I occasionally make good-natured fun of women. Admittedly they can be funny as hell but it’s more of an excuse for me to irritate my better-half. Guess what? It works every time. She never fails to try and even the score in any number of ways but even then, I find her attempts at humor even funnier. Today’s post contains a lot of one-liners that will make most of my women readers smile and possibly giggle. The guys may cringe a little and call me an ass but IDC. If you can’t laugh at yourself, you’re beyond help anyway.
What is a man’s idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don’t like the idea of a stranger making ninety percent of their decisions.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don’t fit right in the crotch.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is coming.
Why do only 10% of men go to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be hell.
TEN THINGS MAN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
1. They have pussies.
2 – 9 ???
10. They have breasts too.
What’s the difference between a penis and a prick? A penis is fun, sexy and satisfying. A prick is the guy who owns it.
What is the one thing that keeps most men out of college? High school.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Because breasts don’t have eyes.
How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, men will screw anything.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
I’m sitting here in my man-cave reading a novel that is quite romantic. I’m not a usual reader of romance novels but there’s a reason I’m reading this one. For the last nine days in a row my better-half has requested my presence to watch Rom-Coms after dinner. I have to admit that I enjoy some of them but the great majority are kind of trashy and stupid. She insists that these movies are the epitome of romance, I couldn’t disagree more. Over the years I’ve been called many things, some good and some not so good by a variety of ladies. I can honestly say I have never been called romantic and again I disagree with them as well. In my opinion women should not be the final word on whether a man is romantic or not. On one or two occasions I’ve actually had women call me out in front of others for being unromantic, and for the last time I again absolutely disagree.
I recall an old movie that I thoroughly enjoyed watching starring Steve Martin and Daryl Hannah called Roxanne. It was a mushy silly takeoff on some Shakespearean story and at one point in the story Steve Martin serenaded Daryl Hannah at her bedroom window. If that’s a requirement for being identified as romantic, forget about it. I may be a lot of things but a singer I’m not. If I attempted to serenade a woman two things would immediately occur. First, she would cover her ears and slam the window shut. Secondly, the police would arrest me for “disturbing the peace” and “being a public nuisance”. So scratch serenading off my list of romantic things I could do.
I love reading but reading Shakespeare and stuffy poetry aloud to a woman I’ve just become interested in isn’t going to happen either. I’m more likely to recite some of my own poetry which is usually funny and a little off-color. You know what I mean, “There once was a man from Nantucket . . .”. Strike two for me. Maybe my critics were right after all. Allow me to continue my thought processes before you make your final decision.
I’ve been known to create a CD or two filled with romantic Lionel Richie love songs which I must say works like a charm. I’ve also been known to send flowers on occasion but unfortunately only to my mother on Mother’s Day.
Quite a few times in the past I’ve given IOU’s to various women for foot rubs. I’ve been complimented numerous times about my delicate and sensitive touch but I’ve never fully explained to most of them about my harmless but fun foot fetish. That’s my little secret.
Body massages are always a great approach for intimacy with many wonderful advantages available if done properly. Just so you know, I can massage with the best of them. So give me some points for that.
Taking a woman to dinner can be a pleasurable experience as well. It’s also a pretty good way to guilt them into sex. Spend $20 for the meal and you’ll likely get a long leisurely French kiss at the door. Spend $50 and you get an invitation to come in and play “slap and tickle” on the couch for a while. Spend over $100 for the meal and purchase an expensive bottle of wine and you’ll be swept into the “Promised Land” on the ‘Wings of Angels”. Been there and done that too.
Take them to a movie after that good meal and make sure it’s a tear-jerking “chick flick” and your golden. Dropping a few tears during the love scenes is perfect. Pretend to wipe the tears from your cheek so she can’t see you doing it, but make sure she does. A good meal, a bottle of good wine, a mushy movie, and a tear or two, and she’s yours for the asking. Now, if that’s not romance I don’t know what is.
So what have we learned about me. I like good food and good wine – Check! I like movies – Check! I like to spend time with women – Check! I write off-color and funny poetry – Check! I like massaging the naked bodies and feet of women – Check! I can drop a tear or two if necessary – Check! I like sex – Check! I can sleep over or go home immediately after sex – Your choice!
What do you consider as a day in your life you’d never forget? Is it the day you found a $10.00 bill in a parking lot or is that day you had the best sex of your life? I’m sure that all of us have a few of those memorable days we enjoy looking back on.
Early in my life I decided that the reports of an afterlife were just so much hokum and I needed to approach my life in a manner that reflected that thought. If this existence was all we’d ever have then I needed to aggressively pursue those things I really desired. If I didn’t obtain them and experience them now I’d never get another chance.
