Archive for the ‘Limericks’ Category
As someone who’s crazy for limericks of all kinds, I thought I’d introduce a new contributor to this blog. The name is John Ciardi, and he was a close friend of Isaac Azimov, my favorite limerick author. They partnered up back in the 70’s and wrote a book of their limericks. It was a limerick war between the two as part of their competitive friendship. I’ve blogged many of Azimov’s limericks and I think it’s only fair to give Mr. Ciardi equal time. Here are a few of his gems.
😂😂😂
There once was a girl who intended
To keep herself morally splendid
And ascend into Glory,
Which is not a bad story,
Except that that’s not how it ended.
😫😫😫
One semester a young prof named Innis
Taught two hundred coeds’ what sin is.
Not, bad, I acknowledge,
For a small country college,
But not worth recording in Guinness.
🤪🤪🤪
A businesslike lady once baited
The door of her flat with X-rated
Interior views,
And, in neon, FREE BOOZE.
Then stretched out on a bearskin and waited.
😎😎😎
A word spout named Howard Cosell
Set his sights on the language Nobel
By over inflating
His confabulating,
But to blow hard is not to blow well.
THANK YOU MR. CIARDI
First, a retro bumper sticker from the 1970’s:
SORRY, I DON’T DATE OUTSIDE MY SPECIES
Secondly, an off-the-wall NY Yankee headline:
A-Rod Goes Deep, Wang Hurt.
Thirdly, a quote all Americans should read and remember:
“My definition of a free society is a society where it is safe to be unpopular.”
Adlai Stevenson
And last but not least a memorable limerick about limericks:
The limerick’s an art form complex,
Whose contents run chiefly to sex.
It’s famous for virgins
And masculine urgings,
And vulgar, erotic effects.
As everyone is probably aware, I absolutely love limericks. I will present a few today but for those of you of German heritage and anyone who can speak German, this first one is for you. I have to admit that Germany is not known for its limericks but here is one in German with a translation. I think if the translation is accurate (and I’m not sure it is), it’s one of the worst limericks ever written. If anyone out there can translate it properly, please do, and sent me the corrected version by email to everyuselessthing2@yahoo.com.
Ein dicklicher mann in Peru
Der traumte mal von einer kuh;
Und alse r erwacht
Da ha ter gelacht:
Seine frau stand am bett und macht
😷😷😷
A plumpish chap in Peru
Was dreaming about a cow.
When he awoke,
He couldn’t help laughing,
His wife was standing at the bedside saying “Moo!”
😷😷😷
Now that that silliness is over let’s get on with a couple of limericks written by children. After previous posting of kids’ limericks, I received a number of requests for more. Here are a couple.
By Raymond Coleman (Age 11)
There was a young lad called Davy
Who hated the food in the Navy.
He couldn’t have beef
In case his false teeth
Would drop out and fall in the gravy.
😷😷😷
By Amanda Chew (Age 13)
There was a math teacher named Rundle
Who tied up his books in a bundle.
It’s too heavy he feels,
So put it on wheels,
Now Rundle can trundle his bundle!
😷😷😷
MORE ADULT LIMERICKS ARE ON THE WAY SOON
Today’s post will be short and sweet. I was drawn back into the arms of medical community this week with blood work and a CT scan. I sure haven’t missed that hospital, that’s for certain. I pissed away my entire day today being passed from one room to another and poked and prodded by a new group of strangers.
This was the beginning of my last (hopefully) quarterly scan. If the cancer remains in remission, I’ll be looking forward to a twelve-month period of being doctor-free as well. Next week’s two visits will tell the tale. The Oncology department will be tearing apart the results of these tests to give me a final determination on the cancer. I’m keeping my fingers crossed as you can imagine. Here’s two appropriate medical limericks to end this lovely effing day.
There was an eccentric old boffin
Who observed, in a fierce fit of coughing:
“It isn’t the cough
That carries you off –
It’s the coffin they carry you off in!”
🍩🍆🍩🍆🍩
An unfortunate fellow named Lestyn
Has fifty-five feet of intestine.
Though a huge success
In the medical press,
It isn’t much good for digesting.
HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND
STUPID HEADLINE
DEER WITH BIG RACK IS FEMALE, IT TURNS OUT
RETRO BUMPER STICKERS
I’M BI-COASTAL
RETIRED. NO PHONE. NO ADDRESS. NO MONEY
ANSWER MY PRAYERS. STEAL THIS EFFING CAR
BEYOND BITCH
BEER MADE ME WHAT I AM TODAY
STUPID QUOTES by Ralph Kiner
Ralph Kiner, Pittsburgh Pirates Hall of Fame slugger, was the broadcast voice of the Mets in the 60’s. For all of you baseball fans out there, here are a few of his gems.
“Today is Father’s Day, so to all of you fathers out there, we’d just like to say, Happy Birthday!”
“Solo homers usually come with no one on base.”
“Tony Gwynn was named player of the year for April”
If Casey Stengel were alive today, he’d be spinning in his grave.”
ONE RUDE LIMERICK by Isaac Azimov
There was an old fellow from Tripoli
Who used to make love rather nippily.
Said his angry young lass
While rubbing her ass,
“Less teethily, please, and more lippily.”
🍆🍆🍆
THANKFULLY SPRING IS COMING SOON
Today’s been a slow day here in Maine and after two days of sunshine we’re back to our normal gray, cold, and miserable days. When trying to decide what to post today, I went back into my e-mails and discovered quite a few requests for more children’s limericks. I enjoy them myself but in truth, I love the bawdy ones just as much. Here are a few from the kids. I hope you enjoy them.
And undisciplined child named McLundy
Always got to school late, until one day
He was early for once,
But the ignorant dunce
Had forgotten that it was a Sunday!
