Archive for the ‘Useless Crap’ Category
Today is a very special day here at Every Useless Thing. I’m officially opening the doors to the E.U.T. University of totally useless knowledge. You’ll learn through our detailed courses of study many of the things that have puzzled mankind for centuries. We have the answers but only you permanent students will be permitted to share that information with us. I know it’s a great honor and you should consider yourself very fortunate.
Todays lessons concern two things which are generally known to us but the true facts aren’t readily available. Thanks to EUTU you are about to be properly informed.
Lesson #1 – How did the word "shit” originate?
It’s been claimed by some that the word ‘shit” originated in the 16th century, when manure was transported by ship. The dry manure weighed little and was stowed below deck. When mixed with water, however, it gained in weight and began to ferment, producing methane gas, which, when exposed to a naked flame, would ignite, causing explosions and fire. Because of these accidents, crates of manure were labeled “Ship High In Transit’ to indicate that the crates were to be stowed above the deck, so that any water that the ship took on would not come into contact with them.
Unfortunately, this explanation is totally false and we here at EUTU through years of detailed research have discovered the real truth. Take good notes on this lesson because this “shit’” information will be included on your first POoP quiz.
The word “shit” is from the middle English word “shitten”, which in turn derived from the old English word “scitan”, from “besciten”, which meant “to be covered with excrement” and is in turn thought to originate from the Indo-European root “skei”. The word “shite”, meanwhile, is a variant form of the word as found in some dialects in Ireland and Scotland, as well as in colloquial English.
There you have the truth of the matter.
Lesson #2 – Why do men often shiver after urinating?
I’m not entirely sure our women students will be all that interested in this phenomenon but since it is an official part of the curriculum and will most certainly be included in future tests please pay close attention ladies.
After a man has finished urinating, it’s common for him to experience a shiver over his entire body. It is technically called post-micturition convulsion syndrome, and scientists are not exactly sure why it occurs. One theory is that urination results in heat loss after the warm urine has been expelled from the body, or through exposing the penis to the air, causing the body to shiver.
Meanwhile another theory suggests that the urination reflex is relayed through the autonomic nervous system, which is responsible for both contracting the urethra to hold in the urine and relaxing it to allow the urine to flow out. Also, as urine is released there is often a change in blood pressure, which might also explain the shivering. Shivering is most common in men and some actually find the experience pleasurable or even mildly erotic.
I can verify these statements because I’ve been experiencing that “shiver” myself for decades. I only pass that information along to you students because I’m a responsible educator with a passion for the truth.
That’s the final lesson for today. Break into study groups and ”bone up” on this important information. It seems that if two or more students can study together the results are much more satisfying.
CLASS DISMISSED
It’s time to get back to the kind of postings everyone seems to enjoy. So today will be all about celebrities. It must be nice to have the ability to change your name at any time. There have been times in my life when I wished I could change my name and start fresh some where else. A really cool name that sounded just right and might make help people to remember me. I always thought my first name was dull because it seemed to be overused. JOHN! How boring can you get? For a time I was called Charlie based on my middle name but it didn’t stick. I also never was able to pull off a really cool nickname and to this day I still don”t understand why.
Oh well, lets move along to today’s posting. I’m going to supply you with two lists, each with fifteen names. The first will contain the names of fifteen famous celebs you should be familiar with and a second list of fifteen with their original birth names. Some will be easy to figure out but most will be much more difficult. No fair sneaking off to use search engines because that’s just cheating. I’ll post both lists tomorrow with the correct answers.
The Celebrity Aliases
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Boris Karloff
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Mary Pickford
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Audrey Hepburn
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Samuel Goldwyn
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W.C. Fields
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Martin Sheen
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Michael Keaton
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Roy Rogers
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Dale Evans
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Mel Brooks
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Jane Wyman
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Whooping Goldberg
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Joan Crawford
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Woody Allen
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Charlie Sheen
Now for their real birth names. It makes it much easier to understand why their names were changed. I can’t imagine seeing some of these names in the credits at the end of a film. Maybe their agents, friends, and studio heads were correct. Here are their actual names in no particular order. Match them up if you can.
