Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category
cli·ché
/kliˈʃeɪ, klɪ-/ [klee-shey, kli-] noun
1.a trite, stereotyped expression; a sentence or phrase, usually expressing a popular or common thought or idea, that has lost originality, ingenuity, and impact by long overuse, as sadder but wiser, or strong as an ox.
2.(in art, literature, drama, etc.) a trite or hackneyed plot, character development, use of color, musical expression, etc.
3.anything that has become trite or commonplace through overuse.
4.British Printing.
a. a stereotype or electrotype plate.
b. a reproduction made in a like manner.
adjective
5.trite; hackneyed; stereotyped; clichéd.
The word cliché comes from two origins:
- A sound – The French used the word to describe the sound that a matrix, or a mold with letters on it, made when it was being dropped into molten metal to make a printing plate.
- A printing plate – Oddly enough, the printing plate itself was called a cliché or a stereotype and it was one of the first movable types in the world.
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I like to stay ahead of the game and to be all things to all men but that’s easier said than done at times. I always try to hammer out things, leave no stone unturned, to give you a leg up on events and to dish the dirt religiously.
I love to punch the clock, push the envelope, and push people’s buttons whenever possible. I may pull someone’s leg but I’ll never pull any punches or leave you in the lurch. I’m the master of the left-handed compliment and I’ll do my level best to harp on a point and let the chips fall where they may.
I probably should quit while I’m ahead but I so enjoy pulling the rug out from under people who need it. I’ll let the cat out of the bag in a New York minute because it’s all in a day’s work here at Every Useless Thing.
I’ve seen the handwriting on the wall while pounding this Internet pavement and while I operate tongue-in-cheek I’ll touch all the bases, tilt at the appropriate windmills and draw a bead on whoever tickles my fancy.
I try to fair and balanced but sometimes it’s a tough row to hoe. It goes without saying that the Internet can be all things to all men but many people love playing fast and loose with the truth. It occasionally causes me to throw caution to the wind, find the liars and throw them under the bus.
With this posting I’m trying to determine if I could on a good day use clichés to make small talk and supply you with food for thought. Most days I operate off the top of my head scrounging around for nuggets of information to help me let off a little steam. To make a long story short, I’ll never hold my tongue. I’ll continue to call a spade a spade especially when I’m on the warpath about something. Don’t believe everything I say hook, line and sinker but if the shoe fits, wear it.
IT’S ALL IN A DAY’S WORK!
All of my life I’ve been curious about things. I suppose that was the trait that drew me to a career in investigations. I hate having unanswered questions and when I find one it makes me a little crazy. They stick with me until I can resolve the question with a logical answer. I’ve also found over the years that there are thousands of questions that have no logical answers, Some people might call them stupid but that doesn’t change the fact that they need to be answered.
Over time I’ve reviewed lists from others and made lists of my own with questions that no one can or will answer. Here’s a small collection of a few of them that will get you thinking a bit. If you have answers let me know but I’m willing to bet you won’t be any more successful than I’ve been.
Here goes nothing . . . . .
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What’s another word for synonym?
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Where are Preparations A through G?
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Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
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Why are there flotation devices under airplane seats instead of parachutes?
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Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
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Why are toe nail clippers bigger than finger nail clippers?
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Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130?
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Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
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Why is it that when a person tells you there’s over a million stars in the universe you believe them, but if someone tells you there’s wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
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Why is it good to be a Daddy’s girl, but bad to be a Momma’s boy?
- Is it possible for someone to be a closet claustrophobic?
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Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
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Why do people who only eat natural foods drink decaffeinated coffee?
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Why is a women’s prison called a penal colony?
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You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same material?
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Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM’s? And secondly, way is it placed where the driver can reach it?
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If you google “Google” will your computer get stuck in a loop?
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Why do the walk signs only stay green long enough to allow pedestrians to get to the middle of the street?
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Why do people say heads up when you should duck?
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What do you say when someone says you’re in denial, but you’re not?
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Why do the numbers on a phone go one way and the numbers on the calculator go the other?
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Why do British people never sound British when they sing?
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Why is the name of the phobia for the fear of long words Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?
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What ever happened to an E grade? We have A,B,C,D,F but no E.
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Why do people never say “it’s only a game” when they’re winning?
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Did Adam and Eve have navels?
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Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window!
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
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How is it possible to have a civil war?
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If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe him?
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If an orange is orange, why isn’t a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
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If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?
