Archive for June 2013
As you already know I really love passing on my never-ending lists of totally useless crap to my readers. I hope it helps make all of you moderately good Trivial Pursuit players as well as the winner of many a bar wager. I thought I’d take a somewhat different approach this time and make things a bit more interesting.
Usually I just supply the facts for you to enjoy but not today. I had a few readers give me some grief recently about never having any interesting facts from the music sector. The following ten questions need answered and it’s up to each of you to provide them. Are you up for the challenge? Even if you’re a true musical aficionado these music related questions should challenge even you. I’ll supply the answers tomorrow so let’s see just how good your trivia skills really are.
1. In 1926, the police raided Mae West Broadway show ‘Sex’ and jailed her on vice charges. What did the wisecracking blonde sexpot claim when she was freed after serving 8 days of her 10 day sentence?
2. Who was the first person ever awarded a gold record?
3. What singer named Clara Ann Fowler at birth adopted the name of the milk company that sponsored her first radio show?
4. What famous entertainer was known as Annie Mae Bullock before she adopted her stage name?
5. The singing duo of Caesar and Cleo only achieved fame under another name. What was it?
6. Country music comedienne, Minnie Pearl, always wore a hat with a price tag on it when she performed. What was the amount written on the price tag?
7. Who was the only cast member of the hit rock musical ‘Hair’ who refused to shed her clothes in the nude closing number?
8. What top rock group took it’s name from a song by blues great Muddy Waters?
9. Under what name did New Wave singer-songwriter Declan McManus gain fame?
10. What famous singer, after receiving an honorary degree from Georgetown University, enrolled as a freshman and earned a BA in Theology?
I told you they weren’t easy. I’m guessing anyone who scores more than five correct answers really knows their stuff. Check back tomorrow for the answers. I think you’ll find them interesting.
I guess I need to apologize for the short and uninformative posting yesterday. My state of mind was kind of like a weather report on the evening news: Higher temperatures expected this evening with intermittent diarrhea and vomiting. Tomorrow’s forecast looks much better with lower temperatures and calm and clear conditions (I hope).
My better-half has accused me in the past of being a cynical SOB who is skeptical about everyone and everything. I have to agree with her to a point but I prefer the term pragmatic which sounds a little better. With that in mind I’m trying to look at this bout of flu or virus from a different perspective. I’ll pretend to be the optimistic and happy-go-lucky kind of guy my better-half wishes me to be.
Here goes. For most of the day I was in and out of sleep and running a fairly high temperature. I was dreaming and conscious most of the time but not really making much sense of things. As bad as I felt I found that special something that my better-half has been preaching to me about. I’m happy, proud, and honored to announce that I spent some quality time in a classroom with Sir Isaac Newton. His hair was a little strange looking but the conversation was educational and informative. I won’t go into specifics because they’re still a little fuzzy and hard to remember. Dreams are like like.
The second good thing about this illness was a little harder to discover but being the new and improved optimistic SOB I’ve become I finally figured it out. Weight loss. I’ve lost close to six pounds in less than three days and I didn’t have to hit the gym or participate in any physical activity. That’s a true statement if you don’t consider projectile vomiting a form of exercise. I know I sure don’t.
So, excellent and historically incorrect dreams along with a six pound weight loss. It really can’t get much better than that says my better-half. I hate to burst her rose-colored-glasses bubble but I have no choice. As much as I like meeting a long dead scientist and losing six pounds of ugly fat, it still wasn’t worth it. In my humble opinion being optimistic is highly overrated. I plan on staying just the way I am and the hell with Isaac Newton, a few pounds of weight loss, and my ever so optimistic better-half.
The morale of the story is simple: "Being sick sucks!"
This is going to be a very short posting due to this stomach virus I happened to catch from one of my ever loving family members. Between bouts of projectile vomiting I’m trying to write this so it makes some sense.
I wish I could pinpoint the person who infected me and you can be sure on one thing, revenge will be sweet, I promise.
I’m about a month away from completing my fifth year of retirement. I think a celebration of sorts is called for because this has been one of the most difficult transitions I’ve ever had to make.
I’ve always been someone who readily adapted to change. I’ve lived in many places over the years as required by my jobs and I worked my way up the corporate ladder twice with two different national companies. I had hopes of a great retirement and pension but unfortunately both companies were purchased by other companies and neither survived that purchase. You adjust because you must. When there is no choice at all you pick yourself up and get back to work.
Fortunately that was one of the things my father made sure I had. I had no fear of hard work and I also had a killer work ethic. I worked my ass off for thirty years, 6 days a week, tons of travel, and change, change, change. I started three business over the years and had reasonable successes with two and failed miserably in the third. Shut up, get up, and keep on keeping on.
