Archive for the ‘Bitch & Complain’ Category
More aches and pains as the garden begins to take shape. I’m trying to do as much work on it as I possibly can as early as I can. Last years efforts were almost ruined because I waited until the last minute to do much of the small things that are necessary. Learning from my mistakes is absolutely essential if I’m to have the garden I want.
Yesterday was another chilly morning but I was up and at it earlier than usual. I picked up my supplies the day before from Home Depot, the only store in the area that carried the type of fencing I needed. Here is the before photo on the newly completed frame without the fencing.
The fencing is made for controlling small animals such as rabbits and skunks which are my main problem. We have larger game in the area but they’ve never ben a problem for me. Fortunately I have a nearby neighbor with fruit trees and the deer love their fruit. The insist on visiting him on a regular basis and leaving me alone.
After an hour or so of cursing and swearing my job was completed. That should keep the little buggers out of the garden this year. I really dislike killing any animals so the cost of the fence is worth it to keep me guilt free. Here’s the photo of the completed fence.
If the weather warms up a little in the coming days I can drag out my rototiller to loosen up the soil. Then I can lay down the fabric into the frames which eliminates weeding completely because I hate weeding.
How about a little garden humor to start your day . . .
A woman’s garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won’t ripen. There’s a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she’s getting tired of it. So she goes to her neighbor and says, "Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?” Her neighbor replies, "Well, it may sound absurd but here’s what to do. Tonight there’s no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they’ll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they’ll all be red, you’ll see.” Well, what the heck? She does it. The next day her neighbor asks how it worked. "So-so,” she answers, "The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer.”
Here’s a salute to everyone’s favorite redneck gardener, Jeff Foxworthy . . .
You Might be a Redneck Gardener If:
You mow your lawn and find a wheelbarrow.
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it is yellow.
You don’t water your front yard rather than mow it.
You know how many bags of fertilizer your car can hold.
You’ve even cleaned your house with a leaf blower.
You empty the trash when you have enough to fill up the pickup.
You can amuse yourself for more that an hour with a hose.
You’ve been cited for reckless driving on a riding lawn mower.
You move your weed-eater to take a bath.
And finally here is a cute limerick which any Maine gardener will appreciate . . .
I ordered some new bulbs by mail
and tried to grow orchids large scale
exotics won’t grow
under three feet of snow
or battered with blizzards and hail!
C’MON WARM WEATHER
I spent an hour this morning working in the garden and freezing my ass off. Another night in the mid-twenties and the fourth hard frost in as many nights. Gardening with a heavy coat, hat, and gloves is cumbersome to say the least. The garden frames have been upgraded and extra soil added to all of the areas. There’s nothing more left to do except add some fencing then relax on the deck until Spring decided to actually show up. This cold weather has got to go.
My better-half and I spent the last two weeks being good little dieters. No alcohol, no sugar, and no carbs. In other words we’ve been miserable. This morning’s weigh-in showed me down 5 pounds and her down 3. It’s a slow start but we have a long way to go to meet our final goals. So far, so good.
Our celebrating of our two week diet brought us to the Great Lost Bear tavern in Portland. It’s known for it’s excellent chicken wings and draws my better-half to it like a giant magnet. Her obsession for wings is beyond belief. She wolfed down a platter of the super hot variety while I had a chicken sandwich soaked in what they call their Hellfire sauce. The name is no joke, believe me. My mouth, throat and lips were burning for an hour after we left the establishment but it was so damn good. I remained alcohol free and settled for some rather good ice tea to help put out the fire in my mouth.
Tomorrow we sit down to discuss what will eventually be planted in our garden for this year. We’re hoping to change things up a little to have a more diverse selection of crops. The discussion should be interesting since we have totally different tastes in food. Every year it’s the same process but we’ve had much in the past with our decision making and who can argue with that.
Tonight will require another lengthy hot shower to work out all of the kinks, aches, and pains resulting from this mornings work. I’ve been looking forward to that shower all day.
WHAT’S BETTER THAN HOT WATER ON SORE MUSCLES?
