Archive for the ‘Sarcasm’ Category
I’m only making a joke about South Canada. My better-half and I spent our evening yesterday enjoying some of the crowds and nightlife in Old Orchard Beach, Maine. I call it south Canada because the majority of people I mingled with last night were speaking French. Does anyone but me think that the French language is sexy?
I’ve had a fantasy since age eleven that had me moving to France, meeting a beautiful French women, and having her whisper sweet nothings in my ear forever. Last night will probably be as close as I ever get to fulfilling that fantasy. I sat next to a rather attractive women who spoke to the bartender in French to order a drink. I have no idea what she ordered but that sexy voice speaking French really got me going. Am I a bad man? If I am, I don’t think I care that I am.
We started out in the Strike Zone Bar with drinks and a great baked haddock dinner. Then it was a nice walk to the Pier and the beach in the center of town where a concert was in progress. The Salvation Army was out in force, had erected a rather cool stage, and the group “Unbound” was rocking the house.
After their final set we set off to the amusement park to throw away some of our hard earned money on those normally hokey carnival style games. I dropped five bucks throwing ten stupid whiffle balls into holes trying to win a stuffed animal. Fortunately I didn’t win, thank God. The last thing we need is more stuffed animals in our house. I already feel like I’m living with Jim Henson as it is.
Here are a few snaps I took as we walked around.
It’s a requirement of my better-half to make the obligatory trip to the arcade to rub elbows and everything else we have with the crowds of people and to play a few games of Skee Ball. It allows her to reminisce for a few minutes about bringing her kids here when they were growing up. Since they’ve grown up and gone I get to be their stand-in.
Our last stop for the night was at DQ for ice cream and I went a little overboard. I’ve been dreaming about a big disgustingly unhealthy banana split since last summer. I violated every eating rule established by my healthcare experts and pigged out. It was freaking orgasmic to say the least.
And so ended another night in South Canada where fun was being had by all. We’ll be returning soon on a future weekend to spend the afternoon on the beach and the night cruising around and enjoying the beautiful weather. I may be forced to sign up for a night school course to bone up on my French language skills. I need to know how to order a Jack Daniels and Pepsi like they do in Quebec.
It’s a Saturday morning in Maine in July. It’s rained through the night and everything is wet and bright green as you’d might expect. The downside is that it’s 6:00 am and my better-half has awakened me because of our planned trip to a nearby church festival. I was informed that it’s critically important that we arrive before 8:00 am before all of the good stuff is gone at the Flea Market. Just as a point of information the “Flea Market” is nothing more than the basement of the church filled to the rafters with crap. If I chose to be politically correct it could be called antique, vintage or preowned but that would be stretching the meaning of those words to the limit. Imagine thousands and thousands of objects discarded by hundreds and hundreds of people scattered across forty of fifty tables, in side rooms, and even outside in tents. The great majority of the items are priced at a dollar or less and even then it’s a rip-off (in my humble opinion). I understand it’s money raised for a church charity so overcharging for crap is accepted and expected.
It was so crowded with crazy people I could barely move around. I felt pressured and obligated to buy something because this flea market was being run by a friend and former co-worker. I dug down deep into my moth infested pocket where I found two one dollar bills. I decided on a purchase which I would present to my better-half on her birthday. I imagine every women in the world wants, needs, and desires a beautiful yet tacky Betty Boop toilet paper roller.
After that purchase I fled the scene and returned to the fair for some greasy and unhealthy fair food. There was plenty to go around.
‘Salted, greasy, unhealthy, and almost delicious.’
‘Hot sausage sandwich, peppers, onions, and a butt load of cholesterol.’
‘Chicken anyone?’
With my belly full I made a bee line for the tent where the books were being sold. I try to buy a sufficient number to carry me through the upcoming winter but the selection wasn’t as good as in previous years. I purchased a few but disappointed there weren’t more.
No real fair or festival fails to have the obligatory Disney presence with Mickey and Minnie posing for pictures with the kids. I asked cute little Minnie to sit on my lap for a picture but she adamantly refused. Nobody likes a prudish and fake mouse and she was really mean too!
My better-half made a number of trips to the car with her arms loaded with just about everything. She bought food, toys, raffle tickets, and enough other crap to fill my trunk and backseat. I was more than a little happy to see that church in my rear view mirror as we pulled away.
