I’ve been ranting a bit for the last few days about politics and politicians, and I’ve run out of energy. Bitching and complaining is a total waste of time because it gets me nowhere very quickly. Today I’ll return to a topic I love and enjoy, limericks, especially those written by children. They make me smile and laugh out loud occasionally. Politics does not.
By Gareth Owen
Winnifred Gristle could whistle through thistles.
At whistling through thistles our Winn was a dream.
Yesterday I posted a long list of annoyances and if you noticed I never once mentioned politicians or politics. Political annoyances should not be grouped with the regular life annoyances because annoying politics and politicians is serious business. Not only does it impact our life in a number of ways it’s just another excuse for the powers that be to dip their hands into our pockets and take more of our money.
Are you as sick of this nonsense as I am? Sick of all these less than truthful politicians beating our brains out every day with more BS than any human being should be forced to listen to. It’s not just the current batch but everyone for the last 30 years who have permitted overspending without much of a thought. They’ve allowed huge government programs costing trillions of dollars to fund the numerous wars like the alleged War on Poverty (which we lost), the alleged War on Drugs (which we lost), and dozens of other alleged wars that were totally or partially unsuccessful. As an aside, hundreds and thousands of our young service men and women have been killed, wounded, or permanently damaged by PTSB. Remember this as you listen to our brave politicos sitting in their safe offices making life and death decisions for everyone else. Am I bitter? You bet your ass I am.
WE THE PEOPLE must take our share of the blame. We elected these fools over and over again because they brought home the “pork” for us locally. Know your history and read these few thoughts from our founding fathers.
“Rather go to bed supperless than rise in Debt” Benjamin Franklin, 7 July 1757
” I sincerely believe. . . and that the principle of spending money to be paid by posterity, under the name of funding is but swindling futurity on a large scale.” Thomas Jefferson, 28 May 1816
This is not one of my favorite times of the year. Summer is ending, skies are gray, rain is cold, leaves are dropping, and the runup to the end-of-year holidays has begun. A little depressing to say the least. I can deal with depression but it’s also very annoying. I thought a quick compilation of my major annoyances would be in order and here they are.
Leave it up to the money hungry retailers to have Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas merchandise already displayed. IT’S OCTOBER YOU MORONS!
People who insist on talking over me during a conversation makes me want to scream. JUST PLAIN RUDE!
Every Wendy’s that lists coffee on the menu and then makes me wait until they make a pot. Every time! WORST KIND OF CUSTOMER SERVICE!
The person in front of me at the express checkout line with an entire cart load of merchandise. ASSHOLE!
Black Friday was always annoying, but this year should be priceless. They’ve begun advertising it already. CORPORATE GREED!
Anyone still writing checks at the register in a food store. SHEER STUPIDITY!
Anyone who has a debit card but can’t figure out how to use it. EXASPERATING!
People who claim to have something really important to tell me, then send a four-word text message. CALL ME!
Any person, male or female, who is more than 30 pounds overweight and attempting to slim down by wearing skinny jeans. SO BAD!!
People who continually bitch and complain about their food and service in a restaurant. STAY HOME!
Twenty or more minutes of every hour for moronic ads on every conceivable type of device. JUST KILL ME NOW!
City workers and their gigantic snowplows destroying at least one of my mailboxes every year. IGNORAMUSES!
People who insist on telling me all about their child who is an honor student somewhere. I DON’T CARE!
Rear window decals displaying family members and pets. LAME!
I’ve been around the planet just long enough to have allowed at least 10,000 politicians to tell me things that I knew were untrue and I was sure they knew it too. Not just Democrats and Republicans but Independents, Greenies, and Nut-bags. I’ve watched more than my share of debates, listen to the all-knowing Mainstream Media television pundits, and was assured that the polls they all quoted were legitimate. Am I stupid or what?
The following list was put together some time ago by a disgruntled voter who actually had the gall to ask politicians for their thoughts on these topics. The list hasn’t changed in 15 years and yet we still never get answers.
You can get arrested for expired tags on your car but not for being in the country illegally.
