Archive for the ‘limerick alert’ Tag
I’ve spent most of my day dealing with a belligerent computer program that refuses to do its job. I shouldn’t be too upset since it’s a program I purchased about 10 years ago. I suspect that it has finally gotten to the point where my new computer is more than it can handle. It was a program used to write what I spoke. Now I’ll be forced to step back a few years and begin typing everything myself. I suppose I’ve gotten a little lazy over the years relying on that software. That being said I’m posting a few limericks today that were originally written sometime prior to 1960. Enjoy them unedited.
💥
There once was a fellow named Abbott
Who made love to girls as a habit.
But he ran for the door
When one girl asked for more,
And exclaimed “I’m a man, not a rabbit.”
💥💥
There was a young lady named Frances
Who suffered embarrassing trances.
She stripped to the skin
Before Father Flynn
And made him indecent advances.
💥💥💥
A naked young tart named Roselle
Walked the streets while ringing a bell.
When asked why she rang it
She answered, “Gol dang it!
Can’t you see I something to sell?”
💥💥💥💥
To Sadie the touch of a male meant
An emotional cardiac ailment.
And acute shortness of breath
Caused her untimely death
😛😛😛😛😛
OLDIES BUT GOODIES
Here are a few old and bawdy limericks from years past. The “secret words” for today are VIRGINITY & MOTHERHOOD.
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A lady of virginal humors
Would only be screwed through her bloomers.
But one fatal day
The bloomers gave way,
Which fixed her for future consumers.
💥💥
A girl who lived in Kentucky
Said, “Yes, I’ve been awfully lucky.
No man ever yet
On my back made me wet,
But sometimes I feel awfully fucky.”
💥💥💥
There was a young man of Cape Horn
Who wished he had never been born.
And he wouldn’t have been
If his father had seen
That the end of the rubber was torn.
💥💥💥💥
There was a young girl from Penzance
Who decided to take just one chance.
So, she let herself go
In the lap of her beau,
And now all her sisters are aunts.
😏😏😏
WHO DOESN’T LOVE GOOD POETRY?
💥
The limerick’s an art form complex,
Whose contents run chiefly to sex.
It’s famous for virgins
And masculine urgings,
And vulgar, erotic effects.
💥💥
Undressing a virgin named Sue,
Her seducer remarked, “If it’s true
That an apple a day
Keeps the doctor away,
Think how healthy you must be with two”!
💥💥💥
There was a young student named Jones
whose urgings reduced maidens to moans.
By his wonderful knowledge
(Acquired in college),
Of nineteen erogenous zones.
💥💥💥💥
The orgy began on the lawn,
Several hours ahead of the dawn.
We found ourselves viewing
Sixty-six vulgar couples screwing,
But by sunup they had all come and gone!
😏😁😎
Here are a few limericks concerning food. They aren’t that bawdy, but they should still be considered “food for the soul”. So, enjoy them all especially the one with those juicy cantaloupes.
💥
By Ed Cunningham
As the natives got ready to serve
A midget explorer named Merv,
“This meal will be brief,”
Said the cannibal chief,
“For this is at best an hors d’oeuvre.”
💥💥
By Charlotte McBee
A greengrocer’s wife, named Yvette,
Took her cantaloupes out (for a bet).
A couple of felons
Made off with her melons,
And they’ve not apprehended them yet!
💥💥💥
By Val Pohler
A young lady too fond of meringue
Let concerns for her figure go hang.
She consumed them in tons,
Along with cream buns,
Until she went off with a BANG!
💥💥💥💥
By Frank Richards
There was an old man of Peru
Who watched his wife making a stew.
He said, “It’s too thin.”
So, she pushed him right in,
Saying, “Nobody’s thicker than you!”
💥💥💥💥💥
TA DA!
Now that Labor Day has come and gone, we can all kick back, relax, and wait for the Fall foliage, then snow, and of course the string of holidays: Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hanukah, Christmas, New Years Eve and finally New Years Day. I’m exhausted already from just listing them all. Maybe I’m overdue for a two-month vacation to any remote island filled with topless native girls, beach feasts, and lots of grog and margaritas. But since that’s not happening how about we kick off the Fall season with a few “G” rated limericks.
My laptop, with skill and finesse,
has a brain that can beat me at chess.
But with no arms or body,
it stinks at karate.
Now please help me clean up this mess.
💥
I met a young spider named Deb,
who’s become quite a singing celeb.
When I asked how she’d grown
to be so well known,
she replied, “I’m all over the web!”
💥💥
Mom said our dog’s part retriever,
part collie, part badger and beaver,
and part German Shepherd,
part penguin, part leopard.
I’m nor sure if I should believe her.
💥💥💥
Biking, Mackensie once rode
down a street – heard a “pop” – and she slowed.
In discovering that
her front ire was flat,
she said, “Must have been that fork in the road!”
💥💥💥💥
SPECIAL THANKS TO BRIAN P. CLEARY
I’m not what anyone would consider a rabid sports fan. I love the NFL and the Pittsburgh Steelers, but I still can’t sit for three hours to watch a game filled with constant annoying commercials. I now rely on Facebook to supply me with recaps on Monday morning. I was for many years a huge fan of the Pittsburgh Pirates but that eventually faded away due to an organization afraid to spend money on exceptional players. They seem to have improved in this area this year, but I’ve been fooled before . . . so color me skeptical. One thing I’ve always loved even more than sports was any good limerick. I searched out a few samples about sports and I found them to be just as enjoyable as any sports event on television.
A showoff whilst skating on ice,
Turned a difficult somersault (twice).
