Archive for the ‘new years eve’ Tag
Well, it’s New Years Eve once again. This was a fun holiday when I was in my teens and twenties but these days not so much. I never really understood what the big deal was and still don’t. It’s just a day and night made for drinking, carousing, and avoiding sobriety check points. I hope none of you become victims of that stupidity and cause an accident that may harm yourself and others by drinking and driving. In my years as a police officer, I made a point of not working on this holiday. I took the day off and then occasionally drank too much, caroused too much, and got really stupid. I managed to survive but only just.
This year I’m housebound and safe from the fits of holiday stupidity. Please be safe . . . and not too stupid. I wouldn’t want to be reading about any of you on “the day after”. Let me bring a few smiles to your lips before you decide to begin your celebration by taking a little trip to the 1980’s for some occasionally rude and hilarious humor.
- If the shrimps come in on a shrimp boat, how do the crabs come in? On the captain’s dinghy.
- Why did Miss Piggy miss her last concert? She had a frog in her throat.
- What happens when you moon in bumper-to-bumper traffic? You wind up with your ass in a jam.
- What’s the difference between a counterfeit dollar bill and a skinny girl? The counterfeit bill is a phony buck.
- What’s the definition of a real lady? Someone who doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink, and only curses if it slips out.
- Why did they name the new feminine hygiene spray SSY? Because it takes the PU out of pussy.
- What happens when a guaranteed condom breaks? The guarantee runs out.
- What’s 138? Dinner for four.
- When do you know you’ve had the world’s best head? You have to pull the sheet out of your ass.
- What’s the difference between frustration and panic? Frustration is the first time you find out you can’t do it the second time, and panic is the second time you found out you couldn’t do it the first time.
BE CAREFUL OUT THERE
First of all, I’d like to wish all of you out there a Happy New Year. I’m also going to pass along some information concerning deaths that occurred on New Year’s past due to excessive alcohol consumption and the misuse of fireworks and guns. This information was collected from numerous sources in the USA and Europe. Enjoy the holiday but don’t become famous as another stupid-death statistic.
During the study period (2020), we found that over 1,000 people were killed in fatal collisions across the United States on New Year’s Eve or Day. In fact, there were:
- 916 total fatal crashes
- 1,004 fatalities
- 341 fatal crashes involving drunk drivers
- 377 people killed in drunk driving crash
In terms of total crashes, Texas (188), Florida (167) and California (154) had by far the highest number. However, these three states are also the states with the highest population. When looking at fatal crashes per 100,000 licensed drivers, the safest and most dangerous states were much different.
The five states with the highest crash rates (most dangerous states) were:
- Mississippi
- Oklahoma
- South Carolina
- Wyoming
- Texas
Without a doubt, the hours between 1 am and 3 am are the most dangerous during the New Year’s holiday. These hours were numbers 1 and 2 for total fatal crashes involving a drunk driver. Interestingly, fatal crashes drop significantly during the midnight to 1 am, as people everywhere likely stay where they are to enjoy watching the ball drop.
The National Safety Council (NSC) estimates that 384 people may die on U.S. roads this New Year’s Day holiday period. Holidays traditionally are a time of travel for families across the United States and many choose car travel, which has the highest fatality rate of any major form of transportation based on fatalities per passenger mile.
If celebrating and dying on New Year’s Eve in the USA isn’t scary enough, read the following. Europeans are just as crazy as we are. They apparently prefer killing themselves with fireworks rather than vehicular homicides. New Year’s Eve data from 2020.
- In Germany, at least one death was reported early on Friday of a 24-year-old man in the eastern town of Rietz-Neuendorf, who died when homemade fireworks detonated shortly after midnight.
- Another case of improvised firework’s explosion left one man’s life in danger and two others injured near the western German city of Osnabrück. They were working with explosives, trying to create a pyrotechnic, when there was an explosion shortly after midnight.
- After they were barred from setting off fireworks in public spaces, some Berliners instead tried to launch them from their homes on New Year’s Eve, leading to dozens of fires across the German capital. Between midnight and just six minutes later, the Berlin fire service said it was called to 18 fires, with more following deeper into the night. No one reported any immediate serious injuries.
And I would be remiss if I didn’t mention those fun-loving Arabs in Iraq. What’s New Years without mowing down a few of your fellow citizens with meaningless gunfire.
