Archive for the ‘Bitch & Complain’ Category
‘This doesn’t fall in January but I like it anyway.”
We all love observances or so it seems. I’ve never seen or understood why they’re so necessary. It seems that if more than three people get together and agree on something it immediately becomes necessary to make the entire country aware of it. So they submit a request to one of our overpaid and more times than not incompetent politicians requesting a day be set forth for a celebration of their oh so important subject.
Politicians who are consumed with getting reelected will prostitute themselves in any way for recognition, no matter how stupid or inane the request might be. Since January and February are such slow months they seem to have plenty of time on their hands for these Monthly, Weekly, and Daily observances. A small portion seem reasonable but the vast majority are just so much fluff and utter nonsense. This post will be my PSA (Public Service Announcement) for the first quarter of this year. The following list contains only a portion of the large number of daily observances for January. Some are funny, most are stupid, and some I have no idea what they mean or what they’re meant to accomplish.
- Asarah B’Tevet Day: 1 A SHOULDER SHRUG AND PUZZLED LOOK HERE.
- Euro Day: 1 WHO REALLY CARES?
- First Foot Day: 1
- New Year’s Dishonor List Day: 1
- Z Day: 1 WHO KNOWS WHAT THIS IS FOR?
- Happy Mew Year for Cats Day: 2 SO FREAKING LAME.
- Drinking Straw Day: 3
- Fruitcake Toss Day: 3 THIS MIGHT BE REFERRING TO THE POLITICIANS.
- *Memento Mori "Remember You Die" Day: 3
- Dimpled Chad Day: 4 ANOTHER DEMOCRAT FROM FLORIDA I’LL BET.
- Tom Thumb Day: 4
- Bird Day: 5 I’VE GOT A BIRD FOR THEM RIGHT HERE.
- "Thank God It’s Monday" Day: 5
- I’m Not Going To Take It Anymore Day: 7
- National Tempura Day: 7
The list continues but I promise you they don’t get any better. The further along we go the worse it seems to get.
- Argyle Day: 8
- Bubble Bath Day: 8
- National English Toffee Day: 8
- National Bubble Bath Day: 8
- National Joy Germ Day: 8
- Balloon Ascension Day: 9
- National Cassoulet Day: 9 I HAVE NO CLUE ON THIS ONE.
- National Static Electricity Day: 9
- Learn Your Name in Morse Code Day: 11 THIS IS SOOO CRUCIAL.
- No Pants Subway Ride Day: 11 THIS SHOULD BE A NEW YORK HOLIDAY.
- Kiss A Ginger (Red Heads) Day: 12 THOUGHT UP BY A PISSED OFF RED HEAD.
- Rubber Duckie Day: 13
- Caesarean Section Day: 14 WHO WANTS TO CELEBRATE THIS?
- Dress Up Your Pet Day: 14 TO STUPID TO BE BELIEVED.
‘Is there a ribbon for Stupid?”
I just wonder how much time is wasted by our overpaid politicians to process these stupid requests and present them for an official vote. What special interest groups could some of these possibly represent?
- Appreciate A Dragon Day: 16
- Fig Newton Day: 16
- International Fetish Day: 16 A FAVORITE OF MOST POLITICIANS.
- Nothing Day: 16 AMEN TO THIS.
- Tu B’shuvt: 16 HAVEN’T A CLUE.
- Cable Car Day: 17
- Tin Can Day: 19
- Penguin Awareness Day: 20
- National Disc Jockey Day: 20
- Squirrel Appreciation Day: 21 THIS IS NUTS.
I know, I know, it’s also hard for me to believe that this partial list continues on. Just be glad I didn’t list everything else that I found for January or you’d be reading for another twenty minutes.
- Answer Your Cat’s Questions Day: 22 IF YOUR CAT ANSWERS GIVE ME A CALL.
I find it really interesting and ironic that the following two observances fall on the same day.
- Celebration of Life Day: 22
- Roe vs. Wade Day: 22
Back to the last few entries for this embarrassing display of political patronage and political correctness.
