Here are a few samples of some silly things that prompt many of the posts I write on current societal changes. Some I’ve personally experienced, and others were reported to me by friends, readers, and co-workers. God help us all.
In a semi-rural area. a new neighbor called the local town hall administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Too many deer were being hit by cars, and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
Once at a local Taco Bell a taco was ordered. I requested “minimal lettuce.” The server said he was sorry, but they only had “Iceberg”.
At the airport check-in an airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything into your baggage without your knowledge?” I said, “If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?” He smiled and nodded knowingly, “That’s why we ask.”
The stoplight at the intersection buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine (in my opinion), when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled “What on earth are blind people doing driving?”
At a good-bye lunch for a coworker who was leaving the company due to “downsizing” our manager spoke up and said, “This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often.” Not another word was spoken.
I once worked with an individual who plugged her computer power strip back into itself and couldn’t understand why her system wouldn’t turn on.
Upon arriving at an automobile dealership to pick up my car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. The service department had a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger’s side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. “Hey,” I announced to the technician, “it’s open.” The young man answered, “I already got that side.”
I’ve always been a people watcher and loved nothing more than to talk to someone I’ve never met before. People interest me primarily because I made my living talking to them. I was at times surprised and shocked by some of their attempts to communicate with me, either on the phone, in person, or in their writings. I was cleaning out some old files recently and came upon a handwritten resume I received for a job I’d posted for a multi-state investigator position (many years ago). The job had quite a bit of responsibility for multiple locations in a number of surrounding states. Needless to say, I needed someone absolutely trustworthy. I’ll type the body of this resume I received because the handwriting was god-awful. My question to you is: Would you have hired this person to secure your business, home, family or belongings?
Here are excerpts from one of the strangest resumes I’ve ever received. I’ve tried to correct some of the many spelling and grammar errors, or you wouldn’t be able to understand much of this at all. Read on.
***
As I answer your advertisement in the newspaper, I would like to tell you something about myself. And of my background. I am not Hispanic! I was married and divorced from a Spaniard and never remarried. I have military and police corrections background. I also have approximately 23 years of retail sales experience, having worked for a number of the larger well-known department stores.
I have traveled extensively over the U.S.A. I grew up in a white ghetto, married a newsman, work in a hospital as a CSR tech. I study law as a hobby but not in the classroom, although I do have two years of college.
I know street language, jail jargon, drug language, petty theft, organized crime and white-collar crime. I do not know much about ballistics.
Because of my background, my Social Security number is being used by four or five people for fraud. That makes it difficult for me to find work. I have never been arrested, charged, or anything similar to it. But the ones using my Social Security numbers have various backgrounds.
I qualify for the for the newly emerging veterans training program, on-the-job training. My salary would be open to negotiations. I look forward to hearing from you.
Thank you,
Sincerely and as always, I’m just a gal named Gus
(I can and will relocate or travel)
***
After attempting to read and understand the resume, I contacted the local authorities and much to my surprise she was well known in the area as a questionable individual (and not in a good way). I actually responded to her letter to let her know I was running a background check with local police. It came as no surprise to me that she never responded. The refusal letter came back unclaimed.
I was wondering to myself if the response to this posting will be affected by the unusual title. I guess I’ll have my answer sometime tomorrow, but nothing would really surprise me. It’s just my sneaky way of beginning a post on religion. I’m not a big fan as you would already know if you’ve read this blog in the past. I have a friend or two that are true believers, and this is my subtle way of expressing my thoughts on the subject. Many religious folks enjoy using their religions sacred writings to make their points with me, but I find that a bit ludicrous. To take those documents as the literal word of some god is frightening in its naivete. Here are a few blurbs from various religions to help me make my point once again.
According to the Bible If your wife defends your life in a fight by grabbing your attackers genitals, you should cut off your wife’s hand and have no pity on her.
If robbers came to your house while you were having guests, it’s better to offer up your two virgin daughters to the robbers than for your guests to come to any harm.
The proper way to seal a deal in the Bible is to exchange sandals.
More than 60% of Americans think the story of Noah’s Ark is literal truth.
It is better to dwell alone in the desert than at home with a nagging and complaining wife. (Proverbs 21:19)
More than 46% of Americans believe God created humans in their present form, at one time, within the last 10,000 years.
God has commanded Mormons to avoid coffee and tea.
On the eve of Yom Kippur, some observant Jews swing live chickens over their head three times to atone for their sins. It’s called kaparos.
