Archive for the ‘History’ Category
I’ve talked a great deal over the years about my experiences while serving in the Army. As with any young man or woman serving outside of this country, being away from home and family during the Christmas season for the first time is difficult. In my case I was not only away from family, I was in a non-Christian county that seemed to be more than a little primitive to me.
Their religion was primarily Buddhist and the Christmas holiday meant very little to them. They at times pretended to understand but that was motivated entirely by their desire to make money from visiting Americans.
At the time I was stationed in an area that was primarily populated by rice farmers living in small villages that dotted the northern countryside. There were no paved roads and most villages only had electric power for a few hours a day. For those of us from the United States it was like traveling back in time a hundred years.
I was living almost full time in a local village and actually had my laundry taken to a local river where it was beaten on the rocks with wooded paddles and soap. That certainly took some getting used to for me. My Korean friends seemed totally befuddled by the entire Christmas holiday bro-ha-ha and sat silently as I tried to explain it to them. They were interested in my stories of Christ and the Magi, but the virgin birth story had them all silently giggling a little.
Regardless I was determined to have a Christmas celebration so I asked a few of my them for their help in putting up a Christmas tree. They agreed to help but weren’t exactly sure what I was up to. As that project was progressing I had a little old mama-san ask me through an interpreter why would any sane person put a tree inside their home. I was hard pressed to answer her because I didn’t know the reason either. They continued to humor me as I explained other peculiarities that they couldn’t quite grasp.
A week or so later with two Korean friends I hiked up a nearby mountain near a small Buddhist temple to find a tree. We ended up dragging back the sorriest looking bush you could ever imagine, set it up in my hooch, and started to decorate it as best we could. There was a hand-made star on top of the tree (my doing) and a number of pieces of charcoal tied to the branches with twine (their doing). I never had that fully explained to me but it was what they wanted to do. It had something to do with good luck or good pregnancy or something. Since we had no electricity they suggested placing candles in and around the tree but I nixed that immediately. The last thing we needed was to burn down my hooch and a portion of the village when a little, dry, and nasty looking tree, bust into flames.
I had some GI decorations I made from C-rations that looked stupid as hell but they loved it. Later we ate most of the decorations and drank a bottle of really cheap brandy that I’d brought along for the occasion. I presented them each with a small gift of candy and got a little kiss on the cheek from everyone.
I was still a little homesick but that weird little celebration came to mean a lot to me over the years. It was cozy, friendly, and more than a little strange but it was also genuine. They forever became part of my extended family because they’d made an effort to help get me through a very difficult time. Christmas, the holiday, had very little meaning to them but they realized how important it was to me.
I still wonder to this day if any of them have fond memories of that night and think about it occasionally. I also hope that all of my comrades-in-arms who are away from home this Christmas are lucky enough to find some friends like I did.
Please keep them all in your thoughts and prayers.
14 SHOPPING DAYS LEFT TIL THIS ONE
It’s just seventeen more days to Christmas. I realize that’s not a big secret to any of you so let me continue. There’s seventeen days left until Christmas and for the first time in my life I’m suffering a little from sunburn. Can you believe that? The weather here in what is normally cold and snowy Maine defies belief. It’s been bright and sunny for the last week with daytime temperatures climbing into the mid fifties. U.F.B.
Two days ago I found myself digging into the storage area where I placed the deck furniture two weeks ago, looking for my chaise lounge. I dragged it out onto the deck and set it up in the place that gets the most sunshine at this time of the year. As I was doing that I couldn’t help thinking how absolutely crazy it was.
I was wearing a short sleeved “Guns and Roses” T-shirt and a pair of shorts which is also a bit ridiculous but "what the hell", I plopped down with a hot cup of hazelnut coffee and my I-Pod. I was able to relax for a few hours listening to a little Amy Winehouse and a lot of Harry Chapin. It was the most pleasant experience I’ve had in weeks. No cell phone calls, no annoying text messages, and no visitors. Just Harry, Amy, Me, and my cat. I have to consider this my first and best Christmas gift for 2015 and it’s one I gave it to myself.
As I stepped into the shower later after my workout I suddenly remembered that hot water on a semi-sunburned body hurts like hell. I received just enough sun on my arms, face, and neck to make that shower a little torturous. It was a good pain and if I’m really lucky I may get one more chance to do it again tomorrow since the weather forecasting geniuses are calling for more sunshine.
