Archive for the ‘Poetry’ Category
I pride myself on having a huge and varied collection of limericks as you well know. Most of them are very old with the identity of the writers long forgotten. For the next two weeks I’ll be highlighting some of the more famous limerick writers with samples of their work. Most were well known poets, writers, and authors. Some of their limericks will be off-color and a bit sexual so I recommend that younger children be monitored. Over the next two weeks you’ll be introduced to some of histories best limerick authors. I hope you enjoy them as much as I have.
The first thing I’d like to do is give you a short history lesson on limericks because they’ve been around a lot longer than you might think. The first known limericks appeared in the early 18th century and they just happened to be written in French (and they weren’t called limericks then). Around that same time the Irish Brigade was serving in France (1691 to 1780). The short poems were eventually imported to Limerick, Ireland where their current name originated. Edward Lear 1812-1888, initially wrote many rather mild limericks. It wasn’t until the Victorian Era that the citizenry seized upon the limerick as a way to vent as many four-letter words as possible, much to the delight of young schoolboys. It seems that the bawdiest limericks of that time tended to be written by the British. A few samples of Lear’s tamer limericks will be featured in my next post in two days.
Here is a sample a moderately bawdy limerick of the era:
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Said a widow whose singular vice
Was to keep her dead husband on ice,
“It’s been hard since I lost him.
I’ll never defrost him,
Cold comfort, but cheap at the price.”
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My next post will be an introduction to Edward Lear who authored many limericks over many years.
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MORE TO COME
I thought today I would post a few sports related limericks. I need to cheer up a little after finding out the NFL morons put the screws to Coach Belichick. They couldn’t find a way to beat him on the field so they they took their cheap shot by denying him a first ballot entry into the Hall of Fame. If they had any balls at all they’d step forward and explain their reasoning. We need to know just who these stupid vindictive bastards are.
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I was told by a football-mad chum
He’d been badly mauled in a scrum.
One poor ear, I hear,
Ended up in the beer,
And his teeth in a quarterback’s bum!
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A golfer, employing a wedge,
Chipped his chip-shot behind a thick hedge.
But he hadn’t been seen,
So he strolled to the green
And dropped a new ball on the edge.
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A basketball player named Small,
Who was actually fourteen foot tall,
Could score just by standing
And putting his hand in
The basket and simply dropping the ball.
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There’s no-one so dreadful as Bender,
For batters whose bodies are tender.
He gets on their nerves
With his murderous curves
That demand either death or surrender.
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I trashed the NFL because of their mistreatment of Belichick. That was coming from a life-long Steeler fan whose teams regularly had their asses kicked by Belichick. Good is just good and admiration lasts forever.
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GO STEELERS & PATS AS LONG AS THEY AREN’T PLAYING EACH OTHER
As some of you will remember, I search constantly to find and purchase old books. I recently received one of the strangest books I’ve ever seen. The book is titled BIZARRE BOOKS – A COMPENDIUM OF CLASSIC ODDITIES. As we all know almost anyone can write a book. Some become famous and sell millions of copies but then there are these others. This book is a collection of nothing but book titles going back hundreds of years and to say some are strange is an understatement as you will see. I’ll be posting on more of these titles in the future after I finish reading the book. Todays topic concerns 15 book titles containing blatant Double Entendre. Here goes northing . . .
Games You Can Play With Your Pussy -1985
Miss Rod. The Girls Own Book – 1934
Queer Shipmates – 1962
Old Dykes I Have Known – 1996
Invisible Dick – 1926
Girls Who Did – 1927
Cock Tugs – 1963
Big Dick, the King of the Negroes – 1846
Memorable Balls – 1954
Drummer Dick’s Discharge – 1902
Cock Angel – 1928
Cobbler’s Knob – 1958
Fairies on the Doorstep – 1948
Joyful Lays – 1886
The Big Book of Busts – 1994
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SPECIAL THANKS TO RUSSELL ASH & BRIAN LAKE
(Just weird motivation to write your own book.)