Today is fast becoming a day of anticipated frustration for me. I’ve been waiting for almost two weeks and today is the day of my delivery of garden items from Lowe’s. Dealing with any big box store immediately becomes overly complicated as soon as you say the magic word, "Delivery". All of a sudden a simple purchase becomes a major project involving a dozen so-called experts who never fail to make things difficult for themselves and in turn, for me as well. Multiple telephone calls to verify the order, where to deliver it, and at what time of the day they might arrive. Much like cable TV companies they give you that oh-so convenient four hour window.
I’ve been assured by my better-half that things will go as planned but I’m skeptical. We’ll be leaving the house for a few hours to run errands and I can only pray that things go as ordered and get delivered. I’ve decided to wait to finish this post until later today once the delivery has been completed.
‘Day #1 – Start’
It’s a few hours later and I’m very happy with Lowes. Everything for the garden was delivered, on time, and in one piece. I guess my skepticism was unwarranted, sorry Lowes.
We both got right to work unloading almost 2 1/2 tons of bagged top soil and the lumber to rebuild one of the frames.
‘Old Frame Out – New Frame In’
“New Soil In’
I’m sitting on the deck as I write this post knowing ahead of time just how stiff and sore I’m sure to be tomorrow morning. Regardless, it’s a good stiff and sore. Gardening and working in the yard is like therapy for us and we actually look forward to and relish all of the aches and pains. Crazy, I know.
This day ended when we ran out of energy. Tomorrows another day and what wasn’t finished today will be taken care of then. Here’s the garden as we left it at the end of the day.
On to Day #2.
I’m being as lazy as I possibly can this morning and looking ahead to the beginning of a labor intensive Spring which is scheduled to begin on Thursday. Regardless of the cooler temperatures and crappy weather Lowe’s will be making a delivery which means much more work and a few aching muscles for me. It’s confusing for me to be so eager to get started with a project that will hurt so much but I’m forced to deal with the realities of the situation.
The garden is only moments away from becoming my main focus for at least the next three months. During that time I’ll be adding additional loam to all of the frames, fertilizing, and rototilling everything in sight to help loosen the soil. Then it’s just a matter of setting the fabric in place in all of the large frames to eliminate the need to weed this summer. Completing a general cleanup will then allow me to sit back and relaxing until the warmer temperatures decide to arrive.
Then comes the numerous trips to a selection of nurseries to purchase plants, plants, and more plants. Building and installing a few new trellises for the beans and snap peas as well as a box of .22 caliber ammunition for the assassination of the damn skunk. There are indications he’s already been visiting the property this year and I really have to get serious about ridding myself of him. With my luck he’ll have three or four relatives who’ll show up after his demise to make me even more crazy. It’s a wait and see situation for me, for him, and for them.
Welcoming the end of a rather lackluster winter season is something I’ve been looking forward to for months. In another month or two I’m sure to be complaining about the garden, the heat, the humidity, and wishing for Fall to arrive as soon on as possible. It’s a vicious cycle that we all seem to get caught up in every year.
Here’s my all time favorite garden quote. If it isn’t a little off-color then how can it be one of my favorites?
"A dirty hoe is a happy hoe."
I thought that since today is once again cold and sunny I should dig into my trivia library for some interesting facts rather than going out to brave the weather. I might even find a few that aren’t so interesting but as always you can be the judge of that. These are items primarily related to cemeteries and funerals. I may be forced to throw in a few off-color limericks as well. Let’s get started.
Here’s an entry I’m adding just for my beer drinking better-half.
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A headstone in a cemetery at Saint Kilda, Victoria, Australia, depicts a hand holding a jug of beer. The headstone was the result of a threat often made by the widow to her thirsty husband.
This item amazes me. I can’t begin to understand the level of dedication this involves.
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In Nara, Japan, a lantern in the tomb of a Buddhist priest, Kyobo Daishi, in the monastery of Koya San has been burning continuously for 1126 years.
This one I can appreciate somewhat. The woman was truly dedicated to her profession, regardless of the consequences.
