Archive for the ‘Sarcasm’ Category
I always try to plan ahead for ideas for this blog but today I’m having a difficult time concentrating. I’m a lover of all new technology and make it a point to stay up to speed with new software and hardware as it comes available. Today is one of those days that computer junkies fear the most. No working internet connection.
We had a moderately heavy rainstorm last night and things were fine when I crashed into bed at 1 am. I awoke this morning and my internet connection is dead. While my in-house network is still functioning thanks to a battery backup unit, good old Time Warner’s internet feed is missing in action. Unfortunately our house is located in a semi-dead spot for internet, GPS, and telephone reception. I have range extenders for damn near everything but they also run in conjunction with the internet.
In order for me to make or receive calls today I’ll be forced to drive a few hundred yards up a nearby hill near the house to get just two bars. My alarm system is sending me text messages on the phone (3G) telling me the system is off. Damn, tell me something I don’t know.
In the past the system usually comes back on-line very quickly but not today. It’s been four hours already and still nothing. And of course their telephone lines are busy, busy, busy.
Let’s kill some time today while I wait for the internet to return by revisiting some things I truly enjoy and that’s limericks. I’ve collected many, written a few, and they always seem to lean to the naughtier side of things. Some of the best I’ve ever seen have come from Great Britain because they’ve been writing them for centuries and have some of the naughtiest and funniest. I’ll try to keep todays collection naughty but nice and I’ll skip the x-rated stuff for now. Here’s five of my fav’s.
#1
With a maiden a chap just begat
Bouncing triplets named Pat, Nat, and Tat;
Twas fun in the breeding,
But hell in the feeding;
As there wasn’t a spare tit for Tat.
#2
There once was a young lady named Hilda
Who went out with a top body-builder;
He said that he should,
That he could and he would,
And he did and it damn near killed her.
#3
A notorious harlot named Hearst
In the pleasures of men is well-versed;
Reads the sign at the head
Of her well rumpled bed;
“The customer always comes first”.
#4
There was a young fellow from Kent
Whose tool was incredibly bent;
To save himself trouble,
He put it in double,
And, instead of coming he went!
#5
As the elevator car left our floor,
Poor old Sue caught her boobs in the door;
She yelled a great deal,
But had they been real,
She’d have bellowed considerably more.
***
‘And one from an anonymous kid.’
Hopefully some time today I can get these posted but I’m at the mercy of the Time Warner road crews. Here’s one of my own limericks I wrote after living in Maine for more than ten years. No names have been used to protect the somewhat innocent.
There once was a young lady from Maine
Who ruined her dress with a stain.
She thought she was clever,
But her mother knew better,
And asked “What the hell is his name”.
It’s now been eight hours without the internet and it just came back on. “Better late than never.” should be scrawled somewhere on Time Warner’s Logo.
ENJOY YOUR DAY
I’ve been accused on any number of occasions by any number of people of being impatient. Not just a little impatient but brutally so. Over the years it’s become less of a problem but in my younger days it was truly a bitch to deal with me. I wished on many occasions that I could loosen up enough to keep myself from going a little bonkers but it was difficult.
I was reasonably successful in most of my career endeavors and while impatience kept me focused and motivated it tended to irritate and annoy many others. Procrastination in others was my second biggest complaint and those that reported directly to me paid a price if they were so inclined. I have no regrets about those years to be sure but even today procrastination makes me a wee bit crazy.
Over the years my impatience has prompted many posting on multiple blogs concerning the over use of advertisements on TV and just about everywhere else. It made most forms of entertainment difficult for me to watch because of all of those annoying interruptions and distractions. Then my prayers were finally answered . . . . . . Netflix.
Watching television or movies and having total control is something that takes a little getting used to. No more sitting and waiting for shows to begin, no constant interruptions with stupid ads, and the ability to pause the show and return at my convenience. It’s freaking awesome. I also subscribe to Amazon which is very similar to Netflix in some ways and is money well spent in my opinion.
Unfortunately I use the ROKU service to connect my televisions to the Internet and most of their extra services and channels are filled with ads causing me not to often use them. ROKU provides an excellent gateway for streaming but paying them additional fees for programming and movies over and above the cost of their devices remains annoying. My ever present impatience with anyone who insists on trying to remove money from my wallet keeps me looking for better alternatives every day.