Another three and a half hours of my life I’ll never get back.
I’m writing this mid-year review of my New Year’s resolutions and it seems I’m doing a little better than I’ve done in the past. Just as an FYI, here’s a copy of the disclaimer I used after completing my review of 2014’s resolutions.
“Four completed out of seven seems pretty good to me but I need to improve that next year. I’d really like just once to complete all of them but I always seem to get sidetracked with other stuff. I may need a few easy ones for 2015 that won’t require me to work so hard. With that thought in mind here is my new list.”
Here we go with this year’s results, so far.
A: COMPLETED, I actually increased my time to forty-three minutes per session.
A: COMPLETED, This one was easy.
A: COMPLETED: This one was even easier.
A: COMPLETED, Believe it or not I’ve been extra good with this. With the birth of a second grandson I will now remain F-Bomb free for at least another year and a half.
A: COMPLETED, and still going strong.
A: INCOMPLETE, It’s hard to break this one semi-bad habit but I’m trying.
A: INCOMPLETE BUT IMPROVED, I no longer feel the least bit tempted to prance even after receiving a number of rather nice emails from my anonymous admirers.
A: INCOMPLETE, I have a few new scars but he really deserves being messed with.
a: INCOMPLETE, I’m averaging just over 400 and I hope to make up some ground this summer.
So far this year I’m well on my way to accomplishing five resolutions out of nine. I’ll be working hard for the next six months to get my numbers up and in line with my predictions (eternal optimism is not my strong suit).
If I ever complete all of my resolutions in a given year it will be an effing miracle and the world will come to an end.
I’m not normally a person captivated by breaking news events nor do I feel the need to be the first person to spread the word about certain occurrences but today is an exception. So here goes. . .
I received a tidbit of news this morning from an anonymous source that my previously mentioned garden marauder, aka "The Skunk", may have been fatally injured during the night. I’m aware that my earlier threats against his life could possibly make me a person of interest in his disappearance and possible death.
I’ll probably spend the day waiting around for the inevitable arrival of the animal homicide investigators. I also heard there’s been a rash of similar deaths in the last few weeks and no real leads or clues have been discovered. It’s only a matter of time until they pick up the rumor of my blog and those rather inappropriate death threats.
At 3 am my source just happened to be nearby when the "The Skunk" was observed slowly slinking through my yard towards my garden. It just so happened that just as he was nearing the garden he was accosted by a couple of strangers. Within seconds loud and shrill screaming was heard by neighbors sounding much like someone being assaulted and badly injured. The screaming continued even louder but seemed to be slowly moving towards a nearby wooded area where it suddenly stopped. All was quiet in the neighborhood for the rest of the night.
After listening to that report and being the experienced criminal investigator I am, the next morning I hurried to the alleged crime scene. While I found no traces of blood or indications of a tussle I continued collecting what few facts that were available.
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Fact #1 – I actually heard the screams outside my bedroom window that night but saw nothing suspicious.
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Fact #2 – I found no evidence at the scene of violence being perpetrated.
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Fact #3 – My garden was untouched for the first time in weeks.
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Fact #4 – I personally saw no suspicious characters in the neighborhood that night nor did I hear anything that would help me identify the unknown subject or subjects (the UNSUBS).
The next day I was approached by two investigators who required me to supply them with an alibi for the time in question. Since they could find no forensic evidence at the scene they began the process of building a circumstantial case with me as their chief suspect. While my better-half was asleep beside me that night she was unable to verify my presence or supply me with an believable alibi.
‘Suspect #1’
Later that same day I heard a rumor that I immediately conveyed to the investigators concerning two suspicious and dangerous looking characters seen in the area. They’d been spotted with the victim near the scene of the alleged crime on the night in question by an anonymous source,who I refused to identify. They were very upset with me but I do have the constitution right to protect my sources.
“Suspect #2’
A little later in the day an APB was sent out to all nearby neighborhoods with a BOLO on these two suspects. They were described briefly as being similar in stature, approximately 24 inches tall, wearing shaggy overcoats, and with a mean and hungry look in their eyes. Other information received indicated they were members of a notorious local gang called "The Coyotes". Many suspicious deaths have occurred in the past in this area that were attributed to this gang but no arrests have never been made.
