Archive for the ‘Sarcasm’ Category
I’m posting late today because it’s just been one of “those” days. I had the day planned out and thought I’d be free and clear of all my chores before noon. Boy was I ever mistaken.
You need to understand one important thing when you listen to me whine about my day. I may be the clumsiest person you’ve ever heard about. I walk into things, fall over things, slip and fall on ice, and also slip and fall on dry pavement. It’s a curse but after so many years I’ve made a number of adjustments in my behavior to protect myself. I forgot to pay attention today and the day was one damn thing after another.
I planned on changing the oil in my lawn tractor today and after reading the users manual I was filled with confidence and sure it would be an easy fix. I entered my work area and fired up the mower to pull it outside. Who forgot that a large window was leaning against the front of the mower. I traveled no more than six inches when I heard the loud crash. Glass everywhere and that special window I’d been saving for more than a year for another project was destroyed. Ten wasted minutes doing the cleanup and I suffered only a minor cut on my hand which bled for twenty minutes.
Back to the mower. I jumped back on to move it outside the house and the stupid thing wouldn’t start. I was forced to push the damn thing out of the shop and ended up tearing the leg of my jeans on a protruding screw. I then was on my hands and knees under a workbench looking for a can of oil and as I grabbed the can and stood up I hit the top of my head on the workbench. Nothing serious, I saw a few stars and continued on. That kind of thing doesn’t bother me at all any more. It happens all the time. Swearing at the top of my lungs I quickly stood up and discovered the lid on the oil container hadn’t been tightened and I spilled oil all over my shirt, on the work bench, and onto the floor. Twenty more minutes to clean up that mess and I was ready to begin actual work on the mower.
Now it’s noon time and I haven’t accomplished much of anything. At one in the afternoon I finished the oil change without further incident. I was intending to replace a damaged part on the grass collection system and after two additional minor cuts, a sore finger pinched by a pair of dangerous pliers, I had the old piece removed and the new piece installed.
All in all my day was a total waste of time. I never was able to get the damn mower restarted because I came to find out the battery needs replacing. Off to Lowe’s to drop another $40.00 bucks on a new freaking battery, a quick stop at Rite-Aid for more band aids, and a third stop for an emergency bottle of brandy.
Tomorrow is another day and I’ll try again to accomplish something that won’t require bandages or hospital visits. I can deal with a minor blood loss but anything more serious than that will just piss me off all the more.
So I ‘m posting late this evening and it’s a miracle I didn’t trip over something while walking over to the computer and break a bone or two.
Wish me luck.
Sixty plus degrees. That’s all I have to say about yesterday. I’m just about over this stupid virus that’s been kicking my ass for the last two weeks. Combine that with the warm weather yesterday and guess what you get. The largest most contagious case of Spring Fever ever experienced. I guess the longer and more oppressive the winter the more intense is that first burst of Spring Fever. Man I’ve got it bad.
I spent a good part of the day yesterday just wandering around the yard in a T-shirt with no gloves, no hat, and no parka. As I slowly strolled between the remaining piles of snow I could see that blessed light at the end of the tunnel and no, it isn’t a train coming toward me it’s Summer.
I couldn’t stop myself from going with the feelings and actually started cleaning up the winter debris strewn about the yard. I picked up tree branches and pine cones of which there were thousands. I’ve never seen so many freaking pine cones in my life and they will certainly require an major investment of my time to pick them all up. That should tell you just how bad my Spring Fever really is that I’m actually looking forward to doing it. I find that a little disturbing to say the least.
I then decided to get my riding mower out of mothballs and ready for use this summer. I filled it with gas, checked the oil, and reconnected the battery. I was just standing there enjoying the warm air when I was overcome with love for that stupid tractor. I hate to admit this but I found some rags, soap, and car wax, and went a little crazy. That tractor got a hot bath and a good scrubbing, was dried off, and waxed to a high sheen. How sad is my life?
