I’d like to lighten things up today with a short discussion about some of my favorite things, limericks. I’ve been a huge fan from an early age and unfortunately I like my limericks as dirty as possible. I had an relative years ago who had a huge book of really filthy limericks which he would bring out a parties to read a few and get the place rocking a bit.
I’ve written my fair share of limericks and it’s actually a fun thing to do. There are literally hundreds of thousands of them out there and if you don’t find them funny as hell your really missing out.
I have some favorites but I would never attempt to blog them because my better-half would kill me. Fortunately there are so many others available in so many categories I hopefully can keep it somewhat clean. I make no promises because limericks are meant to be dirty. Here’s one I’ve been saving for my better-half’s daughter who just happens to be an middle school math teacher.
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‘Tis a favourite project of mine,
A new value of pi to assign.
I would fix it at 3,
For it’s simpler, you see,
Than 3 point 1 4 1 5 9
Of course some limericks convey thoughts and comments about religion and the good and evil we all must learn to deal with.
I could put a few more of these boring limericks but let’s cut to the chase for a few sexually oriented ones.
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There was a Young Man from Kent
Whose Rod was so long it bent.
So to save himself trouble
He bent it in double,
And instead of coming, he went!
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An epileptic young woman named Camp
Was seduced on her couch by a tramp
But the first time he squeezed her
She had a Grand Mal seizure
And broke both his balls and a lamp.
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There was a young lady from Nizes
whose breasts were two different sizes.
One was so small
it was nothing at all,
but the other was huge and won prizes.
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There was a young lady named Hilda
Who went driving one night with a builda.
He said that he should
That he could and he would,
And he did and it pretty near killda.
Those were examples of a few mildly sexual limericks. I won’t be taking you any further down the limerick’s road to depravity today but possibly at a later date I’ll post a few of the more disgusting ones I’ve found. I’ll have to post them late at night from a darkened computer room to avoid complications with my somewhat prudish better-half.
Here are two I wrote this morning just to show you how easy it can be if you’d like to explore your creative side.
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There once was a man from Maine
To whom life seemed a mere game
He blogged and he blogged
Till his brain became clogged
With comments received from the lame
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Every Useless Thing is a fun blog
But the author’s been in a real fog
The writing comes easy
But at times can turn sleazy
Like having sex with a ‘ho’ and her dog
If I can stumble my way through the process then anyone can. Give it your best shot and make it as filthy as you’d like. Send it over and I’ll be sure to post it.
I’ve always considered myself to be an ambidextrous person which has made it necessary for me to read anything I can find on the subject. There are arguments and discussions both pro and con as to whether a person is really ambidextrous or just cross-dominant. Cross-dominance apparently is defined as the ability to use either hand for specific tasks but not being able to use both hands for all tasks. That sounds confusing I know so further discussion is required.
As a child in elementary school I began writing with my left hand almost immediately. Teachers in those days actually discouraged left-handedness and required those children to write with their right hands. I was chastised enough that I soon learned to write right-handed and have been doing so ever since. Oddly enough I can still right with my left but not quite as clearly. This was just the start of right-handed people attempting to change me. To a young kid it was a bit traumatic and created a great deal of confusion for me.
I was heavily into sports and the problem was again raised almost immediately. As I began training I wasn’t sure which hand I wanted to throw with. Attempts were made to force me into right-handedness but I fought against it this time. The end result was a successful career as a baseball player who threw and batted both ways. I pitched a number of Little League games over the years using either hand. In one game I actually pitched a portion of a game right-handed and when my arm tired, finished the last few innings left-handed. I felt good about it since it caused people to finally leave me alone to my mixed abilities.
Growing up our family was not wealthy or well-to-do so I was forced to make other compromises. My father was an avid golfer and started me golfing at an early age. I was taught to golf right-handed because the cost of left-handed clubs at that time was out of our reach. Many years later as a joke I rented a set of left-handed clubs at a local course and actually shot a reasonably decent score much to my Dad’s surprise. It took a while for me to make the adjustment back to left-handed but I was thrilled I was able to pull it off.