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The epitaph of the late Shirley Pitts of London, England, dubbed the “Queen of Shoplifters” reads, “Gone Shopping”.
Everyone loves a good “Love” story and here’s a beauty.
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“Husband: I anxiously awaiting you, 1827.” “Wife: Here I am, 1867 – Gravestones in a Paris, France cemetery.
Here are two entries concerning two stubborn fools.
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“Here stands old Britt Bailey” – Epitaph to James Britton Bailey, who was buried standing up because he refused to look up to any man.
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A tombstone in Weather Hill, New England, reads: “Here lies the body of Samuel Proctor, who lived and died without a doctor.”
Here are a few rather interesting approaches.
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A tombstone in a cemetery in Medway, Massachusetts, reads, “Beneath this stone, this lump of clay, lies Uncle Peter Daniels, who too early in the month of May, took off his winter flannels.”
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“Here lies the father of twenty-nine, He would have had more but he didn’t have time.” – Gravestone in Moultrie, Georgia.
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A gravestone near Uniontown, Pennsylvania: “Her lies the body of Jonathon Blake, stepped on the gas instead of the brake.”
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“Owen Moore Is gone away, Owen’ more than he could pay.” – Epitaph in Surrey, England.
And finally a proper send off for an attorney.
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The tombstone of an attorney in Willwood cemetery, Rockford, Illinois: “Goembel, John E. 1867-1946: The defense rests.”
Now for a couple of art related limericks.
For a sculpture that’s really first class,
You need form, composition, and mass;
To do a good Venus,
Just leave off the penis,
And concentrate more on the ass!
A lascivious lecher, called Fletcher,
Was also a talented sketcher.
Of ladies (quite nude)
He invariably screwed,
But did they enjoy it? You betcha!
I think that’s enough silliness for today. Look for more limericks in the future because I recently stumbled upon quite the collection, most from the British Isles. They have an excellent approach to raunchiness that I really admire.
I’m still in Maine complaining about the weather which has once again trapped me in the house for a good portion of the day. Now I hear there’s a possibility of another snow storm this weekend, hopefully the last one this season. Mother Nature is hanging on for dear life like she always does. I don’t understand why continue to complain. I guess not being able to control everything irritates me a little.
Some of you have asked in your emails about making Sake. It’s a fairly simple recipe that’s available by email for anyone interested. My batch has been moved from the primary fermenter where it’s been for ten days. The yeast has eaten all of the sugar and the Sake should have approximately 15% alcohol content upon completion. As you can see the wine looks like milk. Yes, that’s how it’s supposed to look. As the fermentation stops and the yeast begins to settle the wine will become crystal clear. These jugs should supply me with fifteen 750ml bottles of Sake or 30-375ml half bottles.
I’m been trying to finish up a second design this week which has become my homage to Amy Winehouse. I’ll post a photo when it’s complete but it might be a little difficult to show all of the details due to it’s size. We’ll see.
I’ve been watching more movies of late as I wait for Spring to really arrive. Last night the better-half and I watched what they (Netflix) are calling a dark comedy. The movie was ‘Bad Roomies’ and I thoroughly enjoyed it. The cast members were virtual unknowns which more times than not makes for a decent movie. This movie was funny and sexy with one of the hottest women I’ve seen in a while. The better-half was disappointed because there were no unicorns and rainbows anywhere in the entire film. I felt bad for her but for me it was a fun hour and a half that had me laughing a lot even after offering up a dead body at the end.
Well I’d love to chat a while longer but demands of the better-half come first. We’re having a small get-together tonight and they are chores to be done. Fortunately for me I’ve stocked up on plenty of wine to help sweeten my mingling skills. From what everyone tells me, they need all the help they can get.
C’MON SPRING – WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
Most people who blog love to write and I guess that’s understandable. What I don’t understand are those people out there who choose not to write or read. I’m not criticizing, just questioning why. It seems that some people are wired differently and just aren’t all that interested. I read almost the entire Lord of the Rings story to my young son and he enjoyed it immensely. I can honestly say that might be the last book he ever had read to him and he hasn’t read one on his own very often if ever. He just isn’t interested in reading.
