Archive for May 2013
I started out today writing a post on political polling. Upon completion I reread it and found myself bored to actual tears. I may post it in the future but every time I write about politics or politicians I feel kinda dirty. Someday soon when I’m having one of those “I hate politicians” days I’ll post it. Today I feel like passing along a few more items of totally useless information to help make your lives richer and fuller. Here we go.
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Too much coffee can kill you. A lethal dose for an average adult is around 10 grams. That’s the equivalent of drinking between fifty and two hundred cups in rapid succession.
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Malaria mosquitos are attracted to ripe Limburger cheese and smelly feet.
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Members of the U.S. Congress are the highest paid legislators in the world.
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Toilet paper was invented by the Chinese. In 1391 they produced 720,000 sheets a year for exclusive use of the emperor. Each sheet measured 2 feet by three feet.
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Disney World in Orlando covers 30,400 acres or 46 square miles. That’s twice the size of Manhattan.
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A cockroaches brain is spread throughout it’s body., If you chop off the head, it can still live up to a week. It finally dies because it can’t eat.
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You can get cooties. Cooties are lice.
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Mosquito repellant does not repel mosquitos. It blocks their sensors so they don’t know your there.
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Poison ivy is a member of the cashew family of plants that supplies us with cashews and pistachio nuts.
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Charlie Chaplin once lost a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest. He didn’t even make it to the finals.
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Artists have more sexual partners.
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The Puritan’s bought beer to America.
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Antarctica is the only continent without owls.
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A ten gallon hat only holds three-quarters of a gallon.
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The first film version of Frankenstein was a fifteen minute silent produced by Thomas Edison.
Well there you have it. I saved you all from a boring political rant and offered up this collection of incredible information at the same time. We do live in miraculous times, don’t we? I’m out the door and on my way in five minutes so ending this right now is necessary. Consider it ended.
I’ve been very critical over the years with people spending their entire lives trying to become famous. That relentless search for their fifteen minutes of fame becomes an obsession and usually causes them more problems than actual fame in it’s pursuit. To our society becoming famous or even knowing someone famous is all that’s important.
Reality shows have given a great many people their fifteen minutes and in most cases we all regret it. The Jersey Shore, Swamp People, Teen Moms, just to mention a few. These people acquired fame and fortune for no apparent good reason. They’re just a by-product of our obsession with anything that can be sensationalized or celebrity related.
I’ve never been someone who searched out fame or notoriety but now I’m thinking I might have missed the boat. I decided to do a little research into how I could become famous. On a website I won’t mention I found this top ten list of things to do to become famous. I tried working my way through the list but I had many difficulties and it now appears that fame and fortune will continue to elude me. Here’s what I found.
Make a Sex Tape – I really gave this my best efforts but something seemed to be missing. Finding a partner to make the tape became the entire issue. Finally I discovered a local homeless women who would do anything for food. We made the tape and sent it out to the media. They all were returned unopened and the cost for my treatment of this STD was enormous.
Get Your Own Reality Show – I couldn’t find anyone interested in the life and times of a retiree. I was told to call them back if I ever fathered a child with anyone under the age of sixteen. I could then be a spin off of Teen Moms but only if I had an accompanying physical deformity.
Date Someone Famous – I wrote really intimate and interesting letters to my top twenty celebrities begging for some quality time and a few photo ops to get the attention of the paparazzi. I received back twenty attorney letters threatening protection orders if I didn’t desist.
Release a Pop Single – This may have been the worst day of my life. I discovered that my ability to RAP was limited and that most promoters thought I was way too old and way too white.
Go to Rehab - I checked myself into rehab. Rehab in Maine is inexpensive. My addiction to potato chips just wasn’t juicy enough to make the nightly news.
Claim to Be a Bisexual – I made this claim but for it to be taken seriously I needed a partner. I was turned down so many times I began to feel really bad about myself. I may be forced into therapy because my delicate ego was severely bruised.
Find Some Famous Friends – The only people I know who are famous are incarcerated in some of Maine’s finest jails. I interviewed thousands of criminals over the years and now they’re lining up to be my buddy.
