Archive for the ‘Poetry’ Category
It’s officially Fall here in Maine. The temperature has fallen and the winter clothing and extra blankets have been unpacked. I’m sure there are snowblowers all over the state being readied for what is sure to be coming. If that doesn’t depress you a little then nothing will. Today’s post contains limericks written in the late sixties and early seventies and should be considered poetry of a sort. They’ve even been categorized to make it easier for me to choose. Today’s theme will be “Virgins”. Enjoy!
*****
There was a young girl named Anheuser
Who said that no man could surprise her.
But Pabst took a chance,
Found Schlitz in her pants,
And now she is sadder Budweiser.
*****
There was a young fellow name Gluck
Who found himself shit-out-of-luck.
Though he petted and wooed,
When he tried to get screwed
He found virgins just don’t give a fuck.
*****
There was a young fellow named Sweeney
Whose girl was a terrible meanie.
The hatch of her snatch
Had a catch that would latch.
She could only be screwed by Houdini.
*****
A religious lassie named Claire
Was having her first love affair.
As she climbed into bed
She reverently said,
“I wish to be opened with prayer.”
*****
HAPPY MONDAY – HAVE A GREAT WEEK
With September already over and cold temperatures beginning, it’s time to have some fun before the snow starts flying. With the holidays approaching I thought I’d publish a revised version of the Worker’s Prayer. This is posted for all of those people (my better-half included) that are stuck in thankless retail jobs across the country.
The Worker’s Prayer
“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off, and also help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass I may have to kiss tomorrow.”
And just for the hell of it I decided to author a haiku as requested by a friend. Here it is.
❤️
The sky is so blue
A dot of sunshine yellow.
Forget me never.
T.G.I.F.
Here are a few cute limericks, some are written by kids and others written for kids. I hope you enjoy them.
By Colin McNaughton
Should a beast ever hunt you and find you,
He’d certainly crush you and grind you.
But here’s nothing to fear,
There are none around here,
GOOD HEAVENS! THERE’S ONE
RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!
😊😊😊
By Reg Lynes
I’ve eaten as much as I can,
I cannot digest one more gram.
I’m leaving the chips,
And the salady bits,
And the peas, and the eggs, and the ham.
🥰🥰🥰
By Margaret Brace
Archeologists dig at their leisure,
And it gives them a great deal of pleasure,
Not to mention bad backs,
As they fill up their sacks
With all sorts of muddy old treasure.
😜😜😜
By Amanda Chew
There was a young cannibal, Ned,
Who used to eat onions in bed.
His mother said “Sonny,
It’s not very funny –
Why don’t you just eat people instead?”
😏😏😏
ANOTHER DAY IN PARADISE
Once again, it’s time for a few lighthearted limericks rather than the bawdier ones we’re used to. I’ll reference the author when possible.
By Frank Jacobs
A lion whose manners weren’t nice
Played Monopoly with two white mice.
After losing, he roared,
Then devoured the board,
Marvin Gardens, both mice and the dice.
😋😋😋
By Oliver Herford
Once a grasshopper (food being scant)
Begged an ant some assistance to grant.
But the ant shook his head
“I can’t help you,” he said,
“It’s an uncle you need, not an ant.
😎😎😎
By Anon
A barber who lived in Batavia
Was known for his fearless behavia.
When a giant brown bear
Took a seat in his chair,
Said the barber, “No way will I shavia.”
😏😏😏
By Gelett Burgess
I’d rather have fingers than toes.
I’d rather have ears than a nose.
And as for my hair,
I’m glad it’s still there,
I’ll be awfully sad when it goes.
🍩🍩🍩
HAPPY MONDAY
As I’ve stated many times in the past, I’ve always had a fascination with graveyards and cemeteries. With that thought in mind, here are a few of my favorite humorous epithets. It’s good to have a sense of humor even after death.
From Enosburg, Vermont
Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn’t the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
☠️☠️☠️
From Bayfield, Mississippi
Stranger pause. my tale attend,
And learn the cause of Hannah’s end.
Across the world the wind did blow,
She ketched a cold that laid her low.
We shed a lot of tears ’tis true,
But life is short – aged 82.
☠️☠️☠️
From Medway, Massachusetts
Beneath this stone, this lump of clay,
Lies Uncle Peter Daniels,
Who too early in the month of May
Took off his winter flannels.