Another plus is that my tanned face will make my white beard look even whiter. I was asked by a toddler in line at a Walmart register a few days ago if I was Santa Clause and what could I say to the little guy? I lied through my teeth, of course, and told him “Yes I was”. I then asked him if he’d been a good boy this year and of course he lied right back at me. He said he’d been good all year. His mother was standing behind him smiling and shaking her head with a big "No". It made my day and I think it made his too. He got to meet, greet, and lie to Santa Clause. How cool is that?
This is slowly becoming the weirdest Christmas I’ve ever had and believe me that’s a good thing because I absolutely love "weird".
SIXTEEN SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
‘Christmas Eve in Maine.’
How is your holiday season progressing? Are your preparations ahead of schedule or behind? Is your Christmas tree real or artificial? Are your kids driving you crazy yet? Has your alcohol consumption increased progressively with the holiday pressures? All really good questions but as we all know they’re rhetorical.
The drumbeat of Christmas is getting louder each day. I go to sleep thinking about what I’ve accomplished that day and wake up thinking about all of the stuff that I still need to accomplish today. I am so full of Christmas cheer I could scream out loud. After rereading this paragraph I think I discovered something else I must be full of. You get my drift, right? I’M LOSING IT MAN!
Here is my kitchen table as I found it this morning:
Trust me when I tell you the entire living room and family room look exactly like it as well. I’m knee deep in Christmas and there’s still 18 shopping days left. It could take us until sometime in February to repack all this stuff and I can’t wait. At least the damn cat seems to be enjoying himself:
I haven’t had my breakfast yet but since I can’t eat in the kitchen I may retire to the deck and eat there. That’s right, the sun is shining and it’s still warm enough to sit outside and have breakfast. It’s madness I tell you.
Even Mother Nature appears confused by the weather. I took a stroll around the property yesterday for no other reason than to get a little sun on my pasty white body. I found this lonely little flower in the side yard. One stupid dandelion that’s decided it’s really not December but April. I can officially say this is the latest I’ve ever seen any flower growing and blooming.
‘The all-time dumbest flower on the planet.’
I’d like to continue on with this post but I’m getting the evil eye from my better-half. It’s time to get back to my Santa duties. Everything has to be just perfect for the grandsons when they arrive (in two and a half effing weeks). Sorry about the language but all these red and green colors are finally getting to me or maybe it’s just my requested Christmas aneurism finally showing up.
I hope someone tells Santa just what a good boy I’ve been this year. He owes me big time.
I realized this morning that my Christmas spirit is a little different this year. In years past I’ve been identified by many people who care about me as being a bit of a Grinch. In other years they’ve considered me jolly and fun to have around in the holidays. Which is it this year?
I feel like I have a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde thing going on when it comes to Christmas. Most of the time my feelings for the holidays can go either way depending on who annoys me and who doesn’t. I have such mixed feelings about the whole Christmas deal it’s difficult at times for me to celebrate much of anything.
While I myself am not all that religious, most of my best Christmas memories come from a childhood where religion was a huge part of the celebration. I’ve pretty much given up on it ever being a religious holiday again because over the years it’s morphed into much more of a secular celebration where buying and receiving gifts is everything.
I’ve been forced to reevaluate my entire Christmas experience this year with a new attitude. I’ve decided to be the best damn consumer I can be and spend money a little more freely than usual. Without the cloud of religion things become instantly clearer. Be nice to everyone, spend a lot of money, and make it about the kids and not much else. At least the emotions I’ll see on their little faces will be genuine and that’s as good as it gets anytime. Finding anything genuine at Christmas these days is almost as rare as finding a few honest men.
So bring on the kids and hopefully some of their legitimate Christmas spirit will rub off on all of the cynical types like me. That’s my Christmas wish for this year.
AND A POLITICALLY INCORRECT “MERRY CHRISTMAS” TO ALL
Now that Thanksgiving has come and gone and I’ve digested all that good food I’d like nothing better than to relax for a bit. Dream on fool, here comes Black Friday, Cyber Monday, Christmas, and New Years!
Meanwhile, here’s a quick look at our Thanksgiving table for this year. A luscious prime rib roast, asparagus, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, and a chilled bottle of honey mead. I have to say it was the best Thanksgiving meal we’ve had in recent memory. Hope yours was the same or even better.