Being free from the clutches of cable TV now makes changing companies very easy too. No more contracts, everything is month-to-month, and more vendor possibilities are being created almost weekly. If a company is dumb enough not to cater to their customers then I will move on to someone who does. For a change we the consumers finally have a modicum of control over our costs and time like never before.
Hooray for us!
I’m still lying in bed this morning and wondering what this day will bring. I seem to be unmotivated more than usual and I’m trying to snap out of it but it isn’t working all that well. I just poured my second cup of coffee which I hope will jolt me enough to get me moving.
It’s been a week of cold nights, semi-warm days, and some of the weirdest nightmares and dreams I can ever remember having. The dreams started in earnest about five nights ago and I remember the details rather vividly. That in itself is a little usual and the fact that they’ve been extremely sexual is just a plus I suppose.
I’ve always loved dreaming and actually look forward to having them and remembering them. Dreams just fascinate me. I realize that almost everything we’ve ever seen or done in our lives is stored away in our brain somewhere but how that information is accessed and displayed in a dream is awesome and mysterious. It’s like having a time machine that makes it possible for us to drop into our past, see any number of old friends, dead family members, and some special situations with a twist of the weird thrown into the mix. I especially like the weird dreams and can only pray that I remember all of the juicy little details. As with everything the devil is always in the details and there seems to be plenty of devil in my dreams of late.
Dreams also make it possible to mend old relationships. Over the years my dreams have made it possible for me to develop a better relationship with my late father and to even mentally create a better relationship with a borderline horrible ex-wife. Little does she know all of the wonderful things she’s done for me and to me in my dreams. Some good, some really fantastic, and a few that were utterly disgusting. Oh baby!
In my dreams I’m always searching for something. I’ve either lost my car or can’t find the person, place, or thing I’m looking for. While I’m searching I run into people I knew or people I thought I knew and have some truly strange adventures. In many of these adventures I have the ability to fly which is really cool. I’m also naked in many of the dreams which can be troubling but it makes flying a whole lot more fun. I’m not sure why exactly but my dreams have gotten progressively more interesting as I’ve aged. I have no idea why and believe me I’m not complaining.
My morning caffeine is finally kicking in and this lemon poppy seed muffin is absolutely scrumptious. I’m almost ready to leap to my feet, throw on some clothes, and go do something. I’ll wait a few more minutes before leaving this bed because I desperately want to rerun the dream I had last night.
Where else but in a dream could I be snuggling up with a warm, naked, and exceptionally friendly, Lindsay Lohan. Up until last night I wasn’t even a fan but after that dream we shared I may have to reconsider her status. I’ve always considered her to be a somewhat sleazy character but in that dream she’s proven herself to be all that and more.
I can’t wait for tonight.
Have you gotten your flu shot yet? For the last month I’ve been receiving emails from damn near everyone reminding me to do so. OMFG . . . every year it’s the same damn thing. It seems everyone on this planet knows how to keep me healthy better than I do. Up until three years ago I’d never had a flu shot but finally gave into all of the pressure from friends, family, insurance companies, and doctors.
Four years ago I came down with a wicked case of the flu that actually was so bad I thought I was going to die. Since fear is the ultimate motivator for us poor humans I decided to finally give in and get flu shots on a regular basis.
I understand how the shots are supposed to work but as with all things I’ve become somewhat skeptical. I have very low expectations of most people because they insist on telling me things that forward their agendas instead of my own. People say I’m too cynical, skeptical, and pragmatic but after years of experience I’ve found myself correct more often than not.
I made my way to Rite-Aid a few weeks ago with a note from my insurance carrier and a pat on the head from Medicare. The process was simple, straight forward, and before I knew it I was in, inoculated, and done. Then I sat down and began to peruse the pile of paperwork they handed me. A rather nice young lady took some of her valuable time to tell me about some of the possible symptoms I could expect. First, within 48 hours my arm would be a sore and might stiffen up a little. In a week after that I would likely have issues with headaches and possibly a minor fever. I thought for a minute that I was flashing back on one of those hundreds of TV drug commercials we’re bombarded with. I sat patiently waiting for her to include anal leakage as one of my symptoms but she never did . . . thank God.
It’s now two weeks later and I’m going through my list of symptoms right on schedule. I had the required sore arm for a few days which was annoying but not too terrible. I could still pick my nose but it hurt a little. The arm remained sore for almost a week until the headaches kicked in. The arm still hurt but I was more concerned about the headache that was threatening to blow the top of my head off. I’ve never been prone to headaches or migraines but this had to be something very similar. I spent my days popping dozens of Tylenol and was still unable to sit quietly to read a book. I won’t even get into the side effects from taking all of those damn Tylenol. All I could think about was how lucky I was to have so many smart people convincing me to get that damn flu shot.