There are a few real benefits to being ambidextrous. I can hammer and nail with both hands and I can paint with either hand (artistically or house painting). It makes painting and hammering less tiring when you can switch off when necessary. I also found I had an unusual ability to write with both hands simultaneously. With my right hand I write normally and with the left I am able to write backwards. It’s a useless talent but has won me me a lot of drinks in a lot of bars over the years. Also being able to pick one’s nose with either hand is an ability your all probably jealous of. I still have no answer as to which category I fall into but that’s okay, it’s taken years but I’ve adjusted to it either way.
I only hope that kids with the same abilities aren’t still being manipulated to be something their not. Whether your a lefty or a righty doesn’t really matter. What does matter is that you be permitted to be what you are, not what someone else thinks you should be.
I thought I’d write a little about marriage today. Seeing as how more marriages fail than survive, it makes one wonder what’s the point. Even knowing it only has a 50/50 chance of success doesn’t seem to stop people from jumping right into a relationship that’s complex and difficult on it’s good days. Even the massive effort by members of the gay community to legalize marriage truly puzzles me. I sometimes think it’s just a way for them to feel like the rest of us, married, miserable, and alimony and child support eligible.
As an officiant in a wedding more than a year ago I had my eyes opened even further about weddings and their preparations. The wedding I was involved with was a down-to-earth, simple, and beautiful one. No thousands of dollars spent on a one-time dress, no catered meal, no huge hall, or any of the more stupid things like releasing doves. It was elegant and beautiful. Does that give that marriage a better chance of success? I doubt it.
The number of cottage industries that have originated to feed the marriage expectations of millions of people also boggles the mind. Event planners, depending on the wedding size, make much more money for their services than some weddings cost. As we all know some people spend many thousands of dollars on what everyone considers an institution with terrible odds of succeeding. That’s a kind of gambling most people would never attempt, not even in Las Vegas.
That being said, in my efforts to better understand I found myself wandering the highways and byways of the Net looking for information of this holy of holy experiences (I hope you know that was sarcasm). Some people have made the decision to have a humorous wedding. Why? I have no clue. I suppose humor might make taking the plunge a little less terrifying. Here are two examples of some of the new and funny vows (again sarcasm) to help lighten up the ceremony:
I (name), take you (name), to be my beloved wife. I promise to love you and be your faithful partner, for better for worse, for richer, for poorer, when the Jets are winning, and when they are losing, in sickness, and in health, and in Jets-induced sickness. I will be true and loyal, and cherish you for all the days of our lives.
I take you as my wife to have and hold, love and cherish, to honor and mostly obey. I promise to make you number one in all of my life’s biggest decisions. While I don’t promise not to make you mad, I promise to apologize…when I think it’s my fault. I want nothing more than a long and happy life together. Do you?
I can’t imagine asking someone to marry me and have them take the entire thing so lightly as to use vows like that. Here are a few quotes about marriage that really are funny and insightful. Not fake funny like those stupid vows.
"Only one marriage I regret. I remember after I got that marriage license I went across from the license bureau to a bar for a drink. The bartender said, "What will you have, sir?" And I said, "A glass of hemlock." ~ Ernest Hemingway
"Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside equally desperate to get out." ~ Michel de Montaigne
"What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility." ~ Leo Tolstoy
"My wife and I tried to breakfast together, but we had to stop or our marriage would have been wrecked." ~ Winston Churchill
"There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again." ~ Clint Eastwood
"I tended to place my wife under a pedestal." ~ Woody Allen
"Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution yet." ~ Mae West
I could write ten thousand more words on marriage, the traditions, and the ever increasing costs. But because it would push me into a major depression I refuse to do it. You can thank me later. I’ve been through the marriage ringer myself and after nineteen years we failed miserably. So maybe my comments and sarcasm are reflective of that awful experience. Even so, it doesn’t change the fact that it’s a risky proposition on it’s best day. To all of you heterosexuals and homosexuals I wish you the best. Those marriages that truly work are the best thing that can happen to two people in love with each other. If it doesn’t work it can also be the most traumatic nightmare ever and haunt you for years.
Good luck to you all. My best advice is to elope to Las Vegas. Save yourself a trip to bankruptcy court (no sarcasm in that statement).
