Archive for the ‘Looking Back’ Category
Christmas is almost upon us and New Years is quickly approaching. I thought a little more Christmas humor was in order and also a healthy dose of New Year’s ridiculousness. Todays posting is a series of quotation’s from the rich and famous, the poor and unfamous, and from our favorite person of all time, Anonymous.
Christmas
Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his presents remembered. Phyllis Diller
Christmas is a race to see which gives out first – your money or your feet.
Anonymous
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included. Bernard Manning
Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present. Anonymous
Come to me. I want to plow you like a Calgary driveway at Christmas.
John Cleese, “Monty Python”
The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband. Joan Rivers
There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them. P.J. O’Rourke
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
Johnny Carson
Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space. Dave Barry
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
Shirley Temple
Many banks have a new kind of Christmas club in operation. The new club helps you save money to pay for last year’s gifts. Anonymous
The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other. Johnny Carson
I know some of these quotes are corny and stupid but never forget, so are we all at times. Now let’s hop, skip and jump onto the New Year’s bandwagon with a few more potentially humorous adages.
New Year’s
Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to. Bill Vaughn
The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year’s Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you’re married to. P.J. O’Rourke
Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you’ve met your New Year’s resolution. Jay Leno
A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
Anonymous
It wouldn’t be New Year’s if I didn’t have regrets. William Thomas
The only way to spend New Year’s Eve is either quietly with friends or in a brothel. Otherwise when the evening ends and people pair off, someone is bound to be left in tears. W.H. Auden
Happiness is too many things these days for anyone to wish it on anyone lightly. So let’s just wish each other a bile-less New Year and leave it at that.
Judith Crist
New Year’s Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time. James Agee
People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas. Anonymous
Be at war with your vices; at peace with your neighbors, and let every new year find you a better man. Benjamin Franklin
I’m a little bit older, a little bit wiser, a little bit rounder, but still none the wiser. Robert Paul
Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right. Oprah Winfrey
Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account. Oscar Wilde
I made no resolutions for the New Year. The habit of making plans, of criticizing, sanctioning and molding my life, is too much of a daily event for me. Anais Nin
THREE SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
Are you really a Christmas person or do you just go through the motions like so many people do. Over the years I’ve developed into a pretty decent gift giver. I do the necessary research and when I give a gift it means something to me and to the person I’m gifting. That being said I’ve received some of the worst gifts ever on Christmas from people who claimed to be my friends. I hate being phony and it’s really difficult to look sincere with a ‘Thank You’ when I receive a gift that is horrible, stupid, or totally useless. I might pull a few facial muscles just trying to keep a stupid smile on my face.
I decided today I’d put together a list of some of the things that I’ve received over the years that I absolutely hated. Anyone reading this who is responsible for sending me these gifts, you suck. I wasn’t able to tell you that at the time because I was being polite but “you suck”. I wish I had the ability to regift all of those crappy items you folks spent so little time giving a thought to. Tell me how much you would love receiving one of these precious and thoughtless gifts.
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Ugly Christmas Sweaters – I received two of these over the years. One was made by my mother and the second was made by a friend of the family. Honestly, I never wore either except for the five minutes after I opened the package and had no choice. Their final destination is unknown. I think Goodwill received them years ago.
Cheap Perfume – This is usually a gift I would consider for those young ladies with whom my relationship was on the wane. No more than a quart size bottle and pay no more than a $1.99. I searched for the worst smelling stuff I could find, wrapped it up real pretty and threw it under the tree and quietly walked away. This stuff smells to high heaven and clings on clothing like Super Glue. Nothing says we’re through like that good old funeral home fragrance.
Scratchers – Lottery scratchers are probably the most uncaring gift you could give anyone. While buying a cup of coffee you throw couple of scratches in the bag. Give them to the first chump who needs to be given a gift but that you don’t give a damn about. I refuse to give them as gift’s because nothing would piss me off more than to have some schmo I don’t care all that much about win money.
Hip Hop CD’s – I would really only give these as gifts if I could find a few in a bargain bin somewhere that didn’t cost me more than a dollar apiece.
Any Richard Simmons Workout DVD – This I would give as gifts to all of the fat asses I know who refuse to exercise or to eat properly or do anything healthy. Unfortunately knowing my friends and family the way I do I’d get this regifted almost immediately.
Positive Pregnancy Test – I’ve never received one of these in my life but I certainly worried about receiving a few.
