Archive for the ‘Bitch & Complain’ Category
It’s Thursday morning and I’ve just arrived home from the hospital. My hopes for a clean report on my colonoscopy are again disappointing. After a thorough scoping by a very competent doctor he found one stinking polyp. It was too large to burn off so he snipped a chunk from it for further testing. He assured me that 90% of all these polyps are normally benign. So for now I’ll be forced to go with that all the while keeping my fingers crossed.
‘Yuck + Yuck + Yuck = My Night’
You should know that the 36 hours before the colonoscopy were absolute hell. I’ve been through a number of colonoscopy cleansings and as this one began I was happy at just how easy it seemed to be going. The laxative pills were small and harmless looking, the Gatorade didn’t taste too bad, and the laxative powder that went into the Gatorade looked innocent enough. Will I never learn.
I began by taking two pills and then drinking four classes of the laxative laced Gatorade every 30 minutes. I took a break and drink just plain water for an hour and then drank another glass full every half-hour until it was all gone. At 10 pm I was to take two more pills, drink a few more glasses of water and wait. Let me tell you a little secret, I didn’t have to wait very long.
Just after I went to bed all hell broke loose in my body. It was back and forth to the bathroom with each trip becoming more urgent than the last. I won’t try to describe the nastiness that occurred between two and three in the morning. All I’ll say is that at 2 am I was forced into taking an emergency shower, then forced to mop the bathroom floor, and later to strip my bed and do an emergency load of laundry. It was ugly, nasty, humiliating, and unforgettable.
With the results from todays explorations I’m to remain in the five year rotation for future colonoscopies. It seems those folks in my gene pool passed along some of their more depressing traits to yours truly. The story of my effing life.
‘’
’Looking Out the Front Window Today’
I’ve just had my first solid food in the last forty-eight hours and it was fantastic. I’ve been ordered to take it easy for the rest of the day and to get some well needed nap time. There’s really nothing much more to blog about today except for the damn snow storm raging outside my window. I’ll hibernate for the remainder of the week and hopefully get things back to normal by the weekend.
I’m sure glad this is over with.
Here is our driveway as of this morning. Another foot of snow yesterday is starting to become a bit much, even for Maine. Unfortunately another storm is scheduled for tomorrow and Thursday but no guesses are being announced as to what the total accumulation will be.
I can once again say “adios” to my current mailbox. Those wonderful snowplower’s have struck once again costing me my third mailboxes in three years. Those bastards!
My better-half and I made a two hour safari out into the snow just after the last storm passed by. The following pictures bring the winter season here in Maine in focus.
‘This is a robust and productive apple orchard in Summer but it looks a bit forlorn now.’
One of the sports here in Maine that has always fascinated me is ice fishing. The lakes in Maine produce a myriad of ice fishing neighborhoods that survive until the Spring thaw. Little shacks spring up giving all those adventurous fisherman and women a place to escape their families, bond with friends over a beer or two, and repeat those fishing stories to each other that one believes anyway. I’ve visited many of them over the years but I can’t honestly remember ever seeing someone catch a fish. I’m sure they do or at least I hope they do. These were taken on the lake closest to our home.
‘It’s just a little too cold for me.’
We took a drive along the coast on our way home and stopped at Old Orchard Beach, Maine. It’s our favorite haunts in the Summer when it’s packed with tourists and the amusement park is in full swing. It’s a little different now.
‘The party pier in winter.’
‘No bikini babes around here today.’
We’ll be forced to wait a few more months before we can start enjoying this area once again.
My posting for this Thursday will have to wait until I return home from my colonoscopy. I’ll catch a nap for a few hours and then post my hopefully good results from that experience. I’ve decided that getting a colonoscopy at this time of the year is perfect timing. If you’re going to be house bound because of the crappy weather you might as well let the doctors have their fun too.
I’m almost fully recovered from he damn flu . . . . finally. My ability to taste food has returned and my temperature has fallen back into the normal range. I’m feeling good and looking forward to the continuing insanity that will be the remainder of my winter.