Is it nature or nurture? I really don’t have a clue. Using my son again as an example, on his twelfth birthday I bought him a book on the history of baseball and statistics on every player of note for the last fifty years. I knew he loved sports and I took a shot. The book was four inches thick and I thought if nothing else he could use it as a door stop. He read the entire book in a few weeks and remembered almost every statistic on every player. After a time he drove me nuts quoting stats every time we talked. Apparently he was over-the-top interested in sports.
You all know how much I love the written word and trivia so I decided to combine them for todays post. Here’s my collection of useless information on the written word.
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The number of children in the United Kingdom appearing in hospital emergency rooms dropped by 50% on weekends when the new Harry Potter books were released.
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The first edition of Freud’s The Interpretation of Dreams (1899) sold only 351 copies in it’s first six years.
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Five years after the 9/11 attacks, 1248 books had been published on the subject.
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More than 150 books have the words “before you die” in their titles.
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Charles Dickens created 989 named characters.
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Only half of American adults have read a book since leaving high school.
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Five of the ten best selling novels in Japan in 2007 were written on mobile phones.
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In 1893, when Sir Arthur Conan Doyle killed off Sherlock Holmes, 20,000 people cancelled their subscriptions to The Strand Magazine, which had published the Holmes stories.
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Around 200,000 academic journals are published in the English language. The average number of readers per article is 5.
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The word “bible” does not appear in the works of Shakespeare.
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Thirty percent of hardcover books go directly from the printer to the warehouse.
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The Da Vinci Code is the bestselling book in French history. A quarter of the population is estimated to have read it.
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Mein Kampf was second bestselling book in Turkey in March of 2005.
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The eighteenth-century scholar Edmond Malone calculated that 4,144 of the 6,033 lines in parts I, II, and II of Henry VI were plagiarized by William Shakespeare.
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The record for the highest number of short stories published in The New Yorker by an author in one year is held by E.B. White (twenty-eight in 1927). The overall record is held by James Thurber, who published 273 stories from 1927 to 1961.
That’s it for today. Hopefully they’ll be a few non-readers out there who’ll decide to read this post. I know for certain my son won’t be one of them unless I add some silly facts about batting averages or Babe Ruth’s weight problems.
NON-READERS MAKE ME CRAZY
Have you ever had your credit card information stolen by someone? I have.
For the second time in a year my bank sent me a notice that I’m being issued a new credit card because mine may have been compromised. No explanations as to how or when or why, just shut up and do it. I hate pushy people, pushy governments, pushy companies, and now this pushy bank. Ordering me to change cards without giving me the specifics seems to be a tad arrogant. If it’s just a preventative measure then tell me that. I don’t appreciate being treated like a moron child, being ordered around by a know-it-all parent. That may have worked when I was five but trust me, I’m no longer five.
I allow these people the privilege of using my money to make money for themselves but this Big Brother attitude pisses me off. It seems to be the way of things these days especially with the government and Big Business. They see us as a pack of slobbering idiots who need their hands held to make any sort of decision.
Now I get to spend a couple of hours today on the Net changing my credit card numbers on a myriad of websites. I suppose I shouldn’t complain since they are allegedly protecting my money and accounts but talking down to me is unacceptable.
Over the last five years I’ve had my information stolen twice when unauthorized purchases were made in Canada and Europe. Throw in two changes of debit cards (because of hacked companies) and three new credit cards (for unexplained reasons) and OMFG what the hell is going on. If you’re doing something to benefit me all that’s required is a simple explanation. I guess it’s too much to hope for in these days of big government and big business arrogance. They’re too busy to deal with the feelings of the “great unwashed”.
I sometimes wonder whether it would be worth it to remove myself from the grid entirely and go back to writing checks and mailing payments. Is simple convenience worth all of this grief and aggravation? I don’t want to get too crazy but maybe it’s time for some common sense to enter into my approach to the Net, my use of credit and debit cards, and banking in general. I need to think on it for a while longer and try to come up with some good solid solutions to this nightmare.
