Archive for the ‘Kill Me, I’m Begging You’ Category
Nemo is dead, long live the king. The final tally for our area of Maine was approximately 38 inches of snow and one hell of a wind storm. We have a few drifts of five or six feet but nothing more serious than that. It could have been a whole lot worse.
After all of the snow-blowing today I won’t be able to left my arms tomorrow. I think I’ve finally bonded with this new snow-thrower, it’s now my BFF. It took a good part of the day to clear the driveway and then more disappointment. There was so much snow on the roads that the plows weren’t able to arrive until late afternoon. Even then they were only able to clear one lane in the middle of the road.
I’m hoping they’re able to widen the lanes a little more so we an get out of here for a while tomorrow. Even the birds were having serious issues trying to hang onto the bird feeder in a thirty-five mph wind. Not only were they fighting amongst themselves for the food but also fighting for a place on the bird feeder that offered some protection from the wind.
Our neighbors were out in force in mid-afternoon as the snow gradually stopped. It was nice to see everyone helping each other for a change in a neighborhood where individual privacy is the norm.
My better-half spent a lot of time emailing and connecting with family members from areas unaffected by the storm. She was also distributing photo’s far and wide to almost everyone. I feel for anyone who might have been caught in this blizzard with vehicle problems or medical emergencies. This kind of weather is definitely life threatening if not taken seriously.
The only good news for most of the state was the low number of power outages. We managed to escape the massive outages suffered in past storms due to a great deal of work by tree trimming crews throughout the summer months who cut down what would have been snow laden branches. Kudos to Central Maine Power and the local towns whose preventative work paid off in a big way.
I’ll be spending a few hours tomorrow in the final cleanup and then life will return to normal. I’m been hearing rumblings of another storm approaching in a few days and I hope to God it’s a little less of a problem than this one.
Everyone will be back to work tomorrow and life goes on. I’m really proud of myself because if what the media says is true (sarcasm), I’ve just survived my thirteenth "Storm of the Century". I think I should get some kind of honorable mention somewhere in that Guinness Book of World Records.
I won’t hold my breath though. Enjoy your day while I return to the cleanup.
Another "Storm of the Century" is upon us and since this is the third one in the last twelve months I guess we should all be hiding in the root cellar (if we had one). Weather forecasters in Maine don’t do much more than repeat whatever is relayed from the National Weather Service and then hope for the best. Maine is so lame at times they look for any excuse to exaggerate the facts and use all the panic inducing buzz words to scare the crap out of the uninformed.
Having lived in Maine for more than ten years I thought there could be no surprises left for me. I’m able to translate their weather speech almost immediately and then go on about my business. Unfortunately I underestimated them again.
My better-half arrived home from work and immediately began explaining to me the grand weather controversy being discussed by the local media. They seemed to be all pissed off that the National Weather Service has begun naming large snow storms as they do for hurricanes. Maine is such an important place in the grand scheme of things (sarcasm) that they feel they should be permitted to name their own storms. I hate to even think what those names might be. Something really sophisticated yet down to earth (more sarcasm) like Matthew, Mark, Luke, or John. They may be right in their thinking however because who in their right mind would name a storm Nemo? Only the all seeing, godlike government of the United States could be that lame.
After giving it some thought my better-half and I decided that the so-called Maine weather experts really shouldn’t be permitted to name them either. So effective immediately this “Storm of the Century” will be named by the two of us. Let’s just call him JOHNSON. Read into that what you will you bunch of perverts. We ended this terrible controversy in less than two minutes with no help from either the government or the state of Maine’s weather idiots. Come on JOHNSON.
Now on to something really important. I had to go to the dentist today. A trip to the dentist for me is always an adventure since the age of 13 when playing sand lot football my best friend knocked most of my front teeth out. That required two bridges and a few false teeth which have plagued me ever since. My mouth is similar to having a old car and it requires much more maintenance. I could have bought at least three new cars over the years with what I spent on dental work. My dentist’s office is a family concern with my dentist the father, the hygienist is his ex-wife, and the dental assistant/receptionist is their daughter. Over the years I’ve become good friends with them all and it’s been a real hoot but the bottom line never changes. As nice as they all are I still hate going to the effing dentist.