- Snowplow Mailbox Hockey Day: 23 I CELEBRATE THIS DAY AFTER EVERY SNOW STORM.
- Beer Can Day: 24 MY BETTER-HALF IS THE POSTER GIRL ON THIS ONE.
- Talk Like A Grizzled Prospector Day: 24
- Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day: 26
- National Kazoo Day: 28 HERE’S ONE MORE THING TO HUM ON.
- Inane Answering Message Day: 30
- Appreciate Your Social Security Check Day: 31
That’s it for today. You now know way more about January observances than you’ve ever wanted. I deeply apologize but I feel these days must be recognized and celebrated because our politicians say so. NOT!!!
One of the biggest problems with this extremely cold weather is not getting to spend much time outside the house. I’m able to run outside for short periods but anything longer than a few minutes is problematic. Even my unheated workshop in the garage is impossible to spend more than a few minutes in and I’m too cheap to pay for a space heater and gallons of kerosene. The first week of this cold was bearable but each day that goes by without relief I become more and more antsy.
I ran out of patience yesterday and decided to grab my better-half, my camera, and just go somewhere. As long as the car’s heater continued to work we’d be just fine.
I’ve been wondering during the last few days how in the hell the wild animals survive this kind of weather. I’m sure that many don’t but it’s amazing that any actually survive it at all. I noticed this morning that my house is being circled by a flock of birds which I haven’t been able to identify. It’s like a scene from Hitchcock’s movie “The Birds”. They seem to be interested in the suet we have near the other feeders but they’re beginning to make me nervous. Prior to their arrival we hadn’t seen much activity at all except for a few chickadees and those annoying woodpeckers.
During our foray into the ice and snow we took a ride through the Dayton area which is loaded with horse farms. I was surprised to see quite a few horses out in the corrals wearing their coats and getting a little much needed exercise.
Normally anytime we approach horses they walk right over to check us out. They’re always curious and looking for apples, carrots, or sugar cubes. Not today though. They were just as cold and miserable as we were. They appreciated the exercise but headed for the barn every few minutes to warm up a little.
Well it’s time to head back home for more reading and TV. I miss the occasional walk on the beach even during the winter. The current wind chill makes even that uncomfortable. Hopefully we’ll see some warmer temperatures next week even if it’s only somewhere near thirty degrees.
I’m really tired of talking about Maine’s winter weather and I’m just as sure your tired of hearing about it. I’ll take a few steps back into the past and try to entertain you with some unusual trivia. It’s been a while since I delved into my bag of useless crap but I feel like sharing today. I’ll try to keep things interesting and not weather related. Let’s go . . . .
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Murphy’s Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants.
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For over forty years, Herbert Hoover gave all of his political earnings to charity, including his wages and pension as president.
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America’s last professional bare-knuckle boxing bout, in 1889, went to seventy-five rounds. The fight was between John I. Sullivan and Jake Kilrain – Kilrain lost. The famous lawman Bat Masterson was the timekeeper.
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Butter was the first food product allowed by law to have artificial coloring. It is totally white in it’s natural state.
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The average person laughs thirteen times a day.
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Forty-five percent of cat owners buy a holiday gift for their pet.
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Honeybees maintain a temperature of 94 degrees in their hives year round.
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Your thumb is the same length as your nose.
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If you were locked in a completely sealed room you would die of carbon dioxide poisoning before oxygen deprivation.
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In 1976 the swine flu vaccine caused more deaths than the illness it was intended to prevent.
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It would take seven billion particles of fog to fill a teaspoon.
And one quote: “God gave men a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.” ROBIN WILLIAMS
That’s enough for today. I do love trivia but a steady diet of it seems to be a sad commentary on my life as it currently exists. If you take these weird facts and use them properly you can amaze and surprise your friends with your vast knowledge of totally useless information. I have to say my friends were never all that impressed but the hell with them too. I can tell you one fact that you might not have figured out just yet. The last place you ever want to be is in a bar on trivia night with me sitting next to you. You’ll be so tempted to just walk over and give me a smack and truthfully I wouldn’t blame you.