Next the low grade fever arrived right on schedule. It’s been sapping my strength for the last week but finally seems to be easing up some. So for more than three weeks now I’ve had what I’m told is a mild case of the flu. My last serious bout with the flu lasted only a week but so far this alleged mild version has hung in there for three weeks.
I’m beginning to believe that the cure is actually as bad if not worse than the disease. Thanks to everyone who convinced (conned) me to get that effing shot. All I really want to know now is who do I contact later in the Fall when I actually get the real flu. I have a strong cynical feeling that may occur as well.
It’s funny but I’m also sure if I do actually get the flu all of those alleged experts who strong-armed me into this flu shot will be missing in action. They’ll return next year in larger numbers to again frighten and strong-arm many of us once again.
LONG LIVE THE HEALTHCARE SYSTEM
The annual Fryeburg Fair began yesterday in southern Maine. It’s what amounts to a week long farm show as similarly held in many other states. My better-half and I usually visit the event mid-week in an attempt to avoid huge crowds. We’ve never attended the opening day festivities because that would be crazy. Unfortunately this year we lost our minds and got a little crazy.
Fryeburg is a community with an average population of approximately 3500 people. It’s listed as the 102nd largest town in the state of Maine making it no more than a small black dot on the map. The week of the Fair brings between 350,000-400,000 visitors to town and yesterday it felt like they all arrived at the same time. It made for a rather uncomfortable day for those of us with claustrophobia issues.
‘Jumbo Donuts appear to be very popular.’
At 10 am the crowds were so so thick it was difficult to move around. The entire fairgrounds was packed solid with people and the lines at almost every food vendor were unbelievably long.
One of the most annoying problem for me was the number of people riding around on electric carts. I hate to use a broad-brush approach to people on those carts because some actually do need them but I saw quite a few that looked in a lot better shape than me cruising around, talking on their phones, and wolfing down Jumbo Donuts. It just gives me pause.
I avoided entering most of the buildings due to the large crowds but it was even difficult to take photographs outside. In years past we’ve spent as much as eight hours at the fair but yesterday we left after just three and a half hours.
If we never learn anything else we now know that opening day should be avoided at all costs. Don’t misunderstand what I’m saying. It was nice to get out and enjoy a beautiful sunny Fall day and the Fair food was greasy and delicious as always. We’re actually considering a second visit later in the week when the crowds thin out a little and we can really enjoy ourselves. You can be sure of one thing, we’ll never be there again on opening day.
‘Gridlock traffic in town as well.’
‘This is written with my tongue lodged firmly in my cheek.’
Where did our Summer go? It seems like just a short time ago we were complaining about the heat and humidity and WHAM, all of a sudden we’re rolling into October and looking down the tunnel at that proverbial bright light approaching at seventy miles an hour. That light is the damn holiday season quietly sneaking up on us. It’s October for God’s sake. Doesn’t anyone care that it just too damn early to be worrying about the holidays. Stop the madness people.
I was in Lowe’s yesterday visiting my better-half who was tied up with a number of other employees doing their Christmas reset. Just shoot me now, please. What the hell are they thinking.
These retailers claim they start their seasonal BS early because of the huge demand for their holiday products. Honestly, when was the last time you ever heard anyone . . . that’s ANYONE say they were happy about seeing the Christmas season starting in early October. Never!! The truth of the matter is that the demand is created by the retailers themselves who lower their prices just enough to entice customers to the store. They can be so disingenuous at times it makes me crazy. It just goes to show you how stupid they think we the shopping public are. And sadly they’re right!
I refuse to be manipulated anymore. No early holiday nonsense for me, no Black Friday idiocy, and no paying attention to the thousands of emails that will be clogging my mailbox over the next ten weeks. I’m done with it.
I plan on spending exactly fifteen minutes on Christmas shopping this year and thank God for Amazon. A five minute walk-in at Toys R Us for two gift cards, a five minute walk-in at Home Depot for one gift card, and finally five minutes to order seven additional gift cards from Amazon. That leaves just a few gifts I need to purchase for my better-half which will be ordered on-line as well and shipped directly to our house.
