Do you love going to the dentist like I do? I’ll bet you don’t, because most people would rather do anything than have strangers with their hands in your mouth drilling and poking and prodding and all of the associated fun of dental visits. I spent much more of my life in the dentist’s chair than I ever thought possible starting when I was 14 years old and had most of my front teeth knocked out while playing in a backyard football game. That was back in the day before mouthguards were even something anyone knew about, and it only cost me about six teeth and a lifetime of partial plates and dentist visits. You put forth what effort you must to maintain a reasonable appearance because as we all know bad teeth are not going to attract the opposite sex. Over the centuries there have been some strange superstitions about teeth. Some may be true and others ridiculous and here they are . . .
Don’t trust people with pointed teeth regardless of how charming they are! You never know, vampires traditionally have pointed teeth and it’s best not to take any chances.
People with obvious spaces between their teeth will be lucky, wealthy, and widely traveled. This was a common belief before orthodontists.
People who have well-placed teeth with no gaps have fine singing voices.
People with protruding teeth will live a short life. Remember, these were the days before braces.
Breaking a tooth is a sure sign a friend will die.
Those of you who have teeth with few cavities have a good deal of sexual strength. If you have teeth susceptible to cavities, you are prone to sexual weakness.
It’s bad luck to count the teeth of a baby. But if a baby is born with teeth, he or she will be a famous adult but only if you don’t count them.
It’s bad luck for a man with false teeth to marry a woman with false teeth. The marriage will be unhappy.
The ancients had a number of talismans to avoid a toothache. Split open a nutshell. Dig out the meat but be careful to keep the two halves intact. Put a dead spider in one half and close up the shell. Hang it around your neck on a string and you will never have another toothache.
Always carry a wolf’s tooth with you. You will never get a toothache.
Last but not least, if you cut your fingernails on a Friday, you will not have a toothache for a month.
There you have it, the wisdom of the ages concerning teeth. There’s only one thing I know for certain. If I had all of the money I’ve spent on my teeth, I could’ve bought that Lamborghini that remains on my bucket list.
I was awakened at 2:30 this morning by one of those annoying Mother Nature calls. I visited her briefly and upon returning to my bed, tried to fall back asleep. During those few minutes of half-sleep some of the words of the following limerick popped into my head. I made a quick note in my cell phone and went to sleep. This morning a did a little editing and the finished limerick was born. I have absolutely no idea where or why it came to me but here it is. This is for all of you limerick and nursery rhyme aficionados.
❤JACK & JILL❤
Jack and Jill climbed up a hill on Nantucket.
He brought a few condoms and she an old bucket.
The bucket was tossed, and Jill’s virginity was lost,
You mentioned number freaking a few times over the past few years and it still fascinates me. The statistics and information compiled by number for readers boggles the mind or at least my mind. Their calculations are out there a little bit but interesting, nonetheless. Here are a few to tickle your fancy.
Theoretically you would have 4.72 sextillion bacteria in your body within 24 hours of being infection by a bug.
It would take 587 ticks simultaneously sucking to suck a man dry.
The average flow of water over Niagara Falls is 1,585,032 US gallons per second. It would take Niagara Falls 119 years, 293 days, to fill all five of the Great Lakes.
It is estimated that 45,000 Americans are injured by toilets every year. That calculates out to one injury every 18 minutes, 12 seconds.
A recent TV ad for a chain of optometrists claimed we each capture 24 million images with our eyes in a lifetime. Life expectancy in the US is approximately 77 years which calculates out to 101.2 seconds per image over the course of a lifetime.
There are about 109 million US households. The total amount spent by US advertisers every year is about $248 billion, of which the amount spent annually on TV advertisement is about $57 billion. That calculates TV advertising to approximately $522.94 household.
Approximately 152,467 square miles of the United States has been urbanized.
A wireless network across all of urbanized America would cost approximately 1 dollar per week per household. It would cost approximately $22.87 billion to operate such a network.
A golf course uses the same amount of freshwater as a town of 12,000 people.
On average a person will drink 31,996.52 quarts of water in a lifetime. With an average bathtub holding 528.34 quarts of water, you would be able to fill 60.56 bathtubs.
The land area in the United States, excluding lakes, is 3,536,294 square miles. If suddenly and without warning all of America’s convicted prisoners were to escape and disperse themselves equally across the country, each felon would require 1.66 square miles of land.