Your government believes that the best way to eradicate trillions of dollars of debt is to spend trillions more of our money.
Children are forcibly removed from parents who appropriately discipline them while children of “underprivileged” drug addicts are left to rot in filthy surroundings.
Hard work and success are rewarded with higher taxes and government intrusion, while slothful, lazy behavior is rewarded with EBT cards, WIC checks, Medicaid, and subsidized housing.
The government’s plan for getting people back to work is to provide endless weeks of unemployment checks (to not work).
*****
Some politicians think that stripping away the amendments to the Constitution is really protecting the rights of the people.
The rights of the government come before the rights of the individual.
Being stripped of the ability to defend yourself makes you “safe” (gun ownership).
You have to have your parent signature to go on a school field trip but not to get an abortion.
And 80-year-old woman can be strip-searched by the TSA but a Muslim woman wearing a burka is only subject to having her neck and head searched.
*****
Elections are coming. Question the government inequities and closely examine every word that comes out of the mouth of every candidate. Double speak is the tool of the untrustworthy.
As I was rummaging through my collection of books I discovered one I forgot I had. It was buried beneath a pile of other useless information. It’s called Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader and I gave it a quick read. Being a former cop and an employee of the Maine Criminal Justice System, I tend to read things about the courts and laws before anything else and I’m glad I did. The Bathroom Reader made me aware of some strange and ridiculous laws from around the country. Here are just a few.
The law prohibits barbers in Omaha, Nebraska, from shaving the chests of customers.
In St. Louis Missouri, it’s illegal for you to drink beer out of a bucket while you’re sitting on a curb.
In cotton Valley, Louisiana, law forbids cows and horses from sleeping in a bakery.
The maximum penalty for double parking in Minneapolis, Minnesota, is working on a chain gang with nothing to eat but bread and water.
In the state of Alabama, it’s illegal to play dominoes on a Sunday.
In Las Vegas Nevada, it’s against the law to pawn your dentures.
If your 88 years of age or older, it’s illegal for you to ride your motorcycle in Idaho Falls, Idaho.
In California, it’s illegal to hunt whales from your automobile. It’s also against the law to use your dirty underwear as a dust rag.
It’s illegal to sleep with your boots on in Tulsa, Oklahoma.
In Natoma, Kansas it’s illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suits.
These 10 items are mild compared to some of the others I’ve seen over the years. We Americans are great at passing a law after law but very lax in eliminating silly crap like this from the rolls. I’m going to make an effort to finds a few that are even crazier than the ones you just read.
Here is your daily collection of somewhat interesting useless information. Read, learn, and pass it along to friends, family and coworkers. I’m sure they’ll appreciate receiving them as much as you do receiving it from me. LOL
Too much coffee can kill you. A lethal dose of caffeine for the average adult is approximately 10 grams, or the equivalent of drinking between 50 and 200 cups of coffee in rapid succession.
The largest human cell is the female ovum. The smallest is the male sperm.
Mosquito repellent doesn’t repel mosquitoes. It only blocks their sensors so that they don’t know you’re there.
Members of the U.S. Congress are the world’s highest-paid legislators.
The bristled toothbrush originated in China around the year 1498. The bristles, fixed to a bamboo or bone handle, were neck hairs from Siberian boars.
*****
One of the holiest Christian holidays is named after a pagan goddess. The word Easter derives from the Anglo-Saxon goddess Eostre, who governed the vernal equinox.
In 1659, the Massachusetts General Court ordered a five shilling fine to be paid by anyone caught celebrating Christmas. The ban was revoked in 1681.
In his role as James Bond, the super spy, Sean Connery wore a toupee to hide his receding hairline.
Artists have more sexual partners. Researchers suggest that creative people excel at attracting mates, acting on sexual impulses, and doing more than their share of ensuring species survival because they often display “schizotypal” characteristics which are the positive side of schizophrenic personality traits.
Wedding rings date back thousands of years. The ancient Romans and Egyptians both believe that a vein called the vena amoria ran directly from the ring finger to the heart.
