Archive for the ‘Celebrities’ Tag
As we slowly approach Christmas Day I find a need to continue with my blogging of all things Christmas. After the last few days of watching my better-half bake enough cookies and breads to feed an army I’m ready to scream. Even with this broken leg my weight loss program continues and all these goodies in the house with their fantastic smells is driving me crazy. So I decided to hide out in the man-cave and work on a few postings. Anything to stay away from the kitchen. I’ve lost almost thirty pounds so far and the last thing I need is a Christmas holiday season full of candies and cookies.
The first thing I’d like to pass on today are a few thoughts from past and present celebrities. I know how most of you hang on their every word and I hope you enjoy this short look into their thought processes.
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‘I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.’ Bernard Manning
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‘I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.’ Shirley Temple
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‘A Christmas shopper’s complaint is one of long-standing.’ Anonymous
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‘Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe that he’s smoking?’
Arlo Guthrie
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Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Anonymous
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‘Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.’ Victor Borge
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‘The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. T hey couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.’ Jay Leno
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‘Merry Christmas, Nearly Everybody!’ Ogden Nash
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Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present. Anonymous
Next I offer you a few Christmas movie quotes. I live in a family obsessed with remembering movie quotes. Having a conversation with them and not being a movie expert makes communicating difficult at times. These quotes are for them and anyone else who’s interested.
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Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas?
You know… the birth of Santa.
Bart Simpson
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Snowman: Did you hear about the church that burned down?
Statler, Waldorf: Holy smoke! Muppet Movie
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Doris: Would you please tell her that you’re not really Santa Claus, that there actually is no such person?
Kris Kringle: Well, I hate to disagree with you, but not only is there such a person, but here I am to prove it.
‘Miracle on 34th Street’
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Look, Daddy. Teacher says every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings. It’s A Wonderful Life
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Charlie, stay away from those things. They’re reindeer, you don’t know where they’ve been. They all look like they’ve got key lime disease.
The Santa Clause Movie
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Rats. Nobody sent me a Christmas card today. I almost wish there weren’t a holiday season. I know nobody likes me. Why do we have to have a holiday season to emphasize it? A Charlie Brown Christmas
I’m not a fan of watching Christmas movies which puts me immediately in the minority. It seems everyone’s Christmas memories include one or two “special” movies that they enjoyed as kids. I stumbled on a website recently that listed the following movies as the Ten Best Christmas Movies ever. I can honestly say I haven’t seen more than three of the movies on their list. They may be right but I’m not the guy to make that call. It does seem a little odd that there are no mentions made of any recent movies like “Home Alone” or “Christmas Vacation” with Chevy Chase. Just a thought from a non-Christmas movie person.
Christmas In Connecticut (1945) – Barbara Stanwyck
It’s A Wonderful Life (1946) – Frank Capra [Best Christmas Movie]
Miracle On 34th Street (1947) – Kris Kringle
Scrooge (1951) – Alistair Sim
White Christmas (1954) – Bing Crosby Classic
A Charlie Brown Christmas
Mister Magoo’s Christmas Carol
A Christmas Story (1883) – Bob Clark
Joyeux Noel (2005) – WW1 Football Game in the Trenches
Olive the Other Reindeer
I think that’ll do it for today. If you have any suggestions on improving that movie list feel free to say so and I’ll post your changes.
16 SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
Since my posting yesterday I’m starting to get that a tingle of Christmas spirit once again. With that in mind I thought I might gather a few more interesting tidbits for you concerning famous people and their connection to Christmas Day.
December 25 is a celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ as both an important religious and historical figure. There are many others who also claim December 25th as their birthday. They’re famous and celebrated individuals who’ve filled our world with music, laughter and entertainment. Let’s take a quick look.
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Rod Serling – 1924: Creator of The Twilight Zone, Rod Serling the Emmy-award winning writer set the stage for the future of science fiction on TV.