I left home for college, then quit college , joined the Army, went to Korea, fell in love, returned to the states, became a cop, got married, hang glided, sky dived, and bungee jumped. Moved to New England, became a businessman, joined Greenpeace, left Greenpeace, started a business, adopted a son and became a long distant cyclist. Stood on the summit of Mt. Washington in a thunder storm with my hands in the air and a prayer on my lips. Became a pretty decent racquetball player, got divorced, sold my home and moved to the coast. Bought a house on the water, bought two ferrets, and partied for two years. Lost my job, sold my house, and moved to Maine. Bought my first digital camera, got a job interviewing criminals, bought another house, met the love of my life, and settled down.
Sounds like a pretty strange and wonderful life so let me tell you what I did yesterday. On a damp and crappy day I spent an hour and a half standing in and shoveling compost. To misquote Robert Duval in the movie Apocalypse Now, "I just love the smell of compost in the morning." There’s nothing quite like the smell of rotting organic material wafting into your nostrils and making your eyes water. It’s sticks to your shoes and later in the day you may even find a few small chunks in the folds of your clothing as a further reminder.
I’m now officially adding that job, COMPOST SHOVELER, to my endless list of dumb-ass jobs and even dumber-ass accomplishments that continue to keep my life so interesting. I guarantee I won’t be looking fondly on today’s task in the future but my memories of that smell are permanent.
I’ve been racking my brain for the last few days trying to come up with some ideas for my least favorite holiday that’s approaching. Everyone on the planet knows it’s a made-up holiday supported primarily by greeting card companies but it doesn’t change the fact that we men are required to do the proper thing regardless for Valentine’s Day. The proper thing being candy, flowers, and an emotional and over the top “love” card. If you really want to get lucky it also may require an expensive dinner and a crazy night on the town. It’s kind of like Christmas. You get one big gift that’s meant to last the whole year.
I really don’t mean to sound like a man but unfortunately that’s what I am. I decided to do a little net surfing in an attempt to identify those things that men want from women in a relationship and vice versa. It seems that everyone is an expert on this subject and in order for me to be thorough I would’ve been forced to read through hundreds of websites. My laziness resulted in these two lists with 10 items each listing the primary “wants” from both genders. This first list is what men are looking for in the women they date in the hopes of finding their soulmate.
What Men Want in Women
Physical Intimacy
Confident
Attractiveness
Love
Security
Trust
Sense of Humor
Supportive
As you can see there are no surprises in that list. This next list is things wanted by women in their men to qualify them for “soulmate” status.
What Women Want in Men
Love
Sense of Humor
Confident
Respectful
Sexual Passion
Trustworthy
Chivalrous
Attractive
Ambitious
Imaginative
Again no real surprises at all. Some minor differences but nothing too shocking. Let me make a statement that in my humble opinion will sum up the main wants and needs of both sexes in one simple sentence.
“I want an attractive, confident, trustworthy, and sexy person.”
For me that says it all. Those characteristics were common to both lists and I suspect haven’t changed much since the first man met the first women. Thousands of years, millions of people, trillions of dollars, and I figured it all out in an hour. So if you have all of these qualities you should be in demand as a single person and a major catch for marriage seekers. If you think that that sentence describes you and you aren’t in demand it can only mean one thing. I got it all wrong. If I’m wrong then I’d advise you to get your ass in gear and buy some candy, some flowers, a mushy card, a fancy dinner, and then pray for the sex your hoping to get on Valentine’s Day night.
For a few extra thrills throw in some jewelry. Also I find it a little interesting that Valentine’s Day is represented by the initials VD. I don’t think it means anything, I’m just saying.
Class is now in session, so please take your seats, pay close attention, and prepare to become a little smarter. Our lessons for today are as follows:
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Lesson #7 – Why Does Alcohol Cause People to Urinate?
The reason why people urinate so frequently while drinking alcohol is because it is a diuretic i.e., a drug that increases the amount of urine produced by the kidneys. Caffeine, too, is a diuretic.
Alcohols diuretic effect works by preventing the blood regulation function of vasopressin, and antidiuretic hormone that acts on the kidneys, compelling them to concentrate urine by increasing the resorption of water. Decrease in vasopressin therefore reduces the amount of water reabsorbed by the kidneys, resulting in the production of larger amounts of urine. This diuretic effect draws water from the body and causes a person to urinate more fluid than they imbibe.
The diuretic effect (or diuresis) is caused not by the volume of liquid drunk but by the alcohol content of the drink itself. A shot of spirits will generally cause a person to generate as much urine as they would if they drink a pint of beer.