Chia Pet – I’ve received these and given them as gifts in the past. It became something of a tradition with my son when as very young kid he told me he thought they were cool. For 6 years he received a different Chia Pet and I loved every second of the expressions on his face when he opened those packages.
Ugly Holiday Ties – this was always my son’s response to all the Chia pets. He made me pay.
Snuggie – You really have to dislike a person to give this as a gift. It’s the worst and dumbest thing ever thought up and I can name at least five people I’d immediately give one to. Not much else to say.
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FOUR SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
It’s Tuesday and we have seven shopping days left until Christmas. Are you stressed, pissed, and have you completely lost your sense of humor? Well, welcome to the club. Since Christmas has both the ability to excite and depress me I think a little darkness is necessary which fits right in with my current mindset. I’ve collected tombstone epithets for years and even took to the graveyards of Massachusetts while living there and made gravestone rubbings of some of the more interesting. They are at times poignant, heartfelt, funny, and even sarcastic. They do tend to get right to the point about the dearly departed who would be spinning in their graves if they ever read them. I hope they make you smile like they do for me.
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Here lies Lester Moore, four slugs from a 44, no Les, No More. Tombstone, Arizona
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Of children in all she bore twenty-four: Thank the Lord there will be no more. Canterbury, Kent, England
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Here lies the body of John Mound, Lost at Sea and never found. Winslow, Maine
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Here lies I, Jonathan Fry. Killed by a sky-rocket in my eye socket. Frodsham, Cheshire, England
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Here lies John Ross, Kicked by a horse. Channel Islands, England
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Here lies Jane Smith, wife of Thomas Smith, marble cutter. This monument was erected by her husband as a tribute to her memory and a specimen of his work. Monuments of the same style 350 dollars. Springdale, Ohio
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Neglected by his doctor, ill treated by his nurse, his brother robbed the widow, which made it all the worse. Dulverton, Somerset, England
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Stranger approach this spot with gravity; John Brown is filling his last cavity. A Dentist
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Beneath this stone old Abraham lies; Nobody laughs and nobody cries. Where he is gone and how he fares, Nobody knows and nobody cares. For Abraham Newland
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Beneath these stones repose the bones of Theodosius Grim; He took his beer from year to year, and then the beer took him. A Beer Drinker
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Here lies the body of our Anna, Done to death by a banana. It wasn’t the fruit that laid her low, but the skin of the thing that made her go. Enosburg, Vermont
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Grim Death took me without any warning, I was well at night and dead in the morning. Sevenoaks, Kent, England
I looked up a few others in my archive since I know you all love your celebrities. Some are cute, some lame, but who really cares?
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My Jesus, mercy” Al Capone
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“The best is yet to come.” Frank Sinatra
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“This is the last of Earth! I am content!” John Quincy Adams (1767 – 1848)
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“Truth and History. 21 Men. The Boy Bandit King. He Died As He Lived. William H. Bonney ‘Billy the Kid'” Billy the Kid (unknown)
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“That’s all, folks!” Mel Blanc (the epitaph is the trademark line of cartoon character Porky Pig.
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“I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.” Winston Churchill
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“She did it the hard way” Bette Davis
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“Nothing’s So Sacred As Honor And Nothing’s So Loyal As Love” Wyatt Earp
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“I had a lover’s quarrel with the world” Robert Frost
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“Hey Ram” (Translated “Oh, God”) Mahatma Gandhi
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“Free at last. Free at last. Thank God Almighty I’m Free At Last.” Martin Luther King, Jr.
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“Workers of all lands unite. The philosophers have only interpreted the world in various ways; the point is to change it.” Karl Marx
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“Truth to your own spirit” Jim Morrison
GET SOME REST, ONLY SEVEN SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
I’m was never in high school during the 1950’s. I just wanted to be clear on that point because I was in what is now called Middle school. To say there are differences between now and the fifties is a huge understatement. As mentioned yesterday, political correctness is responsible for accelerating that change. Here are a few hypothetical scenarios showing the differences. When you first read them you might think the writer was exaggerating to make a point. If you really look at it honestly you can see it’s not exaggerated at all.
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Scenario 1:
Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck’s gun rack.
1957 – Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2013 – School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1957 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2013 – Police called and SWAT team arrives — they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1957 – Jeffrey sent to the Principal’s office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2013 – Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2013 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse, Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy’s mom has an affair with the psychologist.
Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 – Mark shares his aspirin with a friend who also has a headache.
2013 – The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.
1957 – Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2013 – Pedro’s cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario 7:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1957 – Ants die.
2013 – ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents – and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny’s dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 –In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2013 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
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Do you honestly think it was exaggerated? I don’t. I’m glad for two things this Christmas season. One, that I’m not a kid attending school these days, and second, I have no grand children in the schools yet. It gives me time to get their minds right before the liberal academics begin their propagandizing.
MERRRRRRY CHRISTMAS
I wonder about Christmas sometimes. We know it wasn’t the actual day that Christ was born and we’re pretty sure the entire story was made up well after the fact by people who weren’t even there. Yet it remains the ultimate religious observance except maybe for Easter where religion has slowly faded into the background. As always I have a lot of questions and felt the need to search out some answers. Unfortunately there are as many answers as there are versions of the original story. Here’s a few that I found.
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Why are there Twelve Days of Christmas?
Traditionally, it took the ‘Three Kings’ this number of days to find the baby Jesus. Their arrival on the twelfth day was celebrated in the form of the Feast of Epiphany in medieval France, and later in other countries.
Where did the Candy Cane come from?
In a small Indiana town, there was a candy maker who wanted to spread the name of Jesus around the world. He invented the Christmas Candy Cane, incorporating symbols for the birth, ministry, and death of Jesus Christ. He began with a stick of pure white, hard candy to symbolize the Virgin Birth. The candy maker formed the stick into a “J” to represent the name of Jesus or it can also represent the staff of the “Good Shepherd.” He thought the candy was too plain so he stained it with a red stripe to symbolize the blood shed by Christ on the cross.
Weird Christmas Games
Shoe the Wild Mare
Shoeing the Wild Mare is a traditional Christmas game that goes back to at least the early 17th century. Get a narrow(a few inches wide),strong wooden beam and suspend it from the roof with two even length ropes. The beam is the ‘mare’ of the title and should be level yet high enough above the floor so that a player’s feet are off-ground. A player ‘the farrier’ then sits on the ‘mare’ in the center, a leg on either side. This player has a hammer and has to give the underside of the beam “four time eight blows” at a designated spot. If he falls off, it is someone else’s turn. Much hilarity, and the odd broken shoulder ensues.
Snapdragons
Apparently this is the best game ever to play on Christmas Eve. Make sure you have the fire department on speed dial though. Very popular from the 16th to the 19th centuries, Snapdragons has explicably declined in popularity.
Gather everyone around the dining room table, place a large flat dish in the center. In the dish scatter a good handful of raisins then pour on top a layer of brandy or cognac. Set fire to the brandy and dim the lights. Players take turns plucking a raisin out of the burning liquid and eating it quickly. For a more competitive edge to the game use larger dried fruit such as apricots, one of which has a lucky coin stuffed inside.
Equipment needed: plate, matches, raisins, brandy, and the address of nearest fire department.
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I could easily have added another fifty items even more stupid than these but life’s too short. I’ve decided that every story about Christmas and every weird tradition that’s been adopted any where on the planet is nothing more than a large steaming pile. I give up. When it comes right down to it Christmas is no more legitimate than Kwanza. I’d love to be around in a hundred years or so to see what Kwansa morphs into. They’ll always be a herd of idiots who’ll believe almost anything they’re told by just about anyone. I wonder if this country will ever be invaded by Kwanza believers with bombs strapped to their chests, angry that their religion is being disrespected. It could happen. I’m also glad I won’t be here to see it.
MERRY EFFING KWANZA
A few years ago I posted this story more as therapy for myself than anything else. I suffer from a nagging case of Santa PTSB that recurs every December. I want it to be known that I was fighting terrorism as a six year old before it became fashionable. Each time I repost this story it helps me with my Santa issues like nothing else can. That big fat and jolly SOB is known in our house as Osama Bin Santa and the only difference between him and other terrorists is that Santa loves victimizing young kids. With that in mind here’s my scary and terrifying Christmas story.
As a young child my parents made every attempt to make Christmas memorable for my sister and me. My sister was very young and I was just turning 6 years old. I still firmly believed all the stories about Santa’s elves and all the other good stuff. In the back of my young mind there was a seed of skepticism secretly growing. I was beginning to have serious doubts about Santa and my parents as well. A lot of what I was being told by my trusted family members wasn’t what I was hearing on the street (school yard). My friends had almost convinced me that the whole Santa thing was just BS and that the adults were actually the real gift givers. It think it was at that early age that my trust issues with authority figures first began.
