Archive for the ‘Just Saying’ Category
I’m about a month away from completing my fifth year of retirement. I think a celebration of sorts is called for because this has been one of the most difficult transitions I’ve ever had to make.
I’ve always been someone who readily adapted to change. I’ve lived in many places over the years as required by my jobs and I worked my way up the corporate ladder twice with two different national companies. I had hopes of a great retirement and pension but unfortunately both companies were purchased by other companies and neither survived that purchase. You adjust because you must. When there is no choice at all you pick yourself up and get back to work.
Fortunately that was one of the things my father made sure I had. I had no fear of hard work and I also had a killer work ethic. I worked my ass off for thirty years, 6 days a week, tons of travel, and change, change, change. I started three business over the years and had reasonable successes with two and failed miserably in the third. Shut up, get up, and keep on keeping on.
Making the change to early retirement was something I never thought I would get to do. I’d already excepted the fact that I’d be working until they found me slumped at my desk or in my car. As in all things timing is everything. After the failure of my two most important employers I took a public service position with the State of Maine. My fear of having another company hire me and then fail had sent me there. Whoever heard of a State going bankrupt?
The State of Maine surprised me a little. They didn’t go bankrupt but they did call me in to tell me my work load was going to increase by 30% without a comparable wage increase. I received a confidential call a short time later from a friend in the state capital who told me my position was on the chopping within two months. I had no choice and was lucky enough to be able take early retirement before the axe fell. Hooray for me right?
Making the transition from workaholic to retiree was the worst. I made the change immediately by giving Goodwill all of my suits, shirts, ties, and dress shoes. I threw away my wrist watch because it was no longer something I needed. It took at least eighteen months to find a comfortable rhythm for my life and to end the depression I was suffering with.
I hate making this sound like a sad story because it isn’t. I’m retired for God’s sake. How can I possibly be whining? I found these quotes recently that just made me laugh not because they’re all that funny but because they’re all so true. My sense of humor has gotten through a lot of change and it’s things like these quotes that really help.
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The money is no better in retirement but the hours are! — Author Unknown
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"According to your latest data if you retire today, you can live reasonably well until 5 p.m. tomorrow."— Dave Erhard
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My retirement plan is to find a shopping cart with good snow tires.
— Patty Doyle
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‘The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.’ Anonymous
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‘When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch.’ R C Sherriff.
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‘It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.’ Scott Elledge.
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‘There’s one thing I always wanted to do before I quit…retire!’ Groucho Marx
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Retirement kills more people than hard work ever did – Malcolm Forbes
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Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did – Robert Benchley
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What do gardeners do when they retire? – Bob Monkhouse
I love being retired. It gives a lot of freedom to do all those things I said I was going to do but never did. I spend most of my time concerned with the care and feeding of my better-half who is still caught up in the rat race. I try to be her stress reliever and to keep her as happy as I can. I may bitch and complain about a lot of things but my life is good. I’m what my Dad used to describe as, “fat (not too much), dumb, and happy”.
Today was all about relaxing. My better-half and I decided to just take the day, go where we please, relax a little, and we did just that. We had a great breakfast at home and then headed for the coast to snap some pictures. As expected traffic was heavier than usual with the influx of tourist beginning to increase. The summer season is almost upon us.
Our first stop was the Portland Head Light which is a light house on a point of land at the entry to Portland harbor. This is a favorite spot for tourists from all over the country if the license plates we saw today were any indication. My luck much be changing because just as we drove past the main entrance someone pulled out and left me the best damn parking spot you can get. We took plenty of pictures, spent some time in the gift shop, and then near the water watching the boats come and go. It’s a very relaxing place and the adjacent park was filled with kids and parents flying kits, throwing Frisbees, and playing ball. It was very nice.
We then left the park and drove through the suburbs of Portland and headed northwest out of the city. We drove at least a hundred miles in a large circle covering a large portion of southern Maine. We stopped to shop in a number of antique shops because I was hot to buy something today. Unfortunately for me my better-half was not. We saw many really cool things but ended up buying nothing at all. I found a working Dictaphone circa 1865 with a number of wax cylinders still intact and workable. It was in beautiful condition and I had a hard time walking away from it. For $150.00 it could have been all mine. It still may be mine. My better-half returns to wok tomorrow which may force me drive back to that shop and make the purchase anyway. Should I or shouldn’t I? I’ll know tomorrow when I get out of bed.
