Having worked in and out of this country’s judicial system (I use the term loosely) for decades I feel I’ve earned the right to be as critical of the players in that systems as I care to be. For me it’s a given that most defendants are borderline idiots or they wouldn’t be doing the sort of things requiring arrest. The attorneys are almost as bad and deserve whatever criticism they get as well. The judges and the remainder of the system are flawed as well but as it’s always said, “our system may a mess but it’s better than all of the others.” That’s a paraphrased quote that I didn’t intentionally butcher, it just kind of happened.
Todays posting includes a few on the record questions and answers from a combination of stupid, inept, and well educated individuals. They’re questions and answers are pitiful if they weren’t so ridiculous and at times funny. That these were taken from actual court transcripts is really the scariest part.
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Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
My only advice is to avoid the judicial system at all costs. It’s flawed just enough to make it possible for totally innocent people to be convicted and confined. It’ doesn’t happen all that often but it does occasionally occur. Clean living and avoiding criminal elements is my best advice, it just isn’t worth the risk. You’ve been warned.
If you’ve read this blog regularly you know I never miss an opportunity to ridicule and tweak the noses of celebrities and the people who worship the ground they walk on. In my travels on the Internet and while perusing through my collection of books I’ve compiled a few tidbits of information on some of our more famous celebrities to help expel some of the mysteries they spend years wrapping themselves in. They’re just folks like everyone else no matter how hard they try not to be.
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Actor James Earl Jones, the voice of Darth Vader in Star Wars, stuttered so badly as a child and he had to communicate by writing notes.
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Japanese American actor Pat Morita, star of the Karate Kid and Happy Days, suffered from spinal tuberculosis as a child and spent nine years confined to bed.
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Actor Walter Brennan (1894 – 1974) started his career in Hollywood by doing a voiceover for a donkey.
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Television star Vanna White of the show Wheel of Fortune claps an average of 720 times per show. And she has walked more than 443 miles on the show since 1982.
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During most of the time that actor Raymond Burr played Perry Mason, he never owned a television set.
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Spencer Tracy’s 1937 Oscar for Best Actor was mistakenly engraved with the name “Dick Tracy”.
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Hollywood actress Ava Gardner left a trust fund of several million dollars, her mansion, and a personal maid to her dog, Morgan.
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Tarzan star Johnny Weissmuller had a contract that stipulated he had to weigh 190 pounds or less, and for every pound over 190 he was docked $5000 – up to $50,000 a day.
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At the age of 82, actor Kirk Douglas made his 82nd film.
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Horror film star Bela Lugosi was buried in his favorite Dracula cape.
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American actress Joan Crawford had a contract with MGM Studios that stipulated the time she had to be in bed each night.
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Actor James Dean was still receiving fan mail two years after his death.
I could list another hundred snippets on more recent celebrities with even weirder things but with the social networks these days you already know most of that gossip. I’ll save a few of those for another day. I can only hope that all of you celebrity worshipers out there are able to maintain some sort of normal perspective when dealing with them. I’m just kidding myself but I can still hope.
I’m adding this photo for my own sake. While I’m not a celebrity chaser I might be convinced to chase this one.
OMG!!!
I found out the hard way that having a broken leg as we come into the holiday season is a mixed blessing. I’m three and a half weeks into this injury with at least three more weeks before I can start walking on it again on a limited basis. I’m quickly finding out that the boredom and being housebound is worse than the actual injury itself.
I found myself becoming a little hard to live with since I’ve apparently developed a rather bad temper. I just can’t seem to adjust to this slower lifestyle and my better-half is paying the price for it. With lots of Christmas season activities on the horizon she’ll be overloaded with decorating, baking, and house cleaning. I plan on helping where I can but truthfully I won’t be much help.
I put myself on her sh** list a few days ago. She knew how much I was itching to get out of the house so she took my car keys to work with her to keep me from doing something crazy. Being the persistent pain-in-the-ass that I am I found my extra set of keys hidden in a secret location. I hobbled to the garage, jumped in the car and drove a few miles to get a fresh cup of coffee and a sandwich. It wasn’t easy fitting my big ass, crutches, and the huge air cast into the front seat but I did it anyway. I made the trip without incident and returned home feeling pretty proud of myself. That lasted until my better-half got home from work then the you-know-what hit the fan. I’m now officially grounded. That hasn’t happened to me for a very long time and I don’t like it any better now than I did then. I pushed my luck with my little trip but now I’m paying the price for my stupidity.
I returned to the orthopedist for my three week exam and received nothing but good news. The bone is knitting itself nicely and no surgery will be required. I’m now permitted to slowly increase the amount of weight on it over the next three weeks. At that point I’ll be scheduled for some limited physical therapy and hopefully I’ll be back on my feet and ready to party by New Years.
I wouldn’t wish this kind of injury on my worst enemy. It’s frustrating and humbling to find yourself helpless. Last night as I was watching TV I heard my better-half upstairs doing something. A few minutes later she started down the steps when I heard a loud crash. She screamed my name and I hopped my way over to the stairs. She had fallen much like I had and fortunately only bruised her thigh, leg, and hand. She broke no bones but she’ll be sore as hell for a few days. We should be made the official poster children for CLUMSY. I may be forced to install a damn elevator so the two of us don’t cripple ourselves permanently.
Happy Effing Holidays! 2013, a year to remember and then immediately forget.
Today is “Stupid” day here at Every Useless Thing. I thought I’d start your short trip through my neighborhood with this photo that is worth much more than a thousand words. It perfectly explains for me our government’s innate ability to handle those complex jobs they keep asking us to finance.

