Now that Labor Day has come and gone, we can all kick back, relax, and wait for the Fall foliage, then snow, and of course the string of holidays: Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hanukah, Christmas, New Years Eve and finally New Years Day. I’m exhausted already from just listing them all. Maybe I’m overdue for a two-month vacation to any remote island filled with topless native girls, beach feasts, and lots of grog and margaritas. But since that’s not happening how about we kick off the Fall season with a few “G” rated limericks.
I’m not what anyone would consider a rabid sports fan. I love the NFL and the Pittsburgh Steelers, but I still can’t sit for three hours to watch a game filled with constant annoying commercials. I now rely on Facebook to supply me with recaps on Monday morning. I was for many years a huge fan of the Pittsburgh Pirates but that eventually faded away due to an organization afraid to spend money on exceptional players. They seem to have improved in this area this year, but I’ve been fooled before . . . so color me skeptical. One thing I’ve always loved even more than sports was any good limerick. I searched out a few samples about sports and I found them to be just as enjoyable as any sports event on television.
I was perusing through my library this morning when I accidentally tripped and fell back into the 1980’s once again. It always amazes me just how different the sense of humor in the 1980’s compares to now. With that thought in mind I hope you enjoy these little pearls of humor. Cmon, yuck it up a little.
What’s the difference between a gynecologist and a proctologist? Their point of view.
What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste.
Why in the traditional wedding picture is the groom in a chair and the bride is standing? Because he’s too tired to get up, and she’s too sore to sit down!
What’s worse than picking up the soap in an Army shower? Playing leapfrog in the Greek Navy.
How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Four. One to screw it in, and three to discuss how it’s so much more gratifying than with a man!
What does the sign inside of whorehouse say? “No smoking! Use a lubricant!”
What’s a loud wet dream? A snorgasm!
What happens if a young couple mixes up their Vaseline and putty? All their windows fall out!
What’s the easiest way to get a date with a “10”? Ask out two “threes” and a “four!”
What do you get when you cross a donkey with a jar of peanut butter? A piece of ass that sticks to the roof of your mouth!
“The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.”
I thought I should lighten things up a bit since my last two posts were a wee bit negative. It always helps to clear some of that negativity with humor (especially off-color humor). Enjoy . . .
Q. What do bungee jumping, and prostitutes have in common? A. They both cost two hundred dollars and if the rubber breaks your screwed.
The young man has been dating his girlfriend for over a year, and so they decided to finally get married. His parents, family and friends helped him in every way possible. There was only one thing really bothering him, and that was his fiancée’s younger sister. She was twenty years old, and constantly wore extremely tight miniskirts and low-cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near him and he had many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day, little sister called and asked him to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when he got there and she whispered to him quietly that soon he was to be married, but she had feelings and desires for him that she couldn’t overcome. She told him that she wanted to make love to him just once before he got married and committed his life to her sister. He was in total shock and couldn’t say a word. She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me.” He was stunned as he watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her red panties and threw them down the stairs to him. He stood there for a moment, then turned around and ran for the front door. He opened the door, stepped out of the house. and ran straight towards his car. Without warning his future father-in-law was standing behind a shrub. With tears in his eyes, her father hugged him and said, “We are very happy that you’ve passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family son.” The moral of the story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car!
Q. What’s the difference between sin and shame? A. It’s a sin to put it in, but it’s a shame to pull it out.
Tarzan and Jane are preparing to make love for the first time, but Tarzan tell Jane that he doesn’t know how to do it. Jane says, “Look, it’s really very easy.” Tarzan tells her, “Tarzan usually does it in tree trunk hole”. Jane advises, “You’ve got it all wrong, you just stick it in this hole,” motioning to her crotch. Tarzan and Jane then get naked and Jane motions for Tarzan to put it in. Tarzan slowly walks over to Jane and kicks her very hard in her crotch. Jane, twitching with terrible pain, asks Tarzan, “What the hell was that for?” Tarzan says, “Tarzan checks for squirrels.“
Q. What has 100 balls and screws old ladies? A. Bingo!
Here we go again with another rainy and gray day. Spring really wants to make an appearance but for some reason she’s having difficulties. The sun shines brightly for 2 hours a day broken up into 15-minute segments. The problem then becomes when you have a “freezing your ass off” moment every time a cloud goes by. Truthfully Mother Nature is really starting to piss me off.