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If superglue is so good, why doesn’t it stick to the side of the tube?
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If you can’t drink and drive, why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
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Why do hotdogs come in packs of 8 when hotdog rolls come in packs of 10?
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Why don’t you ever see baby pigeons?
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What happens if you get scared half-to-death twice?
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What happens when you call a 1-800 number collect?
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What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
All interesting questions but very few answers that make any sense at all. Life can be so challenging at times.
I’ve always felt I was the kind of person who had a really good sense of humor. I love good jokes, limericks or just about anything that will make me laugh. I also enjoy making people laugh and I’ve always have at my beck-and-call any number of jokes, quips, and sayings that helped me do that.
Most of my really close friends over the years have been people with a well-developed sense of humor who weren’t afraid to laugh at themselves. I’m a big believer that self-deprecating humor is by far the best and I practice it myself on many occasions. I love humor but I hate the kind that’s used to embarrass or degrade anyone.
One of my biggest problems is my inability to remember jokes. I’ve had friends that after a few drinks could tell jokes for two hours without taking a breath. The more they drank the more jokes they remembered and the funnier they became. That’s what I call a damn party. Unfortunately those kinds of people are few and far between these days or so it seems. Maybe it’s just me and I’m running in the wrong circles.
It also seems that a great many people claim to have little or no sense of humor. These are people that take themselves and their jobs way too seriously. They wear their lack of humor like a badge of honor at times and I just can’t wrap my head around that kind of thinking. What I’m trying to say as gently as possible is that if you have no sense of humor you’re probably boring as hell and about as much fun to be with as getting an STD.
I’m always on the lookout for people who love to laugh. Those are the people I want in my life and to spend time with to enjoy some quick-witted repartee. People who take themselves too seriously are no fun and it’s double trouble when they’re relatives. I remember being told a long time ago that “you can pick your nose, you can pick your friend’s nose, but you can’t pick your relatives.” It remains true today.
So this morning as I was surfing the Net I discovered websites that were actually dedicated to what have been termed “unfunny” or “anti-jokes. What kind of person takes time out of their busy day and a great deal of time each week in maintaining and promoting a website that’s totally effing ridiculous. These are supposedly jokes that are so unfunny that they become funny. Statements like that irritate the crap out of me and people making those statements must assume we’re all as dumb as they look.
Here are few samples of these anti-jokes and even after reading through hundreds of them, I just don’t see the point. Life is way too short to spend time with this nonsense. I’ll give you a few examples and then I’m going to walk away and never look back on this posting or their stupid web sites ever again.
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Why did the boy drop his ice cream?
Because he was hit by a bus.
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Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I have a gun.
Get in the van.
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An Irishman walks out of a bar.
What’s green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.
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A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
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What would George Washington do if he were alive today?
Scream and scratch at the top of his coffin.
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A horse walked into a bar. Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger in the situation.
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What is the biggest lie in the entire universe?
” I have read and agree to the Terms of Service”
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A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
Well, do you think they’re stupid and offensive or is it just me. Maybe they do appeal to you and if so, you have my sincerest sympathies. I need laughter in my life from humor that is funny. It can be dark and morbid and still be hilarious. But to quote one of my favorite comedians, Ron White, “You just can’t fix stupid”.
LAUGH A LITTLE TODAY
If your experiences in life are anything like mine have been there’s always someone available to offer advice, both good and bad. Usually without you even asking. Every one thinks they’re some kind of philosopher and never hesitate to show you just how smart they think they are. It can be annoying as hell but every once in a while the proverbial blind man can find that pearl of wisdom. Unfortunately you’ll probably be forced to listen to a few dozen inane and stupid statements to get to the one that would really mean something.
My father and grandfather’s had an endless supply of what they thought were inspirational messages. “Don’t pee or spit into the wind.” and “Don’t tug on Superman’s cape.” immediately come to mind. A special thanks to Jim Croce for supplying my Dad with that one.
I began looking around the Net for more material on this subject but was soon overwhelmed with possibilities. Some of the following messages and quotes, and thoughts came from celebrities, politicians, and as always my favorite, Anonymous. I’ve removed the names of the authors because it the message that counts not who wrote it. You should be able to figure a few of them out if you give it some thought. Here we go.
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“Some days you’re the dog, some days you’re the hydrant.”
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”The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.”
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”It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.”
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”Your garbage disposal eats better than 30% of the people in this world.”