This is what happens when I have a slow news day and a lack of motivation to post. I’ll throw a few more of number freaking calculations your way as time goes on and I find some that are titillating.
It’s Tuesday morning and I just finished my first cup of coffee which by the way didn’t help one bit. I’m still tired because I haven’t been sleeping well for about a week. My latest addiction is haunting me through the nighttime hours and happily it’s over today. I wish I could explain how weird my dreams have become for the last week. Fortunately for me I can’t remember every graphic detail because they are so freaky. They have the ability to stay alive in my head long after I’ve gone to sleep, and it makes for one God awful night.
Enough with this cryptic nonsense, for the last week I’ve been watching all seven movies of the SAW series. For seven nights the last thing I see before going to bed has been one solid hour of extremely detailed and graphic violence. What’s a little mayhem, bloodletting, and chopped off limbs among friends? On top of all of that my fear of clowns has been reinvigorated.
It’s even having an effect on my recreational abilities. I’ve been working on an exceptionally difficult jigsaw puzzle and just sitting in a dark and quiet house focusing totally on that puzzle has me looking over my shoulder and jumping at every sound the house continues to make. Up until a week ago I had only seen the first movie of the series. I thought it was gory, scary, and all of those things you expect in a horror movie. I certainly don’t recommend binge watching seven hours of what the SAW series brings to the screen. It is nice to know that a lot of Hollywood’s actors and actresses were probably lining up around the block so they can be butchered and killed in a SAW movie.
I’ve been described by some as being cynical. Name calling aside, I feel I’m more of a pragmatist than a cynic. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, and free to voice it on this blog. But be aware that a response from me is almost always immediately forthcoming. I only ask for accuracy. It’s easy to throw words around but make sure you know what the hell you’re talking about. As you’ve probably guessed I’m responding to a rather pompous ass of a reader who I can only assume doesn’t understand the English language. I could be as profane as he was, but profanity isn’t always the way to go. I’ll give him credit where credit is due, he knows a lot of profanity but not how to use it effectively. He criticized almost everything I’ve had to say about anything. He’s down on government but primarily against those people who dare to speak the truth about the government and its political leanings. Everything is a “vast right-wing conspiracy” or so says his favorite genius, Hilary.
It’s time for my first English class to begin and the secret word for today is “Pessimism”. For my profane reader this basically describes you. You hate everything and nothing is the way it ought to be. Read on my moronic friend and maybe you’ll learn something. I did say MAYBE!
“If it weren’t for the optimist, the pessimist wouldn’t know how happy he isn’t.”
“How happy are the pessimists! What joy is theirs when they have proved there is no joy.”
“A pessimist is one who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both.”
“A pessimist is one who suspects the sincerity of other pessimists.”
“A pessimist is a man with a difficulty for every solution.”
“A true pessimist feels bad when he feels good for fear, he’ll feel worse when he feels better.”
Just sitting here this morning with three layers of clothes on and my feet still feel like blocks of ice. We decided to turn off the heat two weeks ago to save a few bucks when we thought “Spring had Sprung”, but we should’ve known better. Wrong again. Never let it be said that Maine doesn’t fail to deliver on crappy weather. So here I sit at my computer with my little space heater preparing to supply you with some straight facts you didn’t know you needed to know. Here they are . . .
The world’s oldest surviving recipe is a formula for making beer. It was discovered outside Baghdad in 1850 on a 3800-year-old Sumerian clay tablet.
A fetus acquires fingerprints by the end of the first trimester.
In 2003, the personal fortune of JK Rowling, best-selling British author of the widely popular Harry Potter books, surpassed that of the Queen of England.
Voltaire, the French philosopher, novelist, and ardent atheist, once held up the Bible and proclaimed, “In 100 years this book will be forgotten, eliminated.” Less than 50 years after his death, the Geneva Bible Society bought his house in order to produce and distribute Bibles.
You can in fact get cooties. Cooties are lice.
George Clooney once vowed never to remarry or have children, but Michelle Pfeiffer and Nicole Kidman each bet $10,000 that he’d be a father by age 40. On Clooney’s 40th birthday (May 6, 2001), the actresses conceded defeat and sent their checks. Clooney returned their money, betting double or nothing that he wouldn’t have any kids before turning 50.
Cigars are called “stogies” because pioneer drivers of Conestoga covered wagons made in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, preferred the long, cheap cigars available in that region. Over time, “Conestoga” was shortened to “stogie.”
