Archive for the ‘Humor’ Tag
I’ve been a lover of baseball since the age of six. I’ve played in the LL Minor Leagues, LL Major Leagues, Pony League, Senior Little League, High School (4 years), and American Legion ball. I figure that gives me the right to have a little fun at the expense of some of my favorite players. I remain respectful of these men, but I still think some of the things they say in front of the microphone are hysterically funny. Here are a few . . .
- “Any pitcher who throws at a batter and deliberately tries to hit him is a Communist” Alvin Dark, NY Giant infielder.
- “If Jesus were on the field, he’d be pitching inside and breaking up double plays. He’d be high-fiving the other guys.” Tim Burke, Montreal Expos pitcher.
- “I am throwing twice as hard as I ever did. It’s just not getting there as fast.” Lefty Gomez, NY Yankee pitcher.
- “I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf.” Tug Mcgraw, NL pitcher, when asked whether he preferred grass or Astroturf.
- “The doctors x-rayed by head and found nothing.” Dizzy Dean, NL pitcher, after being beaned in the 1934 World Series.
- “I was the worst hitter ever. I never even broke a bat until last year when I was backing out of the garage.” Left Gomez, NY Yankee pitcher.
- “Well, that kind of puts a damper on even a Yankee win.” Phil Rizzuto, Yankee broadcaster, upon hearing that Pope Paul had died.
- “His (Dwight Gooden’s) reputation preceded him before he got here.” Don Mattingly, NY Yankee infielder.
- “It would take some of the lust off the All-Star game.” Pete Rose, REDS infielder when asked about inter-league play.
- “I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me.” Andre Dawson, Cubs outfielder on being a role model.
No, I haven’t forgotten about quotes and sayings by Yogi Berra. I would have to write a short novel to include all of his silliness. I’ll post something on Yogi eventually but it’s hard to choose just ten out of the hundreds available. LOL
PLAY BALL!!!
I know I’ve been promising a post of really extreme limericks. I’ve hesitated because of the kids who might read this blog when their parents aren’t paying attention. Some limericks are written just for kids, funny ones for everyone, suggestive ones for others, and then comes the dirty, naughty, extra naughty, and last but not least the downright filthy. I’ve been taking this process slowly until I can find a way to post the really filthy ones but until then I’ll give you a few naughty ones to wet your limerick whistles.
😏😏😏
There was a young man from Dumfries
Who said to his girl “please,
It would give me great bliss
If, while playing with this,
You would pay some attention to these.
😜😜😜
An old archaeologist, Throstle,
Discovered a marvelous fossil.
He knew from its bend
And the knob at the end,
T’was the peter of Paul the Apostle.
🤩🤩🤩
There was a young fellow named Menzies
Whose kissing sent girls into frenzies.
But a virgin, one night,
Crossed her legs in a fright,
And fractured his bi-focal lenzies.
🤣🤣🤣
A gay man who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room.
They argued a lot
About who should do what,
And quite how and with what and to whom.
HAVE A GREAT WEEK
I love the English language. There are so many strange and interesting euphemisms that I could spend the rest of my life searching through. I recently stumbled onto a list of 228 euphemisms for sexual intercourse. Of course, I won’t be listing them all but here are ten you might find interesting or humorous.
- Play Pickle-me, Tickle-me
- Pray With the Knees Upward
- Trade a Bit of Hard for a Bit of Soft
And last but not least, here are ten euphemisms for sexual arousal: To Be Hot in the Biscuit, To Be Dripping for It, To Be Rooty, To Be in Season, To Be Constitutionally Inclined to Gallantry, To Have Peas in the Pot, To Be Hunky, To Be Affy, To Be Mashed, and finally To Be Primed.
WELCOME TO THE SEXUAL SIDE OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE
How about I just throw a little of everything your way on this fine Friday morning. I’ll start with a few apparently unedited newspaper headlines. I certainly hope the editors that approved these don’t get paid too much.
War Dims Hope for Peace
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges!
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Next on my list for today are a few retro bumper stickers. They seem to make more sense than these headlines did.
I Don’t Break for Pedestrians
Learn From Your Parents Mistakes-Use Birth Control
I’m Not a Complete Idiot-Some Parts are Missing
He Who Laughs Last Thinks Slowest
See, I told you they were better than the headlines. And last but not least, a quote you should be glad you didn’t make. I’m not a fan of either Nancy Pelosi or Barabara Boxer but the award for the stupidest quote goes to Barabara. She won by a nose.
“Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, “Thank God I’m still alive.” But of course, those who died – their lives will never be the same again.”
CALIFORNIA IS SO PROUD
- The Connecticut Court of Appeals upheld the kidnapping-robbery convictions of Michael Carter, thus rejecting his claim that witnesses’ identification of him should have been suppressed at his trial. At the time of arrest, according to New Haven police officer Dario Aponte, Carter had proclaimed his innocence but resisted being returned to the scene of the crime so witnesses could see him, asking Aponte, “How can they identify me? I had a mask on.”
- David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I, after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind.
- Clever drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering El Paso from Mexico. They rigged it so propane gas would be released from all of its valves while the truck also concealed 6,240 pounds of marijuana. They were clever, but not bright. They misspelled the name of the gas company on the side of the truck.
- The judge rose from the bench. “Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court,” he smiled with delight. “Now sit down at that table and write ‘I will not pass through a red light’ five hundred times.”
- A judge in Louisville decided a jury went “a little bit too far” in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who was convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge reduced the sentence to 1,001 years.
We should all thank these geniuses for helping to make law enforcement easier.