The Actual Monikers
I told you they’d be tough. I honestly struggled to get just four correct. More useless information is scheduled for tomorrow along with todays answers. Have fun.
Why is it that we just love to entertain ourselves listening and watching young children. I suppose it’s their innocence and honesty so effortlessly projected. The recent rash of TV commercials containing one adult and four kids in a discussion group setting has captured everyone’s hearts. The honest answers coupled with their totally innocent facial expressions is priceless.
I understand the desire of businesses to use these kids for commercial purposes. If there were four or five adults sitting around talking most of us would click the remote and move on to things that were more interesting and believable. Adults are never perceived as being honest, especially those involved in the making of television commercials.
Over the years most commercials involving young kids and adults have not so subtly treated the adults like idiots. The kids are then shown as the smart and sensible members of the family. This kind of posturing plays right into the younger demographics but I always thought it was a little insulting to us adults. I readily admit that many adults are idiots but I always held out hope that it was just a small percentage.
This morning lying in bed in a semi-relaxed state I was quietly surfing the net when I came upon a number of sites listing actual letters from parents who were excusing their children from school. These samples reflect the actual wording and mis-spellings that those parents used. I’m sure the teachers who received these notes were as shocked as I was. It’s hard to understand how a reasonably intelligent parent would want their notes to the school to read this way. Enjoy them and then just slowly shake your head with your total lack of understanding as I did.
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Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the shits. [words in ( )’S were crossed out.]
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Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
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Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.
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My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
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Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
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Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
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Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
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My child was absent from school yesterday because he had a sore trout.
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Please excuse my son for being absent yesterday. “He has a cold and could not breed well”.
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Excuse my son. He’s been under the doctor.
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Please excuse my son from being absent yesterday. “He had diarrhea and his boots leak”.
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Please excuse my daughter for being absent yesterday. “She was in bed with very bad gramps”.
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Please excuse my child from school yesterday. “He had a bad stomach egg”.
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Please excuse my child from missing school yesterday. “I thought we had a 3 day weekend”.
I certainly hope that the children of these parents are smarter than the parents seem to be. Bad grammar, misspellings, and a general lack of concern with making the notes read like they came from a thinking adult. There are times when talking with youngsters is the most refreshing part of the day. At least they’re honest and anything humorous they come up with is based on a lack of experience and not a lack of intelligence.
Maybe my lucks changing. After being flattened for almost a full week with some kind of flu I’m almost back to normal (whatever that is). Someone asked me if I was back to 100% yet and I could only smile. I stated the obvious that I hadn’t been a 100% since 1996. It was a vicious little virus that did a real job on everyone who was unlucky enough to catch it.
I started feeling much better and what did I hear next. Thunderstorm alerts and warnings for our immediate area. You might think that’s a bad thing but not for me. I freaking love thunderstorms. They started just as it was getting dark and they were beautiful. I wanted to sit out on the deck for a while but the rain was a little too intense for that. For almost three hours there was crackling lightning, heavy rains, and a howling wind. It was fantastic and I enjoyed every second of it. Unfortunately we get very few of these storms so I have to take the time to enjoy them when we do.
There wasn’t much else for the better-half and I to do but sit quietly, enjoy the storm, and talk about our day. I love our satellite TV system but even it can’t stand up to heavy rain like we were getting. It took hours for the signal to get through the heaviest of the downpours so we could be blessed with the standard list of reruns and crappy TV.
We’ve been buying more movies of late because of all the disappointing TV that just never seems to get any better. Recently during a weekend of free HBO and SHO I watched one of the recent ridiculous remakes of our beloved fairy tales, Snow White and the Huntsman. It wasn’t totally awful thanks to Charlize Theron but peppering our childhood tales with massive amounts of violence tends to make me uncomfortable and more than a little concerned for the young kids who are watching them.
As I was out shopping the next day I saw a sale for another insane remake of a fairy tale, Hansel and Gretel. I took a chance and paid good money for it. What a mistake. The entire story was so badly rewritten that I walked away and refused to watch the last twenty minutes. Badly used profanity by the female lead was laughable. I understand using appropriately blunt profanity to make a movie feel more authentic but this was just really stupid. It did seem they were setting it up at the end for a possible sequel but I hope that doesn’t happen. Two wrongs have never made a right and these two would be no exception. If you haven’t seen it, don’t waste your time or your money.
