Archive for the ‘Kill Me, I’m Begging You’ Category
After yesterday’s serious posting I decided to lighten things up a bit today. We snow bunnies here in Maine are celebrating again as we await yet another two feet of snow to play in. I’ve spent most of today with my new best friend, my snow blower, and we’ve been out doing our thing four times already. It’s a real bitch since this snow is extremely heavy and wet making everything doubly difficult. If I don’t continue to keep up with the snowfall then tomorrow when the temperature dips low again I’ll be up to my butt in ice.
My better-half has apparently lost what little was left of her mind. She’s been out in the snow all day running, jumping, and just being crazy. I fear she may have a serious snow fetish that I was not previously aware of. I gave up years ago trying to calm her down when she gets like this so I just stand back and take lots of pictures. They’re perfect for future blackmailing purposes and you can bet I’ll use them to my best advantage. I’m surprised she hasn’t again suggested making naked snow angels as she’s done in the past. In order for me to be tempted to do that I’d need a lot more alcohol which would in turn would make me especially dangerous with that snow blower. So I’ll pass this time and make sure I get really clear pictures if she decides to get that nuts.
Her one big wish today was to build a freaking snowman in the front yard. Since I wasn’t permitted to give it a nice set of breasts I refused to participate. Being the shy person she is she initiated a conversation with some guy in a pickup truck who was plowing the neighbors driveway who then stopped to look at the snowman. She complained she had no carrot for the snowman’s nose and it really wouldn’t be complete without one. The guy turned his truck around and drove away in the middle of the storm and returned fifteen minutes later, rolled down his window, and handed her a carrot, and then drove away. All in all a pretty cool move.
I suppose I’ll be out with the snow blower at least one more time before calling it a night. I suspect she’ll require me to sit in front of the television tonight with her to watch all of the red carpet hoopla before the Oscar ceremony. Thank God she works early in the morning and will probably go to bed early so I can turn it off. Watching Hollywood celebrities for me is much like having your wisdom teeth pulled with a pair of pliers and no Novocain.
It’s time for a quiet dinner and a glass of brandy or two and then to bed to read a few chapters. The storm should be over before morning and I hope we get a reprieve from the weather for a few days before the next one rolls in.
Women. As any experienced man will tell you they are impossible. Impossible to understand and impossible to deal with at almost any level. It must be genetic because they develop their skill-set at a very early age and spend years fine tuning them. So as a public service to you younger gentlemen out there who are naively preparing to enter the fray, listen up!
Flirting – Women are forever flirting with almost any man who will pay attention to them. I was in line at a food store recently and a young girl no more than 4 years old was sitting in a cart in front of me. She was smiling, being coy, giggling at me for at least fifteen minutes. She was as cute as a button but God help the boys she meets in another ten or fifteen years. She’s already learning the skills needed to befuddle and manipulate them. And now for the big warning guys, don’t let her catch you flirting or you’re a dead man.
Opinions – Learn when to answer and when to stay quiet. A head nod at the right time can save you a great deal of aggravation. Also be careful when asking for an opinion from them. It can be difficult to get a straight answer because they constantly sidestep the question and throw it back to you for your feelings on the matter. Immediately after you give your opinion they disagree and spend ten minutes explaining to you in great detail how misinformed you are.
Driving – Some women insist on driving all of the time which is a vaguely veiled attempt at control. If you’re dumb enough to let them chauffer you then be prepared for the payback. Intentionally driving ten mph under the speed limit while fixing their hair, putting on makeup, texting, or searching the car for a misplaced item, is truly passive-aggressive. OMFG! You watch as she constantly drives with her left tire directly on the centerline of the road. Say nothing as you watch other drivers swerving out of the way to avoid being side swiped. You should know by now that your wrong no matter what.
Double standards – You’ll find her getting annoyed over some trivial issue that you did just once to her but that she does all the time to you. If you call her on it be prepared for a lecture on why your mistaken and why you shouldn’t be annoyed.
Asking impossible questions – Does this dress make my butt look too big? Do you like my hair this color? Does this big gaudy broach look good with this yellow blouse? Does this bra really make my boobs look perky? What are you thinking? Are you staring at that girl in the thong bathing suit? Do you really love me? Need I say more guys?