My parents began to suspect I was wavering and their propaganda was now falling on deaf ears. In a conspiracy involving my mother, her sister, my grandparents, and my Dad it was decided that drastic action was immediately necessary to convince me that Santa was the real deal. I’d been acting out a lot and being a little disrespectful to my elders so it was time for Santa to step in and straighten me out once and for all.
It was the week before Christmas and we were visiting my grandparents. I was being a huge pain in the ass as usual like a lot of six-year-olds can be at that time of the year. It was just after dark and I was walking through the house down a narrow hallway towards the kitchen. It was dark outside and as I passed the window I glanced over and almost had a six-year-old heart attack. There was Santa looking back at me and smiling a frightening smile. My blood turned cold and I got the hell out of there screaming all the way upstairs to hide under the bed. My parents let me know in no uncertain terms that Santa was out looking for those children who were being good and keeping an eye on those that weren’t. I was on the latter list, of course.
For the next few days I was a complete angel but after dark I was still nervous about looking out the windows. Santa the terrorist had accomplished his mission. I saw him again on two or three other occasions over the next two Christmases, once at our house, and again in the coal cellar at my grandparents home. Unfortunately I’d already consulted with my knowledgeable friends at the playground and I was officially a nonbeliever by then. I went along with the charade for as long as possible since my parents were giving the gifts. They finally had a meeting and decided I was just playing them for extra toys and my game was over.
Many years later while I was digging through an old trunk in my aunt’s bedroom I discovered where Santa had been hiding for all these many years. His retirement consisted of being tucked under a pile of sheets and pillowcases in that old trunk. My aunt laughed until she cried when I confronted her. We relived a very special and scary Christmas memory and enjoyed the moment very much.
What I never told her or my parents was the lingering collateral damage from their actions. To this day during the Christmas season I’m careful in dark rooms and hallways and try never to look out the windows, NEVER. In the malls and stores where Santa is holding court I stay the hell away. That guy still scares the bejesus out of me. Terrorism is no joke.
As we slowly approach Christmas Day I find a need to continue with my blogging of all things Christmas. After the last few days of watching my better-half bake enough cookies and breads to feed an army I’m ready to scream. Even with this broken leg my weight loss program continues and all these goodies in the house with their fantastic smells is driving me crazy. So I decided to hide out in the man-cave and work on a few postings. Anything to stay away from the kitchen. I’ve lost almost thirty pounds so far and the last thing I need is a Christmas holiday season full of candies and cookies.
The first thing I’d like to pass on today are a few thoughts from past and present celebrities. I know how most of you hang on their every word and I hope you enjoy this short look into their thought processes.
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‘I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.’ Bernard Manning
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‘I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.’ Shirley Temple
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‘A Christmas shopper’s complaint is one of long-standing.’ Anonymous
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‘Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe that he’s smoking?’
Arlo Guthrie
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Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Anonymous
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‘Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.’ Victor Borge
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‘The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. T hey couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.’ Jay Leno
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‘Merry Christmas, Nearly Everybody!’ Ogden Nash
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Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present. Anonymous
Next I offer you a few Christmas movie quotes. I live in a family obsessed with remembering movie quotes. Having a conversation with them and not being a movie expert makes communicating difficult at times. These quotes are for them and anyone else who’s interested.
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Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas?
You know… the birth of Santa.
Bart Simpson
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Snowman: Did you hear about the church that burned down?
Statler, Waldorf: Holy smoke! Muppet Movie
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Doris: Would you please tell her that you’re not really Santa Claus, that there actually is no such person?
Kris Kringle: Well, I hate to disagree with you, but not only is there such a person, but here I am to prove it.
‘Miracle on 34th Street’
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Look, Daddy. Teacher says every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings. It’s A Wonderful Life
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Charlie, stay away from those things. They’re reindeer, you don’t know where they’ve been. They all look like they’ve got key lime disease.