I always plan for slow times in January and February but this year isn’t cooperating. I started out with the flu in January, next a colonoscopy, then a car inspection, an annual doctors visit, a dentist appointment, and finally an eye exam. After all of those pain-in-the-ass chores it will be the end of March and winter will be almost over. Along with that list is the ongoing bathroom remodel which has been in limbo because of the flu.
The weather remains snowy and snowy and even more snowy. We already have more than three feet of snow and are expecting another foot or two within the week. If you are a skiing, skating, snowmobiling or snowboarding snow bunny then Maine is where you need to be.
My house has two feet of snow on the roof and ice hanging everywhere else. There must be ten ton of ice and snow that at some point will come crashing down behind the house. God help any living thing that happens to be roaming around when that happens. There could be deaths reported.
I hope these steps survive the ice drop in one piece this year. In years past I’ve been required to replace rails and steps after they’ve been crushed by the falling ice.
I love waking up to the winter view from the window in my bedroom but this is what I saw yesterday as I opened the curtains. More freaking ice. I suppose it could be worse and I’m almost positive it will be. My better-half and I are heading out into the snow and ice with cameras in hand to see what we can see. I’ll post any interesting pictures as soon as I can.
It’ time to gear up and get moving.
‘This doesn’t fall in January but I like it anyway.”
We all love observances or so it seems. I’ve never seen or understood why they’re so necessary. It seems that if more than three people get together and agree on something it immediately becomes necessary to make the entire country aware of it. So they submit a request to one of our overpaid and more times than not incompetent politicians requesting a day be set forth for a celebration of their oh so important subject.
Politicians who are consumed with getting reelected will prostitute themselves in any way for recognition, no matter how stupid or inane the request might be. Since January and February are such slow months they seem to have plenty of time on their hands for these Monthly, Weekly, and Daily observances. A small portion seem reasonable but the vast majority are just so much fluff and utter nonsense. This post will be my PSA (Public Service Announcement) for the first quarter of this year. The following list contains only a portion of the large number of daily observances for January. Some are funny, most are stupid, and some I have no idea what they mean or what they’re meant to accomplish.
- Asarah B’Tevet Day: 1 A SHOULDER SHRUG AND PUZZLED LOOK HERE.
- Euro Day: 1 WHO REALLY CARES?
- First Foot Day: 1
- New Year’s Dishonor List Day: 1
- Z Day: 1 WHO KNOWS WHAT THIS IS FOR?
- Happy Mew Year for Cats Day: 2 SO FREAKING LAME.
- Drinking Straw Day: 3
- Fruitcake Toss Day: 3 THIS MIGHT BE REFERRING TO THE POLITICIANS.
- *Memento Mori "Remember You Die" Day: 3
- Dimpled Chad Day: 4 ANOTHER DEMOCRAT FROM FLORIDA I’LL BET.
- Tom Thumb Day: 4
- Bird Day: 5 I’VE GOT A BIRD FOR THEM RIGHT HERE.
- "Thank God It’s Monday" Day: 5
- I’m Not Going To Take It Anymore Day: 7
- National Tempura Day: 7
The list continues but I promise you they don’t get any better. The further along we go the worse it seems to get.
- Argyle Day: 8
- Bubble Bath Day: 8
- National English Toffee Day: 8
- National Bubble Bath Day: 8
- National Joy Germ Day: 8
- Balloon Ascension Day: 9
- National Cassoulet Day: 9 I HAVE NO CLUE ON THIS ONE.
- National Static Electricity Day: 9
- Learn Your Name in Morse Code Day: 11 THIS IS SOOO CRUCIAL.
- No Pants Subway Ride Day: 11 THIS SHOULD BE A NEW YORK HOLIDAY.
- Kiss A Ginger (Red Heads) Day: 12 THOUGHT UP BY A PISSED OFF RED HEAD.
- Rubber Duckie Day: 13
- Caesarean Section Day: 14 WHO WANTS TO CELEBRATE THIS?