The Boss – They all want to be the boss. They claim it’s a need to be independent. They desire independence in all things but expect you do everything for them. They will attempt to lecture you on hundreds of things you’ve already accomplished with no experience of their own to draw from. They’ll spend much of your life explaining to you how things should really be done and how they would do it. It’s just another grab for control.
So, I hope you’ve all learned a few things here that might save you a great deal of grief later. If you’re a true masochist like most men are required to be and can put up with all of their BS and control issues you might just get laid one day.
For your sake I hope the sex is mind blowing. Even if it isn’t tell them it is, just saying.
It’s still February, it’s still cold, and I still hate advertisements. Not just a minor dislike but a really white hot hate. Why is it necessary that every building in every city that’s large enough to house a sporting event have a corporate sponsor. I’m starting to believe that the American businesses are doing a lot better than we’ve been told. Spending millions of dollars a year to have your name on an arena would piss me off a great deal if I were a stockholder.
So it’s February, the month with some really lame observances and a couple of so-so holidays. Since my complaint today is with advertisers I must of course mention the upcoming Presidents Day. I love that we still remember and celebrate our founding fathers, Lincoln, Washington, and others. It just seems to me that we’re getting a little redundant with these things. If we have a Presidents Day why is there a need for individual observances for just a few. I’m realize that if we tried to eliminate Presidents Day every car salesman in the country would march on Washington. It could be called The Million Salesmen March of 2013.
I wonder if our Presidents ever gave any thought to just how their likenesses and names would be prostituted for the good of the automobile industry and others. The term “spinning in their graves” immediately comes to mind.
Now to the meat of this posting. I was sitting at home last night minding my own business and attempting to watch one minute of TV without some annoying ad being shoved in my face. Leave it up to some of our sneaky yet loveable Japanese businessmen to come up with this idea. A car commercial for Honda where they have George Washington and Abraham Lincoln singing their theme song as a duet. To say it was disrespectful and tasteless is an understatement. I wonder how those same Japanese businessmen would feel if we used the images of a few of their emperors to sell Domino’s Pizza or possibly women’s feminine products.
Have we in this country become so greedy that nothing is sacred. That was rhetorical because we already know the answer. The United States is losing it’s integrity and it’s soul. We will disrespect absolutely anything regardless of it’s importance to make a buck. Greed is a terrible thing and it’s something that infects almost all of us. Money, Money, Money!
I could go on and on with this but it’s pointless. You already know that its true because you’ve been raised with it and think it’s the norm. I’m here to tell you it’s not. Paying millions of dollars for a minute of Super Bowl time is outrageous and insidious all at the same time. Everywhere you look are ads. On every building, wall, road sign, and of course TV. Thirty percent or more of your TV time is paid advertisements.
Propaganda and brainwashing are frowned upon when it’s a government or a religious cult doing it but totally permissible for every business in this country. We’re at the point where most of the music we walk around humming are commercial theme songs. They’ve taken many of our greatest oldies and turned them into something they were never meant to be. Shame and them and double shame on us for putting up with it.
My rant is over and I wish February was over too.
Nemo is dead, long live the king. The final tally for our area of Maine was approximately 38 inches of snow and one hell of a wind storm. We have a few drifts of five or six feet but nothing more serious than that. It could have been a whole lot worse.
After all of the snow-blowing today I won’t be able to left my arms tomorrow. I think I’ve finally bonded with this new snow-thrower, it’s now my BFF. It took a good part of the day to clear the driveway and then more disappointment. There was so much snow on the roads that the plows weren’t able to arrive until late afternoon. Even then they were only able to clear one lane in the middle of the road.
I’m hoping they’re able to widen the lanes a little more so we an get out of here for a while tomorrow. Even the birds were having serious issues trying to hang onto the bird feeder in a thirty-five mph wind. Not only were they fighting amongst themselves for the food but also fighting for a place on the bird feeder that offered some protection from the wind.
Our neighbors were out in force in mid-afternoon as the snow gradually stopped. It was nice to see everyone helping each other for a change in a neighborhood where individual privacy is the norm.
My better-half spent a lot of time emailing and connecting with family members from areas unaffected by the storm. She was also distributing photo’s far and wide to almost everyone. I feel for anyone who might have been caught in this blizzard with vehicle problems or medical emergencies. This kind of weather is definitely life threatening if not taken seriously.
