My Christmas season has taken a nasty turn earlier than usual. Just when I thought it was going to be a fun holiday, I made the mistake of visiting a Walmart. Now I’m finally able to return to my man-cave after being bedridden for three days. Even the painkillers weren’t able to improve my attitude. I was smiling a lot, but it was entirely because of the drugs, not the Christmas season. I won’t get into the specifics of the injury but just let it be said that Walmart restrooms can be hazardous to your health if you’re not careful. LOL.
I’ll be spending most of the remainder of the Christmas season stumbling around with a cane being my ever-so-pleasant self with the help of a few cannabis gummies and additional painkillers. Unfortunately, I was also forced to miss out on all of the decorating being done in the house (I’m so sad!). My better-half turned into an insane Christmas elf and if you were stupid enough to stand anywhere near her you would have been immediately covered with tinsel, garlands and small twinkling lights. My Christmas in hell fantasy had finally come to life. LOL again.
I searched and found another Christmasy cartoon that made me smile a little. I hope it properly conveys my Christmas message in a manner you can all appreciate.
I’ve spent most of my day dealing with a belligerent computer program that refuses to do its job. I shouldn’t be too upset since it’s a program I purchased about 10 years ago. I suspect that it has finally gotten to the point where my new computer is more than it can handle. It was a program used to write what I spoke. Now I’ll be forced to step back a few years and begin typing everything myself. I suppose I’ve gotten a little lazy over the years relying on that software. That being said I’m posting a few limericks today that were originally written sometime prior to 1960. Enjoy them unedited.
I’m feeling a little lazy today because I’ve spent the last 24 hours watching my better-half also known as the Christmas Elf lose her mind. She’s been pulling containers of Christmas memorabilia from the attic by the arm load. I know if I stand still for more than 5 minutes, I’ll be draped in garlands and blinking lights. We’ve got a huge assortment of lights purchased over the years, we got a mile of garlands, and an incredible number of little elves and holidays knickknacks on every available surface. I wish I was exaggerating but I’m not. I’m hiding in my man-cave attempting to keep a low profile and to keep Christmas from overflowing into my private space. I’ve been successful so far, but I hold little hope that it will last. It’s not that I’m a Christmas Grinch but I’m nowhere near as nuts about the holiday as she is.
I tried to hide yesterday but she kept finding me. Before I knew it and before I can say too much, I was assigned the duties of putting up the tree. Then there were the endless Christmas carols that she was singing to me while she prepared boxfuls of goodies that she’s sending to people and family all around the country. She’ll probably spend more money on shipping those boxes than she did on the gifts contained in them. I’m sure she sees it as her contribution to keeping the Postal Service profitable and I’m sure they’ll really appreciate her concern and generosity. My only contribution so far to the Christmas spirit of the household is contained in this cartoon from a few years ago that I saved and it pretty much describes my thoughts on this entire matter. LOL
Now that Thanksgiving has come and gone it’s time to get back to the basics of what this blog is all about, “Every Useless Thing”. To quote an authority, Bertrand Russell, “There is much pleasure to be gained from useless knowledge.” Since I totally agree with that statement, I really don’t need to say much more except enjoy this collection of useless knowledge.
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
The herb nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
Pearls melt in vinegar.
Volleyball is the most popular sport at nudist camps.
The buttons on a man’s jacket cuff were originally intended to stop manservants from wiping their noses on the sleeves of their uniforms.
Watching TV uses up to 50% more calories than sleeping.
On average, a drop of Heinz tomato ketchup leaves the bottle at a speed of 25 miles per year.
At any given moment, there are some 1800 thunderstorms somewhere on planet Earth.
No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven times.
Pollen lasts forever.
20% of the people in the whole history of mankind who have lived beyond the age of 65 are alive today .
Six out of every seven gynecologists are men.
Strawberries have more vitamin C than oranges.
If a pack-a-day smoker inhaled a weeks’ worth of nicotine, they would die instantly.
The human body is an amazing organism. It can create miracles by healing itself to survive unbelievably nasty injuries. That doesn’t change the fact that it can also be truly disgusting as we all know. Today’s Thanksgiving post will review some gross facts about the human body and the things that it has the ability to produce after eating a turkey and all the side dishes. A little gross but what isn’t. This should be on your mind as you chow down on your big meal today. LOL
URINE
The average person produces approximately 3 pints of urine a day. In the normal adult the bladder rarely holds more than about 3/4 of a pint of urine, with the urge to urinate coming at the 1/2-pint mark. More than one pint causes pain and an intense urge to urinate immediately.
