Archive for the ‘Kill Me, I’m Begging You’ Category
I had so much fun yesterday I thought I’d continue with more interesting but totally useless information. Enjoy.
- The worlds largest pancake was cooked in England measuring 15 meters in diameter, weighed 3 tons, and contained approximately 2 million calories.
- “Lucifer” is Latin for “light-bringer”.
- One twenty-fifth of the energy released by an incandescent light bulb is light. The rest is heat.
- A “rusticle” is a rust formation similar to an icicle. It occurs under water when wrought iron rusts, as on shipwrecks.
- One ton of iron will produce a ton and a half of rust.
- The fly of a pair of jeans is the fold of cloth over the zipper, not the zipper itself.
- Twinkies are 68% air and 32% Twinkie stuff, which means you can pack three Twinkies in the same space taken up by only one.
- Throughout it’s lifetime, an elephant goes through six sets of teeth. The elephant starves to death once the sixth set of teeth falls out.
- The Spanish exclamation “Ole!” commonly heard at bullfights and flamenco dances, comes from Allah, meaning “Praise be to God”.
- The average lifespan of an NHL hockey puck is 7 minutes. Those that don’t fly into the stands are removed because they warm up from friction and bounce on the ice. Game pucks are chilled to -10 degrees Fahrenheit for maximum performance. They are kept in a freezer in the penalty box.
BE HAPPY, IT’S ALMOST FRIDAY
I’m always good for more limericks and today’s offering is from one of my favs, John Ciardi. I’ve been a huge fan of his limericks since reading the book he shared with Issac Azimov. Two crazy smart limerick aficionados.
For a friend . . .
In a lane, a young fellow named Cooper
Committed a terrible blooper.
He had his girl bare those with more
In his car, unaware
Of a vigilant nearby state trooper.
*****
A carefree young woman named Nola
At one time in a summer pergola
Took care of three men
Again and again
And did it on just Coca-Cola.
*****
A little adultery spices
Our lives, but just look at those prices!
If they charge all that dough,
Man can’t buy it, you know,
And there’ll be a frustrational crisis.
*****
The Times tells the world what is doing;
Who’s winning, who’s losing, who’s suing,
Whose striking, who’s stealing,
Who’s dying, whose healing,
But won’t say a word on who’s screwing.
*****
LIMERICKS RULE!
Living in rural Maine has some distinct advantages. Less noise, less people, lots of wildlife and just enough of a wilderness feel to keep me happy. Along with the pluses come a number of minuses. Do you like gnats, black flies, mosquitos, wasps, bumble bees and honeybees? If you do, then pack your bags and move to Maine. We have them all and then some. Also bring with you a few gallons of bug spray because if you leave the house without spraying down, you’ll be itching and scratching all day. With that being said I still love this place. Adjusting to insect life is a chore but people have been making that adjustment for centuries. Here are a few interesting facts about some of those pests.
- There’s an old wife’s tale that claims if you’re stung by a bee, you should rub grass on the sting and breathe on the grass while you’re rubbing the bite. It will bring you lots of good luck.
- If a bee flies into your home through a window, don’t kill it and don’t panic. It has been said that the bee is a harbinger of good news.
- If bees build their nest under the eaves of your home, none of your daughters will marry.
- Hornets are another matter entirely. If you kill the first hornet in the spring, that’s unlucky, but in England killing the first one means you’re very lucky.
- If wasps decide to nest in your home, it’s a sign you’re a miserly spendthrift and you’ll come to want.
- Looking back to ancient times it’s reported that Pliny the Elder claimed that to cure a fever you should catch a wasp in your left hand.
- Most ancient peoples believed that seeing a swarm of bees meant good luck, wealth, and success, no matter what continent they and the bees inhabited.
- Seeing a swarm of bees is one thing but having them settle on the ground, means someone will die. And if by chance a swarm lands on a tree branch in your yard, you will soon die.
- If while strolling outdoors and you see a bee fly by stay away from its nest. If you leave the nest undisturbed it’s likely you will shortly receive good news.
- It is very bad luck to kill a bee but if you accidentally kill one, keep the dead bug in your purse or wallet. This will supposedly bring you wealth.
It seems that our ancestors were just a tad superstitious about damn near everything. Regardless, there’s no way I’ll be carrying a dead bee around in my wallet. I have a bad history with stinging insects, and I think they know it. They’re always waiting in the bushes for me to cut grass or work in the garden, and then WHAM. They get me every time.
THANK GOD I’M SAFE IN THE WINTER
I have to admit I’m a bit of a “foodie”. At one time I was confident that the food systems in the United States were closely inspected. That was until I began learning additional facts that left me wondering what I’ve actually been eating. We are a country of laws (too many for sure) but these food facts are disturbing for me.