After injecting me with enough Novocain to keep my face numb for a week he proceeds to do what I hate the most, drilling my teeth. The sound of that high-speed drill makes my skin crawl and if I never heard it again it would be too damn soon. Also if he honestly thinks that shooting cold water down my throat is helping me breathe he’s very much mistaken. Not only is my face numb but I think he’s subconsciously trying to drown me.
After a few kind words and a pat on the head I was escorted to the door, given a new tooth brush, and my next appointment date. Thanks for nothing Doc. I drove straight to the closest Dunkin Donut where I ordered a hot coffee and a sandwich. As I left their parking lot I took a quick bite of the sandwich and that was mistake number one. My mouth was still so numb I almost bit off the end of my tongue. I was forced to pullover to compose myself and check for damage. A few miles and a few dozen curse words later I opened the coffee container, took a giant swig, and burned the shit out of my mouth and tongue. I also scorched my crotch a bit when I spilled the coffee there too. I finally arrived home, sat down in a nice soft chair and refused to eat or drink anything until the feeling returned to my mouth and tongue.
How can people think storm JOHNSON is the big deal. It’s all about me and my trip to the dentist. People are so self-involved at times.
I’ve arrived at this point in my life where TV is becoming more of an irritant than entertainment. Between the endless commercials, drug ads, biased politicians, and government propaganda, I’m reading to scream. Recently I listened to three of those infamous talking heads on the tube telling me that video gaming is responsible for all the ills of the world. As Don Imus would say, “that’s a pant load”.
In past years I’ve posted long lists of things I love and things I hate. They’re always fun to do and also a great mental exercise. I find that as I’ve aged my mind is slowly folding in on itself and beginning to stagnate. Old memories can easily take over and consume my thoughts which while fun at times is ultimately destructive. Keeping mentally alert and mentally active is the secret to living a longer life that is actually worth living.
These last few years convinced me of those facts as I watched my mother and aunt slowly fade away and die. My mother lasted a bit longer mentally than her sister but died sooner. My aunt was suffering from an affliction which may have been Alzheimer’s where she mentally faded away quickly but her body just kept on going. I realize that there are some things we can’t combat and I am realistic enough to accept that and move on. I also believe there are things we can do to fight off the effects of mental aging with a regimen of mental and physical exercises. It will help greatly to keep you mentally in the present for a much longer period of time.
I’ve been a game player, both computer and other types, for all of my life. With the advent of video games and HD I was in heaven. I know there are a lot of people in this country and elsewhere who would like nothing better than to control gaming and through the games control us. I’ve never believed that violent games lead to violent behavior. It’s easy to do the math and realize that millions of people play these games everyday but aren’t the least bit violent. Unfortunately there are unstable people in this world who choose to do violence to others. It’s not the games or guns that are the problem but mental instability. Take all of the guns away then they’ll try and kill people with whatever else is at hand.
I’m getting off message here a bit and ranting about gun control is not what I’m posting about. Video games provide me with improved hand-eye coordination, problem solving capabilities, and the ability to focus that if not maintained can fade with age.
I get strange looks from people my own age when I excitedly tell them of a new video game I’m involved with. I get those looks that say, “grow up, that stuff is for kids not someone your age”. It’s that kind of backward thinking that tends to piss me off and makes me a little crazy. Maintaining a full physical program in a gym is fine for some people but not to everyone. As you age your body isn’t always able to perform like it did when you were twenty, no matter how hard you try to push it. I’ve resigned myself to doing as much physical training as I’m able but even more important to me is exercising my mind.
To those folks out there who insist they have all the answers I can only say this. You don’t! We each grow up, age, and die at our own pace so just stay out of my life and let me handle it. I never thought I would get to be this age and would have so many know-it-all politicians and religious groups interested in baby-sitting me and second guessing my every move. I guess it will finally stop when someone slams my coffin lid shut. Here are my words of wisdom for today and I’m sure they would certainly help our country return to it’s former greatness.
STAY OUT OF MY FUCKING BUSINESS
Forgive the profanity but there are times when something this important can only be expressed bluntly.
