Archive for the ‘Sarcasm’ Category
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I feel like I’m in a rut of late which means this posting may ramble a bit. I seem to spend most of my time these days doing yard work, gardening, fighting with my computers, exercising, and reading endlessly. I’ve complained for decades that I never seemed to have enough time to read as much as I’d like and now I do. I should know by now to be careful what I wish for.
I set a goal for 2015 to read two books a week. I thought that was an unreachable number but something still worth shooting for. Believe it or not I’m ahead of schedule for the first seven months with a total of fifty-eight books read. I must have been out of my ever-loving mind. Since we decided to eliminate cable TV from our lives my reading time has increased ten fold. I’m making Amazon really happy because my purchases of Kindle books has also increased dramatically.
My better-half agreed to work a special two week schedule for Lowe’s requiring her to wake up at 3:00 am and to return home at 2:30 pm. Of course that also means she’s asleep by 7:30 pm giving us approximately five hours a day together. Just what I didn’t need was more free time to read.
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I still love reading but OMFG. This home has become a flop house for a cat who sleeps eighteen hours a day and for me who reads almost that much.
With the fiasco of Windows 10 making me crazier than usual and frustrating me beyond belief I immediately fell back to reading as a way to clear my head of all things “computer”. I never thought I’d see the day when I’d say something like this but I have no choice . . . Microsoft sucks!
Things have gotten so bad of late that I’ve actually considered going back to school just to have something to do. For someone who absolutely hated every school he’s ever attended, that quite the admission.
I’ve even thought about going back to a daily posting of this blog but decided against it. I’d rather start a new blog entirely to take a more critical look at current events and politics from my unusual and sarcastic perspective. I’m feeling a little meaner these days and with Obama on his way out the politicians of all parties have once again become fair game. It’s what our military would describe as a target rich environment.
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So to summarize . . . I’m freaking bored.
I just returned from the UPS Store where I dropped off the last of the equipment to be returned to the Dish Network. I wanted to make sure I mailed them as quickly as possible because their veiled threats of future penalty charges were wearing thin. I now have my receipt in hand and they can go find someone else to screw with. The only chore I have left is to remove that attractive satellite dish from the front of my house. I may be forced to repurpose that dish for further use because I have hundreds of birds in the area who’d appreciate another place to bathe. SEEYA DISH!
Today’s posting will be a lot of useless whining but I need to vent before my head explodes. Yesterday was Windows 10 day here at my house. What a huge pain in the ass that turned into. Two of my computers were eligible for the free upgrade and since I’ve always disliked Windows 7 and absolutely hated Windows 8.1, I was ready for the change. That old adage of “Be careful what you wish for” always seems to remain relevant.
My desktop was first up and should have been an indicator of where I’d be heading for the remainder of my day. The desktop was a Windows 7 unit and while the upgrade was over and done with in thirty minutes it created other problems. Anyone who knows anything about computers also knows that a Microsoft upgrade means additional problems. My desktop is located in a basement office a fair distance from the router. It always had a bar and a half on the wi-fi meter and that was sufficient to operate on the Net. After the upgrade I no longer could connect to to my home network. What a shock! (Sarcasm on) My final solution to the damn problem was either to buy a range extender or move my office elsewhere. More money down the drain for an range extender making my free upgrade not so free . . . add $90.00.
Then I began the conversion of my laptop that was running Windows 8.1. A handful of error messages and four hours later and it was finally done. A nice quick Microsoft fix. (more sarcasm) I let you know in a week or so just how stupendous Windows 10 is or isn’t. I’m not holding my breath.
I’ve been attempting in the few years to fight the powers-that-be to regain some control over my life. I dumped Time Warner because they were big fat liars and then signed up with Dish Network. Then after the first year at Dish they turned into the little brother of Direct TV and started jacking up their prices. They seem to think they have the moral high ground because they lie a little less than Direct TV. It’s a small difference to those of us who are the screwee’s (my made up word).
A few years ago I went through the same process with the cell phone carriers. It never seems to end with these companies who appear to have the government regulators in their pocket. They have us by the throat in a government regulated death grip and they never stop squeezing. Network upcharges, surcharges, taxes, fees, and anything else they can think of. “Land of the Free” has no meaning for me any longer.
The golden rule, "Do unto others what you want them to do unto you”, has always been meaningful but I think it now needs a bit of rewording.
