A few days ago I was listening to a stand-up comic on-line making jokes about the cost of women’s products he found in his wife’s vanity. He claimed to be utterly shocked that she spent $80.00 for a small vial of some magic ointment that would make her feel younger and better about herself. He made me laugh a lot but then I got to thinking. How did those products develop and where? Todays post may help you understand where it all started and who is to blame. LOL
Cosmetics and Makeup – 8,ooo years ago in Egypt.
Eye Makeup -4000 B.C. – Again from Egypt
Rouge, Face Powder, Lipstick – 4000 B.C. from the Greeks
Beaty Patches & Compacts – 17th Century Europe
Nail Polish – Pre-3000 B.C. from China
Creams, Oils, Moisturizers – 3000 B..C. from once again those damn Egyptians.
The Mirror – 3500 B.C. from Mesopotamia
Hair Styling – 1500 B.C. from Assyria
Cold Cream – 2nd Century from Rome
Modern Hair Coloring – 1909 from France
Wigs – 3000 B.C. – again from Egypt
Hair Pins – 10,000 Years Ago – from Asia
Hair Dryer – 1920 – Wisconsin, USA
The Comb – Pre-4000 B.C. from Asia and Africa
Perfume – Pre-6000 B.C. from the Middle and Far East
I decided today would be a good day to introduce all of you to “limerick time-travel”. This collection of limericks were created prior to 1900 so the wording may sound a bit strange. It just goes to further show that human beings while separated by more than 100 years write their limericks about all the same stuff. He we go . . .
💥
1879
There was a young man of Berlin
Whom disease had despoiled of his skin,
But he said with much pride
“Though deprived of my hide,
I can still enjoy a put in.”
💥💥
1878
There was a young lady of Rheims
Who was terribly plagued with wet dreams.
She saved up a dozen,
And sent to her cousin ,
Who ate them and thought they were creams.
💥💥💥
1870
There was a young lady named Tucker
Who, instructing a novice c*ck sucker,
Said, “Don’t bow out your lips
Like an elephant’s hips,
The boys like it best when they pucker.
💥❤️💥❤️💥❤️💥
And here’s a favorite from the year of my birth – 1946.
Okay everyone, say goodbye to March. It certainly won’t be missed with it’s sucky weather patterns and frigid cold which seems to last forever. My really big and repeating bitch is the local snowplow driver who once again sent my mailbox flying into the neighbors yard in pieces. That’s happened twice this winter and once while I was standing nearby. The mailbox will need to be replaced again which is nothing new, we replaced it four times in the last seven years. Enough of my whining lets get to some hopefully interesting but odd facts.
When you receive a kidney transplant, the doctors usually leave the original kidney inside of you.
There are 80,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 ways to arrange a deck of cards.
Studies suggest that placebos work even when the subject knows they are taking a placebo.
The darkest substance known is called “vantablack” and it absorbs 99.965% of all visible light.
A dying someone once actually left a cat an inheritance of 12.5 million dollars.
If you ate natural wasabi, you wouldn’t find it spicy. For spiciness it must be crushed.
Nuclear fallout was once measured in “sunshine units”.
Some blind humans are capable of echolocation.
In the 1800’s, a man proclaimed himself emperor of the United States and issued his own currency.
The Declaration of Independence was written on animal skin.
🪖🪖🪖
FUNNY AND UNCONFIRMED
Reports suggest that during the cold war, the CIA planned to demoralize the soviet people by air dropping thousands of magnum-sized American condoms labeled “Small”. (I certainly hope this isn’t true but you never know with the CIA involved.)
I try to be an avid reader of just about everything. I really enjoy reading poetry as well as being hooked on history. With today’s post I’ll try to mix those two interests. We’ll look back many years to the so-called sophisticated British Empire to find some of the most outrageous limericks and dirty jokes. It seems people are just people regardless of the time period they’re born into. The following piece of history (and I use the term loosely) will make some of you smile and some others cringe. The date of this little gem as best that can be determined was the year 1612. I’ll let you determine it’s value (if you can find any). Enjoy this piece from our sophisticated and disturbing ancestors titled “The Wooing Rogue”.
Come live with me and be my Whore
And we will beg from door to door,
Then under a hedge we’ll sit and delouse us.
Until the Beatle and come to rouse us.
And if they’ll give us no relief
Thou shalt turn Whore and I’ll turn Thief.
❤️❤️❤️
If thou can’st rob them I can steal
And we’ll eat roast-meat at every meal:
Nay! We’ll eat White bread every day
And throw out mouldy Crusts away,
And twice a day we will be drunk
And then at Night I’ll kiss my punk.
❤️❤️❤️
And when we both shall have the Pox,
We then shall want Shirts and Smocks
To shift each others mangy hide
Is with itch so pockified:
We’ll take some clean ones from a hedge
And leave our old ones for a Pledge.
❤️❤️❤️
Isn’t that the most romantic love poem ever? I agree it wasn’t nearly as interesting as works by Emily Dickenson or Robert Frost but it grabbed my heart and soul tightly and rightly. I sure wish I could have lived back then just to met the unknown author and to shake his hand. (Only after it had been thoroughly washed, of course). (SATIRE OFF)
I collect odd and unusual books and it’s not often I get truly surprised but it finally happened. I stumbled upon a book titled Bizarre Books – A Compendium of Classical Oddities. It lists in great detail some of the weirdest book titles, subtitles, and authors names I’ve ever seen. Over the next few months I’ll pick out a topic and list some of the titles mentioned in this book that apply. To start I’ve chosen a topic that will spice things up a little, Sex & Marriage. As you will see the human obsession with sex is nothing new. Here we go . . .