☠️☠️☠️
From Canterbury, Kent, England
Of children in all she bore twenty-four:
Thank the Lord there will be no more.
☠️☠️☠️
From Chelmsford, Essex, England
Herer lies the man Richard,
And Mary his wife.
Their surname was Pritchard,
They lived without strife.
And the reason was plain,
They abounded in riches,
They had no care or pain,
And his wife wore the breeches.
HAVE YOU WRITTEN YOURS YET?
It’s time once again for a few silly limericks circa 1960. These are fun limericks, and the creators will be listed if possible.
A cheerful old bear at the zoo
Could always find something to do.
When it bored him to go
On a walk to and fro,
He reversed it and walked fro and to.
😜😜😜
By Ogden Nash
A Bugler named Dougal MacDougal
Found ingenious ways to be frugal.
He learned how to sneeze
In various keys,
Thus, saving the price of a bugle.
😊😊😊
By Al Graham
A Martian named Harrison Harris
Decided he’d like to see Paris.
In space (so we learn)
He forgot where to turn
And that’s why he’s now on Polaris.
😏😏😏
By Berton Braley
Young Frankenstein’s robot invention
Caused trouble too awful to mention.
Its actions were ghoulish,
Which proves it is foolish
To monkey with Natures intention.
🥰🥰🥰
IT’S GOOD TO START A WEEK WITH SILLINESS
It’s 5:30 am and everyone is sleeping in (I hope). It’s only fair that I start this weekend with some looney limericks to help me stay awake. Not bawdy rhymes but good clean fun for all. Then it’s back to bed for another hour of sleep for me. Enjoy!
By Frank Jacobs
There once was a skunk in the dell
Who hated all people , they tell;
“Human beings,” he said,
Always fill me with dread,
Plus they give off that terrible smell!”
*****
By Mary Mapes Dodge
There once was a knowing raccoon
Who didn’t believe in the moon;
“Every month – don’t you see?
There’s a new one,” said he;
No real moon could wear out so soon.!”
*****
By Frank Jacobs
A very large woman name Kate
Is six hundred pounds overweight;
On an overseas trip
She transported by ship
In a wooden container marked “Freight.”
*****
By Gelett Burgess
I’d rather have fingers than toes;
I’d rather have ears than a nose;
And as for my hair,
I’m glad it’s still there;
I’ll be awfully sad when it goes.
ENJOY YOUR WEEKEND
I’m always good for more limericks and today’s offering is from one of my favs, John Ciardi. I’ve been a huge fan of his limericks since reading the book he shared with Issac Azimov. Two crazy smart limerick aficionados.
For a friend . . .
In a lane, a young fellow named Cooper
Committed a terrible blooper.
He had his girl bare those with more
In his car, unaware
Of a vigilant nearby state trooper.
*****
A carefree young woman named Nola
At one time in a summer pergola
Took care of three men
Again and again
And did it on just Coca-Cola.
*****
A little adultery spices
Our lives, but just look at those prices!
If they charge all that dough,
Man can’t buy it, you know,
And there’ll be a frustrational crisis.
*****
The Times tells the world what is doing;
Who’s winning, who’s losing, who’s suing,
Whose striking, who’s stealing,
Who’s dying, whose healing,
But won’t say a word on who’s screwing.
*****
LIMERICKS RULE!
I’m warm and cozy…
I hear distant sounds . . .
I feel and hear a rhythmic pumping . . .
A spasm, a sharp tug, another spasm, and then light.
I AM
❤️
Over the years I spent a great deal of time roaming through graveyards in New England and elsewhere. I’ve always found them to be very quiet and calming. I also discovered that the older the tombstones the more interesting are the epithets. Here are a few you might get a kick out of.
Beneath this stone, a lump of clay,
Lies Uncle Peter Daniels,
Who too early in the month of May
Took off his winter flannels.
😵😵😵
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent to them manna.
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
😵😵😵
Here lies my husbands, One, Two, Three,
Dumb as men could ever be.
As for my fourth, well, praise be God,
He bides for a little longer above the sod.
Alex, Ben, and Sandy were the first three names,
And to make things tidy I’ll add his – James.
😵😵😵
Here lies the body of fat May Preston
Who’s now moved to heaven
To relieve the congestion.
T.G.I.F.F.
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