I’d ask the bank for help but they’d just replace all of my cards once again and send me that condescending form letter as well.
THE BIGGER THE ORGANIZATION, THE LESS THEY CARE.
Today is what will probably turn into a do-nothing, boring, day of reading, and not much else. We’re still caught in between seasons here in Maine which means the weather is all screwed up and annoying. The snowfall from our recent storm is 90% gone but it’s still awfully cold at night. It’s just cold enough to require heavy clothing that makes you begin to sweat as soon as you put it on. Then you remove it to cool down, get cold, and put the clothing back on and sweat some more. It’s no wonder everyone seems to be suffering either from colds or any one of many flu viruses that seem to be going around.
I’ve spent the last few days at home and only leaving the house for wine or food emergencies. All that means is if I’m short on wine and my favorite foods I will brave the cold and crappy weather regardless. Minor errands or stupid shopping forays are not what I consider an emergency no matter what my better-half tells me.
While I’m thinking about that here are a few dirty jokes to brighten your day. We’ll start with a bar joke. Everyone loves a good and dirty bar joke.
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A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs. "I am." The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."
Having worked for a few retail companies over the years I thought a little retail humor was warranted. I looked for years trying to find a salesman like this.
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A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Omaha." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow." I’ll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, "One". The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.65 ". The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?" The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing.’"
This joke goes a long way to explain how long term marriages seem to work.
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Husband always insisted on making love in the dark. After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator. She goes ballistic, "You impotent bastard! How could you lie to me all these years?" Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I’ll explain the toy, you explain the kids….."
You Think A Gallon Of Gas Is Expensive? This little list makes one think, and may put things in perspective:
Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 $ 9.52 per gallon
Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 $10.00 per gallon
Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 $10.17 per gallon
Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 $10.32 per gallon
Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 $25.42 per gallon
Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 $33.60 per gallon
Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 $84.48 per gallon
Pepto-Bismol 4 oz $3.85 $123.20 per gallon
Vick’s Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 $178.13 per gallon
And this is the REAL KICKER . . .
Evian water 9 oz $1.49 $21.19 per gallon!
$21.19 FOR WATER! . . . and most buyers don’t even
know the source. But then again "EVIAN" spelled
backwards is "Naïve."
HAVE A GREAT DAY
I’d just like to send out to Mother Nature a big huge kick in the butt. I awoke this morning to her latest gift . . . 6 inches of snow with more expected. I think it’s just her way of letting us know who’s really in charge around here. So I spent this morning getting the snowblower out of storage, gassing it up one more time, and clearing the driveway again. Dammit!!
I much prefer to talk about our day trip yesterday which was much nicer than all this crappy snow today. We took a ride west into New Hampshire to the foothills of Mt. Washington. It was a cold and sunny day which made for a great drive. We were headed once again to North Conway, NH known for it’s many cool little shops and outlet stores. Here a photo looking down Maine Street towards Mt. Washington.
The town was packed full of visitors and every store and shop was crowded. A little sunshine goes a long way in helping to open purses and wallets. I actually opened mine for a change and did my part to help the local economy.
After walking a few miles and looking at damn near everything we decided to stop for lunch at a restaurant called Horsefeathers.
Their menu had a lot to offer but I always lean towards seafood whenever possible. The better half had a great crab and cheese sandwich and loved it. I ordered some super garlicky mussels and this was all that was left a short time later.
The food and drinks were terrific and we returned to the car fat, dumb, and happy. All of our purchases were loaded up and as we drove down Main Street towards home this was what I saw in my rearview mirror. Just a beautiful area.
I can’t wait to return later in the summer to make the trek to the summit of Mt. Washington. We’ve done it before because the view will take your breath away. If I remember correctly on a clear day you can see five states from up there and parts of Canada as well.
JUST A GREAT DAY TO SHAKE OFF THE WINTER DOLDRUMS
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