Archive for the ‘Kill Me, I’m Begging You’ Category
Thank God the Christmas season is finally behind us for another year. As much as I enjoy it while it lasts, when it’s over it’s over. Let’s’ move right along to the next all consuming holiday, New Years. It’s during this in-between time every year that I usually do a final review of my New Year’s resolutions and introduce my list for 2016. With that in mind here is a quick recap of 2015.
2015
1. I vow to exercise for forty-one minutes every other day for the entire year. COMPLETED – I’m now up to 46 minutes.
2. I vow to call President Obama nasty names only during months with an "R" in them. COMPLETED, This one was easy.
3. I further vow to never say anything good about President Obama in months without an "R". COMPLETED: This one was even easier.
CAUSTIC COMMENT – Goodbye OBAMA, your fifteen minutes is almost over.
4. I vow to never blurt out any F-Bombs in front of the grandson now that he’s started repeating damn near everything. COMPLETED
5. I vow to say many more F-Bombs around those people (except the grandsons) who irritate, annoy or piss me off. COMPLETED, and still going strong.
6. I vow to stop flirting with just anyone. There are times when I feel like such a slut and that’s not good for my self esteem. INCOMPLETE, It’s really difficult to break this semi-bad habit but my hearts not really into trying.
7. For the third year in a row I vow not to prance naked anywhere near the front picture window. It creeps out the neighbors and one or two of our regular joggers. COMPLETE, Due entirely to my better-half’s purchase of a new window treatment.
8. I also vow not to screw with my cat as much this year due to his advanced age and sharp claws. INCOMPLETE, I have a few new scars but he really deserves being messed with whenever possible.
9. I vow to take at least 500 really good photographs a month. INCOMPLETE, I’m just not getting it done.
10. Read 2 books a week for a year. COMPLETE, 104 AS OF 12/29/2015.
Now for my resolutions for 2016. I’ve been giving these a lot of thought because I feel the need to shake things up a little. Here goes.
2016
1. With the help of my better-half, complete the family recipe book. We’ve procrastinated long enough.
2. Complete my blog book for 2015.
3. Between August 8th and New Years, complete at least one more tandem skydive.
4. Buy a dog.
5. Keep my foul language to an absolute minimum around the grand kids. I know at some point they’ll both learn all those nasty words but let it be from someone other than me.
6. Set aside at least two days a month for some quality time with my camera along the Maine coast or in the woods.
7. Try as hard as I can to give a damn about politics. You should know this resolution has absolutely no chance of ever being accomplished.
8. Try to be a little more confrontational and assertive with ignorant people who insist on annoying me. No more Mr. Nice Guy.
9. Stop eating potato chips.
10. Set time aside to get back into sketching and painting. I’ve gotten away from it for a few years and it’s time to return.
There you have it. I completed seventy percent of my resolutions for 2015 and I’m really proud of myself but I’m also reasonably sure the list for this year will be a lot more difficult.
I can only keep on keeping on.
‘Is this weird enough for you?’
Three days to go. Three more days of retail madness in a sea of questionable citizens. As I’ve stated a number of times recently this may be the weirdest Christmas I’ve ever had. Overly warm weather, no snow, no sleet, no slush, no SNIRT (Snow + Dirt), and all of that having a strange effect on the population including me.
Observation #1 – As I drive around through the surrounding countryside all I’ve been seeing are snowmobiles and snow blowers parked in the grass along the roads with For Sale signs on them. All of our more determined snow bunnies are now being forced to travel into the White Mountains in nearby New Hampshire if they want to frolic in the white stuff. We have none.
Observation #2 – One of the major priorities in Maine is preparation for Winter by purchasing sufficient amounts of heating oil, wood or other fuels well in advance of Christmas. Heating oil costs over the last few years have fluctuated between $2.75 per gallon to $3.45 per gal. It’s currently hovering just below the two dollar mark and dropping. Hooray for us and our bank accounts. This kind of weirdness I can learn to love. It’s one of the reasons I’m sitting here in my man-cave this morning waiting the arrival of an oil delivery truck. When the price drops like this it’s time to fill up the tank.
‘Ho, Ho, Ho, who wouldn’t go!’