Annie Lennox – 1954: The angelic-voiced songstress hit it big with Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This) when she was in the musical duo “The Eurhythmics”.
Sir Isaac Newton – 1642: Sir Isaac Newton was a true Renaissance man who made leaps and bounds in the areas of mathematics, astronomy, and physics.
Sissy Spacek –1949: Although she has been making movies steadily, the one role which defined Sissy Spacek as an actress was portraying Loretta Lynn in 1980’s Coal Miner’s Daughter.
Clara Barton – 1821: She was a nurse and the original Red Cross organizer.
Dido – 1971: She is known for her hauntingly beautiful sounds that seem to transcend time.
Humphrey Bogart – 1899: He was the rough-edged actor who help put film noir on the map. While critics and fans alike tend to put Casablanca forward as one of the best movies, To Have and Have Not is a better pick.
Jimmy Buffet: 1946: Parrot-heads everywhere can rejoice.
Robert Ripley – 1893: Believe It or Not, Robert Ripley was an anthropologist, although that may not be the first occupation that comes to your mind when thinking of Ripley. He premiered his Ripley’s Believe It or Not in the form of newspaper panels.
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Now, I think it’s only right and proper to list those famous and infamous who’ve passed away on Christmas. Here we go.
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Dean Martin – 1995: A member of the famed Rat Pack, Dean Martin was a singer and an actor having starred in around 51 different films. He died Christmas morning in his home of respiratory failure brought on perhaps by his lung cancer and emphysema.
Billy Martin – 1989: He was best known for his role as the manager of the New York Yankees. He started his baseball career as a second baseman and then became the manager known for arguing with the umpires and doing a special kicking move throwing dirt at them. Martin died in a car accident in New York on Christmas day.
James Brown – 2006: The godfather of soul and funk died from pneumonia on Christmas day in Atlanta Georgia. He was 73 years old when he passed.
Richard Paul – 1998: Another actor who died during the yuletide season in 1998 was actor Richard Paul. He was Mr. Strowbridge on the show Full House as well as the mayor on Murder, She Wrote. He died of cancer.
WC Fields – 1946: He was an actor and a film writer, known for his comedic timing. Supposedly after he was checked in to a hospital, feeling ill, a friend caught him reading the Bible and quotes Fields as having said he was “checking for loopholes.” He died in a sanatorium in Pasadena, California after having been hospitalized for around fourteen months. He perished from a stomach hemorrhage. He was 66 years old.
Denver Pyle – 1997: This actor who died of lung cancer was first known as Mad Jack on the show The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams, and then went on to become famous as Uncle Jesse in the show The Dukes of Hazzard.
Charlie Chaplin -1977: Famous as the Little Tramp, Chaplin is an acting icon immediately recognizable by most every generation. Hailed for his comedic performances, he was also an Oscar winner before his Christmas death. He died in Vevey, Switzerland at the age of 88.
And a few others:
Reggie White – famous football player for the Green Bay Packers.
Gerald Ford – Was once the President of the United States of America.
Nigel Hawthorne – An actor who was in the film Amistad as well as did some voice over for the Disney cartoon: Tarzan.
Jason Robards – The actor who played a congressman in Enemy of the State with Will Smith, as well as the dying Earl Partridge in Magnolia starring Tom Cruise.
Curtis Mayfield – A singer/songwriter known fro bringing the soul and funk to R & B music.
Dian Fosse – Gorillas In The Mist was about her and she was later murdered in Rwanda.
Jack Benny – A comedian, actor, and all around performer, who died in 1974.
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It must be quite a life when you’re a celebrity. You’re born on Christmas Day which is celebrated by everyone every year and then you become rich and famous because of your many talents and are celebrated yet again. Unfortunately some of them die on Christmas and are then remembered forever on stupid blogs like this. As they say “Any publicity is good publicity.”
HO! HO! HO!
