Archive for the ‘Kill Me, I’m Begging You’ Category
It amazes me just how fast this year has flown by. It won’t be long here in Maine until I’m whining and complaining about the snow. Thinking about snow and ice is depressing most of the time but I’ll deal with it by writing about things that make me less depressed and bored. Being a formal high school and college graduate, I found the following statements to be funny and sad. Funny because some are ridiculous and sad because they’re all taken from actual high school and college exams. This collection mostly concerns Music Appreciation ad Music History.
- A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
- The principal singer of 19th-century opera was called the pre-Madonna.
- An interval in music is the distance between one piano to the next.
- Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.
- A tuba is much larger than its name.
- When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would anybody.
- I can’t reach the brakes on this piano.
- The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.
- The correct way to find a key to a piece of music is to use a pitchfork.
HIGHER EDUCATION IS THE ULTIMATE OXYMORON
I’m feeling a little silly today and I’m not entirely sure why. A good night’s sleep, some weird dreams, and a great cup of coffee. and “Ta Da”, here I am! I’ll start today with some true silliness. As I was surfing around yesterday, I stumbled upon a website called unijoke.com and it had a collection of jokes about “Little Johnny”. I’ve loved those jokes for many years, and I found one on that site that made me laugh out loud. That’s my criteria for determining funny. Here it is . . .
A teacher asks her class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Little Johnny says “I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch I can find with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day”. The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. “And you, Susie? ” The teacher asks. Susie says “I wanna be Johnny’s bitch.”
Almost everyone loves Rock-and-Roll music except maybe for those Country & Western folks and the Hip-Hop idiots. I was thinking about all of the silly names’ musicians create for their bands to help them standout in the crowd. I’ll list a few oldies but goodies and I’m sure you can think of many more.
STOP CALLING ME FRANK
AFGHANISTAN BANANA STAND
BUDDY WHATSHISNAME AND THE OTHER FELLAS
THE COLOR FRED
THE NAUGAHYDE CHIHUAHUAS
QUESTION MARK AND THE MYSTERIANS
THE WELL I’M SURE I LEFT IT THERE YESTERDAY BAND
ME FIRST AND THE GIMMEE GIMEES
THE DISAPPOINTED PARENTS
SHE STOLE MY BEER
You have to admit those rockers had quite the imagination and used the hell out of it. The list of silly band names is never-ending but still fun. Here’s my final thought for today:
Why is a virginity like a balloon?
One prick and its gone!
AND SO, AM I!
I know how addicted our society is to celebrities and all of their odd comings and goings and I have yet to truly understand it. So, in the spirit of “giving the people what they want”, here are a few celebrity tidbits of information you may not have heard.
- Uma Thurman’s father was the first American to be ordained a Buddhist monk.
- Ben Affleck’s reformed alcoholic father, Tim, became Robert Downey Junior’s drug counselor.
- The fathers of Robert Duvall and Jim Morrison were admirals in the U.S. Navy, while Kris Kristofferson’s father was a US Air Force general.
- When Michael Caine was a child, his mother pasted his ears to his head to stop them from sticking out.
- David Schwimmer’s mother is the attorney who handled Roseann Barr’s first divorce.
- The mothers of Oscar Wilde, Peter O’Toole, Ernest Hemingway, General Douglas MacArthur, Bill Tilden and Franklin D Roosevelt dressed their sons as girls for the first few years of their lives.
- Uma Thurman’s mother had been married to Timothy Leary of LSD fame before marrying Uma’s father.
- The fathers of Judy Garland, Jacqueline Onassis, Liza Minnelli, and Anne Heche were all gay.
- Rachel Weisz’s father invented the artificial respirator.
- Julianna Margulies’s father wrote the “Plop, Plop, Fizz, Fizz” jingle for Alka-Seltzer.
I hope all you celebrity lovers out there enjoying these little factoids. There’s many more that I’ll share with you over the coming weeks and months.
HAPPY HUMP DAY
Unfortunately, the word “Greed” is used to describe our country by many foreigners and also from many of our own citizens. I can’t say that I disagree because in too many cases it’s absolutely true. “Money is the root of all evil” immediately comes to mind when I hear that word. It’s not something we should be proud of but “It is what it is.” I thought today I would examine the statements made by an assortment of well-off persons who are well enough known to be quoted in publications. For those of you out there who are not rich let me inform you.
