Archive for the ‘Art’ Tag
Do you own a cowboy hat or other articles of western clothing. The American Old West has fans around the globe as reflected in thousands of Japanese cowboys who live for the fantasy. I was a big fan at an early age when I received my first two-gun cap pistol rig. When the novelty of that wore off, I was pretty much finished with my desire to be a cowboy, so I moved on to wanting to be a professional baseball player and later still a first-class skirt chaser. I’m not wearing a cowboy hat, boots, or assless chaps but I still can offer a few limericks from the Old West.
While waiting for the Sioux to disband,
Colonel Custer took matters in hand.
Despite his dejection
He achieved an erection.
That was almost Custer’s Last Stand.
As a gunslinger Wild Bill Hickok
Had mastered every known trick-shot.
But his skills while in bed
Leave less to said,
For nothing could make his small dick hot.
Said a girl who came west to a farm,
“City life has far greater charm.
Take the pleasures of orgasm,
Each urban girl has’em,
But in Kansas they’re viewed with alarm.
An old whore who worked Santa Fe
Was known as a luscious hot lay.
But the bugs in her twitchet
Forced her always to itch it,
And that frightened her clients away.
Yee Ha, Y’all!
A young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They first went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, she seemed somewhat bored. “What would you like to do next?” he asked. “I want to be weighed,” she said. So, the young man took her over to the weight guesser. “112 lbs,” said the man at the scale, and he was obviously right. Next, they took a ride on the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then asked what else she would like to do. “I want to be weighed,” she said again. I really latched onto an odd one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse that he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. The girl’s mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, “What’s wrong, dear, didn’t you have a nice time tonight?” “It was “Wousy,” said the girl.
Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.
When Ralph first noticed his penis was growing longer and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. After several weeks his penis had grown to twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned as he was having problems dressing and even walking. So, he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph’s condition could be fixed with corrective surgery. “How long will Ralph be on crutches?” the wife asked anxiously. “Crutches? Why would he need crutches?” responded the doctor. “Well,” said Ralph’s wife coldly, “you are going to lengthen his legs, aren’t you?”
Q. What’s the difference between a lesbian and a Fritz cracker?
A. One’s a snack cracker, and the others a crack snacker!
I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY . . .
AND MAYBE A LITTLE NAKED AS WELL
I’m feeling quite miscellaneous today. This last week has been a huge pain in the ass with two days of no electric or internet, and the never-ending smartphone interruptions. Add to that an ice storm and finally a visit to my least favorite doctor, my dentist. Things are now back in to normal (whatever the hell that means). Here is a Mish Mosh of trivia items that caught my interest earlier today, so let’s get this started with a list of ten actual pornographic movie titles that were takeoffs of real Hollywood movies.
Tiger’s Wood
Edward Penishands
Beverley Hills 9021-Ho!
Pulp Friction
Shaving Ryan’s Privates
Forest Hump
Raiders of the Lost Arse
Titty Titty Gang Bang
May the Foreskin Be With You
Girth, Wind, and Fire
Here are a few tidbits of mostly obscure information on a few of Hollywood’s endless supply of alleged celebrities.
- Sex therapist Dr. Ruth Westheimer of TV fame is a trained rifle sniper.
- One of the few celebrities I like is Mel Brooks. Most people don’t realize that he fought in the Battle of the Bulge during World War II.
- Many of you will remember the late James Doohan (Scotty from Star Trek) who was shot six times during the D-Day landings in World War II.
- The word “fuck” appears more than 265 times in the 1994 film Pulp Fiction.
- As a follow-up here are a few facts from the 1998 movie The Big Lebowski. The word “fuck” is spoken 292 times, the word dude is spoken 161 times, and the word man 147 times.
- The male lead in The Terminator was initially offered to O.J. Simpson and Mel Gibson. They both turned it down and Schwarzenegger stepped in.
- Actor Arnold Schwarzenegger earned roughly $21,490 per word in the movie The Terminator. He received $15 million for the role and spoke only 700 words.
BEAM ME UP SCOTTY, PLEASE!