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”Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?”
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”Never do card tricks for your poker buddies.”
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”To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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Beware of the toes you step on today. They could be attached to the ass you may have to kiss tomorrow.”
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“Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity.”
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“The only normal people are the ones that you don’t know very well.”
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“What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul.”
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“If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia.”
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“A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.”
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“If you want to leave footprints in the sands of time, don’t drag your feet.”
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“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”
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“The harder you fall, the higher you bounce.”
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“I prefer to be a pessimist; it makes it easier to deal with my inevitable failure.”
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“Who is more foolish? The fool or the fool that follows him?”
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“To be ignorant of one’s ignorance is the malady of the ignorant.”
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“A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.”
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“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
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“Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you’re going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love.”
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“Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you are right.”
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“Never test the depth of the water with both feet.”
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“Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.”
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“If you lend someone $25 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.”
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“Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.”
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“The difference between erotic and kinky is that one uses a feather, the other uses the whole chicken.”
Pick a few out that you like and memorize them. That way when you’re philosophizing for others you’ll have something to impress them with. You do know we all do it, all of the time, Right?
If you ever move to Maine one of your favorite words will soon become the word SUCK. All forms of the word apply to so many things here you’re forced into learning how to use it properly. Follow along and learn just how versatile the word can be.
This SUCKY Maine winter continues but unfortunately for me I seem to be caught in a bad SUCK cycle right now. Did you ever have times where things start going wrong and just SUCK. They say that bad things come in threes but I’m no longer a believer in that old wives tale. For me 2014 has started on an ominous note where bad things came in groups or CLUSTER SUCKS.
My favorite computer on which I do all of my writing and photography has decided to start SUCKING. It contains my life as it currently exists which goes to show how bad my life SUCKS as well. As sad as that sounds this computer never has issues because I’ve protected it from viruses, mal-ware, and anything else I could think of. It’s been as reliable as any I’ve ever owned. Then I made the mistake of permitting an update to install from good old SUCKY Apple ITunes. Now I SUCK for being that stupid. From that point on my computer’s registry was damaged causing lots of SUCKY error messages that I’ve been unsuccessful in fixing. I’ve read everything and tried everything with no luck. I just wanted to scream but had no one to scream at. That SUCKS!
My next adventure began soon after the SUCKING computer nightmare. I was awakened two nights ago and my bedroom felt like the inside of a freezer. Someone who shall remain nameless and whose responsibility has always been keeping the house supplied with heating oil, dropped the ball. No heating oil during a cold week in Maine in the middle of Winter is the definition of SUCKING. Fortunately we have an oil delivery company that was able to respond within 24 hours and refilled the tank. For a change they didn’t SUCK. You’d think that our problems had been solved but not quite. When things begin to SUCK it then comes contagious.
It seems when a oil tank goes empty the new oil causes a vapor lock in the feeder line and won’t permit any to flow properly until the line has been cleared. That I’ve come to find out just SUCKS. In past years when this problem occurred it required an emergency service call that lasted only fifteen minutes and cost $150.00. That not only SUCKS but it’s also borderline extortion. The better-half and I immediately decided that we’d try to correct the problem ourselves this time around. After calling on informational resources from SEMI-SUCKY friends and a few SUCKY YouTube videos, an hour and three hundred SUCKY curse words later we had our heat back on. Good news, right? Not hardly. That’s an hour of my life I can’t afford to lose and that SUCKS.
Two hours later on this calm Maine winter night with no wind gusts, no ice storms, no sleet or any other related weather issues we lost all of our electric power in the house for some unknown but SUCKY reason. Since we live in an area where cell phones have difficulty receiving a signal we were stuck sitting in the dark and bitching to one another. That made for a really SUCKY few minutes of conversation, for sure. It was a double SUCKING kick in the ass because we have a whole-house generator that should have kicked on immediately. Guess what? It didn’t freaking work and that SUCKED.
We’re now back and operational but who needs the constant stress of SUCKY crap like this? Now every time the wind blows I’ll be holding my breath waiting for the power to fail with no operating generator. That will definitely SUCK once again when that repair bill arrives. If this is any indication of how the remainder of 2014 is going to be, we are screwed.