If you want to sleep with your brother’s wife, it’s better to masturbate – or better yet, to pull out early and ejaculate on the ground, in order to avoid getting her pregnant.
Men should not shave any parts of their head and beards.
May the Lord bless everyone who beats your children against the rocks. (Psalm 137:9)
Mormons believe that the Garden of Eden was located in northern Missouri.
I just love reading and listening to news and current events, not for their overwhelming truthfulness but for their misleading and sometimes stupid inaccuracies. Once upon a time the news was reported by actual journalists who dug up the information and submitted it to highly capable editors to keep things as accurate as possible. Unfortunately, these days we have a huge selection of news readers and talking heads with nice hair, big boobs, all handsome and beautiful, who all get their stories as reported to them by the general use wire services. They’re lucky if they can pronounce some of the words properly. Here are a few of my favorite headlines that are both ridiculous and ludicrous.
LARGER KANGAROOS LEAP FURTHER, RESEARCHERS FIND
ALCOHOL ADS PROMOTE DRINKING
CHILDS DEATH RUINS COUPLE’S HOLIDAY
QUEEN MARY HAVING BOTTOM SCRAPED
ILLITERATE? WRITE TODAY FOR FREE HELP
SURVEY FINDS DIRTIER SUBWAYS FTER CLEANING JOBS WERE CUT
SCIENTISTS SEE QUAKES IN L. A. FUTURE
MAN SHOOTS NEIGHBOR WITH MACHETE
I think these headlines have helped make my point. Pay close attention to all of those alleged reporters as you watch their multitude of news programs and opinion pieces!
For most of my life I’ve loved the winter and snow and cold weather. That being said this may have been the worse winter ever with continual losses of electric power, telephone coverage, and internet and that doesn’t even include my fractured ankle and finally being exposed to Covid-19. As global warming continues to wreak havoc on the weather patterns, there’s no normal anymore. Maybe it’s time for me to move further north and live above the arctic circle. The snow, ice, and cold remain consistent there.
Here are a few items of weather-related trivia that you might find interesting.
The Antarctic ice is forced out over the Ross Sea – a large inlet into Antarctica – in a layer hundreds of feet thick. It is called the Ross Ice Shelf (see above) and it’s area is about that of France.
At the height of various ice ages of the last million years, as much as thirty percent of all the land of the planet was covered with a thick layer of ice.
The first mention of an iceberg in world literature did not come until 800 A.D. An account of the travels of the Irish monk, St. Brendan in the north Atlantic, three centuries before, appeared around then and mentioned having sighted a “a floating crystal castle”,
An iceberg larger than Belgium was observed in the South Pacific in 1956. It was 208 miles long and 60 miles wide – the largest ever seen.
The temperature can become so cold in eastern Siberia that the moisture in a persons breath can freeze in the air and fall to the earth.
The most recent ice age reached it’s peak in 16,000 B.C., and it wasn’t until 8000 B.C. that the ice began it’s final retreat. In 6000 B.C. the Great Lakes were clear, and for the first time in 25,000 years Canada began to lose its ice cover. It was not until 3000 B.C. that the ice retreated to its present location; by then human beings were establishing cities throughout the Middle East.
After reading all of that, maybe this wasn’t such a bad year after all.
I’ve been trying for days to post something but these damn storms are screwing up almost everything. Our power and internet returned today after 24 hours of silence and I wanted to post before the next catastrophe arrives.
*****
It feels good to be back to some semblance of normalcy. My first post-op inspection revealed my poor fractured ankle is on the mend. The doctor assures me that only five more weeks of a walker and wheelchair and I should be good to go. That news eases the pressure a little and makes getting back to this blog a little easier. I’ll be happy to provide a few limericks today to make you smile as little.
I haven’t been posting much in recent weeks due in part to my broken ankle and my inability to walk. I won’t drag this out because other people’s medical problems are truly uninteresting to most everyone else. Here is my short version of events.
Ankle Surgery – 2 days in hospital
Returned home to discover my better-half diagnosed with Covid-19
2d day I was also found to be positive for Covid-19
A total of 12 days of isolation for us both accompanied by all of the fun Covid symptoms.
Now that Covid-19 has been dealt with we can once again try to get back to some kind of normal.
Thats the extent of my whining, bitching, and complaining about this run of bad luck. I’m still not very mobile but on the bright side, in four or five more weeks I should be back to what I once thought was normal. Hopefully my blogging will increase as well.
