There once was a old tart, from Kilkenny,
Whose usual charge was a penny;
For half of that sum,
You might fondle her bum,
A source of amusement to many!
There once was a old tart, from Kilkenny,
Whose usual charge was a penny;
For half of that sum,
You might fondle her bum,
A source of amusement to many!
Eight years ago during one of my funky moods I posted a list of 100 things that I hated. All these years later I stumbled on that list and decided it might be worth updating since so many things have happened to change my way of thinking. It would take more brainpower than I have to come up with 100 things that I hate these days because in fact I really hate nothing. But as you well know I’m certainly irritated and annoyed by a hell of a lot of things. I decided to go through my list of 100 step-by-step, taking my time, and reducing that list to just 50.
My first list included many things that were meant to be humorous but I think now I’ll be a little more truthful with myself about the 50 things that annoy or irritate me. Becoming a senior citizen changes a persons perspective on many things never before thought of. I’m now at the point in my life where I can say whatever the hell I want about anything. Make your own list and then match it to mine just to see how far apart we are or aren’t. Here comes the list . . .
Stupid people, dirty fingernails, criminals, backward baseball caps, large groups of people, dumb cashiers, stinky feet, bugs crawling on me, hospitals, Oprah Winfrey, Will Ferrell, women missing teeth, political correctness, liberals, drug users, stinky cheese, Jehovah witnesses, anti-vaxers, vegans, ass kissers, waiting in line, stinky breath, illegal aliens, ugly feet, noisy radios, crowded elevators, screaming brats, texting while driving, saggy pants, granny panties, penis caught in zipper, tailgaters, body odor, ex-wives, nosy people, boogers, clowns, wet farts, bums, night farts, unibrow women, Rosie O’Donnell, performing artists, smell of urine, hairy nipples, yellow nail polish, liars, corpses, jeans with holes, and of course all salesmen.
Believe me it took a lot of mental effort to eliminate 50 from my original list. Many of the ones eliminated just weren’t pertinent any longer and I’m glad I finally was able to trim the list down. Also as you can see by the title of this posting they are no longer things that I hate, just things that are currently major irritants. As you’ll notice, only a few things refer to the pandemic but that could quickly change in the near future.
GET VACCINATED
Nuff’ Said
There was a young lady from Norway
Who hung by her toes in a doorway;
She said to her beau:
"Just look at me, Joe,
"I think I've discovered one more way!"
It seems that everyone finds a great deal of humor in the smells and sounds of human bodily functions. I’m not exactly sure why it’s so damn funny but it really is. Anyone who tells me that they don’t see the humor in it is either lying or absolutely clueless.
It all started for me as a small child. Early on my father taught me the real meaning of the term “smell my finger” and believe me it’s a lesson not soon forgotten. Another of his favorites was “pull my finger” which normally resulted in a loud, disgusting, and eye watering fart. My dad wasn’t the least bit shy and would even pull stunts on my friends who were visiting. At first it was embarrassing but I soon learned to appreciate the humor as long as he was doing his thing to someone else.
Every young boy I knew took pleasure in grossing out their friends at every opportunity. School bus farting contests were our favorite because it involved grossing out the girls as well as the bus driver. We couldn’t pass that up.
Another practice was to burp as loudly as you could during a quiet study hall and then place the blame on someone else. My friend Dick had an almost supernatural ability to burp and throw his voice like a ventriloquist. He’d make a cute girl nearby turn cherry red when everyone thought she was the culprit. I hate to admit it but it was an uncanny talent that he used often and well into adulthood.
Church was the best place to maximize our unusual talents. All those prim and proper parents with their well behaved children being oh so pious. Nothing would crack us up like two rows of God-fearing Catholics smelling an SBD (Silent But Deadly) that was so bad it would curl their nose hairs. You have to realize how much acting talent and restraint it takes to appear shocked and disgusted and still be laughing like crazy on the inside. It actually made church bearable for those of us who were only there for the fun.
The other church related scene was in the confessional during confession. It did my heart good to confess my sins, say an Act of Contrition, and then leave a nasty smelling fart for the next sinner and secondarily grossing out the priest as well. Aren’t old memories the best?
I suppose you’re wondering what prompted this entire conversation. Well I was in Walgreens recently, masked as usual and minding my own business while shopping. As I walked into the rear of the store in a back corner I passed two young ladies who couldn’t have been more than 13 years old. They were laughing and giggling as most young kids do and were just as cute as a button. It was only a few seconds later I discovered why they were laughing so hard. I walked into a cloud of the worst smelling methane in history. I normally have a strong stomach but this was almost more than I can handle. I stood there trying to catch my breath while they stood nearby laughing hysterically. They ran off giggling all the way while I took a moment or two to regain my composure. Karmic paybacks really are a bitch. That damn mask might stop Covid-19 but not farts like these.
