I’ve been called many things in my life. Some were complimentary and others not so much. My all-time favorite without a doubt is that I’m a sarcastic son-of-bitch. To me that is nothing more than a badge of honor which I wear proudly. Most people know the word sarcastic but have no idea what it really means. I’ve spent many years honing my sarcasm skills so today I’m now willing to share some of them with you. Here are some commonly used words with a beautiful yet sarcastic explanation. Read on my sarcastically uneducated and challenged readers.
CALM-What you are usually urged to remain around the time the third engine on the aircraft has failed.
PERFECTIONIST-The worst kind of boss; the best kind of sex partner.
PERKY-Lively, jaunty, brisk, or to put it another way, just asking for a punch in the damn face.
PUBLIC RESTROOM-A place containing toilet seats that make you wish you could be taught how to hover.
REALITY-A state in which you assume everybody else resides, until you start dating.
REGRET-The gnawing, inescapable feeling that behaving like a total dick for your entire life may not have been such a good idea.
MACHO-A form of overstated masculinity, requiring males to live in a state of constant readiness to whip it out and see whose is bigger.
NITPICK-To rip someone a new one without leaving anything out.
DRUNK-Intoxicated with alcoholic beverages. An absolutely crucial component in the decision to photocopy one’s ass cheeks.
DRESS-Something that does not, I said not, make you look fat.
DEGREE-A certificate of academic achievement awarded at the college level. Comes in very handy when asking people if they want fries with that.
CHIVALRY-Considerate behavior that a man completely abandons right after as many dates as it takes to get a woman into bed.
BAR-A place where lonely, desperate people go to get hammered enough to find other lonely, desperate people suddenly irresistible.
HOTDOG-The toenails, lips, and eyebrows of various animals served on a bun.
HUNGOVER- A condition that makes figuring out who was next to you in bed this morning take anywhere from five minutes to a lifetime.
I’m a huge fan of using quotations in my posts from the rich, the famous, and the wannabe famous. I thought today would be a good day to give kudos to the one person who supplies us with endless quotations that are almost always funny, truthful, and many times sarcastic. That writer is Mr. Anonymous. I did a little research this morning and came up with 15 quotes from Mr. Anonymous that I really liked and I hope you enjoy them as much as I did. Here they are.
“Criticism is the disapproval of people, not for having faults but for having faults different from ours.“
“The Eiffel Tower in Paris is the Empire State building after taxes.“
“One reassuring thing about modern art is that things can’t possibly be as bad as they are painted.“
“An average film is where the actor has more lines in his face than in his script.“
“Modern art is when you buy a picture to cover a hole in the wall and then decide the hole looks much better.“
“Dancing is the perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.“
“Hollywood is Malice in Wonderland.“
“If white bread could sing it would sound like Olivia Newton John.“
“Television is a box that has changed children from an irresistible force into an immovable object.“
“Parents never appreciate a teacher unless it rains all weekend.“
MR. ANONYMOUS
“You can tell a Harvard man, but you can’t tell him much.“
“Psychology is the science that tells you what you already know in words you don’t understand.“
“Eating food with a knife and fork is like making love through an interpreter.“
“If you speak three languages your trilingual. If you can speak two languages you are bilingual. If you can only speak one language you’re an American.“
“A Hollywood marriage is one in which the couple vow to be faithful until after the honeymoon.“
And now I’ll offer up one of my own quotes:
“OLD AGE AND RETIREMENT ARE JUST KARMIC RETRIBUTION”
Now that 47 has begun his presidency the media and its leftwing troops have been forced to fill the airways with a few new and stupid additions to the English language. Fake News, Unalive, and Lib-tards to name a few. The new-but-old standbys will once again be introduced by the lib-tards such as Nazis, Dictator, and King. Everyone is well aware of the phrase (Fake News) especially in the US and the UK. The UK citizens are being fed a constant stream of BS by the government and the BBC and if they dare to complain they’re sure to be arrested by the Thought Police. It’s a bitch living in a country that has no First Amendment but instead they sill have their effing Monarchy (Too Bad, So Sad):
In the original draft of the Bill of Rights, what is now the First
Amendment occupied third place. The first two articles were
not ratified by the states, so the article on disestablishment
and FREE SPEECH ended up being first.
