Archive for the ‘happy new year’ Tag
Well, it’s New Years Eve once again. This was a fun holiday when I was in my teens and twenties but these days not so much. I never really understood what the big deal was and still don’t. It’s just a day and night made for drinking, carousing, and avoiding sobriety check points. I hope none of you become victims of that stupidity and cause an accident that may harm yourself and others by drinking and driving. In my years as a police officer, I made a point of not working on this holiday. I took the day off and then occasionally drank too much, caroused too much, and got really stupid. I managed to survive but only just.
This year I’m housebound and safe from the fits of holiday stupidity. Please be safe . . . and not too stupid. I wouldn’t want to be reading about any of you on “the day after”. Let me bring a few smiles to your lips before you decide to begin your celebration by taking a little trip to the 1980’s for some occasionally rude and hilarious humor.
- If the shrimps come in on a shrimp boat, how do the crabs come in? On the captain’s dinghy.
- Why did Miss Piggy miss her last concert? She had a frog in her throat.
- What happens when you moon in bumper-to-bumper traffic? You wind up with your ass in a jam.
- What’s the difference between a counterfeit dollar bill and a skinny girl? The counterfeit bill is a phony buck.
- What’s the definition of a real lady? Someone who doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink, and only curses if it slips out.
- Why did they name the new feminine hygiene spray SSY? Because it takes the PU out of pussy.
- What happens when a guaranteed condom breaks? The guarantee runs out.
- What’s 138? Dinner for four.
- When do you know you’ve had the world’s best head? You have to pull the sheet out of your ass.
- What’s the difference between frustration and panic? Frustration is the first time you find out you can’t do it the second time, and panic is the second time you found out you couldn’t do it the first time.
BE CAREFUL OUT THERE
“Resolution in a bad cause is called stubbornness; stubbornness in a good cause is called resolution.”
Anonymous
Well, here I quietly sit trying to decompress from another Christmas season. I just completed my two and a half months’ worth of humor primarily to see if the response to the humor posts was as good or equal to my standard blogging techniques. The increase was minor which tells me many things but that will have to wait for another day. Just so you know, it would probably bore you to tears.
My plan going forward for 2024 is to do a few weeks of poetry. Some of you will enjoy that thoroughly and others will say “what the hell are you doing?” I get that poetry is not something everyone likes, and I understand that completely. I’ve tried to read as much poetry as I could over the years and truthfully the great majority of it was disappointing. It’s not that poetry isn’t interesting; it just wasn’t interesting to me. I’ve come to realize that my favorite poems are short, sweet, and something that forces the reader to use their imagination. That eventually led me to haikus. For me to enjoy poetry it has to be less than three stanzas long. Even that’s a little much for me that’s why I find haiku’s so interesting. So, I suppose January is going to consist of short and meaningful poetry taken from many famous poets, some of my own, and some of yours if you choose to offer it up to be posted. I’ll also throw in a host of limericks of all flavors just for fun. I hope you’ll enjoy what I’m trying to do here, maybe you will and maybe you won’t.
But before we start January, I need to deal with some other business relating to 2024. That is my New Year’s resolutions. In the past I’ve usually listed ten and completed at most six or seven. I try to make them humorous because most people don’t take them all that serious anyway. This year I’ll list just five, maybe that will motivate me to complete a higher percentage. Here they are:
READ MORE THAN 100 BOOKS
TRY TO BE A LITTLE FRIENDLIER TOWARDS THE REST OF THE WORLD
KEEP DUNKIN’ EXPENDITURES TO LESS THAN $40.00 A MONTH
COMPLETE EIGHT PAINTINGS OR PRINTS
LEARN AT LEAST FOUR NEW CUSS WORDS FROM MY GRANDSONS
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“Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve.”
Ben Franklin
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There you have it. Maybe I’ll accomplish them all for a change (chances are slim and none) but I’ll keep trying. It’s always fun to look back at previous years to confirm just how bad you are about being successful.
HAPPY NEW YEAR
These are the normal lame and politically correct ones. Let’s get real for a change!!
I post my resolutions almost every year and I have yet to complete them all. Once again, I’ll post my top ten and just hope for the best like always. Well here goes nothing one more time.
- Read 8.33 books a month (That’s 100 books for all of you math majors).
- Keep the number of F-Bombs to less than a hundred a week. (I’m dreaming on this one.)
- Spend less than $50.00 a week on Dunkin Coffee. (That’s just for my better-half. They’re too expensive for me.)
- Drink less than last year but more next year. (I’m dreaming!)
- Visit only the classiest porn sites. (No more than 10 per week unless provoked)
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- No naked dancing near the picture window in the living room. (We have nervous neighbors!)
- Try not to argue with my better-half too much. (The operative word here is to try.)
- Teach the grandsons no more than five new swear words. (And maybe learn one or two new ones from them.)
- Try to be more polite to all of the doctors that have been manhandling me for years.
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There are my ten candidates for 2023. I’ll be certain to post a midyear review in June.
HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL
Drive Safe
It’s time for me to switch from my Christmas preparations since it’s almost here, to my annual prep for New Year’s. Since I’m planning to abandon the blog for a few days over each holiday, (24-26 Dec & 31-02 Jan), I thought getting my New Year’s resolutions posted early made a lot of sense. I enjoy making them every year but almost never live up to my own expectations. The important thing is to keep trying. There’s the challenge for you.
“New Year’s Day now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.” —Mark Twain
- Read a minimum of 50 books this year.
- Spend more quality time with the grandchildren.
- For the third year in a row (failed three times), I won’t walk naked near the front picture window. It freaks out the bicyclists, joggers and neighbors.
- Drink less than last year but more than next year.
- Complete the Recipe/Photo book I’ve been working on for years.
“An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.” —Bill Vaughn
- Keep the F-bombs to less than ten per day.
- Spend less than $50.00 a month at Dunkin Donuts.
- Lose 20 pounds of ugly fat.
- Complete at least five new paintings.
- Be a kinder and gentler pet owner. The cat requested this one.
“New Year’s Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.” —James Agate
Those are my ten official resolutions for 2022. Although as I was surfing the net earlier today, I discovered two more which I’m unofficially adding to my list.
11. I will not act my age.
12. I will not sit in my living room all day in my pajamas. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.
“I’m a little bit older, a little bit wiser, a little bit rounder, but still none the wiser.” —Robert Paul
WISH ME LUCK
2 SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
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