FUN FACT: In Roman times gladiators would brush their teeth with urine and then gargle with it too. They believed it was good for their gums.
SPIT
Most people produce approximately 8 cups of spit a day. It’s produced by three sets of salivary glands around the mouth area. That works out to about 50,700 pints produced in the average human lifetime. Thats enough to fill a couple of large swimming pools.
VOMIT
In humans very often after one person begins vomiting, it triggers vomiting in others (emetophobia). Compared to other animals, humans are relatively light on vomiting. Big vegetarian whales vomit every 7-10 days to help get rid of anything inedible they may have swallowed by accident. Dogs not only vomit frequently, but they’ll also eat their own vomit. Probably the most vomitus animals, however, are cows, who digest otherwise in edible grass by regurgitating it into their mouths, chewing it for a bit, and then swallowing it over and over again.
FUN FACT: Emetophobia is the fear of vomiting and of being around others who are vomiting. It is the fifth most common phobia according to the International Emetophobia Society.
SNOT
Snot is a defensive function, stopping for example germs, dirt and pollen from getting into your lungs. The average person produces approximately 1/2 pint of snot per day. When you sneeze, up to six pints of air is blasted out of your lungs at approximately 100 miles per hour, along with any germs you may be carrying at the time. Sneezing is also the main way that illnesses like colds and flu are spread among humans.
FECES
If you add up all the time spent eating and drinking by an average human over the course of their entire life, it comes to approximately 5 years. This adds up to 33 tons of food, which is equivalent to eating six entire elephants. Unfortunately, what goes in must come out. Most of that mass is water that you lose through sweating, breathing, and peeing, or carbon that you breathe out in the form of carbon dioxide, while a lot of the rest goes into making new bits for your body that need replacing. The result is that during your lifetime you will produce a pile of feces about the size of a car.
FUN FACT: According to the World Toilet Organization, the average person visits the toilet approximately 6-8 times a day, or 2500 times a year, and spends three years of their life sitting on the toilet.
I thought today I’d make a quick comment about some of the responses I received to my Inappropriate Humor dirty jokes post. For those of you out there that don’t read everything, that’s why I rated the post an “R”, and I put warnings in the graphics to keep it out of the hands of kids or the blind, dumb, and stupid non-readers. It never occurred to me that there were adults out there who would respond to humor like a bunch of babies. So, to all of you prudes out there, just get over it. If you don’t like what I post, stop reading the blog and go elsewhere. You won’t be missed.
This post is filled with pearls-of-wisdom posted at one time or another by that very famous writer and philosopher, Anonymous. Celebrities and politicians are forever looking for soundbites to get little attention, but Anonymous could care less about offending anyone. Here are fifteen quotes you may enjoy but if your one of the overly sensitive minorities I recommend you leave my blog now and go read the Bible . . . .
“Churches welcome all denominations, but most prefer fives and tens.“
“And an optimist is someone who thinks the future is uncertain.“
“There are few problems in life that wouldn’t be eased by the proper application of high explosives.“
“Physics lesson: When a body is submerged in water, the phone rings.“
“Is sex better than drugs? That depends on the pusher.“
“Until I get married, I was my own worst enemy.“
“Monogamy leaves a lot to be desired.“
“There is nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won’t aggravate.“
“Christmas is Christ’s revenge for the crucifixion.“
With the holidays looming on the horizon, I thought some moderately dirty jokes might put a smile on your face. So, SMILE!
Q. What’s the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMS? A. Nothing.
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A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny miniskirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of your thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has no underwear. The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, “Are you looking at my pussy?” “Yes, I’m sorry,” replies the man and promises to avert his eyes. “It’s quite all right,” replies the woman. “It’s very talented. Watch this, I’ll make you blow a kiss to you.” Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.” The man, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do. “I can also make it wink,” says the woman. The man stares in amazement as the pussy cutely winks at him. “Come and sit next to me,” suggests the woman, patting the seat. As the man moves over, the woman quietly asks, “Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in it?” “Good God!” says the man. Can it whistle too?
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A man walks into a sex shop and tells the woman behind the counter he’s looking for a blowup doll. The woman asks, “Would you like a Christian or a Muslim doll?” Confused the man says, “What’s the difference?” “Well,” replied the woman, “the Muslim doll blows itself up!”
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Q. What’s green, slimy and smells like Ms. Piggy? A. Kermit’s finger.