“Shut the hell up, bend over, and like it.”
Starbucks . . . what can I say about Starbucks? Something good? Something bad? I have it . . . something sarcastic, of course. As most of you are aware I’m not their biggest fan. The only accomplishment that Starbucks can claim as their own was to increase the price for a simple cup of coffee from $.10 a cup to prices well north of $3.00 a cup. Thanks a lot Starbucks!
My dislike of Starbucks is directly related to the area of the country from which it sprung. I passed through the northwestern section of this country in the mid-sixties on my way overseas and then again upon my return. I’ll never forgive or forget the shabby treatment most of us servicemen received from the left leaning liberal residents of the area.
That being said let me tell you about my visit to Starbucks yesterday. I was dragged out into the heat of the day to accompany my better-half running errands. She stopped for a quick hair trimming and I was left sitting in the car sweating my ass off. It was either sweat and be miserable in the car or go into the nearby Starbucks and be unsweaty and just as miserable there.
I ordered my “Grande” coffee which for you normal people out there means a “Large”. I guess it hurts less when you’re handed a “Grande” coffee and charged $3.50. Seated next to me were a foursome of young ladies that appeared to be in their early or mid twenties. I noticed them immediately because only one of them had blue hair and the total number of piercing for the table was less than ten. Shocking!
They were getting a little boisterous in their support for those Greenpeace heroes attempting to block a river in Oregon by hanging off a bridge and floating below in the river on their kayaks. Years ago I was an avid Greenpeace member but abandoned their organization when their goals and principles took a strong left leaning direction. These young ladies were fully in support of this blockade but didn’t see the obvious irony. Greenpeace is blockading an oil ship from passing as they sit in the middle of the river in plastic kayaks. They must have forgotten that those cute little plastic boats are made from plastic, a petroleum bi-product. How ironic and hypocritical at the same time, a liberal specialty.
“They should try this logo, it might increase their market share.’
I didn’t engage them during their group rant but I did laugh out loud a couple of times. It’s good that they have a sympathetic company like Starbucks that supplies them a place to hang out and support all of the tremendously unimportant liberal causes . . . of course at a price, $3.50 a Grande.
I’m only making a joke about South Canada. My better-half and I spent our evening yesterday enjoying some of the crowds and nightlife in Old Orchard Beach, Maine. I call it south Canada because the majority of people I mingled with last night were speaking French. Does anyone but me think that the French language is sexy?
I’ve had a fantasy since age eleven that had me moving to France, meeting a beautiful French women, and having her whisper sweet nothings in my ear forever. Last night will probably be as close as I ever get to fulfilling that fantasy. I sat next to a rather attractive women who spoke to the bartender in French to order a drink. I have no idea what she ordered but that sexy voice speaking French really got me going. Am I a bad man? If I am, I don’t think I care that I am.
We started out in the Strike Zone Bar with drinks and a great baked haddock dinner. Then it was a nice walk to the Pier and the beach in the center of town where a concert was in progress. The Salvation Army was out in force, had erected a rather cool stage, and the group “Unbound” was rocking the house.
After their final set we set off to the amusement park to throw away some of our hard earned money on those normally hokey carnival style games. I dropped five bucks throwing ten stupid whiffle balls into holes trying to win a stuffed animal. Fortunately I didn’t win, thank God. The last thing we need is more stuffed animals in our house. I already feel like I’m living with Jim Henson as it is.
Here are a few snaps I took as we walked around.
It’s a requirement of my better-half to make the obligatory trip to the arcade to rub elbows and everything else we have with the crowds of people and to play a few games of Skee Ball. It allows her to reminisce for a few minutes about bringing her kids here when they were growing up. Since they’ve grown up and gone I get to be their stand-in.
Our last stop for the night was at DQ for ice cream and I went a little overboard. I’ve been dreaming about a big disgustingly unhealthy banana split since last summer. I violated every eating rule established by my healthcare experts and pigged out. It was freaking orgasmic to say the least.
And so ended another night in South Canada where fun was being had by all. We’ll be returning soon on a future weekend to spend the afternoon on the beach and the night cruising around and enjoying the beautiful weather. I may be forced to sign up for a night school course to bone up on my French language skills. I need to know how to order a Jack Daniels and Pepsi like they do in Quebec.