Hopefully this will get these pesky investigators off my butt. They’re now requesting all of my guns for ballistic testing on the side chance the victim’s body will eventually be located. I immediately checked with my attorney and we refused to give up my weapons. They left in a huff but there is no doubt in my mind that this matter wasn’t going to be dropped anytime soon.
Trust me, they’ll never find the body.
‘Owwwww, That Smell”
What do you consider as a day in your life you’d never forget? Is it the day you found a $10.00 bill in a parking lot or is that day you had the best sex of your life? I’m sure that all of us have a few of those memorable days we enjoy looking back on.
Early in my life I decided that the reports of an afterlife were just so much hokum and I needed to approach my life in a manner that reflected that thought. If this existence was all we’d ever have then I needed to aggressively pursue those things I really desired. If I didn’t obtain them and experience them now I’d never get another chance.
I left home for college, then quit college , joined the Army, went to Korea, fell in love, returned to the states, became a cop, got married, hang glided, sky dived, and bungee jumped. Moved to New England, became a businessman, joined Greenpeace, left Greenpeace, started a business, adopted a son and became a long distant cyclist. Stood on the summit of Mt. Washington in a thunder storm with my hands in the air and a prayer on my lips. Became a pretty decent racquetball player, got divorced, sold my home and moved to the coast. Bought a house on the water, bought two ferrets, and partied for two years. Lost my job, sold my house, and moved to Maine. Bought my first digital camera, got a job interviewing criminals, bought another house, met the love of my life, and settled down.
Sounds like a pretty strange and wonderful life so let me tell you what I did yesterday. On a damp and crappy day I spent an hour and a half standing in and shoveling compost. To misquote Robert Duval in the movie Apocalypse Now, "I just love the smell of compost in the morning." There’s nothing quite like the smell of rotting organic material wafting into your nostrils and making your eyes water. It’s sticks to your shoes and later in the day you may even find a few small chunks in the folds of your clothing as a further reminder.
I’m now officially adding that job, COMPOST SHOVELER, to my endless list of dumb-ass jobs and even dumber-ass accomplishments that continue to keep my life so interesting. I guarantee I won’t be looking fondly on today’s task in the future but my memories of that smell are permanent.
‘Live Your Life’
Are you as sick as I am about all of these computer companies who insist on convincing or coercing every person in this country to use "The Cloud"? You can’t seem to buy software of any kind without that gentle shove by the company to convince you to place all of your personal writings, business writings, financials or anything else you can a think of on their version of "The Cloud".
Is anyone on this earth unaware of the risks we take just by being on the Internet. Viruses appear without notice almost every day or so we’re told by McAfee. Hackers are constantly breaking into those so-called secure sites and making the lives of us poor morons miserable. They’re costing us a lot of money each year to try and protect ourselves and it seems no matter what big companies do, they can’t protect themselves and our most private information.
Three times in the last few years I’ve been forced to change my credit and debit cards because someone was buying music or other things with my card numbers in Paris, France, Cleveland, Ohio and Montreal, Canada. I have those expert security specialists at Home Depot, Hannaford Foods, and Anthem Blue Cross & Blue Shield for making my information available to every hacker and thief who has a computer. I’m easily paying more than $200.00 a year for virus protection of my home computers and even a monthly charge for my freaking telephone. Do you see where I’m going with this?
Yesterday I was taken by surprise when Microsoft notified me via Facebook that they were making the MS Word program available for free to users of the IPad. I was thrilled because I’ve been loyal to Microsoft for decades. It’s only within the last year or so that I’m becoming more and more disappointed with them. After the X-Box One fiasco that make the device incompatible with a couple of decades of game software I’d already purchased, that was Strike One. Strike Two was my purchase of a MS Surface tablet. It crashed within a week of the purchase and with no help from their Tech Support took me a month to figure out how to reset it. Of course I lost all of my information on it as well.
Strike Three is this App which might be free but has a lot of strings attached. If you create any documents of any kind you’re forced to save them on the MS “Cloud” called “OneDrive”. There is no option that will allow you to save them just to your tablet. In my opinion it’s those kind of strong-arm tactics that could get me to walk away from MS entirely. Oh and by the way, you can take your Office 365 program and stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Everyone knows and worries about Google becoming too intrusive when they save every piece of information about us they can get. I understand now they have access to and save information on virtually every website we visit on the web. People are concerned about Muslim terrorists but compared with Google they’re inconsequential.
