knock down my brick megalith. I’ll just politely tell them to “plow a little further from my effing mailbox”.
All of my winter projects have been successfully completed and right on schedule for a change. In another two weeks I’ll be able to begin my outside work setting up the garden and getting the mowers and weed-whackers operational. Finally a steady supply of fresh air and sunshine after almost five and a half months locked inside the house.
I’m also looking forward to some beach time in the near future as well. This was the first winter in a long time that the snow cover stayed almost all winter which meant no long wintery walks on the beach.
Since my leg has healed completely and I’m back on my workout routines maybe I can get that last ten pounds of ugly fat to disappear. I’ve lost 35 lbs so far through a difficult winter with a minimum of outside activity. I’m planning a very active schedule this summer with my camera and I traveling around this gorgeous state of ours. One short trip to Texas in May and then I’ll have the rest of the summer to take pictures, work in the garden, and to sit on my deck and relax.
Goodbye and good riddance to Winter.
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