We had a great day together and it gave us a chance to reconnect after a few weeks of her hectic work schedule. We antiqued a little and then stopped along the road to see some lambs and take their pictures. I also got some great shots of my better-half chasing a flock of turkeys through a farmers field trying to snap pictures while running. It was really funny and I’ve got it all on my camera to be used later to embarrass her. Life is good.
We returned home tired but relaxed. She’s back to work tomorrow where the stress will start working on her all over again. Since this was my official Fathers Day celebration I was happy as I could be. Steaks on the grill later, a nice glass of wine or two, and hopefully a restful nights sleep afterwards. If you get my drift.
Today started out as a day to just lay back and take it easy. That’s usually an easy thing to do if you don’t leave the house. Once I’m out and about and see other people then my mind starts working overtime and sometimes not in a good way. I love people watching but they just make it so easy for me to criticize them.
I was heading to my bank for a little cash retrieval which should have been no big deal. I pull in line behind one vehicle and made the incorrect assumption I’d be on my way fairly quickly. Not a freaking prayer. I’m waiting and waiting and not moving. I open my door and what do I see? There’s a homeless guy standing at the drive-thru ATM getting some cash to carry him over for a few hours or maybe a few drinks. If you’ve got an account with money in it at BOA why are you homeless. I’ve seen that same dude every time I drive through this town standing at the side of the road at a main intersection begging for cans. It’s entirely possible he’s making more goddamn money than I am and he too has an account at Bank of America.
My better-half insisted after the ATM fiasco that we make a short visit to a local flea market. If she doesn’t buy at least one thing every day she goes into a weird shopper’s withdrawal. The flea market in question is well known for having some of the highest “bargain” prices in southern Maine.
We arrived there and the place is crawling with tourists. We got lucky and found a decent parking spot and then the fun began. I never know what I might buy in places like this until I see it and so I spent the next hour diligently looking through mountains of so called antiques (junk) with nothing catching my eye. I did notice one thing though. The prices for this crap were through the roof. I think we can thank those oh so popular American Pickers and the dozens of other TV programs that have convinced America that every piece of crap more than ten years old is a valuable treasure. Thanks for nothing TV.
I saw one item of interest which was four inches high and maybe three inches square, a hard carved wooded block. It was filthy dirty and had no price tag which is not a good sign. If there’s no tag it means the seller first checks out the potential buyer and charges them a price he thinks they can afford. I politely asked for the price and the guy tells me $80.00. I could only stand there until the shock wore off. I guess my comment" “you’ve got to be freaking kidding me” made him a little unhappy. He then proceeds to tell me that he purchased that exact piece for $400.00 in Kenya three years ago and has the paperwork to prove it. I then asked what the exchange rate was with Kenya at the time. Probably $200.00 Kenyan dollars for each American dollar. I just laughed and walked away with him chattering in the background.
That’s two hours out of my life I’ll never get back. It’s also the last time I’ll be visiting that place. I feel for those stupid and gullible tourists from all over the country being bamboozled into buying this junk for outrageous prices. Like P. T. Barnum always liked to say “there’s one born every minute”.
I’m a huge fan of the English language and I can honestly say I’m as surprised as anyone that I would or could ever say that and mean it. In high school and college I avoided English courses of any kind when possible. As the years passed I gained a real appreciation and love for the language and it’s many humorous uses.
I learned along the way that some people’s sense of humor was instrumental in how they named their children, their businesses, and even their pets. At times I really wondered what was going through the minds of parents who stuck their children with names that would haunt them for the rest of their lives. Was it just humor or were they intentionally being mean and nasty? Here are a few paragraphs of actual names of actual people who probably aren’t all that happy with their parent’s choices. As you’ll notice there are even a few celebrities included.