I can tell I’m on the mend because the urge to criticize has been growing steadily for the last few hours. I should be back in fighting form soon with my keyboard in one hand and a glass of wine in the other. Life will soon be good again.
Is it just me or does this Spring not impress. It was perfect if you like lots of rain, cool nights, and sweltering heat. I’m not really sure what I was hoping for or expecting but for some reason I feel disappointed. Coming out of our long winter here in Maine should have made just about anything acceptable but it didn’t seem to work for me this year. I have to say I feel a little let down.
Now that Summer has officially arrived what can we hope for? More sunshine would be nice, maybe some cooler weather, less humidity, and just enough rain to keep the yards and gardens healthy. That would be the ideal Summer but as we’ve come to realize of late, we almost never get what we expect weather-wise.
Why is it that we humans are never satisfied. All winter we moan and complain about the lack of sunshine and warmth. We bitch about the snow, the sleet, the freezing rain, and slush that seems to cover everything. It drives us totally crazy to be cooped up in the house getting on each others nerves for months on end. Then all of a sudden the weather changes and what happens. We haven’t even had enough time to put away our winter clothes before we’re already bitching about how hot it is. We continue that silliness into late October when things start to cool down in preparation for Winter. We can’t wait for some cooler temperatures to save us from the terrible heat. We have one snow fall and within hours we’re whining about the cold and wishing for Spring and Summer. It’s a conundrum I tell you.
I can only deduce that we as a species are really screwed up. We never appear completely happy or satisfied with anything, That would help explain a divorce percentage just over fifty percent. Maybe not, what the hell do I know. What I do know is that I’m just as bad as everyone else when it comes to these things and I see no hope of finding a workable solution. Am I a little depressed, why yes I think I am. Do I need a little help? Why yes I think I do. Let me think . . . . . . . . . .
Maybe I need a walk on the beach and a quick dip in the cool ocean water to wake me out of these Summer doldrums. A few dozen scantily clad bikini wearing young ladies might be just the thing to begin my healing. I can walk down the beach and have a few drinks at the Surf Side, enjoy their air conditioning for a hour or so, and then return to my blanket to relax and maybe read a few chapters of my favorite book. Another dip into the ocean and a few dozen more buxom young things prancing down the beach are beginning to make me feel a whole lot better. Who cares about the heat? Not me. I’m beginning to feel rather good.
Okay, just forget everything I said in those first few paragraphs because I was in the throws of depression and was totally wrong. I’ve suddenly rediscovered a few things that can snap me right back to normal almost immediately. Chant this along with me!
Give me a "T", drive me an "H", give me an "O", give me an "N", and a big freaking "G". C’mon Summer!
Have you ever had something piss you off so bad that you felt a sharp, stabbing pain behind your eyes. If you have then the following list will be perfect for you. I love reading lists and also love writing them from time to time. Most people are occasionally annoying but on their really bad days they make my list. These items have started this Summer Season with a vengeance.
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People who love to talk over me during a conversation make me want to scream.
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The person in front of me at the 14 item express register checkout with fifty items in his cart and a bad attitude when confronted.
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Waiting in my car at the ATM for fifteen minutes for some moron on foot makes a withdrawal.
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The guy in the men’s room stall at Wal-mart who leaves the stall in a condition that some people (but not me) might call a real “shit hole”.
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The attractive woman driving the gorgeous new Lexus who rolls down her window and spits a huge oyster into the passing lane. When you then look at her she resorts to giving you the dreaded “finger”.
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People who will stand quietly in line at a movie theatre but can’t shut up once the movie starts.
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People who have something important to tell me and then send me a four word text.
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People who are “close talkers” with chronic “stench” breath who won’t stop talking.
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Waiting endlessly in a register line for a customer to be trained in the use of their debit card by the cashier.
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People who insist on telling me their child is an honor student in some BS school with a freaking bumper sticker.
I feel much better now that I’ve gotten all of these off my chest. It’s a very cathartic experience to say the least and just might keep me from hurting myself and others.