If you’ve read this blog regularly you know I never miss an opportunity to ridicule and tweak the noses of celebrities and the people who worship the ground they walk on. In my travels on the Internet and while perusing through my collection of books I’ve compiled a few tidbits of information on some of our more famous celebrities to help expel some of the mysteries they spend years wrapping themselves in. They’re just folks like everyone else no matter how hard they try not to be.
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Actor James Earl Jones, the voice of Darth Vader in Star Wars, stuttered so badly as a child and he had to communicate by writing notes.
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Japanese American actor Pat Morita, star of the Karate Kid and Happy Days, suffered from spinal tuberculosis as a child and spent nine years confined to bed.
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Actor Walter Brennan (1894 – 1974) started his career in Hollywood by doing a voiceover for a donkey.
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Television star Vanna White of the show Wheel of Fortune claps an average of 720 times per show. And she has walked more than 443 miles on the show since 1982.
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During most of the time that actor Raymond Burr played Perry Mason, he never owned a television set.
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Spencer Tracy’s 1937 Oscar for Best Actor was mistakenly engraved with the name “Dick Tracy”.
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Hollywood actress Ava Gardner left a trust fund of several million dollars, her mansion, and a personal maid to her dog, Morgan.
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Tarzan star Johnny Weissmuller had a contract that stipulated he had to weigh 190 pounds or less, and for every pound over 190 he was docked $5000 – up to $50,000 a day.
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At the age of 82, actor Kirk Douglas made his 82nd film.
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Horror film star Bela Lugosi was buried in his favorite Dracula cape.
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American actress Joan Crawford had a contract with MGM Studios that stipulated the time she had to be in bed each night.
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Actor James Dean was still receiving fan mail two years after his death.
I could list another hundred snippets on more recent celebrities with even weirder things but with the social networks these days you already know most of that gossip. I’ll save a few of those for another day. I can only hope that all of you celebrity worshipers out there are able to maintain some sort of normal perspective when dealing with them. I’m just kidding myself but I can still hope.
I’m adding this photo for my own sake. While I’m not a celebrity chaser I might be convinced to chase this one.
OMG!!!
I’ll begin celebrating today after posting this blog entry. When I retired the Anti-Stupidity Blog one year ago I challenged myself to start a new blog and to write for one year, 365 posts, without missing a day and not using graphics, catchy and cutesy headlines or photographs. It sounded easy at the time but it was anything but.
I needed a lot of willpower but after the first six months my reserve of motivation was almost exhausted. I worked through it and today that challenge and goal have been met.
I’ll start fresh on October 27th (tomorrow) with an better outlook and a return to what some consider normalcy in blogging. I’ll use the occasional photograph or two in the future but not gratuitously. The majority of these photo’s will be those I’ve taken myself. I’ll be adding a word or two in addition to the date to indicate the general content of each post. Since I’ve become somewhat addicted to this style of posting it will continue this way for the foreseeable future.
I’m looking forward to the next year and I hope you are as well. Tomorrow will be the start of something a little different but the endless quantities of totally useless information will continue. The trivia quizzes will return and number of new twists can be expected there. I’ll continue to comment on celebrities and their unusual activities, other inappropriate humor, and as many dirty and filthy limericks as I can find or create. I’ll do the occasional book review and anything else that catches my fancy.
The world is my oyster and I’ll keep searching for those proverbial pearls of wisdom to pass on to you. Onward and Upward!
I have to admit to being just like every other man when when it comes to sex. We approach sex quite differently than our female counterparts and for that I’m grateful. It’s that difference that makes the sparks fly and the interesting things begin to happen. Unfortunately it’s also that difference that causes most of the problems in relationships and most of the divorces as well.
We enjoy talking about sex almost as much as we enjoy doing it. Man to man, women to woman, but almost no-one ever crosses that gender barrier. For the men they can exaggerate, lie, and say whatever they want to their buddies who have no way of verifying any of it. Between women it appears to be somewhat different with more feelings, emotions, and over-thinking that most men aren’t prepared to deal with. I personally think that women BS each other just as much as the men but tend to believe each other more. Men know they’re being lied too and expect that. It’s a basic part of male bonding. Women seem to trust each other completely when it comes to comparing men. Why? I have no clue. If you want that answer ask a women.