It’s a Saturday morning in Maine in July. It’s rained through the night and everything is wet and bright green as you’d might expect. The downside is that it’s 6:00 am and my better-half has awakened me because of our planned trip to a nearby church festival. I was informed that it’s critically important that we arrive before 8:00 am before all of the good stuff is gone at the Flea Market. Just as a point of information the “Flea Market” is nothing more than the basement of the church filled to the rafters with crap. If I chose to be politically correct it could be called antique, vintage or preowned but that would be stretching the meaning of those words to the limit. Imagine thousands and thousands of objects discarded by hundreds and hundreds of people scattered across forty of fifty tables, in side rooms, and even outside in tents. The great majority of the items are priced at a dollar or less and even then it’s a rip-off (in my humble opinion). I understand it’s money raised for a church charity so overcharging for crap is accepted and expected.
It was so crowded with crazy people I could barely move around. I felt pressured and obligated to buy something because this flea market was being run by a friend and former co-worker. I dug down deep into my moth infested pocket where I found two one dollar bills. I decided on a purchase which I would present to my better-half on her birthday. I imagine every women in the world wants, needs, and desires a beautiful yet tacky Betty Boop toilet paper roller.
After that purchase I fled the scene and returned to the fair for some greasy and unhealthy fair food. There was plenty to go around.
‘Salted, greasy, unhealthy, and almost delicious.’
‘Hot sausage sandwich, peppers, onions, and a butt load of cholesterol.’
‘Chicken anyone?’
With my belly full I made a bee line for the tent where the books were being sold. I try to buy a sufficient number to carry me through the upcoming winter but the selection wasn’t as good as in previous years. I purchased a few but disappointed there weren’t more.
No real fair or festival fails to have the obligatory Disney presence with Mickey and Minnie posing for pictures with the kids. I asked cute little Minnie to sit on my lap for a picture but she adamantly refused. Nobody likes a prudish and fake mouse and she was really mean too!
My better-half made a number of trips to the car with her arms loaded with just about everything. She bought food, toys, raffle tickets, and enough other crap to fill my trunk and backseat. I was more than a little happy to see that church in my rear view mirror as we pulled away.
Another three and a half hours of my life I’ll never get back.
I’m writing this mid-year review of my New Year’s resolutions and it seems I’m doing a little better than I’ve done in the past. Just as an FYI, here’s a copy of the disclaimer I used after completing my review of 2014’s resolutions.
“Four completed out of seven seems pretty good to me but I need to improve that next year. I’d really like just once to complete all of them but I always seem to get sidetracked with other stuff. I may need a few easy ones for 2015 that won’t require me to work so hard. With that thought in mind here is my new list.”
Here we go with this year’s results, so far.
A: COMPLETED, I actually increased my time to forty-three minutes per session.
A: COMPLETED, This one was easy.
A: COMPLETED: This one was even easier.
A: COMPLETED, Believe it or not I’ve been extra good with this. With the birth of a second grandson I will now remain F-Bomb free for at least another year and a half.
A: COMPLETED, and still going strong.
A: INCOMPLETE, It’s hard to break this one semi-bad habit but I’m trying.
A: INCOMPLETE BUT IMPROVED, I no longer feel the least bit tempted to prance even after receiving a number of rather nice emails from my anonymous admirers.
A: INCOMPLETE, I have a few new scars but he really deserves being messed with.
a: INCOMPLETE, I’m averaging just over 400 and I hope to make up some ground this summer.
So far this year I’m well on my way to accomplishing five resolutions out of nine. I’ll be working hard for the next six months to get my numbers up and in line with my predictions (eternal optimism is not my strong suit).
If I ever complete all of my resolutions in a given year it will be an effing miracle and the world will come to an end.
I’m not normally a person captivated by breaking news events nor do I feel the need to be the first person to spread the word about certain occurrences but today is an exception. So here goes. . .
I received a tidbit of news this morning from an anonymous source that my previously mentioned garden marauder, aka "The Skunk", may have been fatally injured during the night. I’m aware that my earlier threats against his life could possibly make me a person of interest in his disappearance and possible death.
I’ll probably spend the day waiting around for the inevitable arrival of the animal homicide investigators. I also heard there’s been a rash of similar deaths in the last few weeks and no real leads or clues have been discovered. It’s only a matter of time until they pick up the rumor of my blog and those rather inappropriate death threats.