The only good news for most of the state was the low number of power outages. We managed to escape the massive outages suffered in past storms due to a great deal of work by tree trimming crews throughout the summer months who cut down what would have been snow laden branches. Kudos to Central Maine Power and the local towns whose preventative work paid off in a big way.
I’ll be spending a few hours tomorrow in the final cleanup and then life will return to normal. I’m been hearing rumblings of another storm approaching in a few days and I hope to God it’s a little less of a problem than this one.
Everyone will be back to work tomorrow and life goes on. I’m really proud of myself because if what the media says is true (sarcasm), I’ve just survived my thirteenth "Storm of the Century". I think I should get some kind of honorable mention somewhere in that Guinness Book of World Records.
I won’t hold my breath though. Enjoy your day while I return to the cleanup.
Another "Storm of the Century" is upon us and since this is the third one in the last twelve months I guess we should all be hiding in the root cellar (if we had one). Weather forecasters in Maine don’t do much more than repeat whatever is relayed from the National Weather Service and then hope for the best. Maine is so lame at times they look for any excuse to exaggerate the facts and use all the panic inducing buzz words to scare the crap out of the uninformed.
Having lived in Maine for more than ten years I thought there could be no surprises left for me. I’m able to translate their weather speech almost immediately and then go on about my business. Unfortunately I underestimated them again.
My better-half arrived home from work and immediately began explaining to me the grand weather controversy being discussed by the local media. They seemed to be all pissed off that the National Weather Service has begun naming large snow storms as they do for hurricanes. Maine is such an important place in the grand scheme of things (sarcasm) that they feel they should be permitted to name their own storms. I hate to even think what those names might be. Something really sophisticated yet down to earth (more sarcasm) like Matthew, Mark, Luke, or John. They may be right in their thinking however because who in their right mind would name a storm Nemo? Only the all seeing, godlike government of the United States could be that lame.
After giving it some thought my better-half and I decided that the so-called Maine weather experts really shouldn’t be permitted to name them either. So effective immediately this “Storm of the Century” will be named by the two of us. Let’s just call him JOHNSON. Read into that what you will you bunch of perverts. We ended this terrible controversy in less than two minutes with no help from either the government or the state of Maine’s weather idiots. Come on JOHNSON.
Now on to something really important. I had to go to the dentist today. A trip to the dentist for me is always an adventure since the age of 13 when playing sand lot football my best friend knocked most of my front teeth out. That required two bridges and a few false teeth which have plagued me ever since. My mouth is similar to having a old car and it requires much more maintenance. I could have bought at least three new cars over the years with what I spent on dental work. My dentist’s office is a family concern with my dentist the father, the hygienist is his ex-wife, and the dental assistant/receptionist is their daughter. Over the years I’ve become good friends with them all and it’s been a real hoot but the bottom line never changes. As nice as they all are I still hate going to the effing dentist.
After injecting me with enough Novocain to keep my face numb for a week he proceeds to do what I hate the most, drilling my teeth. The sound of that high-speed drill makes my skin crawl and if I never heard it again it would be too damn soon. Also if he honestly thinks that shooting cold water down my throat is helping me breathe he’s very much mistaken. Not only is my face numb but I think he’s subconsciously trying to drown me.
After a few kind words and a pat on the head I was escorted to the door, given a new tooth brush, and my next appointment date. Thanks for nothing Doc. I drove straight to the closest Dunkin Donut where I ordered a hot coffee and a sandwich. As I left their parking lot I took a quick bite of the sandwich and that was mistake number one. My mouth was still so numb I almost bit off the end of my tongue. I was forced to pullover to compose myself and check for damage. A few miles and a few dozen curse words later I opened the coffee container, took a giant swig, and burned the shit out of my mouth and tongue. I also scorched my crotch a bit when I spilled the coffee there too. I finally arrived home, sat down in a nice soft chair and refused to eat or drink anything until the feeling returned to my mouth and tongue.
How can people think storm JOHNSON is the big deal. It’s all about me and my trip to the dentist. People are so self-involved at times.
I’ve arrived at this point in my life where TV is becoming more of an irritant than entertainment. Between the endless commercials, drug ads, biased politicians, and government propaganda, I’m reading to scream. Recently I listened to three of those infamous talking heads on the tube telling me that video gaming is responsible for all the ills of the world. As Don Imus would say, “that’s a pant load”.