- At least one civilian was killed and 25 injured in celebratory gunfire and fireworks marking the New Year in different parts of Iraq, a health official said on Friday. Fireworks were set off in several parts of the country despite a government ban on mass gatherings to contain the spread of the coronavirus.
PLEASE HAVE A HAPPY AND SAFE NEW YEARS CELEBRATION
***Stay Out of Iraq***
Well these few days of peace and quiet after Christmas are really starting to lose their magic. All of this noiselessness is beginning to make me a little antsy and on top of that the weather is insanely mild. I’ve lived in Maine for a long time and I’ve never seen weather in the mid-fifties with sunshine the week before New Years Day. While its saving us a great deal of money in heating oil costs it’s still a bit unsettling.
Yesterday was warm and sunny and there was no way we were staying home. We spent a good part of the day in the city of Portland and the surrounding area. We had a quick snack while on the road for lunch because we were planning on dinner at my favorite restaurant later in the day. It’s only my favorite restaurant because they serve the best damn catfish I’ve ever had. It’s called Famous Dave’s and it’s menu is good old down home southern food all the way. Lots of BBQ and an entire table full of hot sauce choices which make me sweat just thinking about them.
We ate until we were stuffed and I even tried two of their moonshine margaritas. It’s moonshine instead of tequila with the glass rimmed with salt flavored with BBQ sauce. I know it sounds a little strange but they are delicious. They also require the assistance of a designated driver because after just two they tend to make you a little weak in the knees.
We’re planning for a quiet New Years celebration with Chinese food, two glasses, and a bottle of good champagne. After that good meal we’ll settle in for some of the celebrations scheduled on the always helpful television. Watch the ball drop, get a long and mushy kiss, drink some champagne and slide quietly into bed. The better-half works early the next morning so we can’t really make a late night of it.
If you’re driving or going out for the evening be sure to bring along a good designated driver or hire a limo but by all means be safe. Start the new year off properly without any DUI’s, accidents, or worse.
HAPPY 2015
Today’s the day that I began my yearly chore of putting together my list of New Year’s resolutions. I realize that for most people New Year’s resolutions aren’t taken all that seriously and that over the years they’ve become something meant to be humorous. In my righteous attempt to do it seriously this year I decided to search the Net for any new ideas or tips that could help me. Amazingly, I found quite a number of websites with prewritten lists made for both children and adults. I guess they think that just printing off the list from their webpage gives some kind of credibility to people who are too lazy to take the time to do it properly. Shame on all of you who decided to take the easy way out and use one of those sites.
Here’s one of those lists suggested for younger children and you can decide just how lame it is or isn’t. Or better, would you want your kids to use this list or make up their own.
-
I will do my homework in time.
-
I will sleep in time.
-
I will drink milk and water, and limit aerated drinks.
-
I’ll never give out personal information such as my name, home address, school name or telephone number on the Internet or to strangers.
-
I’ll be nice to other kids. I’ll be friendly to kids who need friends – like someone who is shy, or is new to my school.
-
I will wear my seat belt every time I get in a car. I’ll sit in the back seat and use a booster seat until I am tall enough to use a lap/shoulder seat belt.
-
I will apply sunscreen before I go outdoors.
-
I will try to stay in the shade whenever possible and wear a hat and sunglasses, especially when I’m playing sports.
-
I will try to find a sport (like basketball or soccer) or an activity (skipping rope, dancing or horse riding) that I like and do it at least three times a week!
You have to admit this list is no more than politically correct nonsense. You may be able to force your kids to accept this list as their own but their heart just wouldn’t be in it. I continued my search looking for more resolutions that applied mainly to adults and found much more of the same. Premade politically correct BS which didn’t help me at all. I then sat down at my desk and put together this list of humorous adult resolutions found at another such site.
1. This year, I’m just making one New Year’s resolution: Stop making resolutions. My only other resolution is to quit breaking my resolutions.
2. I probably shouldn’t be making any new resolutions this year…mainly because I’m still working on the ones from last year.
3. This year my New Year’s resolution was to stop saying ‘Seacrest out!’ after I ejaculated.
4. I will stop peeping into my boyfriend’s female friends profile on Facebook.
Again I was disappointed. The adult resolutions while trying to be humorous were even more stupid than I’d expected. I was forced to go to the archives once more and find my posted resolutions for 2013. I was expecting no surprises because I couldn’t remember a single one of them. Here they are with the results of my efforts of which I’m truly ashamed.