Black Friday has also come and gone and fortunately for me I missed it completely. I missed all the large crowds of pissed off shoppers, the pushing, the shoving, the fighting, and the shootings that makes these holiday seasons so near and dear to my heart. There’s nothing like a little physical combat with pregnant women, kids, or anyone else for that matter who gets in the way.
It feels extra special to shove some old lady to the ground and to grab an item from her hands that you wanted more than she did. A big thanks once again to Walmart for costing a few people their lives and many others minor injuries and arrests. The almighty dollar rules absolutely in the world of Walmart with very little concern for the consequences of their actions. Nothing new, right?
‘Deck the Halls’
‘Happy Holidays’
‘God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen’
I’m not blaming all of these problems on Walmart because Target, Best Buy, and hundreds of others are just as guilty. My better-half and her daughter braved the crowds yesterday while I sat at home hoping they survived without injuries or incidents. They fortunately arrived home in one piece with more shopping war stories that I’ll be forced to listen to for another year. There are some traditions that need to go and Black Friday is one of them.
‘Absolute Lunacy’
This is the time of the year I thank God I’m claustrophobic. All the more reason to increase my on-line presence next year and never leave the freaking house.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND STAY OUT OF MY EFFING WAY
’A quote stolen from more than ten million shoppers.’
‘No Thanks’
Why turkey? The tradition started with the Pilgrims struggling to survive and supposedly the Indians brought them food, they had dinner together, and so it began . . . but why turkey? It could just as easily have been lobster or maybe even groundhog. I doubt seriously if I would have enjoyed a big, fat, roasted groundhog for Thanksgiving every November for the rest of my life but it could easily have happened. We could have easily combined Groundhog Day with Thanksgiving and had Punxatawney Phil as an entre.
‘This is Phil’s cousin Bill’
I guess we can blame or credit one lonesome Indian out foraging for food for our Thanksgiving tradition that ended up lasting for hundreds of years. What we haven’t been told is that he took the good food home to his family and stuck the Pilgrims with some scrawny turkey he had left over. That tradition has also created a number of cottage industries like raising turkeys by the millions for our eager consumption and all of the accompanying paraphernalia required to prepare them.
‘Bill Before’
Don’t get me wrong I like turkey well enough but as a kid it was a special meal we had only once a year. These days we eat turkey year-round and have it readily available at food stores and even some gas stations and convenience stores. Not so special anymore, at least not for me.
‘Bill After’
This Thanksgiving is a unique one for both my better-half and for me. Most of our family members are spread across the country and the ones remaining in Maine are visiting other family in northern Maine. After some discussion we determined that because it’s just the two of us this year, we can do whatever the hell we like. They’ll be no turkey this year and trust me, there won’t be any roasted groundhog or lobster either.
This years feast will consist of some traditional items such as cranberry sauce, stuffing, corn, and squash. The meat of the day has been upgraded a little as well. Picture a large standing prime rib roast dripping flavor from every pore and as tender and soft as eating marshmallows. That’s what I call a proper dinner to give thanks for. I eat turkey on an average of three times a week and won’t miss having it on the table at all.
I hope this year goes well because this is a tradition that is long overdue and that I fully support. I may miss some of the turkey leftovers but truthfully I’ll get over it. I can taste and smell that prime rib already and it’s making my mouth water. A good bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon and the fixings’ and we’ll both be fat, dumb, and extremely happy.
SLEEP WITH ONE EYE OPEN PHIL, YOU NEVER KNOW.
It’s morning, it’s daylight, it’s cold, and I’m in my toasty bed reading a little Edgar A. Poe. I occasionally fall back to the classics when I’m bored with reading my normal stuff and today is one of those days.
‘He’s got Trump Hair’
I’m not a fanatic about poetry like some, but I will read a little if and when I have time to waste. Most poetry does nothing for me since I’ve self-classified myself as an anti-poetry snob. My idea of good poetry are bawdy limericks and poetry that promotes laughter and good humor.
I have no idea why I started my day today reading some of Poe’s depressing poetic offerings. I did my very best to concentrate on his works, Spirits of the Dead, The Valley of Unrest, and it was a chore. He’s the only poet that can take something beautiful and make it seem tragic and misbegotten. Man that guy had some serious issues.