KARMA WILL GET YOU IF YOU DON’T WATCH OUT
A few months back I was sent an e-mail by a longtime friend who just happens to be female. She’s been reading this blog for a very long time and felt it necessary to tell me that she thought I was blatantly ignoring women’s issues. I vociferously disagreed but to no avail as usual. As always, arguing with a female no matter what the subject remains a fruitless endeavor. So, in response to her questionable claims I’m publishing the following. As it’s always been said “be careful what you wish for, you might just get it”. Here we go . . . .
ODE TO BREASTS
(o)(o) Perfect Breasts
( + )( + ) Fake Silicon Breasts
(*)(*) High Nipple Breasts
(@)(@) Big Nipple Breasts
oo A-Cups
{ O }{ O } D-Cups
(oYo) Wonder Bra Breasts
( ^ )( ^ ) Cold Breasts
(O)(o) Lopsided Breasts
(Q)(Q) Pierced Breasts
(p)(p) Hanging Tassel Breasts
\o/\o/ Grandma Breasts
( – )( – ) Flat Against the Shower Door Breasts
IoIIoI Android Breasts
( $ )( $ ) Jenny McCarthy Breasts
( o )( o ) Stripper Breasts
x x Flat Chested Breasts
And God created woman and she had three breasts. He then asked the woman,” Is there anything you’d like to have changed?” She replied,” Yes, could you get rid of this middle breast?” And so it was done, and it was good. Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding the third breast in her hand,” What can be done with this useless boob?”. . . .
AND THEN GOD CREATED MAN
I loved George Carlin and coming from me that is one of his greatest achievements. His comedy, except for his political views, was to me the best I’ve ever heard. Richard Pryor was right up there with him but to me Carlin was the epitome of what comics should be. His writings were just as good as his standup routine and they made you think. His English language wordplay was unbelievable and remains unmatched in my opinion to this day. He was also a better than average actor and I especially enjoyed his work in Jersey Girl from 2004. Along the way he won damn near every award possible for his work and it was richly deserved. One of his greatest moments to me was when he released his seven dirty words you couldn’t say on television. Here’s the short version of that historic event.
“I love words. I thank you for hearing my words. I want to tell you something about words that idea that I uh, I think is important. I love… as I say, they’re my work, they’re my play, they’re my passion. Words are all we have really. And the forbidden words, you know the seven don’t you? Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, and Tit’s, huh? Those are the heavy seven. Those are the ones that will infect your soul, curve your spine, and keep the country from winning the war.“
Just to show you how the times are changing I’ll tell you a quick short story. A number of months back just prior to the start of the pandemic I was sitting in our local mall in one of those half-assed living room areas where husbands can wait for their wives. A large group of teens arrived and surrounded me as they chatted away about the new iPad one of them had purchased. I sat there for no more than ten minutes and overheard six of the seven famous Carlin words. He was right, we can’t say them on TV, but you’ll sure hear them said everywhere else.
I LOVED THAT GUY
There was a young lady of Maine,
Who declared she'd a man on the brain.
But you knew from the view
Of her waist as it grew,
It was not on her brain he had lain.
This post is a bit longer than my usual but to discuss Thomas Jefferson properly it takes a little reading due to his many accomplishments. I am a lover of history and have been for as long as I can remember. The history of the United States is especially interesting considering how it was created. We hear so much about the “Founding Fathers” but in my opinion Thomas Jefferson was the founding father. He accomplished more in his lifetime than a hundred men ever did in their lifetimes. He did as much to create this country than anyone and had a remarkable gift of foresight not equaled since. Please read, understand and appreciate this man like I do.
John F. Kennedy held a dinner at the White House for a group of the brightest minds in the nation at that time. He made this statement: “This is perhaps the assembly of the most intelligence ever gathered at one time in the White House with the exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined alone.”
Thomas Jefferson also stated in 1802:
“I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies. If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation, then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around the banks will deprive the people of all property – until their children wake-up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered.”
WHERE IS OUR THOMAS JEFFERSON ??
As I was paging through some of my records I came upon a posting that I wrote 11 years ago. My thanks again go out to a Kansas City contributor who assisted me in this endeavor. It had been prompted by a State of the Union message by the president at that time, King Obama. My posting was initially about how democracies tend to destroy themselves financially and as I read through it again I began to realize that since Biden’s election absolutely nothing had changed from then until now. Disregarding the costs of the pandemic to this nation which have been considerable, there are many other things that need to be looked at as well. Read these and weep.
Now understand this. All great democracies have committed financial suicide somewhere between two hundred and two hundred and fifty years after being founded. The reason? The voters eventually figured out they can vote themselves money from the treasury by electing people who promised to give them money in exchange for electing them. The United States officially became a republic in 1776, two hundred and forty five years ago. The number of people getting free stuff is beginning to outnumber the number of people paying for the free stuff. Failure to change this terribly inequitable system could spell serious financial problems for all of us and for future generations. Do we as a people want to become another sad statistic on failed government?
“WE THE PEOPLE” CAN’T AFFORD THIS