Archive for the ‘Kill Me, I’m Begging You’ Category
Can you quickly name twenty-five things you love? Are you a hater? Can you immediately name twenty-five things you hate? We as human beings seem to have the ability to quickly list those things that adversely effect us and to verbalize them loudly to anyone nearby.
On my shopping safari yesterday I found myself rubbing elbows with the normal everyday human insanity to which we’ve all become accustomed. I visited a few businesses in the area and as always was pretty much forced into listening to my fellow men and women bitching about almost everything. I’m only mentioning it because it became painfully obvious very quickly that an infection of some sort was in the air and effecting everyone including me.
I first visited my favorite book store to make a few purchases, check out some new authors, and people watch, of course. I was in a great mood and anticipated a quiet restful visit. This is a very small store and when new arrivals show up they’re easy to spot. A woman arrived in a rather expensive Audi, dressed very well, and with a walk that showed a lot of attitude. She was in her fifties, fairly attractive, and well maintained, if you get my drift. She wasn’t in the door more than three steps when she began talking at, not to, the proprietor. That poor SOB was manning the register near the door and couldn’t escape. This well-to-do looking woman began complaining about a book she purchased a week ago and didn’t really like and wanted a cash refund. I think the term I’m looking for is "a bitch on wheels". She pissed and moaned about a three dollar refund for so long I was tempted to give her the money just so she would go away. Thankfully neither the manager nor I gave her that refund and as she marched out the door we both breathed a sigh of relief. She must have a real fashion sense though. It’s can’t be easy to hide such a huge set of balls in such a tight dress.
I then made a short drive to a nearby Wal-Green store where I was forced to stand in line behind two young ladies in their twenties. We were in that line for maybe ten minutes but OMG it seemed much longer. These young ladies were the queens of public trash talking. Friends and foes alike couldn’t escape their wrath. To quote, "that bitch was all over him last night, what a slut", "I hear he uses so many drugs he can barely function (wink, wink) and finally a few choice words about someone who is their BFF and who threw up all over the side of her car. I walked away really glad they didn’t consider me a friend.
As my safari continued I made my way to the Hannaford food store. I like shopping there because I can quickly use the self-checkout and be in and out quickly. As usual I got in the checkout line behind the wrong effing guy. I swear there could be twenty registers open and I would still manage to get behind that one customer with some huge problem or issue. Today was no different. I had about twelve items and planned on being checked out and gone in just a few short minutes but no way, Jose!
As I walked up to the self-checkout there was a guy just standing in front of the device with a dead stare and a blank look of real confusion on his face. He apparently was new to self-checkouts, couldn’t figure it out, and the longer he waited the more pissed off he became. For the next ten minutes he invited a cashier, a Front-End Manager, and finally the Store’s General Manger to help him. I was proud of myself because I just wanted to scream a few obscenities at him and loudly identify him to everyone in the area as the dumbass that he was. He was loud, obnoxious, rude, stupid, ignorant, and wouldn’t stop complaining. He actually looked over and gave me a dirty look like I was part of his problem. Those poor managers really earned their pay dealing with this schnook. I finally was able to go on my way fifteen minutes later and was glad I hadn’t parked anywhere near that A-hole. He was still standing in the parking lot as I drove away bitching to anyone who would listen.
I’d planned to stop at a couple of other places but what was the point. I was caught up in a local shit storm of complaining and unhappy people and had to get away as fast as possible. As you can tell by reading this I didn’t get away quickly enough and was also infected. I immediately went home and sat quietly for a while to compose myself and to let the infection run it’s course.
People are just so much fun it’s just a real pleasure to be around them. (sarcasm off)
I’m celebrating a little today because finally the freaking drywall job has been completed. If I never see another sheet of the damn stuff again it will be too soon. I estimate about an hour of sanding and smoothing before we can do a whole-house cleanup which could take a very long time. That insidious white dust can be found in every room of the house even though I took great pains to control it. Some things just can’t be avoided I guess. The mere fact that I’m actually looking forward to doing the priming and painting should tell you how much I won’t be missing drywall. DONE AND DONE!