I finally gave up on Poe when I started feeling depressed and put upon by his words. I moved over to an essay by one of my all time favorites, Mark Twain, or Samuel Clemens if you insist. He was renowned for being a spectacularly glib wise ass which immediately endeared him to me. His thoughts contained in “On the Decay of the Art of Lying” are just plain funny and sarcastic. Here’s a sample:
“The saying is old that truth should not be spoken at all times; and those whom a sick conscience worries into habitual violation of the maxim are imbeciles and nuisances.” It is strong language, but true. None of us could live with an habitual truth-teller; but thank goodness none of us have to. An habitual truth-teller is simply an impossible creature; he does not exist; he never has existed.
Everybody lies – every day; every hour; awake; asleep; if he keeps his tongue still, his hands, his feet, his eyes, his attitude, will convey deception – and purposely. Even in sermons – but that is a platitude.
Anyone who disagrees with those statements is obviously living with their head deeply buried in the sand or deeply shoved up their ass. I’ve always been a fan of lying because lies serve many useful purposes. “Does my ass look big in this dress?”, “Of course not.’’, a beautiful, polite, required, and obvious white lie. We all have a million them and use them frequently.
Do you want me to explain lying to you when it comes to our political system and the liar that has been squatting in the “Peoples House” for the last seven years. That discussion would be totally rhetorical requiring no explanations or further conversations.
I think I could have supported Mark Twain as President only if he had the ability to select Edgar A. Poe as his Vice President. No there’s a pair that could have driven most of Congress right out of their every-lying minds. Throw in Donald Trump as Secretary of State and we’d have a unbeatable trifecta.
Enough of my musings. I’m going to roll over, hug my pillow, and say a prayer that the insanity that has had this country in it’s grip for seven years is slowly fading away. And who’s up next for the Dems but good old Hillary Clinton.
I find myself agreeing with a large block of voters in this country of both parties. We’re sick of hearing the names Bush and Clinton. To both factions, please just go away. You’ve done enough harm already and we don’t need any more.
‘Yikes”
‘OMFG Yikes Again’
I’m already on my third cup of coffee this morning and that good old caffeine buzz I’ve come to rely on has yet to rev my engines. I have a lot of errands to run today and need some serious motivation to get them all completed. The blessing is that my better-half is working which will keep her out of my hair (what little I have left) to prepare for her birthday dinner tonight. It’s difficult to get anything secret done around here and over the years she’s forced me to become even sneakier than usual.
She loves being surprised and each year that goes by it get tougher and tougher to come up with fresh ideas. I’ve purchased her a few gifts which I’m sure she’ll like because I am “The Man” when it comes to giving great gifts. As much as she likes being surprised I like doing the surprising. I can’t go into too many details because she reads this blog looking for clues. I’ve learned to be very careful in keeping important information as secret as possible.
She’s been feeling a little depressed coming into the holidays since it’s the first ones since the passing of her Mom. She’s usually a Christmas fanatic going totally bonkers with decorations and general X-mas silliness. She needs something to get her into the holiday spirit and I’m hoping we’ll have our first snowfall soon. That’s always been a kick-start for me and I think it will be for her as well. She’s also a shopping machine and quite possibly a few hours out in the crowds on Black Friday will help too.
I understand how she feels because I went through the loss of both my parents in the last eight years. My mother was a Christmas lunatic too and it’s still difficult to have Christmas and not think of her and my dad and Christmases past.
The saving grace this year will be the grandsons. Christmas has always been for the children and once the tree gets decorated and the kids come to visit, chattering on and on about Santa and reindeer, she’ll be just fine. They own her completely and a few smiles from them will make all the difference in the world. Then she’ll go crazy the last week before Christmas trying to make up for lost time which is what I’m hoping for.
Truthfully I’ve been a real Grinch for many years about Christmas but having the boys in our life is changing all that. I hope we both can find the holiday spirit once again. I’d love to have that feeling on Christmas morning like I did when I was eight years old.
It can’t get much better than that.
I’m one of those boring people who feels the need to constantly examine my life. I look at my past and judge myself, I look at my present and judge myself, and finally I look at my possible futures and judge that too. Also if I’m given the opportunity I’ll judge you as well. So not only am I a borderline addictive personality I’m a bit judgmental.
I’ve always suspected I had issues with addiction but never tried to delve into the why’s and wherefores until now. My list of addictions is long and began back when I was just an newborn infant. Here’s my list from my formative years in no particular order of importance:
Breathing
Breasts
Breast milk
Diapers
I was able to finally work through those minor addictions without the assistance of an expensive rehab program. I was well on my way to puberty where my list began to grow and become more interesting.