I’ve been told for many years by a host of dog loving family members, neighbors, and assorted experts that “dogs are a mans best friend“. I think in some cases that’s true based on my years of experience with my father who raised and trained beagles. Our house was constantly filled with herds of puppies and I had the misfortune of shoveling a few thousand wheelbarrow loads of dog sh*t as one of my many disgusting chores. I’ve owned a few dogs over the years but finally came to realize and admit that I’m quite simply a “cat person“. I still like dogs but only if they’re someone else’s. Todays post is primarily for all of you dog lovers out there and includes a few of my favorite dog jokes which don’t require me to shovel anything.
What do you call a gathering of Pomeranians at a bar? YAPPY HOUR
What’s a dogs favorite wine? PLEASE, PLEASE, THROW MY BALL.
What are a dogs three favorite drinks at the bar? A MUTTINI, A COSMOPOODLETIN, AND AN AVALANCHE FOR ALL THOSE ST. BERNARDS OUT THERE.
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. “I can hardly believe my eyes!” he exclaimed. “That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen.” “Oh, he’s not so smart,” the friend replied. “I’ve beaten him three games out of five.”
Dogs will come if you call them. Cats take a message and get back to you.
My Favorite Dog Haiku
The sound of dog treats
Shaking inside their box
It’s like the angels singing.
A police officer and his K-9 partner were sitting in a parked police van on the side of the road. A little boy looked in the back of the van, then came around to the officers window and knocked. The office rolled down the window. “Is that a dog you’ve got back there?” the boy asked. “It sure is.” the policeman replied. The boy looked back at the van, then back to the officer. “What did he do?” asked the boy.
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CATS RULE !!!!!
We’re three days into the new year which naturally demands a fresh batch of cute and bawdy limericks. These might be considered unacceptable for the younger children so DON’T LET THEM READ THEM. I’d rate them as “PG”, so consider yourself warned. Here we go . . .
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There was a young sailor named Bates
Who did the fandango on skates.
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.
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I lost my arm in the army,
I lost my leg in the navy,
I lost my balls
Over Niagra Falls,
And I lost my cock in a lady.
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A lady both athletic and handsome
Got wedged in her bedrooms transom.
When she offered much gold
For release, she was told
That the view was worth more than the ransom.
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There was a young maid from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass;
Not rounded and pink,
As you’d probably think –
It was gray, had long ears, and ate grass.
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And here’s a fav from a long-term recovering Catholic.
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In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
Complacently stroking his madam,
And loud was his mirth
For on all of the earth
There were only two balls – and he had’em.
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HAPPY NEW YEAR
I’ve noticed in recent years that many people are questioning the value of a college education. I agree with that but not entirely. If you’re majoring in a useful subject that will help improve your life and that of society – DO IT! If your majoring in some lame-ass course that teaches you to spot acne forming on the asses of transgendered people – JUST STAY HOME. I’m a college grad who majored in Design and Commercial Art and I’ve never held any job even remotely related to it. Todays blog entry is proof that college degrees and college education are only as good as the student permits them to be. These items are called “malaprops” (meaning “inappropriate”) misstatements taken from actual high school and college exam papers. Sadly, they’re all true. Read on …..
- Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy.
- Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.
- Pharoah forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw.
- Moses led them to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
- Christmas is a time for happiness for every child, adult, and adulteress.
- Good punctuation means not to be late.
- Adam and Eve wore nothing but figments.
- Columbus discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic.
- The first book of the Bible is the book of Guinesses.
And last but not least My Fav.
If a pronoun is a word used in place of a noun, a proverb is a pronoun used in place of a verb.
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SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL TRADE SCHOOLS
I realize that it may be a little too early to be posting on this subject but what the hell. Every year I tease myself by listing a number of resolutions for the new year. My success rate leaves much to be desired but occasionally I actually DO complete a few. I’m posting early because my rate of success this year has been dismal. I’d blame some of it on my better-half who just completed her first year of retirement. To say she’s been a huge distraction is an understatement – goodbye to my wonderful days of PEACE & QUIET. Here’s my list for 2025 and all my lame excuses.
Read at least 100 books by years end (more if possible). If I finish reading my current book by years-end I will have read only 88 books. FAILED
Complete at least four illustrations for use as gifts for next Christmas. COMPLETED
Complete one sculpture using a technique I haven’t used before. FAILED – Due to my total lack of interest and laziness. Maybe this coming year I can get it done.