Other than the remodel things have been very quiet around the house of late. My better-half’s been working a couple of weeks of some really weird shifts making our time together somewhat limited. The grand child has brought an illness home from daycare and their entire family has been sick for more than a week. I’ve been pretty much left alone except for the cat who is also not too happy about the lack of attention.
Today was first day in a while when I didn’t have to get up early and work on the remodel. A day where I could sleep in and lounge around and even get out of the house to run a few errands. Why did I ever think that things would happen as I’d hoped. The better-half left early for work and it wasn’t long before I wished she’d taken that damn cat with her.
The feline nagging started immediately since she left without feeding him. He was unhappy and made sure I was too. He walked slowly around the bed meowing at the top of his lungs until I brained him with a pillow. Just as I was getting back to sleep he started his old routine of jumping on the bed, walking all over my body, meowing loudly, and then running away before I could grab another pillow. He repeated this at least eight times before I found myself wide awake and none too happy. Once he realized I was awake he disappeared from the bedroom and planted his furry little ass next to his food dish and just waited. I made my way to the kitchen, fed the little bastard, cursed at him a few times and went back to bed.
Now I’m lying here writing this because I couldn’t get back to sleep. Does the term "urge to kill" come to mind? I think a few hours away from this place will allow me to clear my head a little and keep me from drop kicking the cat into next week. The older he gets the more like my ex-wife he’s becoming.
This appears to be the beginning of what I fear could become a very bad day. I think a few cups of really strong and tasty coffee just might do the trick to turn that around. I’m willing to try just about anything to improve my day before the better-half returns from work. The last thing we need is to have is a stupid argument instigated by the cat.
I think a quick trip to the discount book store might help. I can calm myself with an hour of browsing through the racks to find a few interesting mysteries I haven’t read before. This has been one helluva winter. I been reading two books a week all winter but with the weather finally breaking that should slow down a bit. I find myself actually looking forward to starting the yard work and preparing this years garden.
I’m out the door searching for a better day.
Are you prepared for April Fools Day? It’s another one of those waste-of-time observances that the United States has become so famous for. I love practical jokes as well as the next guy but anyone who’s fooled on April Fool’s Day isn’t too bright. If I wanted to truly prank someone it would be unannounced and unexpected but that’s just me.
I have to admit there is one observance I’ve discovered for April 1st that I could possibly get onboard with. St. Stupid’s Day has been celebrated for thirty five years this year in the most appropriate place you could imagine, San Francisco. The ‘City By the Bay’ is well known for some of the most ridiculous stunts and political decisions ever. This also includes it’s intimate relationship with the country’s most ridiculous political family, Jerry Brown Sr. and Jerry Brown Jr. or Governor Moonbeam to his friends.
San Francisco is well know for it’s far left approach to almost everything and just when you thought you’ve heard and seen it all, they come up with something even more absurd. The left coast (well named) has over the years been the cause of much laughter and ridicule brought on by their approach to almost everything. Here’s a short blurb with a few facts about their St. Stupid Day celebrations.
The Saint Stupid’s Day Parade is an annual parade that takes place in San Francisco on April 1st. The somewhat anarchistic parade was founded by Ed Holmes (aka Bishop Joey of the First Church of the Last Laugh) in the late 1970s. If April 1st falls on a weekday, the parade starts at the foot of Market Street and follows a well established route through the financial district. If April 1st falls on a weekend, the parade starts at the Transamerica Pyramid, proceeds up Columbus Street and ends at Washington Square. The parade begins promptly at noon. Participation in the parade is open to the public and silly costumes are encouraged.
The following list of headlines were obtained from recent articles found in the San Francisco area newspapers. Just reading them will tell you all you need to know about why St. Stupid’s Day belongs in California and San Francisco in particular.