In past years I’ve posted long lists of things I love and things I hate. They’re always fun to do and also a great mental exercise. I find that as I’ve aged my mind is slowly folding in on itself and beginning to stagnate. Old memories can easily take over and consume my thoughts which while fun at times is ultimately destructive. Keeping mentally alert and mentally active is the secret to living a longer life that is actually worth living.
These last few years convinced me of those facts as I watched my mother and aunt slowly fade away and die. My mother lasted a bit longer mentally than her sister but died sooner. My aunt was suffering from an affliction which may have been Alzheimer’s where she mentally faded away quickly but her body just kept on going. I realize that there are some things we can’t combat and I am realistic enough to accept that and move on. I also believe there are things we can do to fight off the effects of mental aging with a regimen of mental and physical exercises. It will help greatly to keep you mentally in the present for a much longer period of time.
I’ve been a game player, both computer and other types, for all of my life. With the advent of video games and HD I was in heaven. I know there are a lot of people in this country and elsewhere who would like nothing better than to control gaming and through the games control us. I’ve never believed that violent games lead to violent behavior. It’s easy to do the math and realize that millions of people play these games everyday but aren’t the least bit violent. Unfortunately there are unstable people in this world who choose to do violence to others. It’s not the games or guns that are the problem but mental instability. Take all of the guns away then they’ll try and kill people with whatever else is at hand.
I’m getting off message here a bit and ranting about gun control is not what I’m posting about. Video games provide me with improved hand-eye coordination, problem solving capabilities, and the ability to focus that if not maintained can fade with age.
I get strange looks from people my own age when I excitedly tell them of a new video game I’m involved with. I get those looks that say, “grow up, that stuff is for kids not someone your age”. It’s that kind of backward thinking that tends to piss me off and makes me a little crazy. Maintaining a full physical program in a gym is fine for some people but not to everyone. As you age your body isn’t always able to perform like it did when you were twenty, no matter how hard you try to push it. I’ve resigned myself to doing as much physical training as I’m able but even more important to me is exercising my mind.
To those folks out there who insist they have all the answers I can only say this. You don’t! We each grow up, age, and die at our own pace so just stay out of my life and let me handle it. I never thought I would get to be this age and would have so many know-it-all politicians and religious groups interested in baby-sitting me and second guessing my every move. I guess it will finally stop when someone slams my coffin lid shut. Here are my words of wisdom for today and I’m sure they would certainly help our country return to it’s former greatness.
STAY OUT OF MY FUCKING BUSINESS
Forgive the profanity but there are times when something this important can only be expressed bluntly.
Well, we’re into February which means our winter here in Maine is a little more than half over. Now for the bad news. I’ve started receiving tax documents from here, there, and everywhere and if I’m like everyone else in this country, I hate doing my taxes. It’s like stealing from your own bank accounts and then being forced to do the paperwork too. Not only do I think were being over-taxed, I think we’re getting close to that critical tipping point where we’re paying more in collective taxes (federal tax, local tax, surcharges, fee, and fines) than we’re allowed to keep.
My first big question for the Fed is how many dependents can I actually claim. For most of my life I could answer that question without giving it too much thought. Unfortunately those days are gone forever. I’d really like to know since the IRS isn’t too understanding about errors on their tax returns and they seem to get some perverse thrill out of kicking all of us little guys around. Years ago it was just me, my wife, and child, easy right? No more.
With the advent of the Obama Nation slowly taking control of almost every facet of our lives, what do I do? This comprehensive list of my dependents is my conundrum:
12 million illegal immigrants
3 million drug addicts
42 million people on food stamps
2 million people in over 243 prisons
535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate
1 Narcissistic President
I should be getting back a freaking boatload of money if my calculations are correct but I won’t hold my breath waiting for that to happen. C’mon Barack, just give me one penny for each person listed above and I’ll be able to buy an island and establish my own country. Then I could declare war on the US and immediately surrender when their troops arrive. The surrender would be conditional with the US required to pay war reparations and an annual check of foreign aid for the rest of my life. If they can keep me funded and happy I’ll be their most loyal ally. Free money, no taxes, and no politicians to bribe or coerce. It could be the new Garden of Eden without the stupid snake and the apple tree. See, I really do have a plan if those A-holes in Congress and the White House would just cooperate.