Weight Loss – I’ve been trying to accomplish weight loss for years. It’s never worked very well before so I don’t anticipate it improving now. I was asked to leave the building at Jenny Craig because I just wasn’t famous enough or pretty enough to appear in their commercials. I wasn’t happy being slammed for my lack of fame but everyone knows I’m pretty enough.
Get or Remove a Tattoo – This was a total waste of my time. My better-half made it abundantly clear that no additional tattoo’s were permitted and we certainly weren’t going to spend our hard earned money to remove any.
Sell Your Wedding or Baby Pictures – I tried selling my pictures but I had no takers. Every media outlet returned them with some less than flattering comments. Even members of my own family sent them back with a "No Thanks" note attached.
I guess I’m screwed. No fame or fortune in my future. No photos with the Kardasian’s, no paparazzi chasing me around, no quality time with Lindsey Lohan or dates with her mother. My life sucks.
Today my better-half and I took a break from yard work, gardening, and working in general. It was a sunny and warm day so we decided to take a trip down memory lane. We made a nostalgic drive down to the southern border of Maine and retraced a route we used many years ago when we spent some weekends visiting yard sales and flea markets. The routes took us into New Hampshire a few times and back into Maine. The scenery was beautiful and with a little good music was really enjoyable.
When I first moved to the Maine and New Hampshire area in 1999 one of the first things I discovered was the incredible number of yard sales. On any Saturday afternoon if I so desired I could visit thirty to forty of them without driving more than a few miles from my home. I was a little hesitant going into people’s yards and garages but I finally got over that. I made so many incredible purchases in the first few months that I became hooked.
It wasn’t until a few years later that my better-half and I met and began our lives together. During all the billing and cooing and rush of a new relationship we started making yard sale safaris as one of our regular weekend activities. We developed specific routes in and around the border depending on what types of things we were searching for. We made many great purchases and had fun doing it.
We knew the best times to shop and the yard sales that always sold specific types of merchandise. We knew which yard sale always carried car accessories and auto parts, craft materials, collectibles and home goods. We knew if we visited the "Pig Lady" my better half could buy any number of pig related collectibles for her pig collection. We visited the "Bottle Guy" who was an old hoarder with three building full of antique glassware, old furniture, and just about anything else you could think of. He had forty years of treasures stuffed into some old and filthy buildings. We knew to wear gloves after our first visit there.
As we began our trek today we were reasonably sure that most of those old places had long since disappeared. We were wrong. Many of our old stops were still there doing business and hadn’t changed a bit. We searched through the "Bottle Guy’s" place for an hour and really found nothing we wanted or needed this trip. It was still fun to return to these places we visited for so many years and to reminisce a little.
We didn’t make many purchases today but that was okay. It was more about our time spent together and remembering the fun we had back in the day. We plan on doing this more often in the future so we can have more quality time together away from he normal madness. It’s an activity that clears the mind, reminds us again of how much fun we can have together, and finding an occasional treasure or two is just a “cherry on top of the sundae”.
We even managed to stop at a little corner store out in the middle of nowhere to enjoy a few pieces of chicken. This was a stop we never missed because the chicken was to die for.
It’s not unusual these days to hear people from other countries constantly complaining about America, Americans, and everything else American. We’re too loud, we’re too arrogant, we’re bullies, and on and on it goes. After continuously hearing all of that I then wonder why it is that so many of the same people from every nation on the planet would die to come here. Many hundreds of illegals have died in the deserts of northern Mexico just trying to cross the border to get here.
I always assume that money is the motivation for everything as well as political persecution but both of those things can be avoided by fleeing to many other countries besides the United States. Why then does everyone want to be here? As I lounged in my bed this morning a thought came to me that might explain it. As you know many countries have an odd assortment of traditions and customs that are truly weird and strange to us. I think many of our traditions are equally strange to them. They can’t seem to understand why we do certain things but they want to experience them with us. I’ve put together a list of ten things we Americans do that even I don’t understand. Lets take a look at them.
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Black Friday Shopping Sprees – My better-half and hundreds of thousands of others religiously participate in this insanity. I know that she and I will never spend Black Friday together unless I bow to this tradition.
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Presidential Turkey Pardons – This is so lame it’s embarrassing to admit that it’s true. Eat the freaking bird and be done with it. So freaking dumb!