Al Dente, Anita Bath, Anne Teek, Armand Hammer, Art Major, Bud Light, Dick Head, Dick Trickle, Donald Duck, Frank Enstein, Gene Poole, Harry Sachs, Jim Shorts, Justin Case, Lewis N. Clark, Marshall Law, Mike Hunt, Mike Rotch, Myles Long, Olive Branch, Paige Turner, Peg Legge, and Polly Ester.
You just can’t make this stuff up. If I was saddled with any of these names I would have never forgiven my parents. Let’s continue with a few more.
Ray Gunn, Rick Shaw, Rip Torn, Rod N. Reel, Sal Minella, Seymour Bush, Shanda Lear, Sue Flay, Tanya Hyde, Tess Steckle, Virginia Breach, Wanda Hickey, Warren Peace, Will Power, Will Wynn, Willie Leak, and Willie Stroker.
As bad as some of these names are many people when starting a business do everything in their power to give it a name that will catch the attention of possible new customers. Here are a few names of drinking establishments that will do just that and no I haven’t visited them all.
The Ram Inn, The Happy Medium, Drunken Duck, The Elusive Camel, The Hung Drawn And Quartered, Spread Eagle, Dirty Dick’s, and Filthy Mc Nasty’s.
There is no end to the games that can be played with the English language and of course why would I not mention the ability of some of our illustrious strippers who use names that might just increase interest in their many and abundant assets.
Dixie Normas, July Raine, Skyy Bleu, Dalas Star, Mercedes Dawn, Lexus Paige, Shy Lynne, Stormy Wave, Stormy Weather, Candy Bar, Candy Kane, Alotta Fagina, Caramel DDelight, Rosy Hips, Venus Fly Trap, Cin DD, Candy Cox, and Bambi Thumper.
I don’t want you readers to think for a minute that I know theses stripper names from personal experience. If I really visited those kinds of establishments I probably wouldn’t live long enough to enjoy them. My better-half may not be the best shot in Maine but what she lacks in accuracy she makes up in the large amount of ammo she has available.
Just saying.
I’ve been having some fun with lists for the last week but I think it’s time to step back into journal mode to update a few personal things. With this continuing rain we’ve been having the garden has really taken off. Last year when I planted my first rhubarb plant after three months it was approximately one foot high and I was really concerned that it wouldn’t make it through the winter. As of yesterday that stupid plant is now over six feet high and going strong. It looks like I’ll harvest enough seeds from it to plant a few more places around the property. You just can’t have too much of that wonderful stuff around since this years current price is hovering around $3.80 a pound. That s just highway robbery in my view so the more I grow the better.
Last weekend I spent a portion of Saturday doing the ceiling fan shuffle. I installed a new sleeker model fan with a light kit in our bedroom and a matching fan without a light kit into the room I spent all winter remodeling. The remodeled room is almost ninety percent furnished with nothing left to do except put a organizer system into the closet. It looks freaking fabulous. I then took the old fan from our bedroom and installed conveniently into my man cave directly above my computer desk. That will make for a nice cool blogging summer.
Tonight we were invited to my better-half’s daughter’s home for shish kabobs on the grill. With the school year almost over she’s preparing for her first summer vacation with the new baby. After teaching everyone else’s kids all year, she can now spend some quality time with her son. I see a lot of beach time in his immediate future which he will probably love. We were able to catch up on things a little and enjoyed the meal and conversation immensely. We made an early night of it and returned home with full bellies and smiles on our faces. It was a very nice visit.
We’re do for what looks like two or three more days of rain which is always badly needed to keep the garden healthy. That should give me enough time to continue work on a project I started more than a year ago. I’ve been working off and on a somewhat strange abstract bust of my better-half and I’m finally making some real progress on it since the room remodel was completed. I recently finished the hair which was a tedious job and within a month I should have this project finally completed.
We’re having a really great start to the Spring and Summer and plans are already taking shape for a long weekend to the wilds of northern Maine to get into the woods and take as many pictures as necessary to fill every memory card we have.
We also have an obligatory two day trip to visit her family in Rhode Island which should be fun too. This could actually turn into a rather nice summer barring any unplanned catastrophes. We plan on enjoying it as much as we possibly can before the next long winter begins. I might even be talked into a night at the amusement park in Old Orchard Beach. You’re never too old to jump on a ride or two and have a little fun.