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Public Sex Exposed This Woman’s Worker’s Comp Fraud
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Taxidermist Puts Stuffed Animals In Silly Outfits
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Thugs Throw Milkshake In Woman’s Face, She Throws $2,000 Back
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This Is A Fork Used To Eat Human Flesh
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San Francisco City Official Consults Ouija Board Before Vote
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This Vibrator From 1906 Could Have Been In Your Great-Grandmother
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First Surrogate Otter Mom Dies
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He’s A 36-Year-Old Virgin Who’s Fathered 14 Kids
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Top 10 Haunted Houses In America
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Muppet-Themed Bar Opens In San Francisco
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A Picnic Table Bigger Than A Football Field Assembled In 30 Seconds
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Do You Love Nature? Take The Next Step — Go ‘Ecosexual’
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Gay Softball League Limit On Straight Players OK’d
Need I say more? I don’t think so. So wake up bright and early tomorrow and be prepared to act even more stupid than usual. Unfortunately I’m reasonably sure the parade won’t be televised, sorry!
Have you ever had a song stuck in your head? Over the years I’ve listened to hundreds of thousands of songs without any problems whatsoever. I’ve listened to Jazz, Pop, Hard Rock, and yes even Opera. I’ve avoided when possible Hip-Hop, Rap, and the old style Country and Western songs because I just don’t care for them. There are a few exceptions to that list of course but not many.
I live with my better-half who is obsessed with music, singing, dancing, and humming songs almost constantly. It can be really annoying if you ever crave absolute peace and quiet like I do at times. Every once in a while as I’m listening to music I also find myself unable to disconnect completely. It’s maddening because I find it interfering with my everyday activities. I’ve been in conversations with people and as I’m listening to them speak I begin to hum to myself and I can hear the lyrics in my head very clearly. Then I begin to tap my toe to the music and then suffer from the almost uncontrollable urge to dance. It takes all of my will power not do anything stupid and embarrass myself. This has occurred in the past not just in casual conversations but important business conversations as well.
My mother passed away last year and as I was sitting in the church with my sister listening to the priest drone on and on I had the song "What a Man" by Salt and Pepa echoing through my head. Why? I have no freaking idea but it was actually better than listening to that priest and thinking about my mom’s passing.
On one occasion I was driving to Pittsburgh to visit family which is eleven hours of sheer boredom. For a large part of the trip through Pennsylvania there is little or no acceptable radio stations to listen to. Unfortunately I also forgot my IPod and was limited to one CD I found under my seat. For the rest of that trip and for the next week the song, "Higher Love" by Steve Winwood drove me freaking crazy.
When I’m cooking I find myself humming and occasionally singing various songs by Luciano Pavarotti in Italian no less. How weird is that? I love opera but it’s not something I want to hear over and over again.
This problem isn’t limited to good music but also to really bad songs and a few truly annoying television commercial theme songs. The theme songs are the absolute worst. Lately it’s been that stupid commercial with the Korean version of Richard Simmons singing some stupid song that I don’t even understand while he hops around the screen in a pukey green sport coat with a bunch of pistachios. I ‘d look up the name of the song for you but what’s the point, I hate that stupid song.
I think the worst part of this problem is that once I capture a song in my head, it’s there forever. I have quite a long list of tunes that show up unannounced at the weirdest times to entertain me. I may be forced to involve myself with some sort of meditation program that will allow me to sit quietly and purge my mind of all this nonsense. Maybe I’ll become a Buddhist monk where I can spend my time in quiet self-reflection in an attempt to make these evil music demons go away.
As I’ve been writing this I’ve been humming "Three Time a Lady" by Lionel Richey. Someone please help me!
I’m a bit tired today after yesterday’s drywall work. If you’re expecting anything spectacular on this blog today you’re sure to be disappointed. I often hear people on their blogs complaining about writer’s block. I’ve never had that problem but I seem to be suffering from a block for which I have no name. It could possibly be called an ‘artists block’ or a ‘remodeling block’, or even a ‘get-the-hell-out-of-bed block’. I’m feeling like a big giant lump with no motivation to do anything except write about how lazy I’m feeling. Which for the record is mighty effing lazy. At the same time my mind is racing and I’m visualizing work that still needs to be completed on the remodel tomorrow.
Unfortunately for me when I’m working any kind of project I’m consumed not just by the work that I’ll be doing but by constant mental activity that I can’t turn off. It can also make sleeping extremely difficult. Even after having my better-half tell me to take the day off, I struggle. I should be relaxing and enjoying my down time but for me there is no real down time.