- Ground pepper must contain fewer than 475 insect fragments per 50 grams.
- No more than two rodent hairs, or 29 gnawed kernels, can be shipped in a pound of popcorn.
- Frozen peaches may contain up to 3% wormy or moldy fruit.
- Shelled peanuts must have fewer than 20 whole insects in a 100-pound bag.
- Canned pineapple cannot contain more than 20% moldy fruit pieces.
- Chocolate must contain fewer than 60 insect fragments per 100 grams, and no more than one rodent hair.
Here are a few additional food trivia facts.
- In China, the most popular use of Ketchup is as a condiment for fried chicken.
- The top-selling candy in the United States are M&Ms. Candy was invented in 1941 and named after its two inventors, Forrest E. Mars and R. Bruce Murrie. They debuted in 1954.
- The Haribo company produces roughly 100,000,000 gummy bears per day. If all of the gummy bears produced in a year were laid head-to-paw they would circle the earth four times.
- Each year Americans spend $9 billion dollars on candy.
- Out of each dollar spent at a movie theater’s concession stand, roughly $.85 is pure profit.
EAT UP
ENJOY YOUR BUG PARTS AND RODENT HAIR
It amazes me just how fast this year has flown by. It won’t be long here in Maine until I’m whining and complaining about the snow. Thinking about snow and ice is depressing most of the time but I’ll deal with it by writing about things that make me less depressed and bored. Being a formal high school and college graduate, I found the following statements to be funny and sad. Funny because some are ridiculous and sad because they’re all taken from actual high school and college exams. This collection mostly concerns Music Appreciation ad Music History.
- A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
- The principal singer of 19th-century opera was called the pre-Madonna.
- An interval in music is the distance between one piano to the next.
- Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.
- A tuba is much larger than its name.
- When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would anybody.
- I can’t reach the brakes on this piano.
- The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.
- The correct way to find a key to a piece of music is to use a pitchfork.
HIGHER EDUCATION IS THE ULTIMATE OXYMORON
I’m feeling a little silly today and I’m not entirely sure why. A good night’s sleep, some weird dreams, and a great cup of coffee. and “Ta Da”, here I am! I’ll start today with some true silliness. As I was surfing around yesterday, I stumbled upon a website called unijoke.com and it had a collection of jokes about “Little Johnny”. I’ve loved those jokes for many years, and I found one on that site that made me laugh out loud. That’s my criteria for determining funny. Here it is . . .
A teacher asks her class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Little Johnny says “I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch I can find with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day”. The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. “And you, Susie? ” The teacher asks. Susie says “I wanna be Johnny’s bitch.”
Almost everyone loves Rock-and-Roll music except maybe for those Country & Western folks and the Hip-Hop idiots. I was thinking about all of the silly names’ musicians create for their bands to help them standout in the crowd. I’ll list a few oldies but goodies and I’m sure you can think of many more.
STOP CALLING ME FRANK
AFGHANISTAN BANANA STAND
BUDDY WHATSHISNAME AND THE OTHER FELLAS
THE COLOR FRED
THE NAUGAHYDE CHIHUAHUAS
QUESTION MARK AND THE MYSTERIANS
THE WELL I’M SURE I LEFT IT THERE YESTERDAY BAND
ME FIRST AND THE GIMMEE GIMEES
THE DISAPPOINTED PARENTS
SHE STOLE MY BEER
You have to admit those rockers had quite the imagination and used the hell out of it. The list of silly band names is never-ending but still fun. Here’s my final thought for today:
Why is a virginity like a balloon?
One prick and its gone!
AND SO, AM I!
I know how addicted our society is to celebrities and all of their odd comings and goings and I have yet to truly understand it. So, in the spirit of “giving the people what they want”, here are a few celebrity tidbits of information you may not have heard.
- Uma Thurman’s father was the first American to be ordained a Buddhist monk.
- Ben Affleck’s reformed alcoholic father, Tim, became Robert Downey Junior’s drug counselor.
- The fathers of Robert Duvall and Jim Morrison were admirals in the U.S. Navy, while Kris Kristofferson’s father was a US Air Force general.
- When Michael Caine was a child, his mother pasted his ears to his head to stop them from sticking out.
- David Schwimmer’s mother is the attorney who handled Roseann Barr’s first divorce.
- The mothers of Oscar Wilde, Peter O’Toole, Ernest Hemingway, General Douglas MacArthur, Bill Tilden and Franklin D Roosevelt dressed their sons as girls for the first few years of their lives.
