Archive for the ‘Sarcasm’ Category
- Humans spend two years of their life making love.
- A recent survey revealed by prostitutes that the sexual act they are most often asked to perform is fellatio.
- The Ramses condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II, who fathered more than 160 children.
- More than 1,000,000 condoms are sold in the US – that being only 0.4% of the population.
- The average bra size is now 36C. Ten years ago it was 34B.
- According to a recent American study the candle is the device most used by women during masturbation.
- Sixteen years and two months is the average age for the loss of female virginity in the US.
- The average penguin has only one orgasm a year.
- On rare occasions menstrual cramps can induce orgasms.
- Less than 30% of parents say they can talk openly about sex with their children.
My Fav
According to a Caribbean cruise line 58% of their passengers are unable to wait more than ten hours before making love. A lifeboat is the fourth most popular place on a ship to have sex. The whirlpool bath ranked first.
🤘🏻🤘🏻🤘🏻
I VOTE YES TO SEX ON A BOAT
I’ve had a number of readers requesting another batch of jokes and humor from the 1980’s. As I compile these lists, I’ve discovered that they’re funnier today than they were when originally written. It just verifies that even low class and nasty humor lasts forever. Enjoy!
- What is a barroom? An elephant farting in an elevator shaft.
- How do you get even with the guy who’s trying to steal your wife? Let him have her.
- What happens when you sit on wet cement? You get hardening of the farteries.
- What does a gynecologist do when he’s feeling sentimental? Looks up an old girlfriend.
- What do you call a lesbian who drives a delivery truck full of dildoes? A dick van dyke.
- What’s worse than a piano that’s out of tune? An organ that stops working in the middle of a piece.
- Why did the girl fail Sex Education? She couldn’t come for the oral exam.
- How many straight New York waiters does it take to change a light bulb? Both of them.
- Why is a fat girl like a moped? They’re both fun to ride until your friends see you.
- What do you do when your girlfriend tells you to “kiss her where it smells?” Drive her to New Jersey.
☮️☮️☮️
Here’s one that really hits home for those of us who grew up during the 60’s and 70’s.
What’s the one most important rule at an orgy?
To come with the person who brought you.
This quiz may interest some of you trivia experts. This is truly a “Miscellaneous” selection from many and varied categories of trivia. As always, the answers will be posted below.
- How large was the fund bequeathed in 1896 by Alfred Nobel to establish the annual Nobel Prizes?
- What philosophy was expounded by the American League for Physical Culture, established in 1929?
- What was the first word that the blind Helen Keller learned in sign language from her teacher, Annie Sullivan?
- How much weight is saved by an airline if it doesn’t paint a Jumbo Jet?
- What was used to erase lead pencil marks before the rubber eraser was invented?
- What did Nippon Airways do to keep birds from being sucked into their plane’s engines?
- Who was described in Playboy magazine as “Mary Poppins in Joan Collins’ clothing?
- What did Lizzie Borden, Napolean, and Titian have in common?
- How big is a cord of wood?
- Where are the islands of Langerhans?
Answers
$9.2 million, Nudism, Water, 300 lbs., Pieces of Bread, They painted large eyes on engine intake manifolds, Vanna White, They were red heads, 4’X4’X8′ long, In the human body – Pancreas.
It’s “Weird Facts” Day here at Everyuselessthing. I’m offering a few odd and strange truisms you’ve probably never heard of before. Just another public service for those of you interested in the unusual. Some of this information was collected from a book authored by Dan Lewis in 2013. This is my homage to him, a fellow lover of the weirdness that is the human race.
- In August 1962, American singer Bobby “Boris” Pickett released a novelty Halloween song “Monster Mash”. The song (his only hit) reached the top of the US Billboard charts in October of that year. But it took more than ten years for it to have any success in the UK. In 1962, the BBC banned the song from the airwaves, claiming it was “too morbid.” When the song was finally rereleased in 1973, the BBC saw it immediately rise to number three on the UK charts.
- The Mona Lisa is not painted on canvas, but on three pieces of wood roughly an inch and a half thick.
- Major League Baseball pitcher Jim Abbott was born without a right hand. Nevertheless, he had a ten-year career in the league, and on September 4, 1993, threw a no-hitter.
- New York City is filled with carts selling hotdogs, pretzels, cold drinks, etc., with the core products running just a few bucks, depending on location. Central Park spots can earn as much as $175,000.00 annually, says Yahoo.com, and in 2008, one vendor bid more than $600,000.00 for the exclusive rights to sell wieners outside the Metropolitan Museum of Art.