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Gay Pride Parades - I can’t think of any reason why these are necessary at all. Maybe we need a Heterosexual Pride Parade every so often where we can get crazy and half-naked and make complete fools of ourselves. Oh wait, I forgot we have Spring Break for that.
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Tailgate Parties – This is just a further extension of the nations sports obsession. These get togethers continue to get more ridiculous every year but it’s something the Food channel can’t survive without.
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Cow Tipping – This is reported to be a true American tradition from the Midwestern part of the country. I’ve never seen it done nor have I ever participated in cow tipping. It’s just another reason to give the folks living in farm country a hard time. Funny but unverified.
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Punkin Chunkin – I’ve watched this on TV a few times but really didn’t think it was much of a tradition until two years ago. My better-half and I were riding around enjoying the pretty Fall colors when we came upon dozens of cars parked near a farmers field. People were standing around in groups watching some locals chunking pumpkins across the field. Every time one exploded everyone cheered. Why, I have no freaking idea.
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Watching Super Bowl Commercials – I have many more friends who watch the Super Bowl just for the commercials rather than the game itself. Go figure!
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Roadside Death Shrines - Over the years I’ve seen hundreds of these shrines built by friends and family of people killed in traffic accidents. Again, I don’t understand the need to build a shrine along some road. Some are really unbelievable. I saw one near my home that had it’s own decorated Christmas Tree.
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Sensationalism - Everything in this country is sensationalized. Crimes of the Century, Games of the Century, Storms of the Century, and anything else you can think of. If it isn’t the biggest and baddest in history it just isn’t worth mentioning. This is one tradition we could do without.
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Ground Hog Day Predictions - This is so stupid I really thought about not mentioning it at all. So consider it not mentioned.
Come one! Come all! All you crazy folks from around the globe. It’s taken America more than two hundred years but we finally developed and celebrate as many weird and stupid things as the people in your homeland do. You should fit right into this looney-bin we call America. So come on down.
After today I came to truly understand why I’d never have made a very good farmer. It’s one of the hardest working careers someone could possibly pursue. I was advised by my nursery owning friend that the final fear of frost had finally passed and now I’m free to begin planting my garden. I’ve been waiting patiently for this day for weeks which should explain just how stupid I can be.
While my garden is not a full fledged farm, it still requires a great deal of work and attention to be successful. My preparations for this summers garden started last Fall when I composted the entire garden. It’s continued until today with making the decisions on what will be grown, how much to plant, where to plant, and when to plant. I purchased the majority of the plants early but it was too cold to plant them. I’ve had them stored in a cold frame for almost two weeks until the fear of frost had passed.
I started my day today by planting kale, spinach, beets, kohlrabi, and a selection of new herbs. For the second year I’ve been forced to replace a number of herb plants that didn’t survive the winter. It’s frustrating as hell but it’s something I’ve learned to live with. I added thyme, lime basil, dill, cilantro, rosemary, and curry to the already existing plants. The herb garden is now complete for this year and I hope I can harvest enough this Fall to get us through next winter.
After having a quick lunch I began planting the remaining plants I’ve been nursing along for all these weeks. I planted my zucchini, yellow squash, and pickling cucumbers. A few years ago I picked up a tip from an old gardener on how to grow these types of plants. He explained that when planting just place a partially crushed hard boiled egg a few inches beneath each plant to provide extra nourishment during the early growth weeks. I tried it for the first time last year with excellent results. I grew a number of plants with eggs and an equal number and type without. There was a marked difference in the size of the plants with eggs as well as the amount of squash, cucumbers, and zucchini s they produced.
After completing the planting I watered everything by hand to help them get established. I then hooked up the sprinkler system and tested it. As always problems arise at the worst times. One of the sprinkler sections refused to work requiring another hour of my time to repair it. One last job was to de-slug the garden. Our worst problem here are slugs that can be really destructive if not properly controlled. I spread a sufficient amount of pellets around each plant to begin the battle for this year. I’ll be forced to do this at least three more times this growing season to keep those damn slugs under control.
Water every day, try to chase away the deer, rabbits, and other creatures at night and maybe the garden will be a success. Expect the worst and hope for the best. I couldn’t even begin to understand how farmers with hundreds of acres ever get all of their work done but I’m glad they do.
