Do you consider yourself a food addict? Unfortunately every human being on the planet is, like it or not. We’re obsessed with food for our entire lives and without it we would cease to exist. That’s obviously an addiction I can and have learned to live with.
As I watch TV everyday the constant stream of food-related instructional programming is enough to drive me up the wall. Never in my life did I imagine just how wrong I’ve been eating and drinking and truly enjoying myself. Actually if the experts are right, everything that I eat is unhealthy, lacking nutritional value, and will eventually kill me. Fifteen years ago eggs were the killer and a few years later, whoops, all of a sudden a couple of eggs a week is no problem. Drinking coffee is bad and then it’s good. Eating sugar is dangerous and then it’s good in moderate amounts. Drinking soda is bad, turn it into diet soda, then it’s good, closely examine the sweetener in the diet soda, and then it’s bad again.
I’ve been convinced over the years that all of these so-called experts haven’t got a clue. Every expert that I can find tells me of food products that are bad. The problem is, I can find just as many that will tell me that they aren’t. Don’t even get me started on all of the other things these alleged experts tell us. Don’t drink the water, don’t breathe the air, why not just drop over dead and get it over with.
I’m not here to try and explain their motives, their inaccuracies, or their self-righteousness. I’m just saying that even the dumbest person I know can eventually figure out how ridiculous it all is. Now I’m going to fill your head with some ridiculous food-related information that is just as educational as all of the nonsense supplied from food manufacturers and also from our friendly know-it-all government. Let’s get started.
500 million Hostess Twinkies are sold every year.
In America, Coca-Cola out sells Pepsi. In Saudi Arabia and Quebec, the opposite is true.
The average ear of corn has 800 kernels.
Black olives contain 10 to 30% more oil than green olives.
Watermelon is a vegetable.
The national drink of Iceland is a potato schnapps called Black Death.
M&M’s were named after candy developers Forrest Mars and Bruce Murrie.
The Marquis De Sade loved chocolate so much he had it sent to him in prison.
The Aztecs considered avocados an aphrodisiac.
I’ll bet my information is just as factual as all of those expert’s and a helluva lot more interesting and silly.
Today I’m concentrating on hair. Not the lack of it but the overall abundance of it. I discovered as I aged with the help of certain women that hair is almost as important to them as penis size. The trends these days for men seem to be the metrosexual look, the less hair the better except of course for the hair on the head.
As I began to lose my hair a few years back I was actually traumatized by it for a while. As the hair slowly faded away a strange thing happened, I felt an odd freedom. I swore then and there I would never become that guy with a bald head and a fringe around the bottom. When the time came I didn’t hesitate to rid myself of all my head hair once and for all. No more freaking haircuts, no more hair products, and no more competing with other men for style points. I thought I was home free from hair issues but once again I was wrong.
This isn’t me . . just so you know.
Soon I met and fell head-over-heels for Miss Right. After dating for months she informed me in no uncertain terms that I had way too much hair everywhere on my body. Trust me, I’m not a very hairy guy and I thought at first she was just messing with me. I found out later she wasn’t. My ear hair was found to be too untidy and too long. My eyebrows were too bushy and too unkempt. Hair on my chest and arms needed constant trimming and I wouldn’t even mention the pubic hair discussions we had.
It became a day-to-day battle between us because the constant inspections were making my hands all sweaty. I felt like I was back in the Army. Then came the night of too much drinking, too much laughing, and too much schnapps. While under the influence of alcohol I agreed to certain hair removal requests and told her I would take care of the hair maintenance issues in the morning. And then went to bed and fell into what was a deep alcohol-induced dream-state. Upon waking in the morning I discovered that while I was dreaming she had been clipping. I was brought into the 21st century, hairless, with a whimper and not a bang.
The battle continues to this day and I have long since regrown most of the missing hair she removed that night. I did manage one act of defiance in an attempt to regain possession of my testicles. I grew a mustache and beard just to mess with her. The daily inspections continue and I guess I’ve adjusted to them as best I can. Her inspection routine was recently updated and now includes the beard and mustache, so I guess I really haven’t made much headway in the hair wars after all.
And neither is this.
I was shopping recently and observed a rather lovely young lady with three times as much hair on her arms and legs as I have. She was also showing some little dark puffs peeking out from her armpits. Maybe I’ll finally be safe if the current trends are shifting back to the 1800’s. Then my better-half will be buying me gallons and gallons of Rogaine to spread all over my long and beautiful body. I can’t wait.