I’m done for today but more of this stuff is in your future if you continue to read this blog.
Before I get any further into this post I thought I’d give those of you interested in history my Lewis & Clark expedition update. The journal of their travels begins on May 14, 1804, the day they left the Mississippi River, a day or two after they arrived back in St. Louis. They left from a river camp near Dubois and proceeded up the Missouri River under full sail. The party consisted of one ship and two perogues (their spelling for canoes). Those first few weeks were rainy with the river running higher than normal. They suffered difficulties with sand bars and a broken mast when it struck an overhanging tree but they found game plentiful and plenty of fresh water.
Their group harvested dozens deer and three bears along the way and any meat not eaten was dried and made into a jerky for later use. They’ve met a few French traders roaming along the river and have only seen fresh Indian sign but no actual Indians as yet
On June 6 commander Clark reports himself as suffering from a high fever and severe headaches and here’s his actual quote on the general health of the expedition:
”The party is much aflicted with Boils and Several have the Decissentary, which I contribute to the water.” (This is his spelling not mine.)
On June 13 they made camp near the Carlton River near a beautiful open prairie and that’s where I left them last night. Using modern day maps it’s still difficult for me to determine their exact location due to the confusion in names and descriptions. An educated guess would be that they’ve traveled between thirty and forty miles up river from St. Louis.
One last quote can better explain how discipline was carried out back in the good old days. Any current and former sailors will cringe when they read this:
[Clark, June 29, 1804] Camp mouth of the Kanseis June 29th 1804. Ordered a Court martial will Set this day at 11 oClock, to Consist of five members, for the trial of John Collins and Hugh Hall, Confined on Charges exhibited against them by Sergeant Floyd, agreeable to the articles of War. Detail for the Court Sergt Nat. Pryor presd. mbs: 2 John Colter 3 John Newmon 4 Pat. Gass 1 J. B. Thompson John Potts to act as judge advocate. The Court Convened agreeable to order and proceeded to the trial of the Prisoners Viz John Collins Charged "with getting drunk on his post this morning out of whiskey put under his Charge as a Sentinal and for Suffering Hugh Hall to draw whiskey out of the Said Barrel intended for the party" To this Charge the prisoner plead not guilty. The Court after mature deliveration on the evidence abduced &c. are of oppinion that the prisoner is Guilty of the Charge exibited against him, and do therefore Sentence him to recive one hundred Lashes on his bear Back.
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Back to the present and this lovely Maine winter we’re enjoying. The temperature continues to hover in the single digits and I’m still freezing my ass off. I’m hoping for a little relief sometime soon but who knows maybe I’m just kidding myself.
‘Go Steelers Go Pat’s’
Yesterday was football day in this house and as the games were being played my better-half and I decorated our new Super Bowl tree (formerly our X-mas tree). If you remember we decided to keep the tree up for the entire year and to celebrate as many holidays as possible. As you can see by the photo the tree contains a lot of Steeler paraphernalia even though they were soundly defeated last week. After the Pat’s victory last night over the Ravens they’ll soon be properly honored on our tree as well.
Our next tree will be celebrating Valentine’s Day.
After having a couple of weeks of beautiful sunny and moderately warm weather, the fun is apparently over. These last few days have brought winter back to us with a freaking vengeance. It started two days ago with just four or five inches of snow which living in Maine isn’t all that much. Then came the freezing rain which put down a sheet of ice on top of the snow. Then it decided to just rain for a while to make things even worse.
I was so thrilled to be able to pay some much needed attention to my poor lonely snowblower. Everything was fine until the cold air arrived from somewhere near the arctic circle. For the last twenty-four hours the temperature continued to drop with wind chills ending up well below zero. They say, those dumb ass weather people, that it will continue for another day and will warm up just in time for the first of two snowstorms working their way towards us. Hooray for me! Couple that with my soon to be experienced colonoscopy and 2015 is already not my most favorite year. I could say it’s becoming a real pain in the ass but that pun’s even too corny for the likes of me.