I took steps this year to install my own “Cloud” in my home with no available access from the net. All of my information and backups are now stored safely out of reach of the online thieves and hackers and controlled only by me.
So here’s my final thought for Microsoft. It’s time to get your collective heads out of your collective asses and get back to being the company we’ve all come to know and trust over the years. Bring Bill Gates back if you must and maybe he can stop you from following down that road right behind Google.
Since you’ve used up your three strikes, I just deleted your free Word App from my IPad. I never thought I’d see the day when Microsoft wasn’t leading the technology revolution by taking it in new and exciting directions instead of following along behind others like a lap dog.
As much as I’ve tried I’m still unsuccessful in eliminating politics from my long list of topics of conversation on this blog. To say I’m disgusted would be a huge understatement. I’m seeing things happening these days in this country that are impossible to believe. On top of that we’re being lead by a President who is an absolute disgrace to both the political system and to the country itself. The only disappointment greater than his presidency are the millions of people in this country who listened to his BS, bought it hook line and sinker, and voted for him twice.
‘U . . S . . A!, U . . S . . A! , U . . S . . A!’
The downfall of any successful enterprise is having an uncaring or uneducated group of people in places of responsibility. With that thought in mind maybe we should once again listen to the men who helped create this nation instead of ones who are trying to damage it as much as possible. It could take a new generation of intelligent and caring people to undo the damage caused by this man and his administration in a short eight years. The real problem in my mind is an electorate that seems willing to give total control of their lives to a group of elitist fools concerned only with their own wants and desires instead of those of the country.
I again sincerely apologize for talking about politics on this blog. Maybe these gentlemen can explain it better than I.
‘George Washington’
“Precedents are dangerous things; let the rein of government then be braced and held with a steady hand.”
‘John Adams’
“The most sensible and jealous people are so little attentive to government that there are no instances of resistance until repeated, multiplied oppressions have placed it beyond a doubt that their rulers had formed settled plans to deprive them of it.”
‘Thomas Jefferson’
“The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not.”
‘Abraham Lincoln’
“Be with a leader when he is right, stay with him when he is still right, but, leave him when he is wrong.”
Pick the group you want responsible for you and your families future.
It’s 6 am and I’m barely awake and I don’t want to get up. I’m lying here looking out the bedroom window waiting to see if anything in the world is moving yet. It’s dead quiet with little or no observable breeze. There are no birds, no squirrels, and no fat ugly turkey running around the yard making a racket. It’s just too quiet for my liking. My better-half is still sleeping and that light snoring of hers (sarcasm) can’t be considered noise or so she constantly tells me.
I love the beginnings of Spring and the late days of Fall the most but these interim periods between seasons are the worst. The Spring transition is always slow in coming when we have nothing but gray skies, cold rain, intermittent sunshine, and a need to stay out of the shade. I can bask in those brief moments of warm sunshine on the deck but if I step into any shaded areas it’s like someone walking across my grave. A deep cold chill that hits you hard and stays with you way too long.
The Fall changeover is similar when you’re sitting on the deck enjoying a warm and sunny Indian Summer day where it’s nice and warm but you can just feel that little bit of Winter in the air. It comes slowly with those giant folds of gray clouds edged in black that slowly roll over the horizon. All of a sudden one morning you’re on the deck and you walk into a patch of shade and that same coldness you felt in the Spring grabs you just for a second. Then everyday you can see the plants slowly browning, the cold dew on everything in the mornings, with the full knowledge that snow is coming soon. After that you have nothing to look forward to but seven months of a cold and depressing Winter, snow shoveling, black ice, and the occasional slip and fall to bruise your butt and your ego.
Maybe in another few weeks I’ll be able to pull myself out of this winter/spring funk I’ve gotten into. I go through this every year and there’s really nothing I can do but deal with it. I’ll wait patiently for that first really sunny day when I can visit the beach and not feel the need to take my windbreaker "just in case". That may finally convince me that Winter is truly gone.
All that being said, the next few weeks will be hell. I have absolutely no patience for this never-ending waiting around for Mother Nature to stop screwing with us.