I thought I’d stop complaining about politics for a few days to begin complaining about Mother Nature and her lack of respect for me and my gardening skills. We seem to have the start of a summer with no moderate weather conditions. For most of the month of May we had warm days and very cold nights. We also were taken by surprise by a late frost or two that hit us with almost no notice. The days were warm but the wind had a cold edge to it that just wouldn’t let up. The frost ended up costing us a few dollars when it killed a number of the recently purchased cucumber plants.
In past years that would have set me off but I guess when you can’t do control something you have to move along and not let it make you too crazy. I replanted the cukes again after being assured by a nursery owner friend that we were safe from another frost. Do we get a few days of moderate weather? No effing way.
A week ago I was sitting on my deck relaxing and talking with my sister in Pittsburgh. It was warm but still had a bit of chill in the air. My sister was complaining about the heat wave they were suffering from and that the temps had been in the eighties for a few days. We here in Maine usually receive the exact weather as Pennsylvania just three or so days later. We had a day of moderate rain and then our heat wave arrived just as expected. For three miserable days the heat was almost unbearable. It was too hot to sit on the deck until late afternoon and sleeping became a freaking nightmare. All of this weather and it wasn’t even June yet. On top of the stifling heat the sun effectively roasted and toasted a large section of the garden.
So I make another trip back to the nursery for a few more replacement plants. A number of other plants were slightly damaged as well but we were still hoping for a little rain to help them survive. Three days later they died as well as did some of the latest replacements. This kind of stuff is expected these days with weird weather patterns slowly becoming the norm. It gives me a whole new understanding and appreciation of how it must have been back in the day when your life and your families life depended on having a successful garden and crops. Those old time farmers must have had a great deal of faith and a lot of guts.
Once again I replanted all of the cucumbers, watered them in, and prayed the weather would moderate a little with just enough rain to keep them healthy. It was now the first of June and I hoped for the best. Another mistake for sure. I monitored the weather and soon became aware of possible thunder storms heading our way. It began to rain and it poured for hours. It was so bad that some of my newest plantings were washed out of the ground. I’m beginning to get the idea that the gardening gods are messing with me.
If your going to garden you must be ready for almost anything. Patience is required as well as a supply of really good cuss words. They don’t actually help the situation but they do have the ability to make you feel a little better.
I’ve just replanted the cukes for the third and hopefully last time.
At the rate the grass is growing it should be knee high in a matter of days. That should give me something new to stress about. Mother Nature is definitely not our friend so far this Spring.
I love history and looking back at this country’s politics. It’s my attempt to learn how the system could have deteriorated to where it is today. It doesn’t take a genius to watch and listen to today’s representatives and senators to identify the issues that are driving us crazy. Bad habits are usually a learned response and our current gang of politicians have learned their lessons well. Many of these bad habits have been passed down over the years from one group of politicians to another and been finely tuned.
It seems obvious to me that there are three main priorities; money, re-election, and power. They raise huge amounts of money to accomplish priority number one which in turn helps them to accomplish priority number two. Once re-elected they can pursue their third priority, power, which they all seem to crave. The fact that most of the money spent for reelections eventually works it’s way back into the hands of corporate America must must be a fortunate happenstance. Yeah right!
One of my major criticisms is that they all seem to be concerned only with getting on TV first with a cutesy “sound bite” before their competitors. It doesn’t seem to faze them that they never have anything of consequence to say just ten second quips for those ever-present media cameras.
Since I agree whole-heartedly with this criticism I decided to determine exactly when and where it all started. The use of campaign slogans began well before the current Media became so powerful and demanding. Back in the day they reported what was occurring in the country in an unbiased fashion. They weren’t involved in creating the news as they are today. The “straw that broke the camels back” for me was when big corporate American began buying up the most influential media organizations. The unbiased history of the Media was for the most part a thing of the past. As I searched around I found the following campaign slogans in use going all the way back to 1840. They started out cutesy and entertaining but slowly became hurtful and nasty at times. This is just a small sampling of old and new irritating slogans that may have helped kick started the “sound bite” revolution.