- Dress Up Your Pet Day: 14 TO STUPID TO BE BELIEVED.
‘Is there a ribbon for Stupid?”
I just wonder how much time is wasted by our overpaid politicians to process these stupid requests and present them for an official vote. What special interest groups could some of these possibly represent?
- Appreciate A Dragon Day: 16
- Fig Newton Day: 16
- International Fetish Day: 16 A FAVORITE OF MOST POLITICIANS.
- Nothing Day: 16 AMEN TO THIS.
- Tu B’shuvt: 16 HAVEN’T A CLUE.
- Cable Car Day: 17
- Tin Can Day: 19
- Penguin Awareness Day: 20
- National Disc Jockey Day: 20
- Squirrel Appreciation Day: 21 THIS IS NUTS.
I know, I know, it’s also hard for me to believe that this partial list continues on. Just be glad I didn’t list everything else that I found for January or you’d be reading for another twenty minutes.
- Answer Your Cat’s Questions Day: 22 IF YOUR CAT ANSWERS GIVE ME A CALL.
I find it really interesting and ironic that the following two observances fall on the same day.
- Celebration of Life Day: 22
- Roe vs. Wade Day: 22
Back to the last few entries for this embarrassing display of political patronage and political correctness.
- Snowplow Mailbox Hockey Day: 23 I CELEBRATE THIS DAY AFTER EVERY SNOW STORM.
- Beer Can Day: 24 MY BETTER-HALF IS THE POSTER GIRL ON THIS ONE.
- Talk Like A Grizzled Prospector Day: 24
- Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day: 26
- National Kazoo Day: 28 HERE’S ONE MORE THING TO HUM ON.
- Inane Answering Message Day: 30
- Appreciate Your Social Security Check Day: 31
That’s it for today. You now know way more about January observances than you’ve ever wanted. I deeply apologize but I feel these days must be recognized and celebrated because our politicians say so. NOT!!!
One of the biggest problems with this extremely cold weather is not getting to spend much time outside the house. I’m able to run outside for short periods but anything longer than a few minutes is problematic. Even my unheated workshop in the garage is impossible to spend more than a few minutes in and I’m too cheap to pay for a space heater and gallons of kerosene. The first week of this cold was bearable but each day that goes by without relief I become more and more antsy.
I ran out of patience yesterday and decided to grab my better-half, my camera, and just go somewhere. As long as the car’s heater continued to work we’d be just fine.
I’ve been wondering during the last few days how in the hell the wild animals survive this kind of weather. I’m sure that many don’t but it’s amazing that any actually survive it at all. I noticed this morning that my house is being circled by a flock of birds which I haven’t been able to identify. It’s like a scene from Hitchcock’s movie “The Birds”. They seem to be interested in the suet we have near the other feeders but they’re beginning to make me nervous. Prior to their arrival we hadn’t seen much activity at all except for a few chickadees and those annoying woodpeckers.
During our foray into the ice and snow we took a ride through the Dayton area which is loaded with horse farms. I was surprised to see quite a few horses out in the corrals wearing their coats and getting a little much needed exercise.
Normally anytime we approach horses they walk right over to check us out. They’re always curious and looking for apples, carrots, or sugar cubes. Not today though. They were just as cold and miserable as we were. They appreciated the exercise but headed for the barn every few minutes to warm up a little.
Well it’s time to head back home for more reading and TV. I miss the occasional walk on the beach even during the winter. The current wind chill makes even that uncomfortable. Hopefully we’ll see some warmer temperatures next week even if it’s only somewhere near thirty degrees.
I’m really tired of talking about Maine’s winter weather and I’m just as sure your tired of hearing about it. I’ll take a few steps back into the past and try to entertain you with some unusual trivia. It’s been a while since I delved into my bag of useless crap but I feel like sharing today. I’ll try to keep things interesting and not weather related. Let’s go . . . .
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Murphy’s Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants.