The term “What in tarnation!” derives from the expression “What in eternal damnation!”
The percentage of American men who say they’d marry the same woman if they had to do it all over again: 80%. The percentage of American women who say the same: 50%.
There are 2,598,960 possible hands in Texas Hold ‘Em.
Let’s start this silly post with another really stupid headline. I’ve always wondered how much the headline writer’s get paid and are they ever fired for these kinds of mistakes. They probably never get fired; they’re usually promoted to Editor.
COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES
Let us move onto another of my favorite categories, Retro Bumper Stickers. I’m pretty sure my better-half still has the second one on her current car.
YOU! Out of the gene pool!
Don’t Drink and Drive – You Might Spill Your Beer.
As always, I like throwing a quote into the mix. Here’s a pearl of wisdom from Coco Chanel, one of the hottest women ever (in her 20’s & 30’s).
Her Best Look!
“The most courageous act is still to think for yourself. Aloud.”
And last but not least, an honorable mention to another of our favorite stupid criminals.
NOT ALL THERE
Oklahoma City – Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court when he fired his lawyer. The Assistant District Attorney said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, “I should have blown your [expletive] head off.” The defendant paused, then quickly added, “-if I’d been the one that was there.” The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommend a 30-year sentence.
Now that Mother’s Day has come and gone, let’s look into something a bit more musical. Everyone seems to love music of one sort or another, so why don’t we all try to enjoy some music related limericks.
I’ve worked in a retail environment on a number of occasions during my somewhat illustrious career. Here are a few weird facts about retail related businesses and people. I know they may seem hard to believe but trust me when I say these are just the tip of the iceberg for weirdness. Enjoy . . .
Prostitution is legal in Germany; however, income from prostitution is taxed at a slightly higher rate than income from other occupations.
One in 10 Europeans was conceived on an IKEA bed, according to the company.
There are more copies of the IKEA catalog printed each year than the Bible.
The average child recognizes more than 200 company logos by the time they enter elementary school.
One in four homeless people in South Korea has a credit card.
There are approximately 18,000,000 items for sale at any given moment on eBay.
There are approximately $680 worth of eBay transactions every second.
The Malaysian government has banned car commercials featuring Brad Pitt because they are “an insult to Asians.”
First Starbucks opened in Seattle in 1971 at 2000 Western Ave., across.
from the historic Pike Place Market.
A Romanian taxi driver says his business has swelled since he started playing pornographic films in his cab for his customers.
According to market research firm NPD Fashionworld, 50% of all lingerie purchases are returned to the store.
The world’s first bra made completely of chocolate has gone on sale in Austria.
A Serbian tie maker is planning to launch a new range of penis cravats for the man who has everything.
A Colombian airline has promised free flights for life to any baby born on board one of their planes.
The first naked flight was made in 2003 carrying 87 passengers from Miami, Florida, to Cancun, Mexico.
💟💟💟💟💟
HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO ALL OF YOU MOTHERS OUT THERE
The title of the post tells you everything you need to know. I love wordplay, making puns, finding palindromes, and using words that are rarely heard anymore. Word play can be fun and here are a few fun facts for your files.
Do you know how to tell the difference between morons, imbeciles, and Idiots? Morons – IQ 51 to 70, Imbeciles – IQ 26 to 50, and Idiots – IQ 0-25.
The words tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous are the only four words in the modern English language that end in “dous”.
There are no words that rhyme with orange.
If “off” means to deactivate, what happens when the alarm goes off?
Dr. Seuss is credited with the first use of the word “nerd” in print, from his 1950 book If I Ran the Zoo.
The word “Mountweazels” concerns spurious entries or fake words used to catch copyright cheaters.
The term “Tattarrattat” was coined by James Joyce in his novel Ulysses for a knock on the door. It also happens to be the longest palindrome in the Oxford English Dictionary.
“The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep is sick” is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
These six words have no accepted singular forms. Pajamas, Shorts, Jeans, Tights, Trousers, and Glasses.
“Floccinaucinihilipilification” is the longest real word (29 letters) in the Oxford English Dictionary.
I’ll keep searching for more of these and as I find them, I’ll post them. Language can be fun in so many ways. How cool is it to use the language properly to insult some clueless person who insists on irritating you and them not realizing what you meant.
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