She’ll be talking to me about work or family and if I’m lucky I may get every other word or just a general idea of what the subject matter is. I suspect she thinks I’m getting forgetful but that isn’t the case at all. It also isn’t that I don’t care or I’m not interested, I’m just focused on my tasks at hand almost 100%. It’s totally out of my control for the most part and it’s something I’ve resigned myself to dealing with.
Even as a kid I was consumed by my painting, sculpting, reading, and once I started something I kept at it until it was completed. Especially my art work. I’d start a painting and would work around the clock with little or no food or drink until it was finished. I love that feeling of being in the moment and just staying there as long as possible is a real pleasure for me.
At times I have difficulty getting a project started and will procrastinate a little. It’s not that I don’t want to do the project, it’s because I know that once I start I probably won ‘t be able to stop. You could be in the same room with me and during those times you cease to exist. Even my surroundings in the room become a blur except for the piece I’m working on. It can be maddening when interruptions occur and I lose my temper and become difficult.
I thought in my younger days that this compulsion would lessen as I grew older but it has not. It’s been both a blessing and a curse over the years but I’m certain I would miss it if for some reason it just disappeared. I guess I’ll do my best to relax today but both my better-half and I know what I’ll be thinking about. Tomorrows project.
Another winter in Maine is finally taking it’s last freaking gasp and will soon be gone. I have only one thing to say to that, "Good-bye, Good Riddance, and Go Away". In my opinion it’s overstayed it’s welcome by at least two weeks already. It’s much like a house guest who stays too long causing you to start out liking them, then disliking them, and finally detesting them.
I’m sitting in bed refusing to get up and start another day with the same mind crunching routine which I’ve fallen into of late. I first wake up slowly out of odd and strange dreams which usually amuse me, but not today. I make a bathroom pit stop, feed the cat, get my coffee, and return to the bed with my IPad. As I begin writing I’m also thinking about my work list for the day and cringe a little. After ten minutes I return to the kitchen for another cup of coffee and more visualization of the tasks ahead of me.
The room remodel has taken over my days but is much c.loser to completion than this time last week. Ninety percent of the drywall has been installed with the final sheets in place by this coming Friday. Then it’s a few days of sanding, priming, painting, putting up the new fixtures, wall plugs, light switches and baseboards and then DONE.
In order to complete these kinds of projects you really must have the proper motivation or it could stall and never be completed. That’s the job of my better-half. I’ve called her many things over the years but for right now she’s my motivator. Part of her skill set is knowing just when to tweak my nose about things to restart my engines and then haughtily walk away pretending she doesn’t care in the least. Some people might call that passive-aggressive, but not me. I call that motivation with a twist. For example I hear things like this, "Oh honey the room is really shaping up and the drywall looks amazing. It always surprises me that you are able to do this work as well as you do. It looks like there’s a bit of a gap between those two sheets. Is it supposed to be that wide? Will it make the drapes I just bought look like their hanging crooked? Don’t forget to fix that before we start painting." And so it goes!
She has no subtlety at all. She started a week ago arriving home from her shopping trips with questions about what furnishings would look best in the new room. What kind of older, cool looking vanity she would purchase for her huge collection of makeup and lotions. She dragged me out one day to just visit a few stores for an hour or so. I ended up looking at throw rugs and other assorted furnishings for the new room. She’s about as subtle as a hand grenade.
Regardless of all the gamesmanship the room will be completed at least two weeks ahead of schedule. Hooray for me because I’ve been assured and promised there would be no more major projects until next Fall. The translation of that promise is actually this, "Honey, I think the living room is looking too peachy. I’m really sick of that color and maybe we should change it out before any of the summer guests arrive. What do you think?
Like I said, subtle!
Do you have termites? Are you aware of termites? If you answered yes to those two questions then you are eligible to participate in Termite Awareness Week celebrated between March 25-29. Another of those socially responsible and politically correct observances that no one ever pays attention to. I really don’t have more more to say in the matter since it’s a totally ridiculous observance. I just thought it was my civic duty to make everyone aware. What’s the point in having observances if no one is observing.