Making the change to early retirement was something I never thought I would get to do. I’d already excepted the fact that I’d be working until they found me slumped at my desk or in my car. As in all things timing is everything. After the failure of my two most important employers I took a public service position with the State of Maine. My fear of having another company hire me and then fail had sent me there. Whoever heard of a State going bankrupt?
The State of Maine surprised me a little. They didn’t go bankrupt but they did call me in to tell me my work load was going to increase by 30% without a comparable wage increase. I received a confidential call a short time later from a friend in the state capital who told me my position was on the chopping within two months. I had no choice and was lucky enough to be able take early retirement before the axe fell. Hooray for me right?
Making the transition from workaholic to retiree was the worst. I made the change immediately by giving Goodwill all of my suits, shirts, ties, and dress shoes. I threw away my wrist watch because it was no longer something I needed. It took at least eighteen months to find a comfortable rhythm for my life and to end the depression I was suffering with.
I hate making this sound like a sad story because it isn’t. I’m retired for God’s sake. How can I possibly be whining? I found these quotes recently that just made me laugh not because they’re all that funny but because they’re all so true. My sense of humor has gotten through a lot of change and it’s things like these quotes that really help.
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The money is no better in retirement but the hours are! — Author Unknown
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"According to your latest data if you retire today, you can live reasonably well until 5 p.m. tomorrow."— Dave Erhard
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My retirement plan is to find a shopping cart with good snow tires.
— Patty Doyle
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‘The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.’ Anonymous
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‘When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch.’ R C Sherriff.
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‘It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.’ Scott Elledge.
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‘There’s one thing I always wanted to do before I quit…retire!’ Groucho Marx
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Retirement kills more people than hard work ever did – Malcolm Forbes
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Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did – Robert Benchley
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What do gardeners do when they retire? – Bob Monkhouse
I love being retired. It gives a lot of freedom to do all those things I said I was going to do but never did. I spend most of my time concerned with the care and feeding of my better-half who is still caught up in the rat race. I try to be her stress reliever and to keep her as happy as I can. I may bitch and complain about a lot of things but my life is good. I’m what my Dad used to describe as, “fat (not too much), dumb, and happy”.
Today was all about relaxing. My better-half and I decided to just take the day, go where we please, relax a little, and we did just that. We had a great breakfast at home and then headed for the coast to snap some pictures. As expected traffic was heavier than usual with the influx of tourist beginning to increase. The summer season is almost upon us.
Our first stop was the Portland Head Light which is a light house on a point of land at the entry to Portland harbor. This is a favorite spot for tourists from all over the country if the license plates we saw today were any indication. My luck much be changing because just as we drove past the main entrance someone pulled out and left me the best damn parking spot you can get. We took plenty of pictures, spent some time in the gift shop, and then near the water watching the boats come and go. It’s a very relaxing place and the adjacent park was filled with kids and parents flying kits, throwing Frisbees, and playing ball. It was very nice.
We then left the park and drove through the suburbs of Portland and headed northwest out of the city. We drove at least a hundred miles in a large circle covering a large portion of southern Maine. We stopped to shop in a number of antique shops because I was hot to buy something today. Unfortunately for me my better-half was not. We saw many really cool things but ended up buying nothing at all. I found a working Dictaphone circa 1865 with a number of wax cylinders still intact and workable. It was in beautiful condition and I had a hard time walking away from it. For $150.00 it could have been all mine. It still may be mine. My better-half returns to wok tomorrow which may force me drive back to that shop and make the purchase anyway. Should I or shouldn’t I? I’ll know tomorrow when I get out of bed.
We had a great day together and it gave us a chance to reconnect after a few weeks of her hectic work schedule. We antiqued a little and then stopped along the road to see some lambs and take their pictures. I also got some great shots of my better-half chasing a flock of turkeys through a farmers field trying to snap pictures while running. It was really funny and I’ve got it all on my camera to be used later to embarrass her. Life is good.
We returned home tired but relaxed. She’s back to work tomorrow where the stress will start working on her all over again. Since this was my official Fathers Day celebration I was happy as I could be. Steaks on the grill later, a nice glass of wine or two, and hopefully a restful nights sleep afterwards. If you get my drift.
Today started out as a day to just lay back and take it easy. That’s usually an easy thing to do if you don’t leave the house. Once I’m out and about and see other people then my mind starts working overtime and sometimes not in a good way. I love people watching but they just make it so easy for me to criticize them.