If you could make any wish and know it would be granted, what would it be? Would you be like any number of Miss America or Miss Universe contestants and ask for world peace? Some people would ask for money and lots of it. There are a million things to think about before making such a tremendous decision. Would you wish to be king or queen of the world and rule your kingdom anyway you please and God help the disbelievers.
Most of our politicians would ask for a healthy and happy electorate with a chicken in every pot and a car in every garage. What they really want is continuous reelections without campaigning and the ability to act in any manner they please both sexually and otherwise without consequence. Again read between the lines. They really want total power over as many citizens and their tax dollars as they can get. They want to be able to give big money jobs to their friends and relatives without having some reporter in their face.
The Hollywood types would ask for a steady diet of big roles, big movies, and the undying gratitude of the masses. Of course, they would tell the world they really are asking for world peace, no poverty, and the rescue of the unfortunates in Africa. You must learn to read between the lines when dealing with actresses and actors too. Most of what you see and hear is smoke and mirrors but they think we’re all too stupid and believe everything they say.
The criminal element wishes for the ability to steal almost anything, find a place to sell the merchandise, and then get lots of money, money, money. They then move to a tropical island, lay on the beach, and throw the finger at the world. They don’t kid around, they wish for exactly what they want and aren’t afraid to stand up and shout it to the world, give it to me or I’ll just take it.
So where are you in all of this? What’s your big wish? Money and fame? I know, now you want me to tell you what I would wish for. Let me qualify my answer with a few facts first. I am the ultimate cynic and skeptic. I trust almost no one and I believe almost nothing I hear and only half of what I see. I expect the worst from people and when I’m wrong I celebrate. Unfortunately in dealing with people for as many years as I have, I’m not wrong very often. So here’s my answer.
Nobody’s going to give you a damn wish, so wake up! Too much Wishing and Hoping and Singing and Praying and Planning and Dreaming.
I think it’s time for a serious rant about this wonderful but addictive society we’re all members of. For years we’ve been slowly retrained to believe that every bad thing we do isn’t our fault. It’s the fault of our parents, our teachers, our bad friends, and last but not least, because of our genetic predisposition for addiction. What it’s finally come down to in this country is the fact that we are not permitted to like anything too much.
When I was growing up we had addictions but in my opinion they were the real deal, drugs and alcohol. It wasn’t until the liberals and courts opened Pandora’s Box and decided that those addictions were really just serious medical conditions. That’s when our real problems began. Those terrible addictions were first declared a sickness, then an excuse for a disability check, and now it’s become the rationale for every bit of bad behavior you can think of. If you like candy too much, you’re addicted to candy. If you like scratching your ass, you’re labeled an addictive ass scratcher. It’s the current trend to label any activity someone likes a little too much as an addiction.
It’s not our fault that we drink too much, take illicit drugs, steal, murder, rape, and assault our children. We can’t help it, it’s a medical issue. We should never be prosecuted or jailed for our bad behavior, just cut us a government disability check because we’re addicted. We’ve become a society that just can’t or won’t deal with personal responsibility.
Government and courts are as responsible as anyone for this. You can commit heinous crimes against society but before you can be convicted you’re required to meet with lawyers, therapists, counselors, priests, nuns, and every once in a while an actual member of law enforcement. You can meet with law enforcement but the Miranda ruling forbids you from talking to them without an attorney present.
The nanny state has made it impossible to deter crime by consistently attempting to remove all of the tools available to law enforcement. If the liberals have their way they would abolish the death penalty and take away all rights from the citizenry to own and carry weapons for their own protection. That will put us all at the mercy of the criminal element who will be armed and dangerous and preying on us at will.
I could easily list three hundred addictions currently available for people to help them escape responsibility. I won’t list them all because most right-thinking people already know how big the list is and what’s on it.
I’ve had my own set of terribly dangerous addictions that I’m forced to deal with everyday. I love eating good food, drinking good wine, watching beautiful women, playing video games, and many others. I’m sure it won’t be long before I’ll also be able to collect a big fat disability check for these terrible addictions.
