I’ve stated many times as to my love for limericks especially those written by Isaac Asimov. Along with Isaac you must give a shout out to John Ciardi as well. He and Asimov had great fun trying to outdo each other with their written limericks. They even jointly published a book about their limerick feud which is a classic. These four limericks were written by John Ciardi for that book in response to a few that Asimov had written. I’ve read their book many times and still enjoy their bawdy humor. I hope you will enjoy it as well.
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The Times tells the world what is doing; Who’s winning, who’s losing, who’s suing, Whose striking, who’s stealing, Who’s dying, whose healing, But won’t say a word on who’s screwing.
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The girl who is really unbeatable Is the one with whom sex is repeatable. Who’s eternally screwable And always renewable, And who, most of all, is found eatable.
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There was a young woman named Cora Lee Who said, “I will do it immorally On top and bottom, Any way that I’ve got them, Vaginally, anally, and orally”.
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There once was a wicked old squire Who burned with libidinous desire. After screwing a nun And the minister son, He took all the girls in the choir.
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THE BOOK IS TITLED – ISAAC ASIMOV & JOHN CIARDI – A WAR OF WORDS
I’m what most of you crazy avid sports fans would call a “fair weather fan”. I confess to that description to a certain degree. Only one sport has ever been all-consuming for me and that is baseball. I spent the better part of my youth playing baseball in Little League, high school teams, American Legion teams, and one local semi-pro team. Playing baseball was my life. Being on the field and playing was heaven for me but it has made watching modern baseball absolute torture. I was never bored while I was playing but watching it now is painful.
Todays blog will return me to those early years of baseball and will test those of you super-fans who have knowledge of the history of the sport. Here are some nicknames of well-known players from the past. Lets see how you do! As always the answers will be listed below.
WHO?
High Pockets
The Iron Horse
Goose
Little Poison
Three Fingered
Gabby
Bucky
Rube
The Trojan
Lippy
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Answers
George Kelly, Lou Gehrig, Leon Goslin, Lloyd James Warner, Mordecai Peter Brown, Charles Leo Hartnett, Stanley Raymond Harris, George Edward Waddell, John Joseph Evers, and Leo Durocher.
As most of you are well aware, I love limericks. And I don’t discriminate, I like them dirty, sexy, sassy, and any other way you can think of. With that in mind I recently discovered a book, a very small little book of limericks that were written more than 25 years ago. They’re not dirty, sexy, or sassy, but they are cute. These are silly limericks that will make you grin just a little and were almost certainly written for children. So if your let loose your inner child for just a bit you should enjoy these immensely.
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A ghost in the town of Khartoum Asked a skeleton up to his room. They spent the whole night In the eeriest fight As to who should be frightened of whom.
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A glutton who lived on the Rhine When asked what time he would dine, Replied, “At eleven, Four, six, three and seven, And eight and a quarter to nine.”
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A cheerful old bear at the zoo Could always find something to do. When it bored him to go On a walk to and fro, He reversed it, and walks fro and to.
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There was an old fellow named Green Who grew so abnormally lean, And flat, and compressed, His back touched his chest, And sideways he couldn’t be seen.
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There was the man from the city Who met what he thought was a kitty. He gave it a pat And said, “Nice little cat.” Just look at him now – what a pity!
I want introduce you today to a few limericks which have been laundered. I guess laundered means a lot of the truly vulgar language has been cleaned out and made more readable to entertain a larger group of people. I discovered these limericks in a very small little book published in 1960. They were newly written at the time but they’re still just as enjoyable as they were then.
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A herder who hailed from Terre Haute Fell in love with a young nanny goat. The daughter he sired Was greatly admired For her beautiful angora coat.
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There was the young laundress named Singer Whose bust was a round pink humdinger. But flat, black and blue It emerged into view The day it got caught in the wringer.
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A merchant addressing a debtor Remarked in the course of his letter. That he chose to suppose A man knows what he owes And the sooner he pays it the better.
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The bashful young bachelor Cleary Of girls was exceedingly leery. Then a lady named Lou Showed him how and with who He could render his evenings more cheery.
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And here’s a tongue twister for you.
Drew drew Lulu in a tutu, Lulu in a tutu Drew drew, Lulu drew Drew, too, Drew drew a few anew, Till who knew who in the hell drew who.
As a rule I try to keep the people in my life unnamed in this blog. I’ve had a few family members get upset in the early days and after the bitching and complaining was over I set a new policy. No family members names or photographs will ever be used. I’ve managed to follow that policy religiously for years until today. I appreciate poetry and try to experience as much of it as I can from a variety of poets. Today I’m going to reproduce a letter written by Kahlil Gibran from his collection of love letters. It is titled “To Mary”. It touched me deeply. I hope you enjoy it.
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I love the valley in winter, Mary, when we sit by the fire, with the fragrance of burnt evergreen cypress filling the house and snow falling outside, the wind blowing [it], the ice-lamps hanging outside the window-panes, and the distant sound of the river and the voice of the white storm uniting in our ears.
But if my little loved-one were not near me there would be no valley, no snow, no fragrance of cypress bough, no crystal lamps of ice, no river song, no awe inspiring storm . . . Let all these things vanish if my blessed little one be far from them and from me.
I’m happy to share this little bit of emotion from a superb writer.
It’s another gray and rainy day here in Maine which always gives me a terrible case of the blahs. So, this is the perfect day for me to return to my easel and complete some art projects that I’ve had going on for some weeks now. I can just relax and get into “the zone” while working on these projects which helps me forget what a really crappy day it is. With that thought in mind, I dug into my archives of old limericks for a selection dated in the late 1960’s and early 1970’s. Maybe one or more of them will make you smile a bit, who knows? For the most part they are rated PG.