I could list more but what’s the point. The words are meaningless for the most part and are only used by politicians who’ve have lost their party and their minds. I’ll be listing a few words in todays post that aren’t commonly known but maybe the lib-tards can adopt a few of them for their “speechifying” (a shout out for Mark Twain who used that word often).
ROWELL: the revolving star on the back of a cowboys spurs.
COLUMELLA: the bottom part of the nose that separates the nostrils.
NITTLES: the punctuation marks used to denote swear words in comic books.
OBDERMITION: when an arm or a leg “goes to sleep” as a result of numbness caused by pressure on a nerve.
FERRULE: the metal band on the top of the pencil that hold the eraser in place.
ARMSATE: the hole in a shirt or a sweater through which you put your hand and arm.
RASCETA: the creases on the inside of your wrist.
OPHYRON: the space between your eyebrows
PURLICUE: the space between the extended thumb and index finger.
KEEPER: the loop on a belt that holds the end in place after it has passed through the buckle.
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YOU CAN’T BLAME THESE ON 47(UNLESS YOU’RE A LIB-TARD)
This blog is titled Every Useless Thing and I’m feeling today that you all must certainly need a huge dose of useless information. Just when I thought I’ve heard the weirdest s**t possible I just keep finding more and more and more. After all the years of my doing trivia it still amazes me how often I find things that boggle my mind. Let’s see if that will happen to you today.
The waist produced by a single chicken in its lifetime could supply enough electricity to run a 100 watt bulb for five hours.
The odds of being struck by lightning are one in 10 million.
Murphy’s Law: “Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.”
In 1992 convicted killer Robert Alton Harris stated just before entering the gas chamber: “You can be a king or a street sweeper, but everyone dances with the Grim Reaper.”
The highest score ever achieved for one word in a Scrabble competition was 392 for the word caziques down two triple-word scores.
Mike Love, Pancho Villa, and Zsa Zsa Gabor were each married nine times.
Groucho Marx ate his first bagel at the age of 81..
Harrison Ford’s first film role was as a bellboy and his only line was “Paging Mr. Ellis”. Ellis was played by James Coburn.
Click Eastwood, Yasser Arafat, Elizabeth Taylor, Patrick Swayze, Sting, Luciana Pavarotti, Rowan Atkinson, and Ted Kennedy all survived plane crashes.
The odds of being killed in a road accident are one in 15,800.
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One of My Favorite Bands
The rock group 3 Dog Night obtained their name from an old Australian saying.“On a freezing night in the outback, a man would need to sleep with one dog to keep warm on a cold night, two dogs on a very cold night and three dogs on the coldest night.”
Now that the NFL preseason has kicked off, I can once again turn into the fanatical Steeler fan that tends to irritate everyone in Maine or New England. I’m not as rabid as some fans but I am criminally loyal to the Pittsburgh Steelers. I swore when the season started this year I was never going to be a Steeler fan again because of their lousy record in actually playing football in playoff games.
Sorry, but I once again lied. I’ve now decided to include the Tampa Buccaneers as my backup team if the Steelers suck again this year. I’ve always been a Baker Mayfield fan and I would love to see him in the Superbowl if the Steelers don’t or can’t make it.And one additional comment: Tell T.J. Watt to get with the program. Doesn’t he realize by now he’s letting his ego send a wrong message to the fan base (my personal opinion). He sounds a little whiny for the big bruiser that he is. Also, his post seasons are nothing to brag about either.
Today’s post is a trivia quiz on sports for those crazy-ass sports fanatics that are waiting to show me how good they are. We shall see. As always the answers are at the bottom.
Where did the territorial-capture board game Go originate, 4000 years ago?
During a serve in American racquetball, what is the first surface the ball must hit after the racket?
How many unique numbers are used in Sudoku?
When did Ralph Samuelson invent waterskiing?
What is the minimum number of moves needed to achieve checkmate in chess?
Which of these sports is not represented in the Olympics? Basketball, Cricket, Dressage, or Handball
Sam Roth hit the fastest tennis serve ever recorded in 2012. How fast was it?