Hopefully after today I can sit on my deck for a few months and watch everything grow. Then it will be time to harvest all the goodies and prepare the garden for next year.
As a very young man working my way through puberty I was confronted with sexual desires which truthfully scared the hell out of me. I found myself smitten with girls who had blonde hair. The fact that they also had a French accent was just a plus in my mind and made my fantasy more real. I told everyone that someday I would marry a blonde French women and move to Paris. Looking back it makes me smile to think just how naive I really was.
In those days the current ridicule of blondes was just starting primarily because of a few Hollywood actresses like Marilyn Monroe and Mae West. At the time I paid little or no attention to all of the blonde bashing that was slowly developing even after it turned into a national obsession. It continues today as an easy way to get laughs by comedians and television hosts alike.
My likes and dislikes of women have dramatically changed over the years and my desire for blondes has lessened somewhat. Was this craziness about blondes being dumb the cause of that change? Maybe. These days anyone can be a blonde at a moments notice and it sometimes seems there aren’t many real blondes left. It now requires us men to find out as soon as possible if "the curtains really match the rug". Unfortunately these days many women have opted for a much smaller rug and many times no rug at all. It’s all very confusing for us former blonde men. That’s right, as a young man I was a natural blonde.
I have to admit many blondes do come across as being a little dense at times and others can use that as a means to disarm the men they deal with. I now believe that being blonde is just a state of mind and that any man or women becomes effected by the blonde myth the moment they adopt that as their hair color. I’ve seen brunettes who’ve gone blonde and immediately seem to get more playful and less threatening. They become easier to approach, more fun to be with, and at times more sexually inclined. Hence the famous quote, “blonde’s have more fun”.
So the blonde thing has come full circle from it’s earliest days. I find it interesting just how often some middle aged women go blonde after experiencing the onset of that famous middle age spread. My blonde hair eventually turned light brown and I was safe from ridicule. I didn’t notice any obvious personality change in myself and my life went on as usual.
As a former blonde I feel I have as much right as anyone to have a little fun with the blonde thing. I don’t think the blonde issue will ever be explained or understood and that’s fine with me. Blondes that take offense can just change their hair color and become one of the majority. I’m still looking for the real blondes who don’t care want people think and are standing proud.
I couldn’t write this posting without adding one of my favorite blonde jokes. I guess I’m just as bad as everyone else and I hope it brings a smile or smirk to your face.
Three women were about to be executed. One was a brunette, one a redhead, and the other a blonde. The guard brought the first woman, the brunette, forward and the executioner asked if she had any last requests. She said no and the executioner shouted: "… Ready … Aim … !! and suddenly the brunette yelled, "EARTHQUAKE!" Everyone was startled and looked around. She escaped.
So they brought in the redhead and asked if she had any last requests. She said no, and the executioner shouted: "… Ready … Aim …!! and suddenly the redhead yelled "TORNADO!" Everyone was startled and looked around. She escaped.
Well, by now, the blonde had it all figured out. They brought her forward and the executioner asked if she had any last requests. She said no and the executioner shouted: "… Ready … Aim … !! and the blonde yelled, "FIRE!"
So lame but still funny. I hope all of you blondes out there can forgive me, I’m just a weak formerly blonde man.
Spring has finally sprung here in Maine. That cold nip that’s been in the air for the last few weeks seems to be disappearing and sitting on my deck actually feels warm instead of just in the sunny spots.
Something else is an excellent predictor of warm weather and that’s road construction. We’re just a week away from the beginning of the tourist season which under normal conditions is a huge pain in the butt. Add the influx of tourist to the unbelievable amount of road construction and what do you get? You get madness.
I spent a portion of my day yesterday riding around the area, running errands, and just enjoying the sunshine. I saw a few things I found more than a little disturbing. I once lived in the Boston area and there we were required to suffer through traffic jams which are a way of life. I spent more than seventeen years sitting on Rte. 128 in gigantic traffic jams and logged more time sitting on that highway than I did in my office. It was one of the many reasons I felt a move to Maine was a good idea.
Maine is a very large state with a reasonably small population and under normal circumstances we have a difficult time even finding a traffic jam. Unfortunately that appears to be changing this year. I spent more time than I’d like sitting in construction traffic yesterday and I swear I must have seen at least sixty percent of the state’s population. They were all jammed into one of the main intersections in Scarborough, Maine which has been under construction for at least two months.