2014 SUCKS THE BIG ONE SO FAR
The groundhog is like most other prophets; it delivers its prediction and then disappears. ~Bill Vaughn
Today is one of my favorite stupid and senseless holidays. It’s one that was cooked up by a bunch of German immigrants from Pennsylvania many years ago. As I’ve explained in years past, I’ve had an up-close and personal relationship with “Phil” and all of the nonsense that takes place in Punxatawney, PA.
It’s a tongue-in-cheek celebration to the entire world except for a few idiot local politician’s looking to get some face-time on the news. Even a groundhog is smart enough to know that there’ll be six more weeks of winter when it’s only freaking February.
As I surfed around today I found a web page that must be having a really slow month when it published the following list of eleven reasons why we should be celebrating this auspicious occasion.
11. It’s on nearly every calendar.
10. Helps relieve cabin fever.
9. Spring or not, it’s six weeks till St Urho’s Day.
8. Forecast is no less reliable than the National Weather Service.
7. At least one of them critters is bound to see things your way.
6. Valentine’s Day is too depressing for nerds.
5. Unlike the Easter bunny, he keeps his dirty paws outside.
4. As they used to say on radio: “The Shadow knows”.
3. It’s fun to say “Punxsutawney”.
2. If a rodent can bring us an early spring, more power to him.
1. In Minnesota, either way we come out ahead.
Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you. ~Maori Proverb
I apologize if you nodded off midway through that list. I’m not saying I could have done better but OMG. I think the author might have reconsidered that list when both of his hands fell asleep as he typed it. They were that bored. It is just a real yawner . . . . .
“The trouble with weather forecasting is that it’s right too often for us to ignore it and wrong too often for us to rely on it.” ~Patrick Young
I know that many of you think Groundhog Day is lame but this year the impossible finally happened to make it unlame. Some NFL genius scheduled the Superbowl on Ground Hog Day just so they could steal some of good old “Punxatawney Phil’s” thunder. It’s just those damn sports fanatics attempting to glom on to Phil’s fan base. Just a shameless maneuver on their part.
HAPPY GROUND HOG DAY EVERYONE
SEATTLE RULES!!
I’m a former Vet who is now in his sixties and I fondly remember most of my service time both in the United States and overseas. I received the following email from my nephew in Texas, also a former Vet, and it made me laugh out loud. The fact that some of it makes good sense is beside the point. I did a little editing to clean it up some and here it is. I’m considering sending a copy to Mr. Obama. He’s always looking for a good program or two to shove through Congress. I use the terminology “shove through” in the most respectful way, of course.
Send to All Vets over 60 Years Old
I‘m over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I’m too old to track down terrorists. You currently can’t be older than 42 to join the military. They’ve got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they should be sending us old guys. You shouldn’t be able to join a military unit until you’re at least 35.
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven’t lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. “My back hurts! I can’t sleep, I’m tired and hungry”, we’re impatient and maybe letting us kill a few assholes that desperately deserve it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old hates getting up before 10 a.m while us old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, “I’m tired and can’t sleep and since I’m already up, I may as well be up and killing some of those fanatical S-O-B’s.”
If captured, we couldn’t spill the beans because we’d forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We’re used to getting screamed and yelled at and we’re used to soft food. We’ve also developed an appreciation for guns. We’ve been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house and away from all the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course as well. I’ve been in combat and have never seen a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor have I ever done any pushups since completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy too. I’ve never seen anyone yet who could outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He’s still learning to shave, to start up a conversations with pretty girls and he has yet to figure out that a baseball cap has a brim used to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them into harm’s way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowardly terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons coming towards them. A gang of old mean men who know their best years are already behind them. Look out.
P.S. How about recruiting Women over 50 especially those in menopause. You think men have bad attitudes, OMFG. If nothing else, put them on border patrol, they’ll have it secured the first night.
Yikes!
In the past I’ve been known to take a few potshots at politicians, both local and federal. I don’t ever intend to stop doing that but in all fairness I thought I’d quote a few presidents of both parties to show all of you that stupidity and wiseassiness is endemic to both.
I think it’s fairly obvious in this day and age that the office of the presidency has lost some of it’s sparkle. We no longer assume that any president has all the answers or in some cases has any answers. They’re just regular people who were for some reason elected into an extremely important office and they spend most of their time trying not look stupid. Unfortunately for us the majority of the time they’re not very successful.
I’m listing these quotations in no particular order. I think it’s only fair that I leave the Presidents speak for themselves so you can make your own judgments.