Let’s move on to our next subject which has always been a source of mirth and giggling for me. I love anything fart related thanks to my late father. He had a strange sense of humor that as a child I learned to appreciate and be wary of. I learned at a very early age when he stuck out his hand and requested “smell my fingers” that I should run not walk away as quickly as possible. He nailed me with that prank just once but kept trying for the next thirty years to get me a second time. Here are a few fart facts you probably don’t know.
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Termites are the largest producers of farts.
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Farts are created mostly by E. coli.
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On the average a fart is composed of about 59% nitrogen, 21% hydrogen, 9% carbon dioxide, 7% methane, and 4% oxygen. Less than 1% is what makes them stink.
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The temperature of a fart at time of creation is 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit.
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Farts have been clocked at a speed of 10 feet per second. (Where’s the record on hang-time?)
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A person produces about half a liter of farts a day.
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Although they won’t admit it, women fart as much as men. (And they really reek – just a personal observation.)
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The word "fart" comes from the Old English "feortan" (meaning "to break wind").
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Excess gas in the intestinal is medically termed "flatulence."
So much for your continuing fart education. Next is a photograph for all of those American commuters who daily ride the rails to and from work in most of our major cities. Stop your bitching and complaining about the crowds and the terrible conditions. As you can see by this photo it can get worse.

I’ll just bet that riding on that train gives a whole new meaning to the term B.O. God bless America! Now in keeping with this blogs name, here are a few totally useless facts which are stupid and interesting all at the same time.
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A bag of 1,000 quarters weighs 13.42 lbs.
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You can’t sneeze in your sleep.
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Siphonapterology is the study of fleas.
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The albatross can fly while sleeping.
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Morphine is named after the Greek god of sleep.
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Pigs can get a suntan.
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Alfred Hitchcock had no bellybutton.
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Ostriches don’t bury their heads in the sand.
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There are 31,557,600 seconds in a year.
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Hitler’s favorite movie was King Kong.
Finally I thought you should be made to appreciate the efforts I make in getting this blog posted every day. This is the telephone pole just outside my home where I’m forced to rewire my Internet connection on a daily basis because of my neighbors. They keep trying to illegally hook up to my feed and it’s a real battle at times. What’s life without a struggle or two?