It takes a real genius to begin a large road construction project just prior to tourist season at one of the busiest intersections in the area without being absolutely certain it will be completed before the tourists arrive. It’s not the town officials that are to blame but the idiots from the state government in Augusta. They bitch and complain about the poor economy and then do their level best to screw things up.
The perfect example to make my point was this scene. You have two large intersections within a couple of hundred yards of each other. There are no less than fourteen lanes of traffic merging into and out of this area which unfortunately is the direct driving route to the beaches and the marsh areas where tourist love to visit. Every lane except for two was closed.
I sat and watched some poor schmuck standing in a shallow hole spreading asphalt with a wooden paddle. He was sweating his butt off as he pushed and pulled the material around to get it level. Standing right next to him were four supervisors in their pretty white hard hats, reading their clip boards, and watching the poor guy working. Making a rough estimate I would calculate that more than $100.00 an hour was being spent to supervise one guy making $20.00 an hour. I really appreciated that the entire group of supervisors were proud enough to wear their official State of Maine, Department of Transportation jackets. It’s the perfect way to advertise to "We the People" where our hard earned tax money is being spent.
Shortly after Memorial Day that intersection will be an even bigger nightmare. I’m certain that all of our Canadian visitors will really appreciate spending a good portion of their vacation time sitting in the heat at that intersection. You haven’t lived until you’ve experienced a road rage incident where someone is screaming obscenities at you in French. At least I won’t understand what the hell their saying.
I’ve been accused on occasion of thinking everyone I’ve ever met is stupid. I’m really not that jaded to think something that’s so ridiculous. I do believe that every person on the planet has the capability to have moments of genius and just as many have moments of stupid, myself included. I’m just fascinated and maybe overly so by people either being “stupid” or just acting “stupid”. I’ve dealt with and interviewed thousands of people over the years and the number that could be considered “stupid” by any normal human being is nothing less than mind boggling. I’ve also known my fair share of genius level people, both male and female, and almost all of them come across as “stupid” when you discuss anything except their specific fields of interest. They are so focused on them that everything else is unimportant.
I’ve reread a book recently that’s translated from the Italian and it was all about “Stupid”. The authors name was Carlo M. Cipolla and he was Professor Emeritus of Economic History at Berkeley. His first book was published in 1988 in Bologna and in that book there’s an essay called The Basic Laws of Human Stupidity, which may be the best thing ever written on the subject.
Here are his Five Laws of Stupidity somewhat paraphrased:
1. We always underestimate the number of stupid people.
He also observes that it is impossible to set a percentage, because any number we choose will be too small.
2. The probability of a person being stupid is independent of any other characteristic of that person.
Militant feminists may be incensed, says Cipolla, but the stupidity factor is the same in both genders (or as many genders, or sexes, as you may choose to consider). No difference in the sigma factor, as Cipolla calls it, can be found by race, color, ethnic heritage, education, etcetera.
3. (And Golden) A stupid person is someone who causes damage to another person, or a group of people, without any advantage accruing to himself (or herself) — or even with some resultant self-damage.
(We shall come back to this, because it is the pivotal concept of the Cipolla Theory.)
4. Non-stupid people always underestimate the damaging power of stupid people. They constantly forget that at any moment, and in any circumstance, associating with stupid people invariably constitutes an expensive mistake.
That (I would say) suggests that non-stupid people are a bit stupid — but I shall get back to this point at the end.
5. A stupid person is the most dangerous person in existence.
This is probably the most widely understood of the Laws, if only because it is common knowledge that intelligent people, hostile as they might be, are predictable, while stupid people are not. Moreover, its basic corollary:
A stupid person is more dangerous than a bandit.
He leads us to the heart of the Cipolla Theory. There are four types of people, he says, depending on their behavior in a transaction:
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Hapless – Someone whose actions tend to generate self-damage, but also to create advantage for someone else.
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Intelligent – Someone whose actions tend to generate self-advantage, as well as advantage for others.
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Bandit – Someone whose actions tend to generate self-advantage while causing damage to others.
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Stupid – We already have this definition in the Third Law.