I’m about to rant a bit about a few things political so those of you with your heads in the sand may want to go elsewhere. This morning my better-half and I made the mistake of going food shopping at a local establishment. I hope your all as happy as I am to see the food prices continuing to skyrocket. It was also a good week for bad news for those of us on a fixed income. Medicare costs are climbing at a rate well beyond food costs, gas prices are climbing to near $4.00 a gallon, and my taxes are going through the roof. Am I I permitted to complain and bitch or is that against the rules these days. My Medicare Supplemental program just advised me that my monthly premiums will be increased approximately 55% in the coming months along with most of the deductibles and co-pays. Just good news all around thanks to the skilled crafters of the Obamacare Medical Plan and the big “O” himself.
My doctor of 12 years announced a month ago that he and his wife (also a doctor) had sold their practice and were leaving the country. It was no longer possible for them to afford to stay here under the preposterous government mandated Obamacare increases and restrictive rules. Remind me to thank the effing President for nothing except maybe destroying the countries healthcare system and the economy in one fatal swoop.
I hope all of you Obama supports will line up at the polls in a few years to help elect him for a third term. I figure he’s been working diligently to find a way to bypass the constitution once again and make himself President/King/Dictator for life. Then we can show the world what a second rate country we really are becoming with our own version of Hugo Chavez.
What a freaking nightmare!
I’ve decided to have a quiet and restful day today to catch my breathe and relax a little. My better-half is off to work in my car since her vehicle took a hissy fit this morning and refused to start (allegedly). I was awakened by her at 5:00 am from a wonderfully deep sleep to be brought up to speed about her car. It’s moments like that for me that test the limits of any relationship.
I became just conscious enough to tell her where my car keys were and for her to take my car. I immediately attempted to fall back to sleep but as you all know once your awakened it’s sometimes impossible. I laid in bed for another half hour and finally gave up. I threw on some clothes, had a cup of really awful coffee, and headed to the garage to address her problem.
You must understand that my better-half has super powers never before seen on this planet. She is Anti-Technology Girl and has the ability to just look at a piece of technology or machinery and cause it to not work. I cringe every time she walks by any of my computer equipment because sometimes that’s all it takes. She has the ability to cause any device with virtually no moving parts to malfunction repeatedly but only when she’s using it. It’s freaking scary sometimes.
She can pick up a brand new remote control that was working properly for me five minutes ago and have it fail. I try to humor her but at times it’s just not possible. Her list is endless; computers that make errors that are impossible for them to make, her car that never had a problem starting won’t start, and on and on it goes with no possible explanations from her.
Being the trained observer that I am I’ve come to the conclusion that the problem just might be her. She can’t set the time on a clock, she can’t do anything on a computer without retraining every week, and I’m the guy who gets to spend his life following her around to fix these problems.
All of that being said I just knew that when I arrived in the garage this morning that her car would start. I climbed into the car, turned the key, and it started immediately without any weird sounds or hesitation whatsoever. Oh, did I forget to mention what the first thing she asked me in my groggy half-awake state? "What did you do to my car? That statement alone should tell you the rest of the story.
It’s not often she’s rendered speechless about anything but when I called to tell her the car was fine I received a full five seconds of dead silence. I should call the Guinness World Record people since in my experience that is a world record if there ever was one.
Now I’m free to go about my life knowing I’ve solved another of her hundreds of mysterious problems that seem to fix themselves as soon as I arrive. That’s what every successful relationship is I suppose; give and take, good and bad, and about a ton of BS you both have to ignore to survive together.
Ain’t love grand.
Well, we’re buried under another foot of snow and I’m beginning to hate it. Mother Nature’s taking it upon herself to be annoying and there are a few hundred thousand people here in Maine who are no longer amused. Today was spent sitting in the house and looking longingly out the window for one ray of the ever illusive sunshine. After a few hours of that I was ready to fire up the snowblower and get to work. After clearing the snow I returned to the house to again sit and look out the window until the snow again piled up. Today that is my life.