I need to pace myself a little better or I’m going to lose my mind. I actually found myself drawn to the seed packet display at Walmart a few days ago. They were silently calling to me to buy, buy, buy. I maintained what little control I had left and just “Said No” and walked away. Unfortunately my better-half is worse that I am when it comes to Spring garden purchasing. We both need some sort of twelve step program to help us through the next two months and to keep us from overspending like we do every blessed year.
I just received a giant package in the mail today and had to help the mail carrier bring the box into the house. It’s the new part I ordered a week ago for my sweetheart, the mower. Now she’ll be even prettier than usual as I cruise around the yard making the neighbors oh so jealous.
Eat your hearts out people, if freaking Spring Time.
I suppose I could try and pull some lame April Fool’s joke but I won’t. I already got suckered once today on Facebook. Some moron sent an post that Tom Brady had announced his retirement from the Patriots. A-hole me immediately clicked to the site to read the news and got the big flashing screen with APRIL FOOL on it. It still never feels good making an ass of yourself but you’d think by now I’d be considered a certified expert.
“Sap collections continue.’
We had a new baby arrive this week and on top of all that excitement I received a formal letter from my dentist to announce his retirement. Every thing seems to balance out no matter how stupid it is. Life just continues rolling along and dragging us along as well.
‘Even the court houses allow their trees to be tapped by the locals.’
The flu and virus epidemics running rampant through the family continues apace. All of the youngsters are over the worst of it but we adults are getting hammered hard. We’re all hoping to be on the mend for Easter but who really knows. Maybe grandson #1 will bring us another dose of something from that disease factory they call Day-Care. I know it’s necessary for the kids to build a strong and healthy immune system by catching all of these viruses but c’mon. My immune system has never been required to respond to so many different things in my life. If I survive all this nonsense I should have an immune system strong enough to make me bulletproof.
‘My favorite farm stop for spices, jellies, and home grown fruit.’
The sun is shining during the day but our nights remain below twenty degrees and I’m soooooooo tired of freezing my ass off. I need some warm temps, open windows, and fresh air. I took the grill out of mothballs yesterday and cooked our first burgers and sausages for 2015. They tasted great and were cooked perfectly. I was a little worried that the tassel hat, parka, and gloves might make cooking a bit difficult. What harm can a splash of hot grease do to my new gloves?
With the better-half working an evening shift I think I’ll be chilling a bottle of my pomegranate wine. Then over to Amazon Prime for a movie or two and some total relaxation.
I’m beginning to believe that my doctor is plotting against me. During my last visit he convinced me to take a new vaccine that would assist my immune system in fending off a fairly large number of viruses. He claimed that in conjunction with my previous Pneumonia vaccination and my flu shot I’d be protected from almost everything. That was two weeks ago.
First of all as I was receiving the shot the nurse told me there might be a little muscle pain in the area where the shot was placed. What she didn’t tell me was I’d be unable to move my arm and shoulder for a week without major pain. I let it go figuring any shot in the arm will have some pain involved and finally a week later the pain subsided and movement of my arm and shoulder returned to normal. I felt better about myself and went on about my life, smiling all the way.
Why can’t we hold these medical experts responsible when everything they say seems to be just so much BS and guesswork. Get a flu shot and then immediately get the freaking flu. Get a magic vaccination to prevent illnesses and immediately get an freaking illness. For the last week or so I watched my family members and even my better-half struggling with some weird virus that caused a tremendous amount of congestion in the chest and head and caused terrible headaches. I was sympathetic and did what I could to make things better but at the same time thanking some god or another for my magical vaccination. I walked through my germ ridden house with the confidence of a really healthy and well maintained individual. My trust in my doctor was as high as it’s ever been until two days ago.
I’m lying in bed this morning wondering what the hell happened. I woke up two days ago with a minor cough and a slight fever. Then my throat started the infamous burn which always leads to something awful. My mouth was as dry as the Sahara and I needed help prying my lips apart to drink a little water. I peeled enough crust from my eyelids to fill a coffee cup and did that disgusting task between trips to the facilities that Mother Nature demanded. So far the projectile vomiting has yet to show up and I pray it stays away forever.