Since all of the snow, sleet and rain have eliminated any possibility of my starting a forest fire I made the decision to clean out my workshop and to have a cute little bonfire to get rid of the wood scraps. I figured even this stupid town we live in wouldn’t attempt to arrest me for failing to obtain a burning permit. That’s just another one of those small fine-print freedoms we’ve lost somewhere along the way. The job was done and the fire was very satisfying for some unknown reason, maybe because I got one over on the town government. Now I can start my bathroom remodel and have enough room left in the workshop to actually do it.
‘’Early Spring Cleaning’
‘Burn Baby Burn’
As I mentioned a week ago my better-half and I decided that we’d make further use of the former Christmas tree throughout this entire new year. We put Christmas to bed this week and packed away all of the decorations for another year. We’ve been slowly collecting appropriate decorations for the next celebration which is the Super Bowl. Unfortunately the Steelers (our favorite team) have been eliminated from the playoffs this year but they’ll be properly honored on our Super Bowl tree. After that’s over we can then plan our decoration of the Valentine’s Day tree.
I’ll be supplying photos of these trees as they happen and yes I know it sounds a little crazy. I’ve always been a big fan of crazy especially outside-the-box crazy. It’s time to turn this year around after a suspiciously sucky start.
I finally feel as if my entire life has been justified and validated. I never thought it would happen but today was the day. I stayed up late last night snuggling warmly on my favorite chair with my Kindle. I’ve been on a reading binge of late but decided to switch from my normal detective novels to some non-fiction. After a thorough search of the Kindle Store I was able to download a number of books and essays that caught my eye.
Just for background purposes you should know that many many times in my life I’ve been accused of being a ‘wise ass’. For me it stopped being something derogatory when I was still in junior high school. It became a badge of honor at that point and I set out to be the best ‘wise ass’ I could be. It’s good to have goals, don’t you know.
I’ve always enjoyed the company of other ‘wise asses’ because we understand each other. We all seem to be quick witted and able to crack wise at a moments notice. It’s not as easy and glamorous as it sounds. It takes years of hard work and dedication just to get to the level where your recognized by others after just a few minutes of conversation.
Samuel Clemens aka Mark Twain
I also enjoyed reading as a teenager and I became hooked on anything written by Mark Twain. It became obvious very quickly that while Mark Twain could spin a tale like nobody’s business his alter ego, Samuel Clemens, was the ultimate sarcastic wise ass. The more sarcastic and glib he became the more in demand he was. Last night I began reading his essay on "The Decay of the Art of Lying" and it took just a few paragraphs for me to realize that I needed to give more thought to lying in general and really good lying in particular. This quote stood out in just the first paragraph:
"No high-minded man, no man of right feeling, can contemplate the lumbering and slovenly lying of the present day without grieving to see a noble art so prostituted."
Another favorite ‘wise ass’ of mine was Will Rogers. Although he died in a plane crash in Alaska in 1935 much of his writings and quotations can be found everywhere. He was the leading political wit of the Progressive Era, and was a top-paid Hollywood movie star at the same time. He was another ‘wise ass’ who made it big before his untimely death. His good-old-boy approach to ridicule and humor made him funny, well liked, with a sarcasm that was dripping with honey. He was the sort who could take you to task for something stupid you’ve done and have you laughing at yourself as he left the room.
It’s a real shame that both of these ‘wise asses’ weren’t able to live long enough to see how our current political figures of both parties have proudly carried the art form of lying to new heights.
