Mae West (August 17, 1893 – November 22, 1980) was an American actress who worked in vaudeville and later in movies. She is best remembered for her dirty jokes and comedy movies. Her name when she was born was Mary Jane West. She was born in Brooklyn, New York City, and died in Hollywood, California.
Frederick Adolphus Sawyer (December 12, 1822 – July 31, 1891) was a United States Senator from South Carolina. Born in Bolton, Massachusetts. He graduated from Harvard University in 1844. On the night of April 14, 1865, Sawyer was at Ford’s Theater in Washington D.C. and witnessed the assassination of President Lincoln.
Being a former police officer, I still maintain interest in all things criminal, crime related, and punishment. I’m also a big fan of almost any book, fiction or nonfiction, about investigations concerning any crime you can think of. That makes today Crime and Punishment Trivia Day and I’ll pass along a few tidbits you may find interesting.
Let’s go back in history a few hundred years to examine methods of punishment for murderers, rapists, and traitors. From what I can see they were a little harsher with punishment than we seem to be these days.
I think all of the criminals living in this country should count their blessings and except Life Imprisonment Without Chance of Parole as being mighty generous and merciful. It’s hard to imagine how many of these methods were used often and without hesitation. It’s also hard to imagine how they had any crime rate whatsoever when the criminals knew these kinds of punishments were being handed out. But to quote an expert, “Stupid is as Stupid Does”.
THANKS GO OUT TO FORREST GUMP FOR THE QUOTE
Let me start off by saying that I’m not a beer drinker. I haven’t had much use for drinking beer since my early years of college and even then, I mixed it with Seven-Up because I couldn’t stand the taste. Also, most of the girls wanted it sweetened and who was I to argue? And now I’m living with one of the greatest beer drinkers I’ve ever seen, my better-half. I would easily consider her a professional beer drinker. She knows all the brands, flavors, the history of the breweries, and that makes her an expert in my eyes.
Many years ago, I worked with a man who made her look like an amateur. This guy could sit and drink a half a case of beer, leave the bar, and drive home. I never saw him intoxicated regardless of how many beers he slugged down in the course of the evening. I consistently ragged on him about drinking too much beer because even then I didn’t have much use for it. Finally, he decided to respond to my constant badgering and gave me the list you’re about to read. He felt that I spent most of my time chasing women and that in his opinion beer was way better than women. Here we go, his list of reasons that beer is better than women.
As I was typing this list, I had a small but equally important epiphany. While I dislike beer immensely, I absolutely love bourbon. If I replace the word beer in this list with the word bourbon, it still makes perfectly good sense. I guess it’s true what they say.
LOVE IS BLIND
Just what you’ve all been clamoring for – more limericks. I made a lucky discovery a few weeks ago when I purchased a book containing 1700 limericks dated between 1810 and 1950. Instead of printing a few here and there I decided to pick a few selections from each decade. They’ll give us a good flavor of the times in which they were written. Many are crass and bawdy and there’s a host of them from the war years in the 1940’s. Just a warning . . . some of these are not for children or anyone whose overly religious or just plain naive. Let’s get to it . . .
There was a young girl in Berlin
Who was fucked by an elderly Finn.
Though he diddled his best,
And fucked her with zest,
She kept asking, “Hey, Pop, is it in?” 1927
Winter is here with his grouch,
The time when you sneeze and you slouch.
You can’t take you’re women
Canoe’in or swimm’in,
But a lot can be done on a couch. 1927
There was a young man named Hughs
Who swore off all kinds of booze,
He said,”When I’m muddled
My senses get fuddled,
And I pass up too many screws.” 1926
There was a young plumber of Leigh
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea.
She said,”Stop your plumbing,
There’s somebody coming!”
Said the plumber, still plumbing, “It’s me.” 1923
There was a young lady named May
Who strolled in a park by the way,
And she met a young man
Who fucked her and ran,
Now she goes to the park every day. 1924
What do you think? It seems the same sense of humor required to write limericks doesn’t change much from one generation to another.
Everyone who’s ever read this blog for more than a day or two, knows just how much I love limericks. I like them funny, dirty, and filthy. I’ve been collecting them for many years but in a recent book I discovered a gentleman named John Ciardi. He was the second half of the book of limericks authored by Isaac Asimov. They were both lovers of limericks and have written some of the best ones I’ve ever seen. I posted samples of Asimov’s limericks a few weeks ago and today I thought I’d list a few of Mr. Ciardi’s. I know you’ll enjoy them because he takes a lot of time to craft them properly. Here we go . . .
