Archive for the ‘rated pg’ Tag
I’m trying desperately to remain cool here in my man-cave. Our house is not airconditioned so needless to say I’ve been spending most of my time in my cave which is so much cooler than the upper floors. I’ve located fans all around to help keep my computer system from overheating and it also helps to have a fridge nearby filled with cold beer, chilled wine, and icy cold water. I’ll remain here until the weather breaks or until hell freezes over, whichever comes first.
So, let me think. What could possibly make a hot and steamy day better? Hmm! Raunchy limericks immediately come to mind, and I intend to share a few with you.
Three cheers for the year “69”,
A year of erotic design.
It suggests a position
For oral coition,
Which suits nonvegetarians just fine.
💥ARE YOU FEELING COOLER YET? 💥
There was a young man from Ann Arbor
Whose cock was cut off by a barber.
In great consternation,
He said, “Masturbation
Will henceforth be very much harder.”
💥ITS GETTING FROSTY IN HERE! 💥
There was a young lady from Wheeling
Who professed to lack sexual feeling.
But a cynic named Boris
Just touched her clitoris,
And she had to be scraped from the ceiling.
💥WHERES MY PARKA AND GLOVES? 💥
A scientist from Russia named Adam
Took a pot shot at splitting the atom.
He blew off his penis,
And now, just between us,
Is known in the Kremlin as Madam.
😁🤪🙃😎🥰😂😏
WE’RE JUST TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL!
🍆🍩🍆🍩🍆🍩
I’ve always thought of myself as quite the romantic but unfortunately there weren’t many women who agreed. All you really can do is accept your failings and keep on trying. I admit that after hearing ‘you’re not very romantic” a dozen or more times I finally got the message. Unfortunately, I never seemed to get it right and after discussions with other men I discovered it was quite possible that I wasn’t the entire problem. I continued to stumble along like a kid in a candy store with no pennies in his pocket. These limericks are for all of those ladies (and I use the term loosely) that didn’t appreciate my hundreds of romantic moves. These beautiful poems are a little dated, but they all have important information concerning men and women involved in “Little Romances”.
I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda,
I was lewd, but my God! She was lewder.
She said it was crude
To be wooed in the nude
So, I pursued her, subdued her, and screwed her!
💖💖💖
There was a young lady of Arden,
The tool of whose swain wouldn’t harden.
Said she with a frown,
“I’ve been sadly let down
By the tool of a fool in a garden.”
💞💞💞
There was a young lady named Flynn
Who thought fornication a sin,
But when she was tight
It seemed quite all right,
So, everyone filled her with gin.
💝💝💝
There was a young man from Purdue
Who was only just learning to screw,
But he hadn’t the knack,
And he got too far back
In the right church, but the wrong pew.
💘💘💘
NEVER GIVE UP
It’s time for some limerick history. As you may be aware I collect limericks from all sorts of sources. Recently I purchased a few small used books from an online thrift bookstore. Buying books in bulk is always a risk but sometimes it pays off with pleasant surprises. Today’s limericks were published in a small inconsequential book of just sixty pages in 1960. It’s been 64 years since then and many of the limericks in the book were collected from even older sources. They are officially titled “Laundered Limericks” meaning many were cleaned of obscenities to get them printed but still contain some vulgarities. I’d probably rate some of these as PG but that’s for you readers to decide.
An old maid in the land of Aloha
Got wrapped in the coils of a boa.
And as the snake squeezed
The maid, not displeased,
Cried, “Darling! I love it! Samoa!”
🙃🙃🙃
There was a young lady named Gloria
Who was screwed by Sir Oswald Du Maurier,
And then by six men,
Sir Oswald again,
And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.
😎😎😎
There once was a man of high station
Who was found by a pious relation,
Making love on the floor,
To – I won’t say a whore,
But a lady of poor reputation.
😉😉😉
A remarkable race are the Persians,
They have such peculiar diversions.
They make love all day
In the regular way
And all night they practice perversions.
🤪🤪🤪
GOTTA LUV THEM 60’S
Since my recent post of off-color limericks was so popular I thought I’d offer up a few more cute but nonetheless dirty jokes. I guess I should have figured out by now that I’ve got to “give the people what they want.” A few dirty jokes to help you continue the celebration of this important holiday.
Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A. When his hand caught on fire.