Seven Wives and Seven Prisons– The life of a Matrimonial Monomaniac – L.A. Abbott 1870
Shipping Semen? How to have a Successful Experience– Pennie Ahmed 1998
Sex + Sex = Gruppensex – Ruediger Bosschmann 1970
Orgasmus and Super-Orgasmus – Stephenson Verlag 1972
Castration: The Advantages and Disadvantages– Victor T. Cheney 2003
How to Pickup Women in Discos– Don Diebel 1981
Straight Talk About Surgical Penis Enlargement – Gary M. Griffin 1991
The External Genitalia of Japanese Females– Kanji Kasai 1995
In and Out and Up and Down – Jo L.G. McMahon 1922
High-Performance Stiffened Structures – Bury St. Edmunds 2000
The Bible is the most stolen book in the world despite its message containing the commandment “Thou shalt not steal,”. It’s a fact! Not only is it stolen from book stores and libraries it is also shoplifted in large numbers from just about anywhere. In it’s blatant attempt to teach and scare the hell out most Christians it also finds it necessary to describe in great detail many of mans most questionable habits. Todays post will test your biblical trivia knowledge concerning one of my favorite topics, “prostitutes”. The answers will be listed below.
Who went on a killing spree when their sister Dinah was treated like a prostitute?
Where did the prostitute Rahab live?
What judge of Israel was a prostitutes son?
What prophet did the Lord tell about two prostitutes named Oholah & Oholibah?
What character in a parable wasted his money on prostitutes?
What epistle warns Christians against patronizing prostitutes?
According to Jesus what prophet had prostitutes and tax collectors as followers?
Who ordered his daughter-in-law Tamar burned because she had acted like a prostitute?
What king served as judge when two prostitutes fought over a child?
Who had a vision of a prostitute with a city’s name engraved on her head?
✝️✝️✝️
BONUS:
According to tradition, what follower of Jesus had been a prostitute,
though the Bible does not refer to her as one?
✡️✡️✡️
Answers
Levi & Simeon (Genesis 34:25-31), Jericho (Joshua 2:1-6), Jephthah (Judges 11:1), Ezekiel ((23:1-21), The Prodigal Son (Luke 15:30), 1 Corinthians (6:15-16), John the Baptist (Matthew 21:32), Judah (Genesis 38:24), Solomon (1 Kings 3:16), John (Revelation 17:5), BONUS Mary Magdalene
Now that my never-ending retro trivia posts have been completed, it’s time to return to my first love those funny and bawdy LIMERICKS. As I’ve always said, I love limericks and I also love history. I’ve decided today to combine the two with a few limericks made famous during the World War II era. I assume some of these may have been written by a few GI’s but I can’t be sure. I find it refreshing that even during the worst war we’ve ever experienced, a sense of humor was still maintained. Some of these might be considered a little much for younger children. Be warned!
Here’s the fifth and last installment of the retro trivia series. I hope you’ve had as much fun with them as I had putting them together. The answers will be listed below. See how you do.
What craze included terms like “handglide” and backslide”?
Whose visit to South Korea in May, 1984, promoted the tightest security in that nations history?
What brand of sweetener did G.D. Searle & Company put on the market in 1983?
The U.S. mining of what nation’s harbors caused a congressional uproar in April, 1984?
What was the name of Jesse Jackson’s hoped for coalition?
What was the bug that caused havoc in California?
Who was shot and killed at the airport in Manila in 1983?
What group in 1981 was compensated $5,000.00 per person for their unusual stint overseas?
Seven people died after popping these cyanide-spiked pills?
In what nation did a Soviet submarine find itself beached in 1981?
BONUS QUESTION
What celebrated figures were married in St. Paul’s Cathedral?
👇👇👇
Answers
Breakdancing, Pope John Paul II, NutraSweet, Nicaragua, The Rainbow Coalition, Mediterranean Fruit Fly, Benigno Aguino, The Iranian Hostages, Extra Strength Tylenol, Sweden, BONUS-Prince Charles & Lady Diana Spencer,
It’s time to end this series of posts about limericks. It’s been fun writing and researching all of these older limericks and I’ll continue to do so with periodic posts of this type. I became enamored with limericks as a ten year old boy listening at the door of a card game while my father and his friends were playing poker. One of them recited the following limerick and I’ve never forgotten it. It imbodies everything I like in poetry. It’s both a little funny and a little bawdy. Enjoy. . .
☘️
There was a man from Cass
Whose balls were made of brass.
During inclement weather he’d rub them together
And lightning would shoot out of his ass.
☘️☘️
If you aren’t smiling at that one then limericks aren’t for you. Over the years I’ve written many myself and upset both friends and family because I lean to the bawdy side of things. The following ditty was written by me just a few days ago and it reminded just how much fun it is to create one. Here it is . . .
I’ve always been a huge fan of Asimov even before I learned he was a proficient writer of limericks. I’ve been reading his novels for many years and have always considered him to be fellow lover of science fiction. After reading some of his limericks I discovered his relationship with John Ciardi and their famous limerick wars. For those of you not familiar with Azimov and his works I’d recommend you read his greatest work, The Foundation Series. I love reading long and involved stories and I’d put Asimov right up there with J.R.R Tolkien and J. K Rowling. Here’s a few samples of his well constructed limericks.
everyuselessthing.com 