Breasts
Legs
Butts
Pornography
Sex
Puberty not only changed me physically but also intellectually. I understood at age thirteen that these addictions unlike my toddler list would likely become permanent. And guess what? I was somewhat correct. I resigned myself to learning to live with my addictions and to make the best of them. It was a dirty job but I stepped up and made the required personality adjustments to deal with them.
My teen years were interesting and a little frightening. My list again changed but was still manageable:
Sex
Breasts
Legs
French Blondes
Cigarettes
Beer
Pornography
College brought more changes and not all of them good. As the list increased so did my stress levels as you can plainly see:
Sex
Oral Sex
Brunettes
Blondes
Red Heads
Breasts
Beer
Whiskey
Marijuana
Wine
I learned a lot in those years but realized my life was in a rut so I dropped out of college and enlisted in the Army one step ahead of the draft board. This began another long, interesting, and scary adventure. Once more my list expanded a bit:
Sex
Oral sex
Oriental Women
Black Hair
Whiskey
Coffee
Cigarettes
Beer
Marijuana
Speed
Adrenaline
Wine
I returned home a few years later, much wiser and a much less addicted person. I was able to rid myself of many of my stupid addictions over the next two decades. Here are the final results after many years of really hard work:
Any Sex
Breasts
Coffee
Reading
Photography
Computers
Chocolate
Wine
Exercise
As you can see most of the exciting addictions in my life have slowly faded away. They were fun while they lasted but were discarded when they became dangerous or harmful. I’m now a much wiser and more boring person and I have to admit as I sit here quietly judging myself, I miss some of them a lot.
My list is certainly smaller but less dangerous and easily managed now. I expect this final list will remain with me forever.
The only addiction that stayed with me from infancy to the present day are “Breasts”. There’s no rehab programs to help me deal with them and I’m pretty happy about that. So thanks again Mom for the one lifelong addiction I’ve enjoyed the most and will continue to enjoy until the lid slams shut. I’d love to see the 12 step program for that addiction.
I know one thing for sure, I’d never miss a meeting.
Today feels exceptionally uninteresting. It’s a little blah, a little gray, and a little cold which means I’m suffering from a total lack of interest. I was just advised by my better-half that I’d be spending the better part of this day being dragged along on her shopping safari. Thank God I recharged my Kindle last night so I’m now good to go. That means I get to sit in the car and read while she shops.
If I use my head and offer up a little charm I might just convince her to buy me some sort of breakfast. I have a serious need for bacon and I need it right now. I swear it’s a worse addiction than cigarettes or coffee. It’s maybe the only thing that keeps these shopping forays bearable for me.
This blog needs a bit of a breather from stories about my life and times. Today I’ll supply the world with a few really useless but possibly interesting tidbits of information. It’s been a while since I’ve dished out a dose of these factoids and today’s the day. Here we go . . .
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The average American two-car garage is 25 percent bigger than the average Tokyo home.
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The European Union exports more to Switzerland than to China.
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During the first year of the Nazi invasion of the Soviet Union, the Red Army issued 800,000 death sentences to it’s own soldiers.
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The first year in which there was no recorded lynching of a black American was 1952.
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There were 658 suicide bombings around the world in 2007 – more than double the number in any of the previous twenty-five years. Afghanistan and Iraq were responsible for 542 of them.
I didn’t say that all of the factoids would be funny or uplifting because life on this planet leaves a lot to be desired at times.
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In 1976, the United States had 30 percent of the world’s college students. By 2006, that had dropped to 14 percent.
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Intel employees collectively send or read 3 million emails a day.
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The Mafia accounts for 7 percent of the Italian GDP, more than any single business.
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There are as many fake doctors practicing in India as real ones.
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The average male orgasm lasts eight seconds, the average female orgasm twenty seconds.
I guess that last one explains a lot of things. Women not only orgasm longer but get to have multiples as well. That’s just unfair.
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In the United States, adult bookshops outnumber McDonald’s restaurants three to one.
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Napoleon often masturbated before going into battle.
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Red Bull is illegal in Norway, Denmark, and Ireland.
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In 2007, twenty-four people killed themselves jumping under Paris Metro trains. On the New York City Subway the figure was twenty-six, and on the London Underground fifty.
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Men produce twice as much saliva as women.
I think that’s enough for today. I wouldn’t want you to overdose on all this useless stuff. It’s Sunday, watch some football, drink a beer or two, eat some nacho’s and belch like you have a pair. That’s what I call “a day of rest”.
HAPPY SUNDAY
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