YOU CAN’T FIX STUPID
I’m still contemplating whether to post those extremely lewd limericks I’ve been talking about for weeks. At some point I’ll be forced into a decision but not just yet. How about a few that aren’t quite as disturbing. Here are a few prizewinners about virgins.
There was a young virgin named Alice
Who thought of her puss as a chalice.
One night, sleeping nude,
She awoke feeling lewd,
And found in her chalice a phallus.
😏😏😏
A lisping young lady named Beth
Was saved from a fate worse than death.
Seven times in a row,
Which unsettled her so
That she quit saying “No” and said “Yeth”.
😜😜😜
There was a young fellow named Biddle
Whose girl had to teach him to fiddle.
She grabbed hold of his bow
And said, “If you want to know,
You can try parting my hair in the middle.”
🤣🤣🤣
A girl named Alice, in Dallas,
Had never felt of the phallus.
She remained virgo intacto,
Because, ipso facto,
No phallus in Dallas fit Alice.
😘😘😘
That should keep you limerick lovers calm for a while until I make my final decision. I’ll probably have to come up with some kind of a warning paragraph with flashing lights to ensure no children read the wrong limericks. I’m still working on that and trying to keep my better-half from kicking my ass. She’s a bit of a prude.
THIS IS A GOOD WAY TO START YOUR DAY
I thought I’d regale you with more of that useless information I continue to collect. Since everyone seems to be so fascinated by Craigs List ads and personal ads on those numerous dating sights, I thought today would be a good day for me to jump into that end of the pool. Here is a collection of classified ads that are strange, odd, misprinted, and really funny. Would you be the person to respond to ads like this? I’ll bet you would.
- “Wanted: Man, to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.”
- “Our experienced mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.”
- “Wanted: Widower with school-aged children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to the growth of the family.”
- “One man, seven-woman hot tub – $850/Offer.”
- “Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.”
- Free: One can of pork & beans with the purchase of a three bedroom, two bath home.”
- “Full-sized mattress: 20-year warranty, like new, slight urine smell.”
- “Nice parachute – never opened – used only once – slightly stained.”
- Found: Dirty white dog . . . looks like a rat . . . been out a while . . . better be a reward.”
- For sale: An antique desk suitable for a lady with thick legs and large drawers.”
It seems to me after reading all of these ads they’re no worse than those approved and published by numerous stupid newspaper editors across the country.
ONLY THEIR SPELLCHECKER SEEMS TO WORK
In the past few weeks, I’ve posted limericks written by children, limericks written for children, and a selection of bawdy and crude limericks for the adults. Today I’m posting limericks that are just silly, cute and funny. Readable by all, kids and grownups alike. Enjoy!
There was a young lady of Kent
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
One day, I suppose,
She followed her nose,
For no one knew which way she went.
🤪🤪🤪
A tutor who tooted the flute
Tried to tutor two tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
“Is it harder to toot or
To tutor two tooters to toot?”
😎😎😎
A cannibal living in France
Ate an uncle and two of his aunts,
A cow and her calf,
An ox and a half,
And now he can’t button his pants.
😜😜😜
A careless zookeeper named Blake
Fell into a tropical lake.
Said a fat alligator
A few minutes later,
“Not bad, but I still prefer steak.”
HAVE A SILLY WEEK
There are many things I really love but in particular two should be mentioned. The first is sarcasm and without it I’d be an empty shell of a man. The second thing I love is a person. I’ve been a huge fan of Samuel L. Clemens or as he’s better-known, Mark Twain, since I learned how to read his writings. He was the master of using humor and sarcasm to explain his feelings about almost everything. What follows is his famous War-Prayer. If I had my way this prayer would be posted in every government building on the planet, especially in Russia, and be mandatory reading for any person seeking or holding an advanced military rank. War is truly hell.
Samuel Langhorne Clemens (November 30, 1835 – April 21, 1910), was an American writer, humorist, entrepreneur, publisher, and lecturer. He was lauded as the “greatest humorist the United States has produced”.
The War Prayer
“O Lord our Father, our young patriots, idols of our hearts, go forth to battle — be Thou near them! With them — in spirit — we also go forth from the sweet peace of our beloved firesides to smite the foe. O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it — for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts.
AMEN
(Sarcasm Off)
A few days ago, I was digging around in the garage and going through some old boxes of what I thought were useless items. I came upon a book that was printed in 1985 which contained a host of one-liner raunchy jokes along with a few truly stupid riddles. Since a few of my family members continue to mumble and grumble about some of the so-called tasteless limericks I post, let’s see what they think about a few of these “oldies but goodies”.
- What happens if a guaranteed condom breaks? The guarantee runs out!
- How do dogs make love? Everybody nose!
- Why did they name the new feminine hygiene spray ” S.S.Y.”? Because it takes the “PU” out of pussy!
- Why did Donald Duck divorce Daisy? Her quack was too big!
- What’s better than watching a girl wrestle? Seeing her box!
- What’s a French chastity belt? A catcher’s mask!
- Who’s the world’s greatest athlete? A guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest!
- What’s the definition of a lady? Someone who doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink, and only curses when it slips out!
- Why did the Greek take his wife on his business trip? Because he couldn’t leave her behind alone!
- What’s the difference between a counterfeit dollar bill and a skinny girl? A counterfeit dollar bill is a phony buck!
Well, there you have ten of some of the worst jokes I’ve ever heard. Everybody’s always saying how much they loved the “good old days”, but not me. I think it’s time to take this book and put it back in the box in the garage and hopefully in ten more years maybe it will be funny, but I doubt it.
1981 Bumper Sticker
DID JOHN SMITH POCAHONTAS?
everyuselessthing.com 