Two days of very little sleep, a better-half who hacked, coughed, and snored like a 400 pound truck driver, a fever to keep me warm, and a total loss of taste. Even if I wanted to eat I wouldn’t be able to taste a thing. Coffee and tea tasted like hot water and eating just about any food was like chewing and swallowing cardboard.
I can already hear my doctor, "I guess this virus wasn’t one of the ones included in the miracle vaccine." I may just be forced to kick his ass. I figure if I’m forced to pay hundreds of dollars for these shots there should be some sort of guarantee based on performance. I can be sure of only one thing it seems, there will be any effing refunds from the medical community or the drug company who’s reaping all of the monetary rewards.
Thanks for nothing doc.
One of my first tasks today was to get in a vigorous workout to start the day. Most days I turn on the TV or a movie and crank up the treadmill to a quick speed with a steep incline. I’m averaging forty-two minutes a session and watching TV for that long has started getting really old. On a good day there’s precious little on the tube that can hold my interest for forty-two minutes.
Today I decided to plug into ITunes and spend my time listening to my newly updated Favorites List. I have quite the collection of music and it was a tough job picking out fifty songs from over seven thousand. It took some time but it was worth it. I ended up with forty-five songs that met my stringent qualifications. It had to be a song that no matter when I heard it I’d stop what I was doing to listen.
It took twelve songs to complete my workout and the time seemed to fly by. Listening to good music is like having your own time machine. As soon as I hear a song it takes me straight back to a specific point in time and a specific person as well. So here’s my list of today’s twelve workout songs:
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Love Letter - Clairy Browne & the Bangin’ Rackettes
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Up on Cripple Creek – The Band
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Kokomo – The Beach Boys
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Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club – Beatles
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Nights on Broadway – Bee Gees
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Uptown Girl – Billy Joel
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The Guitar Man – Bread
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Gypsy Woman – Brian Highland
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I’m Your Angel (Duet w/R. Kelly) – Celine Dion
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How ‘Bout Us – Champaign
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Down in Mexico – The Coasters
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Run Through the Jungle – Creedence Clearwater Revival
If those songs don’t get your heart started then you’d better call for help. Say what you want these so-called Oldies more than hold their own against today’s Hip Hop generation.
I spent some time today preparing for the arrival of the grandson who’ll be staying with us until after the birth of his soon to arrive new sibling. The doctors intend to induce labor today so we’re hopefully looking at an early morning arrival by the baby.
This waiting has been murder for both of us almost as much as for the mother and father. She’s two weeks late and it’s been making everyone absolutely crazy. Hurry up and wait until the baby decides to get here.
I spent a good part of my day yesterday trying to get a fourteen year old computer to once again work properly. I’ve been a computer gamer for a very long time and started when the games were just text-only. I finally settled in permanently with the X-Box because of my life long loyalty to Microsoft. Don’t sit there and shake your head, all those years were a great deal of fun and taught me a great deal about computers and software.
As the games became more sophisticated the older games fell by the wayside. Having spent my hard earned money for these games I refused to just discard them. I saved the floppy disk games, games on CD’s, console games, and any other that I sincerely enjoyed playing. All these years later most of them remain unplayable but alive and well in my files.
I’ve became interested in reviving some of these old games after receiving from my nephew an Atari 2400 Anniversary console that contained dozens of the ordinal Atari games such as Pong, Asteroids, and Centipede. My nephew is a computer nerd like me and after a telephone discussion a year ago he shipped me one of his older computers dating from the late nineties. It’s one of the few I’ve been able to find with a working floppy disk drive and I also wanted to use it to convert many of my older games on floppies to CD’s. It would give me a much better chance at playing them once again.
I love computers but they are extremely frustrating to work with. The computer companies in their attempts to protect their software have made them extremely difficult to copy and to reuse. It seems to me that most of their technological advances with game consoles and computer games are purposely made incompatible with previous generations. It forces consumers to constantly spend their hard earned money on upgrades of both software and hardware. My best recent example for that was X-Box One which will not play any of the hundreds of X-Box games made for previous X-Box versions. That sucks and has only convinced me never to buy one.