Well, we’re into February which means our winter here in Maine is a little more than half over. Now for the bad news. I’ve started receiving tax documents from here, there, and everywhere and if I’m like everyone else in this country, I hate doing my taxes. It’s like stealing from your own bank accounts and then being forced to do the paperwork too. Not only do I think were being over-taxed, I think we’re getting close to that critical tipping point where we’re paying more in collective taxes (federal tax, local tax, surcharges, fee, and fines) than we’re allowed to keep.
My first big question for the Fed is how many dependents can I actually claim. For most of my life I could answer that question without giving it too much thought. Unfortunately those days are gone forever. I’d really like to know since the IRS isn’t too understanding about errors on their tax returns and they seem to get some perverse thrill out of kicking all of us little guys around. Years ago it was just me, my wife, and child, easy right? No more.
With the advent of the Obama Nation slowly taking control of almost every facet of our lives, what do I do? This comprehensive list of my dependents is my conundrum:
12 million illegal immigrants
3 million drug addicts
42 million people on food stamps
2 million people in over 243 prisons
535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate
1 Narcissistic President
I should be getting back a freaking boatload of money if my calculations are correct but I won’t hold my breath waiting for that to happen. C’mon Barack, just give me one penny for each person listed above and I’ll be able to buy an island and establish my own country. Then I could declare war on the US and immediately surrender when their troops arrive. The surrender would be conditional with the US required to pay war reparations and an annual check of foreign aid for the rest of my life. If they can keep me funded and happy I’ll be their most loyal ally. Free money, no taxes, and no politicians to bribe or coerce. It could be the new Garden of Eden without the stupid snake and the apple tree. See, I really do have a plan if those A-holes in Congress and the White House would just cooperate.
The Ides of April are fast approaching. I hope I can find an acceptable solution to my problem by then. Have a wonderful tax season this year because next year it will be much worse.
I’ve really been trying to keep the political ranting to a minimum since starting this new blog but January seems like a good month to relax and begin asking more uncomfortable questions that the Government would prefer not to answer. I spent a year and a half attempting to spread the word to anyone who would listen about how dangerous the government has become and about Obama and the liberals in particular. After seeing the results of the last election I realized I was trying to inform people of things they would rather ignore or deny.
I think our country is spiraling downward and will come to an ignominious end at some point in the future. The comparisons to the Roman Empire are many and scary as hell. I won’t get into the dirty little details because this blog posting will then be a little too long for most people who these days require only “sound bites”. I’ll no longer waste my time in trying enlightening anyone but I will continue to ask the questions I think need to be answered.
Being as old as I am, I figure I won’t alive long enough to see the anarchy boiling beneath the surface in this country explode . I know it’s there and God help the people who refuse to see it or choose to ignore it. I’m going to ask you a few questions now and I don’t really expect any answers. Just read them and think about them if your one of the few people left who still attempts to do that.
Why do you think smoking Pot is legal and widely accepted but smoking tobacco is treated like a criminal offense?
Why is it that you can get arrested for expired tags on your car but not for being in the country illegally?
Why can a seven year old boy can be thrown out of school for calling his teacher "cute" but hosting sexual exploration classes in grade schools is perfectly acceptable?
Why are children forcibly removed from parents who appropriately discipline them while children of "underprivileged" drug addicts are left to rot in filthy infested cesspools?
Why are hard working and successful citizens rewarded with higher taxes and Government intrusion, while improper and lazy behavior is rewarded with EBT cards (Food Stamps), WIC checks, Medicaid, subsidized housing, and free cell phones?
Those were five questions no Liberals, Democrats, or Obama’s want to answer. Even sadder there are no Conservatives, no Republicans, and no Independents that will answer them either. Here’s five more conundrums for you think and worry about.
Why is the government’s plan for getting people back to work to provide 99 weeks of unemployment checks (to not work)?
Why is being self-sufficient considered a threat to the government?
Why do our politicians think that stripping away the amendments to the Constitution is really protecting the rights of the people?
Why is murder of any sort prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law but hundreds of thousands of government sponsored abortions are overlooked?
Why is using the "N" word (by any non-black citizen) considered "hate speech" but writing and singing songs about raping women and killing cops is considered an "art form"?
Now I’ve given you ten scenarios that are cause for any thinking individual to question this government and the politician hypocrites who are running it. Are you asking these questions of your local politicians? I’d better hurry and finish my list before I become violently ill and have to stop.
Why do the rights of the Government come before the rights of the Individual?