Tippecanoe and Tyler, Too – 1840
Fifty-Four Forty or Fight – 1844
Equal Rights to All; Special Privileges to None – 1900
Stand Pat with McKinley – 1900
He Kept Us Out of War – 1916
Back to Normalcy – 1920
Keep Cool With Coolidge – 1924
A Chicken in Every Pot; A Car in Every Garage – 1928
In Hoover We Trusted and Now We Are Busted – 1948
One Good Term Deserves Another – 1934
I’m Just Wild About Harry – 1948
To Err is Truman – 1948
Phooey on Dewey – 1948
I Like Ike – 1952
I Still Like Ike – 1956
In Your Guts You Know He’s Nuts – 1964
Never Been Indicted – 1980
It’s the Economy, Stupid – 1992
Hope and Change – 2008
Apparently we citizens always were always suckers for “sound bites” even when they were just called “campaign slogans”. Maybe it’s time we the voters change how we approach politics. Maybe I’m an idiot if I really believe that’s even possible. I’ve lost most of my faith in the American voter which requires me to remain even more skeptical and critical of anything remotely related to politics.
What would you rather see? Janet Jackson’s nipple or a newborn baby cooing to his mother?
What would you rather hear? President Obama’s reassurances that everything will be alright or a love song from Taylor Swift.
What would you rather taste? Lemon juice or whipped cream.
What would you rather smell? Someone’s body odor or freshly baked bread.
What would you rather touch? The sharpness of a razor blade or the fur of a kitten.
I’ve just given you a tour of the five human senses which everyone is endowed with, allegedly. Common sense should make the answers to these questions really obvious. You have just experienced your first poll here at Every Useless Thing. I can report the following results:
15% of my readers hate cooing babies.
15% of my readers hate Taylor Swift.
85% of my readers hate lemon juice.
15% of my readers love body odor.
85% of my readers hate razor blades.
My poll is just as ridiculous as most of those polls you hear being mentioned on the news all too frequently. I was recently called by some BS polling outfit who began asking me a series of political questions so slanted and biased I was stunned. Would you rather die a horrible death or approve Obamacare?Would you rather pay a few more dollars in taxes or see your children die? Would you rather vote for someone who wants clean air or a Republican?
You get my drift I hope. Polls are just another way to manipulate the citizenry through biased and rigged questions by alleged experts who we’ve never heard of before and whose qualifications can’t be verified. It’s an easy matter for any of us to create a fictitious organization, give it an official sounding name, with official business cards and stationary, and release polling information slanted in our specific political direction. If the Media likes what it hears, the poll will be broadcast on the news for days with the talking heads giving it their support. If they don’t like the results then it’s buried and never seen of heard from again. Since the great majority of media folks are self-proclaimed liberals you can see the problem.
This kind of manipulation was one of the things the fourth estate was to help identify and warn the population about. That was one of the checks and balances incorporated into our form of government by the Founders. The Media was to be our unbiased watch dog and protector against governmental abuses. With that protection slowly disappearing we’ve now become vulnerable to a government that wants to control every facet of our lives while the Medias stands by and applauds.
We should be worried because it’s been getting progressively worse every day.
It appears that Spring Is really here this time. The night time temperatures are rising and yesterday they made it into the mid-eighties for the first time. Maybe just maybe we can put the worries about frost and cold air behind us. We suffered a light frost two nights ago which was more than a little unusual for late May even here In Maine.
The garden’s been completed with all the plants in the ground and on their way to producing the things we require for next winter. The herb garden had some recent issues with space requirements due to an out of control apple mint plant that was determined to take over the entire area. It grew up and over an oregano plant that I’ve had for years and killed it. I was forced to attack that plant with a shovel and cut away close to sixty-five percent of it. I then surrounded it with a box that extends deep into the soil to stop it from spreading it’s runners in every direction. I replanted three new oregano plants nearby and hopefully they’ll grow healthy and keep us supplied through next winter. I need to be extra careful that I don’t harvest too much or I’ll be the idiot responsible for killing them.
Last year at the beginning of the season I planted two rhubarb plants. I knew it would be at least a year before I could harvest any of them for jams or jellies. The plants need to be firmly established before you can start chopping away at them. I think I’ve been successful because both plants are growing out of control already. Normally my neighbors, who also grow rhubarb plants, see theirs grow not much more than two feet high. Both of my plants are going strong and are already three and a half feet high and I can just about taste that strawberry-rhubarb jam we’ll be making later this Fall.