The Santa Clause Movie
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Rats. Nobody sent me a Christmas card today. I almost wish there weren’t a holiday season. I know nobody likes me. Why do we have to have a holiday season to emphasize it? A Charlie Brown Christmas
I’m not a fan of watching Christmas movies which puts me immediately in the minority. It seems everyone’s Christmas memories include one or two “special” movies that they enjoyed as kids. I stumbled on a website recently that listed the following movies as the Ten Best Christmas Movies ever. I can honestly say I haven’t seen more than three of the movies on their list. They may be right but I’m not the guy to make that call. It does seem a little odd that there are no mentions made of any recent movies like “Home Alone” or “Christmas Vacation” with Chevy Chase. Just a thought from a non-Christmas movie person.
Christmas In Connecticut (1945) – Barbara Stanwyck
It’s A Wonderful Life (1946) – Frank Capra [Best Christmas Movie]
Miracle On 34th Street (1947) – Kris Kringle
Scrooge (1951) – Alistair Sim
White Christmas (1954) – Bing Crosby Classic
A Charlie Brown Christmas
Mister Magoo’s Christmas Carol
A Christmas Story (1883) – Bob Clark
Joyeux Noel (2005) – WW1 Football Game in the Trenches
Olive the Other Reindeer
I think that’ll do it for today. If you have any suggestions on improving that movie list feel free to say so and I’ll post your changes.
16 SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
My better-half has always been known as a Christmas animal, shopping for gifts, decorating every damn thing in sight, and stressing herself to the max. Of course that stress level spills over onto me more often than not. I’m “that guy” who ends up doing the heavy lifting on most of the chores, except for the shopping and baking. Since I’ve escaped most of that nonsense this year because of my broken leg I have a little extra time for blogging and other activities. I decided to take a short trip down memory lane back to 1952 where as a 6 year old I couldn’t wait for Christmas to arrive.
As a kid Christmas seemed to be more of a religious holiday for us because of my Mom. Gifts were exchanged but weren’t the center of it all. We as a family barely had enough money for essentials let alone for purchasing large numbers of gifts. My mother was and always remained a loyal Catholic follower and I certainly admired her determination to keep the holidays something special religiously speaking.
We attended all of the many church functions and celebrations, listened to Christmas carolers, and sent out tons of Christmas cards to everyone imaginable. She’d then take all of the cards she’d received and tape them around the entry way to our living room. It seemed like a big deal back then to acknowledge each other with Christmas cards and displaying them throughout the home. Emails are fine but just aren’t quite the same as a personally signed card with a short handwritten holiday message. I remember conversations between my Mom and her friends talking about how many cards they’d each received and who sent them. It was a big deal. Sadly with today’s prices for mailing letters it would cost a small fortune to send a hundred cards to friends and family.
Check out this price list from 1952 and then match it against our current prices. It’s scary”:
House: $16,800
Average income: $3,515
Ford car: $1526-$2384
Milk: $.96
Gas: $.20
Bread $.16
Postage stamp: $.03
Hen Turkeys: $ .53 lb
Pkg of 6 Bran muffins $.21
1 lb pkg of M&M’s candies: $.59
Gillette Blue Blades, pkg of 10: $ .49
At Sears – – –
Ladies Corduroy Jackets: $4.99
Cotton knit blouses: $1.98
Men’s Rayon Sport Shirts: $3.66
Men’s cotton flannel shirt: $1.79
Red “Radio Flyer” wagon: $8.75
Westinghouse Open-Handle steam iron: $19.95
Men’s T-shirts and briefs – – –
T-shirts, 2 for $.59
Briefs, each : $.59
I guess the good old days weren’t all that bad after all. At least you could afford to live reasonably well on what we now consider pauper wages. Families felt closer and the holidays seemed to mean more than they do now.
I’m not complaining because time and things change in the blink of an eye. You can’t expect things to remain the same forever because they just won’t. You must be able to change and adapt to keep the holidays something special and meaningful not only for you but for your children. It seems a little harder to accomplish these days but it’s still doable. I’ve always known that if I work exceptionally hard at something it will mean much more to me. With that in mind I’ll spend the next two weeks helping my better-half to relax and enjoy her favorite time of the year.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS
My better-half has an addiction. It’s one of those addictions that isn’t one that is so terrible that rehab becomes an issue. Her addiction is more like being madly in love rather than addicted. I kid her about it a lot but it’s always in good, clean fun. I dedicate this posting to her and the huge garbage bag of bottle caps she’s been saving for the last thirty years. At this rate we may have enough to build her a small drinking establishment made completely of bottle caps. If we do build something like that I think it should look something like this so all of her male friends, family, and co-workers can be totally comfortable.
Now let’s get started with a list of some of her most favorite topics which are always beer related.