There was a young lady who wouldn’t.
Her mother had told her she shouldn’t.
When dear mama died
She felt free. So, she tried,
but by then she was so old she couldn’t.
There once was a girl from New Haven
Whose pubic hair was not shaven
But missing because
She slept without drawers
Within range of a nest building Raven
There was a young lady named Jo❤
Who always said,” Thank you, but no,”
Which is poised and polite
But never does quite
As well as “Sure, Buster, let’s go.”
😜😜😜
A young do-it-yourselfer once screwed
Two pieces together. If you’d
Like to know what he made,
You must ask Adelaide
And her little sister, Gertrude
🚽🚽🚽
There was an old hooker who blew.
What I mean is, she left town. If you
Understood what I said
To mean she gave head,
Well, I guess there was some of that, too.
I would like to thank Mr. Ciardi for all of his hard work in creating these wonderful limericks. After reading all of his limericks as well as Isaac Asimov’s, it inspires me to begin writing a few of my own again. You can be sure of only one thing, mine will be a little ruder than theirs. Write a few of your own and send them along.
ALWAYS KEEP YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR
George Bernard Shaw 1898
Wikipedia defines satire as a genre of the visual, literary, and performing arts, usually in the form of fiction and less frequently non-fiction, in which vices, follies, abuses, and shortcomings are held up to ridicule, often with the intent of shaming or exposing the perceived flaws of individuals, corporations, governments, or society itself into improvement. Although satire is usually meant to be humorous, its greater purpose is often constructive social criticism, using wit to draw attention to both particular and wider issues in our society.
All that being said, I love satire and consider it as another arm of sarcasm. The Onion is currently a website dedicated to ridiculing just about everything. It sports ridiculous stories and headlines that make you want to die laughing. The history of The Onion goes back to 1900 which makes the book I just obtained all the more interesting. I now have a huge photo selection of front pages of The Onion dating from January 1, 1900, to January 1, 2000. What better way for a lover of history like myself to chronicle our country, but with satirical headlines from The Onion.
I’ll be starting with the edition dated January 1, 1900. It’s the start of a new century and the headlines are crazy funny and thick with satire.
NATIONS SKIES FILLED WITH BEAUTIFUL, BLACK SMOKE
OUR NATIONS FORESTS MUST BE MINED FOR COAL
WILL MAN-MADE GRIME REACH THE VAULTS OF HEAVEN?
GROWING USE OF DR. SCHEIDT’S PATENTED SAFETY CORSET
BRITISH MISSIONARIES ARE SPREADING CHRISTIAN WISDOM
RELEASES PAPAL EDICT OUTLINING FORBIDDEN FAMILTY PRACTICES
ITALIANS IN ATTENDENCE VOW TO PEOPLE THE PLANET
I’m reasonably sure that the powers-that-be at the time were thrilled with these satirical headlines. Who doesn’t love the freedom of the press and their ability to make politicians and governments in general wet themselves? Thanks goes out to The Onion for making the information available for me to play with.
MORE TO COME
I’m about to do something I don’t normally do. That is to distribute information received from what might be considered a disgruntled and unhappy reader. A while ago I received an e-mail from this reader accusing me of being a neoconservative Neanderthal because he disagreed with me on some of my comments concerning political correctness running amok. I can’t argue the Neanderthal crack, but I’m no neoconservative, nor am I an independent, Republican or Democrat. I’m just a regular guy who believes in the spirit of fairness and freedom of speech. With that in mind here’s the list he emailed me (tongue-in-cheek, I hope) of politically correct terminology I should be using. If he truly used any of these nonsensical terms, he is no doubt a friendless New Age moron. Oh, sorry if I’m being too harsh. What can you expect from an effing Neanderthal? Here they are, I hope you enjoy them as much as I didn’t.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MAN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT
Well, there you have it. A collection of foolish politically correct nonsense from a A-hole Millennial before he knew he was one. Hard to believe he actually spent time compiling this crap although he probably just got it from one of his Millennial buddies. Standing up for free speech can sometimes get you stuck doing something like this. I do apologize.
ALL HAIL THE FIRST AMENDMENT
everyuselessthing.com 