- Uma Thurman’s mother had been married to Timothy Leary of LSD fame before marrying Uma’s father.
- The fathers of Judy Garland, Jacqueline Onassis, Liza Minnelli, and Anne Heche were all gay.
- Rachel Weisz’s father invented the artificial respirator.
- Julianna Margulies’s father wrote the “Plop, Plop, Fizz, Fizz” jingle for Alka-Seltzer.
I hope all you celebrity lovers out there enjoying these little factoids. There’s many more that I’ll share with you over the coming weeks and months.
HAPPY HUMP DAY
Unfortunately, the word “Greed” is used to describe our country by many foreigners and also from many of our own citizens. I can’t say that I disagree because in too many cases it’s absolutely true. “Money is the root of all evil” immediately comes to mind when I hear that word. It’s not something we should be proud of but “It is what it is.” I thought today I would examine the statements made by an assortment of well-off persons who are well enough known to be quoted in publications. For those of you out there who are not rich let me inform you.
- “People will swim through shit if you put a few bob in it.” Peter Sellers
- “Time is money.” Ben Franklin
- “Money isn’t everything as long as you have enough.” Malcolm Forbes
- “It isn’t enough for you to love money – it’s also necessary that money should love you”. Baron James D Rothschild
- “If I had my life to live over again, I’d be a $30 a week librarian.” Andrew Carnegie
🤑🤑🤑
- “In some ways, a millionaire just can’t win. If he spends too freely, he is criticized for being extravagant and ostentatious. If, on the other hand, he lives quietly and thriftily, the same people who would have criticized him for being profligate will call him a miser.” J. Paul Getty
- “There is always the question. You wonder if people like you for you or the inevitable disturbing question: Are they after something?” Mary Leah Johnson (heir to the Johnson & Johnson fortune)
- “The best reason to read about the very rich, of course, is to be reassured that money cannot buy happiness and indeed, often seems to buy trouble.” Maureen Dowd
- “As a cousin of mine once said about money, money is always there but the pockets change; it is not in the same pockets after a change, and that is all there is to say about money.” Gertrude Stein
- “Money talks. The more money, the louder it talks.” Arnold Rothstein
One final thought, a quote from my late down-to-earth father concerning money. It’s as true today as it was fifty years ago when I first heard him say it:
“MONEY TALKS AND BULLSHIT WALKS!”
Yesterday’s posting involved bad poetry so today I’ll be moving on to a few usual truths. If you’re lucky you might win a few bar bets using these tidbits of trivia. If you only win one drink, then your efforts in reading this post will have been worth it.
- The custom of men buttoning their clothes from the right and women from the left comes from the fact that men traditionally dressed themselves and were typically right-handed. Women were more often addressed by maids, who preferred to work from their right – the wearer’s left.
- The phrase “last laugh” is derived from the laugh-like sound a bullet shot through the heart sometimes causes an innocent victim to make before death.
- You can form the number 12, 345, 678, 987, 654, 321 by multiplying 111, 111, 111 by 111, 111, 111.
- The “WD” in WD-40 stands for Water Displacement. The “40” came about because it took the creators that many attempts to get the formula correct.
- According to Hollywood lore, silent film actress Norma Talmage started the tradition of stars putting their footprints in the cement at Grauman’s Chinese Theater when she accidentally stumbled onto the freshly laid sidewalk in front of it in 1927.
- Pepsi-Cola was the first foreign consumer product sold in the former Soviet Union.
- Kissing was once a crime in England. In the mid-1400s, King Henry VI declared it was a disease spreader.
- The San Andreas Fault is slipping about 2 inches per year, which means that Los Angeles will be a suburb of San Francisco in 15 million years.
- The shortest reign of a Portuguese king was 20 minutes. When the royal family was ambushed in February 1908, the king died immediately and his heir, Luis Filipe, died 20 minutes later.
- On Christopher Columbus’s fourth voyage to the New World, he saved the lives of his crew by convincing Jamaican natives that he made the moon disappear during a lunar eclipse in 1504.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“The best way to keep one’s word is not to give it.”
Napolean Bonaparte
After receiving a few interesting emails and poems on my recent “Feet” posting I decided to offer up some of my own Bad Poetry for your entertainment. In my opinion poetry is best when humorous.
I just saw a sexy painted red toe
Peeking at me from a nearby sandal.
It looked soooo damn cute
It was almost more than I could handle.
As it sauntered on by
Four other toes caught my eye.
Oh my! Oh my! I felt such a tingle
And followed along hoping the owner was single.
I raised my head a tiny little bit
To checkout that anonymous owner.
And all of a sudden, I unfortunately discovered
The loss of a perfectly good boner.
😃😂😄
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