He bounced on his head,
Spat out six teeth and said:
“I must try that again- it was nice!”
💥💥💥
I hit every home run we score,
I catch every catch and what’s more,
I aint missed a game,
You may not know my name,
But I’m up here in row eighty-four.
💥💥💥
I played a few times for the Yankees
(Though, as memories, I’ve tried to blank these).
I did what I could,
But I wasn’t much good,
And my antics had fans grabbing hankies.
💥💥💥
A team playing baseball in Dallas
Called the umpire “blind” out of malice.
While the ump had fits,
The team scored eight hits,
And a girl in the bleachers called Alice!
🏈🏐⚾🧢
GO STEELERS
Now that my blog has returned to something close to normal, what better way to start fresh than having a slightly off-color Limerick Alert. I thought I’d start out with this first limerick that hopefully will be appreciated by all of you poets out there. I’m sure you’ll recognize the reference to one of my favorite poets as soon as you see it.
There was a young man from New Haven
Who had an affair with a raven.
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin,
“Nevermore!”
😏😏😏
There once was a girl named Mc Goffin
Who was diddled amazingly often.
She was a rogered by scores
Who’d been turned down by whores,
And was finally screwed in her coffin.
😁😁😁
There was a young fellow from Florida
Who liked a friend’s wife, so he borrowed her.
When they got into bed
He cried, “God strike me dead!
This aint a pussy – it’s a corridor!”
😎😎😎
The lady with features cherubic
Was famed for her area pubic.
When they ask her its size
She replied in surprise,
“Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?”
🥇
E. A. P.
I’m trying desperately to remain cool here in my man-cave. Our house is not airconditioned so needless to say I’ve been spending most of my time in my cave which is so much cooler than the upper floors. I’ve located fans all around to help keep my computer system from overheating and it also helps to have a fridge nearby filled with cold beer, chilled wine, and icy cold water. I’ll remain here until the weather breaks or until hell freezes over, whichever comes first.
So, let me think. What could possibly make a hot and steamy day better? Hmm! Raunchy limericks immediately come to mind, and I intend to share a few with you.
Three cheers for the year “69”,
A year of erotic design.
It suggests a position
For oral coition,
Which suits nonvegetarians just fine.
💥ARE YOU FEELING COOLER YET? 💥
There was a young man from Ann Arbor
Whose cock was cut off by a barber.
In great consternation,
He said, “Masturbation
Will henceforth be very much harder.”
💥ITS GETTING FROSTY IN HERE! 💥
There was a young lady from Wheeling
Who professed to lack sexual feeling.
But a cynic named Boris
Just touched her clitoris,
And she had to be scraped from the ceiling.
💥WHERES MY PARKA AND GLOVES? 💥
A scientist from Russia named Adam
Took a pot shot at splitting the atom.
He blew off his penis,
And now, just between us,
Is known in the Kremlin as Madam.
😁🤪🙃😎🥰😂😏
WE’RE JUST TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL!
🍆🍩🍆🍩🍆🍩
I’ve always thought of myself as quite the romantic but unfortunately there weren’t many women who agreed. All you really can do is accept your failings and keep on trying. I admit that after hearing ‘you’re not very romantic” a dozen or more times I finally got the message. Unfortunately, I never seemed to get it right and after discussions with other men I discovered it was quite possible that I wasn’t the entire problem. I continued to stumble along like a kid in a candy store with no pennies in his pocket. These limericks are for all of those ladies (and I use the term loosely) that didn’t appreciate my hundreds of romantic moves. These beautiful poems are a little dated, but they all have important information concerning men and women involved in “Little Romances”.
I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda,
I was lewd, but my God! She was lewder.
She said it was crude
To be wooed in the nude
So, I pursued her, subdued her, and screwed her!
💖💖💖
There was a young lady of Arden,
The tool of whose swain wouldn’t harden.
Said she with a frown,
“I’ve been sadly let down
By the tool of a fool in a garden.”
💞💞💞
There was a young lady named Flynn
Who thought fornication a sin,
But when she was tight
It seemed quite all right,
So, everyone filled her with gin.
💝💝💝
There was a young man from Purdue
Who was only just learning to screw,
But he hadn’t the knack,
And he got too far back
In the right church, but the wrong pew.
💘💘💘
NEVER GIVE UP
It’s time for some limerick history. As you may be aware I collect limericks from all sorts of sources. Recently I purchased a few small used books from an online thrift bookstore. Buying books in bulk is always a risk but sometimes it pays off with pleasant surprises. Today’s limericks were published in a small inconsequential book of just sixty pages in 1960. It’s been 64 years since then and many of the limericks in the book were collected from even older sources. They are officially titled “Laundered Limericks” meaning many were cleaned of obscenities to get them printed but still contain some vulgarities. I’d probably rate some of these as PG but that’s for you readers to decide.
An old maid in the land of Aloha
Got wrapped in the coils of a boa.
And as the snake squeezed
The maid, not displeased,
Cried, “Darling! I love it! Samoa!”
🙃🙃🙃
There was a young lady named Gloria
Who was screwed by Sir Oswald Du Maurier,
And then by six men,
Sir Oswald again,
And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.
😎😎😎
There once was a man of high station
Who was found by a pious relation,
Making love on the floor,
To – I won’t say a whore,
But a lady of poor reputation.
😉😉😉
A remarkable race are the Persians,
They have such peculiar diversions.
They make love all day
In the regular way
And all night they practice perversions.
🤪🤪🤪
GOTTA LUV THEM 60’S
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