Here is another installment of some moderately disgusting 1980’s humor. How can you not appreciate the “good old days” and their “unwoke” attitude?
- Why are women like pianos? When they’re not up right, their grand!
- What do you have if you use Kaopectate, Clearasil and birth control pills? No runs, no zits, no errors!
- What’s the difference between a hold-up and a stick-up? Old age!
- What are the two stages of being a husband? When you want to be faithful but are not, and when you want to be faithful but cannot!
- What is it in the spring air that causes girls to get pregnant? Their legs!
- How many men suffer from wet dreams? Nobody suffers from wet dreams!
- What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche? The porcupine has the pricks on the outside!
- Why did the girl take a bath in peroxide? Because she heard that on the whole gentlemen prefer blondes!
- What is French asthma ? You can only catch your breath in snatches.
- What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A genealogist looks up your family tree, but a gynecologist just peeks inside your bush!
Here is one of my all-time favorites.
What’s the difference between frustration and panic? Frustration is the first time you find that you can’t do it the second time, and panic is the second time find out you can’t do it the first time!
LUV THE EIGHTIES
Is it just me or is the media using the term “genius” way too often. It seems that if your successful at anything you’re a genius until the novelty wears off and then your back to being a regular schmuck like everyone else. Real geniuses are a rarity, and they bring their own baggage along with them. They are usually a genius in a specific area but in other areas not so much. I went to college with a guy who could pick up a #2 pencil and in mere minutes, completely copy works by Michaelangelo. It was effortless and left many of us absolutely amazed. What most people didn’t know was that he was something of a recluse. He hated groups of people and was barely able to attend classes. Many times, he would complete wonderful projects at his apartment and then contact his fellow students to deliver them to the teacher. He was unable to speak before groups of more than 2 or 3 without panicking. Was he a genius? Yes! Was he happy? I don’t honestly know.
I decided to checkout a few well know geniuses to get a better feel about how they handled their gift. Here are a few facts.
- The eccentric English chemist and physicist Henry Cavendish (1731-1810) had no appropriate instruments for that purpose, so he measured the strength of an electrical current in a direct way. He shocked himself with the electrical current and estimated the pain. He still managed to live to be nearly 80 years old.
- The first person to work out the manner in which a telescope handled light according to strict scientific principles was the German astronomer Johann Kepler. His eyesight was so bad, however, that it was useless for him to try to use a telescope himself.
- Thomas Edison, who bordered on being totally deaf, do not think of the phonograph in terms of music and entertainment. He was interested in the business and educational potential of the invention.
- Henry Ford in 1921 proposed that milk be made synthetically. His disregard for dairy cows as being inefficient and unsanitary stemmed from unpleasant experiences on his father’s farm. Milking had been an exasperating and disagreeable labor.
- Charles Dickens believed that a good night’s sleep was possible only if the bed was aligned from north to south. In this manner, he thought, the magnetic currents of the earth would flow straight through the resting body.
- Geniuses require powers of concentration. But even that can be carried too far. In 1807, the mathematician Johann Karl Frederich Gaus was caught up in a problem while his wife lay sick upstairs. When the doctor told him his wife was dying, Gaus waved him away and never looking up from his problem, muttered, “Tell her to wait a moment till I’m through.”
- Louis Pasteur, whose work on wine, vinegar, and beer led to pasteurization, had an excessive fear of dirt and infection. He refused to shake hands, and he carefully whipped his plate and glass before dining.
- Sigmund Freud never learned to read a railway timetable. It was necessary that he be accompanied on any journey.
BEING A GENIUS IS NO BARGIN
After the last few years, I’ve become something of an expert on the human body and all of its frailties. It’s not something I ever wanted to know but when you’re put in a position where you have no choice, you learn. I thought I’d pass along a short list of interesting items about the human body that might help you learn some things you didn’t know. Let’s see . . .
- The longest hiccupping attack lasted 65 years; the longest sneezing fit lasted 978 days; and the longest yawning ordeal lasted for five weeks.
- The average human body has 14 to 18 square feet of skin.
- The average human head contains approximately 100,000 hairs.