Observation #3 – The warm weather has people here a bit confused and acting strangely. The better-half dragged me along on another one of her shopping forays to Walmart recently. We all know Walmart is known for some truly off-the-wall folks that can be seen there on any given day. This week I saw at least ten people in shorts, T-shirts, and strutting their stuff in flip-flops. It was 35 degrees for God’s sake.
‘Goats love going for a spin.’
Observation #4 – I’ve saved the best for last. I’ve been telling the world about Maine and Mainers for years and at times I gotten the feeling they think I might be exaggerating. This blurb may just prove my point once and for all.
‘They love feeling the wind in their hair.’
Yesterday morning I was looking out my picture window with a hot cup of coffee in my hand. I was watching the early morning traffic speeding by when I saw a truck approaching in the distance. It was one of those huge Suburban pickup trucks all clean and shiny. As it passed by I saw what I thought was a dog hanging out of the passenger side window like they love to do. As it got closer I started laughing to show my appreciation for Maine once again. It wasn’t a dog at all but a big brown goat. Sitting right next to the driver and enjoying the ride. Only two things could have improved that moment. The first would have been to have my camera ready and to have snapped that picture. The second would have been if that damn goat had been wearing a Santa hat.
‘Nothing as romantic as a man and his goat.’
One Mainer + One Pickup Truck + One Happy Goat = One Weird Christmas
3 SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
I know it’s the Christmas season and I also know that requires us to be as cheerful and happy as possible. I hope you’ll appreciate this break in all the happiness to listen to one of my short Christmas rants. Sit back and enjoy while I vent for a bit and try to get my blood pressure to drop back to normal levels.
For many years I made a point of skipping flu shots for one simple reason. Every time I got a flu shot, surprise, surprise, I immediately got the flu. As soon as I mentioned that to any healthcare provider I was given the always handy excuse of "It’s really just a milder version of the flu so be glad about that." I found it difficult to to be too glad so I finally stopped taking the shots. Just as a point of fact, I still got the damn flu and it didn’t feel all that different from the so-called milder version. What does that tell you? It tells me that it’d possible that someone’s been pumping a whole lot of sunshine up my skirt and getting away with it for years.
I realize that the politicians in this country think that all of us non-political mouth-breathers are morons and uneducated idiots. I should add the entire healthcare system thinks that way as well with all of it’s so-called experts speaking down to us at every opportunity. I may be a moron and an idiot but I’m still able to recognize a huge pile of BS when I see it, step in it, or smell it. Right now I’m doing all three.
‘Can’t see Santa till you get that flu shot kiddies.’
We constantly hear talk that certain chemicals used to create flu shots and other vaccines may be one of the causes of the massive increase in children diagnosed with forms of autism. Since I’m an idiot and a moron I’m expected to go along with all of the experts when it comes to injecting vaccines into my body. I’m also expected to believe all of the rhetoric and propaganda that’s shoved down my throat for a few months each year.
Over the years they’ve just made it too damn easy to get flu shots. We can go to drug stores, malls, Walmart, and community centers. Maybe next year they’ll include a few gas stations, car repair shops, 7/11’s, or even have drive-thru service on interstate highway rest stops. Those rest stops are known for quite a diverse cross-section of the population who also are in need of flu shots.
I received my flu shot this year in September and guess what? I’ve been sick with a host of flu symptoms for two months that never seem to go away. This must prove just how right the experts are, right? Instead of a one week case of the flu I’m now able to suffer for a month or more with their damn weaker version which really makes for a wonderful Christmas. I can sneeze, wheeze, and contaminate my entire family. This mouth breathing moron is slowly waking up. . . . no more effing flu shots for me.
HAVE A MERRY FLU INFESTED CHRISTMAS – 6 SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
I think the arrival of Christmas Day may be just a bit anticlimactic this year. Maybe not for you (if you have kids) but for me I’m afraid it could be. I bought my first presents back in July of this year in my lame attempt to get as much of the preparation done as early as possible. I accomplished that easily enough but little did I know there’d be a huge downside to it as well.
So today is the sixteenth of December and in about an hour I’ll be mailing off four Christmas cards to my family members. For all intents and purpose Christmas is already over for me, I’m just sitting around waiting for the day to get here. Then I can move on to the next holiday, then the next one after that, and on and on and on it goes.
‘And a merry little Christmas to you all.’