Maybe under the Biden Administration I can find the help that I obviously need. Maybe I should just turn myself in to the authorities before I’m forced by my medical conditions to commit a crime of some sort. Then I’ll be eligible for free therapy sessions (court-mandated) that will cost the taxpayers thousands of dollars. I’ll get a free court appointed attorney who’ll take me by the hand and lead me to the promised land of free money, free food, and freedom from prosecution due to my medical difficulties. Isn’t America wonderful? Land of the free, not hardly, and home of the brave, not hardly. The only bravery I see these days is from those citizens who’ve volunteered to serve their country by wearing the uniform of our military.
I profess to be an anti-stupidity warrior and I’m proud of that title. I’m constantly pointing out the fools in our political system because they make it so damn easy. They’re “targets of opportunity” and the “gifts that keep on giving”. In recent months I’ve been much kinder to these folks because I’ve begun to feel sorry for them. Most of them are so clueless they don’t even realize what they’re doing and saying and how it’s being perceived by us low-life, mouth-breathing, and unwashed peons.
With that in mind I thought I’d broaden my search for non-political dopes who are also making themselves famous in their own right. We’ve all had exposure to the Darwin Awards which primarily deal with idiots and how they kill themselves. I’d hate to infringe on their area of expertise when so I’ll just stick to the common, everyday, garden-variety, dopes who make me smile. These following blurbs I’ve picked up over the years and are stories of real people told by other real people. Enjoy them.
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Our phones went dead and I had to call the phone repair people from a public phone.. They promised to be out between 8 a.m. and 7 pm. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, he asked and I quote, “Would you like us to call before we come?”
I live in a semi-rural area. We had a new neighbor call the local town hall administrative offices to request the removal of a deer crossing sign on our road. Reason: Too many deer were being hit by cars and she no longer wanted them crossing there.
My friend and her daughter went to a local Taco Bell to order some tacos. She asked the individual behind the counter for “minimal lettuce”. He said he was sorry but they only had iceberg.
A friend was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?” She said, if it was without my knowledge, how would I know? He smiled and nodded knowingly and stated, “That’s why we ask.
I once worked with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her, could not understand why her computer system wouldn’t turn on.
When my friend and his spouse arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up their car, they were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. They went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As my friend watched from the passenger side, he instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. Hey, he said to the technician, “you know it’s open.” “I already got that side” was the immediate answer.
I’ll bet if you spent ten minutes a day you could compile a list much larger than this one in just a few days. They’re out there in big numbers just waiting to be recognized and it’s our duty as fine upstanding citizens to give them all the credit they deserve.
I’m forever slamming politicians and their ilk anything and everything I can. I feel it’s my obligation as a citizen to give them all the credit they deserve, both for good and bad. But it’s the weekend and I’m feeling less intense today and in that vein I offer some political humor from various sources. They made me smile so I stored them away for this occasion. Enjoy!
This first humorous story isn’t truly a political story but it has political implications if you read between the lines.
There’s an old sea story about a ship’s Captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the First Mate that his men “smelled really bad”. The Captain suggested it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally. The First Mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced the “Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear”. He continued, Phillips you change with Jones, McCarthy you change with Witkowski, and Brown you change with Schultz. The moral of this story is that someone may come along and promise change, but don’t count on things smelling any better. (Applies to all parties.)
George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red telephone and askwhat the phone is for. The Devil tells them it’s for calling back to earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he’s finished the Devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check. Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she’s finished the Devil informs her that the cost is six million dollars, so she writes him a check. George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he’s finished the Devil informs him that the cost is $5.00. When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the Devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply. The Devil just smiled and replied, “Since Biden took over, the country has gone to hell, so it’s a local call”.
Some of you may think those two stories aren’t all that funny but get over yourself, they are. If you’re a conservative or a Republican I’m sure you enjoyed them and if your a Democrat or liberal you probably didn’t. I don’t really care. I enjoy ridiculing all politicians, regardless of their party affiliation. Just remember, this blog isn’t Fox News or MSNBC and I’m certainly not “Fair and Balanced”. I have a serious dislike for them all.
It’s the dream of every American to own their own home. Owning a home has always been an important symbol of a person’s independence and financial stability. In these somewhat precarious times home ownership has become something much different. It’s a new pandemic economy.
That being said it’s still better to own a home than to rent. I’ve owned a number of homes over the years and not only were they a financial plus, I just really enjoyed maintaining them and improving them. I’ve always taken a lot of pride in any home that I’ve owned and that’s why I’m so particular about what I allow on my property.