Welcome to a new day. As promised yesterday I’ll be giving you the answers to the ten mystery music trivia questions. I imagine getting the right answers without cheating and using Google or Bing was difficult. As my collection of totally useless information continues to accumulate I’ll be testing your knowledge of many different subjects. One of the things I like best about collecting trivia is that it’s fun and even interesting at times. Here’s your answers, I hope you did well.
1. In 1926, the police raided Mae West Broadway show ‘Sex’ and jailed her on vice charges. What did the rise wisecracking blonde sexpot claim when she was freed after serving 8 days of her 10 day sentence?
A: That it was the only time she ever got anything for good behavior.
2. Who was the first person ever awarded a gold record?
A: Glenn Miller, for Chattanooga Choo-Choo.
3. What singer named Clara Ann Fowler at birth adopted the name of the milk company that sponsored her first radio show?
A: Patti Page. The company was the Page Milk Company of Tulsa, Oklahoma.
4. What famous entertainer was known as Annie Mae Bullock before she adopted her stage name?
A: Actress-Singer, Tina Turner.
5. The singing duo of Caesar and Cleo only achieved fame under another name. What was it?
A: Sonny and Cher.
6. Country music comedienne, Minnie Pearl, always wore a hat with a price tag on it when she performed. What was the amount written on the price tag?
A: $1.98
7. Who was the only cast member of the hit rock musical Hair who refused to shed her clothes in the nude closing number?
A: Diane Keaton
8. What top rock group took it’s name from a song by blues great Muddy Waters?
A: The Rolling Stones. Water’s song, of course, was "Rolling Stone".
9. Under what name did New Wave singer-songwriter Declan McManus gain fame?
A: Elvis Costello
10. What famous singer, after receiving an honorary degree from Georgetown University, enrolled as a freshman and earned a BA in Theology?
A: Pearl Bailey. She received her BA in 1985 after seven years as a part-time student.
As you already know I really love passing on my never-ending lists of totally useless crap to my readers. I hope it helps make all of you moderately good Trivial Pursuit players as well as the winner of many a bar wager. I thought I’d take a somewhat different approach this time and make things a bit more interesting.
Usually I just supply the facts for you to enjoy but not today. I had a few readers give me some grief recently about never having any interesting facts from the music sector. The following ten questions need answered and it’s up to each of you to provide them. Are you up for the challenge? Even if you’re a true musical aficionado these music related questions should challenge even you. I’ll supply the answers tomorrow so let’s see just how good your trivia skills really are.
1. In 1926, the police raided Mae West Broadway show ‘Sex’ and jailed her on vice charges. What did the wisecracking blonde sexpot claim when she was freed after serving 8 days of her 10 day sentence?
2. Who was the first person ever awarded a gold record?
3. What singer named Clara Ann Fowler at birth adopted the name of the milk company that sponsored her first radio show?
4. What famous entertainer was known as Annie Mae Bullock before she adopted her stage name?
5. The singing duo of Caesar and Cleo only achieved fame under another name. What was it?
6. Country music comedienne, Minnie Pearl, always wore a hat with a price tag on it when she performed. What was the amount written on the price tag?
7. Who was the only cast member of the hit rock musical ‘Hair’ who refused to shed her clothes in the nude closing number?
8. What top rock group took it’s name from a song by blues great Muddy Waters?
9. Under what name did New Wave singer-songwriter Declan McManus gain fame?
10. What famous singer, after receiving an honorary degree from Georgetown University, enrolled as a freshman and earned a BA in Theology?
I told you they weren’t easy. I’m guessing anyone who scores more than five correct answers really knows their stuff. Check back tomorrow for the answers. I think you’ll find them interesting.
I guess I need to apologize for the short and uninformative posting yesterday. My state of mind was kind of like a weather report on the evening news: Higher temperatures expected this evening with intermittent diarrhea and vomiting. Tomorrow’s forecast looks much better with lower temperatures and calm and clear conditions (I hope).
My better-half has accused me in the past of being a cynical SOB who is skeptical about everyone and everything. I have to agree with her to a point but I prefer the term pragmatic which sounds a little better. With that in mind I’m trying to look at this bout of flu or virus from a different perspective. I’ll pretend to be the optimistic and happy-go-lucky kind of guy my better-half wishes me to be.