😃😃😃
A greedy young schoolboy called Mark
Stuffed bananas all week, for a lark.
And when he was done,
Gobbled nuts by the ton,
Now he swings through the trees in the park.
😄😄😄
A robber named Brian McGrew
Decided to burgle a zoo.
But he foolishly stole a
Huge boa constrictor
Which ate him without more ado!
😁😁😁
A naughty young schoolboy from Datchet
Sneak off with his grandfather’s hatchet.
Then was heard to cry: “Oh!
I’ve chopped off my toe!
Won’t somebody please re-attach it?”
Well, it looks like winter is finally fading away. What does that mean to most of us? Warm weather and lots of sports. Today I want to combine your love of sports with my love of limericks. Here are four limericks concerning golf and baseball. Enjoy!
They say that ex-president Taft,
When hit by a golf ball, just laughed,
And said:” I’m not sore,
But although he called “Fore”,
The place that it struck me was “aft!”
🍀🍀🍀
A golfer, employing a wedge,
Clipped his chip shot behind a thick hedge.
But he hadn’t been seen,
So, he strolled to the green
And dropped a new ball on the edge.
🍀🍀🍀
The slider just slid past the bat,
And the curveball? Too flat to get at.
The pitcher’s last ball
Was his fastest fastball,
So, I’m three strikes and out. And that’s that!
🍀🍀🍀
I hit every home run we score.
I catch every catch and what’s more
I ain’t missed a game,
You may not know my name,
But I’m up here in row eighty-four.
PLAY BALL!!!
A few days ago, I posted a mish-mosh of items which included two limericks from young children. I love the fact that there are kids growing up into a new generation of limerick writers. I would hate to think limericks would fall by the wayside here in the 21st century when they’ve added so much amusement and laughter for hundreds of years. I have a collection of children’s limericks that I’ll share with you periodically because they are cute, adorable and much less bawdy than their adult counterparts. These are for those of you who are too delicate to read the real deal. I hope you enjoy them.
👩🏻👳🏻♂️👲🏻
Consider the poor hippopotamus
His life is unduly monotonous.
He lives half sleep
At the edge of the deep,
And his face is as big as his bottom is.
👩🏻👩🏻🦰👩🏻🦳
A sea serpent saw a big tanker,
Bit hole in its side and then sank her.
He swallowed the crew
In a minute or two,
And then picked his teeth with the anchor.
👱🏻♂️👲🏻👨🏻🦳
There was a young bather from Bewes,
Who reclined on the bank of the Ouse,
His radio blared,
And passers-by stared,
For all he had on was the news!
👼🏻👱🏻♂️👳🏻♂️
“What,” said our teacher, Ms. Pink,
“Is this moth doing here in my ink?”
Said a cheeky young lass,
At the front of the class,
“The Butterfly Stroke, I should think!”
NOT TOO BAD FOR YOUNGSTERS
Today is the perfect day for a pile of miscellaneous information that you didn’t realize you were missing. First a “Stupid Headline”, then a quote from the late Larry King, and thirdly a few retro bumper stickers to take you back to the 70’s. Last but not least two children’s limericks. Enjoy!
😝😝😝
STUDENT EXCITED ABOUT DAD GETTING HEAD JOB
🤓🤓🤓
“I never learned anything while I was talking.” – Larry King
🚘🚖🚗
GUNS CAUSE CRIME, LIKE FLIES CAUSE GARBAGE
NOT ALL WOMEN ARE FOOLS, SOME ARE SINGLE
I DON’T CARE WHAT YOUR OTHER CAR IS, WHAT YOU LOVE, OR WHAT YOU’D RATHER BE DOING
☘☘☘
There once was an organic leek
That had managed to learn how to speak.
At the site of the knife,
It would fear for its life,
And go: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!
☘☘☘
There was a young girl named Miss Muffet
Who sat down one day on a tuffet.
She’d sooner have had
A chair, I might add,
But sometimes you just have to rough it.
ENJOY YOUR DAY (TGIF)
For many years after moving to New England, I spent a great deal of time in dozens of local cemeteries in southern Maine, checking out epithets, and anything else interesting that I could find. There was a time when I would stretch T-shirts over old tombstones and do rubbings of family names and places which I then sold in a local gift shop. Business became so brisk I was able to take requests from certain families to memorialize their long dead relatives. It was a little weird at times but very interesting. I also got to meet a few of the local law enforcement officers who repeatedly stopped to check me out. The epithets were remarkable since most of the early deaths were colonists from England, the home of the limerick. What follows are not the ones I discovered back then but discoveries made by other morbid folks who were also fascinated by them. Here are a few priceless ones I think you might enjoy.
Sacred to the memory of Anthony Drake,
Who died for peace and quietness’ sake.
His wife was constantly scolding and scoffin’,
So, he sought for repose in a twelve-dollar coffin.
Burlington Massachusetts
🎇🎇🎇
Here lies Ann Mann;
She lived an old maid and
She died an old Mann.
Bath Abbey, England
🎇🎇🎇
Sacred to the memory of
Elisha Philbrook and his wife Sarah
Beneath these stones do lie,
Back-to-back, my wife and I!
When the last trumpet the air shall fill,
If she gets up, I’ll just lie still.
Sargentville, Maine
🎇🎇🎇
Sacred to the memory of
Jared Bates
who died August 6, 1800.
His widow, age 24, lives at 7 Elm
Street, has every qualification for a
good wife and yearns to be comforted.
Lincoln, Maine
🎇🎇🎇
THINK UP A GOOD ONE FOR YOURSELF
AND LEAVE IT WITH A FRIEND
everyuselessthing.com 