Since I decided to reduce my posting to three days a week thing have gotten even more screwed up. I just spent two glorious days in the Southern Maine Medical Center for surgery on my ankle. I was walking around my home, minding my own business, when I took a step from a carpeted room to the hardwood floor of the living room. Tip #1: Never wear thick cotton socks on hardwood floors. I went down hard after sliding on the floor and absolutely crushed my ankle. The surgery lasted a couple of hours and now I’m screwed for the next 6-8 weeks.
The two days in the hospital were exactly as you’d suspect; they were the worst. Uncomfortable beds, questionable food, and not just a few condescending staff members. I was my fun-loving self except for a few profane outbursts that frightened a few of the more sensitive caregivers. One exceptional nurse stood out from the others. She was everything you could hope for, and I wish there were many more like her. A big thanks to Heather for her handling of a big hard-to-get-along-with ape like me under really crappy circumstances. She did herself proud.
Needless to say, my blogging will be sporadic at best until the wheelchair arrives.
This morning has started off strangely. Fifteen seconds after I sat down at the computer the power went out. I’ve lost all power in the house except for a few limited outlets hooked into the generator. It maintains all of the most important functions of the house like heat and water and thankfully this computer. I’ll be writing this in the dark with no way to upload the content until sometime later today (I hope). Maine has been having a rash of storms in recent weeks and the power grid has been damaged in many areas. I have to admit, this shit is getting really old and all of my bitching and complaining won’t help. Let’s move on to something a little more interesting.
I post a lot of limericks of all types. Some of you like them cute and funny, some like the children’s limericks and some others prefer the more bawdy and suggestive ones. Truthfully, I enjoy them all when the circumstances permit. Today I’ll pass along a few of the milder and sillier ones that won’t scare the children or any adults with delicate sensibilities.
😛😛😛
A mouse in her room woke Miss Dowd.
She was frightened and screamed very loud.
Then a happy thought hit her
To scare off the critter,
She sat up in bed and meowed.
😏😏😏
A young man dining out in Peru
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, “Don’t shout
And wave it about
Or the rest will be wanting one too!”
😊😊😊
There were three little birds in the wood
Who sang hymns anytime that they could.
What the words were about
They could never make out,
But they felt it was doing them good.
🙃🙃🙃
A glutton who lived on the Rhine
When asked at what time he would dine,
He replied, “At eleven,
Four, six, three and seven,
And eight and a quarter to nine.”
😎😎😎
Well finally some good news. The power has been turned on (for how long I couldn’t guess) and I’ll get this posted as quickly as possible.
Living in northern New England requires a certain amount of love for snow. Skiers, skaters, snow boarders, and sledders love it here. Unfortunately, I’m none of those. I’m too clumsy for any winter sports. My favorite winter sport consists of a comfortable stool in a comfortable bar with a huge picture window looking out at the bottom of the ski run. The only way I could be injured under those circumstances is if some amateur skier loses control, crashes through the window, and knocks me off my stool. I can’t be too careful around here with all these snow bunnies and snow freaks running loose among us. I was up this morning a 4:30 am snow blowing my driveway. I just came in from the second trip because this damn snow just keeps falling. I thought I’d pass along some weather-related trivia to save me from losing my mind.
New Hampshire’s Mount Washington, located just a stone’s throw from this house is only 6288 feet in altitude, is often considered to have the worst weather in the world. The highest wind velocity ever recorded on Earth, 231 mi./h, swept across the summit of Mount Washington in April of 1934. More than 30 people have died there as a result of sudden changes in the weather.
Continental snow cover would advance to the equator, and the oceans would eventually freeze, if there were a permanent drop of just 1.6% to 2% in energy reaching the earth.
Because air is denser in cold weather, a wind of the same speed exerts 25% more force during the winter than it does during the summer.
Gigantic snowfalls may be crippling to big cities, but at least in New York City they have a tendency to fall mainly on the day’s most convenient for the urban population. A study of the biggest snows in the last 68 years shows that 54% of them fall on a Friday or Sunday when the cleanup can be accomplished with minimal inconvenience to those millions who must go to work and school.
In 1816, there was no summer in many areas of the world. In parts of New England, snow stayed on the ground all year. Crops there and in Europe were ruined. Volcanic dust from the eruption of Tomboro in Indonesia blocked the rays of the sun and was blamed for the unusual weather as well as for the red and brown snow that fell in the United States, Hungary, and Italy.
I’d love to chat A little more, but Mother Nature insists on filling my driveway with more snow. I’ll be snow blowing a few more times before this day is over.
everyuselessthing.com 