Here goes. For most of the day I was in and out of sleep and running a fairly high temperature. I was dreaming and conscious most of the time but not really making much sense of things. As bad as I felt I found that special something that my better-half has been preaching to me about. I’m happy, proud, and honored to announce that I spent some quality time in a classroom with Sir Isaac Newton. His hair was a little strange looking but the conversation was educational and informative. I won’t go into specifics because they’re still a little fuzzy and hard to remember. Dreams are like like.
The second good thing about this illness was a little harder to discover but being the new and improved optimistic SOB I’ve become I finally figured it out. Weight loss. I’ve lost close to six pounds in less than three days and I didn’t have to hit the gym or participate in any physical activity. That’s a true statement if you don’t consider projectile vomiting a form of exercise. I know I sure don’t.
So, excellent and historically incorrect dreams along with a six pound weight loss. It really can’t get much better than that says my better-half. I hate to burst her rose-colored-glasses bubble but I have no choice. As much as I like meeting a long dead scientist and losing six pounds of ugly fat, it still wasn’t worth it. In my humble opinion being optimistic is highly overrated. I plan on staying just the way I am and the hell with Isaac Newton, a few pounds of weight loss, and my ever so optimistic better-half.
The morale of the story is simple: "Being sick sucks!"
I’m about a month away from completing my fifth year of retirement. I think a celebration of sorts is called for because this has been one of the most difficult transitions I’ve ever had to make.
I’ve always been someone who readily adapted to change. I’ve lived in many places over the years as required by my jobs and I worked my way up the corporate ladder twice with two different national companies. I had hopes of a great retirement and pension but unfortunately both companies were purchased by other companies and neither survived that purchase. You adjust because you must. When there is no choice at all you pick yourself up and get back to work.
Fortunately that was one of the things my father made sure I had. I had no fear of hard work and I also had a killer work ethic. I worked my ass off for thirty years, 6 days a week, tons of travel, and change, change, change. I started three business over the years and had reasonable successes with two and failed miserably in the third. Shut up, get up, and keep on keeping on.
Making the change to early retirement was something I never thought I would get to do. I’d already excepted the fact that I’d be working until they found me slumped at my desk or in my car. As in all things timing is everything. After the failure of my two most important employers I took a public service position with the State of Maine. My fear of having another company hire me and then fail had sent me there. Whoever heard of a State going bankrupt?
The State of Maine surprised me a little. They didn’t go bankrupt but they did call me in to tell me my work load was going to increase by 30% without a comparable wage increase. I received a confidential call a short time later from a friend in the state capital who told me my position was on the chopping within two months. I had no choice and was lucky enough to be able take early retirement before the axe fell. Hooray for me right?
Making the transition from workaholic to retiree was the worst. I made the change immediately by giving Goodwill all of my suits, shirts, ties, and dress shoes. I threw away my wrist watch because it was no longer something I needed. It took at least eighteen months to find a comfortable rhythm for my life and to end the depression I was suffering with.
I hate making this sound like a sad story because it isn’t. I’m retired for God’s sake. How can I possibly be whining? I found these quotes recently that just made me laugh not because they’re all that funny but because they’re all so true. My sense of humor has gotten through a lot of change and it’s things like these quotes that really help.
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The money is no better in retirement but the hours are! — Author Unknown
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"According to your latest data if you retire today, you can live reasonably well until 5 p.m. tomorrow."— Dave Erhard
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My retirement plan is to find a shopping cart with good snow tires.
— Patty Doyle
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‘The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.’ Anonymous
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‘When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch.’ R C Sherriff.
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‘It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.’ Scott Elledge.
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‘There’s one thing I always wanted to do before I quit…retire!’ Groucho Marx
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Retirement kills more people than hard work ever did – Malcolm Forbes
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Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did – Robert Benchley
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What do gardeners do when they retire? – Bob Monkhouse
I love being retired. It gives a lot of freedom to do all those things I said I was going to do but never did. I spend most of my time concerned with the care and feeding of my better-half who is still caught up in the rat race. I try to be her stress reliever and to keep her as happy as I can. I may bitch and complain about a lot of things but my life is good. I’m what my Dad used to describe as, “fat (not too much), dumb, and happy”.
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