- Toilet paper is not the greatest thing since sliced bread. It can’t be, because TP predated slice bread by more than 50 years. Commercial TP was invented in 1857 by a New Yorker named Joseph Gayetty, who sold packs of 500 sheets for $.50. It’s marketing language called the product “the greatest necessity of the age,” so perhaps, sliced bread is the greatest thing since toilet paper.
HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY
Today is as good a day as any to be silly. Here are fifteen quotes from a group of somewhat silly people. I do suspect some of them aren’t as silly as they seem to be.
“Always look out for Number One and be careful not to step in Number Two.” Rodney Dangerfield
“Men are superior to women. For one thing they can urinate from a speeding car.” Willl Durst
“Men are nicotine-soaked, beer-besmirched, whiskey-greased, red-eyed devils.” Carry Nation
“Every time I look at you, I get the fierce desire to be lonesome.” Oscar Levant
“Women with pasts interest men because they hope history will repeat itself. Mae West
“Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.” Bob Rubin
“This gum tastes funny.” Sign on a condom machine.
“It’s OK to laugh in the bedroom so long as you don’t point.” Will Durst
“Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.” Sigmund Freud
“Formula for Success: Rise early, work hard, strike oil.” John Paul Getty
“I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.” Henny Youngman
“The toughest part of being on a diet is shutting up about it.” Gerald Nachman
“I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals; I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.” A. Whitney Brown
“Your medical tests results are in. You’re short, fat, and bald.” Ziggy
“My grandmother’s brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a Democrat in the family.” Emo Philips
😋😋😋
GET SILLY
STAY SILLY
I don’t know about you, but the last week of news seems to have taken over any and all discussions about everything. Today is as good a day as any for a break from the landslide of BS from the liberal left. I’ll supply all of you with some bawdy humor to take the edge off of all the whining and crying I’ve been hearing. Turmoil is exactly what this government needs but we mustn’t let them destroy our sense of humor along with it. If these jokes make anyone smile then that’s a “mission success” for me.
It was his wedding night, and the minister finished undressing in the bathroom and walked into the bedroom. He was surprised to see that his bride had already slipped between the sheets. “My dear,” he said, “I thought I would find you on your knees.” She said, “Well, honey, I can do it that way too, but it gives me the hiccoughs.”
👴🏻👴🏻👴🏻
Here’s one for my fellow retirees.
***
So, this elderly couple were sitting in their tiny flat on the lower east side when the husband said, “Doris, we’re in bad shape. Inflation has eaten up our Social Security check. The next one isn’t due until next week and we’ve got no money for food.” “Could I do anything to help?” she asked. “Yes” he said. “I hate to see you do this but it’s the only way. You’re going to have to go out and hustle your ass on the street.” “Me?” she said. “At the age of sixty-five?” “It’s the only way,” he said. Resigned to the situation, she went out into the hot night. She came staggering early the next morning. “How did you do?” asked the husband. “Here,” she said, “I’ve got four dollars and ten cents.” “Four dollars and ten cents,” he said. “Who gave you the ten cents?” “Everybody,” she exclaimed.
👮🏻♀️👮🏻♀️👮🏻♀️
And finally, one for our law enforcement community.
***
A bobby from Nottingham Junction
Whose organ had long ceased to function.
Deceived his good wife
for the rest of her life
With the aid of his constable’s truncheon.
👮🏻👮🏻👮🏻
Would you consider yourself a superstitious person? Most people don’t think they are but when questioned further the truth always comes out. Superstition comes in a number of forms but today I want to talk about the number 13. We are a technological people creating devices and accomplishments that boggle the mind. Why is it that there are no buildings in this country with a 13th floor. That fact is absolutely ridiculous for a modern country leading the world in so many areas. Here are some other examples of how stupid and superstitious we really are.
- The fear of the number 13 or “triskaidekaphobia” seems to have been around a long time. Viking mythology claims thirteen guests were seated at Loki’s Valhalla feast. Also, there were thirteen attendees at the Last Supper.
- Friday is also considered an unlucky because it was day of the crucifixion. It is claimed that Adam and Eve also ate the forbidden fruit on a Friday. That would surely make Friday the 13th a double whammy.
- Winston Churchill, former British prime minister, never traveled on a Friday the 13th unless absolutely necessary.
- Graham Chapman of Monty Python fame arranged to be buried on the 13th hour of Friday, October 13th, 1989.
- Benny Goodman and former vice-president Hubert Humphrey died on Friday the 13th.
- Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a Friday the 13th.
- On March 13, 1992, a violent earthquake in Turkey killed more than a thousand people.
- In 1972 on a Friday, a plane crashed in the Andes without food and water compelling the survivors to turn to cannibalism to stay alive.
- On Friday, October 13, 1307, King Philip IV of France ordered the arrest and torture of all members of the Knights Templar on charges of heresy.