A woman answers the door to a market researcher. “Good morning, madam, I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it at all in your household?” “Oh yes, all the time. It’s very good for cuts, scrapes, and burns.” “Do you use it for anything else?” “Like what”, she asked. “Ahem. . well, during. . ahem. . sex.” “Oh, of course. Yes, I smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep my husband out.
Men are like parking spots: The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.
A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband’s best friend. They have sex for hours, and afterward while they’re just lying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman’s house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation (she is speaking in a cheery voice). “Hello? Oh, hi, I’m so glad you called. Really? Thanks. Okay. Bye.” She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, “Who was that?” Oh,” she replies, “that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”
Q. What’s better than a rose on your piano?
A. Tulips on your organ.
EVERYDAY CELEBRATE OUR VETS,
BOTH LIVING AND DEAD
It’s sunny outside. I’m not quite sure how it happened but it’s an effing miracle. I’m sitting here basking in the sun as I read through some of the thousands of limericks I have on file. Today’s limericks are not for the youngsters or those overly sensitive and chaste virgins. They were apparently written in the early 1980’s when an off-color sense of human was more acceptable. For a change these are a little bawdy but in a cute and funny way and I hope you enjoy them.
💥💥💥
An obese old broker named Kip
Took a very fat girl on a trip.
He was talking of stock
When he put in his cock.
At the end she said: “Thanks for the tip.”
🤪🤪🤪
There was a young lady from Ghent,
Who said she knew what it meant,
When a man asked her to dine,
Fed her whiskey and wine.
She knew what it meant – but she went.
😎😎😎
There was a young lecher named Lapp,
Who thought condoms were just so much crap.
Said he: “All of us he-men
Like to scatter our semen.”
Three weeks later he still had the clap.
🙃🙃🙃
A virgin emerged from her bath
In a state of righteous wrath,
For she’d been deflowered
When she bent over as she showered,
And the handle was right in the path.
💥💥💥
RATED PG
(Thanks Ray Allen Billington)
After my raucous celebration of Earth Day, I thought a little humor would improve my morning. It’s only right that if I’m having a good morning, I should pass along some of that goodness to you. Here’s a short joke to start things off.
Q. What are the three words men hate to hear during sex? “Are you done?”
Q. What are the three words women hate to hear during sex? “Honey, I’m home.”
I thoroughly enjoyed this joke which made me laugh out loud when I read it. Who doesn’t love sheep?
🐏🐏🐏
A new farmer buys several sheep hoping to breed them. After several weeks he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant and calls a local vet for some help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn’t have the slightest idea what that means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into the back of his truck, drives them out into the woods, screws them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
In the morning, he wakes up and looks out at the sheep. Seeing as they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn’t take and again loads them into the truck. He drives them out to the woods, screws each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back home and goes to bed.
The next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still standing around. Out of frustration he again proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day sheep screwing, and upon returning home falls totally exhausted into bed.
Morning arrives and he can’t even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if any of the sheep are lying in the grass.
“No”, she says, “they’re all in the truck and one of them is beeping the horn.”
KEEP SMILING PERVERTS
A young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They first went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, she seemed somewhat bored. “What would you like to do next?” he asked. “I want to be weighed,” she said. So, the young man took her over to the weight guesser. “112 lbs,” said the man at the scale, and he was obviously right. Next, they took a ride on the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then asked what else she would like to do. “I want to be weighed,” she said again. I really latched onto an odd one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse that he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. The girl’s mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, “What’s wrong, dear, didn’t you have a nice time tonight?” “It was “Wousy,” said the girl.
Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.
When Ralph first noticed his penis was growing longer and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. After several weeks his penis had grown to twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned as he was having problems dressing and even walking. So, he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph’s condition could be fixed with corrective surgery. “How long will Ralph be on crutches?” the wife asked anxiously. “Crutches? Why would he need crutches?” responded the doctor. “Well,” said Ralph’s wife coldly, “you are going to lengthen his legs, aren’t you?”
Q. What’s the difference between a lesbian and a Fritz cracker?
A. One’s a snack cracker, and the others a crack snacker!
I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY . . .
AND MAYBE A LITTLE NAKED AS WELL
It’s another gray and rainy day here in Maine. We had a bit of sunshine yesterday and I had my first hour of deck time without freezing my ass off. But unfortunately, today things have returned to what is normal for March. I just needed something today to make me smile and these jokes were just what the doctor ordered so I thought I’d share them with you.