Yesterday was like giving CPR to someone who is on his last leg. During shipment cables for that old computer were knocked loose and it took a while to get them all replugged into their proper places. I finally was able to get it to reboot with Windows 2000 but that’s when the real fun began. Using parts from a number of my past computers I finally found a mouse that would work with the unit. The monitor worked fine and I thought I was home free. I still had no sound and no working keyboard and I don’t know why. The keyboard I have was from a newer model and there was no way it would ever work with this old machine.
One of my chores for this summer will now be to visit as many yard sales as possible to find a keyboard and mouse from that same era. It should be an easy find since almost every yard sale has computers and parts for sale. With any luck at all I should have this machine working this summer and I can pull out my old Doom and Quake games and relive those earlier days that I enjoyed so much.
I find myself extremely frustrated but having many years of computer experience it wasn’t unexpected. I’ll just walk away for a while, turn on my X-Box 360, and return to the world of Halo to kill a few thousand aliens. It always makes me fell better.
Nerds rule !
Well I guess the world can continue to rotate around the sun and all of you can continue living your exciting lives once again. I received a clean bill of health from my doctor during my recent checkup so everyone can relax again for another year just knowing I’ll still be around.
Have I ever mentioned just how much I hate doctors and hospitals? I’m positive you have no idea just how much. I spent a lot of my youth visiting uncounted hospitals throughout the Pittsburgh area while visiting my mother who was afflicted with every disease known to man during her life. I became almost phobic about it. I was terrified of entering hospitals and getting stuck with needles. For years every time I needed a blood test or a shot it usually caused me to become violently ill or to pass out completely. That phobia was finally dealt with when it became time for me to leave the Army. A blood test was required before I could be released from the service and I certainly wasn’t going to stick around any longer than necessary. I sat quietly while they took six tubes of blood and suffered no ill effects whatsoever. It’s amazing what proper motivation can do to help you get through the tough times.
I have no phobias now but I still hate hospitals and doctors. I’m good to go until sometime in August when my new doctor will put me through my paces once again. Blood tests, poking and prodding of body parts best left alone, and more of those miracle vaccines and shots that may or may not even work. Getting old requires more and more maintenance of the body and mind just to maintain the status quo. Regardless we eventually all lose that battle. More exercise, less alcohol, no smoking, healthy foods, and an endless supply of drugs, drugs, drugs.
When I turned fifty the medical community found out about me and the process began in earnest. I needed a shingles shot, a pneumonia shot, a tetanus booster which probably cost the insurance carriers at least $500.00. Increased visits, regular colonoscopies, and future eye surgery to fix those pesky cataract problems we all have to deal with at some point.
I’m one of millions of Boomers whose current responsibility is to stay alive as long as possible to help keep the health care community in business. What will happen to the system once we’ve all passed on. That will be the new healthcare crisis with lots of layoffs, hospital closures, and a serious overpopulation of doctors, nurses, and home care specialists. I guess we Baby Boomers could be called a massive health care asset until we all finally die.
During all of my working life I prayed for a slow news day. A day where I could sit on my butt and do absolutely northing except relax. I’ve finally reached a point in my life where I have days like that and I just don’t appreciate them like I once did. Shame on me I guess.
Two days ago my better-half surprised me when she arrived home from work at 11 am, four hours early. It was a good surprise and definitely not what you first thought when you read that. We had half a day to just kick back and do whatever we wanted. Since it was a sunny and freezing cold day we decided a quiet drive with our cameras would be perfect. We made our way to the coast but taking pictures there in the winter is a major yawn. Dirty snow and ice just isn’t anything I need more pictures of.
‘Snore’
‘Yawn’
After a half-hour passed we decided to just drive straight north to Portland for a visit to a few of our favorite pubs. Our first stop was a tavern along the waterfront called Three Dollar Dewey’s. This is a regular watering hole for us where the better-half can have her Shipyard beer and a side of fries and I can have an ice cold vodka-tonic with onion rings. The drinks were grand and the food was even better.
