Well, as I said in the past so many times it’s a gray and rainy and crappy day here in Maine. The state is overrun with tourists from Canada and from Massachusetts zero making any kind of trip even to just shop is a pain. Least touristy summer days totally destroy what sense of humor I normally have, and I need something to make me smile at least. So, with that in mind about some jokes.
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The terrible tempered Mr. Anderson, having missed an easy putt, shouted, “Oh Fuck!” A young lady in the party said, “You needn’t use such vile language. “Anderson stared at her angrily and said, “Oh, come on. I’m sure you’ve heard that word many times before. “I have, said the young lady, but never in anger.”
A woman who was having a one-night stand with the man she had casually picked up said rather contemptuously, “You have a very small organ.” To which the man immediately replied, “It merely seems small because it has been asked to play in a cathedral.”
A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus. “It’s a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway”, he said. “Actually,” said his guide, it’s named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation.” The visitor was astonished. “Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?” “Yes, indeed,” said his guide. “He wrote a check.”
“Worry is the first time you find you can’t do it the second time; panic is the second time you find you can’t do it the first time.”
There was a young woman named Sally
Who loved an occasional dally.
She sat on the lap
of a well-endowed chap,
And said, “Ooh, you’re right up my alley.”
A woman said proudly, “Before I married my husband, I told him quite frankly of the various different love affairs I had had. I did not want to marry under false pretenses. “What honesty,” said one of those who was listening to her. “And what courage,” said another. “And what a memory,” said a third.
As you should be aware I have quite the collection of weird facts I’ve collected over many years and from many sources. As I was cleaning up my old desk top computer yesterday, I found this list of strange and odd facts that hasn’t seen the light of day since 2006. So, let’s take a walk down a very old memory lane.
A Crocodiles tongue is attached to the roof of its mouth.
A group of larks is called an exaltation.
A kangaroo can’t jump unless its tail is touching the ground.
A male emperor moth can smell a female emperor moth up to 7 miles away.
A man had the hiccups for 69 years.
A mole can dig over 250 feet of tunnel in a single night.
A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana.
A noisy restaurant is 100,000 times as loud as a watch ticking, a rock Concert is 1,000,000,000 times as loud. and a shotgun blast 1,000,000,000,000 times as loud.
A person at rest generates as much heat as a 100watt light bulb.
A group of owls is called a parliament.
About 300 million cells die in your body every minute.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
A quarter has 119 grooves on its edge, a dime has one less groove.
A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
A shark can detect one part of blood in 100 million parts of water.
A group of ravens is called a murder.
A shark can grow a new set of teeth in a week
A snail can have about 25,000 teeth.
A group of toads is called a knot.
About 3,500 gallons if water is needed to produce one pound of beef.
Here I sit poolside watching my two grandsons beating my better-half in a mean and nasty game of Triple War. Losing to an eleven and eight-year-old is kind of embarrassing and I gladly told her so. Warm day, great barbecue, new puppy, cool pool, board games, and family. It doesn’t get much better for a hot August day. The sun is broiling my bald head but I’m not complaining. All too soon we’ll be shoveling that white stuff once again and I can continue complaining even more then. But for today I thought I’d offer a couple of tongue twisting limericks to challenge you.
This is my first Tibetan limerick . . .
A Tibetan made a bet on his toboggan
That his toboggan could get down the hill hot-doggin.
The Tibetan got to bettin’,
But while bettin’ kept forgettin’,
It was August, so he landed on his noggin.
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A reckless rough roofer, Ralph Rufus,
Was a ruthless fool know as a doofus,
When Rufus roofed on a roof,
No roof was found to be Ralph-proof,
Roofing roofers felt Rufus a complete and total goofus.