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For over forty years, Herbert Hoover gave all of his political earnings to charity, including his wages and pension as president.
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America’s last professional bare-knuckle boxing bout, in 1889, went to seventy-five rounds. The fight was between John I. Sullivan and Jake Kilrain – Kilrain lost. The famous lawman Bat Masterson was the timekeeper.
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Butter was the first food product allowed by law to have artificial coloring. It is totally white in it’s natural state.
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The average person laughs thirteen times a day.
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Forty-five percent of cat owners buy a holiday gift for their pet.
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Honeybees maintain a temperature of 94 degrees in their hives year round.
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Your thumb is the same length as your nose.
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If you were locked in a completely sealed room you would die of carbon dioxide poisoning before oxygen deprivation.
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In 1976 the swine flu vaccine caused more deaths than the illness it was intended to prevent.
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It would take seven billion particles of fog to fill a teaspoon.
And one quote: “God gave men a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.” ROBIN WILLIAMS
That’s enough for today. I do love trivia but a steady diet of it seems to be a sad commentary on my life as it currently exists. If you take these weird facts and use them properly you can amaze and surprise your friends with your vast knowledge of totally useless information. I have to say my friends were never all that impressed but the hell with them too. I can tell you one fact that you might not have figured out just yet. The last place you ever want to be is in a bar on trivia night with me sitting next to you. You’ll be so tempted to just walk over and give me a smack and truthfully I wouldn’t blame you.
I’m done for today but more of this stuff is in your future if you continue to read this blog.
Before I get any further into this post I thought I’d give those of you interested in history my Lewis & Clark expedition update. The journal of their travels begins on May 14, 1804, the day they left the Mississippi River, a day or two after they arrived back in St. Louis. They left from a river camp near Dubois and proceeded up the Missouri River under full sail. The party consisted of one ship and two perogues (their spelling for canoes). Those first few weeks were rainy with the river running higher than normal. They suffered difficulties with sand bars and a broken mast when it struck an overhanging tree but they found game plentiful and plenty of fresh water.
Their group harvested dozens deer and three bears along the way and any meat not eaten was dried and made into a jerky for later use. They’ve met a few French traders roaming along the river and have only seen fresh Indian sign but no actual Indians as yet
On June 6 commander Clark reports himself as suffering from a high fever and severe headaches and here’s his actual quote on the general health of the expedition:
”The party is much aflicted with Boils and Several have the Decissentary, which I contribute to the water.” (This is his spelling not mine.)
On June 13 they made camp near the Carlton River near a beautiful open prairie and that’s where I left them last night. Using modern day maps it’s still difficult for me to determine their exact location due to the confusion in names and descriptions. An educated guess would be that they’ve traveled between thirty and forty miles up river from St. Louis.
One last quote can better explain how discipline was carried out back in the good old days. Any current and former sailors will cringe when they read this:
[Clark, June 29, 1804] Camp mouth of the Kanseis June 29th 1804. Ordered a Court martial will Set this day at 11 oClock, to Consist of five members, for the trial of John Collins and Hugh Hall, Confined on Charges exhibited against them by Sergeant Floyd, agreeable to the articles of War. Detail for the Court Sergt Nat. Pryor presd. mbs: 2 John Colter 3 John Newmon 4 Pat. Gass 1 J. B. Thompson John Potts to act as judge advocate. The Court Convened agreeable to order and proceeded to the trial of the Prisoners Viz John Collins Charged "with getting drunk on his post this morning out of whiskey put under his Charge as a Sentinal and for Suffering Hugh Hall to draw whiskey out of the Said Barrel intended for the party" To this Charge the prisoner plead not guilty. The Court after mature deliveration on the evidence abduced &c. are of oppinion that the prisoner is Guilty of the Charge exibited against him, and do therefore Sentence him to recive one hundred Lashes on his bear Back.
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Back to the present and this lovely Maine winter we’re enjoying. The temperature continues to hover in the single digits and I’m still freezing my ass off. I’m hoping for a little relief sometime soon but who knows maybe I’m just kidding myself.