Stick those gift cards in an envelope with a Christmas card and a short note and you’re DONE. No more stress, no more purchases of gifts that no one really wants or appreciates. Get your gift cards in the mail, buy what you want, and leave me alone. I never intend to spend more than an hour on Christmas preparations ever again.
I’m only asking Santa Clause for Amazon or Kindle gift cards this year since I’ve been very, very good. I’ve spent too many years getting clothing I hate and would never dare to wear, smiling and lying about how much I liked that fruit cake I received, and all of the required traveling around the countryside in terrible weather to visit people. I’m sorry folks, it’s nothing personal, but in my opinion if you’ve seen one Christmas tree you’ve seen them. So here is my collective seasons greetings for most of you in case I forget later.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN
HAPPY THANKSGIVING
HAPPY HANUKKAH
HAPPY STUPID KWANSA
HAPPY SEINFELD FESTIVAS
MERRY CHRISTMAS
HAPPY NEW YEAR
I’m exhausted already from just listing all of this foolishness. I wish I could just go find a cave and hibernate until February 15. It would make for one of the best holiday seasons ever if I could.
BAH HUMBUG
Anyone who ever met my late father and had more than a two minute conversation with him was sure to have heard the term "Sh*t List". Some one was always being added to his never ending list and included almost anyone who ever annoyed or irritated him.
He and I disagreed on many things but I really loved the idea a list of people, places, or things that ruined my day in some fashion. My better-half and I adopted the practice a number of years ago and swore to each other to keep our candidates on the list only until they reversed their offensive actions. They could then be removed after a probationary period that included one additional visit from us showing remorse for their questionable actions or bad attitudes. It’s a dirty job but someone has to do it and there are times when I wish it wasn’t me.
Our list contains the names of dozens of retail cashiers and managers who were rude or just plain ignorant. In most cases that included the retailer they worked for and who permitted their bad behavior without taking appropriate action. Walmart has been on and off the list at least three times already and we been forced to keep a close eye on them. Home Depot was a regular offender until recently when their latest customer service program began producing excellent results.
If you’re wondering why I’m posting this information, let me explain. We consider it a public service to let people know where the places that suck are located. Today’s announcement concerns the Appleby’s restaurant located in Biddeford, Maine.
Four years ago we placed them on the list for their high prices and less than delicious food. Their waitresses were unfriendly and a bit snotty. We waited a few years until we’d heard of a major menu change to more of a bistro or sports bar style of food. After our next visit we were thrilled to remove them from the Sh*t List. Major improvements were observed in all categories.
I’m saddened to report that Appleby’s is once again back on the list. They seem to have become complacent once again and are backsliding into the proverbial dumpster. Since they’re a second time offender we won’t be returning for at least a year to check on them.
Being a public servant can be really inconvenient at times because we’re slowly running out of restaurants where we can eat.
WE ARE EQUAL OPPORTUNIT SH*T LISTERS
I always seem to be talking about Winter approaching these days and with good reason. Winter in Maine lasts at least six months but it certainly seems longer. Just two weeks ago I was sleeping under a ceiling fan for eight hours a night because it was so damn hot and humid in the house. At the time I thought that miserable hot weather would never let up. Let me tell you, it’s let up.
‘Ahhhh Memories’
As of last night I’m convinced Winter is much closer than I thought. The last few nights we’ve had temperatures in the low forties which are wreaking havoc on what remains of the garden. I was reminded early this morning when the cold air in the room jolted me awake. Last night was the first official #5 night for my electric blanket. Unless some sort of Indian Summer happens it could mean an early arrival of the season which includes an unwelcome amount of our favorite white stuff.
Fall is probably my second favorite season of the year after early Spring. I love the vivid colors of the foliage just like every other photographer on the planet. Maine is already known for it’s beautiful scenery along the coast and inland in the forests and around the many lakes. Throw in millions and millions of colorful leaves and it becomes for a short time an effing paradise.
My cameras and lenses are cleaned and ready. My snowblower’ been taken out of mothballs, gassed up, and ready to go. All that’s left for me to do is the unpacking of my unfashionable and ugly winter clothing. It’s almost impossible to look good wearing three layers of clothing, a hat, gloves, a scarf, and big clunky boots. . . and unfortunately I’m just talking about the women. The men look even worse as they let their beards grow out and suit up with their favorite snowmobiling outfit. There’s nothing better than hanging around an ice fishing hut with a few of your buddies telling tall tales about fishing, hunting, and sexual prowess and guzzling as much beer as you can drink.