Now you know the reason for the consistently long lines at restrooms during sporting events. The next time your at a party and you hear the phrase “I could piss like a race horse”, get out of the way and let that person pass. You certainly don’t want any back splash on your shoes.
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Lesson #8 – Why Does the Penis Shrink When It’s Cold?
In cold weather or water, a man’s penis will often retract and reduce considerably in size. This phenomenon sometimes referred to as “shrinkage”, and it occurs for a number of reasons, primarily that of temperature regulation. The testicles are contained in the scrotum and suspended away from the body, owing to the fact that sperm can be produced only when conditions are slightly cooler than the core temperature of the body. The temperature range in which sperm can be produced is very narrow, varying by only a couple of degrees, and when the environment gets too cold the scrotum retracts, drawing the testicles closer to the body to increase the temperature. As the penis is attached to the scrotum, this retraction pulls up the penis along with it.
A sufficient steep drop in temperature will also prompt the body to reduce the amount of blood circulating to the extremities and appendages, and concentrate blood flow in the core of the body in order to check the vital organs. As the size of the penis is affected greatly by the amount of blood that it receives, when a drop in temperature causes a reduction in the amount of blood reaches it, the penis shrivels and decreases in size.
Penis can also reduce in size when a man is startled or frighten, again because the body retracts the scrotum to the body for maximum protection, following the penis and with it.
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Now all of you ladies out there have the inside scoop. You should no longer take it personally if a man fails to respond to your many charms since he’s either cold, wet, startled or even frightened. If he is none of those things then you have a serious problem that can only be solved by kicking him to the curb and moving on.
Does anyone reading this blog think I’m an MTV lover? Up until recently you would have been right if you said no. That was before I discovered a show which made me laugh so hard I almost peed myself. It’s called "The Girl Code" and I’ve kinda-sorta made it a part of my permanent watch list. The show introduces a group of really attractive young women who appear to be into clubbing, carousing, and enjoying the life of a typical woman in her twenties. They are offering their insights and rules into dating behavior that is so damn funny (and probably true) I just couldn’t stop watching and laughing.
I was quietly surfing through the TV channels one morning just minding my own business when I happened upon a really beautiful young woman. She was in the process of reciting one of the Girl Code Rules that I was totally unfamiliar with. It was and I quote, "Plop, flush, and get out." It concerned Ladies Room etiquette that we men haven’t been made privy to until now. Their list of rules appears endless and merciless to themselves, their friends, and their potential boyfriend candidates. Here’s a little more random information I’m supposed to believe are rules being followed by the young dating females in this country. I must admit I’m a bit skeptical and intimidated.
The number one rule is the MOST IMPORTANT ONE OF ALL. No girl may date her friend’s; exes, past crushes, guys who have humiliated/used her and guys she currently fancies. Acceptation’s to the rule: a) Your friend has given you permission/ couldn’t care less.
If you change boyfriends so fast they rarely achieve name status, a man must be around for at least six weeks before you make your friends bother to learn his first name. Until such time, he should be referred to as "The boy" or "That guy".
All girls must have a "Mr.Right Now". This is the guy friend who is always ready and available to hang out with you, and may or may not like you as more than a friend. He is always ready to party till dawn, and do things you wish you didn’t remember in the morning. He’s not “Mr. Right,” but he may be good enough to be “Mr. Right Now.”
If you just met a guy and know absolutely nothing about him, but need to refer to him during ‘girl talk’ you use one example of who he is, something he has, or what he does, and he becomes… that guy. (Ex. "The Camaro guy", "The Trainer dude", "The Four a.m. in the Taxi Guy")
Every girl must wait at least a day and a half before calling a guy whose number she has retrieved.
You are never in any case to date a friends ex or a guy who she was really into. Exception: If he’s one of those guys who every girl likes.
A girl has a right to lie in order to keep a secret told to her by her best friend.
It is fine to act like a BFF with someone and still think they’re weird, annoying, sluts, etc. behind their back but only if you talk about it with your REAL best friend.
Trying to hard to be friends with someone or some people makes you look annoying and stupid. Everyone will talk about you. And nobody will actually like you. DONT TRY TOO HARD.
I’m certainly glad my days of dating are over. If you’re a guy these days it’s kinda like walking through a minefield in your bare feet. If I stumble upon anymore of these unknown female rules and requirements I’ll be sure to pass them along immediately. The more information we males can collect and share can only help us in our eternal quest for recreational sex. My best advice is to tune in to MTV and catch a few episodes of Girl Rules. You may learn a thing or two but even if you don’t the girls are attractive and their rules are hysterical.
everyuselessthing.com 