‘Go Steelers Go Pat’s’
Yesterday was football day in this house and as the games were being played my better-half and I decorated our new Super Bowl tree (formerly our X-mas tree). If you remember we decided to keep the tree up for the entire year and to celebrate as many holidays as possible. As you can see by the photo the tree contains a lot of Steeler paraphernalia even though they were soundly defeated last week. After the Pat’s victory last night over the Ravens they’ll soon be properly honored on our tree as well.
Our next tree will be celebrating Valentine’s Day.
After having a couple of weeks of beautiful sunny and moderately warm weather, the fun is apparently over. These last few days have brought winter back to us with a freaking vengeance. It started two days ago with just four or five inches of snow which living in Maine isn’t all that much. Then came the freezing rain which put down a sheet of ice on top of the snow. Then it decided to just rain for a while to make things even worse.
I was so thrilled to be able to pay some much needed attention to my poor lonely snowblower. Everything was fine until the cold air arrived from somewhere near the arctic circle. For the last twenty-four hours the temperature continued to drop with wind chills ending up well below zero. They say, those dumb ass weather people, that it will continue for another day and will warm up just in time for the first of two snowstorms working their way towards us. Hooray for me! Couple that with my soon to be experienced colonoscopy and 2015 is already not my most favorite year. I could say it’s becoming a real pain in the ass but that pun’s even too corny for the likes of me.
Since all of the snow, sleet and rain have eliminated any possibility of my starting a forest fire I made the decision to clean out my workshop and to have a cute little bonfire to get rid of the wood scraps. I figured even this stupid town we live in wouldn’t attempt to arrest me for failing to obtain a burning permit. That’s just another one of those small fine-print freedoms we’ve lost somewhere along the way. The job was done and the fire was very satisfying for some unknown reason, maybe because I got one over on the town government. Now I can start my bathroom remodel and have enough room left in the workshop to actually do it.
‘’Early Spring Cleaning’
‘Burn Baby Burn’
As I mentioned a week ago my better-half and I decided that we’d make further use of the former Christmas tree throughout this entire new year. We put Christmas to bed this week and packed away all of the decorations for another year. We’ve been slowly collecting appropriate decorations for the next celebration which is the Super Bowl. Unfortunately the Steelers (our favorite team) have been eliminated from the playoffs this year but they’ll be properly honored on our Super Bowl tree. After that’s over we can then plan our decoration of the Valentine’s Day tree.
I’ll be supplying photos of these trees as they happen and yes I know it sounds a little crazy. I’ve always been a big fan of crazy especially outside-the-box crazy. It’s time to turn this year around after a suspiciously sucky start.
I finally feel as if my entire life has been justified and validated. I never thought it would happen but today was the day. I stayed up late last night snuggling warmly on my favorite chair with my Kindle. I’ve been on a reading binge of late but decided to switch from my normal detective novels to some non-fiction. After a thorough search of the Kindle Store I was able to download a number of books and essays that caught my eye.
Just for background purposes you should know that many many times in my life I’ve been accused of being a ‘wise ass’. For me it stopped being something derogatory when I was still in junior high school. It became a badge of honor at that point and I set out to be the best ‘wise ass’ I could be. It’s good to have goals, don’t you know.
I’ve always enjoyed the company of other ‘wise asses’ because we understand each other. We all seem to be quick witted and able to crack wise at a moments notice. It’s not as easy and glamorous as it sounds. It takes years of hard work and dedication just to get to the level where your recognized by others after just a few minutes of conversation.
Samuel Clemens aka Mark Twain
I also enjoyed reading as a teenager and I became hooked on anything written by Mark Twain. It became obvious very quickly that while Mark Twain could spin a tale like nobody’s business his alter ego, Samuel Clemens, was the ultimate sarcastic wise ass. The more sarcastic and glib he became the more in demand he was. Last night I began reading his essay on "The Decay of the Art of Lying" and it took just a few paragraphs for me to realize that I needed to give more thought to lying in general and really good lying in particular. This quote stood out in just the first paragraph:
"No high-minded man, no man of right feeling, can contemplate the lumbering and slovenly lying of the present day without grieving to see a noble art so prostituted."