I was heading to my bank for a little cash retrieval which should have been no big deal. I pull in line behind one vehicle and made the incorrect assumption I’d be on my way fairly quickly. Not a freaking prayer. I’m waiting and waiting and not moving. I open my door and what do I see? There’s a homeless guy standing at the drive-thru ATM getting some cash to carry him over for a few hours or maybe a few drinks. If you’ve got an account with money in it at BOA why are you homeless. I’ve seen that same dude every time I drive through this town standing at the side of the road at a main intersection begging for cans. It’s entirely possible he’s making more goddamn money than I am and he too has an account at Bank of America.
My better-half insisted after the ATM fiasco that we make a short visit to a local flea market. If she doesn’t buy at least one thing every day she goes into a weird shopper’s withdrawal. The flea market in question is well known for having some of the highest “bargain” prices in southern Maine.
We arrived there and the place is crawling with tourists. We got lucky and found a decent parking spot and then the fun began. I never know what I might buy in places like this until I see it and so I spent the next hour diligently looking through mountains of so called antiques (junk) with nothing catching my eye. I did notice one thing though. The prices for this crap were through the roof. I think we can thank those oh so popular American Pickers and the dozens of other TV programs that have convinced America that every piece of crap more than ten years old is a valuable treasure. Thanks for nothing TV.
I saw one item of interest which was four inches high and maybe three inches square, a hard carved wooded block. It was filthy dirty and had no price tag which is not a good sign. If there’s no tag it means the seller first checks out the potential buyer and charges them a price he thinks they can afford. I politely asked for the price and the guy tells me $80.00. I could only stand there until the shock wore off. I guess my comment" “you’ve got to be freaking kidding me” made him a little unhappy. He then proceeds to tell me that he purchased that exact piece for $400.00 in Kenya three years ago and has the paperwork to prove it. I then asked what the exchange rate was with Kenya at the time. Probably $200.00 Kenyan dollars for each American dollar. I just laughed and walked away with him chattering in the background.
That’s two hours out of my life I’ll never get back. It’s also the last time I’ll be visiting that place. I feel for those stupid and gullible tourists from all over the country being bamboozled into buying this junk for outrageous prices. Like P. T. Barnum always liked to say “there’s one born every minute”.
As I’ve lived my somewhat interesting life I’ve noticed a few things. The constant stream of insults and insensitive comments made by both men and women about each other is one of the most puzzling. Every guy I’ve known has done it at times as do most women. My mother and father did it for sixty years to each other, sometimes jokingly and other times not so much. It makes no sense that we do these things to each other but we do.
Since I’ve been old enough to be called a man I’ve had any number of women repeat certain statements to me, "You men are all the same.", “That’s really stupid, it must be a man thing.” For both men and women it appears that this behavior has been passed down from past generations to us. Nothing irritates me more than broad-brush generalities used to denigrate large groups of people. I know it would really tick off my better-half if If I made caustic comments about women but even saying that hasn’t stopped it from happening between us on occasion.
These tendencies are used as a last resort in most arguments to help us put each other on the defensive. I hope that it’s just a way of garnering attention and not what is actually believed. Here are twelve quotes, bumper stickers, jokes, and anonymous sayings from many and varied females about men.
Women on Men
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"Boobs are the proof that men can focus on 2 things at once."
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"Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you." — Mae West
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"Any woman that thinks the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high."
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"Men only have two faults: Everything they say and everything they do."
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"Outside every thin woman is a fat man trying to get in." — Katherine Whitehorn.
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"Husbands are like fires; they go out when unattended." — Zsa Zsa Gabor.
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"There’s nothing like a girl with a plunging neckline to keep a man on his toes."
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"A woman can fake an orgasm, but it takes a man to fake an entire relationship."
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"Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all."
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"A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car." — Carrie Snow.
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"Most men would never get laid if it weren’t for the pity fuck."
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"War is menstruation envy."
Women can be cruel in their humor but I must force myself to be fair in this discussion. Men are just as bad and like women they do it more when they’re in groups. It’s like a bonding requirement for both sexes within their specific gender groups. So, let’s all agree that men are just as bad as women and to prove that point here are twelve perfect examples.
Men on Women
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"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible." — P. J. O’Rourke.
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"We have drugs to make women speak, but none to keep them silent." — Anatole France.
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"Do you know why they call it PMS ? Because Mad Cow Disease was taken." — Unknown
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"Brigands will demand your money or your life, but a woman will demand both." — Samuel Butler.
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"When a guy goes to a hooker, he’s not paying her for sex, he’s paying her to leave."
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"Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex."
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"I’ve finally found the perfect girl, I couldn’t ask for more. She’s deaf and dumb and over-sexed. And owns a liquor store."