My attempt to do all of my shopping online this year was only 85% successful. Hopefully by next year I’ll have figured out a better way to do things. I purchased a number of gift cards this year from different business and will hand them out as needed but next year I’ll order them on line and have them mailed direct. Thank you ever so much Amazon. I can even get my regular gifts ordered online, have them gift wrapped, and sent on their way with a card. Easy peasy, right?
I know some of you out there will accuse me of having no real Christmas spirit. That I’m losing that personal touch by not elbowing my way through throngs of idiots to make my purchases. I’ll be forced to miss out on parking problems, arrogant store employees, and the many fine citizens who insist on being a-holes or even worse. I’ll certainly miss all of those high pressure sales people who love getting in my face to annoy and irritate me as I stroll through the mall. How can I possibly choose not to smell the body odor of hundreds of overdressed and sweaty shoppers. If that doesn’t get you into the Christmas spirit nothing will.
As you can plainly see, I’m bored out of my effing skull waiting for the day to finally arrive. Am I excited? Yes! Will the day meet and exceed my expectations? I can only hope. The only saving grace will be the grand children. A couple of excited smiles from them will make up for all the BS that seems to be more of a requirement these days than ever before.
EIGHT SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
And coming all too soon:
‘Christmas Eve in Maine.’
How is your holiday season progressing? Are your preparations ahead of schedule or behind? Is your Christmas tree real or artificial? Are your kids driving you crazy yet? Has your alcohol consumption increased progressively with the holiday pressures? All really good questions but as we all know they’re rhetorical.
The drumbeat of Christmas is getting louder each day. I go to sleep thinking about what I’ve accomplished that day and wake up thinking about all of the stuff that I still need to accomplish today. I am so full of Christmas cheer I could scream out loud. After rereading this paragraph I think I discovered something else I must be full of. You get my drift, right? I’M LOSING IT MAN!
Here is my kitchen table as I found it this morning:
Trust me when I tell you the entire living room and family room look exactly like it as well. I’m knee deep in Christmas and there’s still 18 shopping days left. It could take us until sometime in February to repack all this stuff and I can’t wait. At least the damn cat seems to be enjoying himself:
I haven’t had my breakfast yet but since I can’t eat in the kitchen I may retire to the deck and eat there. That’s right, the sun is shining and it’s still warm enough to sit outside and have breakfast. It’s madness I tell you.
Even Mother Nature appears confused by the weather. I took a stroll around the property yesterday for no other reason than to get a little sun on my pasty white body. I found this lonely little flower in the side yard. One stupid dandelion that’s decided it’s really not December but April. I can officially say this is the latest I’ve ever seen any flower growing and blooming.
‘The all-time dumbest flower on the planet.’
I’d like to continue on with this post but I’m getting the evil eye from my better-half. It’s time to get back to my Santa duties. Everything has to be just perfect for the grandsons when they arrive (in two and a half effing weeks). Sorry about the language but all these red and green colors are finally getting to me or maybe it’s just my requested Christmas aneurism finally showing up.
I hope someone tells Santa just what a good boy I’ve been this year. He owes me big time.
Twenty shopping days until Christmas and still no snow. This weather is starting to freak me out a little. I was out on the deck this week putting away the furniture and had to return to the house to remove some clothing. It was too hot. Can you believe that? Anyway here are some photo’s and Christmas factoids for your entertainment.
*** Germany made the first artificial Christmas trees. They were made of goose feathers and dyed green. ***
Yesterday my better-half took me along as an escort while she Christmas shopped. This was how yesterday appeared to me:
*** If you received all of the gifts in the song "The Twelve Days of Christmas," you would receive 364 gifts.***
Rain doesn’t help my already waning amounts of Christmas spirit. What a mess. I find myself wishing for a good snow storm that would drop four or five inches of the white stuff on us.
*** In Mexico, wearing red underwear on New Year’s Eve is said to bring new love in the upcoming year. ***
Last evening we began decorating the interior of the house. A little wine, a little beer, and lots of patience. We made a great deal of progress but it wasn’t easy. Here are a few shots of the debris ridden living room in these “before” photo’s.