I’ve had the pleasure and misfortune to have spent nearly twenty years working in and with the criminal justice organizations in Pennsylvania, Massachusetts, and Maine. I always thought the system had its flaws, how could it not? Your days are filled with an endless supply of criminals and an endless supply of criminal attorneys. Yikes!! I always laughed when I heard some of the older police and judges say Criminal Justice was the ultimate oxymoron. I’ve since discovered they weren’t kidding. The information in today’s post was taken from the annals of numerous courts and are true. You may find them hard to believe but they are. There are a million stories in the naked city and most of them are directly related to the Criminal Justice system. When in doubt plead total ignorance.
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Attorney: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim’s vagina show?
Witness: There were traces of semen.
Attorney: Male semen?
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Attorney: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Attorney: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Attorney: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
Witness: No.
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Attorney: What is your date of birth?
Witness: July fifteenth.
Attorney: What year?
Witness: Every year.
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Attorney: So, the date of your baby’s conception was August 8th?
The mistaken use of a word in place of a similar sounding one, often with unintentionally
amusing effect, as in, for example, “dance a flamingo” (instead of flamenco).
Today’s posting will be a shout out to all of those educators that spend so much of their time attempting to teach our younger generations anything. It’s a difficult job on the good days and it’s even worse on the bad days. I thought I’d list a selection of what are called malaprops taken from actual test papers and essays from some grade schoolers, high schoolers, and selected college examinations. These are things of beauty.
Women like to do things in circles, where they sew, talk, and do their meddling.
“Don’t” is a contraption.
Italics are what Italians write in.
The government of Athens was Democratic because the people took the law into their own hands.
Antarctica is like the regular Arctic, but ritzier.
He worked in the government as a civil serpent.
You purify water by filtering it and then forcing it through an aviator.
The doctor felt the man’s purse and said there was no hope.
The government of England is a limited mockery.
The first book of the Bible is a book of Guinness’s.
He was an American writer and professor of biochemistry at Boston University. A prolific writer, he wrote or edited more than 500 books. He also wrote an estimated 90,000 letters and postcards. Best known for his hard science fiction, Asimov also wrote mysteries and fantasy, as well as a great deal of non-fiction.
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I’ve been a fan of Isaac Asimov, for as long as I can remember. I’ve tried to read everything of his that I could find and have never regretted it. He’s one of the most prolific writers who’ve ever lived and is well-versed in virtually any topic someone would like to talk about. Over the years I’ve also discovered that he was one of the funniest writers as well and has written books of limericks and stories that were outrageously funny. I recently acquired a book of his from 1992 (the year of his death) titled Azimov Laughs Again. It’s a volume of funny stories from his life as well as some of his favorite jokes and limericks. Here are a couple jokes to help get your day started.
Mr. Ginsberg, age 83, went to the doctor for a complete examination head to toe. About halfway through, the doctor was called to the telephone. He said, “Mr. Ginsberg, this will not take more than a few minutes. Here’s a jar. While I am gone, go to the bathroom and place a semen sample in it for examination. Then we’ll continue. “A few minutes later, the doctor indeed returned, and there stood Mr. Ginsberg with the jar- totally empty. “Doctor,” said Mr. Ginsberg. “I did my best. I tried with my right hand, and I tried with my left hand. I even tried with both hands, but nothing happened. The doctor said soothingly, “Now, Mr. Ginsberg, don’t feel embarrassed. At the age of 83, it is quite common to be impotent.” Whereupon Ginsberg said, with towering indignation, “What do you mean, impotent? I couldn’t open the jar.”
Old Mr. Anderson and his equally aged wife were filing for divorce. The judge, eyeing them with astonishment, said, “How old are you, Mr. Anderson?” “Ninety-three”, Your Honor. “And your wife?” “Ninety-one”, Your Honor.” “And how long have you been married?” “Sixty-six years.” “Then why do you want to get a divorce now?” “Well, you know how it is, Your Honor.” We were waiting for the children to die.”
He has an interesting sense of humor and I freaking love it. Here’s a small add-on which is one of his favorite limericks.