Why is it possible for an 80 year old woman to be stripped searched by the TSA but a Muslim woman in a burka is only subject to having her neck and head searched?
Why is being stripped of your ability to defend yourself making you "safer"?
Why is a parent’s signature required to go on a school field trip but not to get an abortion?
Why are working class American’s required to pay for their own health care (and the Health care of everyone else) while unmarried women are free to have child after child on the "State’s" dime while never being held accountable for their own bad choices?
I’ve ranted as much as I can on these subjects for years and to no avail. When the “inmates are running the asylum’” how much “Hope for Change” can we expect?
Thanks Mike.
I’m back in remodeling mode today but honestly my heart isn’t in it just yet. I’m slowly but surely, a little at a time, collecting the materials I need to continue this room rebuild and maybe that will kick start my motivation.
I can tell the holidays are over when I find myself in Lowes looking for dry wall screws, joint tape, and a host of other things. I’m so totally uninterested in doing this job I’m beginning to bore myself. Lowes allows me to people watch a bit and while the people here are interesting I should probably stop at Walmart for the real deal. I’ll just ride through their parking lot which should feed my raging addiction for large numbers of A-holes acting stupidly. Instead I’m on my way for a quick walk through at a wildlife area along the coast. I can trudge through a foot of snow, gather my thoughts, and possibly take a few photos. The fresh air will hopefully do me some good.
Tra La La (This is time passing)
I’m back home with a few dozen photo’s, wet and freezing feet, and a better outlook on the day. I just put in an hour or so of prep work on the room remodel by beginning to reframe the closet to match the one found in the master bedroom. I also decided where I’ll be placing the new electrical outlets on the walls and where the wire runs will go. These are the many little things that need to be accomplished before the lumber and dry wall appears and the real labor begins. I still have a lot of rewiring to accomplish because the idiot who built this place apparently let his three year old do the wiring. The wires are improperly run, the boxes improperly placed, and a total lack of trying to meet any local code requirements. Just a sub-par job from start to finish. Oh no, my lack of interest is again rearing it’s ugly head so I’m packing it in for today.
I find myself totally obsessed with the final Harry Potter novel, the Deadly Hallows, which is almost impossible for me to put down. I won’t be able to finish it tonight but I’m sure to complete the entire story tomorrow. It’s not often I get a book that grabs me the way this one has and it’s nice. Total escapism of which I’m in dire need of right now.
I still need to come up with a few dinner possibilities for us this evening. My lack of interest has just magically expanded to include my food choices and just about everything else. I’ll wait for my better-half to arrive and drop it all in her lap. She likes to be in control of everything and I think I’ll let her. My father would call this crappy attitude my “I don’t give a shit about anything” approach. He never really appreciated it when I was a kid and I’m sure my better-half will feel the same now.
C’mon tomorrow.
The snow has finally stopped with the final amount totaling close to 17 inches. My back, legs, and arms were telling me it was more like 100 inches but what do they know. I rolled out of bed early this morning and knew in my heart the driveway wasn’t finished with me yet. I didn’t realize just how right I was.
As a last gift from our town’s snow plow I found the bottom of my driveway completely blocked from their last visit sometime during the night. This is an annual bitch of mine that I need to tell someone about but believe me, no ones listening. I grabbed my shovel and out into the cold I went once again.
Let me set the scene for you. I’m standing at the end of my driveway with wet feet and sore limbs after shoveling for at least a half hour to clear the mess. I finally finished (or so I thought) and I looked up the road and what did I see but the towns frigging snow plow heading my way. I swear that damn driver was grinning as he reloaded my driveway with a ton of now slushy and dirty snow. He should thank whatever God he believes in that I wasn’t armed. I start shoveling again and still grumbling about it when ten minutes later I hear the plow making it’s return trip going in the other direction. The snow had stopped, the road was empty of traffic, it was just me and the snowplow, and the towns incompetent driver.
I was standing directly across the road from my (new this year) mailbox when the plow swooped through, hit my mailbox, spinning it completely around, and left the door hanging by a thread. This is the third effing mailbox in the last five years that I’ll be forced to replace. As I’m sure you know, I was no longer smiling. That was how my day started.