The Ides of April are fast approaching. I hope I can find an acceptable solution to my problem by then. Have a wonderful tax season this year because next year it will be much worse.
I’ve really been trying to keep the political ranting to a minimum since starting this new blog but January seems like a good month to relax and begin asking more uncomfortable questions that the Government would prefer not to answer. I spent a year and a half attempting to spread the word to anyone who would listen about how dangerous the government has become and about Obama and the liberals in particular. After seeing the results of the last election I realized I was trying to inform people of things they would rather ignore or deny.
I think our country is spiraling downward and will come to an ignominious end at some point in the future. The comparisons to the Roman Empire are many and scary as hell. I won’t get into the dirty little details because this blog posting will then be a little too long for most people who these days require only “sound bites”. I’ll no longer waste my time in trying enlightening anyone but I will continue to ask the questions I think need to be answered.
Being as old as I am, I figure I won’t alive long enough to see the anarchy boiling beneath the surface in this country explode . I know it’s there and God help the people who refuse to see it or choose to ignore it. I’m going to ask you a few questions now and I don’t really expect any answers. Just read them and think about them if your one of the few people left who still attempts to do that.
Why do you think smoking Pot is legal and widely accepted but smoking tobacco is treated like a criminal offense?
Why is it that you can get arrested for expired tags on your car but not for being in the country illegally?
Why can a seven year old boy can be thrown out of school for calling his teacher "cute" but hosting sexual exploration classes in grade schools is perfectly acceptable?
Why are children forcibly removed from parents who appropriately discipline them while children of "underprivileged" drug addicts are left to rot in filthy infested cesspools?
Why are hard working and successful citizens rewarded with higher taxes and Government intrusion, while improper and lazy behavior is rewarded with EBT cards (Food Stamps), WIC checks, Medicaid, subsidized housing, and free cell phones?
Those were five questions no Liberals, Democrats, or Obama’s want to answer. Even sadder there are no Conservatives, no Republicans, and no Independents that will answer them either. Here’s five more conundrums for you think and worry about.
Why is the government’s plan for getting people back to work to provide 99 weeks of unemployment checks (to not work)?
Why is being self-sufficient considered a threat to the government?
Why do our politicians think that stripping away the amendments to the Constitution is really protecting the rights of the people?
Why is murder of any sort prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law but hundreds of thousands of government sponsored abortions are overlooked?
Why is using the "N" word (by any non-black citizen) considered "hate speech" but writing and singing songs about raping women and killing cops is considered an "art form"?
Now I’ve given you ten scenarios that are cause for any thinking individual to question this government and the politician hypocrites who are running it. Are you asking these questions of your local politicians? I’d better hurry and finish my list before I become violently ill and have to stop.
Why do the rights of the Government come before the rights of the Individual?
Why is it possible for an 80 year old woman to be stripped searched by the TSA but a Muslim woman in a burka is only subject to having her neck and head searched?
Why is being stripped of your ability to defend yourself making you "safer"?
Why is a parent’s signature required to go on a school field trip but not to get an abortion?
Why are working class American’s required to pay for their own health care (and the Health care of everyone else) while unmarried women are free to have child after child on the "State’s" dime while never being held accountable for their own bad choices?
I’ve ranted as much as I can on these subjects for years and to no avail. When the “inmates are running the asylum’” how much “Hope for Change” can we expect?
Thanks Mike.
I’m back in remodeling mode today but honestly my heart isn’t in it just yet. I’m slowly but surely, a little at a time, collecting the materials I need to continue this room rebuild and maybe that will kick start my motivation.
I can tell the holidays are over when I find myself in Lowes looking for dry wall screws, joint tape, and a host of other things. I’m so totally uninterested in doing this job I’m beginning to bore myself. Lowes allows me to people watch a bit and while the people here are interesting I should probably stop at Walmart for the real deal. I’ll just ride through their parking lot which should feed my raging addiction for large numbers of A-holes acting stupidly. Instead I’m on my way for a quick walk through at a wildlife area along the coast. I can trudge through a foot of snow, gather my thoughts, and possibly take a few photos. The fresh air will hopefully do me some good.