Who holds the record for most points (100) in a single NBA game?
Who invented the game of Scrabble
When Bingo started sometime around 1929, what was it called?
1896
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Answers
China, The front wall, 9, 1922, 2, Cricket, 163 mi./h, Wilt Chamberlain, Alfred Mosher Butts, Beano.
I thought I’d try something a little different today. I usually have lists of trivia facts about all sorts of topics and at times they can be interesting, funny, and every so often downright weird. Today’s trivia is a little more on the darker side but still interesting. Here are ten bits of trivia that’ll make you think and possibly shudder a little.
Howard Hughes at times wore empty tissue boxes as shoes. He also blew his nose in his socks.
Napoleon Bonaparte was afraid of cats, but he wasn’t alone: other ailurophobe’s included Adolf Hitler, Benito Mussolini, and Julius Caesar.
Actress Cybill Shepherd dated Elvis Presley in the early 1970s and once hinted on the Oprah Winfrey show that she had to teach the singer how to perform cunnilingus.
And here are two Osbourne family tidbits. Kelly Osbourne once expressed interest in posing nude for Playboy, but said that her breasts would need “some airbrushing.” Playboy founder Hugh Hefner later replied, “We don’t airbrush to that extent.”
Sharon Osbourne, wife of the late great Ozzy Osbourne, once admitted to sending her own excrement wrapped in Tiffany boxes to several people who criticized her family. When a journalist criticized her teenage children, Jack and Kelly, Ms. Osborne sent a box of excrement with a note that read, “I heard you got an eating disorder. Eat this.“
After his death in 1955, Elbert Einstein’s brain was removed and kept in a jar by Thomas Stoltz Harvey, the pathologist who conducted Einstein’s autopsy. Harvey was later fired from his job at Princeton Hospital for refusing to relinquish the organ.
Once upon a time an Italian stripper suffocated to death after waiting an hour to jump out of a sealed cake at a bachelor party.
The Cannibal Killer, Dorangel Vargas, The Hannibal Lector of the Andes, told the press that he preferred the taste of men to women, and never ate hands, feet, or testicles. “I have standards, you know”, said Vargas.
The FBI estimates that more than half a million pedophiles are online every day.
Television remote controls are the worst carriers of bacteria in hospital rooms; they spread antibiotic resistant Staphylococcus, which contributes to the 90,000 annual deaths from infection acquired in hospitals.
I’ve spend a great deal of my life investigating matters which required me to become well versed in verbal gymnastics by people who were skilled in the art of lying. I’ve interviewed and interrogated thousands of individuals, suspects, criminals of all types, and just plain evil people. Many were well skilled at lying and confusing the facts and had to be verbally dissected by me to get at the truth. I actually had a company send me to a school in Chicago where I was thoroughly trained to become a human polygraph. Learning body language and advanced interrogation techniques helped me immensely in identifying and dealing with those sneaking folks who used more silent and damaging techniques through the use of rumor and innuendo. I met and was constantly challenged by some truly smart but dishonest and dangerous people. Was I always successful? No! To this day I still look back on some that got away and it still angers me.
Years ago I stumbled upon a book that I later came to cherish. It was written in the 1960’s and was titled The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense compiled by Suzette Haden Elgin. She published an excellent book that organized and defined the subject of verbal abuse. She explained how to identify verbal attacks and how to defend against them. This post will contain a number of quotes from that book that may help us all to better understand the problem and the possible defenses against it.
The Four Basic Principals
Know that you are under attack.
Know what kind of attack you are facing.
Know how to make your defense fit the attack.
Know how to follow through.
There is a well know therapist, Virginia Satir who in her books has developed a set of terms for common verbal behaviors. These five patterns are called the Five Satir Modes and identify the types of people to look out for. It’s much easier to defend yourself if you can identify the type of person who is creating your difficulties.
Five Satir Identifiers
The Placater
The Placater is frightened that other people will become angry, will go away, and never come back.
The Blamer
The Blamer feels that nobody cares about him/her, that there is no respect or affection for him/her and that people are indifferent to his/her needs and feelings.
