A recent survey revealed by prostitutes that the sexual act they are most often asked to perform is fellatio.
The Ramses condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II, who fathered more than 160 children.
More than 1,000,000 condoms are sold in the US – that being only 0.4% of the population.
The average bra size is now 36C. Ten years ago it was 34B.
According to a recent American study the candle is the device most used by women during masturbation.
Sixteen years and two months is the average age for the loss of female virginity in the US.
The average penguin has only one orgasm a year.
On rare occasions menstrual cramps can induce orgasms.
Less than 30% of parents say they can talk openly about sex with their children.
My Fav
According to a Caribbean cruise line 58% of their passengers are unable to wait more than ten hours before making love. A lifeboat is the fourth most popular place on a ship to have sex. The whirlpool bath ranked first.
I’ve had a number of readers requesting another batch of jokes and humor from the 1980’s. As I compile these lists, I’ve discovered that they’re funnier today than they were when originally written. It just verifies that even low class and nasty humor lasts forever. Enjoy!
What is a barroom? An elephant farting in an elevator shaft.
How do you get even with the guy who’s trying to steal your wife? Let him have her.
What happens when you sit on wet cement? You get hardening of the farteries.
What does a gynecologist do when he’s feeling sentimental? Looks up an old girlfriend.
What do you call a lesbian who drives a delivery truck full of dildoes? A dick van dyke.
What’s worse than a piano that’s out of tune? An organ that stops working in the middle of a piece.
Why did the girl fail Sex Education? She couldn’t come for the oral exam.
How many straight New York waiters does it take to change a light bulb? Both of them.
Why is a fat girl like a moped? They’re both fun to ride until your friends see you.
What do you do when your girlfriend tells you to “kiss her where it smells?” Drive her to New Jersey.
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Here’s one that really hits home for those of us who grew up during the 60’s and 70’s.
This quiz may interest some of you trivia experts. This is truly a “Miscellaneous” selection from many and varied categories of trivia. As always, the answers will be posted below.
How large was the fund bequeathed in 1896 by Alfred Nobel to establish the annual Nobel Prizes?
What philosophy was expounded by the American League for Physical Culture, established in 1929?
What was the first word that the blind Helen Keller learned in sign language from her teacher, Annie Sullivan?
How much weight is saved by an airline if it doesn’t paint a Jumbo Jet?
What was used to erase lead pencil marks before the rubber eraser was invented?
What did Nippon Airways do to keep birds from being sucked into their plane’s engines?
Who was described in Playboy magazine as “Mary Poppins in Joan Collins’ clothing?
What did Lizzie Borden, Napolean, and Titian have in common?
How big is a cord of wood?
Where are the islands of Langerhans?
Answers
$9.2 million, Nudism, Water, 300 lbs., Pieces of Bread, They painted large eyes on engine intake manifolds, Vanna White, They were red heads, 4’X4’X8′ long, In the human body – Pancreas.
I don’t know about you, but the last week of news seems to have taken over any and all discussions about everything. Today is as good a day as any for a break from the landslide of BS from the liberal left. I’ll supply all of you with some bawdy humor to take the edge off of all the whining and crying I’ve been hearing. Turmoil is exactly what this government needs but we mustn’t let them destroy our sense of humor along with it. If these jokes make anyone smile then that’s a “mission success” for me.
It was his wedding night, and the minister finished undressing in the bathroom and walked into the bedroom. He was surprised to see that his bride had already slipped between the sheets. “My dear,” he said, “I thought I would find you on your knees.” She said, “Well, honey, I can do it that way too, but it gives me the hiccoughs.”
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Here’s one for my fellow retirees.
***
So, this elderly couple were sitting in their tiny flat on the lower east side when the husband said, “Doris, we’re in bad shape. Inflation has eaten up our Social Security check. The next one isn’t due until next week and we’ve got no money for food.” “Could I do anything to help?” she asked. “Yes” he said. “I hate to see you do this but it’s the only way. You’re going to have to go out and hustle your ass on the street.” “Me?” she said. “At the age of sixty-five?” “It’s the only way,” he said. Resigned to the situation, she went out into the hot night. She came staggering early the next morning. “How did you do?” asked the husband. “Here,” she said, “I’ve got four dollars and ten cents.” “Four dollars and ten cents,” he said. “Who gave you the ten cents?” “Everybody,” she exclaimed.
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And finally, one for our law enforcement community.
I know there are millions of Disney fans in this country and maybe not as many they’d like due to recent political choices made by their management. My better-half surprised me with an article dated July 1993 containing a Disney World trivia quiz. Please don’t email me to tell me that some of the answers aren’t accurate because this retro quiz contains information that’s thirty-two years old. Here are ten questions for those true Disney lovers out there. As always, the answers will be posted below.
Mickey’s Starland opened in 1988 with a different name. What was the name and why?
How many countries are included in World Showcase? Name them in order around the lagoon.
What is the name of the shipwrecked boat atop Mount Mayday at Typhon lagoon?
What is the name of the first hotel ever constructed at Walt Disney World?
The Empress Lillie at the Disney Village Marketplace is named after what lucky lady?
What is the name of the largest water slide at Typhon Lagoon?
What two colonial cities inspired the design of The Hall of Presidents in the Magic Kingdom?
What is the hat size of the Mickey Mouse ears atop the Disney-MGM Studios Theme Park’s landmark, the Eiffel Tower?
The Magic of Disney Animation at Disney’s-MGM Studios Theme Park is narrated by two famous personalities? Who are they?
What Disney World resort is home to Doubloon Lagoon, a themed swimming pool with a serpent?