I’ve always been good at spinning a yarn to avoid lying but maybe I should have just blurted out the truth. Clemens stated rather emphatically that everyone lies. Whether it’s a little white lie or a lie of omission, it’s still a lie. We are a nation of liars. I honestly believe I prefer things the way they are because telling the absolute truth regardless of the consequences can get nasty and unfriendly very quickly. It makes the age old question "Does my ass look too big in this dress?" a life threatening situation. No thank you. Here’s one last quote from Clemens to support my position:
"None of us could live with an habitual truth-teller, but thank goodness none of us have to. A habitual truth-teller is an impossible creature; he does not exist; he never has existed. Everybody lies-every day; every hour; asleep; in his dreams; in his joy; in his mourning; if he keeps his tongue still, his hands, his feet, his eyes, his attitude, will convey deception-and purposely."
I’m an even bigger fan of Samuel Clemens and Will Rogers that I was previously. It’s nice to see a few sarcastic ‘wise asses’ make the big time. I just wanted to take the time to acknowledge them with this self-created Wise Ass Appreciation Day. Thankfully for all of us their works will live on forever.
Wise Asses – 2
The Rest of the World – 0
Well we’ve all survived another year. I guess we should be congratulated but maybe not. Over the New Years holiday I made the mistake of catching up on some TV watching. I should have known better but as always I thought there might be something interesting on. How stupid am I?
I was working on a project and had the TV playing in the background. I was excited about the project since I’ve been working on it for more years than I care to think about. I was working intently but my subconscious was inundated with three hours of religious doom and gloom. The "End of Days" and "Armageddon" we’re just some of the topics I was hearing and it depressed me enough that I turned the channel. I then found myself in the midst of a mini-marathon of the Walking Dead program which for me was even worse than the religious nonsense.
The bottom line was that I disconnected the damn TV and fell back on the good old reliable music that I love. I recently created a new playlist which is killer. It’s a collection of three of my all time favorite female blues singers, Anita Baker, Billie Holiday, and Amy Winehouse. It was absolutely wonderful with Billie singing Loverman, followed closely by Amy singing Back to Black, and then Anita bringing it home with Sweet Love. It just doesn’t get much better than that.
Back to this crazy project of mine. Over a ten year period back in the nineties I created a collection of collages containing articles and things from my life. Some were four feet square with an variety of other sizes as well. I called them my life panels. I always intended to have them framed and then put together to create a wall. Here I am twenty-five years later and even though they’ve been in storage for all of that time they still look pretty good. They’ve never been displayed at all but have moved from place to place with with me awaiting enough wall space to put them up.
This current man-cave of mine has slowly turned into someplace special but I still don’t have enough wall space. I solved that problem this week by turning my life panels into the ceiling above my computer desk. The picture that follows was taken as I was lying on my back on the floor looking up.
What better way to start 2015 than to resurrect my life panels and to display them proudly. I can now lean back in my chair and see more than twenty years of my life displayed for my enjoyment. Happy New Year to me. . . .
AND TO YOU!
Well these few days of peace and quiet after Christmas are really starting to lose their magic. All of this noiselessness is beginning to make me a little antsy and on top of that the weather is insanely mild. I’ve lived in Maine for a long time and I’ve never seen weather in the mid-fifties with sunshine the week before New Years Day. While its saving us a great deal of money in heating oil costs it’s still a bit unsettling.
Yesterday was warm and sunny and there was no way we were staying home. We spent a good part of the day in the city of Portland and the surrounding area. We had a quick snack while on the road for lunch because we were planning on dinner at my favorite restaurant later in the day. It’s only my favorite restaurant because they serve the best damn catfish I’ve ever had. It’s called Famous Dave’s and it’s menu is good old down home southern food all the way. Lots of BBQ and an entire table full of hot sauce choices which make me sweat just thinking about them.
We ate until we were stuffed and I even tried two of their moonshine margaritas. It’s moonshine instead of tequila with the glass rimmed with salt flavored with BBQ sauce. I know it sounds a little strange but they are delicious. They also require the assistance of a designated driver because after just two they tend to make you a little weak in the knees.
We’re planning for a quiet New Years celebration with Chinese food, two glasses, and a bottle of good champagne. After that good meal we’ll settle in for some of the celebrations scheduled on the always helpful television. Watch the ball drop, get a long and mushy kiss, drink some champagne and slide quietly into bed. The better-half works early the next morning so we can’t really make a late night of it.