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"Here’s to our wives and sweethearts — may they never meet." — John Bunny.
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"An 11 is a 10 who doesn’t have headaches."
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"Girls are like rocks; you skip the flat ones."
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"God created the orgasm so that women can moan even when they are happy."
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"I have always dreamed of being in bed with a hot woman. Little did I know I would have to wait until she reached menopause." — Lee Entrekin.
With all of this going on with both sexes it’s a miracle that the human race hasn’t gone extinct before now. It’s the ultimate love/hate relationship. Maybe it’s just the ultimate genetic push for women to procreate that over rides their general disdain for the men needed to make it happen. Maybe it’s the incredible pleasure women can offer men to help them overcome their issues with the female gender. Who knows for sure, certainly not me.
Will the day ever come when the bickering and sarcasm will stop. I’d have to say "no way". Maybe it takes more passion than I first thought to prompt all of the stressful name calling, jokes, and sarcasm. Passion apparently trumps everything and allows the sexes a few moment of intense pleasure together long enough to keep the human race in existence.
War is hell.
Today I intended to further explore the use of the English language where names are concerned by talking about nicknames we humans insist on giving to our private parts. The list of nicknames is endless but the main body parts targeted normally for nicknames are the vagina, penis, and occasionally the breasts. As a kid (age 7-11) and before my sex life truly existed my friends and I had already named our penises. I have no idea why we did but it could have been as simple a reason as "because it was there". Our fascination with our penises was intense at that age because if you must know it was the center of our young universe. Unfortunately it still is.
Our little group of five perverts constantly discussed those things that were most important to us; our penises, girls, and that greatest mystery of all, sexual intercourse. We almost declared a national holiday when our buddy Frank reported at one of our private meetings in our secret hidden club house that he had what we later found out was his first orgasm. He explained in great detail just what he’d done and how it felt. We were all astounded by his description of the feelings he had but were somewhat confused by his report that nothing came out of his penis when he came. We’d been told by the experts (our older friends) that there would be sperm. That discussion went on for another six months as were tried to figure out what Frank had done wrong.
Eventually we were called to an emergency meeting at the clubhouse when Frank finally reported that some “white stuff” had finally appeared after he masturbated. We did everything but declare him king of the effing world. We put him through the third degree until we were all satisfied he was giving us the absolute truth.
You should also know that during the next few months we were all diligently practicing in the privacy of our homes trying to duplicate what Frank was reporting. Shortly after his report on the "white stuff" we as a group demanded he show us specifically how he did it. We retired to his house and the five of us squeezed into his little bathroom where he began his demonstration. He used a little soap on his hands and began to furiously masturbate. He kept saying he was almost there as we waited patiently. The mood was immediately broken when his mother threw the door open and caught him in the act and all of us watching. Many of you can talk about your most awkward moments but this one was by far my worst. My second worst moment was when I got home to find out that Frank’s mom had ratted us all out. My mother was not happy.
Frank practically tore his penis off trying to put it away. His poor mother was probably never quite the same again either. Needless to say it took years before any of us could look her in the eye without turning a bright crimson. We all learned two valuable lessons that fateful day. One, soap is our friend and two, lock the freaking door.
We learned never to do anymore sexual exploring at anyone’s home. We confined our discussions and demonstrations to our club house where all of the best reading material (skin mags) was available for our use. Later on as we grew more curious we invited one or two of the neighborhood girls to the club house for a few games of "show and tell". There was no sexual activity just a very clinical study of their genitals and their study of ours. It was around that time that my penis received his first nickname, I called him "Charlie".
I have to admit that years later after my sex life had been firmly established Charlie’s nicknames became much more interesting. Charlie became confused at times because he was forced to suffer through a long list of really tacky names that he really didn’t care for. I never told any of my female sex partners that all of those silly name they insisted on calling him meant nothing to him or to me. His real name was and always will be Charlie and all the sexual attention in the world from them and their vaginas could never change that.
I was thinking about listing a number of the more common genital nicknames in this posting but I thought this story would be more poignant and informative than a cold and unemotional list. Besides you men out there already know the most common nicknames currently in use. Unfortunately you women out there only think you know your man’s actual name for his penis.
I’m a huge fan of the English language and I can honestly say I’m as surprised as anyone that I would or could ever say that and mean it. In high school and college I avoided English courses of any kind when possible. As the years passed I gained a real appreciation and love for the language and it’s many humorous uses.