Another favorite ‘wise ass’ of mine was Will Rogers. Although he died in a plane crash in Alaska in 1935 much of his writings and quotations can be found everywhere. He was the leading political wit of the Progressive Era, and was a top-paid Hollywood movie star at the same time. He was another ‘wise ass’ who made it big before his untimely death. His good-old-boy approach to ridicule and humor made him funny, well liked, with a sarcasm that was dripping with honey. He was the sort who could take you to task for something stupid you’ve done and have you laughing at yourself as he left the room.
It’s a real shame that both of these ‘wise asses’ weren’t able to live long enough to see how our current political figures of both parties have proudly carried the art form of lying to new heights.
I’ve always been good at spinning a yarn to avoid lying but maybe I should have just blurted out the truth. Clemens stated rather emphatically that everyone lies. Whether it’s a little white lie or a lie of omission, it’s still a lie. We are a nation of liars. I honestly believe I prefer things the way they are because telling the absolute truth regardless of the consequences can get nasty and unfriendly very quickly. It makes the age old question "Does my ass look too big in this dress?" a life threatening situation. No thank you. Here’s one last quote from Clemens to support my position:
"None of us could live with an habitual truth-teller, but thank goodness none of us have to. A habitual truth-teller is an impossible creature; he does not exist; he never has existed. Everybody lies-every day; every hour; asleep; in his dreams; in his joy; in his mourning; if he keeps his tongue still, his hands, his feet, his eyes, his attitude, will convey deception-and purposely."
I’m an even bigger fan of Samuel Clemens and Will Rogers that I was previously. It’s nice to see a few sarcastic ‘wise asses’ make the big time. I just wanted to take the time to acknowledge them with this self-created Wise Ass Appreciation Day. Thankfully for all of us their works will live on forever.
Wise Asses – 2
The Rest of the World – 0
Well we’ve all survived another year. I guess we should be congratulated but maybe not. Over the New Years holiday I made the mistake of catching up on some TV watching. I should have known better but as always I thought there might be something interesting on. How stupid am I?
I was working on a project and had the TV playing in the background. I was excited about the project since I’ve been working on it for more years than I care to think about. I was working intently but my subconscious was inundated with three hours of religious doom and gloom. The "End of Days" and "Armageddon" we’re just some of the topics I was hearing and it depressed me enough that I turned the channel. I then found myself in the midst of a mini-marathon of the Walking Dead program which for me was even worse than the religious nonsense.
The bottom line was that I disconnected the damn TV and fell back on the good old reliable music that I love. I recently created a new playlist which is killer. It’s a collection of three of my all time favorite female blues singers, Anita Baker, Billie Holiday, and Amy Winehouse. It was absolutely wonderful with Billie singing Loverman, followed closely by Amy singing Back to Black, and then Anita bringing it home with Sweet Love. It just doesn’t get much better than that.
Back to this crazy project of mine. Over a ten year period back in the nineties I created a collection of collages containing articles and things from my life. Some were four feet square with an variety of other sizes as well. I called them my life panels. I always intended to have them framed and then put together to create a wall. Here I am twenty-five years later and even though they’ve been in storage for all of that time they still look pretty good. They’ve never been displayed at all but have moved from place to place with with me awaiting enough wall space to put them up.
This current man-cave of mine has slowly turned into someplace special but I still don’t have enough wall space. I solved that problem this week by turning my life panels into the ceiling above my computer desk. The picture that follows was taken as I was lying on my back on the floor looking up.
What better way to start 2015 than to resurrect my life panels and to display them proudly. I can now lean back in my chair and see more than twenty years of my life displayed for my enjoyment. Happy New Year to me. . . .
AND TO YOU!
’Looking Out the Front Window Today’
everyuselessthing.com 