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“Even though most people agree… I’m presenting a fair deal, the fact that they don’t take it means that I should somehow do a Jedi mind-meld with these folks and convince them to do what’s right.” —President Obama, mixing up Star Wars and Star Trek references while discussing working with Republicans in Congress (March 1, 2013)
”I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes.” —Richard Nixon
‘‘Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren’t able to practice their love with women all across this country.”—President George W. Bush, Sept. 6, 2004
”Did you ever think that making a speech on economics is a lot like pissing down your leg? It seems hot to you, but it never does to anyone else.” —Lyndon Johnson
“Some years ago I became president of Columbia University and learned within 24 hours to be ready to speak at the drop of a hat, and I learned something more, the trustees were expected to be ready to speak at the passing of the hat.” – Dwight D. Eisenhower
”I think this is the most extraordinary collection of talent, of human knowledge, that has ever been gathered together at the White House, with the possible exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined alone.” —President John Kennedy, at a dinner honoring Nobel Prize winners of the Western Hemisphere, the White House, April 29, 1962
‘‘Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.” —Ronald Reagan
”If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: ‘President Can’t Swim.” —Lyndon Johnson
”If I had to name my greatest strength, I guess it would be my humility. Greatest weakness, it’s possible that I’m a little too awesome.” —Barack Obama, at the 2008 Al Smith Dinner
”My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.” —President Jimmy Carter
”Being president is like running a cemetery: you’ve got a lot of people under you and nobody’s listening.” —Bill Clinton
”He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas better than any man I ever met.” —Abraham Lincoln, referring to a lawyer
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I don’t see anything all that impressive in this posting which doesn’t surprise me in the least. Presidents are just as silly and stupid as the rest of us except they dress better and have a nicer place to live. Hopefully “We the People” will never take them as seriously as they seem to take themselves, that could be a serious mistake.
You must have gathered by now, I’m not a big fan of celebrities. Most celebrities just aren’t worth my time and effort to write about them. I’m not saying all of them are fake but a vast majority appear to be. I do understand that some of them, and I do mean “SOME”, are talented in various disciplines and that I do appreciate. My biggest complaint is their effect on the culture with their stupid and uninformed opinions and thoughts. They may have talent and fame but it doesn’t make them any smarter than the rest of us. They allow themselves to be used by politicians to affect the vote in ways that I disagree with. Their influence among our younger generations with silly and sometimes stupid statements causes more problems than it solves. Here’s a few examples of these fine upstanding citizens and the things they say and think.
- “Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.”
– Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.
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“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.” – Mariah Carey
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“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.” – Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
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“I’ve never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don’t like eating fish. And I know that’s very popular out there in Africa.” — Britney Spears
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“I’m not anorexic. I’m from Texas. Are there people from Texas that are anorexic? I’ve never heard of one. And that includes me.” — Jessica Simpson
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“I am convinced that by eating biological foods it is possible to avoid a tumor.” – Gwyneth Paltrow
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“It’s OK to have beliefs, just don’t believe in them.” – Guy Ritchie
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“What’s Walmart, do they like make walls there?” – Paris Hilton
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“When I pictured heroin, I pictured some crazy crack-head with no shoes under a bridge. You never think that is going to be you. And it never was me. I was never under a bridge, and I always had shoes. – Nicole Richie
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“If we do everything right, if we do it with absolute certainty, there’s still a 30% chance we’re going to get it wrong.” – Joe Biden
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“It’s really hard to maintain a one-on-one relationship if the other person is not going to allow me to be with other people.” – Axl Rose
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“All of the sudden, you’re like the Bin Laden of America. Osama Bin Laden is the only one who knows what I’m going through.” – R. Kelly
These are the role models our younger generations look up to and attempt to emulate. I always thought that the obsession with celebrities faded as we aged but I was wrong. I recall years ago teasing my seventy year old mother when she said she would have thrown her panties on stage for Tom Jones. Same obsession, different approach.
I guess I just dislike fake people. If you’re a great singer or actor with loads of talent why change your name. Stand up, be proud, and be who you really are. Here’s a list of just a few celebrities who’ve been convinced by the Hollywood types to not just change their names but to remove their real identities as people. This is a very small sampling of this nonsense.