I can now sit on the deck and watch the garden grow for the next three months. I’ll be forced to kill some insects, slugs, and other assorted pests but that’s just normal gardening activities. My biggest fears are the deer that love to show up once the plants are a few inches tall and chew them off a ground level. This is the same battle my father fought for years and never was able to completely win.
Everyone I know has their own methods for dealing with deer but honestly they don’t have much more success than he did. I’ve been told to spread powdered blood around, hang human hair in panty hose from the trees, build a six foot high fence, and the best and most disgusting solution was for me to urinate around the garden whenever possible. As much as I like peeing outside, I think I’ll skip that one. It could very quickly make my neighbors a little uncomfortable.
My better-half has suggested we build a human size scarecrow in the hopes it will scare the deer away in those early hours of the morning when they usually visit. I think I’ll try and create one that looks as much like my ex-wife as possible. It should certainly scare the hell out of them just like it will scare the hell out of me. I guess I can deal with that kind of trauma if it keeps the freaking deer out of my garden. Man just thinking about that sends a cold chill up my back.
Thank God there aren’t many moose in this general vicinity. Even a scarecrow of my ex-wife wouldn’t scare those big bastards away. Life in Maine is always interesting.
I’ve never had the opportunity to raise an infant and I think that’s why it fascinates me so much. I’ve been around infants a few times in my life but never for a long periods of time. I was always a little intimidated by babies because I had no clue how to approach them or care for them. They were more like little lumps of a person who couldn’t speak and in some cases couldn’t’ even focus their eyes. I won’t even get into the hazards of diaper changing and other cleanup chores.
When my ex-wife and I decided to adopt she was interested in adopting two sibling sisters under the age of six. I was thinking to myself, OMFG, what am I going to do. That adoption didn’t work out but luckily we later adopted a twelve year old boy. I breathed a huge sigh of relief and our life proceeded forward.
Many years have passed and at this late date I guess I’m making up for lost time. My better-half’s grandson who just turned six months old has become a huge part of my life. After watching his growth and development I can’t wait until he starts speaking. I can tell he already has things to say but just hasn’t figured out how yet. It won’t be long now and I’m actually looking forward to really meeting him for the first time with sound and words.
During my surfing on the net I found this collection of assorted quotations from kids under the age of six which made me smile. That’s what I like about young children, they speak their truth. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did. Just picture that cute little child standing in front of you with those innocent eyes and speaking the following:
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Dear God, I read the bible. What does "beget" mean? Nobody will tell me.
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The wind is like the air, only pushier.
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One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
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You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don’t hear it, you got hit, so never mind.
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The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.
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Lime is a green-tasting rock.
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Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils, while others preferred to be oil.
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Dear God, My brother told me how babies are born but it just doesn’t sound right. What do you say?
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Genetics explain why you look like your father, and if you don’t why you should.
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In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H’s as O’s.
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Clouds are high flying fogs.
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Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
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Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog’s tongue will kill the strongest man.
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Dear God, My Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go?
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A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
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I’m being haive! — 2 year old son, when his mother told him told to behave.
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Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. You can look it up.
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A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.
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Dear God, Is it true my father won’t get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in the house?
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Daddy picked them up and looked underneath. I think it’s printed on the bottom. — 3 year old son, when his mother asked how his father knew the genders of four new baby kittens
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I had a fraction in my neck and had to go to the hospital for a long time.
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Dear God, Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There’s nothing good there now.
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Mommy, you said it would be a shot; instead it was a needle!
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And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some email.
In another few months these types of statements and questions will become a part of my life and I pray to God I can come up with the proper answers. It could go either way.
We have an over abundance of street gangs in this country who’ve staked out certain areas of many communities as their "turf". Battles over "turf" seem stupid to me but so do many other gang related things. I’m really not interested in all of the excuses made by society that try to explain membership in these groups. I’m trying to understand how you can casually walk down the street and kill someone for no reason other than as part of an initiation rite for membership. And thanks once again to the History Channel for making it a regular program available to millions of our kids. Gangland is the show and it’s a damn disgrace.