I love hearing people talk about sex and that includes celebrities and other members of the elite class who think they’re so much smarted than the rest of us. I specifically searched for quotations on sex that were humorous and ridiculous. If I suddenly have someone telling me the truth about sex I wouldn’t know the difference anyway. Here they are, have a laugh or two.
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"My girlfriend always laughs during sex –no matter what she’s reading."
Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)
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"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
Tom Clancy
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"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
Steve Martin
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"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand."
Woody Allen
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"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
Rodney Dangerfield
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"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
George Burns
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"There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked."
Jerry Seinfeld
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"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams
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"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal
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"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro
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"An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex."
Aldous Huxley
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"When a man goes on a date, he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows."
Frederike Ryder
Now you know everything you need to know about sex straight from the mouths of these Hollywood experts. I’m glad they weren’t around during my formative years or I would have been more confused about sex than I actually was. As you can also see there are no quotations from women listed here. Sorry ladies but I couldn’t find any that added much to the conversation. If you find any please forward them along, I’m really and truthfully interested.
I’ve always loved slamming celebrities and today will be no different. I do it fairly by just simply using their own words against them. Many of these so called celebrities insist on disturbing my calm by being in my face at every turn on both TV and radio. They’re determined to explain to me how much smarter they think they are about politics, the environment, and any other effing cause they are promoting. It became tiresome more years ago than I care to mention. Since I can’t tell them in person what I think about them without being accused of being a stalker or paparazzi, I’ll use this blog to at least vent enough to make me fell better.
You can take the Bill Maher’s and the Susan Sarandon’s of the world and all of their wack-job friends and ship them wherever you’d like. Just get them out of my face. Here are a few quotes that I’m sure these geniuses wished they’d never made. Here we go . . . .
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Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
– Miss Alabama, 1994 Miss USA Pageant
- "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researches also discovered other similarities between the two, but can’t remember what they are."
– Mat Lauer, Today Show, NBC
- "I haven’t committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
– David Dinkins, New York City Mayor answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
- "Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life."
– Brooke Shields
- "We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
– Jason Kidd, Dallas Mavericks
- "I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
– Hillary Clinton
- "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
– Marion Barry, Washing, D.C. Mayor
- "It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
– Dan Quayle, U.S. Vice President
I will admit that celebrities make writing this blog easy at times. They are the proverbial “gifts that keep on giving” and I for one appreciate it.
And as a final thought, thanks to Fred Thompson and his celebrity buddies trying to convince all the seniors in this country that reverse mortgages are the best thing since sliced bread. What a giant load of crap.
I realize that a large portion of our society hangs on every word and deed of our ever growing ranks of celebrities. From the beards on Duck Dynasty to the endless supply of idiot groups of wives from what seems like every city in the country. Unless people hear the information directly from a celebrity on Twitter it has no validity. They’re experts on every subject from the environment to politics and need to be constantly in the lime light so none of us can ever forget how smart they think they are.
Bear in mind when you read the following quotes from our wannabe Mensa members of the celebrity corp. They spew such utter nonsense as you’ll soon read, take a sip of water, and then begin to explain the State of the Union, as they see it. This is what happens when semi-smart talented singers with too much time and money on their hands get bored.
The folks I’m listing here are just the tip of the ice berg. They’re all singers who’s second most important priority is to be seen and heard as often as possible in the Media. I actually like some of their music but OMG shut up about everything else.
- Christina Aguilera
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On clothes: “I wouldn’t feel right wearing clothes covering my body.”
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“So, where’s the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?”
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“I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada.”
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After a wardrobe malfunction: “OMG my pussy is hanging out.”