Have a Wonderful Day!
As a young man I was known for never listening to figures of authority up to and including my parents. Now that I’m older and somewhat wiser I realize that was a mistake. I guess hind sight is always 20/20 as they say. In my younger days I ignored everyone’s advice and paid a heavy price for my youthful arrogance. The adage “Live and learn” is no joke.
It’s still our responsibility as reasonable adults and voting citizens to pass what we know along to our kids and even our politicians. At some point the young people will become older and wiser and may have an interest in the things we say if we’ve been previously proven correct. Most of the politicians these days show their arrogance by failing to listen to their constituency and will pay the price for that arrogance by being voted out of office. We can’t make anyone listen but we do have the responsibility as voters to make the information available to them regardless. So peruse these quotations and glean whatever information you can from them. I only wish our representatives could put their ego’s on the back-burner for a change and admit that they could learn a little something from their predecessors.
* * *
“We the people are the rightful masters of both Congress and the courts, not to overthrow the Constitution but to overthrow the men who pervert the Constitution.” Abraham Lincoln
“A friend is one who has the same enemies as you have.” Martin Luther King Jr.
“In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.” Albert Einstein
“Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.” Plato
“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” Albert Einstein
“Those who say religion has nothing to do with politics do not know what religion is.” Mahatma Gandhi
“Unthinking respect for authority is the greatest enemy of truth.” Albert Einstein
LIVE AND LEARN

Well, how do you think you’ve scored? I found that I remembered the individual stories well enough but wasn’t too sharp with the small details. When I was a youngster my mother purchased a series of paperback pamphlets from the Catholic church (Who else?). Each pamphlet offered up a story from the Bible written specifically for young adults and kids. It’s nice to see that I finally found a use for all that knowledge all these years later. Here are the promised answers to the quiz.
* * *
1. The book of Esther.
2. According to Genesis 5:27, you would be 969 years old.
3. Pitch, or natural asphalt. This way
4. Darius the Mede (Book of Daniel, Chapter 6)
5. War (Book of Revelations)
6. To, Ruth and Esther.
7. Ahab, King of Israel (I Kings 16:28-31)
8. Joshua. The passages in Joshua 10:12-13.
9. The Dead Sea – which is known for it’s high salt content. The Arabs call it the sea of Lot; the Israelis, the Salt Sea.
10. The Babylonian king Belshazzar (Daniel5:1-5)
11. Balthazar, Caspar and Melchior.
12. Three days and three nights.
13. Aramaic – an ancient language in use on the North Arabian Peninsula at the time of Christ. A modern version of the languages spoken today in Syria and among Assyrians in Azerbaijan.
14. Seven according to the Bible (Judges 16:19).
15. On the third day (Genesis 1:9).
* * *
There you have it. I’ve already started work on a Food Trivia Challenge which will be posted within the next week or so.

Since I went into something of a religious kick yesterday I thought I’d continue along in the same vein today. I find it odd that so many people who claim to be religious also continuously complain about their religion. Not one particular religion but pretty much every religion collects its fair amount of criticism from its own practitioners as well as critics from other religions and of course the always ever present atheists.
This posting today is another one of my trivia challenges based fully and solely on the Bible. Believe me when I tell you I’m not an expert on the Bible. I’ve read virtually all of it at one time or another but I wasn’t seeking solace for help in maintaining my religious faith, I was just curious about what all the hoopla was about. So for those of you out there who feel that you’re a true person of faith with a fair amount of knowledge about the Bible, I’m here to challenge you today.
I’m going to increase the number of questions in this trivia challenge and instead of my regular 10 there will be 15. Let’s see how closely you’ve read and remember the information in your Bible.
1. The name of God is not mentioned in only one book of the Bible. Which one?
2. If you lived as long as Methuselah, what age would you live to?
3. According to the Bible, what substance was used to caulk Noah’s Ark and to seal the basket in which the infant Moses was set adrift on the Nile?
4. What biblical Babylonian king cast Daniel into the lions den for praying to God in defiance of a Royal decree?
5. In the Bible, which of the four horsemen of the Apocalypse rides a red horse?
6. How many books of the Bible are named for women?
7. In the Old Testament, who was Jezebel’s husband?
8. In the Bible, who did the sun and moon stand before?
9. Along what body of water is there a low-salt mountain some believe is the pillar of salt that Lot’s wife was turned into after the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah?
10. In the Bible, who saw the handwriting on the wall?
11. What were the names of the three wise men?
12. How much time did Jonah spend in the belly of the whale?
13. What language is Jesus believed to have spoke?
14. How many locks of hair did Delilah have cut from the mighty Samson’s head to render him powerless?
15. According to the Bible, on what day did God divide land and water?
I’m really proud of myself after scoring 10/15 on this trivia challenge. I guess some of the things I was taught during my misspent youth I actually retained. Tomorrow I’ll publish the answers with as much detail as I can give you to verify where in the Bible you can find them. Have fun.