Around 2 pm I retired to the man-cave for a few hours of computer time and some quality time with the cat. He was no help at all so in frustration I returned to my dry walling project. I set up an area in the garage and began to cut the drywall panels for the room remodel. What a mess. I finished enough panels to do about half of the walls and called it a day when I realized the longer I worked the more mess I was making. Falling back to an always available old saying, "all things in moderation", made it easy for me to clean up the area and walk away. My better-half, that burley female construction worker (sarcasm), assisted me in carrying the panels up to the second floor which was a real backbreaker for both of us. I felt a little better about returning to my snow watching after having accomplished something today. From weather reports it appears the storm will be lasting until sometime tomorrow so I’ll be snowblowing well into the night. Oh joy!
Fortunately my Harry Potter-2 X-box game arrived two days ago (thank you Amazon) and I was able to spend an hour or so creeping around Hogwarts castle looking for trouble. It’s was a great way to clear my head and relax (at least for me) for a little while.
Tomorrow the snow will stop, the roads will be cleared of snow, and I can get back into my spring time mindset. I can’t let this snow ruin my Spring Fever feelings.
I’m celebrating today because yesterday I received a letter from my doctor. Truthfully, it’s not the kind of letter I like receiving but it is what it is and unfortunately for me it’s colonoscopy time again. Before I go much further I like to throw out a huge thank you to my late mother Janet. It’s her medical history and genetic inheritance that requires me to have these procedures. Her history of colon cancer and cancerous polyps has placed me at the head of the line for frequent colonoscopies. Thanks a lot Mom.
It all started for me in 2004 when my new doctor at that time was reviewing my medical history and gave me the bad news that colonoscopies were about to become a huge part of my life. I had no knowledge of what colonoscopies were at that time but I was to find out rather quickly how much fun they weren’t. As the first colonoscopy approached I was directed to pick up a “Colonoscopy Preparation Kit” at my doctors office. It contained a gallon of liquid and a couple of pouches of powder that were to be mixed together and consumed the night before the procedure. I actually laughed when he told me that I had to drink that entire gallon in one sitting (no pun intended). He also warned me not to wander too far from a bathroom which I failed to take all that seriously. Big gigantic mistake number one.
Being the obedient person that I am I followed his instructions to the letter and discovered very quickly that his warnings were not to be taken lightly. I was sitting quietly on my deck when I felt a rumble. It felt like a very small earthquake tremor at first but immediately I realized I might be more than a few steps too far from the closest bathroom. I became a cross between Mt. Vesuvius and a high pressure fire hose. I almost made to the bathroom but not quite. Big gigantic mistake number two.
After a hour of sitting, then an hour of cleanup I was cleansed inside and out and ready to go. I was very nervous about the procedure but after receiving some really excellent drugs I was ready for anything. I remember vaguely my ass hanging out in the wind and a number of people back there talking and looking around. The next thing I remember I was in the recovery room, a much more humble person to be sure.
The good news was that my first colonoscopy experience was over and the bad news was given to me later by the doctor. I’d be required to do this every three years for the rest of my effing life. I wasn’t thrilled about that fact but I understand how important these procedures are to extending my life.
Since that first experience I’ve had three additional colonoscopies and I hate to admit it but I think I’m getting used to them. The first one they knocked me out with drugs, the second one I took a lighter drug dose and was able to remain semi awake and able to listen to the doctors and nurses as they reamed me out. The third one I took an even smaller dose of drugs and was able to talk with the doctor while he was doing the procedure and they even brought in a small television so I could see exactly what the camera stuck up my butt was showing the doctor. I don’t think I’ll do that again because that was a little weird. It was like looking down a long pink and disgusting tunnel. That’s one TV show I think I’ll pass on the next time around. I’ll just stick to the good drugs, take a short nap, and deal with my sore butt later.
I should gladly note that these procedures failed to find any major problems for which I’m exceedingly grateful. They’re actually a very efficient way for early detection and treatment of what could be a life threatening situation. When your told for the first time that you need to have a colonoscopy, just smile, drink your laxatives, and enjoy the drugs. It could save your life.
