A young girl named Alice, in Dallas,
Had never enjoyed a fine phallus;
She was virgo intacto,
Because, ipso facto,
No phallus in Dallas fit Alice.
Archive for the ‘limerick’ Tag
10/07/2021 ***Limerick Alert*** 2 comments
10/03/2021 ***Limerick Alert*** Leave a comment
There once was a old tart, from Kilkenny,
Whose usual charge was a penny;
For half of that sum,
You might fondle her bum,
A source of amusement to many!
10/01/2021 ***Limerick Alert*** 2 comments
There was a young lady from Norway
Who hung by her toes in a doorway;
She said to her beau:
"Just look at me, Joe,
"I think I've discovered one more way!"
09/28/2021 ***Limerick Alert*** 2 comments
There was a young lady of Maine,
Who declared she'd a man on the brain.
But you knew from the view
Of her waist as it grew,
It was not on her brain he had lain.
09/26/2021 ***Limerick Alert*** Leave a comment
Oh, daddy, may I marry soon?
I love him. I'm over the moon!
What? Could I delay
Till April, or May?
But you'll be a granddad by June!
07/27/2021 Post Pandemic Courtesy Leave a comment
04-18-2016 Journal–Garden Fence & Humor! Leave a comment
More aches and pains as the garden begins to take shape. I’m trying to do as much work on it as I possibly can as early as I can. Last years efforts were almost ruined because I waited until the last minute to do much of the small things that are necessary. Learning from my mistakes is absolutely essential if I’m to have the garden I want.
Yesterday was another chilly morning but I was up and at it earlier than usual. I picked up my supplies the day before from Home Depot, the only store in the area that carried the type of fencing I needed. Here is the before photo on the newly completed frame without the fencing.
The fencing is made for controlling small animals such as rabbits and skunks which are my main problem. We have larger game in the area but they’ve never ben a problem for me. Fortunately I have a nearby neighbor with fruit trees and the deer love their fruit. The insist on visiting him on a regular basis and leaving me alone.
After an hour or so of cursing and swearing my job was completed. That should keep the little buggers out of the garden this year. I really dislike killing any animals so the cost of the fence is worth it to keep me guilt free. Here’s the photo of the completed fence.
If the weather warms up a little in the coming days I can drag out my rototiller to loosen up the soil. Then I can lay down the fabric into the frames which eliminates weeding completely because I hate weeding.
How about a little garden humor to start your day . . .
A woman’s garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won’t ripen. There’s a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she’s getting tired of it. So she goes to her neighbor and says, "Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?” Her neighbor replies, "Well, it may sound absurd but here’s what to do. Tonight there’s no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they’ll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they’ll all be red, you’ll see.” Well, what the heck? She does it. The next day her neighbor asks how it worked. "So-so,” she answers, "The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer.”
Here’s a salute to everyone’s favorite redneck gardener, Jeff Foxworthy . . .
You Might be a Redneck Gardener If:
You mow your lawn and find a wheelbarrow.
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it is yellow.
You don’t water your front yard rather than mow it.
You know how many bags of fertilizer your car can hold.
You’ve even cleaned your house with a leaf blower.
You empty the trash when you have enough to fill up the pickup.
You can amuse yourself for more that an hour with a hose.
You’ve been cited for reckless driving on a riding lawn mower.
You move your weed-eater to take a bath.
And finally here is a cute limerick which any Maine gardener will appreciate . . .
I ordered some new bulbs by mail
and tried to grow orchids large scale
exotics won’t grow
under three feet of snow
or battered with blizzards and hail!
C’MON WARM WEATHER
10-18-2014 Journal Entry-Some Peace, No Quiet! Leave a comment
One of the reason I love living in southern Maine is the peace and quiet. There are days when the quiet is absolute except for a few cars occasionally whizzing by. This road we live on has been a nightmare for years and in the winter accidents occur in and around our home quite often. It has quite the collection of potholes of every size and shape along with frost heaves to make things really interesting. For those of you that don’t know, a frost heave is a large mound that erupts beneath the road when the ground begins to freeze in the Fall. Our normal flat potholed road turns into a an amusement park ride. Living here requires that we develop and maintain a good relationship with a competent mechanic. I average a front-end wheel alignment every two years and that doesn’t include the costs for damage to wheel rims and tires. Once Spring arrives the road immediately returns to normal.
I was awakened this morning when my bed and house began vibrating and shaking. At first I thought we were having one of our occasional earthquakes but a glance out the front window explained everything. There was a gigantic machine rolling down the road, spitting smoke in every direction, chewing up asphalt and spitting out a fine black powder.
Apparently the town fathers finally decided to pave our road and of course never notified anyone who lives here. Just one big noisy machine after another beginning a 7 am and lasting the entire day. For most of the day I was forced to stay at home because my driveway was blocked at first by a dump truck and then later by a huge ten ton roller. I was thrilled to see my tax dollars working for me for the first time in a long while. Since Maine is known for it’s over the top approach to spending taxes on welfare for illegals, I never thought it would ever happen so I was stunned. I had finally won the tax lottery.
Here are a series of photos of the big project from start to finish.
Here’s my reward for you for being made to look at my boring pictures. It’s a limerick I wrote with all of the liberals politicians in mind who are determined to oust Republican governor LePage. It would be oh so sweet if LePage was reelected. It would make them crazy and hopefully send them right over the edge once again.
There once were politicians from Maine
Who in truth were a liberal pain.
They smile and they lie
But as hard as they try,
They’re too dumb to get out of the rain.
10-24-2013 Leave a comment
It’s time for all of you sports experts out there to find out how well or how badly you’ve done? Here are the promised answers that I intend to memorize for my own uses in our local tavern’s weekly trivia contest. One of these days these factoids will finally pay off and win me a beer or two or three.
* * *
1. The referee’s yellow flag. Taylor said he felt he deserved it because the ref’s “ threw it against me” often enough.
2. Tennis, at the 1900 games in Paris. Charlotte Cooper of Great Britain was the first gold medalist.
3. New York Giant knuckleballer week Hoyt Wilhelm, in 1952.
4. Jim Thorpe, in 1970. He did it a second time in 1919. Deion Sanders was the second athlete to accomplish the feat 70 years later, in 1989.
5. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar with 4657. Other career records he holds include number of minutes played (57,446), points scored (38,387), and field goals scored (15,837). He played from 1969 to 1989.
6. O.J. Simpson, who racked up 2003 yards for Buffalo in 1973, breaking the previous record of 1863 yards set 10 years earlier by Jim Brown.
7. Five.
8. The red brick tenement that was his boyhood home once stood on the site of second base at Cincinnati’s Riverfront Stadium.
9. Rookie Willie Mays.
10. “Little Warrior”. O’Neal is 7’1" tall.
* * *
Here’s the obligatory joke of the day. Those of us who are historically Microsoft customers will really appreciate this.
* * *
Microsoft vs. General Motors
A few years ago at a computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.
In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
-
For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
-
Every time they repaint the lines in the road, you’ll have to buy a new car.
-
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
-
Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
-
Apple Inc. will make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive – but would run on only five percent of the roads.
-
The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.
-
The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
-
Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
-
Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You’d have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
* * *
And finally for those of you that love limericks and beer, here’s a rather tame one proving once and for all that it’s possible for limericks to be funny without being too filthy.
There once was a girl named Ann Heuser,
Who swore that no man could surprise her.
But Pabst took a chance,
Found a Schlitz in her pants,
And now she is sadder Budweiser.
everyuselessthing.com 