- Assuming that the heart beats at least once a second, by the time a person is 70, his or her heart will have beat at least 2.8 billion times.
- Approximately 200,000,000 to 300,000,000 sperm cells are contained in a single human ejaculation.
- Every human being will drink approximately 16,000 gallons of water in their lifetime.
- It takes 17 muscles to smile and 43 to frown.
- A human being will lose 1/2 to 3/4 of the bodies heat by not covering the head in cold weather.
- The hyoid bone resides by itself in the throat, and it supports the tongue and its muscles. It is the only bone in the body that does not connect with another bone.
- Whether the person is male or female, the number of hairs lost in a given day is approximately 25-225 hairs.
And for my final entry I’ll explain how religion manages to involve itself in virtually everything. We’ve all heard during our lives about the “Adam’s Apple”. It refers to a religious legend that claims a piece of the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden was stuck in Adam’s throat. My only question is why Eve didn’t never had one.
I WONDER IF ADAM EVER HAD AN “EVE APPLE“
Here’s a collection of facts concerning some of the history of the battle for women’s rights. Some good ones, some bad ones, but all are certainly interesting.
- Epicurus (341-241 BC), to whom good and pleasure were synonymous, was the first important philosopher to accept women as students.
- In 17th and 18th century America, women were employed in all of the same occupations that men worked, and men and women earned equal pay. A female blacksmith charged the same as a man to shoe a horse. Women sextons and printers were paid at the same rate as men. Women were also silversmiths, gunsmiths, shipwrights, and undertakers.
- The first woman governor in U.S. history was Mrs. Nelly Taylor Ross. She was elected governor of Wyoming in 1925.
- $10,000 was offered by Marion Hovey, of Boston, to the Harvard Medical School, to be used to educate women on equal terms with men. A committee approved the proposal, but the Hovey offer was rejected by the board of overseers. The year was 1878.
- Though she was a Nobel Prize winner (and soon would become the first person to win two), Marie Curie (1867-1934) was denied membership in the august French Academy simply because she was a woman.
- A woman agreed in 1952 to play in organized baseball, with the Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, Senators of the Interstate League. However, minor league commissioner George Trautman, with the support of major league baseball commissioner Ford Frick, unilaterally voided Mrs. Eleanor Angles contract.
- During the American Revolution, many brides did not wear white wedding gowns; instead, they wore red as a symbol of the rebellion.
- She was 87 years old when she became the first woman U.S. Senator, and she served for only one day, November 21, 1922. Rebecca Lattimer Felton, a Democrat and the widow of a Georgia representative who had opposed reactionary machine politics, had long worked for women’s suffrage, which became national law in 1920. She was appointed for a day to the Senate in a token gesture by the governor of Georgia, who had opposed the suffrage movement. “The word ‘sex’ has been obliterated from the Constitution,” Mrs. Felton said on excepting her appointment. There are now no limitations upon the ambitions of women.
- There are 15 nations that had given women the right to vote before the U.S. did in 1920. The earliest were New Zealand, in 1893, Australia, in 1902, and Finland, in 1906.
- Abigail Adams wrote to her husband, John, in 1776: “If particular care and attention is not paid to the ladies, we are determined to foment a rebellion, and will not hold ourselves bound by any laws in which we have no voice or representation.”
ONE IS NOT BORN A WOMAN, ONE BECOMES ONE
How old are you? It’s a valid question that most people ask about a stranger when discussing them with a third-party, “He’s about 20 years old.”. People who are in their 20’s think people in their 30’s are old while people in their 30’s think people in their 50’s are old. It’s all relative and silly but we do it all the time without really thinking about it. In my case I think anyone younger than 60 is just a stupid kid and that should show you how really stupid it is to judge a person by their age. Today’s post is going to list some interesting accomplishments by the age of the person doing them. Using age as way to judge someone is just ridiculous as these examples will show you.
At the Age of 1
Mary, of the House of Stewart, became Queen of Scotland.
Brooke Shields was selected as the Ivory Snow baby.
At the Age of 2
Judy Garland launches her stage career.
Isabella II ascends to the Spanish throne.