I think of myself on most days as a fair and honest thinking person. It’s the way I like to be treated therefore it’s how I try to treat people I meet. With that in mind I thought I would make one more try to understand our Islamic brothers and sisters without painting them all with the “Terrorist Brush”. I didn’t say it would be easy but I’m willing to make the attempt one more time.
I’m a patriotic American and the anger than I hold inside myself is in response to terrorism in general and 9/11 in particular. It’s now been a dozen years since the 9/11 attacks and that anger hasn’t abated in the least. Let me go back to that time and explain.
I had just become unemployed when the company I worked for went bankrupt. I was sitting on my coach watching the entire attack from start to finish, unable to move or take my eyes from the screen. I wasn’t alone. there were millions of others doing the same damn thing.
A week of so later I decided to learn as much as I could about our new Islamic enemies and the alleged reasons for their actions. The first thing I did was to read the Koran from cover to cover. It’s much like the Bible and the Talmud where it’s intentionally written in such a way as to allow a lot of room for interpretation. I visited certain Islamic web-sites and read ream after ream of supposed religious quotations designed to entice non-thinking individuals into idiotic actions. I was confused almost immediately because almost none of what I was reading was found in the Koran as they claimed. As with some Christian sects, words from ancient texts were intentionally misquoted and corrupted and made to fit the extremist views of the writer.
Looking at history the Islamic culture at one time was the leader in almost everything including but not limited to the scientific, education, astronomy, and hundreds of others areas. They ruled most of the civilized world for centuries and did a pretty decent job of it. They were murderous and ruthless but so was everyone else including the Christians at that time.
Jump ahead to the present day and things have changed dramatically. They are no longer the “Big Dog” and anyone not with them must convert or die. It’s truly a moronic approach but it’s what the extremists have chosen. It should be stated clearly that worldwide they kill more of their own people than anyone else which I can’t even begin to understand.
The following quotations are Islamic proverbs which would be perfectly acceptable to almost anyone of any religion. Ninety percent of the Islamic people are hard working and only interested in leading a good life and raising their families, just like everyone else. These proverbs prove that for me. Read them for yourselves and decide.
“It is wise to bring some water, when one goes out to look for water.’
“Habit is the 6th sense that overrules the other.”
”Paradise can be found on the back of horses, in books and between the breasts of women.”
‘If you have much, give of your wealth; If you have little, give of your heart.”
“Marriage is like a fort, those who are in want out, those who are out want in.”
“A fat woman is a blanket for winter.”
“A woman can hide her love for 40 years, but her disgust and anger not for one day”.
“Even a one eyed guy will wink at a beautiful woman.”
“Love sees sharply, hatred sees even more sharp, but jealousy sees the sharpest for it is love and hate at the same time.”
“When you shoot an arrow of truth, dip its point in honey.”
“Lie to a liar, for lies are his coin; steal from a thief, for that is easy; lay a trap for a trickster and catch him at first attempt, but beware of an honest man”
“Anything that happens once does not necessarily happen again, everything that happens twice is likely to happen for the third time as well.”
“On the day of victory no one is tired.”
“Fear can make a donkey attack a lion.”
“God can see a black ant walk on a black stone in a black night.”
“Fear those who are afraid of you.”
“We learn little from our successes, but a lot from our failures”
Now that I’ve given them credit where it is due I must in good faith throw a huge and important criticism in their collective faces. Until the ninety percent of reasonable Muslim’s decide to stand up and denounce that extremist ten percent there can be no peace. I want to see the Islamic population of every little mosque on the planet take a stand against the murder of innocents for political gain. They continue to stay quiet because of their fear of retaliation from the extremists and at the same time insist on whining and crying about the bad treatment they receive from non-Muslims. You can’t have it both ways. Period. End of story.