This is the official T-shirt logo for Dewey’s which explains where and how the name of the bar was created. Maybe next trip I’ll try for a $2 Feelie. Then we walked a quarter mile down the street to our second favorite place, The Dry Dock Tavern.
The Dry Dock is a warm and cozy place to spend an hour or so in the cold Maine winter but it’s even better in the summer. They have a large second floor deck which offers an unbelievable view of Portland harbor where you can relax and sip a cool margarita or two and catch a few rays.
We had a great day even though it was as cold as hell. The snow melt continues and in just a few weeks Spring will actually arrive.
I hope to make this summer one to remember.
The Spring melt continues between bouts of annoying snow that keep showing up almost every morning. Fortunately it’s usually just a dusting that melts away as soon as the sun comes up. What’s been the most surprising is the speed in which the snow has been disappearing. Having four feet of snow on the ground for most of 2015 and piles more than fifteen feet high found in certain parking lots, it’s melting away much quicker than expected.
I’ve been mentioning for the longest time about the amount of ice and snow that has built up on the roof of our home. The rear of the house gets very little sunshine and the accumulation there is always an issue. Each year we look forward to the "ice fall" and this year was no different. I was working on my computer when the whole house shook much like a small earthquake. I knew immediately that the ice had dropped and OMG it was amazing. A sheet of ice between ten and twelve inches thick, four foot wide, and thirty feet long, smashed to the ground with a tremendous roar.
‘Be glad you weren’t standing here when it came down.’
After last Winter I was forced to rebuild the hand railing on the steps for the third time. When the ice drops it usually crushes the railings and they must be rebuilt. I attempted to build a replacement rail that would survive the ice drop and I was successful. This huge ice sheet hit the railing and bounced down off and landed in the yard. That’s one project eliminated from my Spring repair list.
I began today by heading to Lowe’s to purchase the materials I’ll need to rebuild my mailbox. I’ve come up with a new design that will hopefully keep those damned snowplow drivers from costing me more money next year. Here are the results:
‘Before’
‘After”
Later this week my plans for rebuilding the frames for a portion of my garden will begin. Then we’ll decide what we’ll be planting and where. I’m looking forward to the warmer weather and getting outside to dig in the dirt a little. Winter can’t disappear soon enough as far as I’m concerned.
‘All you need is a coat, hat, gloves, a blanket, and a space heater.’
I hate to admit it but I think I may be suffering from a slight case of Spring Fever. I try never to fall prey to things like that but I’m beginning to feel it. With official Spring being just a week away maybe it will actual happen.
I see ice and snow quickly disappearing and to help that cause along I spent two solid days cleaning snow and cumulated ice from my second floor deck. The snow was still two feet deep and the ice under it was between four and six inches thick. To put it bluntly it was a real ball-buster of a job which I’ll never do again. When I finally cleared a large enough area I set up the deck table and chairs and sat down for a break. Spring in Maine, twenty degrees, bright sunshine, sitting on my deck wearing a parka, hat, and gloves.
Yesterday was another beautiful sunny day and I decided to greet Spring with a flurry (no pun intended) of photographs of the beaches in the area.
Here we go . . .
‘It’s hard to walk on the beach when you can’t get there.’
‘If you think the water looks cold you should feel the wind.’
So maybe I’m rushing things a little. Can you blame me? This has been a long, long, long winter and it needs to “cease and desist” right now. I took a drive past the amusement park in Old Orchard Beach and wasn’t all that amused. Brrrrr!
‘It’s the only time of the year when the lines for the rides are this short.’
‘Almost open for business.’
Even the birds are unhappy. I can’t imaging why they insist on swimming around in freezing cold water but they appear to love it. I was uncomfortable just watching them.
So much for my first beach day of 2015. I hope to God the rest of them are considerably warmer with a few more thongs and bikini’s to catch my interest. This is as good as it gets in March so I shouldn’t be complaining.
It can only get better.
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