I’m feeling in a very ‘limericky’ state of mind this morning. It’s cold, gray, and nasty so a day sitting at the computer is called for. After perusing through my achieves I decided on a few fairly clean limericks based on accidental deaths or injuries. Rather than be off color I decided on weird and these got it covered and then some.
There aren’t many things that make my skin crawl but some insects can really creep me out. Many people fear snakes and thank god I’m not one of them. This planet is covered with every sort of creature and there are still many we haven’t discovered. That thought creeps me out as well. I hate waking up in the morning and occasionally finding bug bites on my body . . . ooooh! They say spiders love to visit us stupid humans while we sleep. I thought I’d pass along a few more facts to help you sleep, so here are some creepy facts about some really creepy things.
The female salamander inseminates herself. At mating time the male deposits a conical mass of sperm covered in a jellylike substance. The female then draws the jelly into herself, and in doing so fertilizes her own eggs.
Bombyx mori, a silkworm moth, has been cultivated for so long that it can no longer exist without human care. Because it has been domesticated, it has lost the ability to fly.
Some insects, after their head is severed, may live for is much as a year. They react automatically to light, temperature, humidity, chemicals, and other stimuli.
There are locusts that have an adult lifespan of only a few weeks or so, after having lived in the ground as grubs for 15 years.
There is an average of 50,000 spiders per acre in green areas. Essential to the balance of nature, spiders annually destroy 100 times their number in insects.
Snails produce a colorless, sticky discharge that forms a protective carpet under them as they travel along. The discharge is so effective that snails can crawl along the edge of a razor without cutting themselves.
Cockroaches have quite a capacity for survival. If the head of one is removed carefully, so as to prevent them from bleeding to death, the cockroach can survive for several weeks. When it dies, it is from starvation.
There are more different kinds of insects in existence today than the total of all kinds of all other animals put together.
The male praying mantis Literally loses his head after courting the female. The latter is known to decapitate the earnest suitor, and she often completely devours him.
Trinervitermes, a species of termites that is native to the African savanna, builds mountains that are only about 12 inches high. However, the termites bore shaft deep into the ground for access to water. Holes have been found below these termite mounds that go more than 130 feet into the earth.
Any day that starts with a visit to an Oncologist is a day that has to get better. Doctors still give me the willies even after all of my cancer related BS. I got a clean bill of health but I still have to go through their annoying little requirements each time I visit. Screw it, no more doctors talk. Let’s smile just a little with a few retro bumper stickers to get started today. Welcome back to the 60’s and 70’s.
EAT YOUR HEART OUT. I’M MARRIED.
LIFE’S TO SHORT TO FEEL GUILTY
BUMPER STICKERS ARE JUST NOT ENOUGH
I’M SO BROKE I CAN’T EVEN PAY ATTENTION
GOD IS COMING AND SHE’S PISSED OFF
Look Out Ladies – Here I come.
I think I had one or two of those on my 1973 orange Gremlin. I sure miss that car. And just for the hell of it here is a rather lengthy epithet from a fine poet in Wolverhampton, Straffordshire, England. I’m guessing this was written sometime between 1845-1855. It’s obvious that the author was no Longfellow.
I’ve worked closely for a variety of people over the years and I thought I’d heard every stupid question imaginable. Then I began reading about questions asked at National Parks and Tourist Visitor bureaus. Boy was I ever mistaken that I’ve heard it all. You just can’t make this stuff up.
*****
Which beach is closest to the water?
Do you have a map of the Iditarod Trail? We’d like to go for a walk now.
Have we made peace with the Indians?
What is the best time of the year to watch deer turn into elk?
Where are Scarlet and Rhett buried and are they buried together?
*****
If you go into a restaurant in Idaho and you don’t want any kind of potato with your meal, will they ask you to leave?
I am trying to build a flying saucer. Where do I go for help?
Where can I find a listing of jazz funerals for the month?
What is the official language of Alaska?
Where can we find Amish hookers? We want to buy a quilt.
*****
Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
So whats in the unexplored part of the cage?
We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?
everyuselessthing.com 