- “People will swim through shit if you put a few bob in it.” Peter Sellers
- “Time is money.” Ben Franklin
- “Money isn’t everything as long as you have enough.” Malcolm Forbes
- “It isn’t enough for you to love money – it’s also necessary that money should love you”. Baron James D Rothschild
- “If I had my life to live over again, I’d be a $30 a week librarian.” Andrew Carnegie
🤑🤑🤑
- “In some ways, a millionaire just can’t win. If he spends too freely, he is criticized for being extravagant and ostentatious. If, on the other hand, he lives quietly and thriftily, the same people who would have criticized him for being profligate will call him a miser.” J. Paul Getty
- “There is always the question. You wonder if people like you for you or the inevitable disturbing question: Are they after something?” Mary Leah Johnson (heir to the Johnson & Johnson fortune)
- “The best reason to read about the very rich, of course, is to be reassured that money cannot buy happiness and indeed, often seems to buy trouble.” Maureen Dowd
- “As a cousin of mine once said about money, money is always there but the pockets change; it is not in the same pockets after a change, and that is all there is to say about money.” Gertrude Stein
- “Money talks. The more money, the louder it talks.” Arnold Rothstein
One final thought, a quote from my late down-to-earth father concerning money. It’s as true today as it was fifty years ago when I first heard him say it:
“MONEY TALKS AND BULLSHIT WALKS!”
Yesterday’s posting involved bad poetry so today I’ll be moving on to a few usual truths. If you’re lucky you might win a few bar bets using these tidbits of trivia. If you only win one drink, then your efforts in reading this post will have been worth it.
- The custom of men buttoning their clothes from the right and women from the left comes from the fact that men traditionally dressed themselves and were typically right-handed. Women were more often addressed by maids, who preferred to work from their right – the wearer’s left.
- The phrase “last laugh” is derived from the laugh-like sound a bullet shot through the heart sometimes causes an innocent victim to make before death.
- You can form the number 12, 345, 678, 987, 654, 321 by multiplying 111, 111, 111 by 111, 111, 111.
- The “WD” in WD-40 stands for Water Displacement. The “40” came about because it took the creators that many attempts to get the formula correct.
- According to Hollywood lore, silent film actress Norma Talmage started the tradition of stars putting their footprints in the cement at Grauman’s Chinese Theater when she accidentally stumbled onto the freshly laid sidewalk in front of it in 1927.
- Pepsi-Cola was the first foreign consumer product sold in the former Soviet Union.
- Kissing was once a crime in England. In the mid-1400s, King Henry VI declared it was a disease spreader.
- The San Andreas Fault is slipping about 2 inches per year, which means that Los Angeles will be a suburb of San Francisco in 15 million years.
- The shortest reign of a Portuguese king was 20 minutes. When the royal family was ambushed in February 1908, the king died immediately and his heir, Luis Filipe, died 20 minutes later.
- On Christopher Columbus’s fourth voyage to the New World, he saved the lives of his crew by convincing Jamaican natives that he made the moon disappear during a lunar eclipse in 1504.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“The best way to keep one’s word is not to give it.”
Napolean Bonaparte
After receiving a few interesting emails and poems on my recent “Feet” posting I decided to offer up some of my own Bad Poetry for your entertainment. In my opinion poetry is best when humorous.
I just saw a sexy painted red toe
Peeking at me from a nearby sandal.
It looked soooo damn cute
It was almost more than I could handle.
As it sauntered on by
Four other toes caught my eye.
Oh my! Oh my! I felt such a tingle
And followed along hoping the owner was single.
I raised my head a tiny little bit
To checkout that anonymous owner.
And all of a sudden, I unfortunately discovered
The loss of a perfectly good boner.
😃😂😄
Any day is a good day to be told the truth. How’s that for words to live by? Some of these topics will definitely pique your interest. Sometimes the weirder the facts the truer the statements. See what you think.
Let’s try some sports:
- The infamous Bill Buckner of Red Sox fame had more career hits and Ted Williams.
- During World War II, so many NFL players were fighting in the war that the rival Philadelphia Eagles and Pittsburgh Steelers temporarily teamed up to form the “Steagles”
- Walter Payton once threw a touchdown pass, caught a touchdown pass, and ran for a touchdown in the same game.
- Legend has it that Hall of Fame baseball player Wade Boggs once drank 107 beers in one day while traveling with the team.
- The only team to score 3 touchdowns in under 1 min. in the NFL is the New England Patriots. And they’ve done it twice.
Now for little sci-fi:
- It takes 200 million years for the sun to make one orbit around the galactic center.
- In order for the earth to become a black hole, its entire mass would have to be compressed into a space less than an inch in diameter.
- The sun makes up over 99% of the solar system’s entire mass.
- Venus spends backwards and no one knows why!
- Every planet in the solar system could fit in the space between Earth and the moon. Even if you count Pluto.
HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND
It’s kind of a rainy day here in Maine. It’s gray and miserable which makes me feel even lazier than I normally do. With that thought in mind I thought I’d reach all the way back to the year 1984 for some retro riddles. As you read them keep remembering these were written in the 1980s which might help you put them into their proper context. Here we go . . .