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A virgin emerged from her bath In a state of righteous wrath, For she had been deflowered When she bent as she showered, And the handle was right in the path.
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A born again Christian named Claire Was having her first love affair. As she climbed into bed She reverently said, “I wish to be opened with prayer.”
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A penny-less colleague named Cy, Remark to a lass passing by, “I’ve never adjusted To being flat busted.” Said she, with a sigh, “Nor have I.”
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There was a young fellow named Dice Who remarked, ‘They say bigamy’s nice. Even two is a bore I prefer three or four, For the plural of spouse, it is spice.”
I’m quite the fan of word games, puns, and almost anything related to the written or spoken word. The English language is a real minefield for immigrants to navigate and truthfully it’s just as tough for some of us home grown types. Todays quiz will test your knowledge of our language with trivia on words and phrases and how they came to be. As always the answers will be listed below.
What is the measurement of “one foot’ based on?
Who invented word “carport”?
What ails you if your suffering from a bilateral preorbital hematoma?
What are you afraid of if you have ergophobia?
In Japan, what automobile part is known as a bakkumira?
What is poliosis?
What is the chief symptom of someone suffering from oniomania?
What is the origin of the word hoax?
What does Iwo Jima mean in Japanese?
How did the common airgun become known as a BB gun?
How did “bloomers”, ladies pantaloons, get their name?
Answers
One third of the length of King Henry I’s arm, Frank Lloyd Wright, A black eye, Work, A rearview mirror, Graying of the hair, Uncontrollable urge to buy things, Its a contraction from hocus pocus, Sulfur Island, From it’s Ball Bearing ammunition, From suffragette Amelia Bloomer.
As you can see by the title this post is a Limerick Alert. Sometimes that means bawdy and off-color, and other times lame and just plain entertaining. Something else that we all seem to love are our pets and animals, therefore all of today’s limericks will be “animal” related. Here are four examples that caught my eye and I hope you enjoy them. I’d rate these limericks as “G” so the kids can read them too.
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There once was a young lady named Maggie Whose pet dog was terribly shaggy, The front end of him Look quite vicious and grim, But the tail was always friendly and waggy.
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The thoughts of a rabbit and sex Are seldom, if ever, complex. For a rabbit in need Is a rabbit indeed, And does just as one might expect.
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A freshman from down in Laguna Fell madly in love with a tuna. The affair, although comic, Was so economic, He wished he’d have thought of it soona!
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A sightseer from far McAboo, Observed a strange beast at the Zoo, When she asked: “Is it old? “ She was smilingly told It’s not an old beast, but a gnu!.
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And finally a clean favorite for my better-half the gardener:
My father, a former USN sailor, absolutely loved Bermuda. His ship made numerous stops there during the war and he told me on many occasions how he wished he could live there. I’ve never been lucky enough to visit Bermuda but it certainly looks like a wonderful place. Here’s a short historical story you might enjoy.
Fact: Bermuda has a robust history of pirating.
Seven supply ships sent out for Virginia in June 1609. It was the maiden voyage of the London Companies flagship Sea Venture, the first British merchant vessel designed to transport passengers. Battered for days by a hurricane, the fleet was scattered, and construction flaws caused the Sea Venture to leak badly. Spotting land, company Adm. Sir George Somers deliberately steered the ship onto the reefs, enabling his crew and passengers to escape. Stranded on a desert island, the survivors built two boats and finally reached Jamestown nine months later.
Based on that shipwreck, England laid claim to Bermuda, which was incorporated into the London Company’s charter. And a later account by Sea Venture survivor William Strachey reached England and became the inspiration for William Shakespeare’s final play, the Tempest.
Fact: Rainwater captured from the roofs of its buildings is Bermuda’s only source of fresh water.
A poem of Bermuda:
wings catch the wind’s plea, ancient calls across the miles, new lands greet the sun.
Todays post contains a modest collection of ethnic Irish humor. The jokes are quite lame and unfortunately the limericks are quite tame. Since I have a few Irish ancestors hiding in my family tree, I feel obligated to share some of their humor with you. And not to ignore the obvious Irish traits and traditions, I’ll be drinking a glass of excellent Irish whiskey as I type this post. And before anyone asks . . . no, I don’t have red hair.
Lets start with a few one liners.
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He was a terrible wreck and his trembling hands told the whole story. “Tell me,” asked his doctor, “do you drink much?” “Deed I don’t. Sure I spill most of it.”
“That will be five pounds or a month in jail,” the judge said sharply. “Very well, sir,” said Flaherty, “I’ll take the five pounds.”
Then there was the Irish shopkeeper who said his eggs were so fresh the hens hadn’t missed them.
Here a a couple of true Irish limericks.
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A lovely young maiden of Kilglass,
Who wore intimate garments of brass.
Pat, one night on the porch,
With an acetylene torch,
Just melted her resistance, at last!
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A western young lady named Flynn,
Would tell of her plans with a grin,
“I intend to be bold,
In manner untold,
For there’s need of original sin.”
And last but not least, some pithy Irish sayings for your pleasure.
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Then there was the Irishman who was asked the difference between an explosion and a collision. “In a collision,” he replied, “there you are but in an explosion where are you?“
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She was only a whiskey maker’s daughter but he loved her still.
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A notice in a Galway newspaper some years ago is worthy of preservation: “Because of a lack of space a number of births have been held over until next week.”
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The police department magazine in Dayton, Ohio, once carried the following ad: For sale, second-hand tombstone, excellent buy for someone name Murphy.
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