If you’re driving or going out for the evening be sure to bring along a good designated driver or hire a limo but by all means be safe. Start the new year off properly without any DUI’s, accidents, or worse.
HAPPY 2015
With New Year’s approaching I’ve begun to think about my resolutions for 2015. In preparation for the new list it only makes sense to review last year’s resolutions. It might be necessary to use a few of them that I failed to live up to again this year.
2014
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Read five books a month. COMPLETED
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Teach the grandson one curse word per month once he begins talking. He still isn’t talking enough to complete this one. FAILURE
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Keep the number of F-bombs below 100 a week. COMPLETED
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Drink less brandy than last year but more than next year. COMPLETED
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Spend less than $300.00 at Dunkin Donut for the entire year ($25.00 per month). . . . as of 12/28/2014 $391.32. BIG FAILURE
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Stop dancing naked near the picture window in the living room, it scares the neighbors. I managed to stop the dancing but not being naked seems impossible for me. FAILURE
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Fight to my last breath to keep chickens and goats from becoming part of my life. COMPLETED
Four completed out of seven seems pretty good to me but I need to improve that next year. I’d really like just once to complete all of them but I always seem to get sidetracked with other stuff. I may need a few easy ones for 2015 that won’t require me to work so hard. With that thought in mind here is my new list.
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I vow to exercise for forty-one minutes every other day for the entire year.
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I vow to call President Obama nasty names only during months with an "R" in them.
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I further vow to never say anything good about President Obama in months without an "R".
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I vow to never blurt out any F-Bombs in front of the grandson now that he has started repeating damn near everything.
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I vow to say many more F-Bombs around those people (except the grandson) who irritate, annoy or piss me off.
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I vow to stop flirting with just anyone. There are times when I feel like such a slut and that’s not always a good thing for my self esteem.
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For the third year in a row I vow not to prance naked anywhere near the front picture window. It creeps out the neighbors and one or two of our regular joggers.
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I also vow not to screw with my cat as much this year due to his advanced age and sharp claws.
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I vow to take at least 500 really good photographs a month.
I’ll do my first review of these new resolutions sometime in June. Hopefully I’ll be on track to complete every one for the first time. As always the road to hell really is paved with good intentions.
HAPPY NEW YEAR
Finally Christmas has come and gone. For me it was the longest Christmas season of my life. The retailers started their season well before Halloween and it increased in intensity every week. It wasn’t all that bad but it truly was annoying at times.
The house is quiet for the first time in a week and while I had a great week it was also exhausting. The visitors and family have returned to their homes safely and for that I’m grateful. I ate too damn much, drank a little more than I should have, and helped spoil the hell out of our grandson. It was all good until I climbed back onto my treadmill yesterday. I thought I was gonna die.
Christmas Day was insane as you can see from the pictures. The grandson was sitting in the middle of the debris and I just thought I’d tell you that my cat is also in there somewhere.
“Stuffing”
My bird turned out great and so did the better-half’s special family stuffing recipe. The day after we all had cold turkey sandwiches that we’re almost as good as eating it fresh from the oven. I see a huge turkey pot pie in my future and after that the remains of that poor bird will make an excellent soup. If I could figure a way to eat the bones I would. I’m a true carnivore. Here’s the before and after photos of that delicious bird.
“Before”
“After”
I suppose we’ll be keeping the decorations up until New Years has but there’s more going on there than even you can imagine. A few days ago my step- daughter made a comment that she knew me and was sure that the Christmas tree would be down and packed away before 2015. After some discussion my better-half and I decided to do something totally off the wall and outside the box. It looks as if we’re going to keep the tree up for all of 2015. Each month it will be decorated for any holidays that fall during that month. Next up will be the Valentines Tree but before that the Superbowl Tree will be killer.
Each months pictures will be posted of the tree and copies forwarded to the all knowing step-daughter as well. I’ve accepted her challenge and it should be a hoot.
HAPPY NEW YEAR
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