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The ’33’ on a bottle of Rolling Rock was originally a printer’s error. It refers to the 33 words in the original slogan. It has generated enough mystery over the years that the company left it in the label.
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. “Wet your whistle” is the phrase inspired by this practice.
In the Czech Republic, beer is cheaper than Coke. A half liter at the local pub costs just 30 cents (10.50 CZK) while a half liter of Coke costs 85 cents (30 CZK). Beer is a little more expensive than club soda (which costs 29 cents, or 10 CZK, for a half liter).
A labeorphilist is a collector of beer bottles.
A tegestologist is a collector of beer mats.
A flood of beer swept through the streets of St. Giles, England, on 17 October 1814. Caused by a rupture in a brewery tank containing 3500 barrels of beer, the tidal wave killed nine people and demolished two houses.
The first six-pack of beer was produced by the Pabst Brewery in the 1940s. The brewery conducted numerous studies, which found six cans were the ideal weight for the average housewife to carry home from the store.
In eleventh-century England, a bride would distribute ale to her wedding guests in exchange for donations to the newlyweds. This brew, known as Bride Ale, is the origin of the word ‘bridal’.
One method of checking a beer’s quality is the way in which the foam adheres to the side of the glass after each sip. Beer connoisseurs call this “Brussels lace.”
In 1888 citizens of Munich took to the streets and rioted after a beer price increase was announced.
Czechs drink the most beer in the world per capita – an average of 160 liters a year per person.
In merry old England, town inns paid a government tax known as a ‘scot’ for serving beer. Beer lovers who left town to drink at rural pubs were said to be drinking ‘scot free’.
Beer recipes have been found on Babylonian clay tablets from over 6000 years ago.
Guinness sells an average of 7 million glasses a day.
The British Army supplied its men with a cash allowance for beer, considered a vital nutritional staple on long overseas missions. With this allowance of one penny, soldiers enjoyed six pints of ale every day.
In Egypt, two containers of beer were the minimum wage for a day’s labour.
Beer was often served for breakfast in medieval England.
It was customary in the 13th century to baptize children with beer.
A barrel contains 31 gallons of beer. What Americans commonly refer to as a keg is actually 15.5 gallons, or a half-barrel.
The Budweiser Clydesdales weight up to 2,300 pounds and stand nearly 6 feet at the shoulder.
12 oz. of a typical American pale lager actually has fewer calories than 2 percent milk or apple juice.
The world’s strongest beer is ‘Samuel Adams’ Triple Bock, which has reached 17% alcohol by volume. To obtain this level, however, they had to use champagne yeast.
The oldest known written recipe is for beer.
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This posting should kick off her holiday celebration this year. I’ll be helping her stock up on her beer inventory because the worst thing that can happen is for her to run out too early. We’ll have to search diligently for a proper beer that’s special enough to be left out for Santa. To hell with that milk and cookies nonsense. In this house it’s beer and pretzels.
Little does she know that I was awake last Christmas eve when she slid quietly out of bed and drank all of Santa’s beer. My parents couldn’t fool me with the milk and cookies scam and she needs to know she can’t either. On top of everything else I hate waking up Christmas morning with a bed full of salt and pretzel chunks. They can hurt!
I decided that continuing my Christmas theme this month is important. I spent a few minutes yesterday just reading nothing but the headlines from the Drudge Report and if that doesn’t depress you, you’re a better and stronger person than I. I’ve been reading that site for years and I have to admit it’s a real downer most of the time.
In recent days I’ve slowly been developing a little of the good old kind of Christmas spirit I had as a kid. The tree has been decorated and the lights strung and my better-half has covered every surface of every piece of furniture in the house with Santa statues and assorted Christmas knick-knacks. We’re shopping hard, wrapping presents, and preparing packages for shipment to various family members located around the country. It takes a while for me to get with the Christmas program but eventually I do.
It’s meant to be a happy time so with that in mind here’s a little Santa humor to start your day.
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It was coming up to Christmas and Sammy asked his mother if he could have a new bike. She told him that the best idea would be to write to Santa Claus. But Sam, having just played a vital role in the school nativity play, said he would prefer to write to the baby Jesus. So his mother told him that would be fine.
Sam went to his room and wrote, ‘Dear Jesus, I have been a very good boy and would like to have a bike for Christmas.’