*** The poinsettia plant was brought into the United States from Mexico by Joel Poinsett in the early 1800’s. ***
*** Rudolph" was actually created by Montgomery Ward in the late 1930’s for a holiday promotion. The rest is history. ***
We put the finishing touches to the tree and of course the damn cat insisted on hiding underneath and did his best to knock it over. That’s one Christmas tradition we’ve tried for years to change but he just won’t listen.
*** Clearing up a common misconception, in Greek, X means Christ. That is where the word "X-Mas" comes from. Not because someone took the "Christ" out of Christmas. ***
Our holiday preparations will continue for another week or so or until we run out of holiday stuff to hang on other holiday stuff (truthfully that will never happen).
*** Eggnog first became popular in England where it was considered a drink for the upper class. ***
20 SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
It’s Cyber Monday and I just finished renewing and deleting the fifty spam emails I received overnight. I’ve experienced aggressive retailing before but nothing like this year. I’d like to thank Sam’s Club, Best Buy, Walmart, and many others for totally attempting to take over my email accounts. In appreciation I thought I’d let you know that as of tomorrow I’ll be unsubscribing from all of you because this is verging on harassment and I need to put a stop to it. Merry effing Christmas folks.
Rather than spending time with my better-half at the mall, we’ve decided to spend her day off today driving from town to town to visit many of the smaller mom-and-pop gift shops and hoping to find a few small gifts for a few remaining family members. I might even spring for a nice lunch somewhere in the York Beach area near Portsmouth.
The weather forecasts for later in the week call for rain and rain and then more rain. If we’re going to do this shopping it has to be today or we’ll be out of luck. I’d like to get a few photos along the coast if we can but who knows, we may not get any sunshine today at all.
The time seems to be flying by and Christmas will be arriving all too quickly. We intend to enjoy this warm Indian Winter weather while it lasts. I’m afraid when it ends it won’t be pretty. I have visions of snow drifts and really icy roads very very soon. I’d like to have a white Christmas but not too white.
The grand kids came to visit over the weekend and it’s always good to see them and their parents. We kicked back and relaxed with a somewhat friendly game of Super Scrabble.
For those of you who aren’t Scrabble fanatics it’s an enlarged standard Scrabble board with more tiles and Quadruple word and letter squares. It was great fun even though I got my ass thoroughly kicked by everyone. Fun but quite humbling for someone as competitive as I am. I guess there’s always the next time to return the favor.
More decorating tonight and I hope to put the finishing touches on the tree. That really brings the Christmas spirit alive for me like nothing else.
24 SHOPPING DAYS TIL CHRISTMAS
Now that Thanksgiving has come and gone and I’ve digested all that good food I’d like nothing better than to relax for a bit. Dream on fool, here comes Black Friday, Cyber Monday, Christmas, and New Years!
Meanwhile, here’s a quick look at our Thanksgiving table for this year. A luscious prime rib roast, asparagus, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, and a chilled bottle of honey mead. I have to say it was the best Thanksgiving meal we’ve had in recent memory. Hope yours was the same or even better.
Black Friday has also come and gone and fortunately for me I missed it completely. I missed all the large crowds of pissed off shoppers, the pushing, the shoving, the fighting, and the shootings that makes these holiday seasons so near and dear to my heart. There’s nothing like a little physical combat with pregnant women, kids, or anyone else for that matter who gets in the way.
It feels extra special to shove some old lady to the ground and to grab an item from her hands that you wanted more than she did. A big thanks once again to Walmart for costing a few people their lives and many others minor injuries and arrests. The almighty dollar rules absolutely in the world of Walmart with very little concern for the consequences of their actions. Nothing new, right?
‘Deck the Halls’
‘Happy Holidays’
‘God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen’
I’m not blaming all of these problems on Walmart because Target, Best Buy, and hundreds of others are just as guilty. My better-half and her daughter braved the crowds yesterday while I sat at home hoping they survived without injuries or incidents. They fortunately arrived home in one piece with more shopping war stories that I’ll be forced to listen to for another year. There are some traditions that need to go and Black Friday is one of them.
‘Absolute Lunacy’
This is the time of the year I thank God I’m claustrophobic. All the more reason to increase my on-line presence next year and never leave the freaking house.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND STAY OUT OF MY EFFING WAY
’A quote stolen from more than ten million shoppers.’