- What’s the difference between a gigolo, a doctor, a Rabbi, a girlfriend and a Quaalude? A gigolo is a penis vendor, a doctor is a penis mender, a rabbi is a penis ender, a girlfriend is a penis tender, and a Quaalude is a penis bender.
- When did the madam realize that the guy with no arms and legs on the front porch of the brothel wasn’t fooling around? When she figured out how he rang the doorbell!
- What did the dentist say to the lady after she told him she’d rather have a baby then have a tooth pulled? “Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair!”
- What did the German general do when he heard that Napoleon wore red into battle so his troops wouldn’t panic in the event he was wounded? He ordered a brown uniform!
- Why should you think twice before you marry a girl with hair down to her waist and boobs that stick out to here? Because in 10 years her boobs will be down to her waist and her hair will stick out to there!
- Why can’t a man win with his wife? Because if he comes home early, she accuses him of being horny. If he comes home late, she suspects that he’s been out getting some. And if he comes home on time, she figures he’s got it already!
- Why do girls rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning? Because they don’t have testicles!
- What’s a liberated woman? A woman who has sex before marriage and a job afterwards!
- What’s the difference between a pig and a musician? A pig won’t stay up all night trying to fuck a musician!
- What’s a platonic relationship? A relationship between a guy who wants to have sex and a girl who doesn’t!
SMILE, IT’S ALMOST THE WEEKEND
HILLARY CLINTON ADOPTS ALIEN BABY
Back in the day it was normal for almost anyone standing in line at any grocery store to be bored out of their mind. What do you do then? You take one of the ever so strange publications in the rack and read the most outrageous stories that were obviously nothing but BS in tabloids like The National Inquirer, The Sun, and The Daily Record. I’m pleased to announce that most if not all of them still exist but these days they’re mostly on-line. My current favorite is The Weekly World News. They take legitimate stories and then spice them up with some of the worst headlines and facts that are twisted beyond belief. They are nothing more than hysterically funny comic relief. Here are a few samples of their work:
Alien Backs Clinton!
Bat Child Found in Cave!
Half-Human Half-Fish Found in Florida!
Titanic Baby Found Alive!
Bug Size UFO Found on Playground!
And you thought I was kidding. Here are a few more of their most outrageous stories and headlines. You can’t help but smile and shake your head after reading them.
11-YEAR-OLD BOY RAPED – BY SEX STARVED MAID WITH AIDS
BABY CATCHES BULLET WITH HIS GUMS
KID WITH THREE ARMS IS BASEBALL SENSATION
I MADE MYSELF PREGNANT WITH A TURKEY BASTER
ANT ARMY EATS 935 PEOPLE
SWORD SWALLOWER LAUGHS SO HARD – HE SLIT HIS THROAT
HAIL THE SIZE OF BOWLING BALLS FLATTENS TOWN
CHURCH COMMUNION CAN SPREAD AIDS
It’s interesting to sit back and enjoy “fake news” for a change that isn’t carefully disguised and worded by the Mainstream Media and all of our straight-shooting politicians. If you’d like to see more stop off at their website: weeklyworldnews.com. It’s worth a few laughs which we definitely need more of these days.
START YOUR WEEK WITH A LAUGH
I’m not a lover of celebrities because in all cases they are as flawed and screwed up as the rest of us. Being famous just makes their activities even worse than what they actually are because the media just won’t let go of things. Here are a few celebrity facts that most of you should find interesting. As I’m told so often, “everyone loves celebrities”. Well almost everyone.
- In 2006, William Shatner was paid $25,000.00 by an online casino for a kidney stone he had recently passed.
- Charlie Chapin once placed third in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.
- Martha Stewart once dated actor Anthony Hopkins but dumped him because she couldn’t separate him from Hannible Lecter, his character in Silence of the Lambs.
- Elvis Presley got a “C” in music in eight grade and was told by the teacher that he had no singing talent.
- Actress Cybil Shepherd dated Elvis in the 70’s and hinted on the Oprah Winfrey Show that she had to teach him how to perform cunninlinqus.
- Mickey Mouse creator Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
- Actress Drew Barrymore began drinking at age nine, smoking weed at ten and snorting cocaine at twelve. She then entered rehab at age thirteen, the youngest star ever to do so.
- False web rumors began to circulate in 2005 that TV star Jaleel White (Urkel on Family Matters) had committed suicide and left a note that read “Did I do that?”, Urkel’s catchphrase.
- Nobel Prize winning biologist Francis Crick was high on LSD when he discovered the double helix structure of DNA.
- Actress Rebecca Gayheart while on her cell phone stuck and killed a nine-year old girl in LA in 2001. She pled guilty to manslaughter and was sentenced to three years’ probation and a fine.
WE’RE LOOKING FOR VOLUNTEERS WHO WANT TO BE FAMOUS
everyuselessthing.com 