But he wasn’t very happy when he read it over. So he decided to try again and this time he wrote: ‘Dear Jesus, I’m a good boy most of the time and would like a bike for Christmas.’
He read it back and wasn’t happy with that one either. He tried a third version: ‘Dear Jesus, I could be a good boy if I tried hard and especially if I had a new bike.’
He read that one too, but he still wasn’t satisfied.So, he decided to go out for a walk while he thought about a better approach. After a short time he passed a house with a small statue of the Virgin Mary in the front garden. He crept in, stuffed the statue under his coat, hurried home and hid it under the bed. Then he wrote this letter.
‘Dear Jesus, If you want to see your mother again, you’d better send me a new bike.’
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Are you smiling? Good! Now I’ll pass along a selection of kid’s letters to Santa that should keep that smile on your face for the rest of the day. I have to admit I have no memories of writing letters to Santa as a kid but I wish I had. Being able to read them after so many years would have been great fun. Here we go.
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Dear Santa,
Please give me a doll this year. I would like her to eat, walk, do my homework, and help me clean my room.
Thank you, Jenny
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Dear Santa,
Thanks for the race car last year. Can I have another one, only this time one that is faster than my best friend’s race car?
Ricky
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Dear Father Christmas,
I wish you could leave a puzzle under the tree for me. And a toy for my sister. Then she won’t want to play with mine and I can have it to myself.
Merry Christmas, Cassie
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Dear Santa,
You can send me one of everything from the boys’ section of the Sears catalogue. But nothing from the girls’ section. I can’t wait for Christmas to come.
Kent
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Dear Pere Noel,
Could you come early this year? I’ve been really super good, but I don’t know if I can last much longer. Please hurry.
Love, Jordan
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Dear Santa,
I lost my list of toys, so please just send me the stuff that you forgot from last year.
Todd
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Dear Father Christmas,
What should I leave for your reindeer to eat? Do they like cookies, too? My mom won’t let me bring hay into the living room.
Your friend, Sandy
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Dear Santa,
I need a new skateboard for Christmas. The one I got now crashes too much. Band-aids would be OK too.
David
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Dear Santa,
Would you rather I leave you cookies and milk or pizza? Dad says you’d probably like the pizza. Write back right away to let me know.
Love, Lisa
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Dear Kris Kringle,
Please give me a tank, a jet fighter, 20 green soldiers, and a bazooka gun. I’m planning a surprise attack on my brother. So don’t tell anyone.
Thanks, Danny
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Dear Santa,
How will you get into our house this year? We don’t have a chimney and my father just installed a very expensive security system.
Julie
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Dear Santa,
Mommy says that you only bring presents for the good little boys. That isn’t fair.
Brian
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Dear Santa,
How old are you? How did you meet Mrs. Claus? Is your first name really Santa? Can I be an elf next year? Who is your favorite kid? How do you fit all those toys in your sleigh? I have more questions for later.
Your pal, Pauline
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Dear Father Christmas,
My mother told me to write to you and say thanks for the train set. My dad plays with it all the time.
Mike
I’m not sure when or where the tradition of writing these Santa letters began. The following article was released to the public in 2011 after being written in 1910. The list of items reveals the age of the letter and I’m still not totally sure what some of these items actually are.
* * *
Hannah Howard’s Christmas letter was hidden and lost in a chimney for years. The ghost of Christmas 100 years past arrived early for a County Down, Northern Ireland man when he discovered the “Santa letter” his late mother wrote when she was a girl.
The scorched letter was dated Christmas Eve 1911 and had been up a chimney in a Dublin house for decades. Victor Bartlem’s mother, Hannah Howard, had written her Christmas wish list when she was just 10 years old.
It was first discovered in 1992 when the current house owner John Byrne installed central heating. He came upon Hannah’s letter in the chimney and decided to keep it as a memento of times past. He made it public in 2011 in the Irish Times and it was there that Victor – living more than 100 miles away in Bangor, County Down, read about it.
Here is that list written over a hundred years ago.
A baby doll.
A waterproof with a hood.
A pair of gloves and a toffee apple.
A gold penny and a silver sixpence.
A long toffee.
Hannah was born on Christmas Day 1900 and she died in 1978.
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The items requested then appear to be very basic and far less demanding than our modern day equivalents. If you have young children or grandchildren, take a few minutes and let them write a letter to Santa. Then hide them away for twenty or more years. What better gift could you give the authors than a look back to their childhoods. They’ll love it.