At 3 am my source just happened to be nearby when the "The Skunk" was observed slowly slinking through my yard towards my garden. It just so happened that just as he was nearing the garden he was accosted by a couple of strangers. Within seconds loud and shrill screaming was heard by neighbors sounding much like someone being assaulted and badly injured. The screaming continued even louder but seemed to be slowly moving towards a nearby wooded area where it suddenly stopped. All was quiet in the neighborhood for the rest of the night.
After listening to that report and being the experienced criminal investigator I am, the next morning I hurried to the alleged crime scene. While I found no traces of blood or indications of a tussle I continued collecting what few facts that were available.
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Fact #1 – I actually heard the screams outside my bedroom window that night but saw nothing suspicious.
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Fact #2 – I found no evidence at the scene of violence being perpetrated.
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Fact #3 – My garden was untouched for the first time in weeks.
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Fact #4 – I personally saw no suspicious characters in the neighborhood that night nor did I hear anything that would help me identify the unknown subject or subjects (the UNSUBS).
The next day I was approached by two investigators who required me to supply them with an alibi for the time in question. Since they could find no forensic evidence at the scene they began the process of building a circumstantial case with me as their chief suspect. While my better-half was asleep beside me that night she was unable to verify my presence or supply me with an believable alibi.
‘Suspect #1’
Later that same day I heard a rumor that I immediately conveyed to the investigators concerning two suspicious and dangerous looking characters seen in the area. They’d been spotted with the victim near the scene of the alleged crime on the night in question by an anonymous source,who I refused to identify. They were very upset with me but I do have the constitution right to protect my sources.
“Suspect #2’
A little later in the day an APB was sent out to all nearby neighborhoods with a BOLO on these two suspects. They were described briefly as being similar in stature, approximately 24 inches tall, wearing shaggy overcoats, and with a mean and hungry look in their eyes. Other information received indicated they were members of a notorious local gang called "The Coyotes". Many suspicious deaths have occurred in the past in this area that were attributed to this gang but no arrests have never been made.
Hopefully this will get these pesky investigators off my butt. They’re now requesting all of my guns for ballistic testing on the side chance the victim’s body will eventually be located. I immediately checked with my attorney and we refused to give up my weapons. They left in a huff but there is no doubt in my mind that this matter wasn’t going to be dropped anytime soon.
Trust me, they’ll never find the body.
‘Owwwww, That Smell”
What do you consider as a day in your life you’d never forget? Is it the day you found a $10.00 bill in a parking lot or is that day you had the best sex of your life? I’m sure that all of us have a few of those memorable days we enjoy looking back on.
Early in my life I decided that the reports of an afterlife were just so much hokum and I needed to approach my life in a manner that reflected that thought. If this existence was all we’d ever have then I needed to aggressively pursue those things I really desired. If I didn’t obtain them and experience them now I’d never get another chance.
I left home for college, then quit college , joined the Army, went to Korea, fell in love, returned to the states, became a cop, got married, hang glided, sky dived, and bungee jumped. Moved to New England, became a businessman, joined Greenpeace, left Greenpeace, started a business, adopted a son and became a long distant cyclist. Stood on the summit of Mt. Washington in a thunder storm with my hands in the air and a prayer on my lips. Became a pretty decent racquetball player, got divorced, sold my home and moved to the coast. Bought a house on the water, bought two ferrets, and partied for two years. Lost my job, sold my house, and moved to Maine. Bought my first digital camera, got a job interviewing criminals, bought another house, met the love of my life, and settled down.
Sounds like a pretty strange and wonderful life so let me tell you what I did yesterday. On a damp and crappy day I spent an hour and a half standing in and shoveling compost. To misquote Robert Duval in the movie Apocalypse Now, "I just love the smell of compost in the morning." There’s nothing quite like the smell of rotting organic material wafting into your nostrils and making your eyes water. It’s sticks to your shoes and later in the day you may even find a few small chunks in the folds of your clothing as a further reminder.
I’m now officially adding that job, COMPOST SHOVELER, to my endless list of dumb-ass jobs and even dumber-ass accomplishments that continue to keep my life so interesting. I guarantee I won’t be looking fondly on today’s task in the future but my memories of that smell are permanent.