😁😁😁
A trucker had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill and was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and woman lying naked in the center of the road, making love. He blew his horn several times as he was bearing down on them. Realizing that they were not about to get out of his way, he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them. Getting out of the truck, madder than hell, the trucker walked up to the two, still in the road, and yelled, “What the hell’s the matter with you two? Didn’t you hear me blowing my horn? You could’ve been killed!” The man on lying on the highway, obviously satisfied and unconcerned, looked up and said, “Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes.”
😹😹😹
Q. How do you get four old ladies to shout “Fuck”?
A. Get a fifth old lady to shout “Bingo”.
🤪🤪🤪
The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent heart attack. When the squad got there it was too late because the man had died. While consoling the wife, one of the rescuers noticed that their bed was a mess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack. The lady calmly replied, “Well, we were in bed making love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing around the bed, panting, and sweating. I thought he was coming, but I guess he was going.”
😂😂😂
Q. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
A. Put a nipple on it.
😉😉😉
Two guys are camping. They are having a little conversation, when all of a sudden one guy yells, “I just got bitten by a snake on the tip of my penis.” The other guy says, “Don’t worry, I’ll go into town and ask a doctor what to do.” So, the guy goes to the nearest town and after 30 minutes finds a doctor. He asks the doctor, “Doctor, my friend just got bitten by a snake. What should I do?” The doctor says, “All you have to do is suck the poison out.” So, the friend returns to the campsite where his friend is lying on the ground whimpering. He asks, “So what did the doctor say?” The friend says, “I’m sorry but the doctor says you’re going to die!
🙂🙂🙂
Q. What’s the ultimate rejection?
A. When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
*****
HAVE A CHUCKLE OR TWO
Today I’d like to talk about virgins and virginity. Whether we like it or not there aren’t as many virgins available as there once were. Back in the day virginity was prized by almost everyone but I think those days have passed us by forever. I’m reminded of a joke I heard a few years ago that the only virgins left were “ugly third graders”. It was funny at the time but the more I thought about it the more unfunny it became. I’ve been around a very long time and my experience with virgins is damn near nonexistent. With the advent of “soaking” (thanks to those devote Mormons), I’m not entirely sure if the term virginity even applies anymore. Since I admittedly have no clue about virginity, I thought I’d revert to my library for some soulful inspiration. My first choice when diving into my library is always limericks. Here are four limericks concerning virginity or the lack thereof. Enjoy!
💥
There was a young fellow named Biddle
Whose girl had to teach him to fiddle.
She grabbed hold of his bow
And said, “If you want to know,
You can try parting my hair in the middle.”
💥💥
There was a young virgin of Dover
Who was screwed in the woods by a drover.
When the going got hard
He greased her with lard,
Which felt nice, so they started all over.
💥💥💥
There was a young girl from Hoboken
Who claimed that her hymen was broken
From riding a bike
On a cobblestone pike,
But it really was broken from pokin’.
💥💥💥💥
There was a young girl named McKnight
Who got drunk with her boyfriend one night.
She came to in bed
With a split maidenhead –
That’s the last time she ever was tight.
THANKS TO RONALD STANZA
As anyone who reads this blog knows I love limericks. I love the mild ones written by kids and for kids, the medium ones for many of the limerick loving adults who shy away from many of the naughtier limericks, and occasionally I get in the mood to post something a little raunchier. My favorite limerick writer has always been Isaac Azimov but one of his close friends deserved an honorable mention today. That friend was John Ciardi who for 16 years was the poetry editor for the Saturday Review and his translation of The Divine Comedy is still considered a classic. Sadly, he passed away in 1986 but his works and love of limericks lives on. Enjoy.
There once was a girl who intended
To keep herself morally splendid
And ascend unto glory,
Which is not a bad story
Except that that’s not how it ended.
🤣🤣🤣
There was a promoter named Hugh,
Who promoted a dance called The Screw.
Disco by disco
From New York to Frisco
He made it the in-thing to do.
😎😎😎
There was a young lady named Mame,
Whose parents believed it a shame
To reject all the beaus
Who came round to propose.
But she didn’t. That’s not why they came.
😏😏😏
My professor of sex claimed he knew
A hundred and one things to do.
My girlfriend ain’t much
At book learning, as such,
But she knows at least a hundred and two.
💩💩💩
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