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“I’ve never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don’t like eating fish. And I know that’s very popular out there in Africa.”
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“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”
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Before entering rehab: “I just want one day off when I can go swimming and eat ice cream and look at rainbows.”
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“I’m not anorexic. I’m from Texas. Are there people from Texas that are anorexic? I’ve never heard of one. And that includes me.”
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On tuna: “Is this chicken or is this fish?”
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Whitney Houston, on crack: “Crack is cheap. I make too much money to ever smoke crack. Let’s get that straight. OK? We don’t do crack. We don’t do that. Crack is whack.”
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Kellie Pickler, on ‘Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader’: “I thought Europe was a country?”
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Ricky Martin: “I love giving the golden shower. I’ve done it before in the shower. It’s, like, so sexy”.
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Lil’ Wayne, on studying: “I learned this from a college graduate. She’d smoke a joint the night before a test, while she was studying, and then again in the morning and everything she had read would come right back. I tried this shit five times and I swear to God, I’ve never made less than a 92.”
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Ozzy Osbourne, on subtitles: “I think MTV should consider using subtitles. Half the time, even I can’t understand what the fuck I’m talking about.”
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Melissa Etheridge, after winning an Oscar: “This is the only naked man that will ever be in my bedroom.”
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Kanye West, on his legacy: “I realize that my place and position in history is that I will go down as the voice of this generation, of this decade. I will be the loudest voice.”
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Axl Rose: "It’s really hard to maintain a one-on-one relationship if the other person is not going to allow me to be with other people.”
Keep all of this in mind as these celebrities and hundreds of others stare back at you from your TV set and tell you how to eat, drink, live, love, exercise, who to vote for, and what rehab facility is the best. Take their rehab advice but go on about your life making your own decisions.
I know all of you are just sitting there and waiting for the answers to yesterday’s celebrity quiz. Here’s the complete list of celebrities with their aliases. How did you really do?
Boris Karloff…..William Henry Pratt
Mary Pickford…..Gladys Smith
Audrey Hepburn…..Edda Van Heemsta
Samuel Goldwyn…..Sam Goldfish
W.C. fields…..William Claude Dunkenfield
Martin Sheen…..Ramon Esteves
Michael Keaton…..Michael Douglas
Roy Rogers…..Leonard Slye
Dale Evans…..Francis Octavia Smith
Mel Brooks…..Melvin Kominsky
Jane Wyman…..Sarah Jane Folks
Whooping Goldberg…..Caryn Johnson
Joan Crawford…..Lucille Le Sueur
Woody Allen…..Allen Stewart Kinigsberg
Charlie Sheen…..Carlos Esteves
On to the next subject. As promised, another list of totally useless information I’ve collected from all sorts of sources both on the net and elsewhere.
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Twenty-eight percent of Africa is wilderness while thirty eight percent of North America is wilderness.
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A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
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A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
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The average person spends three years of his or her life on a toilet.
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Take your height and divide by eight. That’s how tall your head is.
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One in three male motorists picks their nose while driving.
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More than ten people a year are killed by vending machines.
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More Monopoly money is printed in a year, than real money printed throughout the world.
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Famous billionaire Howard Hughes stored his own urine in large bottles.
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Approximately $25 million is spent each year on lap dances in Las Vegas.
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23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their butts.
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Each year, there are more than 40,000 toilet related injuries in the United States.
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Coca-cola was originally green.
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The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra’s "It’s a Wonderful Life".
Are you feeling smarter now? Slowly but surely I’m filling your heads with mind numbing information which you’ll probably never use in any conversation and will most likely forget by Monday. It’s my insidious plot to takeover the world, one mind at a time.
It’s time to get back to the kind of postings everyone seems to enjoy. So today will be all about celebrities. It must be nice to have the ability to change your name at any time. There have been times in my life when I wished I could change my name and start fresh some where else. A really cool name that sounded just right and might make help people to remember me. I always thought my first name was dull because it seemed to be overused. JOHN! How boring can you get? For a time I was called Charlie based on my middle name but it didn’t stick. I also never was able to pull off a really cool nickname and to this day I still don”t understand why.
