I’m feeling in a very ‘limericky’ state of mind this morning. It’s cold, gray, and nasty so a day sitting at the computer is called for. After perusing through my achieves I decided on a few fairly clean limericks based on accidental deaths or injuries. Rather than be off color I decided on weird and these got it covered and then some.
Any day that starts with a visit to an Oncologist is a day that has to get better. Doctors still give me the willies even after all of my cancer related BS. I got a clean bill of health but I still have to go through their annoying little requirements each time I visit. Screw it, no more doctors talk. Let’s smile just a little with a few retro bumper stickers to get started today. Welcome back to the 60’s and 70’s.
EAT YOUR HEART OUT. I’M MARRIED.
LIFE’S TO SHORT TO FEEL GUILTY
BUMPER STICKERS ARE JUST NOT ENOUGH
I’M SO BROKE I CAN’T EVEN PAY ATTENTION
GOD IS COMING AND SHE’S PISSED OFF
Look Out Ladies – Here I come.
I think I had one or two of those on my 1973 orange Gremlin. I sure miss that car. And just for the hell of it here is a rather lengthy epithet from a fine poet in Wolverhampton, Straffordshire, England. I’m guessing this was written sometime between 1845-1855. It’s obvious that the author was no Longfellow.
I’ve worked closely for a variety of people over the years and I thought I’d heard every stupid question imaginable. Then I began reading about questions asked at National Parks and Tourist Visitor bureaus. Boy was I ever mistaken that I’ve heard it all. You just can’t make this stuff up.
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Which beach is closest to the water?
Do you have a map of the Iditarod Trail? We’d like to go for a walk now.
Have we made peace with the Indians?
What is the best time of the year to watch deer turn into elk?
Where are Scarlet and Rhett buried and are they buried together?
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If you go into a restaurant in Idaho and you don’t want any kind of potato with your meal, will they ask you to leave?
I am trying to build a flying saucer. Where do I go for help?
Where can I find a listing of jazz funerals for the month?
What is the official language of Alaska?
Where can we find Amish hookers? We want to buy a quilt.
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Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
So whats in the unexplored part of the cage?
We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?
In the past I’ve been criticized for being somewhat unhappy with almost every organized religious group. I calmly sat by quietly accepting quit a number of less than Christian comments. They didn’t make me angry as you might think but in fact they made me smile. They just convinced me and others that I was probably accurate in my opinions. Today I will further defend my position by quoting some fairly well known individuals. They, like everyone else have opinions on damn near everything.
“Science without religion is lame, religion with science is blind.” Albert Einstein
“If men are so wicked with religion, what would they be without it?” Benjamin Franklin
“In all ages, hypocrites, called priests, have put crowns upon the heads of thieves, called kings.” Robert G. Ingersoll
“An archbishop is a Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to that attained by Christ.” H.L. Mencken
“Religion is induced insanity.” Madalyn Murray O’Hair
“Unlike Christianity, which preached a peace that it never achieved, Islam unashamedly came with a sword.” Steven Runciman
“The Catholic faith is confession on Saturday. Absolution on Sunday. At it again on Monday.” H.G. Wells
“If I had been the Virgin Mary, I’d have said, “No!” Stevie Smith
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So many people, so many opinions. As the old saying goes, “Opinions are like assholes, everybody’s got one.” It remains a truth regardless of what religion or lack of religion you believe in.
I love reading limericks written in a totally different time and place. Today’s selection is from the war years in England. Even with all of the violence and mayhem going on they took time to maintain a sense of humor. Thank god for sex and it’s related activities, it’s all they had.
Johan Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on the old spinster which he kept up in the attic.
The government of Athens was Democratic because the people took the law into their own hands.
Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
People have sex, while nouns have genders.
The American colonists won the Revolutionary war and no longer had to pay for taxis.
The bowels are A, E, I, O, U, and sometimes Y.
He worked in the government as a civil serpent.
ISN’T EDUCATION WONDERFUL?
A horse divided against itself cannot stand.
The climate of the Sahara desert is so hot that certain areas are cultivated by irritation.
Charles Darwin wrote The Organ of the Species.
When a baby is born, the doctor cuts its biblical chord.
The Greeks invented three kinds of columns: Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic.
It’s officially Fall here in Maine. The temperature has fallen and the winter clothing and extra blankets have been unpacked. I’m sure there are snowblowers all over the state being readied for what is sure to be coming. If that doesn’t depress you a little then nothing will. Today’s post contains limericks written in the late sixties and early seventies and should be considered poetry of a sort. They’ve even been categorized to make it easier for me to choose. Today’s theme will be “Virgins”. Enjoy!
I woke up at 4:45 am today and it’s still cold and miserable outside. It’s been raining for a day and a half and I hate it. I made the decision to stay in bed under my warm electric blanket and to watch one of my favorite movies, The Godfather. There’s nothing like an couple hours of senseless violence, mayhem and the occasional murder or two to get your day started. I then caught up on the days sport scores so as not to be totally uninformed. My coffee was hot but unfortunately none of my hometown teams (Pittsburgh) were. I’ve been wanting to post a few limericks this week and I’ve also got sports on my mind. What’s better than a few sporty limericks to kick off this crappy day.
It seems that this cold snap and the end of Summer is having a bad effect on almost everyone. So, for all you grumpy and pissed off people let me amuse you with a few really stupid newspaper headlines. They might just force some of you to smile.
ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACE
CHILD’S STOOL GREAT FOR GARDEN USE
COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES
BLIND WOMEN GETS NEW KIDNEY FROM DAD SHE HASN’T SEEN IN YEARS
MAN, SHOOTS NEIGHBOR WITH MACHETE
😮😮😮
COURT RULES BOXER SHORTS ARE INDEED UNDERWEAR
BITING NALS CAN BE A SIGN OF TENSENESS IN A PERSON
CHILDS DEATH RUINS COUPLE’S HOLIDAY
IF STRIKE ISN’T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST A WHILE
Always wishing to keep this blog interesting I decided that a short review of the “toilet” needs to be told. It’s an important part of our everyday lives but very few people care to hear anything about it. I’ll do the best I can with the information I’ve been able to find.
Before the invention of toilet paper, people use shells or stones, bunches of herbs or, at best, a bit of sponge attached to a stick, which they rinsed with cold water.
A Victorian plumber, Thomas Crapper, perfected the system we all use today. The siphon flush which by drawing water uphill through a sealed cistern is both effective and hygienic.
In Victorian times, toilet seats were always made of wood. The well-to-do set on mahogany or walnut, while the poor put up with untreated white pine.
The idea of separate cubicles for toilets is a relatively modern invention. The Romans, for example, sat down together in large groups.
The first toilet air freshener was a pomegranate stuffed with cloves.
American civil servants’ paychecks are recycled to make toilet rolls.
The most impossible item to flush is a ping-pong ball.
The movie Psycho was the first Hollywood film that showed a toilet flushing – thereby generating many complaints.
Julia Roberts was once asked for an autograph while she was on the john. She said, ” I’m the tiniest bit busy.”
Actor Jack Nicholson has a dead rattlesnake embedded in the clear plastic seat of his toilet.
And one last quote from a member of British royalty. “The biggest waste of water in the country by far. You spend half a pint and flush 2 gallons.”(Prince Philip in a 1965 speech)
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