Tra La La (This is time passing)
I’m back home with a few dozen photo’s, wet and freezing feet, and a better outlook on the day. I just put in an hour or so of prep work on the room remodel by beginning to reframe the closet to match the one found in the master bedroom. I also decided where I’ll be placing the new electrical outlets on the walls and where the wire runs will go. These are the many little things that need to be accomplished before the lumber and dry wall appears and the real labor begins. I still have a lot of rewiring to accomplish because the idiot who built this place apparently let his three year old do the wiring. The wires are improperly run, the boxes improperly placed, and a total lack of trying to meet any local code requirements. Just a sub-par job from start to finish. Oh no, my lack of interest is again rearing it’s ugly head so I’m packing it in for today.
I find myself totally obsessed with the final Harry Potter novel, the Deadly Hallows, which is almost impossible for me to put down. I won’t be able to finish it tonight but I’m sure to complete the entire story tomorrow. It’s not often I get a book that grabs me the way this one has and it’s nice. Total escapism of which I’m in dire need of right now.
I still need to come up with a few dinner possibilities for us this evening. My lack of interest has just magically expanded to include my food choices and just about everything else. I’ll wait for my better-half to arrive and drop it all in her lap. She likes to be in control of everything and I think I’ll let her. My father would call this crappy attitude my “I don’t give a shit about anything” approach. He never really appreciated it when I was a kid and I’m sure my better-half will feel the same now.
C’mon tomorrow.
The snow has finally stopped with the final amount totaling close to 17 inches. My back, legs, and arms were telling me it was more like 100 inches but what do they know. I rolled out of bed early this morning and knew in my heart the driveway wasn’t finished with me yet. I didn’t realize just how right I was.
As a last gift from our town’s snow plow I found the bottom of my driveway completely blocked from their last visit sometime during the night. This is an annual bitch of mine that I need to tell someone about but believe me, no ones listening. I grabbed my shovel and out into the cold I went once again.
Let me set the scene for you. I’m standing at the end of my driveway with wet feet and sore limbs after shoveling for at least a half hour to clear the mess. I finally finished (or so I thought) and I looked up the road and what did I see but the towns frigging snow plow heading my way. I swear that damn driver was grinning as he reloaded my driveway with a ton of now slushy and dirty snow. He should thank whatever God he believes in that I wasn’t armed. I start shoveling again and still grumbling about it when ten minutes later I hear the plow making it’s return trip going in the other direction. The snow had stopped, the road was empty of traffic, it was just me and the snowplow, and the towns incompetent driver.
I was standing directly across the road from my (new this year) mailbox when the plow swooped through, hit my mailbox, spinning it completely around, and left the door hanging by a thread. This is the third effing mailbox in the last five years that I’ll be forced to replace. As I’m sure you know, I was no longer smiling. That was how my day started.
I finished the shoveling and decided I needed to get the hell out of the house for a few hours. I was suffering from a mild case of cabin-fever. I ran a few errands, bought a few books, and took a few photographs. My blood pressure finally returned to normal and the day once again became calmer and more enjoyable.
Upon the return of my better-half from work I was made aware that we would be meeting some friends a a local restaurant later in the day for a few drinks and appetizers. I actually was looking forward to that so after a quick hour on the X-Box, I showered, shaved, dressed, and was ready to go.
We met up with our friends, had a few drinks, and got caught up the latest gossip and had a great time. Being the law abiding citizen that I am I stopped after three glasses of wine and went to drinking coffee. It turned out to be my best move of the night.
As we headed home the night was clear and cold and we were chatting a little. Just a few minutes from our house all of a sudden two white tailed deer jumped from an embankment on our right landing directly in front of us. Lucky for us and them I was driving slowly enough to get stopped and to let them pass. Even so that still got the old heart racing for a few minutes.
I pull into our driveway and I could see that the town’s garbage men finally emptied our trash container. As I walked down the driveway to retrieve it I noticed how icy it had become. I yelled out to my better-half to be careful and as I did I slipped and fell on my ass and twisted my already damaged knee It was a little stiff last night but right now as I’m lying in bed writing this, it hurts too much to get up. Looks like a few more weeks of hobbling around until it heals again. I’m never all that surprised by my clumsiness but it’s getting really tiresome. I guess I can celebrate my first fall for 2012 and look forward to the first one that’s sure to come in 2013.
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