APRIL SHOWERS BRING MAY FLOWERS, I hope!
My readjustment to this warmer weather continues. Last week was interesting and started with the flooding of my backyard. This isn’t unusual and happens quite often in the Spring but luckily the drainage for the property is excellent. There have been times when the water would be four feet deep but once the rain stops it drains away within 15 minutes.
Part of that flooding included my burn pit which I’ve been planning to use to rid myself of the Winters accumulation of scrap wood and saw dust. I also had a pile of lumber that was pulled from the garden frames last week and replaced. I had it drying out for a few days so it would burn properly once I threw it into the fire.
I decided to start the fire in the wet pit anyway figuring the heat would dry it out within minutes. A little newspaper and a quart of gasoline can get damn near anything burning as you can plainly see.
It’s always a good idea to burn when things are wet after a rain. It eliminates the possibility of starting a fire that could get into the forest next to the property. It also keeps the town from giving me grief about burning permits which I tend to ignore whenever possible.
My frustration with my lawn tractor continues. I’ve read everything I can find online about the mower, watched every YouTube video, and if anything I’m more confused than before. I’ll be visiting Lowe’s today for some expert help from their Lawn and Garden professional. He’s going to walk me through the steps that will hopefully help me get this damn thing running again. We shall see.
I’m still in bed as I write this post but was awakened in an interesting fashion earlier this morning. I was lying in bed in that La-La Land of half sleep deciding whether to get up or not. It was then I heard a very loud "Gobble . . . Gobble . . . Gobble" just outside my window. I stumbled over and there he was, a big fat tom-turkey doing his very best to wake up the entire house. Here in Maine that’s the next best thing to an alarm clock.
I rushed from the bedroom to find my camera but unfortunately he was gone into the nearby woods before I could get a picture. I’m sure he’ll return soon and I’ll snap a few at that time. Here’s a photo I took previously in the yard and I suppose there’s a chance it’s the same bird. It’s hard to tell, they all look alike to me. He’d better not show up around Thanksgiving because he’d be in big trouble.
Well, I’m off to Lowe’s. That should get my frustration level up there where it belongs. I sure hope this guy can help.
Mud and rain! Is mud and rain actually any better than snow and ice? I’m beginning to believe there’s no damn difference. They’re both annoying and require special clothing; parka and gloves v. raincoat and galoshes.
It’s nice to see that the ice and snow are completely gone but the reason is this steady rain we’re dealing with now and for the next two weeks. That’s assuming the weather forecasters are correct and of course they never get it wrong.
I had a lot of plans for garden preparation this week and I refuse to be confounded by this weather. Although my luck hasn’t been all that good so far this Spring. My lawn tractor remains idle because I can’t find someone to repair it without forcing me to take out a mortgage. This little bit of minor repair work will cost me almost half of what I originally paid for the damn thing. It’s getting bad when a lawn tractor becomes a disposable item.
Last week I ordered a pallet of dirt from Lowe’s and of course it was delivered today during the rain storm. Fortunately it was 75 bags of palletized dirt which was at least somewhat waterproof. My garden frames needed some replenishment since I updated portions of them and made them a few inches deeper.
After checking the forecast for the next few weeks I was forced into getting busy immediately to add that new dirt to the garden. I removed the bags from the pallet and threw the required number into those frames that needed filling. It was an absolute mess. It rained off and on the entire time and turned the yard into a bog.
I slogged my way through the wet and mud for a couple of hours and managed to get the dirt where it needed to be. At the end of the day I was exhausted, muddy, chilled, and really wet. After some cleanup and a lot of raking the job was completed and I immediately hit the showers.
Stage-1 of the garden prep was rebuilding the frames and Step-2 was refilling those frames. Next comes Step-3 where I rototill the soil to loosen it up and then place garden fabric over the dirt to eliminate those god awful weeds that make gardening suck. Step-4 is the installation of the sprinkler system which is really a necessity. Step-5 is the purchase, planting, and fertilizing of the plants. After that it’s time to sit back and watch things grow until late summer when Step-6 begins. Step-6 is harvesting the crop, Step-7 is canning, and Step-8 is cleaning out the frames once again and composting the soil in preparation for next year.
Who said gardening wasn’t fun.
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