I’ve had good neighbors, bad neighbors, and neighbors who I’ve desperately tried to forget. My father always told me that “good fences make for good neighbors”, and it’s still true to this day. I’m a firm believer in maintaining minimal contact with neighbors except in cases of emergency where they may need help or assistance. I’m a big proponent of the Neighborhood Watch concept which accomplishes important tasks for the protection of the neighborhood and its children. It’s only when you begin to socialize with your neighbors that trouble is sure to begin. Being my neighbor doesn’t make you my best friend, only an accidental acquaintance brought about by my purchase of my home.
So with some humor and a little seriousness here’s my list of ten things I never want to find in my yard. This list has been compiled over the years and includes information about past and present neighbors.
Phony and disturbing faux-sculptures made by neighbors from a collection of junk.
There’s nothing like waking up every morning to a large pile of lamely connected garbage which has been anointed as “fine art” by my neighbor. Where’s that stick of dynamite when you need it?
Dogs and their ever-present droppings.
What’s better than taking a walk around your yard after a summer rain and stepping into a pile deposited by the neighbors dog. Don’t you just love the smell of “dog shit” in the morning.
Tire tracks.
Finding these early on Sunday mornings mean empty beer cans somewhere nearby.
Salesman and their line of BS.
Invest in a mean and nasty dog or a really fine looking “NO SOLICITING SIGN“.
Jehovah’s Witnesses, your attitude and literature.
This is a particular favorite of mine. I love inviting them in for some bad language and inappropriate stories.
Mother Nature’s Little Friends.
Feeding birds and squirrels are one thing but all of the deer, skunks, and other garden eating critters place their lives at risk by entering my garden.
Nosey neighbors and their endless curiosity.
This is when a fence would come in handy.
Mailbox crushing snow plows.
This has cost me four mailboxes in six years and the town takes no responsibility. This is called “Government doing it to the people”.
In-laws and other unfriendly family members.
Keep the bed hard, the food bad, and always be short of beer and liquor.
Outlaws and other criminal types.
Buy a gun or two and lots of ammo. Once you enter my home uninvited it becomes what us former military men call “a free fire zone”. Don’t even think about it.
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I’ve had a menagerie of neighbors over the years and could tell you stories you wouldn’t believe. I’ve had some I’ve liked, some I have loved (literally and figuratively), some that I’ve hated, and many others I’ve never gotten to know at all. Overall I was always considered by most of them to be a better-than-average neighbor.
Have you ever had a nickname? Is it a nice nickname or was it a name given to you by others that was mean and nasty like Ass-Wipe, Shit-for-Brains, or Dick-Face. For some reason I was never cool enough to have a nice nickname, I was always just plain John or worse. I’ve been called just about everything at one time or another but I never could get that cool nickname like the other kids always seem to have.
I had a friend whose nickname was Chiseled-Chin and he was really proud of that name claiming it to be a complement to his genetic heritage. His whole damn family had chin’s you can hang your hat on. I guess that tells me your nickname is what you make of it. Although, if you’ve got a really nasty one (Doggy Breath, Jeannie Jaws, No-Tits) it’s damn near impossible to turn it into something positive.
Even celebrities have nicknames and we seem to buy into them immediately without question. All Sean Combs needs to do to get a new nickname is to call a press conference and proclaim it to the world, “From this day forward I’m going to be called Puff Daddy”, and then a few months later it’s P-Diddy, and God knows what his next reincarnation will bring.
Really famous Hollywood types change their names to whatever the hell they please because their actual names just doesn’t look good “up in lights”. **AND STARRING TONIGHT **, Cheryl Sarkisian and Paul Rubenfeld. That’s actually Cher and Pee Wee Herman.
Richard Nixon was Tricky-Dicky and Terry Gene Bollette is Hulk Hogan. Would you buy a rap album from someone named Earl Simmons or do you throw your money at some badass guy named DMX. Would you get excited watching Frances Grumm dancing and singing her way down the yellow brick road to meet the wizard? Not likely.
I have to admit I’ve given out my share of nicknames to people, some good and some bad. The good ones can be flattering and I use them for many of the women I’ve dated, loved, and married. Beautiful, Sexy, Slim, or Gorgeous. The bad ones were mainly for people I disliked or those who had already tagged me with some sort of insulting nickname. Fair is fair after all. I’m offering all of you who’ve never had a real nickname to visit this website: namegeneratorfun.com. You enter your name and sex and it will create a list of potential nicknames that you can choose from. My final list of possible nicknames was Square Jaw, Johnski, Spanky, and Johnzy. I think I’ll choose SPANKY because it has such multiple interesting meanings. It’s like the program knows me personally or heard about me from someone else, it’s freaking amazing. (Sarcasm off)
So this is Spanky signing off for today. I hope each of you can find that perfect nickname to make your life complete.