Now let me get back to the subject. A few months ago, I purchased a pile of old used books which appear to have once been library books. I have books from libraries all over the country. One in particular is a book of limericks (mostly clean) written by some well-known authors and celebrities. See what you think.
By: Lewis Carroll
His sister named Lucy O’Finner,
Grew constantly thinner and thinner,
The reason was plain,
She slipped out in the rain,
And was never allowed any dinner.
💥💥
By: Ogden Nash
It was an old man of Calcutta,
Who coated his tonsils with butta,
Thus, converting his snore
From a thunderous roar
To a soft, oleaginous mutta.
By: Oliver Wendell Holmes
The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
Called a hen a most elegant creature.
The Hen, pleased with that,
Laid an egg in his hat,
And thus did the hen reward Beecher.
💥💥
By: Rudyard Kipling
There was once a small boy in Québec
Stood buried in snow to his neck.
When asked: “Are you friz?”
He said: “Yes, I is,
“But we don’t call this cold in Québec.”
💥💥💥
As you can imagine I read hundreds of limericks a month but even I was taken by surprise when I read these four. Just goes to show you that even celebrated writers and authors have a real bitch of a time writing limericks. I’m sure that if of you took a few minutes, you could write better stuff than this. Only one of these four showed me something interesting and that was the one by Oliver Wendall Holmes. Read it carefully and see if you spot his clever efforts.
I’m feeling the need for some limericks today. I recently came across a book that I picked up at an on-line thrift bookstore and it was a former Boise Public Library book with a date of 2015. It’s a book of limericks written by children for children and some of them are priceless. With that in mind here are four that I particularly liked. I hope you will too.
I stumbled upon a book of limericks some months ago and finally took the time to read through it. Bear in mind that the writers of these limericks are now 57 years older, and many have sadly passed away. Let me bring a few of their limericks back to life if only for a moment for you to enjoy them. These are selections related to our loving pets and other lovable animals.
I think it’s likely that some of you may have gotten the wrong idea with the title I used for this post. Twisted in this context does not mean heavily sexual or bawdy. These limericks are written specifically for children, and they are a cross between limericks & tongue twisters. As a kid I loved tongue twisters and at a very early age whilst sitting through a number of sessions to correct a minor lisp I had, tongue twisters were one of the exercises that we were permitted to do to help us get control of our speech patterns. I know it sounds stupid, but it was even more stupid when you’re the one who was required to do it. Enjoy!
😊😊😊
She saw a seesaw at sea,
A shawl she was wearing, was she,
The sea shrank her shawl,
Till it shrank her shawl small,
To the seesaw she saw she said “Gee!”
😁😁😁
Louise is pleased by cheesy chicken squeezed with cheesy cheese,
Squeezy peasy chicken cheesy served to please Louise,
“To other chicken, phooey!
Even Chinese chicken suey,
More squeezy greasy peasy cheesy chicken, if you please!”
😋😋😋
Hannah from Havana grew bananas in Savanna,
A bonanza of bananas that had grown in her bandanna,
Well, it’s June! What better way to start a new month than with a Limerick Alert. I understand that many of the readers of this blog wait patiently for me to post limericks that are a bit more interesting and suggestive, but once again I’ll post this selection of limericks that are cute and funny and written primarily for and by children. For those of you who like your limericks with a bit more spice, I’m compiling a collection more to your liking that will be posted in a few weeks. These six will have to carry you through until then, so let’s get started. I also hope you’ll appreciate this first limerick because it’s the only limerick ever to use the word Nantucket without offending anyone.
It’s been quite a while since I posted a Limerick Alert due in part to my semi-invalid status these last few months. Now that I’ve been cleared by the doctors once again I can freely move around my residence without the need of a wheelchair, walker, or a cane. I feel like a new man even though I will have to learn how to walk properly all over again. These limericks are always humorous as they were written by children for children and they’re all extremely well done. These are rated G and are safe for children.
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