Archive for the ‘Limericks’ Category

10/11/2021 ***Limerick Alert***   Leave a comment

There was a young man from Siam,

Who said:” I go in with a wham!

But I soon lose my starch, like the mad month of March,

And the lion comes out like a lamb.”

10/09/2021 ***Limerick Alert***   2 comments

A notorious harlot named Hearst

In the pleasures of men is well-versed;

Reads the sign at the head

Of her well-rumpled bed:

“The customer always comes first”.

10/07/2021 ***Limerick Alert***   2 comments

A young girl named Alice, in Dallas,

Had never enjoyed a fine phallus;

She was virgo intacto,

Because, ipso facto,

No phallus in Dallas fit Alice.

10/03/2021 ***Limerick Alert***   Leave a comment

There once was a old tart, from Kilkenny,
Whose usual charge was a penny;
For half of that sum,
You might fondle her bum,
A source of amusement to many!

10/01/2021 ***Limerick Alert***   2 comments

There was a young lady from Norway
Who hung by her toes in a doorway;
She said to her beau:
"Just look at me, Joe,
"I think I've discovered one more way!"

09/28/2021 ***Limerick Alert***   2 comments

There was a young lady of Maine,
Who declared she'd a man on the brain.
But you knew from the view
Of her waist as it grew,
It was not on her brain he had lain.

09/26/2021 ***Limerick Alert***   Leave a comment

Oh, daddy, may I marry soon?
I love him. I'm over the moon!
What? Could I delay
Till April, or May?
But you'll be a granddad by June!

Posted September 26, 2021 by Every Useless Thing in Humor, Limericks, Sarcasm, Useless Crap

Tagged with , , , ,

09/24/2021 More Useless Yet Interesting Trivia   2 comments

I’m just sitting here looking out the window and it’s raining, it’s humid, and I am bored out of my mind. These days between seasons leave much to be desired. When I get this bored I fall back to something that I enjoy doing. If you don’t know by now that means diving in to my archives for useless bits of semi-interesting trivia items. The 10 I’ve listed below are interesting and a little unusual, my favorite kinds. Maybe by sharing them with you it will take the edge off my boredom before I scream out loud. Enjoy!

  • A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
  • According to Genesis 1:2022 the chicken came before the egg.
  • Chop Suey is not a native Chinese dish, it was crafted in California by Chinese immigrants.
  • Chrysler built B-29’s that bombed Japan. Mitsubishi built the zeros that tried to shoot them down. Both companies now build cars in a joint plant called Diamond Star.
  • Due to gravitational effects, you weigh slightly less when the moon is directly overhead.
  • Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
  • The dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
  • The goldfish has a memory span of 3 seconds.
  • The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra’s It’s a Wonderful Life.
  • Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

There’s your trivia for today. I thought I’d throw in a little something extra for you because who doesn’t love a good limerick? I have in my archives hundreds and hundreds of limericks of all categories. I have family limericks, children’s limericks, animal limericks, sporty limericks, and on and on and on. I even have naughty limericks and a category of limericks that goes three steps beyond naughty but I’ll save those for another time. Here’s one that’s rather tame but I like it.

A surgeon of some imprecision,

Decided on self-circumcision;

A slip of the knife –

“Oh, dear,” said his wife,

“Our sex-life will need some revision.”

Well there’s your limerick for today. I thought I’d stick to the medical profession for this limerick because I know how much they love off-color humor. Mostly the nurses but especially the retired ones.

HAVE A WONDERFUL RAINY AND BORING DAY

04-18-2016 Journal–Garden Fence & Humor!   Leave a comment

More aches and pains as the garden begins to take shape.  I’m trying to do as much work on it as I possibly can as early as I can. Last years efforts were almost ruined because I waited until the last minute to do much of the small things that are necessary.  Learning from my mistakes is absolutely essential if I’m to have the garden I want.

Yesterday was another chilly morning but I was up and at it earlier than usual. I picked up my supplies the day before from Home Depot, the only store in the area that carried the type of fencing I needed.  Here is the before photo on the newly completed frame without the fencing.

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The fencing is made for controlling small animals such as rabbits and skunks which are my main problem. We have larger game in the area but they’ve never ben a problem for me. Fortunately I have a nearby neighbor with fruit trees and the deer love their fruit.  The insist on visiting him on a regular basis and leaving me alone.

After an hour or so of cursing and swearing my job was completed.  That should keep the little buggers out of the garden this year. I really dislike killing any animals so the cost of the fence is worth it to keep me guilt free.  Here’s the photo of the completed fence.