1. Don’t wear sweat pants outside the confines of the house less than twice a week (demanded by my better-half). FAILED
2. Pay less than $75.00 a month at Dunkin Donuts. I failed at the $50.00 level, now I’ll just up the monthly amount and hopefully be successful. COMPLETED
3. Tell my better-half I love her at least twenty times a day (again her idea). FAILED
4. Attempt to develop a casual and platonic friendship with my weird neighbors. FAILED
5. Convince my better-half that pizza is not an official food group and refuse to eat it more than once a week. FAILED
6. Don’t call the President a stupid, effing, liberal, socialist, narcissistic A-hole more than twenty times a week. FAILED
7. Read 3 non-fiction and 3 fiction books a month. COMPLETED
8. Fire at least 1000 rounds of ammo a quarter to fine tune my shooting skills to prepare for the impending anarchism which will follow. FAILED
9. Take a vacation to some exotic and strange non-American land (like maybe Boston, New York, San Francisco, or LA). FAILED
10. Refuse to eat dog food more than three times a month to help pay for my mandated Obamacare taxes. COMPLETED
It appears that my accomplishments for 2013 were an abject failure. The fact that I couldn’t remember any of them leads me to believe that in my attempt at humor I cheapened the New Year’s resolution process. What I’m about to show you is NOT, I repeat NOT the final version of my resolutions for 2014. This is just a draft list with my initial thoughts on the matter and I’m sure some changes may be required. See what you think about these.
(Draft Only)
1. Start washing my hands after I use the restroom or just stop peeing on my hands.
2. Stop licking almost everything (well almost everything).
3. Never eat yellow snow or brown asparagus (for you lovey).
4. Spend less than $1000.00 for coffee at Dunkin Donuts this year.
5. Claim my pet as a dependent on my tax return.
6. Start smoking to lose weight.
7. Watch less T.V…. in standard definition.
8. Buy larger clothes.
9. Help kids stay safe by not texting on my cell phone while driving near crosswalks.
10. Stop buttering my doughnuts.
Well there you have it, my first thoughts on the subject for 2014. I certainly need to give it a little more thought as you can see. If you really think about it though, it just makes good sense to have fewer resolutions every year. It helps to keep you from disappointing yourself too much and you’ll then feel less guilty about how little willpower you really have. Hopefully I’ll have my final version completed prior to New Year’s Eve which will give me one more thing to celebrate.
With New Years Eve on the horizon a decision has to be made as to how we’ll be celebrating it. The days of drunken carousing have long since passed for us both but those their memories are still nice to have. Each year I scratch my head about what we should do and then we end up procrastinating and doing nothing at all. Over the next few days I’m sure to have a discussion or two with my better-half on what she thinks we should do. I’m already preparing myself for that discussion by gathering information to help my cause.
I’m going to argue as eloquently as I can that dinner, a couple of chick flicks, and a visit from her daughter and grandson isn’t going to get it done this year. I’d like to have a few friends over for drinks, food, games, movies, or whatever. If they drink too much we’ll turn the house into a B & B for the night and I’ll cook breakfast for the survivors in the morning. The chances of getting my way are about 60/40 if I’m lucky.
We have a few days left before the big day so I’ll have to be my sneaky self and start planning my secret mission. Subtle hints about not being alone for New Years. Casual questions about how some of our friends are celebrating the holiday and a few “Oh, that sounds so boring, I feel bad for them”. More subtle questions about how lonely some of our friends will be with their children off celebrating elsewhere. I’ll drop a few coupons around the house from the Party Place filled with money-saving offers for stupid party hats and noise makers. Then I’ll dig into my bag of fireworks hidden on the porch and leave a few laying around where they’ll be noticed. Then I’ll let all of those things start to mix and mingle in her pretty little head and Ta Da . . . . we’ll have a New Years party and it’ll be her idea.
Pretty damn cool if I do say so myself. I’m sure she won’t be able to resist coupons. She’s a grade A shopaholic with a serious need to use every coupon she ever sees. It’s like hooking a big fish and then just reeling it in. I have a hidden stash of coupons for all occasions and places and I’m telling you they’ll accomplish more for me than they’d ever do for her. Sneaky, sneaky, sneaky!
The campaign begins this afternoon when she arrives home from work. I’ll be sure to report the results.
everyuselessthing.com 