‘Live Your Life’
Are you as sick as I am about all of these computer companies who insist on convincing or coercing every person in this country to use "The Cloud"? You can’t seem to buy software of any kind without that gentle shove by the company to convince you to place all of your personal writings, business writings, financials or anything else you can a think of on their version of "The Cloud".
Is anyone on this earth unaware of the risks we take just by being on the Internet. Viruses appear without notice almost every day or so we’re told by McAfee. Hackers are constantly breaking into those so-called secure sites and making the lives of us poor morons miserable. They’re costing us a lot of money each year to try and protect ourselves and it seems no matter what big companies do, they can’t protect themselves and our most private information.
Three times in the last few years I’ve been forced to change my credit and debit cards because someone was buying music or other things with my card numbers in Paris, France, Cleveland, Ohio and Montreal, Canada. I have those expert security specialists at Home Depot, Hannaford Foods, and Anthem Blue Cross & Blue Shield for making my information available to every hacker and thief who has a computer. I’m easily paying more than $200.00 a year for virus protection of my home computers and even a monthly charge for my freaking telephone. Do you see where I’m going with this?
Yesterday I was taken by surprise when Microsoft notified me via Facebook that they were making the MS Word program available for free to users of the IPad. I was thrilled because I’ve been loyal to Microsoft for decades. It’s only within the last year or so that I’m becoming more and more disappointed with them. After the X-Box One fiasco that make the device incompatible with a couple of decades of game software I’d already purchased, that was Strike One. Strike Two was my purchase of a MS Surface tablet. It crashed within a week of the purchase and with no help from their Tech Support took me a month to figure out how to reset it. Of course I lost all of my information on it as well.
Strike Three is this App which might be free but has a lot of strings attached. If you create any documents of any kind you’re forced to save them on the MS “Cloud” called “OneDrive”. There is no option that will allow you to save them just to your tablet. In my opinion it’s those kind of strong-arm tactics that could get me to walk away from MS entirely. Oh and by the way, you can take your Office 365 program and stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Everyone knows and worries about Google becoming too intrusive when they save every piece of information about us they can get. I understand now they have access to and save information on virtually every website we visit on the web. People are concerned about Muslim terrorists but compared with Google they’re inconsequential.
I took steps this year to install my own “Cloud” in my home with no available access from the net. All of my information and backups are now stored safely out of reach of the online thieves and hackers and controlled only by me.
So here’s my final thought for Microsoft. It’s time to get your collective heads out of your collective asses and get back to being the company we’ve all come to know and trust over the years. Bring Bill Gates back if you must and maybe he can stop you from following down that road right behind Google.
Since you’ve used up your three strikes, I just deleted your free Word App from my IPad. I never thought I’d see the day when Microsoft wasn’t leading the technology revolution by taking it in new and exciting directions instead of following along behind others like a lap dog.
As much as I’ve tried I’m still unsuccessful in eliminating politics from my long list of topics of conversation on this blog. To say I’m disgusted would be a huge understatement. I’m seeing things happening these days in this country that are impossible to believe. On top of that we’re being lead by a President who is an absolute disgrace to both the political system and to the country itself. The only disappointment greater than his presidency are the millions of people in this country who listened to his BS, bought it hook line and sinker, and voted for him twice.
‘U . . S . . A!, U . . S . . A! , U . . S . . A!’
The downfall of any successful enterprise is having an uncaring or uneducated group of people in places of responsibility. With that thought in mind maybe we should once again listen to the men who helped create this nation instead of ones who are trying to damage it as much as possible. It could take a new generation of intelligent and caring people to undo the damage caused by this man and his administration in a short eight years. The real problem in my mind is an electorate that seems willing to give total control of their lives to a group of elitist fools concerned only with their own wants and desires instead of those of the country.
I again sincerely apologize for talking about politics on this blog. Maybe these gentlemen can explain it better than I.
‘George Washington’
“Precedents are dangerous things; let the rein of government then be braced and held with a steady hand.”
‘John Adams’
“The most sensible and jealous people are so little attentive to government that there are no instances of resistance until repeated, multiplied oppressions have placed it beyond a doubt that their rulers had formed settled plans to deprive them of it.”
‘Thomas Jefferson’
“The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not.”
‘Abraham Lincoln’
“Be with a leader when he is right, stay with him when he is still right, but, leave him when he is wrong.”
Pick the group you want responsible for you and your families future.
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