I finished the shoveling and decided I needed to get the hell out of the house for a few hours. I was suffering from a mild case of cabin-fever. I ran a few errands, bought a few books, and took a few photographs. My blood pressure finally returned to normal and the day once again became calmer and more enjoyable.
Upon the return of my better-half from work I was made aware that we would be meeting some friends a a local restaurant later in the day for a few drinks and appetizers. I actually was looking forward to that so after a quick hour on the X-Box, I showered, shaved, dressed, and was ready to go.
We met up with our friends, had a few drinks, and got caught up the latest gossip and had a great time. Being the law abiding citizen that I am I stopped after three glasses of wine and went to drinking coffee. It turned out to be my best move of the night.
As we headed home the night was clear and cold and we were chatting a little. Just a few minutes from our house all of a sudden two white tailed deer jumped from an embankment on our right landing directly in front of us. Lucky for us and them I was driving slowly enough to get stopped and to let them pass. Even so that still got the old heart racing for a few minutes.
I pull into our driveway and I could see that the town’s garbage men finally emptied our trash container. As I walked down the driveway to retrieve it I noticed how icy it had become. I yelled out to my better-half to be careful and as I did I slipped and fell on my ass and twisted my already damaged knee It was a little stiff last night but right now as I’m lying in bed writing this, it hurts too much to get up. Looks like a few more weeks of hobbling around until it heals again. I’m never all that surprised by my clumsiness but it’s getting really tiresome. I guess I can celebrate my first fall for 2012 and look forward to the first one that’s sure to come in 2013.
Reality decided to return today and help me rid myself of all remaining holiday cheer. I just returned to the house after attempting to snow-blow approximately 10 inches of snow off the damn driveway. Being the smart fellow I thought I was, I bought a new snow blower two months ago. Mother Nature can’t get me this year! No sir! Why am I never right about these things.
I fired up the snow blower, pushed it out into the snow, plowed about ten feet and saw that my left tire was flat. I hadn’t touched the damn thing since it was delivered from Lowes and never thought to check the tires. There’s no doubt I’m going to pay for that bit of negligence. First thing, I’m going back out and try to use the snow blower even though one tire won’t cooperate. I shall return . . . .
Well that wasn’t much fun. Not being well versed in using a snow blower with two wheels it took a while for me to get the hang of operating it with just one. Unfortunately as I made my first turn through the snow I forgot to disengage the thrower. I shot about 200 lbs of snow directly into my garage onto my car. Lesson #1 was check the damn tires. Lesson #2 was close the damn garage door when your outside playing with the snow blower. I don’t think I’ll be able to use the snow blower again with just the one tire, it’s too difficult. It’s still snowing like hell and I’m going to be forced to dig out the old trusty snow shovel to do the rest of this. Let me tell you that just sucks. Back outside one more time . . . .
Well I was able to clean up the driveway a bit more but at the rate it’s snowing I’ll out there a few more times before morning. This is what I get for wishing for a White Christmas. I really hoped I’d never be forced to unretire that snow shovel. Karma, thou art a vicious bitch.
The final report shows 16 inches of snow, two sore arms, two sore legs, one sore back, and one flat tire. Just great, right?
Well today’s December 16th, leaving eight more shopping days till Christmas. I’ve been trying desperately to find a little more Christmas spirit but it’s been difficult. In years past I never bothered to make much of an effort because I didn’t care all that much.
My better-half has been doing her best to get me going and last night she decided a trip to Walmart was necessary. She seemed to think that if I listen to some Christmas music and check out some possible gifts, I’ll get that old feeling back. That included of course a cruise through the toy department looking for gifts for her new grandson who’s all of two months old.
We arrived with the best of intentions but as most of you know Walmart makes me crazy year-round not just at Christmas. The lunatic fringe was out in droves shopping their asses off and wearing Christmas outfits that were not only indescribable but worthy of immediate arrest for felony bad taste. I know one thing for sure, I’m not a big fan of the recent fad at Walmart of wearing pajamas pants to shop in. Not only is it a stupid thing to do but OMG could they find anything uglier to wear. I saw no less than five somewhat normal looking human beings wearing them and of course they were all women.