It has become painfully obvious to me that I haven’t even scratched the surface of “stupid” compared to Mr. Cipolla. I’ve accepted the fact that my reading and understanding of “stupid” must be taken to the next level or maybe I’m just being “stupid” too.
I have a lot of fun pointing out “stupid” on this blog and will continue to do until it stops being funny. Hopefully at some point in the future I’ll be able to sit down and rewrite Cipolla’s Laws from a more modern perspective and with a touch more humor.
“IT IS ONE OF THE BLESSINGS OF OLD FRIENDS THAT YOU CAN AFFORD TO BE STUPID WITH THEM”. Ralph Waldo Emerson
Another Mother’s Day has come and gone and for the first time in my life I have no mother to celebrate with. I wasn’t sure how I’d feel about that but when you have no choice you just muddle your way through. I guess Mother’s Day has now become for me more a day of remembrance rather than a holiday.
I chatted briefly with my sister but I suspect she’s feeling the same way. Our actual feelings went unspoken during our conversation but we were both thinking the same thing. Fortunately she has her daughter and two grandchildren to help her through this day.
Since my better-half’s sons both live out-of-state I knew I’d need to be there for her because I know how much she misses them. Fortunately her daughter and grandson live nearby and visited last evening to celebrate with her. It was a nice night because it was her daughter’s very first official Mother’s Day and she was really excited about it. One thing nicer than seeing the grandson growing up so fast is also seeing his mom turning into quite the woman and mother.
My better-half had to work today so I left the house early to do a little shopping. I picked up two huge and beautiful steaks, a little wine, a very pretty potted flower, and a Mother’s Day card. I know, she’s not my mother but that’s not really the point. Being a Mom has always been the most important thing to her and her close relationship with her kids is everything. I don’t want her dwelling on the fact that they’re not able to be here so I need to do something a little special.
She arrived home to a cold drink, a big kiss, her flowers and my mushy choice of a card. I did good! I then took those two big beautiful steaks to the grill and turned them into something special. Two inches thick and melt in your mouth wonderful. Baked potatoes and fresh salad followed along with her favorite desert, a chocolate Nutty Buddy. It can’t get much better than that for either of us.
Our day is winding down now, she’s talked to her Mom and her other siblings, and now she can relax and prepare for her two days off. Good days are sometimes hard to find but not this one.
Happy Mother’s Day to all you mother’s out there, male and female alike.
It’s time again for another installment of totally useless information. If you remember all of these tidbits after reading this blog for a year you’ll be declared an Unofficial Trivial Pursuit Expert. Even that game doesn’t include some of the strange and useless stuff found here.
My search will continue to find as many of these stupid and useless facts as possible and forward them along for your amusement. We humans are a strange folk as reflected by the following:
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Did you know you share your birthday with at least 9 other million people in the world?
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Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
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Every time you lick a stamp, you’re consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
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Babies are born without knee caps. They don’t appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.
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In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
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If Barbie were life-size her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human’s neck.
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The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary.
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During your lifetime, you’ll eat about 60,000 pounds of food, that’s the weight of about 6 elephants.
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There are more plastic flamingos in the U.S, than real ones.
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More people use blue toothbrushes, than red ones.
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Lightning strikes about 6,000 times per minute on this planet.
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The average American/Canadian drinks about 600 sodas a year.
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Humans blink over 10,000,000 times a year.
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In the year 2000, Pope John Paul II was named an "Honorary Harlem Globetrotter”.
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Every second, Americans collectively eat one hundred pounds of chocolate.
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A person uses approximately fifty-seven sheets of toilet paper each day.
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In 32 years. there are about 1 billion seconds.
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Baby robins eat 14 feet of earthworms every day.
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Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
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If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
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Men are 6 times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
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A toothpick is the object most often choked on by Americans.
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Every 45 seconds, a house catches on fire in the United States.
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The average ice berg weighs 20,000,000 tons.
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A lump of pure gold the size of a matchbox can be flattened into a sheet the size of a tennis court.
I think my favorite from this list is Pope John Paul II becoming an honorary Harlem Globetrotter. It’s funny on a number of levels and I can just picture him, robes flapping, doing a Michael Jordan flight to the basket for a truly holy dunk.
everyuselessthing.com 