SINCE KEVORKIAN PASSED AWAY, DR. DEATH IS UP FOR GRABS
I’ve mentioned on many occasions about how my family and friends supply me with odd bits of information. It started decades ago and over the years I’ve read thousands of tidbits of information, sayings and quotations. When I found one that really grabbed me I’d write it down in my notebook. I’m going to list a number of them here today because I’m sure you’ll enjoy them. I don’t know the authors of many of these but that’s totally irrelevant. It’s the information that’s interesting, not so much the person who supplied it. I feel these sayings are worth repeating. Here they are…
Everyone lies about sex.
Religious men are fools!. Fools should be taken lightly.
The 10 best years of a woman’s life are between the ages of 29 and 30.
A parent is a little kid pretending to be a big kid so his little kid won’t be afraid.
Being involved with two women is like playing pool on two tables. You may have enough balls for it but you’ll wear out your stick.
When angry, count to 4; when very angry, swear.
A yawn is a silent shout.
The great artists of the world are never Puritans, and seldom respectable.
There are no premature babies, only delayed weddings.
There’s always free cheese in a mousetrap.
Chastity is curable if detected early.
The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of their tires.
If Christian nations were nations of Christians, there would be no wars.
Colleges don’t make fools, they only develop them.
Common Sense could prevent most divorces and all marriages.
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Well there you have it. Today’s list of interesting and sometimes humorous thoughts and quotations. There will be more to come in the near future.
As most of you are aware I am a lover of all things trivial and historical. I love all history but especially my own. Now it’s time for me to take you on a little trip down memory lane back to 1960. I’m going to introduce you to someone in my life who left me with vivid memories of school and a few emotional and geographical scars.
The lady in question was my eighth grade geography teacher. She was obsessed with geography to a fault. She was one of the meanest teachers I’ve ever had but also absolutely unforgettable (and not in a good way). On the first day of classes she told our group that half of our grade for the entire year would be based on our ability to memorize all the countries of the United Nations in alphabetical order and to recite it in front of the class. We spent many a day standing in front of the classroom and reciting as best we could as many of the countries as possible. Did I learn the countries, you bet I did, and at that time there were 82 of them.
All of us students agreed that she was an absolute lunatic and that was never disproven. She passed away many years ago and I actually sat in a bar that night with a close friend, another of her students, and toasted the old girl with a few stiff drinks. I didn’t attend her funeral but I was tempted to because I wanted to make sure she was really gone. This post is a something of a memorial and tribute to miss Mabel Milldollar, one of the most unforgettable persons I’ve ever met. This list of trivia items would have been something she would have loved but only if she could have used the information to create one of her memorable pop quizzes. They were brutal. Let’s get this started….
The part of the United States that the sun shines on first is the top of Mount Cadillac in Maine.
The state of Hawaii is composed of 132 Islands.
25% of the State of California is made up of deserts.
The southernmost tip of Africa is the Cape of Agulhas.
The northernmost point in the United States is the city of Point Barrow, Alaska.
The city of Timbuktu is located in Mali in Western Africa.
The Sahara desert in North Africa has an area of 3,250,000 square miles.
Western South Dakota marks the geographical center of the United States since the addition of Hawaii and Alaska.
Piccadilly Circus in London got its name from collars, called picadillo’s, that were made by a tailor name Robert Baker who created them in the area.
The highest uninterrupted waterfall in the world is Angel Falls in Venezuela. It has a 3212 foot drop.
The lowest point of dry land on the earth is the shore of the Dead Sea, between Jordan and Israel, which is approximately 1300 feet below sea level.
I hope you’re smiling up at me Miss Milldollar because you couldn’t possibly be looking down on me. Your evil brainwashing techniques would have certainly qualified you for special duty at Club Gitmo. No terrorist in the world could have stood up to that “evil eye” you were famous for. I hope you’re sitting in the corner of wherever you happen to be with a pointy dunce cap on your head and having your hand smacked with a big ass ruler.
everyuselessthing.com 