😁😁😁
The kid comes home from school and says, “Mom, I’ve got a problem.” She says, “Tell me.” He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn’t understand. She asks him what they are. He says, “Well, pussy and bitch.” She says, “Oh, that’s no big deal. Pussy is a cat like our little Mittens and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy.” He thanks her and goes to visit his dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, “Dad, the boys at school are using words I don’t know, and I asked mom, and I don’t think she told me their exact meanings.” Dad says, “I told you never to go to mom for these kinds of matters, she can’t handle them. “What are the words, son?” He tells him, “Pussy and Bitch.” Dad says, OK, and pulls a Playboy down from the bookshelf. He takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, “Everything inside the circle is Pussy.” “Okay, Dad,” so what’s a Bitch?” Dad quickly said, “Everything outside that circle.”
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Q. What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore? A. A whore blows everybody at the party, and a bitch blows everyone at the party except for you.
It is said one should never sleep with their feet towards the door, because only corpses lie like that.
Some believe it is very unlucky to get out of bed backwards.
In Scotland, there is the belief that it is unlucky to leave the bed while making it. If the bed making is interrupted, the occupant of the bed will pass a sleepless night, or some much worse evil will befall him or her.
Some believe that if three people take part in making a bed, there is sure to be a death in the household with in the year.
CELEB SUPERSTITIONS
Lionel, Ethel, and John Barrymore always gave each other an apple on the night of a show’s premiere.
Jimmy Connors wouldn’t compete in a tennis match without a little note from his grandma tucked into his sock.
The late actor Jack Lemmon always whispered “magic time” as filming started on a new movie.
American inventor Thomas Edison carried a staurolite, a stone that forms naturally in the shape of a cross. Legend has it that when fairies heard of Christ’s crucifixion, their tears fell as these little “ferry cross” stones.
Actress Gretta Garbo always wore a lucky string of pearls.
Mario Andretti the famous racecar driver would not sign autographs with a green pen.
Actor John Wayne always considered it extremely lucky to be in a movie with fellow actor Ward Bond.
Baseball pitcher Randy Johnson always ate pancakes before a game.
Is it just me or is everybody obsessed with sports right now. The NFL’s leading the pack, but Caitlin Clark and the WNBA is running a close second. A few weeks ago, I posted a trivia quiz, and the response was excellent. Today’s post will be another quiz but totally dedicated to sports, sports fans, and trivia nerds like me. Let’s see how you do . . .
Sachel Paige
What pitcher made it into the Baseball Hall of Fame with a 28-31 major league win-loss record? The legendary Satchel Page, who played pro ball for 22 years reportedly winning more than 2000 of the 2500 games he pitched – before joining the majors in 1949 at the age of 42.
Who was the famous great-great-great-grandfather of San Francisco 49er quarterback Steve Young? Mormon leader Brigham Young.
What was Babe Ruth’s won-loss record as a big-league pitcher? 94-46
Why did the Cincinnati Reds baseball team send an autographed second-base bag to cowboy movie star Roy Rogers? The redbrick tenement that was his boyhood home once stood on the site of second base at Cincinnati’s Riverfront Stadium.
Babe Ruth
To boost his chances of retrieving a home-run ball, what baseball loving movie star paid $6537 for several hundred seats behind the left-field fence for a 1996 game at Anaheim Stadium? Charlie Sheen, who attended the game with three friends. They came up empty-handed when no homers were hit their way.
What Olympic requirement was waived for Princess Anne when she competed as an equestrian in the 1976 Summer games in Montréal? She was the only female competitor not given a chromosome DNA test.
Princess Anne 1976
How many field goals and how many free throws did basketball great Wilt “The Stilt” Chamberlain make in his famous 100-point game in 1962? Chamberlain, playing for the Philadelphia Warriors, scored 36 field goals and 28 free throws against the New York Knickerbockers in that historic game.
In 1927, when Babe Ruth hit his 60 home runs, two of those home runs were hit off a pitcher who was later elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Who was this multitalented individual? Ernie Nevers, who played baseball for the St. Louis Browns in 1926, 27 and 28 and football for the Duluth Eskimos in 1926 and 27, and then the Chicago Cardinals in 1929, 30 and 31.
Who was the first major league pitcher to be selected Most Valuable Player and also win the Cy Young Award in the same year? Don Newcomb, with the Brooklyn Dodgers, in 1956
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Well, how did you do? I have to admit these were some difficult trivia questions. I was disappointed with myself when I only scored two correct answers.
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