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If the weather warms up a little in the coming days I can drag out my rototiller to loosen up the soil. Then I can lay down the fabric into the frames which eliminates weeding completely because I hate weeding.

How about a little garden humor to start your day . . .

A woman’s garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won’t ripen.  There’s a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she’s getting tired of it.  So she goes to her neighbor and says, "Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?”  Her neighbor replies, "Well, it may sound absurd but here’s what to do. Tonight there’s no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off.  Tomatoes can see in the dark and they’ll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they’ll all be red, you’ll see.”  Well, what the heck?   She does it.  The next day her neighbor asks how it worked.  "So-so,” she answers,  "The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer.”

Here’s a salute to everyone’s favorite redneck gardener, Jeff Foxworthy . . .

You Might be a Redneck Gardener If:

 
You mow your lawn and find a wheelbarrow.
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it is yellow.
You don’t water your front yard rather than mow it.
You know how many bags of fertilizer your car can hold.
You’ve even cleaned your house with a leaf blower.
You empty the trash when you have enough to fill up the pickup. 
You can amuse yourself for more that an hour with a hose.
You’ve been cited for reckless driving on a riding lawn mower. 
You move your weed-eater to take a bath.

And finally here is a cute limerick which any Maine gardener will appreciate . . .

I ordered some new bulbs by mail

and tried to grow orchids large scale

exotics won’t grow

under three feet of snow

or battered with blizzards and hail!

C’MON WARM WEATHER

04-06-2016 Journal – Cemetery Humor & Limericks!   Leave a comment

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I thought that since today is once again cold and sunny I should dig into my trivia library for some interesting facts  rather than going out to brave the weather. I might even find a few that aren’t so interesting but as always you can be the judge of that. These are items primarily related to cemeteries and funerals. I may be forced to throw in a few off-color limericks as well.  Let’s get started.

Here’s an entry I’m adding just for my beer drinking better-half.

  • A headstone in a cemetery at Saint Kilda, Victoria, Australia, depicts a hand holding a jug of beer. The headstone was the result of a threat often made by the widow to her thirsty husband.

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This item amazes me.  I can’t begin to understand the level of dedication this involves.

  • In Nara, Japan, a lantern in the tomb of a Buddhist priest, Kyobo Daishi, in the monastery of Koya San has been burning continuously for 1126 years.

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This one I can appreciate somewhat. The woman was truly dedicated to her profession, regardless of the consequences.

  • The epitaph of the late Shirley Pitts of London, England, dubbed the “Queen of Shoplifters” reads, “Gone Shopping”.

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Everyone loves a good “Love” story and here’s a beauty.

  • “Husband: I anxiously awaiting you, 1827.” “Wife: Here I am, 1867 – Gravestones in a Paris, France cemetery.

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Here are two entries concerning two stubborn fools.

  • “Here stands old Britt Bailey” – Epitaph to James Britton Bailey, who was buried standing up because he refused to look up to any man.
  • A tombstone in Weather Hill, New England, reads: “Here lies the body of Samuel Proctor, who lived and died without a doctor.”

Here are a few rather interesting approaches.

  • A tombstone in a cemetery in Medway, Massachusetts, reads, “Beneath this stone, this lump of clay, lies Uncle Peter Daniels, who too early in the month of May, took off his winter flannels.”
  • “Here lies the father of twenty-nine, He would have had more but he didn’t have time.” – Gravestone in Moultrie, Georgia.
  • A gravestone near Uniontown, Pennsylvania: “Her lies the body of Jonathon Blake, stepped on the gas instead of the brake.”
  • “Owen Moore Is gone away, Owen’ more than he could pay.” – Epitaph in Surrey, England.

And finally a proper send off for an attorney.

  • The tombstone of an attorney in Willwood cemetery, Rockford, Illinois: “Goembel, John E. 1867-1946: The defense rests.”

Now for a couple of art related limericks.

For a sculpture that’s really first class,

You need form, composition, and mass;

To do a good Venus,

Just leave off the penis,

And concentrate more on the ass!

 

A lascivious lecher, called Fletcher,

Was also a talented sketcher.

Of ladies (quite nude)

He invariably screwed,

But did they enjoy it? You betcha!

I think that’s enough silliness for today.  Look for more limericks in the future because I recently stumbled upon quite the collection, most from the British Isles. They have an excellent approach to raunchiness that I really admire.