I think it’s likely that some of you may have gotten the wrong idea with the title I used for this post. Twisted in this context does not mean heavily sexual or bawdy. These limericks are written specifically for children, and they are a cross between limericks & tongue twisters. As a kid I loved tongue twisters and at a very early age whilst sitting through a number of sessions to correct a minor lisp I had, tongue twisters were one of the exercises that we were permitted to do to help us get control of our speech patterns. I know it sounds stupid, but it was even more stupid when you’re the one who was required to do it. Enjoy!
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She saw a seesaw at sea,
A shawl she was wearing, was she,
The sea shrank her shawl,
Till it shrank her shawl small,
To the seesaw she saw she said “Gee!”
😁😁😁
Louise is pleased by cheesy chicken squeezed with cheesy cheese,
Squeezy peasy chicken cheesy served to please Louise,
“To other chicken, phooey!
Even Chinese chicken suey,
More squeezy greasy peasy cheesy chicken, if you please!”
😋😋😋
Hannah from Havana grew bananas in Savanna,
A bonanza of bananas that had grown in her bandanna,
I’m not entirely sure why being “first” is so important to so many of us. Everyone wants to be “first” not just in sporting events, but damn near everything. I was the “first” kid in my family to go to college, and it gave my parents something they used to impress their friends. I was also the “first” in the family to drop out of college and join the Army. I sure didn’t get any kudos for that move. Today I decided to research some “firsts” not just from the United States but worldwide. This is also the “first” time I’ve written about “firsts” on this blog. Let me be the “first” to congratulate myself for that.
Barbra Streisand’s first performance was as a chocolate chip cookie.
The first song Bruce Springsteen ever learned to play on the guitar was The Rolling Stones, “It’s All Over Now.”
The first ready to eat breakfast cereal was Shredded Wheat in 1893 (it beat Kellogg’s Corn Flakes by just five years).
The first scientifically planned slimming diet was devised in 1862 by Dr. Harvey, an ear specialist, for an overweight undertaker. At that time dieting was initially something that only men did, and women didn’t start to do it until they stopped wearing figure-altering corsets.
The first dry cleaning was done in 1849 by a Monsieur Jolly-Bellin of France, who discovered the process by mistake when he upset a lamp over a newly laundered tablecloth and found that the part that was covered with alcohol from the lamp was cleaner than the rest.
Peter Sellers was the first male to ever be featured on the cover of Playboy.
Cuba Gooding Jr’s first job was as a dancer for Lionel Richie at the 1984 Los Angeles Olympics.
The world’s first traffic island was installed – at his own expense – by Colonel Pierrepoint outside his London club. It’s also ironic that he was later killed crossing over to it.
Courtney Cox was the first person on U.S. TV ever to use the word period in an ad for Tampax.
Gustav Mahler composed his first piece of music at the age of four, Sergei Prokofiev composed his first piece of music at age five, and Wolfgang Mozart was just eight when he composed his first symphony.
I was recently watching an English comedian who had me laughing until I cried. His whole shtick was pointing out how badly people misinterpret lyrics in songs. It was truly ingenious, and I thought today I would pass along a few of those samples to help you to determine how badly you’ve been hearing them. The highlighted quotes are the incorrect lyrics most commonly misheard followed by the performer and the album or song. It’s all just fun and games so enjoy.
“Sleep in heavenly peas.” The Christmas Carol, Silent Night.
“There’s a bathroom on the right.” Creedence Clearwater Revival, Bad Moon Rising
“Excuse me while I kiss this guy.” Jimi Hendrix, Purple Haze
“Dead ants are my friends, they’re blowing in the wind.” Bob Dylan, Blowing in the Wind
“Donuts make my Brown eyes blue.” Crystal Gale, Don’t It Make My Brown Eyes Blue
“Midnight after your wasted.” Maria Muldaur, Midnight at the Oasis
“She’s got a chicken to ride.” The Beatles, Ticket to Ride
“You and me and Leslie.” The Rascals, Groovin’
“Baking carrot biscuits.” Bachman-Turner Overdrive, Taking Care of Business
“Just brush my teeth before you leave me.” Juice Newton, Angel of the Morning