At the Age of 3
Albert Einstein speaks for the first time.
Alice Liddell first meets Charles Dodgson (pen name of Lewis Carol) who later used her as inspiration to write Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland.
At the Age of 4
Malcolm Little (who later changed his name to Malcolm X) watches as his family’s home was burned to the ground by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Bob Hope emigrates from England to the United States
At the Age of 5
Devora Wilson, Mountain climber, scales a 4000-foot peak.
Christopher Robin Milne hears the first “Winnie the Pooh” story, with himself as the main character, made up by his father, A. A.
At the Age of 6
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart gives keyboard concerts across Europe.
Shirley Temple receives an honorary Oscar for her contribution to film.
Ron Howard stars as Opie in TV’s, The Andy Griffith Show.
At the Age of 7
Helen Keller, blind and deaf, master’s a vocabulary of 625 words.
Carol Brown, who travels more than an hour daily to attend a distant school because as a black she is denied admission to the local all-white school, motivates her father to file a lawsuit, resulting in the landmark Brown V. Board of Education Supreme Court decision which finds public-school segregation to be unconstitutional.
😉😉😉
My Credentials
Age 1 – Flung my full diaper at my mother.
Age 2 – Spoke my first word (Shit!)
Age 3 – Drew my first tree.
Age 4 – Threw up on my sister.
Age 5 – Drank my first drink of alcohol (bottle of perfume)
Age 6 – Ran away from school (police found me later)
MY PARENTS WERE SOOOO PROUD
If you’ve read this blog at all you know I consistently use famous quotations from famous people to help make a point. Over the years having all of those quotes available has made my life much easier. Not all quotes are complementary, and I found almost as many nasty and mean quotes as good ones. Here are some quotes that some people probably wish they hadn’t made. You be the judge…
“Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.” Bill Vaughn
“You have set up in New York Harbor a monstrous idol which you call Liberty. The only thing that remains to complete the monument is to put on its pedestal the inscription written by Dante on the gates of Hell: “All hope abandon, ye who enter here.” George Bernard Shaw
“St. Laurent has excellent taste. The more he copies me, the better taste he displays.” Coco Chanel
“Everyone wants to understand painting. Why don’t they try to understand the singing of the birds? People love the night, a flower, everything which surrounds them without trying to understand. But painting – that they must understand.” Pablo Picasso
“There are moments when art attains almost the dignity of manual labor.” Oscar Wilde
This next section concerns a prolific contributor to every subject imaginable: Anonymous. I truly enjoy these mean and nasty unidentified criticizers.
“Critics are the stupid who discuss the wise.”
“An architect is two percent gentleman and ninety-eight percent renegade car salesman.”
“The Eiffel Tower in Paris is the Empire State Building after taxes.”
“A modern artist is one who throws paint on a canvas, wipes it off with a cloth, and sells the cloth.”
“They couldn’t find the artist, so they hung the picture.”
“Poetry is living proof that rhyme doesn’t pay.”
“Dancing is the perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.”
LIFE SUCKS AND THEN YOU DIE
(ANONYMOUS)
I’m about to do something I promised myself I wouldn’t ever do. Today I’m going to post three truly lewd and disgusting limericks. This is to appease a small number of readers who’ve been begging and bugging me for months to print some filth. It’s not something I want to do but I will do it albeit with a slight twist. As you read these three limericks you may notice a large number of asterisks. It’s part of the twist for you to determine the missing letters. That’s the best I can do for all you pervs out there, so enjoy.
☘️☘️☘️
There was an old man of Corfu
Who fed on c**t-juice and s**w.
When he couldn’t get that,
He ate what he shat –
And bloody good s**t he shat, too.
🌶️🌶️🌶️
There was a young man of Glengarridge,
The fruit of a scrofulous marriage.
He s***ed off his brother
And b***ed his mother,
And ate up his sister’s mis****iage.
☘️☘️☘️
Said an elderly whore named Arlene,
“I prefer a young lad of eighteen.
There’s more cr**m in his larder,
And his p**ker gets h***der,
And he f**ks in a manner obscene.”
💩💩💩
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