Pat Benatar = Patricia Andrejewski
Bono = Paul Hewson
Alice Cooper = Vincent Funnier
Elvis Costello = Declan Patrick McManus
Tom Cruise = Thomas Cruise Mapother IV
Vin Diesel = Mark Vincent
Kathie Lee Gifford = Kathie Epstein
Whoopie Goldberg = Caryn Johnson
Ice Cube = Oshea Jackson
Ice-T = Tracy Morrow
Elton John = Reginald Dwight
Wynonna Judd = Christina Ciminella
Queen Latifah = Dana Owens
Courtney Love = Michelle Harrison
Elle MacPherson = Eleanor Gow
Barry Manilow = Barry Alan Pincus
Marilyn Manson = Brian
Demi Moore = Demetria Guynes
Joan Rivers = Joan Sandra Molinsky
Johnny Rotten (Sex Pistols) = John Lydon
Winona Ryder = Winona Horowitz
Susan Sarandon = Susan Tomaling
Jane Seymour = Joyce Franked berg
Sting = Gordon Sumner
Randy Travis = Randy Traywick
Sid Vicious = John Simon Ritchie
Raquel Welch = Raquel Tejada
Gene Wilder = Jerome Silberman
Tammy Wynette = Wynette Pugh
What kind of person so easily gives up their real name? How do their other family members feel about it? I have a feeling in some close-knit families this could become a major problem and create a lot of hard feelings. I know if I had a son or daughter talented enough to be given that choice, they’d keep their name and be damn proud of it. Just ask the Wahlberg brothers or the Baldwin family. Proud of who they are and not ashamed to admit it.
A long time ago in a blog that is now far, far, away I posted a four part list of the one hundred things I hated the most. I spent a lot of time compiling that list and after posting it I went on about my life. I never thought much more about it until yesterday when I spotted a few websites indicating everyone is hating something these days. After reading through almost a hundred lists I had an epiphany. All of a sudden I seemed like the calm, reserved, and thoughtful person and the rest of the world appears populated by a new generation of haters. Some how I’d been dropped very far down the list of haters and that pissed me off a little.
I took a sampling of a few things that seem to show up on many of the lists including my own. I’ll list a few to give you an idea exactly what I’m talking about.
Know-It-All’s
People Who talk Over You
Google Obsessed People
People Who Don’t Get Sarcasm
Tyra Banks
STD’s
Back Seat Drivers
Web Page Ads
Discourteous Public Bathroom Users
Liars
Loud People
Politicians
Commercials
Procrastinators
Drama Queens
Evangelists
Bad Drivers
OBX Stickers
Global Warming Idiots
Mimes
Some of those items are funny, some seem to make good sense but most are just ho-hum or so it seems to me. Since “I HATE” being left behind I thought it would be cool if I brought my list back from the archives, updated it a bit, and send it your way. After going through that process I discovered that I’ve mellowed a great deal in the intervening years and my list has shrunk to only 52 items. I was forced to revaluate the old list with the eye of a retired person. Many things that used to piss me off no longer bother me at all. It’s all just slightly amusing to me at this point in time.
So, here’s my newly revised list. It’s a very cathartic process doing a large list like this, you should try it yourself. Don’t be afraid, no one will really HATE you for doing it. Just don’t use any real names and your good to go. So here I go.
Stupid People
Rosie O’Donnell
Unibrow Women
Homeless People
Dirty Finger Nails
Criminals
Funerals
Backward Baseball Caps
Large Groups of People
Penn & Teller
Dumb Cashiers
Stinky Feet
Hairy Bushes
Terrorists
Know-It-All’s
Hospitals
Oprah Winfrey
Will Ferrell
The Smell of Urine
Women Missing Teeth
Political Correctness
Liberals
Boogers
Clowns
Liars
Ear Hair
Doctors
Large Aureoles
Dirty Toilets
Roadside Death Shrines.
Extra Toes
Nose Hair
Jehovah Witnesses
Salesmen
Vegans
Ass Kissers
Autopsy’s
Stinky Breath
Illegal Aliens
Democrats
Wet Farts
Performing Artists
Ugly Feet
Sean Penn
Stinky Garbage
Arrogant People
Inverted Nipples
Noisy Radios
The French
Hairy Nipples (On Women)
Yellow Nail Polish
Gossips
Baby Pageants
Texting While Driving
Granny Panties
Penis Caught in Zipper
Tail Gater’s, Stinky Arm Pits
You’ve been the recipient of the Official Every Useless Thing Hate List for 2014. Make up your own list. Once you get start listing it becomes almost a living thing. You just keep on going and going and going and you have to force yourself to stop.
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