It’s Thanksgiving morning here in Maine. No snow, no sleet, no high winds, and fifty degree sunny weather. What’s wrong with this picture? I wait all year for this holiday when I can put on a heavy coat, take a walk in the cold fresh air, eat a great meal, and relax the day away. Warm weather? What the hell?
Yesterday was the big day for us. My better-half finally was finally bitten on the butt by the Christmas bug and all of the cherished peace and quiet in this house is over for the foreseeable future.
I was given my marching orders early which required me to make a visit to my least favorite place . . . the attic. A spooky, dirty, and buggy place filled with boxes of holiday crap stacked everywhere. Pick any holiday of the year and I can find a few boxes of decorations to dig through for that day. Christmas is the worst because the better-half seems to have saved every Christmas decoration going back to her birth. As you can see our family room looks like Santa’s sleigh had some maintenance issues and crashed and exploded right here.
Wrapping papers, boxes of lights, then more lights, then tinsel, then more tinsel, then tree ornaments, and then more tree ornaments. I’m hip deep in the stuff and there’s still more boxes left in the attic. God help me!
My main chore each year is to unpack the tree, find all the pieces (it’s not a real one), drag everything into the living room and put it all together. It’ll be much easier this year since we purchased a new tree at the end of last year’s holiday season. The previous artificial tree was seven feet tall and almost five feet wide and huge pain to assemble. It consisted of at least forty different limbs and parts and took quite a while to construct as well as shedding about a pound of plastic pine needles every time it was touched. This new one went up with a snap in five minutes and then it only needed a little TLC and tweaking to make it really nice.
Hopefully by the end of today the tree will be up and decorated, the furniture rearranged or moved into other rooms, and the Christmas tunes will be firmly imbedded in my skull for the next month. After Country & Western music I hate Christmas music the most. Unfortunately once those damn songs get stuck in my head I’ll be humming them until the middle of January.
‘Step One’
‘Step Two’
‘Done’
This is one of the good things that happened today. My better-half has a tradition of supplying freshly baked cinnamon buns soaked in sugar icing the morning of each holiday. I watched her prepare the buns, letting them cool, then pouring that glorious sugar sweetness all over them. I hijacked a couple, scurried off to another room and quickly wolfed them down. That’s my payment for today’s Christmas chores and like it or not I’ll probably eat a couple of more tomorrow. I can at least give thanks for them.
So it begins . . .
I’m posting a little later than I like today. I was stolen away by my better-half for a day of errands and Christmas shopping. I wasn’t thrilled but I’m trying to work on improving my Christmas spirit this year so I’ve been smiling and nodding a lot. That was my first mistake.
For those of you unfamiliar with Maine the “Holy Land” of shopping is the town of Freeport located approximately 10 miles north of Portland along the coast. It’s a small town composed primarily of an endless supply of outlet stores from damn near every retailer you can name. It’s always been a tradition for us and most Mainers to do some of our Christmas shopping there and to spend more than a little time doing it.
This year was the first time we’ve actually gone to Freeport before Thanksgiving and Black Friday (Thank God). The stores weren’t too crowded and finding parking was a snap for a change. Our first stop was my favorite place called Mexicali Blues. It’s actually a modern day version of what once was considered a “head shop” minus the bongs and roach clips.
If you like extremely bright colors and off-the-wall apparel, this is the place. I never miss a chance to visit and I always buy something interesting. Today I picked up a few wild and crazy stocking stuffers for some of the family members. I just love the place.
Smoke a fat doobie, sit on the sofa, and contemplate on this bird. That’s sure to get your head and your Christmas season kick-started. If you choose to do that I’d recommend a huge bag of Lays wavy potato chips and lots of wine.
Another stop that is always mandatory in Freeport is a visit to L.L. Bean. The crowds were small and the better-half was able to take her time (like always) and buy a few small things for the family.
I waited until the appropriate time to start complaining. I was hungry, I needed coffee, my feet hurt, and anything else I could think of. Being subtle with the better-half is a losing battle. I just have to blurt things out until she gets tired of hearing me. Sometimes it takes a while but it always works eventually.
We made it home in record time and I was able to put anther day of shopping hell behind me. I guarantee you I’ll be hiding for the rest of the holiday season in places the better-half won’t look. Wish me luck, I’ll need it.
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