- German bombs hit Buckingham Palace on Friday, September 13th, 1940, during World War II.
🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛
T.G.I.F.
I ‘ve always enjoyed writing this blog because along with the fun interaction with readers I’m forced to continue my education into the use and misuse of the English language. Needless to say, after reading many of the somewhat illiterate emails I receive it’s obvious that more English needs to be taught at all levels of our education system and those of nearby countries. I suppose it would probably help a lot if the English language was mandated as the official language of this country, but until then my advice for potential legal immigrants is to learn passable conversational English and then go through the legal processes put in place to make you a future citizen. Unfortunately, that’s a subject for another day because today’s post is about WORDS.
- Dr. Seuss is credited with the first use of the word “Nerd”.
- The word “Geek” comes from the German word “geck” which means fool.
- Another classier word for “stripper” is ecdysiast.
- The longest made-up word in the Oxford English Dictionary is “pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis”
- In 1972 comedian George Carlin was arrested during a performance for publicly speaking seven unacceptable words: shit, piss, f*ck, c*nt, c**ksucker, motherf**ker, and tits. (I cleaned them up for all of you delicate types)
- Only oysters, shellfish, and clams can be “shucked”.
- There are 15 three letter words starting with the letter “Z”: zag, zap, zas, zax, zed, zee, zek, zep, zig, zin, zip, zit, zoa, zoo, and zuz. (That may help your Scrabble game)
- The toughest tongue twister in the English language is “The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep is sick.”
- The word “earthling” was first used in Science Fiction in Robert Heinlein’s 1949 novel Red Planet.
THANKS FOR THE GRAPHICS JOKO JOKES
After seeing the great response to my recent Cowboy/Western limericks, I decided to expand my Cowboy/Western repertoire to include some western humor that was once appreciated by some of our older generations. To me, funny is funny, regardless of when it was introduced so get out those Cowboy hats, have a cold beer, and give me a huge YEE HAW!
- The worst record ever cut came out of a local Nashville studio. The song is so bad it’s already replaced capital punishment in 15 states. It’s also #1 on the Billboard charts throughout Central America.
- A scientist in Tennessee has spent twenty years studying the mating habits of the Smokey Mountain squirrels. His findings will be released to the public in a new book titled: “Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex in a Nutshell.”
- A rancher paid an enormous stud fee for the use of a neighbor’s prize bull. The bull had a choice of twenty lovely cows, but a month went by and nothing happened. Finally, the rancher called his friend and complained. “Relax, “soothed the studs owner. “He’s just not in the moo-o-o-o-d!”
FRONTIER FACT
Since no insurance was available to the early settlers our ancestors really went west in “uncovered” wagons.
C & W POETRY:
There once was a singer name Dolly
Who had loads of great talent by golly.
She out croons the rest
But the best is her chest
That shakes like a quake when she’s jolly.
- Did you hear about the country boy who became a nudist. He wanted to get his soul and body in Harmony. Harmony’s father shot him.
- A girl was hired to wait tables in a Country/Western nightclub. She was given a cowboy hat, boots, and a very scanty outfit. Being the modest type, she stood in front of the dressing room mirror for thirty minutes adjusting the costume until she was satisfied that she was showing as little as possible. She walked nervously into the barroom and went to work. Later that evening her boss called her aside. “Well, did you like the job? The people?” “Yes sir”, she replied. And how are your tips?”, he asked. “Oh God”, she muttered. “Do they show?”
🤠🤠🤠
Being a huge fan of trivia of all sorts, todays post is a quiz of World trivia. This is quite a difficult test and should challenge just about everyone taking it. If you consider yourself a trivia aficionado, then this quiz will definitely test your skills. As always, the answers will be posted at the end of this post. Good luck!
- Which continent is the highest – with more than half of it 6,562 feet above sea level?
- At what speed was the Titanic traveling when it struck the iceberg and sank on its 1912 maiden voyage?
- What four Asian countries are known in economic circles as the Four Tigers?
- What country includes the islands of New Britain and New Ireland?
- Who was the first non-head of state – living or dead – to be depicted on a postage stamp?
- What great ruler died of a nosebleed on his wedding night?
- What was blamed for the death of Emperor Claudius and Tiberius, Czar Alexander I, Pope Clement VII and Charles V of France?
- What is the most popular first name in the world?
- What continent has no glaciers?
Answers
Antarctica, 22 knots-or just a little more than 25mph, Hong Kong-Singapore-South Korea-Taiwan, Russia, Papua New Guinea, Benjamin Franklin 1847, Atilla the Hun AD 453, Poison mushrooms, Muhammad, Australia
HOW DID YOU DO?
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