The Computer
The Computer is analytical. He/she is terrified that someone will find out what his/her feelings really are. If possible the Computer will give the impression that he/she has no feelings whatsoever.
The Distracter
The Distrater is a tricky one to keep up with, because her/she does not hold to any of the other previous patterns. He/she cycles rapidly between modes, with an underlying feeling of panic with surface behavior being a chaotic mix.
The Leveler
The true Leveler does just what the name implies; this person levels with you. A phony Leveler, however, is more dangerous than all the other categories combined, and hard to spot. If you assume you are discussing the genuine article, what the Leveler is actually saying is only what he/she is feeling.
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Needless to say this is just a bare-bones summary of what could always be a difficult and dangerous situation. Maybe it will help.
Limericks are the best. I’ve been reading them for years and writing a great many of my own. My limerick archives go all the way back to 1879. I did discover that posting some of those really old ones requires a bit of a rewrite. Some of the profanities back then were just gratuitous and actually detracted from the overall entertainment value. I may have softened the language a little but they’re still a fun read. Todays selections are related specifically to younger women. Don’t complain to me about the content, the people who wrote these have been dead a very long time.
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A bather whose clothing was strewed
By winds that left her quite nude,
Saw a man come along,
And unless we are wrong
You expected this line to be lewd. (1944)
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A lady athletic and handsome
Got wedged in her sleeping room transom.
When she offered much gold
For release, she was told
That the view was worth more than the ransom. (1944)
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There was a young maid from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass;
Not rounded and pink,
As you’d probably think,
It was gray, had long ears, and ate grass. (1940)
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I’m tempted to post a few of my own limericks but unfortunately they’re very rude and sexual explicit. I may rewrite them someday but not today. Instead I offer up a rather lame poem of mine written about my first sexual experience, to show all of you what a freaking romantic I’m not. LOL
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local bars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by a woman. Many females are using a date rape drug on the market called “Beer.” The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs. Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply asks him to come home with her for some no-strings attached sex.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this Beer scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you just look up “Golf Courses” in the phone book
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A man walks into a bar and says “G-g-gimme a b-b-beer. The bartender says, “Seems as though you’ve got a major stuttering problem.” The man replies, N-n-no k-k-kidding!” The bartender says, “I used to stutter, but my wife cured me. One afternoon she gave me oral sex three times in a row, and I haven’t stuttered since!” The man says, “W-w-wow, th-th-that’s great to kn-kn-know” A week later, the same man returns to the bar, and says, “G-g-gimme a b-b-beer.” The bartender says, “Why didn’t you do what I told you?” “I d-d-did try”, said the man. “It j-j-just d-d-didn’t w-w-work. But I m-m-must say, you have a r-r-really n-nice apartment.
AND TO MY BETTER-HALF AND ALL OF YOU OTHER BEER FANATICS
I’ve always been attracted to graveyards. There’s no better place to paint, sketch or write than the peaceful quietness of a graveyard. It’s one of the few places still left where someone can go and relax without interferences from the rest of the living human race. I once lived in a city called Lakeville in Massachusetts and for many years I was known far and wide by the police departments and many citizens as someone who was consistently haunting local graveyards. In the Plymouth area there are still tombstones from the 1600’s with some truly bizarre epithets and poetry. I just takes a little time and dedication to find them. Todays post will contain what some people would consider morbid information and that’s true, it is a little morbid but it’s still interesting. Being the kind and generous soul that I am, I’m willing to share.
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“Haircut!” Last words of famous gangster Albert Anastasia in 1957 while getting a trim.
“Smite my womb.” Spoken by Agrippina, mother of Nero, to the assassins sent to kill her by her son.
“The strongest.” Uttered by Alexander the Great when asked who should succeed him.
“The executioner is, I believe, an expert . . . and my neck is very slender. Oh God, have pity on my soul, . . . ” as she was beheaded.
“I hope so.” Stated by Andrew Carnegie, steel magnet and philanthropist, to his wife who’d just wished him a good night:
Epithets
Burlington, Massachusetts
Sacred to the memory of Anthony Drake,
Who died for peace and quietness sake;
His wife was constantly scolding and scoffin’,
So he sought for repose in a twelve dollar coffin.
everyuselessthing.com 