Show more patience to my better-half’s retirement adjustments. COMPLETED – I’ve shown more patience than ever before but I have a long way to go to satisfy her.
Attempt to write some serious poetry that’s worth reading. FAILED – Completed a few poems and a couple of limericks but I wasn’t happy with the less than adequate results.
Continued monitoring of the grandsons for new and exciting cuss words. COMPLETED – This may have been the easiest one to complete. It’s official, and thanks to day care, school, and some family adults the “F-Bomb” has been released. I’m so proud!!
Continue to ignore all of the weird and bizarre health tips from the Internet. COMPLETED – Thanks to all you internet experts and your misguided and incorrect medical BS.
My final tally was disappointing – 4 of 7 completed. I still have a few weeks to give a great deal of thought for my resolutions for 2026. It’s good to set goals even if you’re reasonably certain they won’t all be met.
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BETTER LUCK NEXT YEAR
I’ve always been a huge fan of westerns especially those starring John Wayne and Clint Eastwood. The western genre has also been exported to the entire planet making it possible to see many fans wearing boots and cowboy hats even in Japan. We’re in the final days leading up to the holiday and what better way to relax from all of the Christmas insanity, than to take a short mental trip to the Old West by way of limericks. These should be considered “PG”. Enjoy . . . Partner!
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While awaiting the Sioux to disband,
Colonel Custer took matters in hand.
Despite his dejection
He achieved an erection.
That was almost Custer’s Last Stand.
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A virgin who came from Durango
Always diddled herself with a mango.
“It’s delightful,” she said,
“To lie on the bed,
And put it where I won’t let a man go.”
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The explorers Lewis and Clark
Found their expedition something of a lark,
For Sacagawea,
Let both of them lay’er
That discovery they kept in the dark.
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The caldrons of Yellowstone Park
Are no place to have sex in the dark.
A young ranger tried –
Now his balls look deep-fried
And his prick like a stick sans its bark.
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ONLY TWO SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
I guess I’m feeling a slight tingle of Christmas spirit this week. Being filled with the spirit tends to make me feel a little lazy. So, after my third, forth, and fifth rum soaked eggnogs I decided to dive into some of my older archives for a few Christmas inspired limericks. Here goes nothing . . .
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Santa came home with a reindeer
And Mrs. Claus said with a sneer
‘Did you have to bring
That horny old thing?’
Rudolph said, ‘Madam, he lives here.’
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An elf said to Santa: “Oh Dear,
We’ve not enough presents this year”
That made St. Nick think:
Now he’d given up drink
He could give all the children some beer!
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I saw my mom and Santa having a chat
She told him he was much too fat
She then grabbed his behind
With eyes closed kissed him blind
Then they both fell down on the mat.
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Old Santa got drunk on warm ale
“I’m too old for Christmas” his wail
“But what of the toys
For the good girls and boys?”
“I’ll send all their presents by mail!”
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With the holidays on the horizon,
I placed twenty calls to Verizon.
They stuck me on hold
Til my dinner got cold.
And I still absolutely despise them.
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HO! HO! HO! 14 DAYS TO GO
With the holiday season in full swing I thought I should offer up some of my own holiday-spirit poetry original written in the 1920’s and 1930’s. A few off-color rhymes to help celebrate this holiest of seasons (sarcasm off) in my own special way. These should be rated “PG” so keep the kids away if you can.
1927
There was a young lady named Maud
A terrible society fraud.
In company, I’m told
She was awfully cold.
But if you got her alone, Oh My God!
1939
There was a young man from Purdue
Who was only just learning to screw,
but he hadn’t the knack,
And he got too far back
In the right church, but the wrong pew.
1938
There was a young man of high station
Who was found by a pious relation
Making love in a ditch
To – I won’t say a bitch –
But a woman of no reputation.
1940
In the shade of the old apple tree
Where between her fat legs I could see
A little brown spot
With the hair in a knot,
And it certainly looked good to me.
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And here’s my favorite, a salute from my birth year (1946) to all my Texas readers.
A girl named Alice, in Dallas,
Had never felt of a phallus.
She remained virgo intacto,
Because, ipso facto,
No phallus in Dallas fit Alice.
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