The more I learn about gangs the less I understand. One thing I seem to hear quite often is the word "dis". He "dissed" me in front of my friends. He "dis"respected me so I came back later that night and shot him. As I was growing up I can honestly say I never heard that word ever used. It’s only in the last fifteen years that it seems to have become part of the lexicon in this country. How is it that a small innocuous three letter word has caused the deaths of so many. How is it that a small three letter word which has been in use for decades has been turned upside down and now becomes a reason to kill. Many words contain "dis" but don’t require deadly action to defend.
…disbanded
…discharged
…discouraged
…discriminate
…disenchanted
…dismembered
…distressed
…distrusted
None of these words need defending at the cost of a human life. Maybe it’s just a convenient excuse or rationalization by these gang members for committing violent acts. Maybe it eases someone’s guilt feelings by using the word to convince themselves their protecting their gang. Maybe it’s the gangs peer pressures and fear of exclusion that make a thirteen year old kid turn into a killer. It might even be fear of reprisals that force these violent acts to take place.
I must sound vaguely like some of the so called dumb-ass experts making excuses for their bad behavior. Maybe it just comes down to the basics. If you don’t like school, other people, the government, the police, your parents and you do like drugs, violence, murder, and prison. Your destined to be a gang member.
Believe me I have no answers to this problem but I’m sure sick to death of seeing it broadcast on TV over and over again. The program Gangland needs to be discontinued. In it’s own weird way it’s romanticizing the gangbanger way of life like nothing before. I can just see groups of gang members bragging it up that their gang was mentioned on TV and really showed the world what a bunch of bad asses they are. It’s probably one of their best recruiting tools these days and it costs them nothing at all.
Most people consider themselves to have a great sense of humor and so do I. I’m sarcastic to a fault with an extremely dry sense of humor. Some people like it, some people don’t, as in all things.
One of the first things I look for when I meet someone new is their sense of humor. Do they like to laugh? Are they quick witted and enjoy being kidded? That’s the difference between being my friend or just being an acquaintance. I’ve been told that making a decision on someone based solely on humor just isn’t fair. That’s probably true but that’s the way I do it. I’ve met really intelligent people who have no sense of humor at all. Is that how you would like to spend your time, with them? Not me.
Everyone thinks they have a sense of humor. That really smart guy who I just met and accused of having no sense of humor thinks he’s the funniest guy on the planet. That’s one of the reasons attending a comedy club amateur night can be so much fun. That smart guy will stand up, say a few so-called funny stories, and bomb terribly. While some drunken schmuck will get up and have the entire place in stitches almost immediately. As with beauty, humor is in the eye of the beholder.
Here’s a collection of so-called humorous quotations by so-called celebrities. You be the judge on who’s funny and who’s not.
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“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?”
― Chris Rock
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“I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.”
― Woody Allen
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“When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, There’s just something about you that pisses me off.”
― Stephen King
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“It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!”
― Friedrich Nietzsche
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“Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it’s a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope.”
― Dr. Seuss
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“My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.”
― Winston Churchill
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“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
― George Burns
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“Mom says it’s because she has PMS.
Do you even know what that means?
"I’m not a little kid anymore. It means pissed-at- men syndrome”
― Nicholas Sparks
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“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”
― Steven Wright
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“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
― Steve Martin
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“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”
― Robert A. Heinlein
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“I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
― Woody Allen
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“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
― Groucho Marx
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“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ”
― W.C. Fields
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“Ever notice how ‘What the hell’ is always the right answer?”
― Marilyn Monroe
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“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”
― Albert Einstein
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“There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.”
― Oscar Levant
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“Life’s hard. It’s even harder when you’re stupid.”
― John Wayne
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“When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.”
― Albert Einstein
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“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.”
― Groucho Marx
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“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”
― Billy Sunday
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“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”
― Mark Twain
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“I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.”
― Jane Austen
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“I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.”
― Mae West
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“Happiness is a warm puppy.”
― Charles M. Schulz
Are all of these quotations funny, not really, but the person making them thinks they are. It just goes to show that a well developed sense of humor can change people’s perception of you one way or another. Good, bad, indifferent, what does it matter, at least they’ve noticed you and you’ve made an impression. That’s the first step to a possible life long friendship.
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