Enjoy your summer.
I have a lot of fun teasing my female readers but I hope they understand that it’s all done with my tongue firmly implanted in my cheek. I’m positive being a women is no bed of roses these days because almost every women I’ve ever known has spent a great deal of her time and mine telling me about it. I’m really very sympathetic to their plight but for the most part I have no easy answers or solutions for them.
Here are a few things I know would happen if I were suddenly turned into a warm, soft, built, attractive, and fire breathing woman with a man’s attitude and outlook on life. I suspect that slutiness would have a new poster girl. I’d find it extremely difficult to keep my panties on if I actually chose to wear any. I’d be like that famous women of yore who was known as a real "man eater". Married women would hate me, single women would envy me, and men would desire me. I’d give it up (if you know what I mean) at every opportunity much like General Robert E. Lee gave it up at Appomattox.
Like most women I’d refuse to admit my age and would do everything in my power to remain young looking and sexually active like good old Mae West did. One of her favorite quotes was "I’m not concerned about the men in my life, it’s the life in my men that worries me." That’s not an exact quote but you get the idea. After reading Mae’s quote I decided to search out a few more informative female quotes pertaining to aging and life as a senior. Here are a few quotes and short poems to help you ladies enjoy this posting even more.
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Please don’t retouch my wrinkles. It took me so long to earn them.
~ Anna Magnani
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You’re not 40, you’re eighteen with 22 years experience. ~Author Unknown
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After 30, a body has a mind of its own. ~ Bette Midler
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Getting old ain’t for sissies. ~ Betty Davis
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It’s sad to grow old, but nice to ripen. ~ Brigitte Bardot
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Forget about the past, you can’t change it.
Forget about the future, you can’t predict it.
Forget about the present, I didn’t get you one."
– Unknown
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Nature gives you the face you have at twenty, but it’s up to you to merit the face you have at fifty. ~ Coco Chanel
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The really frightening thing about middle age is that you know you’ll grow out of it. ~ Doris Day
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We know we’re getting old when the only thing we want for our birthday is not to be reminded of it. ~ Unknown
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I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart. ~ Unknown
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You’ve had many many birthdays,
Too many for me to mention,
But there’s still one or two more
Before you draw your pension.
~ Unknown
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Life has got to be lived – that’s all there is to it. At seventy, I would say the advantage is that you take life more calmly. You know that "this, too, shall pass!" ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
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Looking fifty is great–if you’re sixty. ~ Joan Rivers
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If you survive long enough, you’re revered-rather like an old building. ~ Katherine Hepburn
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The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. ~ Lucille Ball
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I like my bifocals,
my dentures fit me fine,
my hearing aid is perfect,
but Lord I miss my mind!
-Unknown
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do. ~ Phyllis Diller
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Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs. ~ Unknown
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"They say that age is all in your mind. The trick is keeping it from creeping down into your body." ~ Unknown
As for all of you men out there, don’t worry I’ll be sure to dedicate a posting only for our gender at some future time. I thought it was only proper to give the ladies their due after all the fun I’ve been having at their expense in recent weeks.
Yesterday’s posting was all about my misadventures in the land of female fantasies. I think I learned a little from some of the comments by my female readers and I appreciate that. I’m pretty sure none of the information will improve my sex life but I do feel a little smarter than I did yesterday. Today is a new day and my interest has changed into a discussion of why men feel fortunate to be men.
It makes no sense for me to try and create a list of men’s sexual fantasies. The list would be endless and as all of you women out there suspect many of the fantasies would be more than a little perverted. So my job today is to explain simply and unprevertedly (my new made up word) why we’re so happy to be men.
After cruising around the net today I found a few interesting sites that contained discussions and suggestions on the reasons why men are happy to be men. Some of the reasons are funny, some are stupid, some are ignorant, and in my humble opinion they’re all true. I’m sure most men will agree that the following list is closer to the truth than we’d like to admit. I found hundreds of reasons articulated by many intelligent and semi-intelligent people but eliminated pages full of the more stupid and senseless. I settled on these twenty to try and make my point. They are listed in no particular order of importance. Just finish this sentence:
WE LOVE BEING MEN BECAUSE . . . . . .