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Answers
Mickey’s Birthdayland (his 60th), 11- Mexico-Norway-China-Germany-Italy-USA-Japan-Morocco-France-England-Canada, The Miss Tilly, The Contemporary, Walt’s wife Lillian, Humunga Kowagunga, Philadelphia & Boston, 342 1/2, Robin Williams & Walter Cronkite, Magic Journeys.
I thought today I’d share a few samples of poetry written by children. I love good poetry, but it seems to me that the poems written by the young are much more genuine that some of the not-so-wonderful professional poets. I prefer simple and beautiful poetry like the following. The subject of these poems is SUMMER.
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By Gillian Sellers, Age 9, England
Summer is golden,
Summer is green,
The freshly cut grass.
Down, down, down, we go, from the peak of the hill,
It seems that the whole world is fascinated by the American west and cowboy lifestyles in general. But I’ve noticed over the years, being a limerick collector, there seem to be a huge gap of limericks relating to that time period. I think today is as good as any day to begin remedying that problem. I’d like to give a shout out to the memory of the late Ray Allen Billington, who spent many years writing about the American West. He edited and authored twenty-five books prior to his passing in 1981 and many contained limericks. So, put on your cowboy hat, slip on those fancy leather boots and spurs, sit back and enjoy a few wild west limericks to help kick start your libido.
It’s said that most geniuses are borderline crazy. Herre are a few facts that might interest you.
MARK TWAIN
Mark Twain was born in 1835 in the year when Haley’s Comet could be seen from Earth, and fulfilling his own death prophecy, he died in 1910, the next time the comet cycled near the Earth, 76 years later.
The Museum of Modern Art in New York City hung Henri Matisse’s painting Le Bateau upside down for 47 days before an alert art student noticed the error.
Poet Ezra Pound wrote The Pisan Cantos while imprisoned in a U.S. army camp in Pisa, Italy. He had been arrested for treason because he had broadcasted Fascist propaganda from Italy during World War II. Eventually judged insane, Pound spent 12 years in a Washington D.C. mental hospital before finally returning to Italy.
Novelist Edgar Allan Poe was once a student at the U.S. Military Academy at West Point. Poe flunked out in a particularly spectacular way. An order came for all cadets to show up for a full-dress parade “wearing white belt and gloves, under arms.” He followed the order all too literally, appearing wearing nothing but a belt and carrying his gloves under his naked arms.
EZRA POUND
Robert Lewis Stevenson (1850-1894) wrote Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, a book of 60,000 words, during a six-day cocaine binge. He was also reported to have been suffering from tuberculosis at the time.
British writers Aldous Huxley and C.S. Lewis both died on November 22nd, 1963, the day of John Kennedy’s assassination.
American author Norman Mailer once stabbed his wife and then wrote a novel about it called An American Dream.
Both William Shakespeare and Miguel de Cervantes, who was considered by some to be Shakespeare’s literary equivalent, died on the same day: April 23, 1616.
It’s another cold and miserable day here in Maine and I have no plans to leave the house at all. It goes against my common sense to go outside and freeze my ass off for no good reason. What better way to make a cold and miserable day a little more pleasant than to read some truly interesting yet captivating dirty jokes. Let’s get started.
A woman in her 40’s went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called The Knob in which a small knob is placed on the back of the woman’s head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand-new face lift. Of course, the woman Immediately wanted The Knob. Over the years the woman tightened the knob when needed, the effects were wonderful, and the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After 15 years the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. “All these years, everything has been working just fine. I’ve had to turn the knob many times and I’ve always loved the results. But now I’ve developed two annoying problems: first, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and The Knob won’t get rid of them.” The doctor looked at her closely and said honey those aren’t bags; those are your breasts. She said, well, I guess there’s no point in asking about this goatee.
Q. What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day; anal sex makes your hole weak.
A guy takes his wife to the Doctor. The doc says, well it’s either Alzheimer’s disease or AIDS. “What do you mean?” the guy says. “You can’t tell the difference?” “Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages. Tell you what you should do, drive her way out into the country and kick her out of the car, if she finds her way home, don’t screw her.
The man returns from the tropics feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, who immediately rushes him to the hospital to undergo tests. After the tests are completed, the man wakes up to the ringing of a telephone in his private room at the hospital. On the other end of the line, the doctor explains, “We’ve received the results back from your tests. and found that you have an extremely nasty STD called G.A.S.H., which is a combination of gonorrhea, AIDS, syphilis, and herpes. “Oh my God” said the man, what am I going to do?” “Well, we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes and pita bread.” Will that cure me?” asks the man curiously. Well, no, but it’s the only food we can get under the door.
This is a perfect day for a truck load of silliness. First let’s look over some truly stupid and published newspaper headlines.
CHILD’S STOOL GREAT FOR USE IN THE GARDEN
SOVIET VIRGIN LANDS SHORT OF GOAL AGAIN
DEALERS WILL HEAR CAR TALK AT NOON
ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX
MAN RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN DIES
Next are a few actual classified ads that made me smile.
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Joining nudist colony, must sell washer & dryer – $300.00
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first.
Man wanted to work in explosive factory. Must be willing to travel.
Quotes and Malaprops from actual high school and college exams on the subject of Music Appreciation
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The principal singer of nineteenth-century opera was called the pre-Madonna.
Agnes Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.
A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.
When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would anybody.
Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant sound once the animal is removed.
And finally, a serious quote from a serious Playboy playmate, Barbie Benton.
(Not PETA Approved)
“I believe that minks are raised to be turned into fur coats and if we didn’t wear fur coats, those little animals would never have been born. So is it better not to have been born, or to have lived for one or two years to have been turned into a fur coat. I don’t know.”
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