Oh well, lets move along to today’s posting. I’m going to supply you with two lists, each with fifteen names. The first will contain the names of fifteen famous celebs you should be familiar with and a second list of fifteen with their original birth names. Some will be easy to figure out but most will be much more difficult. No fair sneaking off to use search engines because that’s just cheating. I’ll post both lists tomorrow with the correct answers.
The Celebrity Aliases
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Boris Karloff
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Mary Pickford
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Audrey Hepburn
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Samuel Goldwyn
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W.C. Fields
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Martin Sheen
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Michael Keaton
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Roy Rogers
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Dale Evans
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Mel Brooks
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Jane Wyman
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Whooping Goldberg
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Joan Crawford
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Woody Allen
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Charlie Sheen
Now for their real birth names. It makes it much easier to understand why their names were changed. I can’t imagine seeing some of these names in the credits at the end of a film. Maybe their agents, friends, and studio heads were correct. Here are their actual names in no particular order. Match them up if you can.
The Actual Monikers
I told you they’d be tough. I honestly struggled to get just four correct. More useless information is scheduled for tomorrow along with todays answers. Have fun.
Most people consider themselves to have a great sense of humor and so do I. I’m sarcastic to a fault with an extremely dry sense of humor. Some people like it, some people don’t, as in all things.
One of the first things I look for when I meet someone new is their sense of humor. Do they like to laugh? Are they quick witted and enjoy being kidded? That’s the difference between being my friend or just being an acquaintance. I’ve been told that making a decision on someone based solely on humor just isn’t fair. That’s probably true but that’s the way I do it. I’ve met really intelligent people who have no sense of humor at all. Is that how you would like to spend your time, with them? Not me.
Everyone thinks they have a sense of humor. That really smart guy who I just met and accused of having no sense of humor thinks he’s the funniest guy on the planet. That’s one of the reasons attending a comedy club amateur night can be so much fun. That smart guy will stand up, say a few so-called funny stories, and bomb terribly. While some drunken schmuck will get up and have the entire place in stitches almost immediately. As with beauty, humor is in the eye of the beholder.
Here’s a collection of so-called humorous quotations by so-called celebrities. You be the judge on who’s funny and who’s not.
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“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?”
― Chris Rock
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“I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.”
― Woody Allen
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“When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, There’s just something about you that pisses me off.”
― Stephen King
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“It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!”
― Friedrich Nietzsche
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“Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it’s a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope.”
― Dr. Seuss
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“My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.”
― Winston Churchill
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“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
― George Burns
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“Mom says it’s because she has PMS.
Do you even know what that means?
"I’m not a little kid anymore. It means pissed-at- men syndrome”
― Nicholas Sparks
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“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”
― Steven Wright
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“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
― Steve Martin
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“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”
― Robert A. Heinlein
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“I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
― Woody Allen
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“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
― Groucho Marx
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“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ”
― W.C. Fields
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“Ever notice how ‘What the hell’ is always the right answer?”
― Marilyn Monroe
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“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”
― Albert Einstein
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“There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.”
― Oscar Levant
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“Life’s hard. It’s even harder when you’re stupid.”
― John Wayne
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“When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.”
― Albert Einstein
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“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.”
― Groucho Marx
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“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”
― Billy Sunday
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“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”
― Mark Twain
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“I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.”
― Jane Austen
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“I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.”
― Mae West
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“Happiness is a warm puppy.”
― Charles M. Schulz
Are all of these quotations funny, not really, but the person making them thinks they are. It just goes to show that a well developed sense of humor can change people’s perception of you one way or another. Good, bad, indifferent, what does it matter, at least they’ve noticed you and you’ve made an impression. That’s the first step to a possible life long friendship.
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