I discovered the following list while roaming around the Net yesterday. I’m known for being sarcastic at times especially when writing about our female counterparts who tend to bring out the devil in me. The “Battle of the Sexes” is something I take very seriously and I feel that it’s my job to defend my gender. I think it’s only fair to make sure that women don’t get an unfair upper-hand in the amount of sarcastic BS they circulate about men. I promise to do my very best to keep us men on an even keel with them.
For some reason sarcasm irritates the hell out of many women except for when they’re spewing it themselves. This list of “Reasons It’s Good to Be a Women”" appear to have been written by a sarcastic and mean-spirited female sexist. Since she seems to have gone over the edge with her comments I thought I should respond in kind. I’m not saying she’s a man hater but it’s certainly someone who must has been dumped recently or has a string of failed relationships that fueled her anger and sarcasm. I hope you enjoy this item-by-item comparison written by a somewhat sarcastic man who definitely has had a few failed relationships along the way. Enjoy.
“Reasons It’s Good to be a Woman”
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We got off the Titanic first. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
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Taxis stop for us.
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We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
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No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.
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We don’t have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
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If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
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We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.
8. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
9. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
10. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
11. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.
12. We will never regret piercing our ears.
13. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
14. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren’t listening anyway.
* * *
Am I right? Does she sound just a little bitter? No doubt in my mind she has issues she’s not dealing with all that well. I think it’s time for my contribution to this discussion in a much more rational and male manner. I’ll address her points one-by-one.
“Reasons Why It’s Better to Be a Man”
1. We don’t get and complain about gynecological disorders but if we had to listen to our women explain them, then we’d probably jump off the Titanic voluntarily.
2. We have vehicles and require no taxis.
3. We don’t need to dance to display the goods. Here they are.
4. We may wear the occasional Speedo at the beach but we never go to Walmart in a dirty pink sweat suit with Hot & Juicy printed across the ass.
5. We pass gas which eases our pain and keeps us from becoming as mean and disagreeable than our gas-pained female friends and lovers.
6. We love to shave, it makes us clean and neat, not hairy and scary like some of the girls.
7. We have the maturity and passion to show our male friends the “Thrill of Victory” and the “Agony of Defeat” without worrying about what our homophobic female friends think.
8. We don’t reach down to touch ourselves to make sure our junk is still there. We do that for those females with a short attention span so they won’t forget where the goods really are.
9. We dress ourselves in a simple manner because if it’s too complicated our poor female lovers can’t figure a way to remove our clothing.
10. We talk to the opposite sex because we have the unique ability to accurately picture them naked.
11. We won’t marry someone 20 years older than us because that would make us look like an idiot.
12. We will never regret much of anything, EVER.
13. We carry a supply of chocolates with us at all times to entice the welcoming chocoholic females into a gooey, chocolate, and messy sex romp.
14. We can say almost anything we want in the presence of women because they’re too busy yakking it up with each other to hear what we have to say.
15th and Most Important: WE HAVE CUSTODY OF THE PENIS. With that in our favor we really own most women except for the occasion Lesbian. But even they find it necessary at times to make detailed replicas of the penis for their amusement and the amusement of their partners.
MEN RULE
(Sarcasm Off)

As I’ve mentioned previously my better-half’s daughter is a Math teacher in one of our local Middle Schools. I love listening to her war stories when we get together because I envy her at times. Nothing is more important than education and the interaction with the students is what I consider a major perk. Unfortunately some students take a little longer to get their act together as you will see in the following short essays. All errors in spelling and grammar remain as they were written. They will make you smile.
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The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
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The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinnesss, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother’s son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother’s birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob’s sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
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Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
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Without the Greeks we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns – Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable. Achilles appears in The Iliad, by Homer. Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
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Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
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In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn’t climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
They made me laugh a little and took me to a whole new level of respect for teachers. Molding these youngsters into intelligent and thoughtful human beings is quite the challenge and I’m just glad there are people out there who’ve been called to the teaching profession. Just amazing.

And last but not least I’d like to acknowledge and thank my newest followers. I encourage you to visit their sites and to enjoy their efforts as I do. Thanks again.
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