As we entered the Toy Department I suddenly found myself in a new and unfamiliar situation. I was being made to shop for a two month old child’s toys. Doesn’t my better-half realize that the new grand child is still trying to focus his eyes and to figure out what those five things are at the end of each of his arms. I decided to go along with it but immediately discovered what I mistake I’d made. OMG there were freaking toys as far as the eye could see. In the car I indicated that possibly a Lego set would be something to consider but there must have been a hundred freaking Lego sets filling two aisles. My head was spinning just trying to take it all in.
A short distance down the aisle were a young married couple and their child’s grandparents. They weren’t actually fighting but the discussion was a bit heated. If those four already experienced parents and grandparents couldn’t figure these things out, what chance did I have. That would be absolutely NONE. I went through the motions for another twenty minutes and we eventually left empty handed. Another twenty minutes of my life I’ll never get back.
As we left Walmart the unthinkable began happening. What’s Christmas without an effing snow storm. The radio weather experts tell me that by tomorrow we’ll have 6-10 inches of accumulation. Yippee! I think I’ll go home and find my snow shoveling gear and my magic shovel.
I’M SLOWLY SLIDING TOWARDS THE “I HATE CHRISTMAS” ZONE, HELP ME!
Lest I forget, there’s ten shopping days left until Christmas. I’m sorry but I need a break from all this depressing holiday cheer and greed. Today is the day when we start the really important countdown. It’s seven days until the Mayan seers decided that the world as we know it will end. Can you hear those thunderous foot steps creeping up behind you? I wasn’t taking the threat of total annihilation serious until last night when alleged celebrity, Joel McHale, announced that “The Soup” would be airing their Doomsday special next week. I mean if that doesn’t convince you then all hope for you is lost anyway. I think it’s really all about stealing the thunder from the History channel who has been beating this Doomsday drum for a year to increase their ratings.
I can picture it all now. Hundreds of alien ships shaped vaguely like enormous dildo’s will arrive over the earths cities on December 21. Out of these craft will march armies of aliens who look surprisingly like a mean and disgusting caricature of Danny Devito. Years ago I was reading a book on the Mayan religion and it struck me at the time how much the god “Cizin, "The Stinking One", looked like Devito. He was the god of earthquakes, suicides, human sacrifice, and was often depicted on pottery in the form of a dancing skeleton, holding a smoking cigarette.
So let me review our dire situation:
1. A few thousand Mayan primitives predict the end of days on December 21, 2012. They immediately run out and have a smoke and then sacrifice a few thousand of their citizens to celebrate their predictions.
2. Centuries later two American cable TV networks begin promoting this cataclysm for better ratings, then sneak outside for a smoke.
3. Then a few major TV networks begin discussing “The End” in a somewhat serious manner, then sneak into the restrooms for a cigarette.
4. Then millions of idiots around the globe take up the chant, Doom. . . Doom . . . Doom . . . Doom. You know, it’s only a matter of time before some of these loonies begin removing themselves the planet just after having one last smoke.
Is it just me or have we all missed the connection tying all of these events together. Cizin, the cigarette smoking god, has passed that filthy habit down through the ages with the eventual intent to end our existence once he’s returned and saved all of the surviving smokers from death and destruction.
The “non-smoking” interest groups had it partially right all along. Smoking would be the death of us all. First-hand smoke, second-hand smoke, tars, nicotine and a few million Danny Devito’s . . . Oh the horror!
I’m desperately trying to make light of this Doomsday crap which continues to be repeated and actually scares the bejesus out of some of the population. Young kids are especially effected by anything they see on TV as being the absolute truth. They need someone to tell them this is bullshit. And you’re very welcome. You also have way too many fringe-group holy-rollers out there who can’t wait for the end to come and I hope it does for them. I don’t like fanatics of any kind because extremists scare the crap out of me and history will back me up on that. Here are my helpful tips for December 21, 2012.
1. Stop smoking!
2. Stop listening to the the media in an attempt to find the truth.
3. Read more about the primitive, human sacrificing idiot Mayans, to learn the truth about them. They were so smart they couldn’t find a way to survive as a civilization. They were effing geniuses, right?
One last thing before I go. I have a extremely hard time taking seriously any organized religion but any religion that has one of their gods puffing on a cigarette has no credibility. I’ve got to go now, I’m making reservations for dinner and a night out on December 22 with my better-half. It’s the “I Survived Another Apocalypse” celebration and there could be free T-shirts too!
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