I learned along the way that some people’s sense of humor was instrumental in how they named their children, their businesses, and even their pets. At times I really wondered what was going through the minds of parents who stuck their children with names that would haunt them for the rest of their lives. Was it just humor or were they intentionally being mean and nasty? Here are a few paragraphs of actual names of actual people who probably aren’t all that happy with their parent’s choices. As you’ll notice there are even a few celebrities included.
Al Dente, Anita Bath, Anne Teek, Armand Hammer, Art Major, Bud Light, Dick Head, Dick Trickle, Donald Duck, Frank Enstein, Gene Poole, Harry Sachs, Jim Shorts, Justin Case, Lewis N. Clark, Marshall Law, Mike Hunt, Mike Rotch, Myles Long, Olive Branch, Paige Turner, Peg Legge, and Polly Ester.
You just can’t make this stuff up. If I was saddled with any of these names I would have never forgiven my parents. Let’s continue with a few more.
Ray Gunn, Rick Shaw, Rip Torn, Rod N. Reel, Sal Minella, Seymour Bush, Shanda Lear, Sue Flay, Tanya Hyde, Tess Steckle, Virginia Breach, Wanda Hickey, Warren Peace, Will Power, Will Wynn, Willie Leak, and Willie Stroker.
As bad as some of these names are many people when starting a business do everything in their power to give it a name that will catch the attention of possible new customers. Here are a few names of drinking establishments that will do just that and no I haven’t visited them all.
The Ram Inn, The Happy Medium, Drunken Duck, The Elusive Camel, The Hung Drawn And Quartered, Spread Eagle, Dirty Dick’s, and Filthy Mc Nasty’s.
There is no end to the games that can be played with the English language and of course why would I not mention the ability of some of our illustrious strippers who use names that might just increase interest in their many and abundant assets.
Dixie Normas, July Raine, Skyy Bleu, Dalas Star, Mercedes Dawn, Lexus Paige, Shy Lynne, Stormy Wave, Stormy Weather, Candy Bar, Candy Kane, Alotta Fagina, Caramel DDelight, Rosy Hips, Venus Fly Trap, Cin DD, Candy Cox, and Bambi Thumper.
I don’t want you readers to think for a minute that I know theses stripper names from personal experience. If I really visited those kinds of establishments I probably wouldn’t live long enough to enjoy them. My better-half may not be the best shot in Maine but what she lacks in accuracy she makes up in the large amount of ammo she has available.
Just saying.
I’ve been having some fun with lists for the last week but I think it’s time to step back into journal mode to update a few personal things. With this continuing rain we’ve been having the garden has really taken off. Last year when I planted my first rhubarb plant after three months it was approximately one foot high and I was really concerned that it wouldn’t make it through the winter. As of yesterday that stupid plant is now over six feet high and going strong. It looks like I’ll harvest enough seeds from it to plant a few more places around the property. You just can’t have too much of that wonderful stuff around since this years current price is hovering around $3.80 a pound. That s just highway robbery in my view so the more I grow the better.
Last weekend I spent a portion of Saturday doing the ceiling fan shuffle. I installed a new sleeker model fan with a light kit in our bedroom and a matching fan without a light kit into the room I spent all winter remodeling. The remodeled room is almost ninety percent furnished with nothing left to do except put a organizer system into the closet. It looks freaking fabulous. I then took the old fan from our bedroom and installed conveniently into my man cave directly above my computer desk. That will make for a nice cool blogging summer.
Tonight we were invited to my better-half’s daughter’s home for shish kabobs on the grill. With the school year almost over she’s preparing for her first summer vacation with the new baby. After teaching everyone else’s kids all year, she can now spend some quality time with her son. I see a lot of beach time in his immediate future which he will probably love. We were able to catch up on things a little and enjoyed the meal and conversation immensely. We made an early night of it and returned home with full bellies and smiles on our faces. It was a very nice visit.
We’re do for what looks like two or three more days of rain which is always badly needed to keep the garden healthy. That should give me enough time to continue work on a project I started more than a year ago. I’ve been working off and on a somewhat strange abstract bust of my better-half and I’m finally making some real progress on it since the room remodel was completed. I recently finished the hair which was a tedious job and within a month I should have this project finally completed.
We’re having a really great start to the Spring and Summer and plans are already taking shape for a long weekend to the wilds of northern Maine to get into the woods and take as many pictures as necessary to fill every memory card we have.
We also have an obligatory two day trip to visit her family in Rhode Island which should be fun too. This could actually turn into a rather nice summer barring any unplanned catastrophes. We plan on enjoying it as much as we possibly can before the next long winter begins. I might even be talked into a night at the amusement park in Old Orchard Beach. You’re never too old to jump on a ride or two and have a little fun.
Enjoy your summer.
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