- The world is our urinal and we’re not afraid to use it.
- We can buy condoms without cashiers trying to picture us naked.
- We can rationalize any behavior with the phrase "Screw it."
- We require movie nudity to be female and frontal.
- A week long vacation requires only one suitcase.
- All of our orgasms are real.
- A beer gut doesn’t make us invisible to the opposite sex.
- We have the ability to pee alone.
- No one secretly wonders whether we swallow.
- We can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
- If we’re in our thirties and single, nobody notices or cares.
- We can write our name in the snow.
- We get to think about sex 90% of our waking hours.
- Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
- We don’t give a rat’s ass if anyone likes our hair.
- We can sit with our knees apart no matter what we’re wearing.
- We don’t have to leave the room to make a crotch adjustment.
- If we retain water, it’s in a alcoholic beverage.
- We’re never not in the mood for sex.
- Porn movies are designed with our mind in mind.
I’ll apologize now to all of you female readers. I actually feel bad for you because some of these reasons are pretty cool but you’ll never get to experience or appreciate them like we men do. You just need to remember that there are just as many pluses in being a woman as a man and I’m sure I could compile a pretty good list. I’ll give it a little more thought over the next few weeks and possibly come back with a list for you ladies.
I’ve always considered myself to be an ambidextrous person which has made it necessary for me to read anything I can find on the subject. There are arguments and discussions both pro and con as to whether a person is really ambidextrous or just cross-dominant. Cross-dominance apparently is defined as the ability to use either hand for specific tasks but not being able to use both hands for all tasks. That sounds confusing I know so further discussion is required.
As a child in elementary school I began writing with my left hand almost immediately. Teachers in those days actually discouraged left-handedness and required those children to write with their right hands. I was chastised enough that I soon learned to write right-handed and have been doing so ever since. Oddly enough I can still right with my left but not quite as clearly. This was just the start of right-handed people attempting to change me. To a young kid it was a bit traumatic and created a great deal of confusion for me.
I was heavily into sports and the problem was again raised almost immediately. As I began training I wasn’t sure which hand I wanted to throw with. Attempts were made to force me into right-handedness but I fought against it this time. The end result was a successful career as a baseball player who threw and batted both ways. I pitched a number of Little League games over the years using either hand. In one game I actually pitched a portion of a game right-handed and when my arm tired, finished the last few innings left-handed. I felt good about it since it caused people to finally leave me alone to my mixed abilities.
Growing up our family was not wealthy or well-to-do so I was forced to make other compromises. My father was an avid golfer and started me golfing at an early age. I was taught to golf right-handed because the cost of left-handed clubs at that time was out of our reach. Many years later as a joke I rented a set of left-handed clubs at a local course and actually shot a reasonably decent score much to my Dad’s surprise. It took a while for me to make the adjustment back to left-handed but I was thrilled I was able to pull it off.
There are a few real benefits to being ambidextrous. I can hammer and nail with both hands and I can paint with either hand (artistically or house painting). It makes painting and hammering less tiring when you can switch off when necessary. I also found I had an unusual ability to write with both hands simultaneously. With my right hand I write normally and with the left I am able to write backwards. It’s a useless talent but has won me me a lot of drinks in a lot of bars over the years. Also being able to pick one’s nose with either hand is an ability your all probably jealous of. I still have no answer as to which category I fall into but that’s okay, it’s taken years but I’ve adjusted to it either way.
I only hope that kids with the same abilities aren’t still being manipulated to be something their not. Whether your a lefty or a righty doesn’t really matter. What does matter is that you be permitted to be what you are, not what someone else thinks you should be.
I love history and looking back at this country’s politics. It’s my attempt to learn how the system could have deteriorated to where it is today. It doesn’t take a genius to watch and listen to today’s representatives and senators to identify the issues that are driving us crazy. Bad habits are usually a learned response and our current gang of politicians have learned their lessons well. Many of these bad habits have been passed down over the years from one group of politicians to another and been finely tuned.
It seems obvious to me that there are three main priorities; money, re-election, and power. They raise huge amounts of money to accomplish priority number one which in turn helps them to accomplish priority number two. Once re-elected they can pursue their third priority, power, which they all seem to crave. The fact that most of the money spent for reelections eventually works it’s way back into the hands of corporate America must must be a fortunate happenstance. Yeah right!