The never-ending number of hunting seasons always irritates me a little. There are times when entering the woods around here to take pictures can be a life threatening situation. If you not wearing bright red or fluorescent green you could easily be mistaken for a moose, a turkey, or even a cow. It’s a little like Vietnam out there if you throw in a few cases of beer to make things interesting. Scary doesn’t even begin to cover it.
As you can see from my remarks, I’m neither a hunter nor a fisherman. I’ve never been all that crazy about killing helpless animals with high powered weaponry and high tech fishing paraphernalia. I prefer to do all of my shooting with a camera. I also hate the thought of eating wild game thanks to my father who insisted I try to eat a little of everything he ever shot. Yuck!
Time to Crank up the electric blanket and hunker down for another six months of snow, sleet, and ice. I only hope I don’t slip and fall this year and break any additional bones. Trust me, it’s happened before.
How often do you open your eyes in the morning and spring out of bed to face the day? If you do, congratulations, but if you don’t then you’re like me. I lay there for at least ten minutes with my eyes tightly closed and not moving a muscle. If I made any movement my big hairy alarm clock (the cat) will pounce on me in a flash. He wants fed and watered and won’t take no for an answer.
If things are really quiet I know my better-half has already left for work making it possible for me to ease into my day. I make my way to the WC, take care of that business and then to the kitchen to feed the effing cat and get COFFEE!!!!. Without the promise of coffee I’d never leave the bedroom.
I made a trip to Lowes yesterday and purchased some lumber for today’s project. I decided to get a jump on 2016 by making a few alterations to the garden before the snows arrive. I’m hardy ever this motivated but I convinced myself to get off my butt and do something useful.
The better-half and I discussed making garden changes last week and I think I even surprised her a little yesterday. I decided to add two side frames to the garden that will be used to grow nothing but sunflowers. The total square footage will increase by only 32 square feet but that’s more than enough room for a lot of sunflowers. The better-half loves them almost as much as the birds that eat them do.
The first chore was to dig up the existing grass for removal to other areas of the yard to re-sod a few bare spots.
The soil in this area contains a lot of clay and it makes growing things difficult. That’s the reason for the frames. They are are to be filled with a lot of good topsoil and fertilizer to help those sunflowers along.
It’s takes a lot of work and time to carefully move the sod. We have one section of the yard that’s refused all of our efforts to grow grass. I’m hoping this effort today will finally solve that problem once and for all. After all of that work I’m left with two area like this:
Come April and May I’ll be so glad I finished this project today. Thank God for dark roast coffee.
On any given day I’m never sure what’ll happen around here but today even surprised me a little. I was minding my own business and enjoying my life until I found a corpse in my driveway. I make it a point to be aware of what goes on around my residence by checking things regularly every day. I was able to determine the time of death based on my last patrol of the property and let me tell you that corpse was fresh.
With my investigative background it took only a quick glance to determine that this death was not accidental. . . . it appeared to be murder. I could plainly see the blunt force trauma to the head and several deep puncture marks along the side of the body. It wasn’t pretty.
‘Deadly head trauma to be sure.’
I closely searched the surrounding area looking for obvious clues but found nothing. This investigation really couldn’t be all that thorough because I no longer have access to the appropriate forensic equipment except for latex gloves and a big, old magnifying glass I found in a drawer.
In recent weeks there’ve been reports of suspicious behavior by a gang of delinquents (coyotes) roaming around the neighborhood after dark and wreaking havoc throughout the area. It’s resulted in the loss of a number of household pets and those guys are persons of interest.
‘He never had a prayer.’
There was no way to identify the body so we’ll just call him Mickey Doe. He had brown hair and a large unruly mustache. I was able to get a couple of photos of the body but they added very little to the investigation. As you can see this will be a difficult case to solve and I expect it will go cold rather quickly.
‘Some serious bite marks.’
My main suspect lives across the street and is often seen skulking around looking for trouble. He had motive and opportunity because I saw him just before finding the body as he was high-tailing it home to hide under the porch.
As of this report the case remains open. I was forced to remove the body from the driveway and reverently picked it up by the tail and tossed it into the woods. We have no refrigeration facilities here to store corpses.
Another sad and merciless loss of life here in Maine.
BE ON THE LOOK OUT FOR THIS GUY
FANGED AND DANGEROUS
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