One of my major criticisms is that they all seem to be concerned only with getting on TV first with a cutesy “sound bite” before their competitors. It doesn’t seem to faze them that they never have anything of consequence to say just ten second quips for those ever-present media cameras.
Since I agree whole-heartedly with this criticism I decided to determine exactly when and where it all started. The use of campaign slogans began well before the current Media became so powerful and demanding. Back in the day they reported what was occurring in the country in an unbiased fashion. They weren’t involved in creating the news as they are today. The “straw that broke the camels back” for me was when big corporate American began buying up the most influential media organizations. The unbiased history of the Media was for the most part a thing of the past. As I searched around I found the following campaign slogans in use going all the way back to 1840. They started out cutesy and entertaining but slowly became hurtful and nasty at times. This is just a small sampling of old and new irritating slogans that may have helped kick started the “sound bite” revolution.
Tippecanoe and Tyler, Too – 1840
Fifty-Four Forty or Fight – 1844
Equal Rights to All; Special Privileges to None – 1900
Stand Pat with McKinley – 1900
He Kept Us Out of War – 1916
Back to Normalcy – 1920
Keep Cool With Coolidge – 1924
A Chicken in Every Pot; A Car in Every Garage – 1928
In Hoover We Trusted and Now We Are Busted – 1948
One Good Term Deserves Another – 1934
I’m Just Wild About Harry – 1948
To Err is Truman – 1948
Phooey on Dewey – 1948
I Like Ike – 1952
I Still Like Ike – 1956
In Your Guts You Know He’s Nuts – 1964
Never Been Indicted – 1980
It’s the Economy, Stupid – 1992
Hope and Change – 2008
Apparently we citizens always were always suckers for “sound bites” even when they were just called “campaign slogans”. Maybe it’s time we the voters change how we approach politics. Maybe I’m an idiot if I really believe that’s even possible. I’ve lost most of my faith in the American voter which requires me to remain even more skeptical and critical of anything remotely related to politics.
What would you rather see? Janet Jackson’s nipple or a newborn baby cooing to his mother?
What would you rather hear? President Obama’s reassurances that everything will be alright or a love song from Taylor Swift.
What would you rather taste? Lemon juice or whipped cream.
What would you rather smell? Someone’s body odor or freshly baked bread.
What would you rather touch? The sharpness of a razor blade or the fur of a kitten.
I’ve just given you a tour of the five human senses which everyone is endowed with, allegedly. Common sense should make the answers to these questions really obvious. You have just experienced your first poll here at Every Useless Thing. I can report the following results:
15% of my readers hate cooing babies.
15% of my readers hate Taylor Swift.
85% of my readers hate lemon juice.
15% of my readers love body odor.
85% of my readers hate razor blades.
My poll is just as ridiculous as most of those polls you hear being mentioned on the news all too frequently. I was recently called by some BS polling outfit who began asking me a series of political questions so slanted and biased I was stunned. Would you rather die a horrible death or approve Obamacare?Would you rather pay a few more dollars in taxes or see your children die? Would you rather vote for someone who wants clean air or a Republican?
You get my drift I hope. Polls are just another way to manipulate the citizenry through biased and rigged questions by alleged experts who we’ve never heard of before and whose qualifications can’t be verified. It’s an easy matter for any of us to create a fictitious organization, give it an official sounding name, with official business cards and stationary, and release polling information slanted in our specific political direction. If the Media likes what it hears, the poll will be broadcast on the news for days with the talking heads giving it their support. If they don’t like the results then it’s buried and never seen of heard from again. Since the great majority of media folks are self-proclaimed liberals you can see the problem.
This kind of manipulation was one of the things the fourth estate was to help identify and warn the population about. That was one of the checks and balances incorporated into our form of government by the Founders. The Media was to be our unbiased watch dog and protector against governmental abuses. With that protection slowly disappearing we’ve now become vulnerable to a government that wants to control every facet of our lives while the Medias stands by and applauds.
We should be worried because it’s been getting progressively worse every day.
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